This morning there was a knife fight on the subway my 4 1/2-year-old and I were on. We'd dropped his big brother off at school and we on our way to his school, and two teenagers got on fighting with umbrellas. I tried to break it up, then noticed the knife and grabbed my son and ran. I'm so proud of how my little boy walked between the cars with the track rushing by underneath him, and pulled the other boy on the train behind him to make sure he was safe, too.
Friends are giving me lots of nice warm fuzzies about how brave I was, but I honestly didn't think. I just grabbed him. I think most of us would've done the same thing, too.
So let's talk about things you've done for your kids that took extra strength or bravery. Despite today's knife fight, I still say the thing I've done for my kids that took the most strength (and still does) is help them through living with divorced parents.
What have you done for your kids that you're not sure you'd have been able to do if not for them? What are you doing every day?
I haven't done anything super brave or amazing yet, but I run through scenarios of how to escape a burning building with two kids and how to float on my back while keeping both their heads above water (and practiced in the pool) just in case I ever need it.
I've done the run-of-the-mill mommy stuff before though (letting them puke on me when they're sick, holding them when they're hot, cushioning bruised egos and knees, etc).
Posted by: SarcastiCarrie | October 27, 2009 at 11:41 AM
- birthing both of my kids without drugs
- extended nursing
- jumping in after my son when he fell of our sailboat (with a lifejacket on, thank god)
- grabbing his arm at the last second as he slipped going down my in-law's treacherous spiral staircase, preventing a nasty fall
I think just being a good parent these days requires bravery!
Posted by: meggiemoo | October 27, 2009 at 11:52 AM
Well to date, and I'm not sure if it counts as brave but its sure taking extra strength... is my night time parenting. I haven't had more than 3 hours of sleep in a row since my current 13 month old was 4 months old. We're still nursing and sending in dad hasn't worked out so well. He is getting some molar in and its really challenging to be patient, kind and meet his needs in the middle of the night. But I am and have been and I believe for my high needs child I'm doing what is best for him right now at the sacrifice of my needs. I'm sure it won't be the last time but right now with how tired I am, I'm feeling pretty good about how I'm handling it all and proud that my little boy is thriving so well.
BTW, way to go Moxie. That must have been really scary.
Posted by: elizabeth | October 27, 2009 at 11:52 AM
I used to do some work in the neighborhoods of S Central LA, and my boss once told me "Discretion is the better part of valor" - sounds like what you did this morning Moxie was using your discretion. You can't prevent people from being idiots, especially when there is rage (and testosterone) in the mix.
Along that vein, maybe the bravest thing I've done for my child is confronted my rage and learn to check it.
Also, I tell off owners of dogs that are running off-leash and run up to my stroller. OK, so I'm still working on the rage part.
Posted by: CaliBoo | October 27, 2009 at 12:09 PM
When our son was 12 months old, we found out he had an atrial septal defect. 5 months later we handed him over to the pediatric cardiothoracic surgical team so they could stop his heart, fix the hole, and give him back to us.
Here's an excerpt of what I wrote about it a year later:
"We had just handed our baby off to a complete stranger so they could do unthinkable things to him. And yet we did it because we had to. This is what being a parent means -- you take into your charge this helpless little thing, and turn it into a human being. That's your job. Sometimes that means you make decisions for that other person that you'd have a very hard time making for yourself. It doesn't matter how much you'd rather it be you than them going into that operating room. You can't go through it for them. No, you have to make the choice to put them through it. And that's not an easy call to make, even when the reality is pretty clear cut."
The above excerpt is from http://entropicprincipal.blogspot.com/2008/06/abraham-part-5-knifes-edge.html ; The entire story starts here: http://entropicprincipal.blogspot.com/2008/06/abraham-preface.html
Posted by: allen | October 27, 2009 at 12:10 PM
So glad you are all okay!
Posted by: liz | October 27, 2009 at 12:21 PM
I'm so glad to hear you're okay!
