I am having a bad time

And I wish I could post about it and ask for advice. But I'm legally not allowed to. Which almost makes me want to laugh, but not really.

Anyway, here's some irony*: Now that I'm emotionally healthy enough to allow myself to cry about it instead of just holding it all in like a Good Girl, I've discovered that I'm a Tension Increaser, and crying doesn't make me feel any better.

Somebody say something nice. Here's something: I work with some really smart and kind people, who make me laugh all day long.

Now you go.

* Maybe. I'm not sure I even know what irony is anymore. Rain on my wedding day isn't, but what is? If I feel like saying "Man bites dog!" after I tell the story, does that make it irony?

Comments

[Cobblestone]

Someone else is cooking the turkey and then I get to leave early to pick my best friend up at the airport.

HAPPY Thanksgiving.

[Alchemilla]

Moxie,

You reached out to me many years ago by replying to an anguished comment I left on another blog - your usual brand of insightful, caring and practical advice - and I have been an admiring reader ever since. I am so sorry that things are rough for you right now - here's someone in Scotland sending you very warm wishes to find the right path through your current predicament.

With much affection.

[SarcastiCarrie]

I have much to be thankful this year.

Some might say that having a child quite ill is bad luck.

But the less-sarcastic version of me realizes that we caught it about 12 hours before it was too late, and Bobo recovered fully.

And that is good luck. Serindipitous good luck, even.

...
Irony: I was on pelvic rest while pregnant with Bobo and I have never in my life wanted, ahem, something as much as I did then. The ironic part...once he was born and the pelvic rest was over, I had no libido. At all. Double irony.

[shannonkg]

Moxie,

Thank you for being there in the middle of the night, when my son was so small and I was learning to nurse and thank you now for being here still, despite all of your own stuff helping so many moms. My son is now six and a week does not go by where I don't check in here for some bit of humor advice fellowship. I spread the word to anxious looking moms in the bookstores and Target. Ask Moxie! You've helped me through so much in these last six years. There are many mothers out there whose hearts you will be in this Thanksgiving.

[megan]

Moxie, you were the sane only voice I found online telling me that my babys *specific* sleep problems were normal and even anticipated. You made me feel like I was competent for the first time.

Also, you have pretty eyes.

[AmyinMotown]

I'm so sorry. Nice: Well, uh, the pile of expensive Suck we're under is so far less expensive than it could be. Still more money than we actually HAVE, but less than we feared. So far.

A four day weekend is coming soon and very soon.

Maggie is learning O Come All Ye Faithful for the school Christmas concert, which she sings CONSTANTLY, and attempts the Latin although she sings it like this:"(nonsense syllable nonsense syllable nonsense syllable) INFANTE!!! Venete nonsense nonsense DOOOOOMINUS!!!" She is so serious about it I have to bite my lip to keep from letting loose the giggles, and the seriousness just makes it cuter and funnier. As does the fact she has inherited my singing voice, poor thing.

You have lots of smart, strong, tough people who have your back, in this situation as well as so many others.

It's Candletime!! And here's an Ask Moxie question: how do you keep cats and kids away from the candles? Two of my three cats are not very bright and the older dimwit has singed his whiskers before. And my not remotely dimwitted daughter has scaled shelves to get to a reed diffuser, I don't know what havoc she'd wreak with candles, while my son is into everything like a good little 21-month-old. I want to practice Candletime too!

When crying doesn't make me feel better, movement usually does. Yoga? Dance? Something?

I hope everything looks up soon. You've had an epic year and deserve some nice smooth happy times soon.

[pennifer]

LOL, about being a tension increaser. And {{{Magda}}}

I am thankful for so much in my life: wonderful 2yo boy, hubby, home, horse, friends, and YOU, Magda, and this wonderful community you have built here.

I get confused about irony now too. I think it's ironic that while I am VERY sensitive to and irritated by noise, my son LOVES noise, the louder, longer, more obnoxious the better, and has since he was a wee wee thing.

[SarcastiCarrie]

AmyinMotown: Have you seen the new LED "candles"? No singed whiskers there. I don't have any, but I've heard decent reviews from other people.

[mom2boys]

A friend who is a police officer went on vacation, was in a near fatal car accident and is now in a medically induced coma with a banged up liver and a stint in her brain. My problems are small.

Nice - My ex step-father whom I haven't spoken to in years has taken in my wayward younger sister (his bio daughter) after she burned all her bridges elsewhere. I talked to her this morning and she said he has like a thousand pictures of me and her and my brother as we were all growing up all saved in photo albums and boxes.

