"I had a life I liked before"

I am OK, but am worried about my best friend (she's in danger), and if anyone who prays could pray for K, that would be lovely.

I just pulled this out of the comments from last week:

"I feel unmoored and defeated. I had a life I liked before I got pregnant. I knew it would mean giving up at least my career to have a baby. And it has. I don't mean to be melodramatic: I knew there was a cost, and I went in with my eyes open. I just didn't know that the cost was going to feel like it was... everything."

Have you ever been in the ocean, and a big wave comes and you close your eyes and take a breath and let the wave wash over you and it's scary but you know if you just stay still and keep kicking your legs you'll eventually break the surface once the wave passes?

Contrast that to seeing the wave coming and struggling to stay above it, kicking and clawing furiously and struggling struggling and feeling like it's sucking you under.

I think the first few weeks/months/years/decades of parenting are like being in the ocean and having wave after wave come. If you know it's coming, and it's going to be scary and not AT ALL like standing on dry land was, you can accept that and let yourself go under while it passes. And then your head is above water again. It's not like standing on dry land was. Ever. But floating and swimming and turning into a mermaid can be just as much if not more fun once you're used to it.

If you fight and berate yourself for not seeing the wave coming or for going out into the ocean in the first place or for not loving the wave or not floating on top of it, though, it can really suck you under.

I don't know if that analogy is useful or just strikes you as stupid, but it's how I've always seen the enormous cosmic hazing of the first few months of mothering. Like everything you thought you knew is taken away from you, and you have to build yourself back into place, piece by piece.

Did anyone else experience this? Did anything help you feel more connected to your baby and to your new role and your new life?

Comments

[Cloud]

@hush- you know that those people with kids and organized living spaces just cleaned up before the TV crews came, right? I mean, my living space has the potential to be organized, but on a day to day basis- its chaos.

[MrsHaley]

@hush - I *might* be one of those people who didn't experience too much volatility at the inception of parenthood ... but I think that had a LOT to do with my pre-baby life. I do not identify with the post title "I Had A Life I Liked Before." I was NOT satisfied doing the career thing and definitely felt a void that I wanted to fill with children. Once my first arrived, it became crystal clear to me that I was born to be a mother -- I am satisfied and fulfilled by parenthood like I never was by my previous life. In addition, my DH blossomed into a magnificent father, so that improved our relationship too. I feel 100% like I'm fulfilling my calling by being a SAHM, so I've never longed for that previous identity.

That's not to say I don't miss sleeping in and eating in restaurants, etc. But I VASTLY prefer motherhood to that lifestyle, even though I think living alone and doing the single-girl-career thing for many years was essential to my complete self-actualization.

And that's also not to say I don't find motherhood difficult. But like I said -- on its most difficult day, it's preferable to my life "before." I was happy to leave that life in the dust. I am so much more fully "myself" now. MaggieDammit said it perfectly, "I gave birth to my children, but THEY delivered ME."

[kyma]

When my husband and I went to Hawaii (pre-baby), I experienced this very thing! On the beach, my husband met the wave head-on and swam through them to emerge calmly on the other side. I, on the other hand, fought every wave that came my way. I got knocked down time and time again, losing 2 pairs of sunglasses in the process. My husband kept telling me to relax, to just go with how the wave was carrying me, but I just didn't really get it. I fought, but the waves won every time!

Fast forward a year and this is exactly how we reacted with our baby. My husband totally rolled with the punches and just met challenges head on. I, on the other hand, dug in my heels and fought, fought, fought to maintain my own life. I demanded to feel like I was still on dry land. I fought, but the baby won every time! It was a very very hard year for me.

Now baby is 3 (I guess not a baby anymore? Sad.) and things a much much better. I can say now that I am actually enjoy my new life and I'm learning to become a mermaid. To all those who have new babies - hang in there, it does get so much better!

Question for everyone - how much of this struggle do you discuss with people who are thinking of having kids or are pregnant? I was very very honest with a few close friends in the past and I just got horrified looks and disbelief. I mean, isn't having kids supposed to be pure bliss??? And then I just felt like a total party pooper.

[Maggie]

I cried as I read these comments today. Just another crying session to top my day off, but it felt cleansing and comforting to know that there are so many of us struggling with this gift we've been given, motherhood.

To @Drowning-I feel your pain and your need for connection. With a 3 year old and a 6 month old my struggles seem to be reciprocal and I feel desperate and out of control sometimes. The yelling gets to be to much, I get impatient and I crave sleep. But these moments are small and fleeting as I remind myself of the big picture and that is the unequivocal love I feel for these boys, the privilege of raising them, learning from them, being their mom is the best thing on earth. Snapping out of it sometimes is only a yoga pose, a bounce on my knee, or a nice big glass of red wine away....

You are not alone sister.....

[Amy]

I am in the waves right now. A 1 year old and 2 year old consumes our lives. I miss "us" and I miss "me". Struggling to find an identity as "family of four".

[TheFeministBreeder]

I just read a truly incredible book called "Stunned: The New Generation of Women Having Babies, Getting Angry, and Starting a Mother's Movement." http://www.amazon.com/Stunned-Generation-Getting-Creating-Movement/dp/0757307833/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1259483138&sr=8-1

It talks about the inequities so many women face when becoming mothers. We think we've got our careers and our feminism all figured out, and this motherhood stuff changes everything in ways we never saw possible, mostly because the establishment isn't set up fairly for us. We don't realize until we become mothers that GETTING to do it all might mean HAVING to do it all.

And short answer - yes, I've been there. Not sure if I've ever met a mother who hasn't been there. The best way to survive is to find other mothers experiencing the same self-doubt and despair, and wrap their support around you like a shelter from the storm.

I'm told this will pass. With 2 boys under 4, I have yet to see it, but I keep hoping.

[DaisyGirl]

To MrsHaley: Thank you for your comments! It's like you took the words right out of my mouth. You summed it up perfectly: "And that's also not to say I don't find motherhood difficult. But like I said -- on its most difficult day, it's preferable to my life "before." I was happy to leave that life in the dust. I am so much more fully "myself" now.."

[thebigmeow]

Possum was as unplanned as a baby can be. I was 19, still living with my Mum, still at uni with years to go on my degree. He was not an easy baby, or an easy toddler, and he's not an east pre-schooler. We recently found out Possum is Autistic so he wont be easy, ever.

Bug was planned, he is easy, he is charming and lovely and so far no signs of Autism.