As it turned out, the situation was fine, but a few weeks ago, my husband and I were cleaning up the kitchen after guests had left late one night and we smelled smoke at the exact same time the smoke detector went off. We both ran into the kids' room, each grabbed a kid, and ran out the door. Once we were in the courtyard of the building, we found out that a neighbor had burned something cooking, sending smoke alarms off. We spent the night being grateful there wasn't an actual fire, and it wasn't until the next morning that I noticed that we had run out of the door without thought to anything but the kids. We had passed literally inches from both of our computers, my purse, multiple family heirlooms, etc.
The whole situation just made me realize how much your priorities change once you have kids. All those thing you run through grabbing in your mind when you think about a potential emergency no longer matter one bit.
Posted by: Joceline | October 27, 2009 at 12:29 PM
Glad you're OK. Scary stuff.
This summer, we were on a weird little pedal boat at a rental cottage. I was on the back with my then 7 year old daughter, my husband up front with our 5 year old son. And looking at photos, the boat was off balance before we got on, but we didn't really notice until we got to the middle of the pond. And we flipped over. I grabbed my daughter life jacket as we went down. And held on so hard I sprained my hand. We were in about 15 ft of mucky, weedy water. And my husband fell to the side and my 5 year old was stuck under the boat. It felt likes minutes, but it was ~30 seconds until my husband reached under, found him, and pulled him out. I was in total adrenaline mode - I was convinced I could swim the 40 ft back to shore with my 7 year old on my back - and she swims better than I do in real life. I started screaming 'Where's Henry!' when my husband appeared above water without our son. I screamed loud enough to rouse a neighbor out on his pontoon to help us. Once we had both kids on top of the flipped boat, I was convinced we needed no help. I could push it shore myself.
The neighbor helped us. We made it to shore. My son proved he could hold his a breath for 30 seconds, a sticking point in his advancement in swimming lessons. We were fine. And so freaked out. And so so lucky.
Instinct, adrenaline, hormones - powerful stuff.
Posted by: Sarah | October 27, 2009 at 12:43 PM
...and here i am dreading having to take my 2 1/2 year old in for routing bloodwork. Scary! I have had a similiar scene on the subway, a gang of rowdy "youths" with a broken jagged mop handle came on. I wasn't able to get by them , so I sat very quietly and made intense eye contact with my child, who seemed to telepathicaly know that he too should remain subdued, as soon as the train stopped, I switched cars.
Posted by: Jan | October 27, 2009 at 12:46 PM
Wow, Moxie! That must have been scary!
I ran out of the house with my baby because of smoke, too! I was really proud of myself for how I handled it. This was when my now 2.5 yo was just a few months old and I was trying every pacifier known to humankind. I was boiling a bunch of them to sterilize them, went to our top floor with the baby in my sling (two floors above the kitchen) and forgot I left them on the stove (I blame serious sleep deprivation). I smelled smoke as the fire alarm started going off. I realized what it was as I ran down stairs. I put the baby down in a safe, not too smoky place, got the pan off the stove, opened a couple of windows, grabbed the baby and hightailed it out of the house with only the baby and my keys. I ended up going to my mom's house until the smoke cleared from the house.
I've also given up any good sleep for the better part of over three years (I'm counting pregnancy). And I'm again pumping every day for the baby. I HATE pumping, but they are worth it.
Posted by: caramama | October 27, 2009 at 12:50 PM
Telling off some kids at the park for riding bicyles erratically with a bunch of 4/5/6 year olds running around. And believe me that took guts (I'm so unconfrontational when it comes to other people's kids!). Break up a fight between teenagers? I wouldn't even dream of it. Good for you though Moxie.
Posted by: paola | October 27, 2009 at 12:51 PM
Well, I'm only 2 years into this motherhood thing, and I haven't yet been confronted with any truly terrifying situations involving little G (thank you, God), so I guess for me...
I'd have to say that the greatest thing I've done for my little one was surviving my own private PPD hell. Only in retrospect do I realize just how close I came during that 16 month ordeal (yup, 16 *long* months) to just giving up. For good. But I remember thinking that I just couldn't do that because... I couldn't leave her. Even though I hadn't learned to love her, yet, she was still *mine* and I was responsible for her in a way no one else would ever be (a fact I resented, but could not deny).