[Judy B]

My favorite song at the moment is "Home" by Edward Sharpe and the Magnificent Zeros. It's got an infections melody and great lyrics. Listen and feel better.

"Ahh Home.
Let me come home.
Home is wherever I'm with you.
Ahh Home.
Let me go home.
Home is when I'm alone with you."

[Julie]

Moxie, I'm so sorry you're in a place of struggle and hurt. Wishing you some light at the end of this tunnel.

[maria]

Oh honey, I'm so sorry. I'm in a similar boat – also having a bad time and can't talk about the details online or IRL with most people other than my therapist, and of course she's not available this week. If you want to email, even just about the frustration of the situation without giving the details, I'm here.

Nice: my daughter is going to be in the Nutcracker and she is so happy and excited and adorable about it all that I could just eat her up! It is a joy to behold.

[DC Ranger]

Moxie,
So sorry you are going through a rough time. Remember that you have lots of people in the world who care about you and want you to be happy. I, for one, wouldn't have made it through the last 3 years without the benefit of your sane and caring advice. Maybe I'll burn my copy of "The Baby Whisperer" in your honor! (i.e., the book that several friends loved but was a disaster for me and my super-spirited kid).

Here's my nice thing that I'm thankful for: all my good friends and a couple of dear coworkers who are helping me get through a bad divorce situation. Even though a lot of family has deserted me, my friends have been there through thick and thin. I'm lucky to have them.

[enu]

Pretty sure I've shared my favorite pair of quotes for getting through hard times, but they bear repeating:
"It's important to find pleasure even in these difficult times; especially in these difficult times"
- George A. Kaufman

"The Czar always said to me 'Olga, don't be stingy with the blintzes"'
- George S. Kaufman and Moss Hart,
"You Can't Take it With You"

Hugs and all goof thoughts for a kinder, gentler, simpler future.

[tangledeutopia]

Well, I can't say thank you for being there for me in the middle of the night and I can't say thank you for your insightfulness from years ago. But this is what I can say thank you for: Thanks for being out there in the big ol' blogosphere and reiterating just how alike we all are. We are women with real dilemma's, we are mom's that love our babies even when they puke on us, and we are people that have this strange bond because of our ability to write and share it with the world. And for that, even our times of pain have the ability to help someone else! So even if you are having a rough time, just know there's a woman out there that you have helped today!

[Amy M]

Every time I'm struggling with sleep issues, I read your posts. And every time on of my mom friends is struggling with sleep issues, I send them to your posts.

They make me feel better every.single.time. Even in a sleep deprived haze.

Lots of hugs and I hope things improve for you VERY soon.

Whenever crying about the problems in my life makes me feel worse, I put in a DVD of my favorite movie that makes me cry both happy and sad tears - Sense & Sensibility with Emma Thompson. It releases some of the emotion without making me relive my problems over and over. If you've got 90 minutes to yourself (ha!) it's worth a try with the movie of your choice.

[parisienne mais presque]

A Tension Increaser! Once again, Moxie's got it right. I'm a tension increaser too, but I never thought about it that way. When I start crying about something, if I let it go very long, it simply makes me feel worse. I'm trying to learn "snap out of it" techniques that still respect the hurt.

Something good: yesterday we went for a 12 kilometer hike as a family, approximately 3 kilometers of which my 2.5 year old insisted on walking (running, really) on his own instead of riding in the Ergo. As I watched him run down a hill shouting with joy, then try and "push Maman" up the other side, I thought _this_ is what it's all about.

And he didn't even fall asleep in the car on the way back, even though it was well past nap time. I'm starting to appreciate my little guy's endless energy and sometimes sleeplessness!

[Alexandra]

Thanks for all you do, Moxie and for sharing your frustrations too. One small bit that comforts me . . . whenever I have a terrible, awful, no-good day, it always seems the next day is always a tiny bit better, as if to balance out some universal pain.

[Maria C.]

I feel ya. I hit rock bottom, and told my doctor, I cannot go on like this. So I know about rough patches. My mantra became "I'm doing the best that I can" and "Just getting through today." (Sometimes I changed that to getting through the next 15 minutes. One chunk of 15 minutes at a time . . . ) and two more things really helped me just get through the moments: a little exercise, like, walking around the block, doing a flight of stairs, whatever, and laughing. And there are a few websites for me that consistently make me laugh out loud: 1. I can has cheezeburger, 2. Best of craigslist (best for those with a very liberal and somewhat bawdy sense of humor, generally), and 3. Go Fug Yourself. Lastly, Pema Chodron's Fear of Uncertainty on my ipod. I have some other buddhist books and audiobooks, but this really helped me in terms of my overall approach to rough spots. I didn't follow your specific directions, to post something good, except this: I feel like I have hit rock bottom, been to that place where getting out of bed seemed too monumental a task, where being seemed utterly purposeless, and I fumbled my way back out to the light.

