Q&A: new information?

Before today's question (which was actually last Friday's question, but the new Typepad interface doesn't let me post from my BlackBerry. FAIL.) I'd like to announce that I've created a new holiday: Candletime. It runs from November 1 through the day before American Thanksgiving (so November 25 this year), and the celebration is that you dim the lights and light a bunch of candles every evening when you get home, and enjoy a cup or tea or coffee or cider or glass of wine. The official greeting is either "Happy Candletime!" or "Light up! It's Candletime!"

Happy Second Day of Candletime!

Now, to the question. A long-time reader with a 5-year-old writes:

"OMFG we're idiots.

all this time and guess what? [Kid's name] totally fits the profile of a spirited child.

help!"

Well, I can't really say I'm that surprised. Knowing this child and having heard the stories, she just always seemed somehow "more" than other kids in intensity and emotion.

But I also don't think this is entirely new information for the poster, either. Five years with a person and you start to figure them out. The way I've witnessed the poster's parenting process, it's looked to me like a slow but sure journey of figuring her daughter out.

So it seems like figuring out the label does two things:

1) It makes you pissed off that you never knew before. How much easier would it have been to have been able to look at someone else's roadmap instead of driving blind?? And to not think it had something to do with your parenting or the dynamic between you?

2) It makes you relieved. It's not just her. It's not just you. It's not just the combo of you. You're not crazy, and you're not raising a psychopath (eeeeeveryone with a child older than 6 months knows what I mean here, spirited child or not). You're not a bad parent. And you can use someone else's roadmap from here on out to prep yourself.

So all in all, having figured this out is great news. Go get a cup of coffee, or take a bubble bath. Or have a cup of coffee in the bubble bath.

The other thing about this, though, is that you may now have a framework for dealing with schools and other adults who don't understand your daughter. If you can find resources that describe the "typical" spirited child, that may make sense to them and help you all help your daughter to grow and learn and all that other stuff, instead of making people feel bad about expectations and "normal" and everything else.

(I'm not going to go into the "I can't believe we missed it this whole time" thing. You know what? Parents miss stuff. Sometimes we're just so busy parenting the kid we have that we don't see them as a category. While sometimes it's helpful to see the categories, most of the time it's exactly right to parent the person right in front of you.)

Anyone have recommendations for the poster for books or websites for parenting a spirited child? Especially ones that are written in language that would make them useful for bringing into discussions with teachers and school administrators? Any other tales from the trenches about spirited kids or anyone else who deviates from the median?

Comments

[hedra]

Oh, and also The Explosive Child for helping coach the skills for the child... and being able to spot the lock-up before it was fully in place. (And recognizing that I'm the same way on locking up emotionally.) That book is geared toward kids with disabilities of some sort, but frankly, it applies to any child between 18 months and 4 years old - when their needs are greater than their communication skills.

[paola]

@SarcastiCarrie,

My 4.5 does the wake up and fool around thing a couple of times a year too. Not that it is tiwce a year, but for two longish periods a year, and at the same time each year too (a couple of months after a birthday, and at half birthday time). I therefore have come to the conclusion that it is growth/developmental related. It is so bizaar (for him) as he is such a good sleeper the rest of the time and then boom, he's up at 2.00, in the bathroom playing with my make up, regularly for a good month and a half.

[Cloud]

@Geek in Rome- what a funny coincidence. I'm reading a book called "Pink Brain, Blue Brain" by Lise Eliot (a neuroscientist and mother), and she is pretty critical of Sax. Before this, I'd never heard of him.

Anyway, you might want to check out that book, too. It is an interesting discussion of what gender differences are truly likely to be innate and what differences we probably amplify by how we raise our kids. It includes some ideas for how to work with the innate differences so as to increase every child's skills- i.e., help boys be more verbal and help girls learn spatial reasoning better.

[Cathy]

I read the first half of the book, "The Difficult Child", recommended by my dentist. The first half of the book is one where you make observations about traits and behaviors and the second half is where you do something about it. I'm not sure that I would completely recommend the book, but I did learn a few things:

1. Your children feel more challenging when you have strep throat or a sinus infection. (I think this goes along with the various posts about yelling triggers, but is also appropriate here, because sometimes you just don't have the energy to put in to "managing" your child.) But once I finished the course of antibiotics, I didn't feel strongly about finishing the book.

2. I thought one specific kid was "the difficult one" but it turns out that both of the older ones are, the 6 year old more than the 15 year old (which is the reverse of my guess), but between the two of them they pretty much have the whole list of challenging traits.

[Geek in Rome]

@cloud. thanks for the recommendation. I will def.ly check it out.

There were several things I didn't agree with in Sax's book, but the premise is that boys and girls do have innate differences ex. hearing ability, energy levels etc...

[donnab]

Great post, thank you.

[Tisha]

I have read both 'raising your spirited child' and 'your difficult child', and preferred the second, although I hate HATE the title. Neither of my children fully fit the description, but I liked the way that 'your difficult child' described the variations in temperments (I also read a book on 'your child's temperment' - I forget the exact title, but it was similar, but dealt more with all temperments). It allowed me to see my son's (and daughter's) behaviour in terms of their temperment, and gave me some language to use with his teacher.