I love them both, so much. Even though it has been hard, and is hard, and will be hard, I don't want my old life, and I don't want to be my old self. If it weren't for my children there are things I never would have faced or done or learned.

Of course, I would like more freedom sometimes, and more sleep, and always more time (one day I'd like to travel overseas); but on good days like today I'm happy to wait. On bad days like yesterday I cry, eat chocolate and read AskMoxie comments all day. Sometimes I fight with my husband, or throw my phone against the wall, but on good days like today I visit a friend and have a cuddle with my beautiful boys.

It helps for me to have such a supportive Mum and MIL. Especially my MIL. She was only 18 when she had DH, but now she is happy, has finished uni, is working and enjoying her life.

It helps having a place like AskMoxie, where even though everyone here is on the other side of the world we are all working through the same problems and issues, and in some small way we are working through together.

[DaisyGirl]

Jsut wanted to add:
Moxie, I'm so sorry to hear your friend's going through a difficult (dangerous!) situation right now. Will definitely keep her in my prayers.

[Erika]

As a total introvert and someone who needs alone time/down time/ME time - motherhood for the first three years has been an incredibly difficult state of being. I have experienced the entire spectrum of normal first-time mom emotions, from bliss and contentment to resentment and anger. Bad PPD and PTSD have both magnified all of these feelings to nearly unbearable levels. Add to that the guilt of sometimes resenting my hard-fought, hard-won IVF baby and it has been hard.

But - as previous women have stated - I can't imagine life without this little person in it. She is a true soulmate and a constant source of love. She's also a source of hilarious entertainment that only a 3 year old can provide.

Yes, sometimes I fantasize about running away. The fantasy almost always involves the tropics, and I am absolutely, completely and always *alone* in the fantasy. But fantasy can never match reality, which is far more engaging and wonderful.

Your friend is normal. She does need prayers and positive thoughts - but so do we all.

[Cassieblanca]

@raia - Yes, I totally found that year two was harder -- 18 months to 2.5 kicked. my. ass. Completely. It didn't help that my boy was not a sleeper, so I didn't have the energy to stay calm in the face of my tiny, melting-down, ball of obsessive compulsivenes. But I think it would have kicked my ass anyway -- aside from the sleep, my boy was a pretty contented baby (yes, I did feel I lost myself, but because he was so happy to just hang out in the sling and be wherever I was, I could still *do* stuff, if you know what I mean, even if it wasn't always the stuff I did before). At 18 months, well he got an opinion about things, and he's been pretty solidly sure of his opinions ever since. Seeing as the apple did not fall far from the tree (opinionated, moi?) we have had many a head-butting moment this last year, of which I am not proud. However, two things have helped: I've recently gone back and re-read my "How to Talk So Kids Will Listen..." (and Alfie Kohn and Haim Ginott and P.E.T. and all the rest) and (when I remember, and when I have the energy, and when I can stop myself melting down too) I am trying to listen and tune in to him -- he does really respond well when he knows that you are listening and you care that he is sad or angry (*and* you don't actually have to un-break the cookie to make it all better, which I was trying to do for a long time -- just the listening and making sure he knows that I do actually understand that he's pissed off about something seems to help). And the other thing: he just turned three, and I dunno -- he just seems so much more contented again. And yes, at 18 months three seems like, oh, 700 years away, but it comes. I still don't have my old life back yet (bits of it, but not all, and not even some of the bits that I would really, really like back), but the new life has a person in it that I'm discovering I would choose to hang out with. On purpose! So, hang in there, it will get better!

Oh, and @caramama: His third birthday was Tuesday, and last night HE SLEPT THROUGH THE NIGHT. I read your post from before and didn't want to hold out any hope that he might actually sleep, but he did! Of course I didn't. And of course now that I've told the internets about it, he won't sleep through again until I send him off to university...

[Flo]

@Charise- I love what you said about the daily practice of parenting, particularly in relation to the gentle discipline thing. I have that conversation with myself about three times every single day.

My son has just turned three and I finally feel like I'm coming up for air. Age 2 to 3 overwhelmed me. Why didn't I drown? I thought I was going to! It was nothing I did. It just passed I think.

He's three now and he sometimes sleeps through the night. And lo and behold my memory is working again and I can read entire books and hold conversations with people. And my partner and I are gradually beginning to like each other again.

I don't know if it's my old life again. How can it ever be? But I'm starting to recognise myself again. It feels good.

[Flo]

@Kyma, re: how much of this struggle do you discuss with people who are thinking of having kids or are pregnant?

In the last year I've been quite honest with anyone who bothered asking. I've gotten a few stay-the-hell-away-from-this-unhinged-woman looks. I don't care. I wish someone had told me!

[Lisa]

I hated being a mom. I wrote "I hate being a mom" in Google one night, then wrote it to a forum and was showered with hate back. I hated my husband for making me a mom. Before we got married I said, "don't ever ask me to have kids". My resentment nearly ruined our very, very good marriage.

I would literally test myself regularly saying," would I miss her if she was gone forever, today?" For months the crushing answer was no.
Its called an adjustment disorder. What you have to grasp is that it will NEVER go back to what it was. For this I am taking medication, and I got some therapy; but the true benefit came from medication and exercise. I didn't bond for 10 months. I faked it. Faking it helped make it real. I reminded myself to kiss her every time I picked her up. I forced myself to narrate my nearly every move to her. When she woke up from her nap, I picked her up saying "I'M your mommy". We paid a next door neighbor to watch her just so we could go for a 45 minute walk together in the evening.
I am so much better. She's almost 4. My marriage is still difficult in that I don't trust my husband to have sex with my stress fattened body. we don't have sex. But we are best friends again, tho the anger bubbles up.
Your baby needs you and daddy, but you don't have to be perfect.
your job is to keep you BOTH alive.

[Jennifer @ Here I Stand]

Can I identify with both the struggling moms and the ones who felt like they were born to be moms? I'm not the ambitious sort professionally, and I knew that I wanted to be a SAHM. No regrets there. But the first six months in particular was SO HARD. And I did feel like, WHY had no one TOLD me it would be like this??

I realized later that my first daughter was a difficult baby. She had reflux, and she did not sleep through the night until after one year...was up three times a night for a long time. And she has an intense, extroverted personality, from birth on (I'm an introvert). So MANY tantrums, and they are ALL so loud.

