Q&A: equal time custody arrangement data points

A writes:

"As my ex and I try to work toward a more long term custody plan, I am struggling to envision how a 50/50 custody plan and various arrangements will work in practice. My network hasn't turned up anyone with an actual 50/50 or even close to that plan. So I would really appreciate it if you could help me to locate some folks with experience with this sort of arrangement. I'm trying to think about what will work for the kids in terms of time, predictability, etc as well as what will let me feel like an genuinely engaged parent and to have some kind of social life. I have realized that I'm struggling with giving up time with my kids, how to help me and them to adjust and feel good about whatever we agree to. But I also have practical questions like do you split up weekends and how does that work on a practical level?"

This is a great question for today because I'm sick and can't muster much of an answer, which is convenient because I'm not allowed to talk about my divorce details on the internet because of a clause in my settlement agreement anyway.

I think I can say that we don't have 50/50. I wish we did. But living in New York with housing the way it is it's not super-practical, plus our work schedules would make it really hard. New York makes parenting, especially two-household parenting, brutal in a lot of ways.

I do know some other parents who do an alternating 3/4 schedule, with three nights at one parents' house, then 4 nights at the other's, with one night swinging so the next week it's 4/3. (If that made no sense, somebody please explain in the comments better.)

I also know people who do two nights at one parent's, the next two at the other parent's, and then alternate weekends. But this really only works because they live two blocks from each other.

I've heard of people who do alternating weeks, and it seems like that would kind of rock from all sides, especially if the parents lived close so the kids had the same lives the whole time, just different dinner companions (because that's what it boils down to anyway, as anyone with with WOH parents and kids in school full-time can attest).

I think, because I know A and her situation, that she could also use a little reassurance that it will all be OK. And that her kids won't come untethered to her if they aren't in the same house every day. And that the kids will come through this to be able to form healthy intimate attachments. And that she herself will go on to a happy life.

So, thoughts, please? I'm going to drink some TheraFlu.

Comments

[Anon]

Tess at trueishstory.blogspot.com seems to have a 50/50 custody relationship. She has written about it on her blog if you're interested.

[Deborah]

We settled on week on/off. The switch is Monday at school (meaning, I drop off then ex picks up). On my week without my daughter, I pick up 2 x and have dinner with her and take her back to ex's and get her into bed (while he is out). Most weekends the person who doesn't "have" her comes and picks her up and has her for half a day or so, breakfast and playtime.

This works well because we live about 10 minutes from each other, don't have horrible commutes to and from work, my exand I get along okay, and we have only been split for about 9 months (no new partners/spouses to worry about) Plus I get to see her a lot even though she isn't "with" me, and I have entire weekend with her so no splitting hertime or mine on weekend except by choice.

[Brooke]

I only know adults who had 50/50 splits as the kids. They (both) hated it. A week long vacation with one parent would then throw the whole rest of the month off for the kid making that time up. Plus there was the feeling of both parents keeping score.

[CrazyMama]

No data points from me today just big hugs to all those parents doing it alone.

[Kate]

This all seems really complicated to me.

My parents divorced when I was 2 (1977) and lived in different states thereafter. (Full custody with mom.) It generally worked out to 1 weekend a month, 1 month a year (August), and Xmas-New Year's week with dad until I was 15 and moved cross country.

I definitely appreciate the concept of joint custody, but as a "child of divorce" (gah!), the idea of flipping back and forth
every couple of days or every week would make me crazy. As much as the two parents try to be on the same page re: rules, discipline, etc., it can never be 100%. It is hard to be the same kid in both places.

Of course not sharing time is hard on the parent who gets less. I don't know, I guess I don't have a good answer other than trying to factor in the kids' sensitivities and to try to work out a way to change it over time as life changes, kids grow up, etc.

[anon for this]

My half sister (mom's daughter from second marriage) had a 50/50 split that was put in place a couple of years after her parents' divorce, so probably started when she was about school age.

She did a version of the 3/4 split that Moxie mentioned, but it was really an alternating 5/2 and 2/5 (as I recall). Every Monday and Tuesday with Mom; every Thursday and Friday with Dad; Wednesdays and weekends alternated. So Week 1 the schedule was Sat, Sun, Mon, Tues, Wed with Mom and Th, Fri with Dad. Week 2 the schedule was Mon and Tues with Mom and Wed - Sun with dad. School was the transition space.

The divorce was tense and the super technical, super 'fair' model helped my sister's father get over his pain in a lot of ways.

It required a certain amount of organization on my young sister's part (an stint in Montessori preschool helped a lot). By the time she was in high school she definitely struggled with the tit-for-tat nature of the schedule and it would have been nice if the two households could have let it go, but it wasn't possible. There still is a certain expectation of equality that seems really dumb now that she is out of college and living on her own in another state. But whatever. Some aspects of divorce never really get healed.

Until then, it actually was a pretty good arrangement, I think. She got longer stretches with both families. Her father remarried and she got to really be a part of that family. She got lots of one on one time with our mom (and me when I was around). I think she liked not having to be the same kid in both places.

Transition days could be tough since she had to make sure everything moved from one house to another -- musical instrument, sports equipment, etc. -- _but_ because the "fairness" made things less tense everyone was okay with the occasional dash (20 minutes each way?) across town to pick things up. Or one parent would bring the soccer cleats and the other parent would bring the soccer player to the field and they would be happily united and play the game.

Maybe I'll send her over to respond herself, but that was my sense of it...