And now... every day with my G is *so* much sweeter, because the PPD monster kept the good times at bay for so, so long. Once I realized exactly what I had been missing, it was like I had been reborn. So I guess the thing that my little G gave me the strength to do was to just hold on, even when it would have been so much easier to just give up.
I once was lost, but now am found
Was blind, but now I see
(her song -- our song)
Posted by: Suzie Q | October 27, 2009 at 01:01 PM
I had to do the Heimlich Manuever on my son when he was nine months old. His airway was totally blocked and he was turning blue. You never know what you are capable of until faced with the situation.
Great job today Moxie. And great topic.
Posted by: Jill | October 27, 2009 at 01:15 PM
I haven't had to take any heroic measures with my children yet ... But I hope that I will be as brave and levelheaded as Moxie and the Moxites are. Very impressive stories, y'all!
Especially yours, @Sarah. Water accidents are my WORST NIGHTMARE and you seemed to handle yours so well. I couldn't have possibly kept it together like you did, but then you wouldn't catch me dead on any boat, esp. with my kids. Too scared. Maybe more exposure/practice with water would help us all, but I'm not willing/able to put myself out there to risk it yet. Phobia, anyone?
Also, @CaliBoo, what is it that you SAY to people with loose dogs? I have had that situation happen to me more than once, with people who trot after their dog, crowing, "It's ok! He's friendly! He won't bite!" while I'm thinking, "Yeah right. He won't bite YOU. But I might!" I haven't been able to think quickly enough, while hustling kids & strollers away from them, to do anything other than shoot dirty looks and scowl. A script I could practice for next time, please?
Posted by: MrsHaley | October 27, 2009 at 01:41 PM
Just today I continued in therapy to face the deep black well of emotions that I've been running from since I was, oh, 5 years old. That takes bravery and strength that I was never able to muster in the 10 or so years I was in therapy before having a kid. And honestly I'm still not sure I'm going to survive it, but as SuzieQ said above, I guess I will because I have to. I can't tell you how many times recently I've thought about how to avoid or end the pain and realized I can't because my daughter needs me here, now, to deal with it.
Beyond that, getting away from, little by little, my daughter's father. That process is still not over, and may never be, but I've gotten us really far out of it, one baby step at a time, over the past 6 years. Every single step has taken bravery and strength I didn't think I had.
Posted by: maria | October 27, 2009 at 01:43 PM
Everyone's stories are amazing. Moxie, that's terrifying and I am so glad you are all OK and thought quickly. Allen, your writing about your baby's surgery made me cry.
I haven't had to do anything superbrave mama yet, although I did walk by a corner where on the street I wasn't on, a guy was chasing people with a pistol and I had my then-baby daughter in a sling. I didn't hit me until after we got home what could have happened. And I've intimidated big dogs that have rushed us. People, if you have a dog, keep it on a DAMN LEASH.
Also, last week, when my son had to got o the ER because of asthma, I kept it together, stayed calm, and kept the rest of my family from panicking.
And on a day to day basis, honestly, it's dealing with the grossness. I have SUCH a low tolerance for nasty, seriously, I would be the world's worst nurse. My friends used to laugh at me because any sort of bodily fluid (and the expelling thereof) would make me gag. That's still true for other people's ick. For my kids, I have been used as a Kleenex, puke towel, poop wiper, potty emptier, and it doesn't even faze me.
Posted by: AmyinMotown | October 27, 2009 at 01:55 PM
Nothing particularly heroic here yet, thank God. @Elizabeth- I was also thinking that all the sleep I've given up is probably the most heroic thing I've done. My first didn't sleep through the night until she was 2. My second is just under a month old, and we're back in the up every few hours circle of hell. It is hard! But I agree, it is worth it if that is what you think your child needs.
@MrsHaley- my best ever response to someone whose unleashed dog came bounding up to us, sending my daughter into hysterics: Owner runs up and says "Its OK! He's friendly! He won't bite!" and I said "But my daughter doesn't know that, and he's bigger than she is! Your dog just ruined her trip to the park. It is NOT a leash free park." And then I told him where the nearest leash free park was, picked up my hysterical toddler, and headed home.
