Don't go

You are important to someone. Even if that person is too little to say it to you yet. Even if you haven't talked to that person in years. There is someone who will never recover from the you-sized hole you leave if you go.

I know what it's like, the pain. Every minute of being alive tastes scorched; every breath hurts like the slice of a knife. Knowing that there isn't really anything good enough about being here, for any of us, to outweigh the bleakness. Feeling the hurt of the whole world channeled through the dull greyness of every 3 am minute.

How did any of us who've been there hold on until things got better? I honestly don't know. For some of us it was a choice. Knowing something was going to change, even a little bit, if we could just hang on. But for others it's just not going. Wake up, go to sleep. Eat. Repeat that enough times and one day it doesn't hurt as much. Who knows why.

You are not perfect. You may screw up on a daily basis. You may feel like your efforts don't do anything. Like everything you touch turns to crap. Like the people around you would be better off without you. But that is not the case. It's just not. No one is perfect. Everyone screws up. It's what makes us real and layered and interesting. You are as special for your faults as despite them.

Someone I loved and lost once told me, "It's no trick for God to work through someone perfect. The more broken you are, the more God shows his glory by shining through you." Whether you believe in a guiding force or not, the universe creates imperfection. You in all your weakness are exactly what we need.

Please stay. Even if you don't know how. Just keep getting up in the morning. Eat what you can. Drink water. Go to bed, even if you can't sleep. Go outside and turn your face to the sun. If you can, do this with Teresa for 3 minutes a few times a day. And tell someone how you feel. A friend. A stranger. Leave it in the comments here.

Don't go.

This post is for my friend Ray, who went.

Comments

[Vanessa]

Wow. Thank you for this. After having suicidal thoughts last night from the lack of sleep for the past 3 months (just had my second child who was sleeping like a dream - it was my 2 year old that refused to sleep from midnight to 5:30am) and crying to my husband about these thoughts I needed this.
Thank you.

[Aurora]

I'm so sorry Moxie. Because you have to know this, because you have to be one of the ones living without.

I don't need these words today, but someday I might, and they will be in my mind.

[abcd]

i am sorry that Ray went. mostly sorry he can't know what is True; that he is loved and lovable.

[Tamara]

I am so sorry you have to know this as well. Yet I am so grateful you are here, in this forum, to put these words out there. Thank you.

[ACJ]

"Whether you believe in a guiding force or not, the universe creates imperfection. You in all your weakness are exactly what we need."

This is the hardest part to believe but I believe it to be true. I'm glad you wrote it down and I hope even those of us who are not as despairing as Ray but who still wonder what on earth the universe will do with our brokenness will tuck that one away.

The Truth is so Good. Thank you for writing down some Truth.

[Kathleen]

sitting here with tears running down my face, and so thankful yet again for your words over the years. You have put so much of yourself into this site in such a thoughtful way, and it has resonated with my struggles as a mother, wife, working girl, etc. I'm sorry that you are so familiar with this, but hope you know how many you've helped as a result. Thank you again...

[Megan]

Oh god, I'm so sorry.

The only thing that kept me from going through with my detailed plan was knowing how much pain John's suicide caused all of us who loved him. I felt like I couldn't survive my own life, but I knew that killing myself wouldn't relieve the pain - it would simply become someone elses to bear.

My baby will turn 1 on a week, and I am so proud of myself for surviving. Therapy helps. Talking about it helps. Crying helps. The act of asking for help somehow helped the most.

I'm so sorry you have to bear this burden now.

[Rudyinparis]

I'm so sorry for the loss of your friend, Moxie.

[paola]

That was so poignant and beautiful.

[caramama]

"How did any of us who've been there hold on until things got better?"

I don't know how either, at least the first time thought intruded in my life. I think I simply realized how much it hurts to be left behind, and I couldn't do that to anyone else.

Now I know--I KNOW--things get better. There are ups as well as downs. And no matter how low the downs, if I just remember that it won't stay down, that there will be ups again, and that those ups are worth it, then I can do what I need to to get by until things get better. I wish everyone realized this.

To those suffering, get help! Really, truly, do it. For yourself, for those who love you and would miss you, and for those who will love you in the future if you hold on. Get therapy, get medication, get friends and family to come over. Tell someone. Tell everyone! You are not alone, even if you feel like you are. You can get help. Please, take a step to get help.

Moxie - I'm so sorry to hear that your friend left.

[Kelly]

Thank you for posting this. I'm sorry for your loss.

[julianne]

Thank you. I'm sorry.

