An idea for streamlining mornings with bigger kids

A few weeks ago, my friend Susan tried a new thing to help get out of the house more easily in the morning. Her daughter is 8, and suffered the same thing I think all kids between the ages of 2 and, oh, 45 do--inability to focus on getting out of the house on time in the morning.

Susan realized that all the yelling, nagging, cajoling, and counting to 10 she was doing wasn't making a dent in the problem, so she looked at it from a different angle and decided to give her daughter some of the responsibility and control of the process.

She asked her daughter to figure out when they needed to leave so that they didn't have to rush, and then work backward to figure out by what time she needed to do each step of the getting-ready process. Her daughter was intrigued by the project, and made a great schedule for herself.

I think this is just absolute brilliance on Susan's part, and decided to try it myself. Of course then I got derailed by other stuff* so I haven't done it. But it's going to be the assignment I give my older one (and offer to my younger one, although he might not be quite ready for it) when I get back from another work trip next week.

I'm wondering if any of you out there would be willing to try this experiment also, and see how it goes in the first week, second week, after a month, and six months out.

If it works, then Susan may have discovered The Secret To Mornings and we can start designing the monument to be erected to her.

Anybody in?

* like being late in the morning. Which reminds me of the problem of not being able to make decent coffee before you've had your coffee in the morning....

Comments

[paola]

My son has just turned 5 and is still tackling tomorrow, yesterday and this afternoon. Forget hours, minutes and the like. Might try it next year if Susan has success with it.

[textureamy]

Moxie, get a coffee maker with a timer and set it up the night before. Ours has improved our life so much, it should be embarrassing.

[Victoria]

I have a friend who did pretty much the same thing, when her kids were quite small. They "decided" together (she was leader) what time they needed to do things. Then, she used an analog clock, and photocopied it set to whatever time they had decided and posted the copies on the wall next to the real, working clock, with captions underneath like "brush teeth" or "coats and boots on". This made the task easy for even young ones. And she was NEVER late for anything because of her kids dawdling! I tried it, and it definitely helped. You could customize this to include pictures etc, etc etc...

[caramama]

So I used to be late to everything. And my husband (when we were dating) used to be early to everything. When we moved in together, I told him that I wanted to be better about getting places on time and asked him to help me figure out how.

He had me do the exact same exercise! With one difference: Don't just assume how long something takes. Figure out how much time it REALLY takes and then add a few minutes to realistically account for the time it takes to go from one activity to another.

As in, yes I can shower in 10 minutes. But I don't. I take 15 to 20 minutes. Plus the time to get in and out of the shower. So I need to calculate for 30 minutes of shower time in the mornings (which is why I shower at night).

Oh, and one other thing to account for that most people neglect is the actual time it takes from when you are ready to go to when you actually get your bags, go outside and get into the car.

It has really, truly worked for me, and when my kids are older, I will definitely use it for them.

Right now, my daughter is almost 3, and we recently made a chart for her morning routine and bedtime routine. I believe it was SarcastiCarrie who suggested this once (thanks so much!). We cut pics out of magazines and glued them to poster paper under the headings for each activity. It has helped to get my daughter back on track when she is distracted, and it helps cut down the arguing because it's on the chart so she has to do it.

[ML]

I'll be watching Susan's progress with much interest!

@Victoria: Brilliant idea! I'm going to have to steal this, as my kids are too young to even recognize numbers. I'll be incorporating these ideas soon, as DH wants to pull his own hair out over DS's dawdling pre-daycare.

[Cathy]

Similarly, I've found that looking for my glasses when I'm not wearing them is difficult. :)

For the 16 year old, we did something similar, where we thought about it together, how much time he should really need in the morning (enough time to shower, brush, and dress, not much more), subtracting that time from when he needs to leave for the bus. I have my alarm set for then and give him one wake up, turn on his light and leave/go back to bed. If he wants/needs extra time, he can get himself up. If he wants to go stinky, he can sleep in a little more.

With the 7 year old, we had to work out a deal where if she wants me to pack her a lunch in the morning, she needs to get her own self dressed (we just didn't have time for me to do both). Presenting it as a choice really helped a lot.

[Jill in Atlanta]

Well, I didn't involve the kids, but I did the same method of counting backwards. The hardest part is getting them quickly dressed (ages 5 & 8). There are several incentives: if dressed by 7 all five days they earn a book (from a stash of hand-me-down books I've got) and that I don't serve food to anyone who isn't dressed and wearing shoes. There is no discussion over the menu- it is what it is- bagel/cereal/bagel/cereal/bagel. Teeth get brushed at 7:20 even if food isn't gone and they're out of the house at 7:25. Fast paced and yes, I have to fuss at them, but I'm strict with the rules and it works. We've only driven someone to school late once and that was after a huge meltdown when starting kindergarten.