Posted by: Cloud | October 27, 2009 at 01:56 PM
Here's the thing though, most people wouldn't have even tried to stop the fight in the first place. The fact that you spoke up and tried to interject a little common decency and social coaching, is admirable all on it's own. The fact that they had knives is at the very least disheartening and sickening and of course you did the right thing to make like a tree. I wish that more adults found it their duty to speak up when kids are out of line. So again, on that alone, great job.
For me, the topic isn't necessarily about bravery but about social responsibility. It's about the shared responsibility we all have for talking to kids, interacting with them in respectful ways, praising them and helping them. Even just asking for a 'please' or a 'thank you', holding a door, asking them not to litter, or saying 'good job' to a kid you don't know can be very empowering to them and to you.
And think of what your little boy learned today, he saw you take action when you found a situation unacceptable. You tried to help and you were not afraid. You used good judgement, did not panic and were able to open up a conversation.
It's unfortunate that situations like these make us all a little uneasy about approaching kids we don't know, but I think it's important for all of us all to try. Even a little bit would make such a huge impact.
Good job. Moxie.
Posted by: rd | October 27, 2009 at 01:59 PM
What a frightening experience. So glad you made it away safely.
@Maria - I've been reading your posts for a while now and I really admire what you are doing for your daughter. You are a very brave mom.
@cloud - I am a huge dog lover (literally and figuratively I used to have a great dane) but I am no longer a fan of strange dogs unleashed either. I never feared for my own safety around any dog but I can't help but be fearful/overprotective now. Maybe its the teeth to face height level thing.
No heroics. Taking a baby to physical therapy when it involved stretching muscles and lots of crying was tough but nothing compared to a friend who takes her little boy to all kinds of therapies including transfusions and dialysis treatments. A mother of a chronically ill child is a hero in my book.
Posted by: mom2boys | October 27, 2009 at 02:08 PM
@Maria -- I'll be thinking of you. You are doing GREAT. Take care of yourself.
What amazing women Moxites are! There's a reason this place is so fantastic...
Posted by: Suzie Q | October 27, 2009 at 02:14 PM
so far, it was to keep showing up while he was in the nicu 7 1/2 months, and keep track of stuff, and advocate for him. i didn't feel brave at all, but he was trying so hard that i *had* to witness it & do my pathetic part.
way to go, everyone! you're a strong group of loving parents!
Posted by: marci | October 27, 2009 at 02:33 PM
What amazing stories here. I am glad you are all safe.
I have no bravery to share, but the thing my children led me to do was survive with little sleep and broken sleep for 2 years now. A full night's sleep is still extremely rare. Oh yeah, and pumping milk anywhere necessary: in the car, in empty offices, in the airport restroom (necessary, but dumped).
Posted by: Clementine | October 27, 2009 at 02:37 PM
I haven't done anything particularly "heroic" either & I am glad for it. I suppose that means nothing more than I have had some unbelievably good fortune, plus some decent judgment about situations to avoid.
@rd - I am one of those people you mentioned who would not ever in her wildest dreams have said anything to those fighting teens in the first place. So, if you were a bystander there with me, you'd probably think I was yet another uncaring jerk sitting there on her cell phone just ignoring things. Calling the police is my preferred intervention method of choice (that is, when I lived in an urban environment anyway.) My point is things are not always as they seem, and sometimes when we stick our nose into other peoples' business, well.. it gets cut off.
Posted by: hush | October 27, 2009 at 02:58 PM
@hush: I think calling the police is brave too, and is taking appropriate action. They're trained and experienced at dealing with these sorts of things and that's what they're there for. Of course if an individual can help, that's the right thing to do, but don't dis yourself for what you can and not more.
Thanks everybody for the support. I have to say, I really need it and appreciate it.
Posted by: maria | October 27, 2009 at 03:09 PM
Aw, @maria ... we love you so much around here. And FWIW, I seem to always agree with whatever you say about a particular topic ... so of course, I think your opinions and ideas are just excellent! You are so well-informed and insightful!
And also strong and tenacious and brave in ways I wish you didn't have to be. Big love, sister.
@Cloud - What did the leashless dog owner say to you after your (excellently worded and very apt) statement? Did they just stand there stupidly or did they apologize or come back at you or what?