[snickollet]

I know some parents where it's the kid who stays put, and the parents alternate week on/week off in the same house as the kid. Each adult then has a separate residence, for a total of three homes: one for the kid and one for each parent.

Obviously, there are a lot of logistical and financial issues around this, but I've heard of it working for some people. Sorry I can't point you to any sites with personal stories.

[albe]

A couple of friends of mine have flipped the arrangement in that the kids get to live in their house 100% of the time, and the parents switch off who stays with them.

When I heard of this I thought it was brilliant, if possibly too difficult/expensive for some people to pull off, but it seems like it would be so much better for a lot of kids. I was a child of divorce and hated, hated switching back and forth. My dad's house was never "my" house and I was homesick for my house every time I had to leave it. I hated staying somewhere else. My sister and I put up with it just fine, and did it for over a decade, but even when I was in high school I despised having to go to my dad's house because I just wanted to be at home, wanted that sense of security. If our parents could have somehow switched off and left us in our own house the whole time, it would have been so much less disruptive and stressful for us as kids.

[CaliBoo]

I don't have any experience with divorce and custody, but as I was reading the question, I was thinking: 1) sounds like a lot of keeping track of things and 2)parenting within a marriage isn't particularly 50/50, anyways. Seems like a LOT of pressure to come up with an even split, like trying to break a cookie in exact halves.

[sarah]

When I have considered divorce I have always thought we would do our best to keep our son's life as stable as possible and let us be the one's flip flopping between residences. I envision an apartment for the 'off' parent to sleep at and the house staying the same for 'on' parent and child. Even if just temporarily as moving a 3 year old back and forth constantly seems tortuous. What really is in the best interest of the child? Can a 50/50 split with all that back and forth really be in their best interest? I find that impossible to believe.

[Tess]

Anon is right, we DO have a 50/50 arrangement, and it works well for us.

We do the two days with one parent/two days with another and every-other weekend thing.

So, my ex has my daughter on Mon/Tues, I have her every Wed/Thurs, and we switch off every other weekend.

Also, we do dropoffs from school only. That way we never go to each others homes, or really even see each other for that matter.

EX: This week I picked up my daughter on Wed evening from daycare. Since it's my ex's weekend with her, I will drop her off on Friday morning and pick her back up next Wed evening. Then I will keep her until the following Monday morning. Etc.

We do live close to each other, but with the school dropoff scenario it doesn't really matter. I should add that my daughter is not yet school-aged, so things may need to change when she is older, although if we still live close to each other I don't see why it wouldn't work.

On a personal note, Moxie is right. Things will be FINE. I find that my life is actually less stressful and more balanced now, as I have more time to myself and I'm more present when I DO have my daughter, because I'm not focusing on the errands/housework/etc. that I can get done when she's with her dad.

Hang in there.

[sorry]

I know this isn't what the poster wants to hear, but here goes...

I grew up with many friends whose parents were divorced (including mine). As a child, it seemed to me that the children least happy with their arrangements were the 50/50 kids who had to switch houses every week. They felt like they were always in transit and didn't really have a home.

Always having to plan a week in advance about what you might want to have with you, what you might feel like wearing/reading/playing with, school project materials lugged back and forth, friendships that had to exist one week on/one week off, etc. They definitely valued their relationships with both parents, but did not like the traveling.

As an adult I worked for 15 years at a high school. The children with the 50/50 splits traveling from one house to another seemed most unmoored, most under stress and definitely the most able to pull the wool over their parents eyes in terms of the what they were getting up to. (and trust me, even high schoolers who seem totally together and responsible get up to stuff you would not believe!)

In principle, it seems like 50/50 would be the equitable choice and best protect each child-parent relationship, but in reality I think it is the most difficult arrangement for children, especially children who struggle with transition, change, and discontinuity.

I would never want to be the parent with less time, but I think in 50/50 arrangements, the child pays the price to protect the parents' feelings.

[SarcastiCarrie]

My secretary's new husband had a 50-50 split with his ex-wife and the kids. It seemed miserable to me, but they seemed to think it was fine.

Here's how it worked: The switched week on-week off at 10 am on Sunday in the parking lot of the McDonald's halfway between their relatively close houses.
On the weeks with Dad, the kids did soccer, religious classes and attended before and after school care a the Y.
On weeks with their mom, the kids did soccer in a different league/team (they couldn't agree which league to sign the kids up so they each did their own thing...I think the Dad signed up first..and then the kids got in trouble in both leagues for missing too many practices and games), no CCD/Relgigious classes with mom (so they had to make them up solo on their weeks with dad), and no before and after care at the Y (and somehow the Y didn't make them pay for the off weeks). The kids didn't shuttle anything back and forth. They had separate toys and clothes at each house and were always returned to the other house wearing the same clothes and shoes they came in (and were not allowed to wear those clothes and shoes while at the other house because no one wanted the kids to "wear out" the other parents clothes and then have to send them home in new shoes they had bought). Both parents would get the kids' hair cut (sometimes in the same week or two). The kids rode different buses to/from school depending on the week. Two sets of school fundraiser forms had to come home because they couldn't agree on who would pick/distribute the popcorn and wrapping paper.

They all thought this worked well. It seemed terribly confrontational to me.

[SarcastiCarrie]

I have divorced parents. I spent T/Th evenings and overnight Saturday with my dad for many years (until I was in HS and had a job and extracurriculuars....although I still spent Saturday nights there). It was fine.
I have a good relationship with my dad.