What helped: a nap and bedtime schedule that was rigorously adhered to from about 6 mo. or so. We're still a bit draconian about bedtime for my now-7-yr-old, because she does NOT function well with too little sleep, and the child does not sleep past 7 am (most mornings it's 6:15-30), no matter how late she's been up the night before. Also? I NEED alone time and quiet time. Nap (for baby) and a decent bed time (for both kiddos) give me that.

The difference between my first and second daughters as babies was incredible. My second would lie in a bassinet or her car seat in the kitchen (awake) and actually be content for 20 minutes or so during dinner! My MIL (whose own stories of colicky babies were so comforting with my first) and I just stood there and stared at this happy baby. "Never saw THAT before," she said.

Sometimes I think about clueing in expectant mothers, but my first seemed so different than other babies that I wasn't sure my experience was normative. The most I've said is that those first few months are like parenting boot camp. I say it to indicate that it will be hard, but also that it will get better. SO MUCH better.

[abcd]

Moxie- i prayed for K.

thanks for this post.
i have read about 1/2 the comments-
and the one that sticks with me is the one mentioning the *illusion of control* we thought we had prior to children.
much of my journey has been about letting go of control.
seems like most of us hit this wall earlier than later in our parenting journeys.
keep up the great work.
Mommy's change the world.

[Kelly]

Sometimes I can let the wave pass over me, and I try to remember to not fight it, but I'm a fighter by nature and I keep assuming that things will get easier and.they're.not. My 3yr old is my joy - he's a frustrating-at-times joy, but I'm deeply bonded with him. My 5yr old I don't think I've ever bonded with and things are so hard with/for him (birth complications, ADHD). It's so hard to love him. I do, but most of the time it hurts. I hate that. I'm fighting it - trying to figure him out and our relationship and how to make us both/all happier. I feel like I'm drowning, and always have, where he's concerned. I can come up for air just barely enough to survive, but... As much as I tell myself that I'll get through this, I ask myself how much more I can take.

[anon]

I (we, husband included) experienced the complete shock as well. We have a daughter who had major sleep problems, due to something with digestion/constipation. She would scream a lot during the day and we just dreaded night. I won't even start in on the night time. Then one day it finally got better around 16 months. But she still slept poorly compared to most (and still does)! I think it was the severe sleep deprivation that really got to us. My husband and I went from a great couple to talking divorce. My husband went from the kindest most patient person I've ever known to a grouchy man who would get so upset, he'd punch his fist through closet doors. I also changed. It was so hard. Somehow, we stayed patient and kind with our daughter, realizing that she couldn't help it. I'm happy to say that now we're recovering and our daughter is absolutely amazing to us. She is 3.5 and I'd have to say we've felt this way about her for a good year and a half now! Of course I've always loved her, but I now feel that amazing mom love that everyone always talks about. I truly can't imagine life without her now, when early on I JUST WANTED MY LIFE BACK! I still can't imagine going for #2--it was always our plan, but after this first experience I think our family is set! I wish my husband and I could get our mojo back, it's just not the same.

[MLB]

Things changed for me definitely. But as an earlier commenter said, This too shall pass. And then you are still there. It is important to remember that you are still you. And there are ways to achieve that. Your relationship with your partner is still crucial, as is your relationship with yourself. I confess that I returned to work after each of my kids were born - my career is not the same it would have been but it's still there in a different form. Take time to look at what is still important to you, whether it's reading the NYT or painting or whatever and do that. Not everything has to be about the baby.

[caramama]

@Erika - "Yes, sometimes I fantasize about running away. The fantasy almost always involves the tropics, and I am absolutely, completely and always *alone* in the fantasy. But fantasy can never match reality, which is far more engaging and wonderful." EXACTLY!

@kyma - I am generally very honest about my struggles and enjoyment of parenthood with parent-to-bes. I do preface it with the fact that my daughter was not an easy baby or good sleeper, so they probably won't have my issues. But I am very honest that I found it difficult, but I really try hard to balance it with how wonderful my child is and being a parent is. Also, I laugh about it while saying it's freaking hard. I think it helps others hear you joke about it and lighten it somehow, while still being honest.

@TheFeministBreeder - "We think we've got our careers and our feminism all figured out, and this motherhood stuff changes everything in ways we never saw possible, mostly because the establishment isn't set up fairly for us." AMEN!

@Cassieblanca - Yeah for at least one night of him sleeping through! I hope that you haven't jinxed it and that you get at least a few more before he goes off to university. hehe.

@Lisa - I'm so sorry for your struggles. I'm glad you are getting help. And thanks for putting your story out there so others will know that sometimes it's something more than just missing your old life.

[Elaine]

I absolutely get the analogy. I actually used the wave analogy to get through my contractions during labor - and then was amazed how many times the imagery helped me the first year of motherhood.

Now I have a 19 month old, and it is getting a bit better. The awesome moments are happening with more frequency.

We've touched on what to say to people looking at having their first. My question to all of you with more than one - what do you tell those of us that know what it's really like and are wondering whether to have another?

We're in discussions for trying for #2 in a few months. We're older and our window will close in the next year or two. Logically I tell myself that I can suck it up for another couple of years and that investment will pay off big down the road. But another part of me is so happy to finally feel good about the new normal - to feel like I actually exist again. Knowing what I know now, can I willingly do it again?

When I let myself think about #2, I want to know who this new person is - I want to see my son loving him or her and see them growing up together.

But I finally just got within sight line of shore. I'm not sure I can do it again.

[blue]

@meggiemoo: "I think expectations get in the way of joy." The simplicity and pure truth of this sentence is rocking my world today. Thank you.

@drowning: I was you when my first was a year, and beyond. The sleep deprivation was the single hardest thing I've ever been through.The only thing that got me was letting her cry it out. I was against it. My LLL mindset said, "Sleep with her, nurse her, nurture her..." but I was tired and depressed began resent her and everyone around me. I remember looking at people's homes while driving home from a weekend away when she was about 8 weeks old and wondering, "I wonder if they sleep at night..." It consumed me, and yet, I made it through and did it all over again 4 years later, without such striking difficulties. Be kind to yourself and don't be afraid to ask your doctor about medication if you think you may be depressed.

[the milliner]

@hush - are we living parallel lives? I have constant fantasies about all the changes I can make around house, how I can re-decorate to make it kid and adult pleasing.

And never mind my fantasies of what I can make for L to play with, to wear, to decorate his room. It's a disease. My mind just goes and imagines these amazing things, and then I'm confronted with the harsh reality that I can barely get the laundry done, or the bills paid, let alone start a new project. Which is to say, it's kind of depressing!