Posted by: MrsHaley | October 27, 2009 at 03:17 PM
Getting up at 5:30am
Getting myself and them ready by 7:00am
Working for eight/nine hours
Grocery shopping
Picking them up
Feeding them snacks
PLAYING (ideally outside)
Cooking dinner
Cleaning up the kitchen and them
READING to them
Getting them into pajamas
Brushing their teeth
Singing, praying, saying goodnight
Doing laundry
Packing the diaper bag
Cleaning
Going to bed at 11:00pm
Doing it all again
Posted by: heather | October 27, 2009 at 03:31 PM
Re the unleashed dog thing...I cringe when I think back to when I had a dog and no kids and how often I let him run off leash in the woods (he was a Vizsla and needed a TON of exercise that walking on a leash just didn't provide). He was friendly, but as someone pointed out, other people didn't know that.
Now that I have kids who are bite-sized and bite-height, I'm so much more cautious about dogs. And they don't even have to be off-leash...I was walking in preparation for a run on a paved trail near our house when a small white dog (on the very end of a long retractable leash--hate those things) ran toward me, circled my legs, and nipped me. His owner bundled him off saying, "No, no!" No apology to me, nothing.
I was fine, but what if I'd been walking with our 3y.o.? I think the rule should be: leashed, and right next to your side when you're passing people on a trail or sidewalk.
I still wish I'd yelled at that guy, but I only think of things to say retroactively. Damn.
Posted by: meggiemoo | October 27, 2009 at 03:32 PM
Have been reading for some time. Thought I'd post on this one because being a new mama has me thinking in crisis mode more often than i'd like. I try to be really laidback about stuff, but since my little guy was born, I've had whole imaginings of how I would deal with all kinds of scary situations (i.e. I regularly imagine how I could throw myself in front of a car to keep it from hitting the stroller. What?).
When baby was 3mo, we walked by some cops that were spraying some teenagers with heavy duty pepper spray (note: I live in France, where police use a lot of pepper spray, it seems). Passersby were hit too, and I felt my eyes burning... Hubby has awesome crisis response, took off running immediately (with the stroller), while I trailed behind, trying to stop myself from screaming at the cops. So maybe not so heroic on my part.
Sleeping is a big one (or rather, not sleeping). I think my strong point as a mama will be tending my sick child- I've always liked caring for sick people, since I'm always such a wreck when sick. Oh, and breastfeeding is a much bigger commitment than I'd realized, had promised myself to feed for 6m, and have stuck to it.
Posted by: millay | October 27, 2009 at 03:33 PM
I would not ever under any circumstances (children with me or not) intervene in a scuffle on public transit. I live in Chicagoland and our teens beat people to death without knives, so uh, no. The closest I have come is when sullen teens cut through my yard (we live on a T street), I tell them to ask or say think you. And the next one who steps two feet over to walk in my neighbor's yard to avoid having to do either of those things to walk in my yard might get followed home where I will talk to their parents (and probably get arrested for stalking them).
Posted by: SarcastiCarrie | October 27, 2009 at 03:36 PM
I've shocked myself a few times by asking rough-looking New York City teenagers to not use such foul language on the street with little kids in hearing distance. I've also asked some kids to pick up the trash they had just thrown on the street in an effort to show my child that you shouldn't litter. I've also risen to my son's defense too many times to count as he looks much older than he really is (unusually tall for his age) and is often made fun of for not understanding the rules of a game or whatever. And I'm not a confrontational person at all!
Posted by: Eva | October 27, 2009 at 03:44 PM
Other than the sleep given up, as many others have stated, I have not yet performed any heroic mom duties.
In regards to the comments about dogs off leash, I think @Clouds response to the owners of dogs approaching uninvited in on-leash parks is a good one. Owners who let their dogs approach uninvited are not understanding that it's not all about them.*
*It should be noted that I say this as someone who lets her dog off leash in an on-leash park (as many others in our park do).
BUT, I never let my dog approach uninvited (to kids, but also to adults, and even to other dogs). And if kids do want to come and see our dog (who is very friendly), I always have her sit, and hold her by the collar in case she gets out of hand (which usually means licking too much or if the kid gets nervous - she's a big-ish dog).
