I am having a bad time

And I wish I could post about it and ask for advice. But I'm legally not allowed to. Which almost makes me want to laugh, but not really.

Anyway, here's some irony*: Now that I'm emotionally healthy enough to allow myself to cry about it instead of just holding it all in like a Good Girl, I've discovered that I'm a Tension Increaser, and crying doesn't make me feel any better.

Somebody say something nice. Here's something: I work with some really smart and kind people, who make me laugh all day long.

Now you go.

* Maybe. I'm not sure I even know what irony is anymore. Rain on my wedding day isn't, but what is? If I feel like saying "Man bites dog!" after I tell the story, does that make it irony?

Comments

[Sarah]

You made me laugh when you said your kids were becoming fun people instead of "bottomless pits of need." This describes my 21-month-old to a T right now, and I sometimes refer to her as the B-PON. Thanks for helping me keep my sense of humor.

[archimama]

Dear Moxie,
Sorry that you are going through such a rough time. Wish I could help and be there for you in some way...you were always there for us while we were struggling through the first year of parenthood.

There is no simple answer nor a solution to make things better but we hope God will grant you strength to keep fighting through your troubles, tenacity to hope for the better everyday, and insight to find joy in the smallest things in your life.

You are a source of unbelievable encouragement to all of us who read your work. Ironic is even though you feel defeated, you already have it within you to survive and win through what you are going through.

I think I'm a tension increaser too...Have peace and let things go.

Thank you for everything. Wishing you the best this holiday season!

[Cloud]

Moxie, I, like so many others, hope you have some real life friends who can help you through. I find crying doesn't help me, but venting/talking to an understanding friend does.

@Caramama- I love your quote. I may have to print that out and add that to the quotes I post at work!

My favorite quote, from a physics prof who claimed it was a Portugese proverb or something:

"Everything always works out well in the end. If things aren't going well, its not the end yet."

@ACJ- I think my toddler photosynthesizes. It is really the only explanation for how she continues to subsist.

[MrsHaley]

When I taught irony (in its literary sense) to my 9th graders, we explained it this way:

Situational Irony is when the plot (or an element of plot) works out one way when the reader has been led to believe it will work out another way.

"Verbal" Irony is when a character says or does something and intends or implies the opposite, OR when a character says or does something and the author intends the reader to infer the opposite.

Those are very simplified definitions, but 9th grader need it that way, you know?

Moxie, I cling to Romans 8:28. Not all things *are* good, but good is always what everything is working toward. 1 set of footprints along today's beach, sister. He carries you.

Nice: DD is 100% potty trained at 2 years, 11 months. 100%. AMEN.

[nej]

Say something nice...hmmm...Last week when our 5 week old was cold and clammy and my DH googled those symptoms, he came running upstairs thinking she was going to die. I took her temperature and discovered that she was just wearing too many clothes, not near-death. Whew. After the drama was over, my dear, dear husband said, "I know, I know. I should have asked Moxie."

Something else nice: 6 weeks in with baby #2 and I am exponentially a better mother. To both my kids. Because of you.

As far as practical advice, I second the need for some sunshine and a little bit of dancing. I danced in the shower the night before my second (disappointing and dreaded) C-section and I actually felt better. Crying would have only made it worse for me, too.

@pennifer - I, too, am very sensitive to noise. My naturopath increased my magnesium and it's all better.

[hydrogeek]

Ouch. I think I've been holding it all in like a Good Girl for far too long. I hope you find a good way to let it out soon. I hope we all do.

Something good: My 3 year old daughter has decided one of the best things in the world to do is to do something silly to make her 1 year old brother laugh. Then I have 2 laughing kids, and she says "Mama! I make brudder WAF!"

And thanks, Moxie, for all that you do here. You really did help me find confidence as a parent, and the belief that I could do this and stay sane. Relatively speaking, of course.

[Geek in Rome]

I hope you are able to find good people with whom you can (legally) vent all the things that need to be aired.

You have provided such an amazing forum for parents to panic, query, and cry for help it seems so unfair you can't do the same.

something nice: all it takes is looking at the sky or the moon or smelling my children's hair and I can't believe I'm so lucky to have and to have given the gift of life...

[Christi]

Sending good thoughts your way.

Today I have randomly seen a bunch of my friends without planning, and it's been fun. That's a good thing.

[MemeGRL]

Nice: Early dark means my kids can enjoy the magic of dusk on the skyscrapers.