[SarcastiCarrie]

@caramama - Glad to help.

What I did was take a bunch of clip art pictures of different things (a back back, a car seat, a coat, an elephant, an ice cream cone, etc) and had Chuckles cut out and glue on paper the things that needed to be done prior to leaving the house in the morning. So the elephant was left behind, sadly, with the ice cream, and the back pack, shoes, etc were glued to construction paper. He really likes to use scissors and glue things, so I thought this deciding what the things were that had to be done and gluing them might work better for him. If you have a kid that likes tape (some kids LOVE to tape things), I would let them tape it to the poster. Things improved greatly for quite a while after this (the nighttime chart still works wonders but the morning one not as much), but now Bobo the Baby is sleeping in later and things just went to pot. Must ressurect this.

Don't forget that there is a whole theory called "load time" about what time you leave the front door to get in the car versus what time the car actually pulls out of the driveway (load bags, buckle car seats, etc).

[L]

Oh I agree with the coffee pot with a timer. And if you can swing it get a coffee pot with a timer and a thermal carafe. That way when you forget and set the timer on Friday night you're coffee is still drinkable when you do get up even if it's a hour (or two) after you normally get up on a weekday.

[Cloud]

My first thought on reading this post is that I can't even get my husband, a grown man (and an engineer, so WTF???) to do this successfully. He is terrible at figuring out how long things actually take. He works from how long he thinks they should take, and is always running late because of this.

I come from a family that thinks you're late if you're not 5 minutes early, so scheduling naturally falls to me.

I'll have to keep this idea (and the chart one) in mind for when I start trying to teach my daughter how to be on time.

Actually, now that I think about it, it is not surprising that my engineer husband is bad at this. I used to be a project manager, and one of my jobs was taking the time estimates the engineers gave me and turning them into something safe to put in a project plan. I was always proud of how I tended to finish projects on time. I wonder if I can apply any of my work tricks to my husband? Or my kids when they get older? Hmmmmm.

[CaliBoo]

Love the suggestions, but solely for my own out-the-door struggles, b/c I really can't blame it on a 21 mo (who is learning to put her own shoes on - that will save me 10 mins right there!) I did a similar backwards-scheduling exercise when I went back to work, as I had to figure in the bfing sessions etc on top of the usual stuff. What I learned from that exercise was exactly how and what had to be done the night before. It's a good reality check to put on paper, and I even went as far as to list to the right of each task exactly who it would impact if that thing wasn't done or not done on time, and it really put it all in perspective.
And I 3rd the rec for a coffee maker w/ timer, it makes it soooo much easier to get out of bed if I can smell nice hot fresh coffee waiting for me. Mmmmm.

[blue]

Oh, the coffee set up the night before is KEY! Even if it doesn't have a timer like my $20 Mr. Coffee. It's still clean, full and ready to brew when I crawl to it in the morning.

The other amazing discovery, which was a New Year's resolution, is making kid's lunches before going to bed at night. Why did it take me 35 years to figure this out!?

[Charisse]

Helllooooo! I was just kvetching about the morning grumps over at caramama's. I have an almost-6 who is interested in subtraction and totally ripe for this. We need to catch the city bus that arrives across the street from our place at approximately 9:05 every morning. Mouse does not enjoy getting up before 8...and really, it ought to be more than possible. We've never yet missed the bus, but we've had to run and we seldom have a day without, as Susan described, "yelling, nagging, cajoling, and counting to 10" which I hate.

So I'm in.

[TheLuckyGal]

My DD is 7.5 and she has a small whiteboard in her room with her morning routing chores down the left side (make bed, brush teeth, hair, shoes, pack bag, etc.) and M, T, W, Th, F across the top. She checks off each item and at the end of the week all boxes are checked and she can veg out in front of Saturday a.m. TV. I just tell her "10 more minutes, finish your list" rather than having to remind her about each specific item. So far so good.

[TheLuckyGal]

Oh, BTW, if your coffee maker doesn't have a built-in timer, you can get a timer that plugs into the wall that it plug in to and it is just the same. I MUST HAVE my coffee ready when I stumble outa bed! Plus lunchbox ready to go, etc.

[Susan]

Another Susan here: at the start of the school year I asked my daughter (7, in 1st grade) to make a list of everything that needs to happen in the mornings before school--we made an upstairs list that stays in her room (things that happen upstairs: getting dressed, making bed, e.g.)) and then a downstairs list (eating, fixing hair, selecting outerwear, clearing dishes, e.g.) that hangs on the fridge. I don't care what order she does them in, and I handle the time (we've figured out that if we're downstairs by 7 am we have plenty of time to deal with the downstairs list; if we come down at 7:15 or 7:20 we need to be much more swiftly focused).