If I'm going to break the rules, then I'm going to be sure to be respectful of everyone else in the park while I do it. IMHO, if you don't have control of your dog, you shouldn't have them off leash. And as a last point, having a dog 'on leash' -i.e. those extendable ones if they are extended a lot - is essentially the same as having them off leash. If you need to remove your dog from a situation, and they are on a fully extended leash (the long ones, not regular kind), you won't be able to remove them quickly.
Sorry for the OT rant!
Posted by: the milliner | October 27, 2009 at 03:44 PM
Wow, you all never cease to amaze me:)
Bravest I've had to be is staying strong figuring out what the best course is for my children's health. Dealing with hospitals, surgeries and medicine can be so treacherous, especially once you realize that they don't always know best. We all try to protect our kids from the outside world, but it's tough when the beast is inside.
Posted by: KateW | October 27, 2009 at 03:52 PM
@MrsHaley- the owner just shrugged at me. Not very satisfying at all!
@the milliner- the park I was at (our "local") has a big grassy area that just begs for dogs to be let off leash. I don't actually mind that, as long as their owners keep them away from the playground. I think you and I agree on dog etiquette!
Posted by: Cloud | October 27, 2009 at 03:53 PM
@ Eva, I've pleaded with bigger kids not to do dumbass stuff--scale fences, unsafe playground manuevers--in front of my impressionable toddlers. I usually try to phrase it as, "They aren't aware of the size difference between you and them, so they think they can do these things that are unsafe for them!" I assume that the big kids have no frame of reference for toddlers and their limitations and lemming-like behavior :) Because I'm giving the benefit of the doubt when what I really want to do is kick some ass.
Posted by: Kate | October 27, 2009 at 04:36 PM
@Mrs. Haley - I usually say something along the lines of "Your dog needs to be on a leash. He is clearly not under your control and could hurt me/my daughter. You don't agree? Well, it is a misdemeanor to have a dog off-leash in this area, so if I could please have your name and your dog's license number, I'd be happy to have Animal Control talk to you about it" (at this point I'm talking to their backs).
I don't know if it gets through, but I'm hoping that at least I'm annoying enough that people will want to avoid an interaction with ME. The first time this happened, I was speechless, but the situation has repeated a few times, so I'm ready now...
Anyhoo, didn't mean to drag us off-topic - it's interesting to read everyone's posts, and see what things require different levels of courage from people. And as Heather pointed out, it takes a whole 'nutha level of bravery just to do the day-to-day, everyday, and fight the urge to hide under the blankets.
Posted by: CaliBoo | October 27, 2009 at 04:37 PM
@maria - I've been reading your comments and thinking about you alot too. I think you are amazing and so brave to be dealing with your ex situation the way you have! Way to go, Mama!
@mom2boys -- I've been meaning to say thanks for your comment on my blog the other day about sleep. You said EXACTLY what I needed to hear. It's so great to have found other parents who've had similar experiences with spirited/non-sleeping-well kids.
Posted by: caramama | October 27, 2009 at 04:38 PM
Wow Moxie. I'm with rd.
Posted by: sweetcoalminer | October 27, 2009 at 05:20 PM
I guess it took a lot of courage to jump back in and have another baby after how it all went down with the first (infertility, bed rest, pelvic rest, emergency c-section, resuscitation right after birth, large weight loss, no sleep ever again ever and I hope you didn't want to sleep, nursing, pumping, etc), but that's courage for me to protect me from hurt and pain not necessarily related to being courageous for my kids (well, except the 2nd one who wouldn't be here were it not for my super-bravery).
And as a gift to me, my second one was a sleeper (and I emphasize WAS since something has happened to my sleeper monkey).
Posted by: SarcastiCarrie | October 27, 2009 at 05:23 PM
I'm with all the non-sleeping tired mommas out here in AskMoxie Land. But if I had to think of something "heroic"? The only thing that comes to mind is surviving three (four?) earthquakes since he's been born. I'm not used to them, I didn't grow up learning what to do during an earthquake, and they completely freak me out. But during them? The first time it happened I actually put my body over my sleeping boy as if I could protect him from falling objects. Like the ceiling. Quickly nixed that idea and stood in a doorway with him. The second time I just ran to his room, picked him up and ran out the door, without hesitation. I'm just proud I wasn't screaming each time.