[Dr. Confused]

I am terrible at my job. I am the only breadwinner while my husband is at home with our baby.

I screw up every day. I'm awful at this, really truly awful, and I am not making life any easier on my colleagues or my students or anyone. I'm still bringing home a paycheck, but I don't know how long it will last. I'm constantly embarrassed by my failures.

I'm a pretty good parent when I'm with my baby girl. I want nothing more than for her to grow up happy. I can block out my work problems when I'm with her and just enjoy her being her.

But it is s hard being me. So hard. My various psychiatric issues, my organisational problems, my lack of certain skills. I really don't like myself. I think of suicide pretty often. Or I just fantasise about something horrible happening to me so I can have an excuse to just drop out and fail. Go back home and rely on my grandmother or my father or someone until things can be sorted out.

I can't talk to my husband about it. He has enough on his plate. He doesn't need to worry about me as well. I've tried getting help but there's obstacles every where I turn. I don't have the money, I don't have the time, and I've tried to call places and have been led down blind alleys. It's exhausting.

I'm scared of failing. I'm scared of not being able to support my family and my baby. I so want to just drop everything but I can't do that to my family. I so want to just leave everything behind. I want to be a different person. I want to suck less.

I know I'm not making you feel any better Moxie, but I you said I could vent here so I did.

[Carla]

Depression plays tricks with your mind. Part of me sees how attached to me my year-old daughter is and says she would be lost without me. The horrible thing is that the other part of me says she's too young to really remember me, and that I should go NOW so that she has a chance to form a bond with a new and better mommy.

The hard part is recognizing the truth in amongst the lies depression tells you.

Thanks for writing this, Moxie. I'm very sorry about Ray.

[Melanie K.]

I am so sorry. But thank you for reaching out today for us who needed to hear it. I did.

[CaliBoo]

I am so sorry you lost your friend, Moxie. And to anyone reading this who is only seeing the dark, please please reach out and tell someone. You're not the only one, and there are plenty of people that have come through to the other side that would walk back through the fire just to guide you through. Just ask, if you can.

[CG]

@Dr. Confused, doesn't the university (assuming that's where you are) have any kind of free counseling program through HR? And I know you don't want to burden your husband, but part of depression/anxiety/mental illness is that you think you can handle it until one day you can't. Mentioning to your husband that you're in trouble might be one way to open the relief valve a little.

And frankly, as one professor to another, your students will survive even if you're not the greatest they've ever had. Put them on the back burner for a while, emotionally, until you get yourself sorted out. After some time goes by, they won't even remember. But you need to take care of yourself, because clearly there are people who care a lot about you.

[MrsHaley]

Hey, Dr. Confused - I hear you. Not much I can do, but I HEAR YOU. You said you're a pretty good parent to your baby girl. Doc, if there's NOTHING ELSE IN THE WORLD that you're good at, THAT IS ENOUGH. And be afraid to drop everything, yes, but maybe it's just as scary to be where you are? Can you take the good things in your life -- your husband, your baby -- and start over somewhere? Maybe you can. Maybe that's really hard, but maybe it's worth it. There's no shame in ditching what's not working and trying again. Please don't go Away, Doc. Go elsewhere if you have to, but don't go Away.

I wish you had known this Truth, Philly D. Still miss you.

[Maura]

My brother John left in July. But I don't believe he chose to leave, not consciously. If he had been in his right mind, he never would have chosen to leave his little boys without him. He had sought help, was doing all he could to get his sick brain well again. But his mind played tricks on him, distorted reality, blocked out all but the lethal combination of despair and impulsivity.

I fought this black depression before his death, and with his new burden of grief and guilt over John, I fight it now. But I am grateful that my mind is not so sick as to block out all love, all hope, all goodness. And I am humbled, because I know it is luck and not effort or merit that has spared my life. John had more reason to live (his sons) and fought harder, much harder, than me. I'm just lucky that my brain is not as sick as his so acutely became, that a message like yours can still reach me and be received.

Thank you for trying to reach someone who can hear and be saved. I'm so sorry that your friend Ray could not. I pray you are surrounded by love and comfort now.

[Mama Kate]

Thank you Moxie. This is exactly what I needed to read this morning. I just made the call and am seeing my doc tomorrow to discuss how I'm feeling. My boys deserve better.

I'm so sorry about your friend Ray.

[pear1sgirl]

this is so touching. i lost someone who shouldn't have gone that way. someone who couldn't see his amazing strengths the way that the rest of us could. and that him-sized hole is there every day that we can never fill.