[Diane D]

I'll just say....

I think your blog is great.
I think you're really nice.
I think your wisdom helps a lot of people, even if it doesn't always feel like wisdom to you.
I wish I could make you feel better.
I appreciate so much how much time, effort, and love you have put into this blog and to making it a welcoming haven for moms all over the world.

You do a great job.

[Jackie]

My son is not a sleeper, and he's a tension increaser, and when I was in the throes of the 4 mo sleep regression last spring which was making what was already so freaking hard, SO MUCH FREAKING HARDER... reading you kept me in touch with sane. I certainly wasn't sane, but you know, it kept me knowing that sane was out there and that we were going to be fine.

I'm sorry to hear that you are going through suckitude, but I hope that knowing how much you've helped others will help mitigate it, at least slightly.

Hang in there.

[jaxnmax]

Moxie (Magda) you have always been there for all of us confused parents, and provided so much clear, common sense that I could find nowhere else. Why did this man treat you so badly? He is missing out on a wonderful lady and kids. Screw him, ass. I don't know how you find the strength to do what you do, honestly. But I totally admire it. We all love you, Moxie. Just remember that. And have a great holiday. We love you!!!

[z]

Hugs. Sorry you can't vent to us OL but I hope you have RL people to whom you can vent.

Thanks for being here for us though. You know we're all there for you in spirit.

[Erin]

Ok, I can summon up some good things this week, I know I can. Here goes:

my son has dealt with his abrupt weaning better than I expected.

the antibiotics are working.

I (14 wks pregnant) finally got my hands on the H1N1 vaccine.

I know I can get through this day.

[kelli]

Nice: We're over the flu. At least the barfing part! There's nothing like waking up in the middle of the night to change three beds and put three kids back to sleep, then sneak around eating food the next day because you don't want any smells to set them off again. But! We're past it! And everyone's back to school for the 2 days this week.

Best to you, Moxie. Hope things get better.

[Amy]

What gets me thru the tough times is remembering that the only true constant in life is change. If it's raining now, it will eventually stop and the sun will shine. If it's hot today, someday in the future it will be cold, maybe not for months but the universe eventually balances itself out like a giant teeter-totter. Sometimes you bang into the ground when you get to the bottom and it isn't pleasant, but if you hang on you'll rise again. And if there were no up and down, you'd be stuck in the middle. And that's so boring you'd only want to get off.

I always remind myself that low lows are surely balanced by some really great high, it just might be at different point in life.

Moxie you have helped so many people. I gave your web URL to a new mom ages ago, she hasn't asked for advice since. There's a wealth of information here that so many could not do without.

Hope things turn around for you soon!

[caramama]

Moxie,

I could never express to you just how much you have helped me in the over 2 years I've been reading your blog. Your ideas and help have been indispensible for getting me through the years. It was because of you that I realized I was suffering from PPD 2 winters ago, and got the help I needed. It was because of you that I learned about the sleep regressions, which my daughter went through so badly. And it's because of this community that you built that I've found other understanding parents going through similar issues. Thank you so much. I hope that you make it through this rough time as easily as possible.

Nice: I LOVE being a mom of two! It's hard as all get out, but I'm enjoying almost everything about it. Even the hard times, even the meltdowns. (But not so much on sleeping less than 2 hours in a row for months straight.)

And here is a quote that I always think of when things are rough. It's from a sci-fi show called Babylon 5 and said by a really neat character named Marcus:
"I used to think that it was awful that life was so unfair. Then I thought, wouldn't it be much worse if life were fair, and all the terrible things that happen to us come because we actually deserve them? So, now I take great comfort in the general hostility and unfairness of the universe"

[amom]

Moxie, I have read every single one of your posts forwards, backwards, and occasionally upside down. I like to find the the post that fits my current situation, and read it several times a day until it no longer applies.

Today I came here because I am newly pregnant with #2 and am feeling so overwhelmed with anxiety. What have I done? But I know I'll find a post in the archives that will make me feel better and get me through this phase. Thank you Moxie.

[zimbabweanjen]

feel better soon Moxie. thinking of you. lie back and take some chocolate. and then some more. xx

[Rudyinparis]

Awwwww, Moxie. Hate to hear you sounding bummed out. "If I feel like saying "Man bites dog!" after I tell the story, does that make it irony?".... this is so utterly tantalizing! Whatever could it mean? FWIW, the mental images created by that sentence have kind of made my day. So there's something. I'm going to take a very deliberate moment on Thanksgiving to think of you and be thankful for you and for this whole community. Cheers to all.