My mother handled many things poorly in her life, but this was OK (although you would think that with that much free time to have as an adult I would not have needed to be exposed to her gentleman friends...I didn't even know my dad had a live-in girlfriend for years because she would stay with her sister on Saturday nights. They have been married 17 years now and I know they live together ;) ).

[Tess]

I should add:

I agree that a 50/50 arrangement is probably easier and most beneficial to all parties when the child is younger. I would certainly be open to considering different arrangements when my daughter is older (she's only 3).

My parents are divorced as well, and my dad had the typical (for the time) every-other-weekend arrangement. I would say it worked fine for me as a child, but then again I would ALSO say that my dad didn't really know me very well and that my mom was very stressed and NOT very present as a single mother.

But, of course, that is only one singular experience and there were other contributing factors. Enjoying and appreciate all of the comments so far.

[Dr. Confused]

It seems interesting that few of the posters above talking about their own childhoods have siblings, while it seems the original poster has more than one kid. I never did the 50/50 thing (did the every other weekend thing until age 12 when my father started sailing), but I have an odd suggestion.

One thing few divorced parents get is time with one child at a time. What would happen if you shifted the child-handoff day by one if you have two children? For example, if you do it weekly, one child shifts on a Tuesday and the other on a Wednesday. Then each kid gets one day a week alone with each parent, while spending the other 5 days a week with their sibling.

Just an idea. Don't know if it would work for your family, or at all for anyone's family.

[SarcastiCarrie]

Dr. Confused: I do have a sister. She did T/Th evenings and overnight Saturdays with me until she moved in with my Dad permanently. When that happened, I hardly ever saw her (she had an afterschool job on T/Th and an active social life on Saturday nights and did not do the reverse visiting to my mom's house on M/W, overnight Friday). She was probably 11 or 12 when my parents divorced. She was about 14 or 15 when she moved in with Dad. I think the divorce was harder on her than me (7 or 8 at the time).

[Kim]

A discussion of 50/50 shared custody by a blogger I (also) read frequently took place here recently; thought the stories, opinions and experiences might be of interest for some:

http://www.babble.com/CS/blogs/homework/archive/2009/09/29/Divorce_2C00_-custody_2C00_-Parenting.aspx

[Tess]

I have a sister as well. We both had the same visitation schedule with my dad.

Interesting point about getting alone time with each child. I think in my case I probably had MORE alone time with each parent than I would have if my parents were married, because many times (especially jr. high/high school on)either my sister or I would not go to my dad's due to various activities, leaving one of us with mom, one of us with dad.

[Fiona]

I was on a 50/50 schedule as a kid, from the time I was about 6 until I chose to live with my mother at nearly 15. It was fine. I'm fine.

I literally moved from my mother's to my father's house every week on Sunday, and had double sets of things like clothes at each house. Yes, the rules were different, but I considered that a good thing. Frankly, I think I grew up more flexible with regard to household rules (ie, understanding that they are somewhat arbitrary and reflect the values of the household head rather than that they represent some kind of rock-solid moral ground) than I would have been, otherwise.

My parents had an iron-clad agreement not to say negative things about each other, so I did not have to "deal" with their divorce in some ways. And I had two homes to enjoy, each very different from the other.

I had a sister, but she had a different custody arrangement because she had a different father. And I eventually had 2 step-siblings, which was fine.

It's not hard to imagine that for some kids the disruption would be problematic. But to be honest - I always felt sorry for my many friends whose parents fought incessantly. In my house(s), there wasn't that kind of yelling and anger. So I considered myself lucky.

[anon for this one]

My parents divorced when I was about 13 and my brother was 11. We started off with some kind of 3/4 and 4/3 arrangement, but my brother and I hated it because the switching happened too often. We suggested and our parents agreed to do alternating weeks, switching on Sundays, and that worked great for us. I had my "main" bedroom at my mom's and my brother had his at my dad's, and then we each had a more temporary type space at the opposite parent's house. This might not have worked well if we had been very little - I don't have great advice to offer on that situation.

The most important thing to me was that both parents felt it was important to spend time with us. They made sure to live close together (across town, but no further), and they were both reasonable when discussing custody issues (like if one wanted to take us on vacation or needed to alter the timing for a given week). And they didn't badmouth each other in front of us.

As an adult I really don't feel my parents' divorce actually affected me that much, but it did affect my brother more (perhaps because he was younger, or his gender, or temperament - he was not a talker and I am, so he probably kept stuff inside that I was able to work through by talking about it).

I, too, consider myself very lucky.

[mom2boys]

My parents divorced when I was very young - about a year - and we had the traditional every other weekend swap. The best part looking back as an adult was that my dad never ever made me feel like I was a hassle for him. That the hour drive each way was the thing he most wanted to do on his Fridays and Sundays. And probably it was but it still had to suck and he never ever let on that it did. I never felt bad about my parents being divorced. I felt bad about my mom's subsequent divorces so maybe it does get harder as the child gets older or maybe she just didn't handle things as well as my dad. I have a wonderful relationship with my dad now. While he wasn't involved in my day to day life he was never "absent".

Our nine year old spends every other weekend and one night a week at his dad's. They have been divorced since he was two. Sometimes he seems to be handling it fine, sometimes there are tears over not being able to spend more time at Dad's. I will say that his divorced parents do not do a good job with making him feel like coming to get him or taking him back to either parent is not a hassle. If there is any one piece of advice I would give, it's to suck it up and take it for your child's sake. Not abuse, of course, but just the suckiness of being divorced. It's really not their fault and they shouldn't have to feel bad about their parents failings.

