Not exactly a question, this is more of a statement & answer today.
Erin, who has a 4-day-old baby, writes:
"This is hard work."
Yes. Yes, it is.
And it's not even the work part of it that makes it hard work. It's the unrelenting nature of it. It's just constant tasks, with the feeding and the diaper changing and the shushing and the holding and the rocking and the burping and the sleeping and the waking.
And the worry! Every single thing at this stage in high stakes. If a feeding goes badly, you worry. Of course the baby isn't sleeping at night yet, and you worry about that. You worry if the baby doesn't burp. If the baby burps too much. If the baby takes a pacifier you worry, and if he doesn't you worry about that, too.
It's really just a whole lot of emotion, combined with physical effort.
In addition, your body is healing from the pregnancy and birth. Your organs are going back into place. You're recovering from the marathon of labor and delivery. You might be recovering from a c-section or that E word I'm not even going to say. You're dehydrated and hungry, but can't seem to find the time to feed yourself or get a glass of water.
People are telling you what to do right and left, and you haven't had enough time to get to know your baby enough to trust your instincts yet.
Your whole life is different, and insane, and you wonder what exactly you've done.
It's a little bit like being Gregor Samsa and waking up one morning to find you've turned into a cockroach. Except that you also have this crying little person with you that you love fiercely but don't know very well yet.
It's like sticking your head in a blender.
Now for the good news: We've all been there. We've all survived. It sucks, but you will make it through.
My advice is to lower your standards. If you and the baby are alive at the end of the day, you're doing a great job. Instead of trying to do things the "right" way, pay attention to what seems to work best with your baby. And ignore most of the advice you get* from people. If they're not willing to come take a turn at 3 am, they don't get a say in what you do.
Now, readers! Please leave comments either of support for Erin and all other new parents, or tell us the most ridiculous piece of advice someone gave you in the early early days.
* Even mine, if it doesn't make sense with your kid or family. I know--I don't always know what I'm talking about! Shocking.
Having a new baby is a "journey to the center of the whirlwind"...and then back out again.
The part in the whirlwind doesn't really last all that long. That's what I'll keep telling myself as we prepare to do it again.
I think it's important sometimes to let go of your preconceived ideas about the "right" way to do something (and that could mean any number of things to different people). If what you thought was the right way isn't working for the baby, or for you, be flexible and try something else. The important thing is that you and your baby are healthy and that you are able to enjoy the relationship as much as possible, not that you followed a particular program at the expense of everything else.
The best advice I got was to swaddle the baby at night but not during daytime naps. Helped him figure out the difference between day and night pretty darn fast.
The worst advice I got was "sleep when the baby sleeps." I didn't want to sleep during the day that much because it made me feel depressed, and then I felt guilty for not doing it. I survived on mostly night sleep and a nap here and there.
Congratulations to Erin, and @hush, and @cloud!
Posted by: CG | October 20, 2009 at 12:42 PM
One of my best friends warned me about the first few weeks of parenthood. She said, "Everyone will tell you to enjoy this time because it goes so fast. But they must have amnesia, because there is very little to enjoy about the first few weeks of parenthood. It sucks." It kind of depressed me at first but her point was that she felt like she must be doing something wrong because everyone was telling her how precious this time was, and she was just stressed out and depressed and not enjoying it much at all. So she wanted me to know I was normal if I felt the same way. And of course she said it gets better, and for me it has. But I was glad to have someone like her tell me I wasn't a terrible parent if I wasn't spending every minute just oozing joy and love.
Posted by: Sheila | October 20, 2009 at 12:55 PM
ITA that 'sleep when the baby sleeps' business is pointless. I could never turn off my whirling mind and surging hormones to relax during the day. And daytime napping gives me a migraine and there's not much to take for that while breastfeeding. Also, it's completely irrelevant if you have more than one. I mean, who can nap with a toddler and a newborn in the house? With all that screaming?!? And the kids scream a lot, too!
The best advice I got was "Listen to your baby." Learning the signs for hunger, tired, pain, etc. (both from books and from the baby over time), then watching carefully for them and heeding them consistently helped us so much. Regardless of what the clock or your MIL or a parenting book says, if you feed the baby when she's hungry and put him to sleep when he's tired and change her when she's uncomfortable, you'll be getting it mostly right, most of the time.
Also, my mom said (and still says) "Wait 20 minutes and it will be different." In the newborn days, so very very true. During toddler time, it's "Wait 2 weeks." Also true.
The days crawl, the years fly.
Posted by: MrsHaley | October 20, 2009 at 01:01 PM
Yes: lower your expectations. Like, *really* lower them. To the point where they can't get any lower. At this point all you need are diapers, clothes and boobs (or formula). The first 6 weeks are about making it through, not really *how* you make it through. Do what works. If it doesn't work, try something else.