[Cathy]

I'm sorry that you're having a rough time - I wish we could help more. Hopefully, you have a good circle of IRL friends for advice, etc. Also, I'm sort of wondering if maybe, instead of being a tension increaser, you might just have a whole lot of tension to get rid of - it seems like it would be hard to find a good time to have a "good cry", and there might be a lot stored up. (maybe you could work it in on that long commute? :^P). Or stretching/exercise/massage might help.

Nice:
An Affair to Remember was on TV Friday night and I managed to catch it right at the beginning and I stayed up for the whole thing. The boys were camping, otherwise I'd never have seen it.

Also nice: baby chortles. Even at almost 2, El can still make them sometimes.

[Kelly]

Moxie, I've been a reader since my daughter was born four years ago. You helped me with a personal question I posted which insured me that I wasn't insane. You've helped me with a gazillion questions that I found in your archives.

I hope that things get easier for you ... in fact, I know they will because in my experience, "things" always get better. In the meantime, take your own advice and do some T-Tapp (something else I found through you) and give the boys a squeeze.

[Cathy]

oh, also nice: 2 year old's knock knock jokes.

El: Knock knock
me: Who's there?
El: Dad.

Then she looks perplexed when I ask, "Dad who?"

[ACJ]

Since you can't talk about your own situation, maybe you could tell us about a friend's situation which is clearly so different, but similar enough that as we respond, it would be hilariously comforting?? Certainly, I've only ever posted about my friend's husband who sometimes isn't ideal, and her children who have sleep and eating problems. Like right now, her 2 year old is probably not consuming enough calories to keep a goldfish going. I feel so badly for her because of course my own children eat balanced meals that they prepare themselves using organic ingredients we grow together in our completely-paid-for backyard.

Poor woman - perhaps you have some advice for her?

[sueinithaca]

Nice: you kicked me out of my bad attitude yesterday with just ONE snarky comment. That is some serious talent.

I haven't thrown up on my husband in bed in like 3 or 4 days. (not "in bed" in bed. like serious coughing fit at 3 am that ends in puking when you can't catch your breath in bed). My daughter got booted out of OT services by the school today for being too normal. The best part: I agree.

[Miche]

I hope things get better for you soon.

Grateful for all the wonderful things you do!

[blue]

@Amy M, I have been watching Sense and Sensibility on my worst days for ages. Usually when I'm sick or really sad.

Moxie, I'm relatively new here, but I feel like your friend. When I'm confused and can't find the words to explain it, I read something you've probably written quickly in your hectic, busy life, and I think, "How does she know just what to say?" So, thanks for being there and for creating a following of such cool people.

Nice: We are finally over the flu and my kids are back to sleeping at night. I woke up yesterday morning to the sound of my 5 year old reading to my 1 year old in their bedroom together. So much to be thankful for!!!!

[Charisse]

Oh Moxie I was about to post the Litany Against Fear from Dune and caramama went and out-nerded me with Babylon 5. (Caramama, why do you not live on my coast so we can geek out in person sometime, huh?) :)

Moxie, I am so sorry you're having awful things. Know that no matter what, you are a beacon of light to thousands. And we might not all be as bright as you, but we all shine back a little bit in our way. All, all, all these little lights out here--we're not going to let the darkness close in on you.

NICE: I always find reading something really un-realistic, like science fiction or P.G. Wodehouse, to be helpful. Also, flowers are nice. Pick up a bunch, stick them in a vase. They help.

[Megan]

I am a tension increaser too. Here is my coping mechanism: When caught in a loop of feeling bad, freaking out, and then feeling worse, I resolutely put on some happy, fun music.

Then I feel really irritated by said music impinging on my mood, but stick with it. I eventually start to sing along. After 20-30 minutes, I am suddenly much less out of control.

Of course it's not an actual solution, but can be a help in the moment. My music of choice for this is historically the B-52s.

Oh and something nice: To echo other commenters, I can't count the times you have brought me back to reality when I was sure no baby in history had ever cried so much, slept so badly, nursed so awkwardly, etc. I have read some of your posts (about sleep, it's always about sleep) out loud to my husband, who says he doesn't want to hear internet advice but then is nodding and saying, "Wow, I feel better," by the time I finish. So thank you.