And I just have one. We're two adults to one kid (well and a dog and a cat to be fair), and we can't even find the time between us to keep up. I've already pared down my Xmas project ideas to be more in line with reality.

I dream of the day that L & I can be working together on a project or side by side on our own projects. Together time but me time at the same time. This is the only way I can imagine how this can function. Which means, will probably only hit this stride sometime after age 3 (which, I've heard is the magic age when you apparently get your life back).

Managing my own expectations. That's a hard one for me.

@cloud - You make a good point. But what I want to know is how the hell they found time to do stuff in the first place?! I guess the reality is that you don't see everything. There could be nannies involved or very involved grandparents etc. behind the scenes. I must admit that I've been known in the last 18 months to throw a small dinner party just so the house would actually get cleaned.

[hedra]

At this point I don't remember what my old normal even was. Eh. I do remember being totally blown away by the parent thing. I remember discovering myself and ep again through our date nights, discovering that I did actually care about politics and school choice and so many things, because it mattered to my child's future. Total rearrangement of those priorities. But perhaps because I never had a strong framework of self (busted by being abused as a child, recreated/restructured by hand over many years), maybe it was easier for me to say 'okay, tear it down and start again'.

I'm 12 years down the road, so the perspective is also different. Life changes utterly about every 10 years for most people (that's an old rule of thumb), and for me, part of the initial change was realizing that I am not a static being. I am genuinely different and evolving every blessed day. So what feels like 'the me' is really just a snapshot of a collection of things I think are stable. Looking back over old journals, I am often shocked at how differently I viewed that 'me', what a different picture it was. There's very little that is really truly core to me. They are:

Finding pleasure in having an impact/being effective
Finding pleasure in feeling successful
Finding pleasure in being at specific moments (but not necessarily all the time)
Enjoying information and analysis, especially where it requires a synthesis of different information types/sources
Finding satisfaction through application of the analysis I've done

That's about it. Successful day with my kids, satisfying. Successful day with ep, satisfying. Successful day at work, satisfying.

And life starts to really open up and breathe for me when the youngest child is about 3 years old. Saw that with the first (4 years between him and his brother), saw it again (eventually) after the girls hit 3 1/4. That was a long haul (three years between them and their elder brother, so... juuuust about to get some space and BAM, start over!). But here I am, the girls are five (!!) and this is fabulous. My biggest problem is slowing down on the work that I love so much, so that I'm engaging with my family enough.

It's like a whole new life starting, brand new and shiny. And maybe because there is SO MUCH distance between my old life and the new one, it is easier for me to forget exactly what was so precious about that old one anyway... just one or two kids, and you can still see it over the bridge from here, which may make it harder to let go of the yearning. But also may make it easier to get back to the shape of it when you do get that breathing room.

As for what helped? Time. Lots of talking out the concepts with ep and with my friends (who were fortunately as honest as the commenters here). I know one mom who didn't really get to where she liked being a mom until her kids were teens (didn't really bond with her kids until then, wished it had happened sooner - one of the kids forgave the time it took and ran with it, the other last time we talked had not forgiven her for not being 'that kind of mom', and spent all his energy on dad instead... she was sad, but couldn't fault him for it, either). Anyway, just saying there's a WIDE range of normal.

I really loved that my best friend was able to say 'you feel overwhelmed with one, and then you have two and get so much more organized, so that with two, you have the same level of chaos as you did with one.' AHHH! But, at the same time, yes. And she was/is an orderly, house in shape, runs-a-home-daycare mom, yet had the same frazzled FEELING with that as I did with my chaos (which was much messier than hers, but she also said she wished sometimes she could let it go and ease up on herself more). She was always neater/tidier than me, so she never expected me to be a neat-and-tidy mom, and that came through - I was me, as mom, much like I was me, before momhood. That acceptance and sometimes wry/sometimes just painfully honest truth-telling was fabulous for my transition to motherhood.

And yet I still vaguely recall it SUCKING as a transition, feeling like I'd careened face first into a brick wall at 90 miles an hour, and was still picking up the bits of me that were scattered everywhere, not even sure where all these parts even belonged. So even with good expectations (that is, I expected it to be a head-whack, life-rearranging, self-restructuring UNKNOWN), and with honest and forthright friends, it still was rough...

I do like the analogy of the wave, myself. I can't count the number of times that I had to say 'I just have to roll with it' but the image was of being tumbled, the way a wave would roll you if you were underneath, and the sense of needing to relax into the movement and let it carry me along so I could get a sense of which way was up again, rather than fighting for 'up'.

[Cori]

@Elaine - Having #2 was in many ways a healing experience for me. Taking care of a newborn without the steep learning curve helped me regain my confidence. Although I know it's a different experience for everyone, and my second was a much easier baby. (And that helped a lot!)

I tell anyone who will listen that the transition from one child to two was exponentially easier than the transition from no kids to one. Also the dramatically decreased expectations mentioned by a previous commenter make life much easier.

My second pregnancy was unplanned. My first son was only five months old when I got pregnant again. It was the luckiest "mistake" of my life. I might not have even wanted a second baby at all if I had the chance to think about it. Now I cannot imagine life without him. Hope that helps.

[Ck]

@Drowning- Just within the last couple weeks, I posted here about what a failure I felt like; that my son just yelled at me all day, that my house was a disaster and my life out of my control. But then something changed... I don't even know what changed it but my 18 mo old son is sleeping well, he's happy, I'm happy. It's like a light switch has been turned on. Point is, it DOES get better. (And then it might slide back for a bit, then get better again). It just seems never-ending and bleak and horrible at the time. Take care of yourself and ask for help if you possibly can .

[hedra]

@fiona - yes on the changes in who can do what, but I also found that the women who were now also parents ALSO couldn't come out to play, because schedules differed, time was too short, etc.