It doesn't matter where the baby sleeps (in bed with you, on your chest, in a car seat, in a swing), how the baby sleeps (swaddled, with crazy loud white noise on, next to a running dryer), etc. As long as you're using common sense and keeping the baby safe, this isn't the time to worry about forming any long-lasting habits.
Our son wouldn't fall asleep unless he was rocked very fast in our arms with the vacuum cleaner on full-blast next to us. We wore out the vacuum before we had the brilliant idea to record the noise. My sister was shocked at how loud we played the white noise, but it was the only way he'd fall asleep at first.
I also hated the "sleep when the baby sleeps" advice. I hate napping--it makes me feel worse rather than better. And I felt better taking that (very short) time to do something for me, or something around the house. Yeah, I was really really sleep deprived, but hanging out in a filthy house only made me feel worse.
I wish I could be a parenting santa and visit every new mom for the first few weeks and just be there to support her. I wish someone had been there to support me. But, it was much, much better the 2nd time around. Hang in there! You will all be OK.
Posted by: meggiemoo | October 20, 2009 at 01:05 PM
Yeah, and I don't love them when they're born, either. So I get the whirlwind and no love-to-death. Feel responsible for? Sure. Cuteness? Sure. Love? Not for five or six weeks.
So if it sucks and there's no great whammy of love, that's also fine.
I don't remember any advice from that time period. I remember two bits of advice from while pregnant that were great.
1) Get a rocker recliner you can sleep in, so when they're congested and have to sleep upright against your shoulder all night, you can sleep, too (caveats about SIDS risks on sofas abound - a sling to keep them snugged up high and vertical made me feel better).
2) The goal is not being perfect, but having them be able to afford their therapy when they grow up. I thought that was funny advice, but it was good advice, too. If they can afford their therapy, I am a successful parent. Woot!
My mom had plenty of advice about everything, until I told her who the mom was, this time. Harshly. I don't remember the advice, but I do remember her wounded look in response to my sudden onset of boundaries. We worked it out, though.
Seriously would not go back. SOOOO done with babies. Phew!
Posted by: hedra | October 20, 2009 at 01:05 PM
Hang in there Erin! You can do it. Really. I still remember feeling all of what Moxie describes in the first days/weeks/months of my guy's life. Things that stick out are:
-Breastfeeding for 45 mins every 1.5 hours made me feel like a cow. Talk about unrelenting. Eek. We're still BF (16 months), and it hasn't felt that way in probably 14-15 months. 10 mins (or less!) now. Yay!
-Being obsessed with his breathing. Was he breathing OK? Is that his chest heaving or is it just regular baby breathing? So hard to know until you have experience with your kid. Though it didn't entirely go away. Sometimes I still double-check.
-Missing being pregnant in those early days. It was weird just being 'regular old me'.
The learning curve is steep. Way steep. Like nothing else I've experienced. It's hard lacking experience & feeling incompetent 24/7.
The best advice I got was the 5 S's from Happiest Baby on the Block...especially swaddling like CG said. Those 5 tricks really helped us survive the first 8 weeks (and much longer - we swaddled until 10.5 months!). Oh, and the vacuum. Induced sleeping like nobodies business. We placed it right under the cradle & he was out like a light.
The second best advice I think I read on here. Basically that babies reach the peak of fussiness at 8 weeks. So if you see your baby getting more & more fussy, know that it will probably decrease at 8 weeks. It did for us. Like night and day.
I don't remember the worst advice. I probably blocked it all out!!
Posted by: the milliner | October 20, 2009 at 01:07 PM
Unrelenting is the perfect word. That's what just overwhelmed me the first time.
My only thought is to trust your gut and parent the way you want to. The example I always think of deals with co-sleeping. I thought I would be a "weak" parent if I let her sleep with us. But after 8 weeks of taking her in and out of the bassinet all night, I fell asleep one night with her in bed. It was heaven because I did not have to get up all night.
Everyone and every family is different. Don't worry about the books or friends; do what is right for you and your family.
Posted by: Stephanie (no longer in PR) | October 20, 2009 at 01:20 PM
Erin - You can make it! You might be exhausted and dirty and wondering why in the hell you agreed to ever have sex in the first place... but someday your wee baby will be an 20 month old who comes up to you out of no where, throws her arms around your legs and gives you a huge kiss and then runs off giggling. In short, it's worth it I swear!
The most ridiculous piece of advice I got was to sleep when the baby sleeps. Crap! Your kid sleeps in spurts and the phone rings and it's sunny outside and your husband snores and your kid only sleeps in their car seat which everyone says will make her hunchbacked... Looking back now, I'm still amazed that we made it.