Amazing: Your site, your posts, your commenters were a lifeline for me in dark, dark days of parenting. I know I'm just joining the choir on this one but it's totally true.

Remember, that which piles up eventually unpiles. I hope it unpiles in a way that makes you happy.

Now about that commute...if I had a JetPack I'd give it to you!

Happy Thanksgiving. Hang in there.

[Amy]

Moxie, like many here, I emailed you with a sleep question that only you could answer with your personal touch/insight/empathy. That was 2 yrs ago, and I still come back here to read (and re-read) your posts (now for a sleepless 13-mo. old). I am sorry you are going through this, and hope that through it all, you will feel peace and thanksgiving this week.

Now for the nice: We are all finally recovering from the flu/cold/whatever! Oh, and treating myself to a gingerbread latte!

[Melissa]

Can you post anonymously to Her Bad Mother's Basement?

Hmm, something nice. My son has speech problems and he has been parroting us left and right and saying longer sentences. I love hearing him talk!

[ExpatMummy]

Moxie, you, your site and your readers have been a great comfort to me over the past two years. We have lived in (soon to be) nine homes in five cities, in three countries over the past two years and two weeks - with a now two-and-a-half year old trailing behind us.

I miss my friends, I miss my family and, as much as I love my husband, I would suggest that a person thinks long and hard before giving up EVERYTHING to follow her man. While it's been (sometimes) fun and interesting, it's also been incredibly lonely and frustrating. At 18 weeks pregnant with #2 I am terrified of PPD, knowing that we have no support system whatsoever.

The nice part; however, is that my little boy is wonderful, albeit sometimes frustrating. He's smart, charming and cheeky and the apple of my eye. My DH and I can't imagine our lives without him and we're about to (hopefully) settle down for at least two or three years in the same place.

The other nice part is that a friend from my baby group back home turned me on to your web site and I love it. No matter where we are in the world, I can log in and find you and your readers proffering wisdom, humour or just companionship. So thank you Moxie. You're a pretty special person with a gift for reaching hundreds, if not thousands of people who need a friendly ear.

Hard times suck, and sometimes it's like sliding in the abyss but you will come out the other side, and be stronger for it.

[sweetcoalminer]

You have helped so many so much, and I'm totally sorry that you can't discuss whatever you wish in this forum. I'm sorry that you have no forum to work it out.

I wish you a forum, and a relieving cry, some movies, some wine, a good friend or two and lots of hugs from the boys.

Nice thing: The caring, intelligent and wonderful women at my church turned me on to The Nurtured Heart method of parenting, and I feel like something has finally reached my child and I see her true self shining and I'm so grateful.

[Clementine]

Something nice: how fast our little ones are learning and growing. Two years ago there was very little sleeping. Last year they were starting to stand on their own and soon after to walk. This year, running and talking-talking-talking.

Another nice thing: the help you and your site give to parents. I particularly wanted to check in for some tips on preventing biting, and of course there are some good ones here (going to try Cloud's play-acting with the stuffed toy idea). You provide a great community for us. I hope you have a place where you can vent your concerns and frustration, too.

When we are out and about and linger too long in one spot (especially in a store), the girls call out, "Keep going!" When I'm feeling low, I imagine that in their wonderful toddler voices and it cheers me right up. Moxie, just keep going.

[chapmanchick]

Irony: "It's when the actual meaning is the complete opposite from the literal meaning."
(quote by Ethan Hawke as Troy Dyer in Reality Bites, circa 1994)

[doe-a-deer]

My dear friend's son just had an accident. Running around on playground, a branch whipped back into his face, literally popped his eye open, and now he is blind and has lost the eye ball, facing multiple surgeries to stabilize the eye socket so that as he grows, he will maintain a somewhat normal appearance on that part of his face. Five years old, beautiful boy. It really brought me to my knees. Visited him today in the hospital, and he was jumping around like always. Happy, minimally affected.
I felt great joy in seeing the resilience of our children. And it made me think about making an effort not to dirty up their very optimistic view on life, with my sometimes too worrisome/jaded/burned-a-few-times outlook. I gleaned from him that ability to look on the bright side.

[Kathy_B]

I am so sorry you are going through this and cannot discuss it on Ask Moxie! It is, indeed, an irony that your blog is in the business of comforting and giving guidance to those with issues yet you cannot ask for comfort for yourself.

I wish I lived in NYC (or close) - as I suspect that the legal reason you cannot post on the 'net does not extend to in-person conversations.

Just let me say, my thoughts are with you. And here's a hug just because.