@Drowning, I'll ditto ditto ditto. It will not always be like that. But there are some techniques my mom taught me that may help you deal while you get there. She had seven kids (ouch), mostly about 2 years apart. She said that she dialed it down to 'one single moment she could look back on and smile each day' JUST ONE. Even if she had to fabricate it by staying up late playing mousetrap or something, she would do it to get that single moment. And many days she didn't get that one, either. But she had one a few days back, maybe. She build a strand of those that was enough to carry her through, built a bridge to the point where she could cope. I've quoted her on this many times, but I'll do it again for you - Throughout her life, she was asked over and over, two questions: Are you sorry you had so many kids, and if you could do it over by choice, would you? When we were little, she said she wasn't sorry, but she would probably not do it again if she could control it (hyperfertile, she had an IUD in with me, she tried everything available... sigh). When we were mainly teens/preteens, she said HECK Yes, I'm SO SORRY I DID THIS, and no way in hell would I do it again. And then as the last of us crossed into adulthood, she said the answer changed again - to "No, I am not sorry I did this, and I would do every blessed miserable moment, right down to holding my eldest child as he died in my arms on the way to the hospital, again." It is more than worth it, and the payoff is not in the childhood years, it is in the adult-to-adult relationship later. Even for those relationships that are challenging or tricky or distant. My mom has now 8 kids (one adopted in as a teen, effectively, and counting my eldest brother), and of those, probably half are good solid relationships, and only two are not fraught with tension and issues regularly. But it is still worth it.

@Raia, my second was an easy, gentle baby who slept 5 hours at 5 weeks, 6 at six week, 7 at 7 weeks... ahhh. And HELL ON EARTH between 2 and 3 1/2. Turned out to have a dietary issue that interfered with his function (from 14 months on), could not tolerate much fructose (Fructose Malabsorption), the 'toddler diarrhea' wasn't just toddler diarrhea, it was massive fermentation causing him to be unable to absorb tryptophan which meant he couldn't make enough serotonin to keep his brain functioning normally. Diet change = different child. That might not be your situation, but since 1 in 3 toddlers have Fructose Malabsorption, consider the possibility at least. (About 1 in 6 adults have it, only half have digestive symptoms at all, and those who do have GI symptoms can have either diarrhea or constipation, and it may be quite mild.) Anyway, consider that. I missed it for YEARS (it wasn't until it was so bad that he stopped growing that I finally realized this wasn't normal, but that something was actually wrong).

More later as I keep reading comments...

[Cloud]

@Elaine- My second baby is 2 months old now. I posted earlier in this thread that I found 1->2 much easier than 0->1. I won't repeat, but maybe it would help if I was a bit more specific. Here is what I find easier:

- I'm more willing to go out w/the baby. This is partly because #2 is an easier baby, but partly because I have more confidence now. I'm less likely to feel judged and less likely to care if I am being judged.

- I am already comfortable in my identity as mom + a bunch of other things as opposed to mom instead of everything else, which I struggled with the first time around.

- Breastfeeding has gotten off to an easier start and I know that the intense "tethered to my baby" phase is just that- a phase.

- In fact, I know that everything is just a phase. That is my #1 learning from the first 2.5 years of motherhood.

And here's what is harder:

- Figuring out how to recharge my mommy energy. With two to get into bed, etc., it just isn't possible to get time to myself until about 10 p.m., by which time I need to go to bed. I know that this will get better when I go back to work.

- Finding time to connect with Hubby. For the same reasons. We're trying to find ways to handle the administrivia via email or something, so that when we do get time to talk it isn't just "we need diapers. Did you pay the bills?"

[anotherredhead]

@hedra: as always you rock my world with your comments and perspective. Thanks for sharing your mom's quote. It really helps put things in the context.

[Anonimizer]

Ditto all the above BUT here's my question...
what if you didn't really love the life before, but you're stuck in a kind of "no-man's land". You're knee deep in the baby/toddler years with very little time/space/mental capacity to evolve and test other paths. I feel like I am stuck in the middle of a vat of gello. I know I am going to have a different kind of life when the youngest hits 3 or so but what is it? Right now I am so UNmotivated to find out....do you all suddenly wake up one day with renewed energy and zest and go on to figure out not only how to get your life back but what that life looks like.....does it just happen. I guess I am afraid of always being in the gello and wasting away in the goo......
does this make any sense??!

To those wondering about transition from 1 to 2. The first 2-3 months are very hard on everyone esp. the eldest child but then soon routines start to emerge and acceptance starts to happen. It goes in phases but at about 18 months with the youngest and we're a family unit again. The shock wears off. It IS hard, but impossible to quantify due to individual factors of age gap, help from others, personality of children etc. My 2nd is very easy so that has helped tremendously. I do have a large age gap on purpose and am very thankful for it. I suggest if you're having a hard time with a toddler do your best to wait till they are old enough for preschool/prek before having #2. I could not have coped with 2 in diapers.....but that's just me, esp. as #1 was high needs, colicky, non-sleeper.

[nej]

@Elaine - I, too, found 1 to 2 MUCH easier than none to one. You're already a mom. My analogy is to driving - with the first you gotta learn the rules of the road, remember to look in your rear-view and learn how to maneuver the actual vehicle. With #2, you just gotta learn how to maneuver a different kind of vehicle - my #1 is a sports car, a FAST! one, where #2 is a calm, quiet baby...maybe a sedan? But now merging onto a highway is no longer the panic-inducing threat it used to be. And honestly, even if baby #2 was half as difficult as #1 had been as an infant (so difficult!) I would have done it again so that #1 would have a sibling. My sibs are two of the most important people in the world to me and I didn't want to deny my son that gift.

@Hedra - can you recommend a good starting point for FM research? I'm finally taking E to a GI specialist but couldn't get in for over a month. I want to go in knowing as much as I can and reading your words triggered a "what if it's...?" moment in me, so I'll take anything you've got.

[Briar]

Beck is 2 years, 4 months now. I can report that the first six months were that struggle and that I now look back and wonder what the eff my problem was. I was FLIPPING OUT over how hard it was. After years of infertility. I felt so disappointed in myself for my reaction. And then... I remember telling a newly pregnant friend that it was all really great once you surrendered to completely losing your life and that she looked horrified. And then... it just got better. And keeps getting better. But seriously - I wish I could have convinced myself to embrace those early days when all I did all day was watch Sex and the City reruns and nurse and nurse and nurse. Sleep deprivation makes everything seem impossible, though, so I know there would be no getting through to my earlier tired self. PS - I would still probably be losing my mind if I had not gone back to work when he was 1.