Posted by: Misc Jenn | October 20, 2009 at 01:20 PM
Worst advice:
Sleep when the baby sleeps. No--you should shower when the baby sleeps, take a walk when the baby sleeps, get a massage while the baby sleeps. You should pump a bottle's worth of milk, ask your spouse/mom to get up at night with the baby, and you should sleep at night. I HATED that advice--your waking hours should not be 100% baby if you can help it.
Also--several sources said that introducing the pacifier before 5 weeks caused "nipple confusion." When my baby wouldn't sleep for longer than 30 min at a time on her third day, I popped that paci right in there, and it was magic. She didn't seem confused about nipples. I haven't met any who reports that nipple confusion is real... can anyone speak to that?
Thing that worked for me:
Get outside. Go somewhere you can relax--coffeeshop, or outside if it's warm enough. Both baby and I relaxed a lot better when we weren't in the house.
Good luck!
Posted by: tk_zk | October 20, 2009 at 01:22 PM
I really struggled with breastfeeding. My milk just never came in. I tried EVERYTHING short of ordering pills from Vanuatu off the internet so the endless advice really grated on me. I already felt defective.
Background: the lactation consultant had me breastfeeding 10/day and pumping 10-13/day to try and increase my supply. Oh yeah, and I didn't know you didn't have to wash the pump pieces every single time you used them.
Mom: "You have to drink a beer before you breastfeed."
Me: "Mom, that's a 12-pack a day!"
Mom: "Well you could drink one every other time you breastfeed."
Me: "We're still talking a 6-pack, mom."
Mom: Fine! Don't listen to me."
Posted by: anon | October 20, 2009 at 01:25 PM
I remember those first days with my second baby especially clearly. My husband went back to work when she was 3 days old (he didn't have a choice. We had the poor timing to have a new baby during the busiest couple of weeks of the year for him. We only got 3 days because she was born on a Friday). I was at home, stuck in the house in January, with a newborn and a 15 month old. I made it my goal to keep all 3 of us in clean pants and with full bellies. Other than that, I didn't care. It made a huge difference in my mindset.
Best advice: get a carrier that works for you and your baby. Sling, wrap, Mei Tai, Ergo, etc. Figure out what you two like and your life with be so much easier. Also, ignore anyone who is saying with shock and dismay "You're doing _____?" or "You're not doing ______?"
Posted by: Joceline | October 20, 2009 at 01:29 PM
Also:
you WILL feel the urge to slap your husband/partner. Try to resist. If it's REALLY hard, try substituting demands for chocolate. That should hold you until you can walk/poop/bear to be away from the baby for more than 5 minutes.
For me, it sucked SO badly that I refused to let my husband show me how the car seat worked. I was afraid I would put the baby in it some night and dump him outside the hospital. (Well, not really. I was actually planning on taking him over to some childless friends in the process of adiopting, because I figured they wanted a baby SO much they'd put up with the insanity.)
And also: in about 2 weeks, get your mom or a friend to pick up a copy of "Operating Instructions" by Anne Lamott and "This Little Mommy Stayed Home" by Samatha Wilde. Laugh your ass off while reading them.
Posted by: Tzipporah | October 20, 2009 at 01:37 PM
I also got "Enjoy this time" from a very nice old lady at Target. On this same trip to Target, I had burst into tears because I couldn't decide on what kind of recycling container to purchase, and my sister broke it to me that the pajama pants I'd decided I was okay with wearing out of the house actually had a tear in the rear. Which made me laugh so hard that I wet my pants. "Enjoy this time" indeed!
I promise it gets better!
Posted by: ksb | October 20, 2009 at 01:41 PM
"Cherish this precious time." Seriously? SERIOUSLY?! Those people must have holes in their heads.
Of course, a few months down the line you look back at the newborn photos, and you feel a bit mushy, and you start to understand that it was a bit precious... but mostly, it sucked. (It still sucks a bit, at 7 months. It sucks that every time we think we've made progress on the sleep front, she changes again, and I'm starting to conclude we're just stuck with sleep deprivation for a few years yet. But in waking hours, she is beyond awesome.)
Posted by: Robynn | October 20, 2009 at 01:41 PM
When my little girl was around 2-3 months old, she was sleeping really well at night for her age (5-7 hours straight through!) but she didn't really settle down till 11 or so, and always fell asleep at around 8pm for 10-15 minutes, absolutely regardless of where she was or what we did to try to keep her awake. I mentioned it to an older friend [who was very pro-scheduling] and she said "Well, you sure won't do that with the second baby." I was a little mindblown. Do WHAT, exactly??
Posted by: Becky | October 20, 2009 at 01:45 PM
You all are making me laugh at how common our experiences are and NO ONE talks about them. We're expected to be all dewy eyed and serene and I don't know about you but I just needed to get the HELL out of the house for longer than an hour and feel like a grownup person again. I am also so happy to hear I wasn't the only one who thought sleeping when the baby slept was the LAST thing I wanted to do. The way Moxie describes it is exactly how I felt, like "WTF did I DO to my LIFE??" And I will echo that it does get so much better. It feels totally normal to be a mom now, I have settled into that seismic shift in identity and realized I actually really like these little people in addition to loving them like nothing before.