And one more thing - my dad never said one bad thing about my mom and there was lots, lots to be said if he had wanted. Honestly answered my questions as I got older but never in a negative way. I hear from divorced parent friends that they are afraid their child will be hoodwinked by the other parent if they don't tell the kids the truth about when the other parent drops the ball and they (the much maligned parent) have to pick it up (over and over again). See suck it up statement from above. Just my two cents.

[Laura]

My next-door neighbor (the dad) has a 50/50 arrangement and it seems to work well, from what I see. My boys are great friends with his and we see a lot of them. He and his ex-wife both live in town and tweak the schedule when necessary (work travel, special family occasions, vacations, etc.). He has every other weekend (which includes Fridays), Mondays, and Wednesdays. The kids' mom has every other weekend, Tuesdays, and Thursdays. I'm sure there's a lot I don't see, but the kids are happy and well-adjusted. Best of luck to you, A!

[Nancy]

I like the idea of letting the kids stay in the family home, and the parents switch out. Give the kids as much stability as possible without feeling like they have to choose between their parents. I wish I were given that option when I was a kid.

[mom2boys]

I am fine, too, relatively speaking. It's not the divorce. It's everything that comes after - and how your parents parent you through it that can have a negative impact. I suppose living in a non-divorced toxic household would have it's own negative impact. Aim to be the healthiest person you can be and your kids will pick up on that no matter where they live on any day of the week. And I fully realize that all of this is so much easier to say than do. Like most of life.
Okay, I'm done now.

[Julie]

How timely as we are in the midst of dealing with this ourselves. We decided to divorce in August, and my ex moved out in September. We have a “50-50” schedule set up, but it’s not really 50-50 since the kids are sleeping with me most (okay, pretty much all) of the time. My kids are 4 and 9 months, so obviously the 9 month old isn’t doing any overnights. The 4 year old is not interested in doing any overnights at this point, but every week we pack a bag and act as if it will happen.

Here is how things are scheduled for us (but keep in mind that it rarely happens this way as of yet):
Before the divorce, my ex took the older to preschool every day. We felt it was important to maintain that routine, so every morning I drop older off at his dad’s house by 7:00. We have other arrangements for the baby, so after I drop older off, I drop the baby off where he belongs before going to work myself. This happens Monday through Friday, so my ex has our older son for 1-1 time every day for a couple hours (school starts around 9:00).

On Mondays and Fridays, my ex picks him up from school and takes him out to dinner before bringing him home. Fridays are his night to sleep over if he wants, but so far every Friday he has wanted to come home to sleep. My ex is really sad about this, but we both feel strongly that we don’t want to force the issue until he is ready to do it.

On Tuesdays and Wednesdays, my older son spends after school time with his grandparents, who are happily married and incredibly involved in his life. Both my ex and I agree that this time is so important for him to spend time in a house where the marriage is happy and healthy. Plus, they do a lot of fun projects that only retired grandparents could muster the courage to tackle. He comes home to me those nights after dinner.

On Thursdays I pick up older from school and we spend the afternoon together at home with his brother doing our usual home routine. This is hard for me to not see him much in the afternoons for 4 days out of the week….but I have him most of the weekends, so for now this works. It also gives me some alone time after the baby goes to sleep but before older gets home, which is great since I’m not getting any at any other time of the week. It’s just about an hour, but it is enough to save my sanity most of the time.

On weekends, technically my ex is scheduled to pick older up from school every Friday, spend the afternoon with him and then they spend the night together and a half-day on Saturday. Since my ex works a lot of weekends, this works out with his work schedule too. Older is brought home around noon on Saturday and I have him for the remainder of the weekend until I drop him off at his dad’s again on Monday morning before school.

You might be wondering about the baby. The baby is with me all the time when I’m not working, so I have him every afternoon from about 3:00 until his bedtime at 6. He spends just Fridays during the day with his dad instead of at his other day care. This is their quality time together, and for now it’s not so different than it was when we were living together. I have him all weekend, every weekend. It’s really difficult for his dad to have both kids at the same time, though he DOES have them both for a couple hours on Friday mornings before school when the baby goes to him for the day. He’s getting better, and as the baby gets older I think things will get better there too.

The hardest thing we are navigating right now is the STUFF. Older becomes very upset when something gets left at the other house. My ex is not great with details, so this happens more frequently than I would like. We can’t afford to buy two of everything, so we need a better system for the management of the stuff – toys mostly. When you are four and sad about the fact that Dad doesn’t live at home anymore, the most concrete way to express that sadness is through your toys and things you love that represent home. I will be reading the comments today very closely as I just don’t know how to figure out how to manage this just yet.

Also difficult is the fact that since no overnights are happening yet, the Saturday time seems to get scrapped more often than not. While part of me is happy to have both of my boys sleeping at home with me every night and with me on the weekends, it is really hard to have them both for every minute of every day of every weekend without a break. But I am hopeful this is something we can work through.

The last difficult thing is our son’s lack of desire to spend time with his dad. This is not new – even when we lived together, if I had to go somewhere and leave him home with his dad, it was problematic. I suspect it’s because his dad doesn’t engage with him in the way that is fun for him…..but it’s causing problems now. Even when my ex has scheduled time to be with him on a Saturday, we face the problem of talking our son into spending time with his dad. It involves a lot of crying and whining and sometimes it’s just heartbreaking for my ex and more than he can handle, so he just quits and brings him home, which perpetuates the problem, I believe.