What I loved is that my girl insisted that she wanted to be able to play a game in the mornings--so I said sure, we just need to leave time to do that. So we do--and sometimes we can just play for a minute or two--but she's happy to start her morning with a little playing. And while I can't say that this has totally eliminated morning nagging, or that we've been ontime for school every day, it has really helped.

And it's also helped me see that there are things on the list that can be skipped in a pinch, but that if we all oversleep, there's just not much to be done about it, and I should just take a deep breath and be late, but not stressed.

[Jana]

Our mornings are always hectic, because Guess Who can't get her shit together in time to be out the door by 7:10? Just GUESS! (Hint: It's me.)

Alex waits patiently, watching "a little Mickey," while I run around like a headless hen, rounding up phone and purse and coat and lunch and oh-my-God I forgot to take the velcro rollers out of my hair because I got sidetracked by my damned feedreader.

Yeah, so maybe I should try Susan's idea on myself.

[the milliner]

@cloud - yes! project management. I do this every week in my job as a...project manager (duh). Start with my end date and work backwards factoring transfer time and a bit of a cushion, all while being realistic, not ideal in the time of each task needed to complete the goal. Keeps expectations in line. It never even occurred to me to do this at home.

My only conundrum now is how much time do I factor in for temper tantrums?!

I'm totally going to work it backwards for us and see what I come up with. We've already figured out that mornings I have my shower after 6:30am basically make us late.

Love all the ideas for the (kid involved) charts. Saving that for later.

[maria]

@Susan, yeah! Building in time for play, what a great idea. My 6 yo daughter has been soooooo s-l-o-o-o-o-w lately. I've been at my wits' end, and yelling has definitely ensued. I will have to try a chart, and get her help with it, I'm sure that will be a motivator for at least a little while.

One thing that helps us is picking out her clothes for the week ahead of time. It seems silly that it would make such a difference, but having a neat little pile for each day, appropriate for the day's activity and including socks and underwear saves groggy early morning decision making and flailing through the clean laundry basket looking for the final sock, and those precious minutes can be the difference between stressed and relaxed.

[paola]

@cloud, the milliner

My hubby is a Project Manager too and an engineer to boot and his mother was a Seargent Major ( metaphorically speaking that is) so the guy is super dooper ORGANIZED. The guy has everything timed to the minute, like when we go on holidays he tells me we have to be out the gate by 5.25 and you know we always are.

YOu'd think it would rub off. I've lived with the guy for 7 years and still need him to do my dress and makeup countdown for me every time we go out. Still haven't worked it out for myself, it seems.

[wealhtheow]

My husband gets up and makes me coffee. Not only does he MAKE it, he prepares it and brings it to me. I've never asked him to do this, he just does it. Let the hating commence! But on mornings when he is running late, the one-shot coffeemaker saves my life. At around 50 cents for each shot, it is definitely not cheap, but you can also get a reusable filter and use your own coffee, which we do on a regular basis for a friend who comes over and likes coffee at night before he drives home. (and if I know the DH is going to be running crazy the next morning, I'll set that up for myself).

But the real issue! I've been struggling with my 2yo every morning to get out of the house. I called my mother one day and asked her how old he'll be before we can make it out of the house without fighting, and she said "You and your father were fighting about that at your wedding." So even though he's on the young side for this, I'm going to start up a chart system for him too. I know most of it is MY fault for not allowing enough time to get ready in the morning, but I've noticed on the mornings when I do allow enough time we fall naturally into the "If you want to go see your friends, what do we need to do," and he's so much more agreeable.

[kelli]

Before the start of Kinder this year we made up a list of things that need to get done. We then estimated the amount of time that everything takes and made a timeline.

My oldest (5, now 6) received an alarm clock and and a watch to celebrate Kindergarten -- so he gets to use them every day. A few weeks into school I purchased a Time Timer (available on Amazon) -- the medium size (8") with an audible alarm.

Son's alarm goes off at 7AM.
I stumble to the kitchen and set the Time Timer to go off at 7:35.
Between 7 and 7:35, DS can choose to spend as much time as he likes doing the following: getting up, getting dressed, coming to the table, selecting breakfast (cereal), eating breakfast.
At 7:35 it's time to brush teeth and put on shoes (10 minutes estimated).
7:45-7:50 Get on bike or walk to school with Dad for 8:10 bell.

The Time Timer works really well! It's something that he's familiar with from the Kindergarten classroom. Within about 10 minutes of getting it, my youngest (1 at the time) did peel it apart, so it's a bit lumpy -- it's constructed of layers of thin plastic, so it's not indestructible. I would suggest as large a face as you can stand so it can go on a shelf or somewhere that the kids can mess with it.

Anyhow, the Time Timer worked pretty well for us -- DS is more aware of how long things take. I use it to get the other (younger) kids out of the house, too.

[paola]

The guy, the guy. Think I need a thesaurus.