I didn't have a lot of bad advice, or I must have blocked it all out. I do have a comment from a friend I will always remember. People were calling to see how we were doing, and everybody expected that after a long hard journey with infertility we'd just be over the moon. Which we were, but also overwhelmed as hell and wondering "whose brilliant idea was this?" It made me feel really bad that everyone seemed to expect me to be blissful and while I already loved this little baby with all my heart I was having a hard time, too. And then my friend Karyn called and the first thing she said after "hello" was "Isn't it HARD??" That just meant the world to me and believe me I remembered it when she had her second and was right there in newborn bizarro world. (yes, it recurs, but less severely and with more perspective).
The only other thing is: most babies have a fussy phase right around three weeks when they seem to realize they really are living on Earth and are PISSED OFF. One friend warned me about this and thank God. My daughter would scream and scream inconsolably for two hours at a time every early evening, to the point my stomach would drop when I'd see if was starting to get dark (she was a winter baby). Assuming you live with a partner, make sure he/she's on board to switch off with you, and be assured you didn't break your baby and even if it seems nothing is working, they know they are being loved and cared for and you are helping them.
Once they get through this their little personalities start to shine, they often start smiling and sleeping more, and you'll be really glad you didn't run away to Timbuktu. And not all babies do it, my son didn't.
Finally--if you are capable of coming here with a only a four day old and seeking out commiseration and support, you are doing great and will master this just fine.
Posted by: AmyinMotown | October 20, 2009 at 01:48 PM
@anon with the 6-pack advice - LOL! That's advice that I might be tempted by some days...
ITA that "sleep when the baby sleeps" is crap; especially now with a 2.5 yo and 5 month old.
My biggest challenge is to accept help and enjoy it. It's not any good if I spend my 'time off' feeling guilty:P
Posted by: KateW | October 20, 2009 at 01:49 PM
Oh my god. I don't remember the worst advice I got, but I can sure remember the best. "Forgive yourself" Seriously. There were so many things that we did 'wrong' those first few weeks. Be it that we didn't realize he was screaming because he was hungry even when I was breastfeeding him nearly constantly or thinking he was cold when it was 95 degrees out and he had on 4 layers of clothing and a blanket (July baby).
Those first months were just all about staying sane. And doing what works for your family. And, for me personally, giving up on the dream of being the perfect mom, which I didn't realize was actually a dream until I came smack up against the first thing I thought a perfect mom would do that I just could not do.
Foregive yourself.
Posted by: Mary | October 20, 2009 at 01:50 PM
Ok, as for the 'sleep when the baby sleeps,' let's just change it to 'do what you WANT to when the baby sleeps.' If you want to clean, fine. If you want to shower, by all means. If you want to sleep, do so.
I was a serious wreck due to sleep deprivation, and sometimes I think the extra hour of shut-eye saved my ever-teetering sanity.
As for the unrelenting nature of it; sing it, sister. It's physical, mental, emotional, but all of those turbo-boosted with some mysterious Mommy hormone that kicks in with birth. No matter how stable, reasonable or analytical you were just before having the baby, you turn into a psychotic fiend about the. most. banal. things.
You will grow out of it, it's just a phase.
I am now 3 1/2 years into this parenting thing, and I love the experience more and more. I started out not loving it (borderline colic baby) at all, and as she gained personality and some modicum of independence, I got more happy and relaxed. When she was sleep trained, I got much more sane.
Good luck and congratulations, Erin!
Posted by: Claudia | October 20, 2009 at 01:51 PM
A healthy baby at the end of the day is a success. If you got a shower and/or more than 1 meal in for yourself, you get extra bonus points, gold stars and applause.
You WILL get through it.
Posted by: Christiana | October 20, 2009 at 01:55 PM
Having a baby will make you and your partner closer!!
Posted by: paola | October 20, 2009 at 01:56 PM
This too shall pass. That was the thing I most needed to hear. Maybe I wouldn't have believed it, though. On maybe the fifth day I looked around and thought "Oh no. This is my life now, forever. I will never sleep again." I really believed that, too. Lack of sleep can really mess with your head. It will pass. You will sleep again one day. And take regular showers. Really.
Posted by: julianne | October 20, 2009 at 01:57 PM
Oh, man - this brings it all back!
All the stress was so constant, and then being told "sleep while the baby sleeps" - HAH - worst advice ever!!!
My absolute bottom point was my husband arriving home in the early afternoon to find me sobbing in my bath-robe & the baby howling in his car-seat, and saying "Did you forget? We have to go to the doctor for the six-week appointment?". Did he not realise that I had spent all day getting me & the baby to that (imagine expletives) point!!!!!!