Much love to those who have to give much more bravery in situations much more dire. <3
Posted by: elisa | October 27, 2009 at 06:59 PM
i have to agree with allen. My son was only 5 days old and was diagnosed with a rare heart defect which required open heart reconstruction. The hardest and bravest thing that I have done was giving him to the cardiothoracis surgeon at only 15 days old to have his heart fixed. I could not hold him for another 3 weeks. We slept at his bedside for 31 days and nights and could only see our then 3 year old daughter on weekend. Our life was turned upside down. But I would not change a thing. This is my purpose in life, to have a child with a heart defect and take care of him. He still has another surgery to go since he is missing a valve, but i just try to live each day to the fullest. He is the one that is brave! He is an always will be my hero.
Posted by: riann | October 27, 2009 at 07:27 PM
Oh, I think I've missed the coffeeshop talk part of today's topic.
The most badass thing I've done is push a 6+ ft man because he kept bumping into my newborn (hormones make momma bear very angry!) and drastically renegotiating my relationship with my father. Never in a million years would I have thought that I'd have the guts to stnad up to that man. But as you all know, you have a baby and everything changes.
Posted by: Nej | October 27, 2009 at 07:30 PM
Two things come to mind, but I agree that neither of them qualify as classically "heroic" - the picture that comes to mind right now, amusingly enough, is when people get their legs stretched. The bone is broken, then set with tension kind of like braces for teeth, which causes new bone to grow where the break was. Difficult growth rather than heroics, to put it awkwardly.
Anyway. The first is actively submitting my girls to painful medical things for their own good: the million needles in the back for an allergy test, the shots, holding my baby girl down so they could stick a tube down her throat and suction her lungs so she could breathe better. Awful necessity.
The second is standing up to other people, which I've never been great at either. Telling my folks and brothers to BACK OFF, please, she needs to get used to you first; bluntly telling a well-meaning but bossy neighbor the same thing and that I will discipline them myself, thank you.
I hope that if I ever find myself in a situation in which I have to be truly heroic, I'll have the presence of mind to stand in the company of you ladies who have acted with such courage.
Posted by: Meika | October 27, 2009 at 08:13 PM
y'all rock.
Lessee... crowds I run with here:
The 'got therapy' crowd (maria, it is worth it, really).
The surgery on very small infant crowd (though not heart surgery, removing a tumor of unknown origin at 5 weeks old was still scary - turned out to be a cavernous hemangioma, basically an oversized large-vessel strawberry birthmark down at the muscle layer). Lots of other medical stuff, and I agree with KateW, it is hard to stay the course, to work with the team, knowing that some of the team have their heads up their collective nethers. Being told that I have the problem, my child doesn't (ARGH - though at least vindicated by the second opinion, who found in 2 weeks what was not found in a bloody year and a half with the previous doctor... Still so pissed on that)... Deep breath.
Standing up to people for the sake of my child, check. My mom included.
Heimlich twice in a row (I say five minutes apart, but I think it was more like 5 seconds) on a ~9-month-old Miss M (real choking is scarier than almost choking - silent inability to breathe...). I'm on that team, too.
Other stuff: Pulling illegal driving moves racing a child to the ER. I am not normally prone to doing stupid sh*t in the car, but I jumped a curb to pull a U-ie to get to the ER faster. Back before I had any way to know that if I have to race to get there, it is better to call 911 and have them race to get HERE, instead (where they could start treatment if needed). They've got the sirens, I don't. :head-smack:
Giving up both dairy and chocolate while nursing. And then still going for extended nursing. (Two and a half years of no chocolate... determination required every time I went to the store, to a restaurant, to the mall, and I still bought my mom chocolates for Christmas...)
Before kids, if you'd asked me if I would willingly face 80 hours of labor for anyone, I'd have said no. But I did it (66 of it with no meds, though honestly it wasn't that bad, just tiring), and was willing to do it again immediately - not that we did, but I was not even out of the birthing room before I said I could and would do that all again for this little person.