[Sigh]

I just want to apologize first off b/c I so rarely post and never anything much helpful or encouraging. Right now I'm so mired down that I hate to say I don't feel like I have much to give. I feel ashamed even posting now, but I'm desperate and have no one to tell and nowhere to turn.
I am a mean mom. I don't hit, but I can be loud and hurtful and intimidating. My DS is 2 1/2 and DD is 5 mo. Every day I feel sick and terrible, and I yell most days. DS has picked up my angriness and tantrums can be ridiculous with his out and out purple-faced screaming. What can I say? Telling him not to do this is the same as spanking then telling your kids not to hit. (I do tell him not to, and I apologize when I yell, but even so, how empty is an apology if you just keep doing it?)
I don't know if I hate my husband b/c things are bad or if things are bad b/c that relationship sets the tenor for our home. The usual complaints--won't listen, Debbie Downer, boring in bed, not mean but not kind (emotionally checked out), passive aggressive etc. So I feel like a jerk for this, too.
My useless 'rents just bailed again, too--heading out of the country, traveling around getting ready w/o any schedule and insulted that I told them they just can't come and go all odd times from my home. I just can't take it. They've never been there for me, and I'm really feeling mental.
Daily I feel desperate and like a failure. I want to be home with these kids, but I feel so not good at it. Of course, the rest of the time I'm a great get-on-the-floor-and-play, doing arts and crafts, singing and dancing, no-TV, go outside in the mud and rain, homemade food, whole-wheat, organic only, gardening, cloth-diapering, wood-toying kind of mom. But I cannot imagine it makes up for the yelling and my general sadness, and the hateful words and fights with my hubby in front of them. I think I do all those other things in a pathetic attempt to make up for what is really a hell-hole.
Anyway, sorry again for being a downer, just hoping someone 'listens' so I can feel less miserable and hopeless and alone. Oh yes, also--can't seem to make friends, cuz how do you do that when you feel like this? And due to a very torn up childhood, not so good at making friends so I didn't manage when preg or newborn (always feel shy, don't know what to say, have trouble in the emotional investment, don't know how to take casual friendship any further, etc).
OK, done with the pity party. Just keep on keeping on, right? The tide will turn, I assume.
Thanks to everyone who listened.

[sarah]

@ sigh: "I want to be home with these kids, but I feel so not good at it. Of course, the rest of the time I'm a great get-on-the-floor-and-play, doing arts and crafts, singing and dancing, no-TV, go outside in the mud and rain, homemade food, whole-wheat, organic only, gardening, cloth-diapering, wood-toying kind of mom. But I cannot imagine it makes up for the yelling and my general sadness, and the hateful words and fights with my hubby in front of them."

MOXIE CAN WE DO A POST ON THIS COMMENT? I feel like I strive and succeed when it comes to all organic, quality, food, travel, beautiful clothes and home, but I don't know how to have fun and love every day with my son. Sometimes it is just so BORING and I do rage and yell at him -- like I learned abuse from my mother and now I have someone upon whom to release the rage. I want to be better and be the best mom ever, because he is an awesome son and child, can we talk about the dark days?

[mothergoose]

There is so much I could say, I will only say this. To those of you who are feeling desperate, get help. Get help. Get help. It can get better if you get help.

[Prism]

Raising and waves hand! Did anyone experience this? Yes! Me! It was complicated by the fact that I got laid off unexpectedly and lost my job when I was 8 months pregnant. I started mourning the loss of my old life before the baby was even in my arms, since I knew I couldn't even try to interview for new jobs that far along like the other designers who were laid off with me. I sailed through the lay-off smoothly, thanks a lot to a firm trust in God to take care of us and shape our path and being gifted with sense of perseverance and determination. But when the baby came I was fully unprepared for how demanding a newborn would be, and how much postpartum recovery (without a complicated delivery even, it is still a recovery!) and sleep deprivation would take a toll. Who really is, right? It was really, really hard for the first few months. It was like living in a fog most of the time, and I barely left the house and rarely got out of pajamas. For awhile I did really feel like I was suffocating or struggling underwater. I did worry the career I spent 5 years in college for was now over in just 5 years. I even wondered if I would ever have time to do things I loved like running or training for any other marathons. At that point, I still was also dealing with all the new mom things (like learning about sleep regressions and developmental leaps... aka, why is it every time I thought I figured something out it all changes!). I really missed the stability my old life had, and felt I was at the mercy of everything for awhile.

I now can speak as someone on the other side of the wave, who finally took a deep breath in the sunshine again, with the ground beneath my feet a year later. Slowly, so so slowly I found the confidence to pursue what I really wanted to do and have been pursuing my dream of being a freelance graphic designer who would be able to work a lot from home. My first client only kept me busy a short time, but after several months of waiting and applying everywhere I just got a verbal offer yesterday from a place that should offer steady work, let me work at home most of the time, and overall is exactly what I was waiting for. I'm so excited about it, I'm actually nervous that I'm going to wake up and find I was just dreaming. In retrospect, I was glad I didn't have to rush back into work so quickly, like I had planned to go back part-time (just for some stability) when he was around 3 months old. I really wasn't ready even then! Despite being very financially tight the last year, I wouldn't have traded being at home with our little Boober his entire first year of life for anything now (certainly not my old job). My DH has also had the chance to be home a lot with us, as he was finishing up his degree. Though our situation sounds ideal when I think about it (both parents home most of the time for their child's first year of life, feeling poor but getting by), quite honestly I doubt we would have chosen this route if we had been giving the choice in advance because we would have been too afraid.

For me personally, I also learned ways to achieve things again. I began finding satisfaction from tackling things around the house, much like I used to have regular satisfaction from completing projects when I was working full time. I got back into my hobby of cooking again and found a running buddy to go out with occasionally. Nothing is as good as the feeling from the supermom days where I go to bed feeling like I met his needs, had a little time for myself, and got through my to-do list. Motherhood is definitely more rewarding than college or career ever was. It even felt much easier to decorate for Christmas this year.

The time can vary from person to person, before you are loving your new life and self. It took me close to a year to feel like I was back on my feet and finally had control over my life. But there is no right or wrong way or time line. I hope every new mom still feeling underwater will one day hit the point she can look back in retrospect at all she went through, and celebrate the good thing and find strength and encouragement in the way the challenges further built her character.

[Prism]

By the way, it took me an hour to read all the comments but it was worth it! Wow! I will definitely point other new moms I know toward this.

And, I forgot to post this above but after a year one of the biggest shifts that occurred and helped me immensely was finally accepting reasonable expectations are with my son, instead of what is good for other people's kids or what I read in some book. It is actually freeing to discover what you can control and what you cannot.