What saved my sanity was going out with the baby every day for coffee in the local coffee shop. I started when he was 2 weeks old, and only stopped when I returned to work. Oh bliss, escaping the house....
Hang in there, Erin.
Posted by: Mary-Christine | October 20, 2009 at 01:58 PM
I don't remember what it was in reference to (maybe sleeping alone?) but I got some advice about what I should be getting the baby to do that included, "He's going to have to learn eventually."
Yeah, eventually he's going to move out and get a job. The first six weeks are just about stumbling your way to the other side.
Posted by: Slim | October 20, 2009 at 02:01 PM
Oh paola, you slay me. Literal tears streaming down my face. That is funny. Sort of true, but not in the way the advice-giver probably meant.
Posted by: SarcastiCarrie | October 20, 2009 at 02:06 PM
My advice is simple. GET IN BED for the first week or so if you can stand it. Put everything you need for baby on a tray or in a basket beside the bed and lay there. Watch the baby, watch TV if you have time, LOL and do whatever baby needs. Do WHATEVER it takes to make through the day no matter what anyone says.
Get up, lay down, but be in PJ's and realize you're both healing. You're healing from birth, baby is healing from entering this world.
Your energy will increase daily but don't spend it yet. Save it and you will be much happier.
Release the expectations and do whatever is needed to get through the day and it will change in a few weeks. Just be where you are in the moment, at stage 1-survival.
Posted by: Sharon aka Mommie Mentor | October 20, 2009 at 02:23 PM
Best: "Everything is a stage." It all changes, and if what's happening now is making you nuts, just wait and it will change (or course, no guarantees about what's next!) The hope of the hard times not lasting forever kept me going.
Worst: "Make sure you take time for yourself." Well, duh. Yeah, I'd like to do that. Would you like to take care of the kidlet while I do? I know it's well-meaning, and self care IS important, but there are periods where you just cannot do it without another pair of hands. And if the advice-giver isn't willing to be that pair of hands, then they need to shut up.
Posted by: charis | October 20, 2009 at 02:25 PM
First, Erin, you can do this! It will get better. Best advice I got was this: Remember, everything is just a phase. The good and the bad, they are all just phases. Now with my second, I understand that much better than I did with my first. With the first, I thought I to "know" everything; always understand what he wanted and when, figure out the "reasons". That was exhausting! Now I understand that babies just do what babies do and my job is to love them, keep them safe and fed and attempt to enjoy the ride.
Posted by: Tamara | October 20, 2009 at 02:30 PM
The best advice I can give is to take help when it is offered, no matter who offers or when. You're not a superhero and there is no cash prize for doing every feeding, diaper change and bath yourself. The best thing I ever did with both my kids (and the plan for the one arriving in six weeks, oh my holy hell) was let the grandmas come and stay for a week each. I was BF, so they didn't do feeds, but they did take the baby after all the middle-of-the-night feedings so I could go back to sleep until the next one. They cooked and cleaned and were so helpful. I felt well-rested and was able to focus on staying fed and hydrated so I could be the milk machine I needed to be!
The worst advice, I agree with PP, was to sleep when the baby sleeps. That never worked for me. When the baby slept, I found it better to shower and eat and just relax or read or whatever. Sleep on your regular schedule and have husband or other family help out entertaining or calming baby while you rest.
Posted by: Snarky Mommy | October 20, 2009 at 02:32 PM
Day Four - wow he was such a tiny little thing. And I was so overwhelmed already. He just cried. All the time. Every piece of advice about sleep sucked with the lone exception of trying white noise - hello sanity saver in the form of a hair dryer. But the two that made me want to put my head in the oven were "let him fuss" and "keep him on a routine and he'll sleep better". OMG - so not even remotely applicable to this child for the first year.
I would have said "no" more often. No, won't be bringing the baby over to see you - he screams the whole car ride anywhere.
Also, I was obsessed with bonding with him. I was convinced he wanted nothing to do with me esp. since I didn't figure out how to make breast feeding work and that's why he cried all the time. Um, yeah, we're bonded just fine now. :)
Ditto on the steep learning curve, adjusting to the new 24/7 reality and self-identity of being a "mom".
I would do it all again.
Posted by: mom2boys | October 20, 2009 at 02:37 PM
I can't remember the worst advice I got. Probably people telling me that my baby was too young to be out, or that it was too cold for her, even though she was snug as a bug in a rug and perfectly content. Not to mention that walks -- even just around the block -- did a lot for my sanity.
Some of the best advice I got was about listening to my baby. Your baby will teach you how to be his/her parent.
We were also told that the first 12 weeks were very hard, particularly the first 6, but after that it would get easier.
Also good advice: do what works for you, and do what you need to do to get through.
Be gentle with yourself, mama. You can do this.