So. We have a lot of work to do. But this is what we have in place right now. Hardly 50-50 in real life, but on paper it’s pretty close. I think our mediator has it as 52% with me and 48% with my ex.

As a child of divorce, I spent only every other weekend with my dad and no other time with him at all. This was not nearly enough time, and then he moved out of state and I didn’t see him for years. So while my ex has some challenges with lengthy amounts of time with one or both kids, if he can see them almost every day for a little bit of time….that is better than every other weekend in my book.

[hush]

Hugs to all of you struggling to figure so much logistical/emotional stuff out!

Just chiming in to reassure A that she & her child will be fine! While I'm not a child of divorce (BTW, I hate the term, too!), I'm a child of parents who "stayed together for the kid" in a loveless, soul-sucking, emotionally-abusive marriage, punctuated by the occasional screaming blow-out where dad left for a few days, then came back but nothing was ever addressed and no one seemed to care how it was affecting me. And I turned out ok thanks to some good therapy (!!), though I still deal with the repercussions of that nearly every day of my adult life. Long winded way of saying "Divorced" does not equal failure and damaged kids - it all about how we handle the bumps of life. Best wishes to you!

[Moxie]

Caliboo, in healthy marriages people don't worry about things being 50/50. People get divorced because the relationships aren't healthy.

I bet you could predict which couples will split up by seeing how much natural shifting goes on and how much resentment and scorekeeping happens in the relationship.

Everything's different in a relationship that won't stay together. I'm *still* amazed when I spend time around healthy couples at the stuff that I never knew happened, or thought was normal that isn't, etc.

It's like living in a parallel world underground.

[definitely anontoday]

No time to read comments--sorry if I repeat. From my kid-of-divorce experience, I wish my parents had sent me to therapy or something, just to have a neutral person to talk to. And my parents had a really amicable, pleasant divorce. So the therapy wish is NOT an indictment, it's just a wish to have had permission to be a bit out of sorts sometimes without everybody else taking it personally.

I've got inlaws who do 50/50--2 days, then 2 days, then every other weekend. It ends up being a 2 day/5 day swing, if that makes sense. Seems to work well for them--I'd've hated that as a kid, but it might have been better in the long run for me, despite any complaining I might have done.

Also, despite my occasional wishes for therapy, or more time with one parent, or more people to be relaxed, or what-have-you, everything in my family has turned out fine. Divorce is hard, but so are lots of other things. Heck, I wish I didn't have asthma; then maybe I'd know how to exercise. I'm just saying it's an imperfect world, and that is often what makes things turn out for the best, too, even if it takes a few years to see the tangible part of the payoff. (This was hard to write; I really do think everyone in my family did their best and we are all very lucky and lucky to all be so full of love, no matter what constellation shape we've arrived at. So this is not advice, just a data point. But you knew that.)

[SarcastiCarrie]

Moxi - I want to know more about the healthy couples stuff and what is normal and what isn't.
Not having any role models (at all) of adults in healthy first marriages, I have no idea. I think my marriage is ok (now), but how would I even know?

I had a similar question a few months ago about how involved a parent should be in a child's life at various ages since I had no parenting role models and my parents were comically uninvolved (and I feel like involved parents are overinvolved, which is probably not true).

[Julie]

Haha Moxie...I'm still amazed when I am with healthy couples at how much they enjoy each other's company. When one does or says something that would have caused major stress in my marriage, I cringe and get ready to hit the deck...only to see the other partner laugh and kiss his/her partner and say something like "isn't she cute?"

It's stunning and sad and incredibly uplifting.

[cass]

My parents split up when I was 3, and we had a 50/50 arrangement that worked out to every other night and every other weekend. (M/W with one, T/TH with the other, alternating weekends) -- this had a lot to do with my mom's need to have some clear evenings (the same day each week) for work, otherwise they might have considered alternating weeks instead. I think doing 2 days at a time might have been a bit less chaotic, but it all worked out. This was our arrangement from preschool (so far as I can remember, anyway) through junior high. In HS, I got tired of it (the back and forth and the logistics b/c of where my dad lived) and requested that I do less switching, so I stayed at my Dad's just Mondays and alternating weekends, and the weekends were flexible depending on circumstances. Thankfully, no one seemed to take this personally so it didn't become an issue.

My mom often says she thinks this arrangement made me especially well organized, and able to think things out several steps in advance (e.g. what do I need to bring with me now since I won't be back here for 2 days).

I think the things that are most important are the attitudes and expectations -- my parents did a good job of sucking up the inconvenience, so I didn't feel like I was a burden being passed back and forth, and they were flexible with the schedule when circumstances dictated, and they worked out ways for me to share holidays and special occasions so I didn't have to do everything twice or juggle them. (e.g. we would sometimes go out to dinner all together for my birthday or after a school event, and they kept things friendly for those occasions. They also worked together for things like my birthday parties and such.)

Gah. Didn't realize I had so much to say about that.

[MrsHaley]

I'm with @SarcastiCarrie ... I want to hear more about those healthy/unhealthy/normal/dysfunctional observations (like what Julie said). I'm the child of an intact, successful marriage (between two people who were both married before they married each other) and so is my husband (his parents' first marriage only), but because children are shielded from/ignorant of the machinations of marriage, I, too, feel like I THINK we're doing ok but I really have no way of measuring.