[andrea]

I'm sorry you're having a tough time right now. I just recently found you when searching for sleep issues on a toddler and you've brought me so much hope & sanity. It was so encouraging to me to read that my DD is not the only child who acts like she does, even if all the children of my friends are "angels". You helped me to realize I am being a good mommy to my daughter and my 3m old son. THANK YOU!

NICE: making hand turkeys with your 2 yo and then watching her hit the cut out hands yelling "high five" or your 3m old discovering he has feet for the first time.

[Kimberly Shepherd]

I sat down just now to write a similar post on my own blog but when I read yours, I thought there might be something I could offer and therefore I should try. You have made. a. difference. in. my. life. Thank you for working so hard to help mothers and women everywhere discover their own intuition and trust it. I seek to follow the Emerson definition of success:
What is Success?

To laugh often and much;

To win the respect of intelligent people
and the affection of children;

To earn the appreciation of honest critics
and endure the betrayal of false friends;

To appreciate beauty;
To find the best in others;

To leave the world a bit better, whether by
a healthy child, a garden patch
or a redeemed social condition;

To know even one life has breathed
easier because you have lived;

This is to have succeeded.

Ralph Waldo Emerson

You are a HUGE SUCCESS.

Please give yourself and your kiddos a BIG HUG and ask for one from an IRL friend.
Thinking of you - Kimberly

[LuluBelle]

Crying doesn't seem to make me feel better either... that isn't ironic, just sad. Here are some things that help me when the situation is painful and totally out of my hands: exercise, films and fiction, journaling, planning a trip, and doing things for people outside my usual circle. And I agree about flowers, they work wonders for my soul.

Dozens of people here are sending you their love and appreciation. But sometimes those virtual hugs fail to make me feel even one tiny bit better. I hope you are getting plenty of hugs in the flesh today too.

OK, you asked for something nice so here's mine: today both adults in my house took a turn climbing into the crib with the baby in an effort to get him to nap there. My husband is 6 ft tall, and he somehow managed to fall asleep in there, with our 9 month old. I was at work - sadly - so there are no photos. We amaze ourselves daily with the crazy things we'll do now that we're parents! What a surprising adventure!

So glad we found you. Hope the sun shines warmly on your tomorrow.

[the milliner]

Moxie, you amaze me with all that you do with this blog. On your own. In your 'free' time. I couldn't do it, but I'm SO glad you do. Hang in there. I'm sending virtual dark chocolate truffles, from my neighbourhood artisan chocolaterie, your way.

My good thing? Today it was confirmed that DH's platelet and hemoglobin blood levels are back to normal after a 1/10000 chance reaction to the H1N1 vaccine (he has an underlying condition, so the docs aren't even in agreement that this is what caused the plummeting levels - which could have resulted in a fatal hemorrhage. Gulp.).

So good to have this news after a very stressful week last week where I was stuck hundreds of miles away from home on a business trip while DH navigated the waters of 2 blood transfusions alone.

I am so thankful for generous friends & neighbours. I think this is the thing that finally kicks my ass in gear to get the total emergency plan in place.

[Kate]

Just sending you lots of love

[kelly]

Nice thing: crunchy fall leaves underfoot.

[mlr]

Moxie: I have never posted here before, although I've thought of doing so a 1000 times. I sound like a broken record after reading everyone else's posts - but really, truly, you saved my sanity when my little bear was NOT SLEEPING and NURSING CONSTANTLY. I would sold her on ebay had it not been for your wisdom/humor/advice those first 9 months. I can't let YOU be sad; so I'm losing my Ask-Moxie-virginity here ;).

Even when it feels hopeless, remember that it often felt hopeless to many of us--- and that you pulled us through it by telling us "whatever means necessary." Now allow yourself the same.

Something nice: little bear walked today! right into my arms! :)

[Tracy]

I hate to cry. It just makes me snotty and my face swells. When I'm sad and just want to wallow in it, I put on the soundtrack to Les Miserables and sing LOUD. Helps every time.

Nice: We're going to my in-laws for Thanksgiving weekend. And I am lucky to have Great in-laws.

[Alicia]

Today, after her nap, my almost three year old daughter said "Mama, I'm happy you're in my family". I'm going to try to hold on to that for a while, because there are so many times when I feel like I can't do anything right as a mother.

I found this blog because I'm dealing with sleep (and other colic-type) issues with my 4 month old. It has saved my sanity!

[girdtmom]

Moxie, I have never commented or written with a question, but I am here reading every day. Just knowing that you and this community are here with thoughtful, non-judgmental advice gives me greater confidence as a parent.