Posted by: kelly | October 20, 2009 at 02:41 PM
long time, first time, moxites.
This post is so timely - I have an 8-month old that rocks my world these days, but, like the rest of you, my #1 question during those first few days was, "What the !!! have we done?!" Life was hard, sleep was never, tears were many.
Best advice came from my mom at 5am, who I *may* have called "Mommy" on more than one occasion that week. During one of my many hormonal breakdowns, afraid that the baby wouldn't eat, hadn't peed, doesn't she know how to latch? why doesn't she love me yet? am I failing? is she going to die? why won't she eat?
Mom says: Relax, you're still a stranger to her. She's a stranger to you. Take a moment to remind her who you are and that you're both still getting to know each other. Remember that your most important and meaningful relationships don't just happen. You need to work at it and learn who each other are. She'll come around.
Yeah, my mom is pretty awesome and I still go back to that 5am pep-talk.
Worst advice - my mother-in-law shows up on day 2 with three cases of generic formula because no one she knows ever breastfed because do you know what that does to your breasts? love her.
Posted by: Mer | October 20, 2009 at 02:49 PM
Worst advice: Let the baby cry, because it exercises his lungs.
Whaa...???
I've had three kids, and believe me, I never "just let the baby cry" as a newborn. Just letting a baby cry would have made ME crazy -- whether or not it's good for the baby. Which I don't believe it is. But anyway.
Also ... I remember how physically BAD I felt after coming home with the baby. No one talks about this! Just SITTING IN A CHAIR feels like an ordeal, due to the stitches and the hemorrhoids and all the whatnot going on. And I got a urinary tract infection with each kid. And after each kid I generally sort of felt like I'd been beaten with a bat. Plus I felt, looks-wise, rather hideous, what with the deflating-but-not-deflated belly, and the not showering, and the breast milk leaking, etc. This lasts for weeks! And again, no one talks about it!
Erin, if you feel physically lousy, don't worry, you aren't alone! You WILL feel better and it WILL get easier, never fear! Heck, a lot of women actually choose to go through it again. :)
Posted by: Allison | October 20, 2009 at 02:56 PM
@anon with the 6-pack - my mom reminded me of the story of her grandmother, whose midwife ordered a keg for her on the day of the delivery. My great-grandma was a LADY (dammit!) so she insisted that the beer be delivered to the back door of the house. Propriety, PLEASE.
A KEG. Like, one of the big wooden barrels, had to be rolled up to the door. Methinks that's more than a 6-pack a day... ;) (okay, so beer was probably safer than water to drink as far as microbes were concerned... still, one wonders if that's not how moms used to get through the first week or two!)
Okay, so the midwife also told my great-grandma that she wasn't allowed to laugh for several days, or her pelvis wouldn't rejoin properly (I don't know if it was separated or not, but great-grandma laughed her a** off anyway, mainly over the misunderstandings caused by the midwife's thick Cockney accent).
BTW, I didn't sleep with some kids, did with others. Twins, I slept or ate - survival mode! Mr B, I read or watched tv. Mr G, no recollection - probably slept sometimes, did stuff other times. I think 'tend yourself when the baby sleeps' is best for me. And man, if I knew how great it would be to have help, I'd have done that more before the twins (but we think we don't 'need' help with singletons. BAH. Help ROCKS, as long as it is actually HELP.)...
Loving the stories here. Oh, man, so glad to be done. And so glad I did it, too - walking Miss M and Miss R over to the bus stop (Mr B's stop) so they could play with him before the bus came, and having them howl like wolves on the corner before they got there, continuing the game of 'wolves and prey' they've been playing with him (like tag, only there are multiple wolves and only one person running away from them - good for when there is an age split, so the youngers can gang up a little and sometimes win). Just seeing the continuity of life through their eyes... mmm. good stuff.
Posted by: hedra | October 20, 2009 at 03:01 PM
I remember saying to my mom, "Only 17 years, 11 months, and 24 days until he's no longer my responsibility."
Posted by: Moxie | October 20, 2009 at 03:04 PM
Yes, forgive yourself. Yes, take as much help as possible, especially in the form of pre-cooked meals and errands. Be flexible, let go of your pre-conceived notions of what will work and what it will be like. Learn to feed while lying down. Find a support group that is actually supportive, not judgemental. If you're bfing, and something's not working, call the hospital or LLL and get some help over the phone.
And if you find yourself just needing to get away for a bit, that is more than OK. The best and worst moment of the first week for me was spent in tears on the floor of the post office talking to my sister. Followed shortly thereafter by telling my husband to get the copy of "The Baby Whisperer" the hell out of my house.