[sfsaf]

Was feeling blue the other day and remembered reading an article about doing something for others when you're feeling down: I brought a bag of books to my friends' kid with H1N1; brought a bag of groceries and flowers to the friends who have been sick -- the whole family -- for two weeks; and am bringing my niece who has a crappy home life to spend Thanksgiving with us and she's supercool and thinks I'm supercool...so that is a win-win!! All of these things have come back to me ten-fold...

Reading all these posts about all that you bring to others, Moxie, should have about the same effect.

Nice: My son learned to say "clock" the other day. But he says it without the "l"...so now my husband is trying to get him to say what a "big clock" he has! Yep...we like that kind of humor.

[Shandra]

Moxie/Magda, I hope you know that you have been visionary in creating and maintaining this community and that willingness to try things, and keep your eye on the goal combined will probably help you out of your dark time.

I also think you should post a fictional related dilemma. :) Or create an email list where we can help, but that's not so public!

[mom2boys]

Sleep talk on this site - invaluable!

You know what else I've gotten from this site - the ability to believe in myself as a parent. I'm surrounded by "old school" thinkers when it comes to spanking. I am firmly in the no spanking camp. Just my own personal, gut level belief. One of the tricks I pull when I'm feeling overwhelmed by people who are sure the tantrums would stop with a "swift smack of the butt" is to repeat over and over and over that "I am the best parent for my child". I learned that here.
Thank you Moxie for bringing this community together.
I am very sorry you are struggling and wish you strength and resolve and a turn of good fortune but please also know that what you have given is appreciated by so many for so many reasons.

[Suzie Q]

Oh, Moxie... I'm so sorry you're feeling bad, but things will get better. Granted, I know nothing about anything that's causing you pain... but I have faith -- like, FAITH -- and sometimes that simple belief just has to be enough.

As for something nice... I've got a new friend! Now, this is a very big deal, because pretty much everyone of import in my life is a) a family member, b) a school friend from long ago, or c) either a or b from my husband's side. AND I'm an introvert. :) The idea that I've found someone who I can call to say, "hey, let's grab a coffee," or even, "hey, let's take the girls to the park," makes me want to dance a little jig. Mommy made a friend! For me, that's nice.

[Eveanyn]

Moxie,

You keep me sane in an insane world. Life gets better. You'll see.

Have you ever seen "The World According to Garp"? If not, I suggest you rent it (or buy it, it's THAT good). It is an 80's film with Robin Williams, Glenn Close and John Lithgow.

FABULOUS film. It always makes me feel better.

http://www.amazon.com/World-According-Garp-Robin-Williams/dp/B000056WRE

"Garp bit Bonkie"

[Tzipporah]

Nice: It's been sunny for 3 days in a row. In Oregon. In November. !!

When I'm very upset and there's not much to do about it, distraction works. Take a look through the archives at Diary of the Food Whore http://thefoodwhore.com/WP/ for some laughs. :)

[Jana]

I'm one of those who found you in the middle of a dark, dark night. You urged me (not me specifically, but all of us prone to PPD) to take my flaxseed oil and to give myself a break. I've counted you among my friends ever since.

If there is any possible way, give yourself a break. You will find your way through this, and if there's anything that a working mom in a podunk town in East Texas can do to help you, then just say the word. For the number of times you have helped me traverse my own dark spots, I owe you plenty.

[Meghan]

Sometimes I think that what we need even more than advice is to know we are not alone, we are not the only ones who don't get enough sleep, have enough patience, our children are not the only ones crying and having tantrums. Usually, knowing that other moms feel my pain is enough to make me feel better. I've only been reading for a few months, but I'm addicted, and I get that here. So thank you for taking the time to create this little world! I hope things get easier for you quickly!

Now, for the nice bit... My husband and I actually got to go on a date this weekend! I got to go "shopping" last week in my niece's wardrobe for tons of stuff for my daughter (yay freebies!), and we have a 5 day weekend coming up. Hurray!

[attiton]

"Something nice!"

[hush]

Moxie, nobody does it better than you. And I really admire your restraint. Of course the curiosity is killing me, but as they say, discretion is the better part of valor. Good for you for respecting those tedious legal boundaries that you know you gotta respect.

Nice: a mom acquaintance I know admitted she has a yelling issue with her 27 month old son. Her candor made me think she's actually an awesome mom, and that we could really be friends.

Irony? I always think of the movie "Reality Bites" where Winona Ryder's character is asked to give the definition of irony and can't for the life of her come up with it. And that Alanis Morrissette song (sorry not a fan y'all) "Isn't it Ironic?" Um, no, it's not "like 10,000 spoons when all you need is a knife." But don't ask me for a definition. :)

[Jill]

Find a way to get some sunshine on your face. It's a necessity this time of year.