[Cloud]

@sigh- I think you can stop feeling like your anger/yelling is responsible for your son's tantrums. I think all 2.5 year olds tantrum- even the ones with saintly mothers who never yell (if there are any of those around). Seriously, we're pretty gentle parents, not too much yelling (but we're human, so there's some), and oh my god can my 2.5 year old daughter throw a doozy of a tantrum.

I'm not saying that you shouldn't want to get your anger under control and yell less- I think we all strive for that. But I don't think you should blame yourself for your son's tantrums.

Do you think you'd have more energy to be the sort of mom you want to be if you allowed yourself some more slack on the organic food/wood toys/gardening/no TV stuff? You know, just let your son watch a little TV to give yourself a 30 minute breather now and then. I think there is a real tendency in our culture to judge mothers, and it seems like now we're judging on how organic and local our food is and whether our kids spend all their time playing with educational toys lovingly handcrafted in some fair trade center in a developing country or play with mass-produced plastic toys and watch TV. It is insane, and no mortal mother can live up to these expectations.

I guess what I'm saying is- figure out what's really important to you as a mother and fudge a little on all the rest.

And yeah, the day to day care of young children can be boring and utterly draining, and it is easy to feel like you're no good at it, because you don't get to see results immediately, or even get a yearly performance review. And every time your child acts up, it feels like you failed. But you haven't- a lot of the acting up is developmentally normal stuff, and even necessary. I can't tell you the number of times I've said to my husband "I suck at this mothering stuff." I'm lucky- he always at least tries to talk me around, and point out the evidence that we're actually doing OK by our kids.

So hang in there. It sounds like you are doing a very hard job without any support. I hope things get better for you soon.

[nej]

@hedra - never mind. I remember reading about it on your blog so I went back and checked to see if you had any links. You do. So that's where I'll start. Thanks!

[mothergoose]

I also want to add that a big part of the problem is that society as a whole does not truly value the work mothers do. This leads us to feel as if we've "accomplished nothing" at the end of the day, when in fact, we have directly facilitated the development of another human being- fed, cleaned, nurtured, educated. What we do on a daily basis is the foundation for another human being's whole life. It is that important. At the same time, the tasks are repetitive, so if every single task is not always accomplished to your own level of perfection, it is not as important as the fact that the sum total of your work does meet your high standards. I hope this makes sense. If I weren't directly facilitating the development of another human being right now (i.e., finding goldbug), I may have time to be more articulate. Be easy on yourselves. Value your work. You are doing a great job overall, even if you sucked at dinner yesterday.

[mom2boys]

@ sigh - When you feel so empty inside, it is really hard to meet the needs of anyone else but you have keep moving forward for your children so who gets the short end? Your husband. I've got no advice there but just wanted to point out that it isn't necessarily that you are a "bad" person or partner, just that you are wiped out at the moment. My relationship with my partner is just now turning the corner back into something civil and possibly loving. And we don’t have a new baby.
On toddlers and tantrums - I tend towards rage. My mother is an unstable alcoholic. She was not the parenting best model. So....I read lots of books, blogs and signed up for proactive parenting seminars. I'm not perfect - I yell when I get angry - but I've gotten a lot better at not getting angry at my two year old. And he is a handful. He is full of energy and opinions and he's physical. He will yell NO at the top of his lungs and run over to pinch me when he's mad. He throws things and has the sort of tantrums where he falls down and screams and flails about. How I respond has such a big impact but there’s not much I can do to prevent it – so I don’t think your behavior is causing the tantrums at all, just maybe not helping with learning how to manage the feelings. When he yells no, I either give him a look if he’s just yelling at me from across the room or I calmly (this takes so much effort!!!) tell him to talk to me in a nice voice and use his words or say back to him what I think he is unhappy about. He really responds to that. But it is always rinse and repeat. Always.
The tantrums and boundary pushing is constant and I fully expect it to continue until we move on to the next phase. More so than anything else I do as a parent, I'm most proud of the effort I have put into how I am learning to handle communicating with him. I work hard to respond, not react. I wait that half a beat it takes to not yell back or hit back. It doesn't come naturally but it is so worth it. I've said before he watches tv, he plays with CPC and eats things like Spiderman fruit gummies. About TV, I realized that the tv watching had gotten a little out of control so it's been off the past two days and no, he wasn't happy at first but , he's two, he's unhappy with a lot of my decisions.
Also, he still takes a bottle every morning and night and I'm pretty sure he's going to be three before potty training gets serious. Just pointing out the decisions I’ve made to make my life easier in some ways and putting the effort into the areas I think matter most. I have a very limited supply of energy and patience these days. And yes there are days and nights where I feel bad that I don’t do more, do it better, but I’m doing what I can and I’m choosing to cut myself some slack. FWIW – I think apologizing when you make a mistake is a huge gift to give your children. I don’t know that my mom ever apologized. She always acted like the rage had never happened.
On your worthless parents – let them go and fend for themselves in the world. Set up your boundaries and stick to them. I fully believe that parents have a greater responsibility to children than grown children ever do to their parents. This whole I raised you so I demand respect even when I fail to give it – nope doesn’t work for me.
Since I’m an introvert, I also suck at making new friends. And none of my good friends have kids. It’s hard so I totally sympathize with you on that issue. And again, it doesn’t make you a bad person. I happen to work outside the home, so I get interaction and conversation that way. I probably would have been writing your exact post if I were at home with two kids all day, everyday. It’s just not in my DNA to be able accomplish that gracefully.
I think this is a lot of rambling and unloading more than advice for you and I apologize. I do hear you and can relate and hope today finds you in better spirits.

[Olivia]

@ MrsHaley: I feel so much like you. My life before my baby was good, but it had been getting boring as I moved closer to 30. I had done a lot of fun things in my 20s, but I never have been much of a career person. Just don't have a lot of ambition in that department, so fortunately, I don't feel like my baby is holding me back.

I still work because we need the income, but life with my baby is so much more fun and interesting. I'm sorry so many mothers struggle with the changes having children brings.

[caramama]

@Sigh - If you are not parenting the way you want to parent, you can work on it. Therapy was super helpful for me when I was suffering from PPD. My therapist gave me some really great tools to help me get through rough spots and to parent in ways that I wanted. She also told me that it's okay to be a mom who yells. Some mom's yell. Kids grow up fine even with a mom who yells.

Now, I don't like yelling and am generally able to not yell. And perhaps hurtful yelling might be different than just being a mom who yells. But those are things you (and I and everyone) can work on.