We did 'round the clock feedings that first week, and I still remember sitting in the glider all night long, watching a stop light up the hill change green, yellow, red, over and over, and thinking that with each cycle of the light a little part of my sanity was slipping away. It came back, eventually. :)
Posted by: CaliBoo | October 20, 2009 at 03:08 PM
My worst advice was all around my first child, who would. not. be. put. down. for the first three months of her life. Those people who said I just had to get her used to being put down? I DIDN'T THINK OF THAT AND TRY IT A MILLION TIMES! Kudos go to my MIL who I gave free reign to try herself, and she came back to me later that same day and said, "She just does not want to be put down!" She totally did try it and saw that it was just not going to happen for my girl and then was absolutely supportive of what we needed to do.
A special bad phrase award to my dad who said, "You have to break her of that!" He means well, but it came out wrong. I didn't let it slide, though, and responded to him, "She's not a horse, Dad! We aren't going to 'break her' of anything. But we are working on it with her."
Best advice was from this site basically saying not to worry about letting her sleep in the swing (only place she'd sleep not on someone, and only at night).
Best phrase award, also from this site, goes to Shandra, who once wrote in a comment, "I'd rather err on the side of kindness and love" (or something similar). That became my mantra for getting through our difficult 4 month regression through 9 month regression.
Second baby has been much easier.
Oh, and I liked sleeping most of the time when the baby slept. But not every time, as I also needed showers and to eat and to go online and feel normal. But I'm big on the naps.
Posted by: caramama | October 20, 2009 at 03:08 PM
Damn right it's hard work! I'm terrified to do it a second time even though I survived the first time and totally adore my child. :P
Posted by: Ewokmama | October 20, 2009 at 03:21 PM
Erin, you can do it! (Heck, you already are!)
The biggest thing for me w/ both first and second babies was getting enough sleep. I did take some naps while the kids slept. I also started going to bed much earlier. At first, I didn't think to do this so was going to bed at 11 p.m.ish, then getting woken up at least two or three times a night. Even if I was in bed (we had the kids in a co-sleeper next to the bed) for eight hours, it felt more like 5-6 hours. When I started getting to bed by 9:30 p.m., in those early months, I felt like I had that much more energy to face the day. To this day, even with a 3 and 1 year old, sleep is a crucial issue for me. My coping skills just go down the toilet if I'm not rested.
Good luck!
Posted by: ann | October 20, 2009 at 03:23 PM
You guys don't make this parenting thing sound much fun!! Maybe I don't need a baby after all....
Posted by: Allison | October 20, 2009 at 03:25 PM
Erin,
Congratulations! Yes, it's hard. And it does not get easier (no matter what anyone says), just different.
Encourage people to bring you food.
Sitting and staring at your baby all day is extremely productive.
You will sleep again, just never as deeply as you used to.
Do not buy any dry clean only or handwash clothing.
Hold that baby for as long as you want. And then some.
Bathing, yourself or the baby, is overrated.
Let your baby sleep anywhere - wear him if you have to - so that you can sleep, at least a little.
Breastfeeding is hard.
Sing.
Take pictures.
Love, love, love that baby!
Posted by: heather | October 20, 2009 at 03:28 PM
I'm sure I'm repeating here. I'm really sorry. I don't have time to read all the comments, though I'd love to. I'm dealing with the flu and I don't have much time.
Anyway, excuses done with: I was shocked to discover after giving birth how much recovery time there was for ME, and how hard it was even to do easy stuff, like, say, get dressed, when so much of me hurt, or was stretched out and weak, or not in the right place (breasts, I'm talking to you!). Nobody told me that I was going to be so physically sidelined after birth. I expected tired, but I didn't expect wounded.
My birth was hard, hours of pushing, very strenuous (well, whose isn't strenuous?). But even given that, it seems like a well-kept secret that Mom needs physical recovery after giving birth. Or maybe I was just shockingly naive.
I didn't get a lot of bad/ridiculous advice immediately post-partum, but the most important and valuable advice I got (and took) was Sleep When The Baby Sleeps! Everybody says it, and IME hardly anyone does it. Seriously, screw the laundry, the dishes, visitors, the EVERYTHING and every time that little angel closes her eyes, you close yours too. It's the best thing you can do for both of you. And no guilt allowed! You just made a human being, you deserve a rest.
Posted by: maria | October 20, 2009 at 03:34 PM
I'm just loving everyone's responses! You all are making me laugh so hard!
@Allison - It was so worth, I went and had another one! Sometimes the best things in life are the hardest, and IMO having a baby is one of those things.
One thing I always keep in mind through infertility issues, rough pregnancies and the very hard infant stage is that the point isn't to get pregnant, be pregnant or have a baby. It is to have a child. One that grows into a little person and then a big person. You've got to keep the long-term goal in mind!