Fortunately, the other two labors were about 4.5 hours each. Phew!
Posted by: hedra | October 27, 2009 at 08:22 PM
Shortly after my daughter started eating solids she grabbed a piece of bread from my husband and shoved it in her mouth. She choked. My husband was all in a panic. When I realized what was happening, I grabbed her, flipped her tummy-down, and gave her one hard whack between her shoulder blades. Voila - hunk of bread on the floor. My husband looked at me in amazement & asked where I learned that. Our swimming instructor showed us in about 5 minutes & I'd never practiced!
As others have said, it's amazing what you can do when you have to.
Posted by: heather | October 27, 2009 at 08:53 PM
@hedra… thanks for the affirmation. I've been really needing to hear the past few weeks that it gets better. The first 10 or 15 years of therapy were a breeze compared to this crapola.
Posted by: maria | October 27, 2009 at 10:41 PM
I can echo the sleep comment, again and again...
And the dog comments. I have a fear of dogs myself, and some of my 'bravest' moments have been acting tough and in charge when unleashed dogs rush at my boys (where what I want to do is climb up my dad's leg like I used to do!).
Thanks to the comments I read today I'm going to start complaining to the owners about these dogs.
Posted by: suzanna | October 28, 2009 at 01:56 AM
@maria, I've been rooting for you for a long time. I'm sorry you're facing tough times in therapy. I haven't been through that sort of thing, so I've got no words of wisdom, but I wish the best for you and your girl.
Posted by: Claudia | October 28, 2009 at 02:53 AM
@maria, glad to be a light. The dark nights of the soul are hard and lonely. But you will walk out of that space one day, and damn it's glorious when you do. All the more so for knowing how dark it was. You're doing good work, and laying tracks for your daughter's life, and possibly for grandchildren and every following generation. Walking your entire family of descendants (even if that is only the one) into the light.
My mom tells a story of being in seminary, and in one of the group 'talk about the process' sessions, it became clear that one of the seminarians is where you are - dark night of the soul, every breath a struggle, everything hurting. My mom's spontaneous reaction was to offer heartfelt congratulations to the woman. All but one other in the room looked at her like she was crazy, but the other - who was pretty much her theological opposite - said 'sing it sister!' The facilitator got the two of them talking (he didn't understand, either, but realized that there was something real there) about the great gift that experiencing that space ends up being. It is the worst possible suckage when you are in it, but both being there and making it out bring valuable understanding of self and others that maybe nothing else can teach. Still sucks jagged rocks bigger than your head while you're there. I still get that same feeling my mom had - compassion, total understanding, and a reminder of the glory of being IN life (daily headaches and parenting mangles and all) that comes as you step free and whole from that process in the end. There IS a done, a healed, a whole. Hang in there.
Link for you for when you feel like you'll never be done: (different issues, same process) http://www.exploringwomanhood.com/toughissues/rape/story8.htm
Posted by: hedra | October 28, 2009 at 05:41 AM
I am normally the hysterical, emotional type. To this day, I wonder myself how I managed when my daughter had an emergency at 7 weeks old. But it was like I somehow stepped out of myself and was able to keep it together to call 911, finish drying and dressing her twin brother (I was in the middle of bathing him when her lung collapsed), drive separately to the hospital (because I was home alone with the babies and they couldn't take him in the ambulance), and then stand by helplessly watching them make three attempts to intubate her until they were finally successful. That day, and the whole long week that she was in the PICU, it was like I had become someone else who just did what needed to be done (including running constantly between the hospital and my in-laws to continue breastfeeding both children) without falling apart and completely losing it.
After she was safe and back home with us, I gave myself the luxury of having a good, long cry and felt all the panic that had accumulated. It felt good to get it out, but it also felt good to know that I CAN do what needs to be done for my kids without letting my emotions get in the way.
Posted by: Jackie | October 28, 2009 at 08:55 AM
The mothers of the chronically ill children and special-needs children who DO IT EVERY DAY are the ones who rock my universe. This parenting crap is hard, hard, hard even when your children are healthy and don't have special needs.
Posted by: Shelley | October 28, 2009 at 09:44 AM