[the milliner]

So sorry about Ray, Moxie.

I don't know why this entered my mind the other day, but I was wondering what you would do if you ever got e-mails (and maybe you do) from people on the verge of suicide.

And with your very eloquent and very heartfelt post today, along with the equally eloquent and thoughtful comments, I think you answered my question.

"You are important to someone. Even if that person is too little to say it to you yet. Even if you haven't talked to that person in years. There is someone who will never recover from the you-sized hole you leave if you go."

I don't think I've ever heard a more convincing, and un-arguable arguement about why someone shouldn't go. I hope your words get through to some for whom nothing has yet gotten through.

[Claudia]

Thanks for reaching out to people. I'm very sorry that you lost Ray.

I really really wish that neither Tim nor Graham had been in such an awful place to have also gone Away. They are very missed still; Tim from 10 years ago, Graham from 5 years ago.

[CG]

And to @Carla, even if your daughter couldn't remember you, it would be a source of sadness for the rest of her life if you left. I'm glad you know that the best mommy for her is YOU.

No kid should lose a parent, even if the parent's life is complicated.

[girdtmom]

I am so sorry for your loss, Moxie.

Being too young to remember doesn't make it hurt less. And there is no new and better if the parent left behind is hurt so badly that they just go it alone for the rest of their life. Trust me on this one.

[MLRH]

Hearing about Ray took me back to losing K Berlin back in 1998. It cast such a shadow on the festivities of graduation - feeling young and Herculean. These giants from the grey stone haven are *supposed* to live forever. In our hearts, they do.
Tell us your favorite story about him, Moxie. I for one would love to hear it. Until then, I'll hit post and offer RT a moment of silence.
With a virtual hug...

[hedra]

Yeah. I'm sorry, Moxie.

How did I stay? Miracles maybe? Stubborn insistence that if I was going to die from the pain it would be purely through my body ceasing to be able to survive it. I also completely beleived that I wouldn't survive it, that the pain was beyond physically bearing it, that my heart would have to stop. I can remember experiencing each heartbeat one night, knowing that each one surely would be the last, because it was so f-ing unbearable. But damn stupid stubborn blessed heart beat me right into the dawn. That I had survived one night created the thinnest of strands of hope that I might survive another, and that built over time into determination and resolve instead of just hanging on.

That was the second 'go' (or rather, not going). The first was when I was seven. But I could not logically convince myself that nobody would miss me. Someone would, even if I wasn't sure how much or how long or how bad. Pretty much what you said - I'd leave a me-sized hole in their lives, and I couldn't do that, it would be unfair. That, and I had recurring dreams of my three children I would someday have (I've got an extra, now), who convinced me that if I tried, I'd just fail, and if anything bothered me worse than all other things combined it was/is lack of competence on my part. I'd rather not do it unless I could do it well. And besides, if my kids were bending the laws of time to come back to ask me to stay, then I can't have completely sucked as a mom, so maybe I got over the traumas and managed more than just a hack job of parenting. So far, so good. (That'd be the miracles part.)

@Dr. Confused, the best profs I have had were not the ones who were 'good at their jobs'. In fact, probably only one who was 'good' was a great teacher for me. The rest of the good ones were really losses for me - organized and on top of things and good lecturers whose lectures I cannot remember at all at this point. The ones that were scattered and hair-brained, distracted and lost track of themselves, those ones I still remember. They made it possible to be me, imperfect student fumbling my way through to an honors GPA, dropping balls and figuring out how to make amends for screwing up with my study mates and my bad study habits. The 'perfect' teachers were utter hell. My deep hunger to be competent and shining and perfect got worse when I was around those perfecto profs, and was moderated by the humanity of people just coming in and doing their jobs the best they could today. I got a 'perfect' prof for my thesis advisor. Organized, together, everything clicking along, always on time, always had all her stuff, absolute hell as an advisor. One of my committee members was the opposite, would lose his glasses on his head, forgot stuff and had me go back to his office for it, enjoyed the topic but wasn't really paying attention to the classes as much as you'd have expected... seriously just lumping along. But he also knew he was doing that, and was at peace with doing that, and carried on doing that, and is still doing that - and is still fun to talk to, cynical about some stuff, 'water off a ducks back' on other stuff, bemused by a lot of it - and imperfect as all get out. Guess who I stop by to visit when I'm on campus? DUTY makes me check to see if my old advisor is in her office. But I'm genuinely happy to find my old committee member is present. He's REAL. I'm betting you are, too.