So my (and SarcastiCarrie's?) o/t threadjack is this: what do those of you who are divorce veterans see when you look at marriages that seem healthy to you? The caveat is, of course, that we all have our problems others never see ... What kinds of behaviors do you see in functioning couples that you did not see in your own marriage as it was failing (or all along, that you maybe never realized were unhealthy)? What do you *think* are the differences behind closed doors? Moxie, I would love to hear more about this from you, but totally understand if you can't give examples or observations due to your personal legal constraints.

[MrsHaley]

I think my comment got eaten.

To summarize: What @SarcastiCarrie said. I want to hear more about healthy/unhealthy observations from people who've been there, too.

[hydrogeek]

Moxie, this may be more than you can do if you aren't allowed to discuss things, but I would also like to know what sorts of things you see that are normal/not normal in healthy couples. I don't feel like I've been around much in the way of role models for marriage, although my mom did do a great job of giving me a good road map for parenting.

On the topic at hand: I didn't meet my dad until I was 17, and although it worked out ok for me, I would have to say that I wouldn't recommend it!

[Deborah]

The only comment I have is that I had what I thought (and everyone around me thought) was a healthy, loving relationship. My husband leaving was truly a shock to me and our friends and family. In my experience life doesn't always meet my expectations, so I try to learn and get stronger- and that's the message I try to send my daughter.

[Julie]

I don't think there is anything I can say about what healthy couples look like.....the only people who can assess whether a relationship is happy and healthy are the people who are in them. My ex and I were really good at faking it. He was really good at faking being a loving, supportive, and collaborative parent and husband. No one saw the passive aggressive behavior, heard the yelling, or witnessed the name calling and character assassinations I endured. Everyone thought he was a great, funny, and out-going guy who would grab me and kiss me for no reason, joke with my family and be engaged with his kids when other people were around. And I pretended too. But on the inside I felt like I was living a lie. I worked very hard and very thoughtfully to live that lie.

I think if you feel your relationship is okay, it *is* okay. I was miserable in my marriage. I did not feel like we were friends, I did not trust him - he would wax poetic to others about how wonderful and smart and beautiful I was....but treat me like shit when no one else was around. I did not look forward to going home, when the phone rang and it was him, I would cringe and gear up for an earful. I did not enjoy doing things with him - either alone just the two of us, or with other people. It was not a soft place - or an emotionally safe place - for me to fall. He was not my best friend.

If your relationship is unhealthy, I think you know it and feel it on a very fundamental level. I think it's like going into labor. Until you've actually *felt* it, you just don't know what it will feel like, but when you feel it, you know that's what it is.

But that's just my experience.

[Misc Jenn]

As a divorced kid (when I was 15), I was full-time at my mom's with weekends at dad's whenever I wanted. My senior year my dad moved to the beach and it became full-time at mom's with holidays at dad's (splitting christmas in half, sucked by the way). That said, my dad traveled constantly when I was growing up... even now if I spend more than three days in a row around him I get itchy. So this worked well for us.

On the 50/50 split, the only data point I know is one where the kids leave from school every day with a different parent. They spend one night at mom's and one night at dad's. Very equable, yet HORRENDOUS all around! There's no real stability because they're always changing. There's no chance for the parents to have time to get away and it's led to A LOT of bad blood.

My recommendation would be that if a 50/50 split was in the best interests of everyone (and I don't know if it is)to do one week at one parent and then the next week at the other. I know I'd miss my daughter horribly but personally I think you'd have a better chance for living your life than a "sometimes here, sometimes there" arrangement. Do keep in mind that this should be up for negotiation as time goes by, just because something works now, doesn't mean it will in five years.

Just as a side-note, I have one friend who's parents aren't divorced. It's definitely become the norm in society. Don't think you're ruining your kids, they'll be fine (it just might take awhile for that to settle in).

[CG]

I am not divorced; neither are my parents, my in-laws, or any of my close friends. But I wanted to comment on what Julie said. My marriage is certainly not perfect. My husband isn't home enough. I lose my temper too much and do more of the housework/management than I would like. But he IS my best friend--he's the one I want to tell about my day, to spend more time with, to do things with. He is proud of me and tells me that, and supports me (emotionally, if not practically) in my career. I am ALWAYS happy to see him walk in the door, or to see his number come up on the phone (except when I know he's calling to tell me he's going to be late!).

So, when things are not perfect (and believe me, they're not--we've got a lot of job stress going on right now), that will really help me to calibrate. WE are fine, the marriage is fine, we just have things to work through.

Julie, I'm so sorry that it wasn't like that for you, but I think the way you analyzed the situation was really insightful and probably helpful to a lot of people.

[sarah]

@ Julie - I'm so sorry, and so glad that you are out of that marriage.

[Lawprofmom]

My parents divorced when I was 5 and my sister was 9. My parents attempted a 50/50 split, with both of us girls going together to each house. It was important to my parents that the sisters stay together (and I agree). My parents agreed to remain in the same county, and in fact remained in the same town.

A fair amount of this has to do with the way my parents handled the divorce (poorly). However, both my sister and I HATED the arrangement.

My mom's house was basically "home base." We spent Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday with my mom. We spent Wednesday dinner and the night at my Dad's. He would drop our bags at mom's and us at school Thursday morning and we would spend Thursday night at Mom's. Friday dinner, Friday night, and all day Saturday we spent at Dad's. Saturday evening we returned to Mom in time for dinner.