Posted by: caramama | October 20, 2009 at 03:35 PM
Ditto all ya'll on the ridiculousness of sleeping when baby sleeps, at least in the first few weeks. I remember that my husband used to nag me about it - remember, you're supposed to sleep when he sleeps. But I couldn't figure out how to get everything done! Baby fed every 1-2 hours for 45 minutes a feeding, and only slept for 45 minutes at a time, maybe an hour. During that time I had to eat, drink, and excruciatingly move to the bathroom for a sitz bath which was the only thing that made life bearable in the weeks following my 2nd-3rd degree tearing. I remember feeling guilty the whole first month of his life that I couldn't "get more done" during the day - no dinners made, no laundry done, no showers, nothing until DH came home. I spent all day every day on the couch with the beanie, holding him and watching tv or reading. But I didn't have to hold him. I wanted to hold him. Being able to spend that time hunkered down snuggled close to him, taking him in - those were moments of quiet joy, admist the pain, exhaustion, & screaming. I can see why getting out of the house might be crucial for some new mothers, but for me (for the first month) I just wanted to nest. I have such bittersweet mixed memories of those days. Hopefully more sweet than bitter, because I've apparently signed up to do it all again (this time + toddler - I'm 10 wks pregnant). I was one of the lucky ones who got strong surges of good hormonal magic from nursing, and that's what kept me sane (turns out sleep deprivation makes me kind of insane).
Best advice: Trust your instincts. You know what's best for you and your baby.
Posted by: Erin | October 20, 2009 at 03:40 PM
I wanted to add to the great comments that I do not like babies. I don't! And shockingly, that's only one-two years out of 18.
Oh yes, I love and loved my son, cuddled and cooed at him and all that, and yes, I was glad to have him in the world but I. do. not. like. babies. I am a better mom to my 4 year old. Other people are better at different stages. (They can come if I have another! Here, you nurture the little bizarre creature who must. suckle.)
Caring for a baby, while I'd do it again, is not my thing. The first year is looong. At least the next time, if I'm lucky, I'll really really know that it ENDS.
Posted by: Shandra | October 20, 2009 at 03:50 PM
Ooh, this is always my favorite motherhood topic. Because my world was ROCKED like nothing else when my daughter was born. I'd tried like hell for 5 years to get pregnant and thought once the baby came it would sunshine and rainbows forever more. And wow...it so wasn't like that! It was hard! I was tired! I missed my old life where I could sleep whenever I wanted and my hooha didn't feel like a mack truck had run through it. I felt immense guilt for being so miserable and I had no perspective, it felt like it would never get easy or enjoyable. I really don't even think I had PPD, a serious case of the baby blues, yes. It's just a hard adjustment, no matter how much you wanted it! I was convinced DD would be an only child, I knew there was no way I could ever go through that again.
By the 2 month mark things had changed dramatically. I felt reasonably confident in my abilities. I was getting some decent sleep (which just makes a huge difference in every way). By 6 months, I chuckled to myself about my massive freakout when she was born. It really does get better and better. I promise.
Posted by: lisa | October 20, 2009 at 03:54 PM
I did the same "oh god, what have I done? why? can't I go back?" thing at around this point with #1. It gets better, otherwise our species would have died out.
Get out of the house when you can, especially in winter. It seems heroic now, but it'll get easier to get out and about. Even a walk around the block in the daylight will help you feel human.
And definitely use the rule "do what you want when the baby sleeps." My stress level went way up in a messy, dirty house so taking advantage of a nap to clean the kitchen made me feel better than a 20 min nap of my own.
Posted by: Elizabeth | October 20, 2009 at 03:54 PM
I agree with tk_zk, that whole nipple confusion thing has got to be a myth. I also have never met or heard of anyone who found it to be true!
And for what it's worth, the beer thing is a myth too. See here: http://www.drgreene.com/21_1907.html
Posted by: seadragon | October 20, 2009 at 03:55 PM
Reposting my facebook comment here: After our daughter was born 2 years ago, we quickly adapted the mantra, "Everyone must eat; everyone must sleep." It didn't matter HOW we accomplished it. Breastfeeding, bottles, mac n cheese (this morning she had chips for breakfast). Short naps, sleep rotation, co-sleeping. Just eat and sleep. Repeat. It will get easier, but it is very, very hard work!
Posted by: www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=9363059 | October 20, 2009 at 03:57 PM
Drink water. Drink juice. Drink. Just keep hydrated.
I felt so much better when hydrated. That and it makes the first few "go's" ALOT easier. Your body is bruised in there and doesn't want to pass anything so try to help it out.
Try to get some sun, even if you only walk with the new baby to the mailbox in the morning. Sunshine is an amazing mood lifter.
Oh and my Gram gave me the best advice of all. "Dress the baby in as much or as little as you are wearing, you'll be able to regulate their comfort based on yours."
And like Mox said, just do what works for you. It isn't easy but you WILL make it.
Hugs Erin!
Posted by: Eveanyn | October 20, 2009 at 04:00 PM