And I still hear you - I am in a new role (not even a week in yet) at work, and I am so uncomfortable with it. I will eventually un-suck, but I don't know how long it will take, or how much beating myself up over it will help or hurt (doesn't stop me from doing it). I hate feeling incompetent regardless. The Myers-Briggs type information (doing the inventory, learning about my type) has been an eye opener on that, at least - my actual type (not the type I was mis-typed as before) is SO uncomfortable with incompetence, especially my own. And when I say 'uncomfortable' I mean miserable, ego-battering, confidence leeching, and soul-sucking. (Fortunately, I have a few friends who will ego-prop me a bit while I try to determine how badly I suck, er, 'get my feet under me'.)

[DCRanger]

I'm so sorry for your loss, Moxie, and for everyone who knew Ray.

Having lain awake crying into my pillow at 3 AM for countless nights these past 18 months over the demise of my marriage and the mess my life has become, I know all too well the impulse to just end it. The only thing keeping me going is that I couldn't bear for my child to think I willingly left him behind. It would be easier getting through the days if I could imagine a better future but so far I can't. So, I just keep putting one foot in front of the other, in the hope that eventually these baby steps will get me where I need to go.

[Kathy B.]

I am so sorry for your loss.

[Jenny]

"The horrible thing is that the other part of me says she's too young to really remember me, and that I should go NOW so that she has a chance to form a bond with a new and better mommy. "
- Carla, there is no "new and better mommy." It's all you. She will form wonderful bonds with any number of people, but you are her only mommy. No matter what her age, you should NOT go. She will always know that you CHOSE to go instead of choosing to stay with her. Continue making the right choice. Please seek help if you haven't already, so many people care about you.

[hedra]

@Carla, also - my mom's mother died from heart disease when my mom was little and her sister was littler. My mom's mother was ... well, evil is probably wrong, she probably had PPP (postpartum psychosis, she tried to kill her kids a few times, and that's not hyperbole, she broke bones in the process). EVEN with that, my mom and aunt felt the hole of losing her, and it damaged them as badly as having her there could have. Maybe worse, since they could never ask, and she could also never recover.

And then my experience - my mom (given her own childhood) was a Not Good Parent in many ways. Including that she was unable to see where I was at risk from others, and didn't manage to protect me, either. But I got to watch her recover, find herself, get herself lined up and sorted out and pointed in one direction. I was well into grade school before she was in any way even on the path in the woods, let alone 'out of the woods'. Years of bad parenting in there (plus my dad had clinical depression, and my step-dad was perennially inconsistent and self-absorbed, whee!). BUT. Look where I am now. My mom figuring out how to get out of her own hell sketched out the path I ended up following. As a result, I am 20 years ahead of where most of my peers are in the recovery process. What a gift that is, that she stuck it out, messed up over and over and over, and learned how, eventually, to un-mess-up when she could.

I'm firmly in the psychobioneurology camp that says that it isn't (biologically speaking) the messing up that matters to how our kids grow and develop, it is the getting it back together again (over and over and over and over). It isn't the mangle of the attachment process, but the reattachment that makes our brains resilient and our psyches able to see the good in the world. Perfect parents create fragile children who are easily emotionally damaged. Normal parents blow it, miss the mark, make mistakes, over and over. Normal is optimal, and normal is just ... normal. We evolved with normal parents, and we are evolved to thrive with normal parents. Not perfect ones, and not even 'really good ones'. Just normal ones.

My mom got help. She had to get help over and over. The suicide hotline put her on hold once (technically, they told her to call back tomorrow, as they were understaffed). Uh. Yeah. Keep looking for help, and don't stop looking. Even if one help isn't the right help, there are other helps out there.

[Jenny]

"I am terrible at my job. I am the only breadwinner while my husband is at home with our baby."
- Dr. Confused, I know. I am in the same boat as you. Could have written your post. I've been in my field for 11 - 12 years and don't know anything. I really truly suck at what I do. Yet, I'm stuck here because I am the breadwinner. Husband is home with our kids during the day and works part time evenings & weekends. There is no option for me to leave and try something different, there is no money, no time. Sometimes we don't even make it from one paycheck to the next.

I know how it is. I am not going to tell you all the "I'm sure it's not that bad" and "everyone makes mistakes" BS that people tell me. No, I really AM that bad at my job. Typically I move from job to job after a couple years when the boss is fed up with my incompetence, then I start over. I am constantly horrendously embarrassed by my lack of ability. My current boss periodically calls me in to express his dissatisfaction with my performance. For that reason I haven't gotten a raise since I started working here 3 years ago.