All clothes and toys stayed at moms. Anything I wanted I had to pack and take to Dads. I'm a fantastic packer. That's the only good thing I can say about it.

Without going into all the things my parents did wrong, I will say that I felt unmoored. The travel was stressful and it was difficult to maintain friendships and a regular routine. I was never 100% integrated into either home, particularly my dad's. (I'm happy to add detail if anyone is interested.) At the age of 16 I refused to move back and forth any further and I moved in permanently with my mom.

It seems these arrangements are often about what is best for the parents, and not what is best for the child/ren.

I've always thought the best plan (for the children) is to let the kids stay in one house with one set of expectations and rules, while the parents move back and forth. I have a vague recollection of a study or article about these arrangements-- they often failed because the parents couldn't handle the back-and-forth and instability in their lives. It astounds me that we ask children to do what adults cannot.

[SarcastiCarrie]

I think ((spit spit patooey)) Jon + Kate are keeping the kids in one place and having the parents move in and out. Not that they are anything like role models for how a couple with children should approach divorce because they are the big, flashing red warning lights about what not to do. So, maybe the parents moving in and out thing is a bad idea.

Logistically, how would that work? Would there be one house and one apartment and the parents just move in and out of each (changing the sheets on Saturday before leaving)? How could people who couldn't stay married possibly share a house and keep it clean and organized in a manner that does not breed resentment? And where would your mail go? Where would you keep the things you didn't want your ex-spouse to see?

[Raia]

Child of divorce here, but parents lived in neighboring states and did not attempt 50/50. To this day, it bothers me that they didn't do a better job at even attempting equal time. It's not just the parent who spends less time who misses out, it's also the child who is missing out on really knowing that parent, and often that parent's relatives. Dad is gone now and I feel like dad's relatives (my aunts, uncles, cousins) are friendly but distant acquaintances. I've tried to change things as an adult, but it's hard to feel part of their family at this late date. Even though shlepping the stuff would have been annoying and difficult, it might have paid off in a lifetime of more family. Anyway, I think the key thing is try something 'for now' and see if it works, always understanding that it might not be as you envision or that circumstances may cause a change. Be flexible. good luck.

[Ewokmama]

I've been struggling with trying to get our custody arrangement to 50/50. It is so not easy, especially if you don't live close to your ex. Mostly we look at trying to get equal "quality time." I have my son most of the week - he is at daycare most of that and then I have evenings with him. My ex has him two days a week (his days off).

[Julie]

I think in an ideal world, the one house for the kids might be great....but unless you have unlimited cash to maintain multiple residences, or an enormous house with a separate wing for each adult, and a friendly working relationship with your ex, I'm not sure how it would be possible. I know in my situation, as soon as my ex moved out, I began enjoying my home - my things were where I wanted them, I cleaned more often and more thoroughly, and all traces of him were gone. If he were living there every other weekend, or every other week, I imagine I would start treating that residence like a way-station rather than a home. And while the moving back and forth is hard on the kids, I also think that most kids of divorce (myself included) had at least one house that felt like a real home. Having a place that is consistent and safe with the same people there all the time defines a home for me. And I certainly would not want my "home" to be a place my kids never visited (my private apartment for when I was not with the kids), or to feel the home my kids lived in all the time was a place that I had to continuously weed through my ex's stuff, trash, or just negative energy.

Do I think that is selfish? Yes. Do I think that a lot about divorce is selfish? Yes. But I want to be a good mom to my kids. I want them to grow up in a warm and loving environment where I am happy and content, so they can be happy and content. And if I had to live among my ex's stuff and his negative energy - whether he is present or not.....I would be miserable. Divorce is hard on everyone, but the goal of divorce is to create happy and healthy adults so that kids have a chance to grow up happy and healthy too.

I'm not sure if a 50-50 split where kids are in a different place every night, or every other night would be in the best interests of the kids - my kids wouldn't do well in that situation, but other kids might. It depends on the kids, their relationship with each parent, and how flexible everyone is. I am lucky in that my ex doesn't want the kids for an equal amount of nights (so far) so it's easy to have my house be "home" and his house be the place they go to hang out and have fun with Dad. And I think it's easy for me to say that sentence because my house is home for my kids and my ex's is not. I think if my ex were to comment, he would have very different things to say about how it feels to live somewhere where your children do not. I try to think about that every time I start to think about how much happier I am with this arrangement. That being said, I don't think that you have to maintain a home with each adult in order to have a healthy and fulfilling relationship with them, and perhaps the people whose families tried to force or fabricate multiple homes for them are the ones who felt like they were on a constant shuttle bus to somewhere else.

[sweetcoalminer]

I am not divorced. My parents are. I was a divorce lawyer. The most success we saw, and what is often ordered by the courts in my state is M-T Mom, W-Th Dad, FSS alternating with dropoffs and pickups at school.

Someone said something about counseling, and a family counselor - a good one that's recommended by a variety of sources - eased stress in numerous cases I've seen. Many marriages where the communication had broken down made for difficult transitions for parents and children. A family counselor can work wonders at making sure everyone, especially the kids, is heard and keeping resentment out of the equation.

That said, I have to admit that even the 50-50 arrangements usually started to slide. I can only remember one case where they stuck because most of the time, one parent is the caretaker, especially if both parents aren't working. I have advised clients to keep track of their time so they can see if custody is starting to slant one way or the other. If everyone is happy, it's fine. What's hard is the haircut when one parent's really doing 75% of the parenting for 50% of the support.