If a therapist is not in the cards for you, there are other ways to work to change how you parent. There are some really great books out there that I and others have recommended. Books like How to Talk So Kids Will Listen..., and Playful Parenting, and Between Parent and Child, and Parent Effectiveness Training..., and many others along those lines that can help you learn different techniques. The key would be to read those books and PRACTICE, because when you are trying to learn techniques that don't come naturally to you, it requires a lot of practice. And acknowledging when you've gone back to an old pattern, forgiving yourself, and trying again. And again. And again.

I also recommend Sharon (Mommy Mentor)'s online seminars found at http://www.proactiveparenting.net/. She has a whole seminar just on yelling. I personally have really benefitted from her seminar "How to Respond NOT React to Toddler and Preschool Behavior" and highly recommend it.

Parenting young kids is so tough! We lose ourselves and often can't find the person we want to be, including the parent we want to be. I think it can be exponentially harder when people have not had a good role model in their own parents (this is what I've observed of others, though my parents were fortunately very good, though not perfect).

You said "Just keep on keeping on, right? The tide will turn, I assume." And yes, I do believe that's true. However, I am always striving to be a better mom, wife, worker, person. I forgive myself when I don't live up to what I want to be, but I also work really hard to improve in the areas I think are most important. It's not easy, especially when you are in the thick of things and/or depressed (I suffer from seasonal depression). But when I think about how I want to be, research techniques that would help me be that way, and practice being that way, I feel better about myself. And feeling better about myself helps me forgive myself and my husband for any real or imagined transgressions, which improves our relationship and our relationship with our kids.

I think I'm rambling now. Anyway, I hear ya. It's hard. And you will get through the tough times. But you can work on how you want to parent, and that might at least make you feel a bit better. At least, it helps me. :-)

[Raia]

Hedra, I wish I could blame my nonlove of the toddler age on something he eats, but I honestly think he's perfectly normal, at least as compared to his peers. It's just that I can happily hold a baby for hours and hours with no problems, but I cannot happily play toddler games, figure out and then cater to toddler crazy whims, and read toddler books over and over again as happily. The problem is with me, not with him. :-( I can do it all for small stretches but then, yes, I am bored. He's just starting to play by himself and that is so helpful because at least then I can pop in and out and feel like I am attending to both our needs.

@sigh, your expectations for yourself are so, so high. Even despite the above, I think I'm a good mom, and I am not constantly the "great get-on-the-floor-and-play, doing arts and crafts, singing and dancing, no-TV, go outside in the mud and rain, homemade food, whole-wheat, organic only, gardening, cloth-diapering, wood-toying kind of mom" -- just reading that description makes me tired. Please try to ease up on yourself.
It's hard for everyone to make friends. Maybe instead of trying to 'make a friend' you ask one person you like for coffee one day. Take it slowly. I so hope you feel better soon.

[crescentgirl]

Wow. Perfectly put, Moxie.

[mo]

Hi - just posting to reply to @Sigh. Wow. I am so sorry. You really sound so stressed and unhappy and alone. I can kind of relate... I have twin boys (they are now close to 5) and I will admit that the first year was really rough. I'm not so much an infant person and I also tend to having an anxious personality (that doesn't go so well with crying twin babies). Anyway, when the boys reached 1 1/2 yrs or so, things really improved, in terms of the kids and us enjoying them and me being/feeling more involved.

However, once we got out of the fog of baby-dom, it was much more clear that my husband and I had grown apart. I was just misserable for the next 2 or so years. I was so tired and so quick to yell, more so at my husband but the more it became normal to yell at him the easier it was to yell at the boys too. We FINALLY started seeing a marriage therapist about 5 weeks ago. Best thing we've ever done for ourselves and each other. I already see an improvement in how we are speaking to each other and the kids and also the general tone of our household. Do we still have a lot of work to do? Most definitely, yes. But at least we feel like we are on the same team.

Oh, and in terms of the friend thing... find a weekly structured activity to do with your child(ren). My husband and I did that with our boys. We've been going to music class every week since the boys were a little over one week. We've (slowly) made friends with the other parents in the class and eventually that transcended to meeting up for coffee before or after class, going to the park together, etc. I don't make friends so easily myself but this low pressure way was nice and resulted in a great set of new friends (for the boys and for me/my husband).

Hang in there. Being a mom can be so hard.

[Samantha]

@ Lisa--I was 100% there with you. Fake it until you make it. Glad to hear there's another one out there. I felt like something was wrong with me, but babies are people and I don't warm up to people that quickly. Makes sense that it would take me a while but boy did I feel like a freak for the first 6-12 months.

[Sky]

I think the wave analogy is perfect and I've certainly been able to go with the flow much more with my second than with my first.

Sigh: Like Raia says, I think you have hugely high expectations. Television, for me, is a useful tool to entertain the 2 year old at 5pm to allow me to breastfeed the 8 month old and it is also a very welcome break. That break enables me to recharge my batteries a little and (mostly) not yell during the following meal/bath/bed time, when I am at my tiredest. I look on tv as the lesser evil! Embracing some tv or lowering your expectations in other areas may help you to be more the mum you want to be.

I also found socialising with children difficult. Can I recommend my 3 Question Trick? Before a social event, think up 3 questions that you could ask anyone you get chatting to. For instance, at a playgroup you could ask 'which is your child?', 'how old is he/she?' and 'Is he/she your first child'. You go to the event and start chatting, there is no need to feel socially awkward as you know what you're going to say. After 2 or 3 questions, the conversation will either develop and you can get really talking or you can move on to talk to another person having chatted with person 1 without feeling socially inadequate.

This trick really works and I now have a fantastic group of 10 mum friends who I see regularly and it helps so much to be able to offload in person as well as online. Keep dragging the kids along to the activities and groups and you will meet people that you click with - there are quite a few of us shy, quiet types around!I hope this makes sense, I'm knackered from the night wakings and can't seem to proof read any more!

[anon]

First year and a half -- it broke me. I'm still broken, but okay. Girl is now 2 and a half. Like this so much better than baby time, though I loved her fiercely all along. Feel like maybe I would have been okay if the rest of my life could have disappeared for 18 months -- no husband who needed me, no job to take me away from this all-consuming mother task. Thankfully, husband didn't disappear, though he almost did. We're okay now -- very okay.

[heather]

Yes. I feel like this everyday. I love the ocean, I LOVE my kids, but sometimes I'm exhausted and there's nowhere to go, no break. I know it will end. I wish there was a way to spread all of this intensity out over the course of our lives instead of having it all at once.