[MargieK]

We've pretty much gotten rid of our candles, as they contribute to indoor air pollution (soy candles have less but not zero). With asthmatics in our home, we don't need any more nasty particulates.

Candles are also a safety hazard. Since most of the readership has small children, this should be a big concern. Our "kids" are college aged, but we have big dogs we've all tripped over, and their tails have knocked over drinks and cleared coffee tables. No, candles would definitely be a bad idea in this house!

Yes, candles are romantic, charming, etc. You can dim the lights and NOT use a candle and get the same effect.

I like to read in the evening, and prefer decent light, because my eyes are getting old.

Anyway, an alternative point of view, in support of better health and safety, something you're usually in favor of! ;)

[hush]

Ditto the "great post" comment. As the mother of a 24 mo. old boy often described (by other parents of toddlers) as "busy," "active," and "a climber," I'm wondering if the "spirited" shoe fits us. Emotionally he is pretty even-keeled, it's his physical side that is lot MORE!

[KatieLady]

wow. I stumbled across this because I wanted to find out what Candletime was, and I'm so glad I love candles because my son fits this temperament profile to a T. Wow wow wow. I'm so excited to start reading some of the books, so that I can get some help. My son is so awesome and wonderful and amazing, and everyone who meets him falls in love. But there's a flip side to his being so outgoing, funny, and sweet- he flips out over the tiniest things, he gets so overwhelmed and melts down, he doesn't stop moving or talking EVER, even in his sleep. And I tend to be very even and mellow, so the two of us have been clashing more and more as he gets older and his personality continues to develop and unfold.

I feel like everyone else- even, to some extent, my husband- sees the good stuff, and all the more challenging stuff is saved for me as his childcare provider (I'm a SAHM). When I pick him up at his little part-time preschool, his teachers gush about him. Then 5 minutes later he's melting down and I'm losing it, and it makes me feel so guilty, like there's something wrong with me that I can't appreciate him or that he only behaves this way with me.

Anyway, THANK YOU everyone for your insight. Can't wait to learn more. I love my little guy so much and it hurts my heart when we so often seem to be at odds.

[otterj]

Oh, just wrote a nice long msg only to erase it by accident. Shorter version now:

I knew my child was Spirited when I would get really frustrated that other moms at the playground would try to talk to me ... how could I possibly carry on a conversation when every bit of my attention was required to keep my toddler from flinging sand at kids, hurling himself off of something too high, etc? I longed for one of those kids that sat there quietly playing with sand toys. Now I have one of those too. Love them both to pieces, but I do not consider it an exaggeration to say that my marriage has really suffered from the challenge of raising the Spirited One.

Two great books:

1. Setting Limits with your Strong Willed Child
http://www.amazon.com/Setting-Limits-Your-Strong-Willed-Child/dp/0761521364
-great section describing "hard to learn" children that need to continue gathering data time after time after time before they really understand a consequence. Nothing else is rocket science but it does show how ambiguous our language can be, especially when fearful of an explosive outcome.

2. Parenting the Strong Willed Child http://www.amazon.com/Parenting-Strong-Willed-Child-Clinically-Six-Year-Olds/dp/0071383018/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1257367211&sr=1-3

This book includes great techniques for breaking the cycle of negative attention seeking that my Spirited Child can thrive on.

[songbird]

I might try to celebrate Candletime when my kid is older... right now it's a mad dash between getting home from work and bed time in between trying to get bottles washed, lunches prepped for the next day, dinner eaten, mail read, etc.

[Torrey]

I think it's absolutely hilarious that you decided to establish Candletime - my husband doesn't read your blog, but just in the last week or so has started lighting a candle before bed every night while we're settling down to sleep!

[heather]

Just catching up on my reading and wanted to comment on how thankful I am for this post! This is my son. My poor husband has recently taken to asking, "What are we doing wrong?!" I'm grateful to now have conviction behind my response of, "Nothing." At three, my son is certainly spirited. We've found some workable responses when he hits his sister, cries hysterically when he can't have the ORANGE cup, ...etc, and I plan on reading Raising the Spirited Child for more. Time outs and spanks did not work, not at all. And I felt so on edge around my friends with their less intense kids. It's good to know that we're not alone.
Candlelight sounds like a fantastic holiday! At our house, we set up a small Christmas tree on Nov. 1 to help offset the early darkness.

[nej]

@otterj - Wow. I thought I was the only one who got frustrated when other moms at the playground or friends and family who wanted to hold actual conversations while my son was awake. I distinctly remember thinking, "Are you blind? My 20 month old son has climbed 25 feet up in the air and you want to talk about who was on Ellen?!?" But like everything, it was just a phase. Mind you, that same kid is still a dare-devil, he just has a lot more skills now. Still requires a watchful eye, but mostly to pay witness to his feats of strength and bravery. Regardless, I wish I'd known you in real life then - we could have silently played at the playground together and occasionally exchanged glances of solidarity.

[Gwen]

I recommend "Raising Your Spirited Child"! 2 out of 6 of my children are spirited. I believe that it's normal to not necessarily know until around 5 yrs unless you have a lot of experience with kids.

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