The other thing that works or doesn't is scheduled phone calls or a direct phone line/separate cell phone in each house so that during the long periods of time on the other parent's weekend, that parent can call the child (but not so much as to disrupt custody). Finally, for really small children who are used to being with the other parent, I remember one case where on daddy's saturday, Mommy got to take the child for breakfast, which went a long way to make everyone happy.

I didn't see my dad for over seven years after my parents divorced, so all of my thoughts stem more from my former work than from my personal experience.

The best bet is to keep communication open and be reasonable with each other in terms of flexibility, but don't be a doormat. In theory, children really benefit from their relationships with both parents, and so, in theory, 50/50 is what is best for them when possible.

Finally, in our state, there are mediators available at no cost through the courthouse to let you work through the custody schedule together. This can be really helpful for a lot of people. You will find there are a lot of things you can easily agree on and it would help you clearly define those areas that need some attention.

All the best to you all. Single parenting is hard work. Supporting children and two households is hard work. No one plans for things to go this way. Kids do grow up and survive, though, even though most of them can benefit from some therapy.

[C]

My mom moved out when I was 16 and my brother was 12. My parents originally wanted to switch us every four days. I'm a person of great routine and I like stability, and I told them that wasn't going to work for me. I was on edge enough about everything. I just could not imagine that.

So we did every other week, switching on Sundays. That was easier to remember and not get tripped up. Still, I remember it being very difficult. I was very bad at the transition days-- I'd cry and feel inexplicably guilty. I don't know if that was so much a 50/50 thing as a child of divorce thing.

Still, I'd still rather have both parents in my life. I have a difficult relationship with my mom. When I went away to college, I started staying primarily at my dad's and saw her over break but maybe didn't sleep there. That worked well for me. However, my brother was very worn out by the week-to-week switching since he had to do it longer than me.

Please, please, PLEASE if you can afford it, consider having the children staying in one house and the parent switching out. I honestly think this would have been a million times better than any other arrangement.

[Cloud]

I'm not divorced, and neither are my parents or my in-laws- so I really have nothing to say on the topic.

But, Moxie and Julie: I wanted to say thank you for your comments about healthy relationships. Hubby and I are in the survival stage that comes with a newborn baby, and I really appreciated the reminder about how lucky I am. You made me want to go hug my husband- except he's holding the sleeping baby right now!

I agree with CG- Hubby is the one I want to tell things to, and he wants to tell me things. I'm always happy to see him or get a phone call from him. I count on him to pick up the slack when I can't keep up my part of the household partnership in practical terms (e.g., housework, child care), and I absolutely expect to do the same for him. That sort of thing evens out and we don't "keep score". I'll start to worry if we stop trying to find ways to spend time talking with each other. I think I've posted before about our tradition of a Friday night gab session over beers (pre-kids it was at our local pub. Now it is in our living room). This has gone out the window with the arrival of the newborn, and I am really looking forward to the time when we're getting enough sleep to bring it back.

Anyway, to Moxie and Julie and the rest of you who didn't get the healthy, happy relationship you expected: I'm so sorry. I hope you find the relationship you deserve. Thank you for reminding the rest of us how precious a good relationship is. I, for one, needed that reminder.

[Raia]

I just read through all the comments in support of child(ren) staying put while adults switch out. Sounds lovely in theory, but I could not imagine doing that effectively (and I'm happily married!). One of my husband's worst traits is the detritus that he leaves behind. I could not imagine coming into the shared household only to constantly have to clean the dishes and the rest of the house to a minimum standard. It would feel as if I were still living with all the worst parts of my husband after the divorce, without the best parts that I currently enjoy in the marriage. Seems to me that if a couple could actually do this, then they could probably manage to fix whatever had gone wrong in their marriage in the first place! It would drive me crazy and therefore (in our situation) couldn't possibly be best for the kid(s) because it would be too difficult for me to recover and move on from the marriage and divorce.

[maria]

I haven't read the comments yet… So I may be repeating others or I may be bucking the trend (in which case it's good I haven't read yet). I have a feeling it's not going to be a popular opinion…

My parents had a 50/50 arrangement for my brother and me, 2 weeks in one house, 2 in the other. This was back in the early 80s and was considered very forward-thinking and great. I'm here to tell you it sucked. It felt like we didn't live anywhere. I carried quilts, pillows, everything I owned, from one house to the other in an attempt to simulate a sense of stability. It may feel like 'just different dinner companions' but to a child, it is so much more than that – a different physical environment, different sounds at night, different routines. There is no continuity to life.

Now, let me be clear: my parents did a lot of stuff wrong. I had an evil stepmother at my father's house, a father who was incapable of a relationship with anyone, including his kids, a mother who was depressed and alcoholic.

Maybe this kind of custody arrangement would work with functional parents, but honestly I can't imagine it being any great shakes for the kids in any case. I think something like, God help me, Jon & Kate's would be better – the kids have one home that they live in and the parents switch in and out. As adults of course nobody wants to do that, but from the kids' perspective it seems much less stressful.

As the parent, I'm in an extreme situation and have done everything in my power to ensure that my daughter has spent as little time with her father, particularly at his house, as possible. I've taken this tack because he's dangerous. However, even if he were the perfect father I think I'd still believe it was better for my daughter to live in one place and find other ways to sustain a healthy relationship with her father.

I'm sorry – I'm afraid this is going to sound harsh or judgmental and I don't mean it to, but I guess I feel pretty strongly that the conventional wisdom is, um, well, wrong in this case.