Nice: Yesterday my 5 year old DD slipped her hand into mine just to walk to the kitchen.

[Barb @ getupandplay]

Hugs to you!

Something nice:
My parents are coming (from the Middle East) for a visit in four days! I don't get to see them often and I am so excited.

[Cloud]

I forgot to say thank you for this site, without which I never would have found other mothers with children like my first one- everyone I know in real life has kids who slept through the night from relatively early ages. It helped so much to find out that I wasn't alone and that I wasn't doing anything wrong.

And I forgot to say my nice thing: my two year old frequently tells us what will happen when we get little. She will drive us around and change our diapers and we will get to ride in the cart at the supermarket. I love this.

[Anne L.]

Ummm... your posts on sleep (and lack of) and infants, and the comments that followed, helped me push through some verrry dark times. THANK YOU.

[Amie]

I told a friend of mine a few months back that her approach to parenting reminded me of yours...she was thrilled beyond measure.

[Shush]

I'm so sorry that you're having a hard time (and not allowed to talk it out here).
I have a five week old son and your posts about PPD have been keeping the two of us above water. I couldn't possibly be more grateful.

[ASMO]

A while ago I wrote to you to ask about advice about my bedtime-reticent daughter. You told lots of wise things and my nice thing to tell now is that it's WAY better at bedtime and she now sleeps through most nights (who wouldn't at the prospect of Nutella reward next morning - bribery works!). Yet another huge difference you have made to someone else's life. If only we could all make a small difference in yours, which would add up to a GINORMOUS difference to your sadness and situation. Your post made me think that maybe we should all sometimes phrase our issues in just that way 'Can't tell you the details, just that I am sad and need support'. Then we might get exactly what we need, support, instead of not-asked-for advice. I confess that I sometimes preface calls to my mum with 'I need to be pitied right now, please indulge me'.

[SJ]

On the third birthday of "Ask Moxie," you posted the following note. I've kept it and I read it whenever I'm having a rough day (week? month?) It's been a life-saver for me:

"You are doing a really good job. Both at parenting, and at being who you're supposed to be. Even if you don't feel like much right now, that's just the externals: sleep deprivation, drudgery, survival, making decisions you never thought you'd have to make. If now feels like a super-crappy time, it's probably because you didn't notice yourself spinning the chrysalis. You're inside now, working on stuff, and soon you'll come out and stretch your wings."

[paola]

It has all been said: I can't possibly add anthing else.But...

....I hope you are feeling a bit better today MO.

Something nice? My 34.5 month old ( so 3 in 6 weeks) finally likes cuddling up with someone other than me!

[meggiemoo]

May the road rise to meet you,

May the wind be always at your back,

May the sun shine warm upon your face and the rain fall softly on your fields.

And until we meet again, May God hold you in the palm of his hand.

---------------

How you've made a difference: I have a clear image of myself after my son was born, desperately searching the internet in the wee hours of the night for any hope that he wasn't damaged, that I wasn't a horrible mother, that we would make it through another night. And I found this site. It quite literally kept me from the abyss.

Something nice: 3-1/2 years later, that same child falls asleep, in his own bed, within 5 minutes, stays asleep most nights ALL NIGHT and now is completely potty trained. All miracles!

[Wilhelmina]

Nice first. May 22 month old daughter had a huge, huge tantrum in the busy post office.I tried lots of things and felt really helpless. Got a lot of the worst mother ever looks too.

The sweet 92 year old lady who lives in our street was there to get her state pension and sat down on the floor with my toddler and eased her out of the tantrum. Truly the nicest thing.

On the other, Moxie, I too hope that there is support in your real life for this bad situation. And that it resolves better than it began.

You literally changed my parenting life and my mothering every day this year with your insight and compassion. That's something that I am truly thankful for. Hang in there.

[Karen]

I haven't read the other comments yet, so I'm sure others have responded, but since I'm an English teacher (well, formerly at least) I'll be happy to give you a simple definition of irony...it's when something is strikingly contrary to expectations. The reason rain on your wedding day isn't irony is because rain is a normal occurrence and even though it stinks to have it spoil your ceremony, it's not really unexpected. The only thing ironic in Alanis's song is the idea of crashing on your very first flight. That is pretty ironic. Anyhow, sorry you are going through a rough time and I hope that it all resolves soon and to your benefit.