[Flo]

I am Sergeant Major. Five minutes late to anything, no - If I'm not five minutes early then my heart starts to beat fast and I sweat. Pathological.

Anyway, on mornings when I have to be at work by 8am we're all out of the house at 7am.

Most things are done the night before for all three of us - clothes, bags packed with wallets, security pass, mobiles, keys, money, son's backpack, hats, sunnies - everything.

Clothes are laid out for all three of us - adult clothes in the bathroom to be stepped into straight from the shower.

I get up earliest (6am), shower and dress from head to toe (25 minutes). I wake up my partner and son at the same time.

Partner showers while I dress child (while he's still in bed and too groggy to resist!) and give him breakfast.

As soon as he's done with breakfast we all walk out the door (adults have breakfast at work).

I know it's very bossy and precise and there is no room for anything at all, but we've tried having a bit of a play before and then my son just doesn't want to leave the house at all.

I like the idea of handing over more responsibility to my son as he gets a bit older (only 3 now) and on days when it doesn't have to happen so early. But I'm not ready to let go yet!

[Geek in Rome]

These ideas are really great. I keep worrying how the late-issue is going to get more out of control the older they get and I'm not responsible for getting them dressed. But the clock and poster ideas are cool so I'll start with them soon. I like the idea of getting them dressed right away, but then when they eat there are lots of messes -- sleeves especially so a bib wouldn't fix it.

For now my solution has been wake them up an hour earlier and my hubby is helping with chores and with them which wasn't the case in the mornings. My problem is I get caught up in wanting to do a load of laundry or take a shower and that screws it all up. Basically it's more my fault than theirs.

[Jamie]

This could not be more timely. I just implemented a system with my slower-than-molasses six year old son b/c I was about to completely lose my marbles. Basically, we made a large posterboard of pictures of my son doing his various tasks in the morning (picture of him getting out of bed, making his bed, putting his clothes on, clothes in the hamper, etc.) and we put them in the order in which he likes to take care of things. Then, we decided how long each task should take. Then, I bought him the BEST timer on Amazon which is basically an electronic sand timer which acts as both a digital numeric countdown and also shows the time disappearing through digital sand. He is responsible for setting the timer at the end of each task for the time he allotted for each task. He then brings the timer downstairs for ten minutes for breakfast and then ten minutes for putting on his outerwear/backpack. So far, it has made the morning so much better. It's not perfect, and occasionally I still have to remind him to "reset the timer," but it truly is so much better. I basically no longer have to be on top of him micromanaging him which I absolutely hated. Especially b/c I have two other little kids. The timer is the following:
http://www.amazon.com/Orka-Electronic-Sand-Timer-Orange/dp/B000RYPKW2/ref=pd_bxgy_k_img_b
Good luck everyone!

[Chanti]

Sleep! If my kids get the appropriate 12 hours, the mornings are much, much better.

[eccentriclibertarian]

Being late - chronically, always, appointment-missing, beginning of movie-missing, maybe-they-won't-hold-the-reservation late ALL MY LIFE, this is an area I know I need to work on, and have tried to improve, from time to time. I think I just need to make charts for my wall of times to start getting ready based on what the destination is (I live in an area of extremely variable traffic). I am super-organized and pragmatic in every other sphere of my life - I guess issue this is where I let my right brain rule, or something.

Because, if once, during the Super Bowl 7 years ago, I was able to drive from my house to the city in 10 minutes since there were no other cars on the road, in the back of my mind, I decide I only need 10 minutes to get there, regardless of traffic, time of day, etc. Which is stupid.

I have been late to every pediatrician appointment so far in my sons' 14 months of life. Thanks for this post to re-focus my determination to conquer this problem.

As for the request for test subjects, I am going to pass this idea along to a friend who has 8 year old twins and can never seem to get the morning timing right.

[Beth]

I love the counting backward idea! MY son just turned nine and is great at that, so I'll introduce the idea to him re: getting ready in the morning. That way he'll have even more control over his own getting ready process. :-)

Currently what we're doing is cutting out video games in the morning (although if he wakes up before I do, he'll still play them), and getting out the door by 7:45, thereby earning a star on the calendar. Thirty stars and he gets a reward -- probably a video game, as this is our first time with this system and he's well on the way to forming some good habits.

[Andrea]

Gosh, this is just brilliant.

But still, I'd like to know what the answer is if you're child is to young to plan a schedule... mine is, at the moment, nearly 3. See "How to speed up a toddler?" here (and help a sister out!):

http://parentsguild.com/post/question/346/is-there-any-way-to-speed-up-a-toddler

[Coach Outlet]

part with your illusions, When they are gone you may still exist

[Moncler Billiga]

I just sent this post to a bunch of my friends as I agree with most of what you’re saying here and the way you’ve presented it is awesome.