[MrsHaley]

You know, Mox, it occurs to me that with all of us parents thanking you for the ways you've compassionately and wisely helped us to improve our parenting and our SELVES ... there is going to be a not-inconsequential slice of the upcoming generation who will be, in no small way, improved and empowered by the parenting you've helped us to do. They're becoming citizens of the world who will be better, wiser, gentler, more authentic, more true, more of their own amazing selves because YOU helped US guide them there.

And Moxie, who KNOWS what wonders our children will do?!? Their potential is utterly boundless. YOU are helping US unleash it! It is not too much to say the world will be a far, far better place because of OUR children -- THANK YOU!

[Monica]

I have an 8.5-month-old son and I started coming to your blog when he was about 2 months old. I like to tell people on a regular basis that they don't have a say unless they're willing to do a shift at 3 a.m. :) You have a great sense of humor, flair for capturing detail in your writing, too! Hugs for you! Seriously, I need you so hang in there!!!!

My joy: My son is having a TERRIBLE time with teething, esp. at night. (I believe we have the 9-month sleep regression on our hands folks.) Anyway, last night he was FRANTIC for comfort, and I was that comfort. He was screaming in his crib inconsolably and when I picked him up he grabbed on and held on for dear life... until I rocked him to sleep. I am constantly amazed that I can bring another human comfort just by being there in the middle of the night and he feels safe enough to fall asleep in my arms.

[Slim]

Our Thanksgiving has been complicated by someone's medical needs, and thanks to this place, I know (I think) how to be as helpful as possible.

Also, medical needs are short-term and will resolve happily.

[Meghan]

@ Mrs. Haley... What a beautiful idea! I love the thought of all that potential for good. :D

[B.Mare]

Here's something which I hope will help.

Back in April 2008, I was teetering on the brink of a messy and unwanted break-up of an eight year relationship (leaving me as a terrified single parent to our nine month old baby). All I wanted to do was clap my hands over my ears and shout LALALALA, in denial, because it all seemed too awful to contemplate.

And then I logged on to your site and saw your post in which you wrote:

"If you've ever wondered if there's a God out there who cares about you at all, there is. And he'll rush in to help you and give you everything you need. But sometimes you have to stop pretending and just give up on your own pride before he can get into that little space and crack you open. And then everything starts to get good."

I don't necessarily believe in God, but I believe in Moxie. Reading your words that day sparked something of an epiphany. It planted the first tiny seed of faith that if I stopped fighting so hard to save a doomed relationship that was slowly but surely sapping every ounce of self love and worth I had, things still might just end up being OK, for both me and my daughter. Or even better than OK.

Fast forward and here I am, some time later, happily remarried to a good, kind man and in a vastly better place in so many ways. And I honestly believe that you helped change my life with that post. Thank you, Moxie.

[Beth]

Like everyone else, I hope things start looking up soon and that you have some real life support to help you along until they do.
I don't know what I would have been like as a parent if I hadn't found this site. I'm definitely a better parent for having read your wise thoughts over the last couple of years. I KNOW I would have been stressed out about baby sleep if I hadn't found you. Thank you!

Nice thing: It was my birthday today and my 2.5 year old broke into his version of "Happy Birthday" multiple times today and gave me lots of lovely spontaneous hugs.

[Mari]

You keep me sane and happy.

I hope you get what you need and deserve, and soon.

[Cat]

M, I am in awe of how many lives you've touched with your grace, wit and sagacity. You have, beyond the shadow of a doubt, saved lives. You are not alone - you have an army of friends behind you.
Sending love, gratitude and wishes for brighter days your way, dear Magda.

[Susan]

Sorry you're having a rough patch--and although you can't blog it, I hope the thought of many, many, many readers sitting out here and wishing you well is some sort of comfort. Your presence here in blogland has helped so many of us know that whatever is going wrong, we're not alone, and there's a way through. I hope you find your way through soon.

[the milliner]

@MrsHaley: That is an AWESOME realisation. Wow.

[Anna]

For a true laugh-out-loud moment, check out the Santa Tantrum Awards at the San Francisco Chronicle's parenting blog. I found these last year and I'm so happy to see them again.

My favorites: 2008 = "Progression of Terror"; 2007 = "Show the Fat Man Who's Boss."

http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/blogs/parenting/detail?blogid=29&entry_id=52205#readmore

[Julia]

Moxie - you absolutely rock! Your blog, your honesty and wisdom have been a light in many-a-dark day for me, and I'm so grateful for that. I hope _your_ dark days are over soon. In the meantime, we all are here for you. Truly!