The pressure of having to support my family is overwhelming enough, factoring in my inability is beyond stressful. Add that to the fact that my main goal in life was always to be a sahm. I love my kids, I have a rocky marriage, and I'm a complete failure at my career.

At one point in my life, I was suicidal and I got help. My oldest daughter was a baby at the time and I think she saved me. I did not want her to grow up knowing her mom chose to leave, so I went to therapy and took medication. It helped enough. That was 5 years ago and I haven't felt that way since.

Dr. Confused, I just want you to know you are not alone. I am also relieved to know that I am not alone either.

My motto lately is courtesy of Bob Dylan. The only thing I know how to do is to keep on keeping on.

[mom2boys]

I'm very sorry for your loss, Moxie. Beautifully written thoughts and such poignant responses.
I used to fall asleep at night dreaming about being bit by a bus - to just wipe it all out in that one moment. And I still go back to my grandmother. I wouldn't do that to her. I think I am supposed to find something within myself to hold on to but I use her as my crutch. She's 83 and an inspiration. And she loves me. I am grateful everyday for her.
I read that David Foster Wallace said suicidal thoughts are like standing in the window of a burning building. You don't want to jump but the fire behind you just keeps getting closer - It's actually never been that bad for me so I feel sort of ashamed that I've even thought about ending my life when there are others dealing with so much more. I hope you all find something to hold onto until the fire is put out. The world is better with you in it and your children will never be better off without you - as a child of a father who has battled depression his whole life - trust me - your children love you no matter how low you feel, no matter the mess you see all around you. They only see their beloved parent.

[anon for today]

I agree whole-heartedly that depression plays tricks on the mind. I've had those same thoughts. It actually took finding this site to even realize what was going on with me in the beginning. And to get help in the face of my entire family calling me "weak" and to just pull it together...Thanks Moxie. And I'm so sorry to hear about Ray.

[moosh in indy.]

Some days it's not even wake up, eat, sleep and repeat. Somedays it's breathe in breath out.
This was a brilliant post. Thank you for it.

[cat19]

@Moxie, I am so sorry.

@Dr Confused: yes, I too have been there. I have an academic teaching job I almost lost this summer, and I fear losing it every day.

But I keep waking up and showing up and I know it will get better sometime, even if I lose my job. There are other jobs and other ways to make it work.

[AmyinMotown]

Thanks for writing this, Moxie. One really wonderful thing about you is you use your own pain to help other people instead if it turning you mean and bitter. I'm not remotely suicidal but I definitely feel like I just can't get it right. This helped me feel like that might be OK, really, that my flawed self is what my loved ones need.

All this discussion is making me cry, because it's bringing up such strong memories of being there, of rationalizing how I could leave. It seems some of you are there, and all I have to tell you is HANG ON. GET HELP. Medication worked for me, so that's what I'd advocate, but you not only owe to other people, you owe it to yourself to give your story a better ending. You can come back from this and I PROMISE you life won't always be this way.

[Carla]

Moxie, I just have to say thank you so so so much for this site. I've never commented before today and I'm so glad I did. And thanks to everyone else. I am getting help, but maybe it's time for different help, like someone said. I *just* (like literally while I'm typing this) got some test results back telling me I'm physically sick too, so hopefully fixing that will help my mental state some too.

I too have a complicated set of parents, with a big set of problems. My biological mother left our family when I was 2 and she's been psychotic to some degree my whole life. Some days that helps me hang on for my little girl's sake, knowing how much my mother leaving affected me. On the bad days, I think about my step-mom and how much good she brought to my life. That's when those "better mommy out there" thoughts come in. What a mess our brains can get us in!

I know it's a total cliche but one of my mantras is "Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem." Even when the problems seem permanent, it helps me remember the finality of "going", and so far, when I have really bad days, I've been able to say "one more day".

Thankfully it's not so bad right now.

I'm crying on my couch just from the relief of having some people understand, even if we're all mostly anonymous.

[Jill]

Oh Moxie, my heart hurts for Ray and everyone who knew him. Yes, you are right- someone out there cares, no matter who you are. Take care of yourself during this time.

[Danielle]

Moxie, I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost my father almost 6 years ago now. As someone above said, I don't think he chose to leave. He was sick and not himself at the time. His altered and sick self made that decision.

To anyone who is thinking these thoughts...please really read what Moxie wrote. It was beautiful and very TRUE. No matter who you are or what your life is like - someone will have a huge hole in their life without you.

I'd like you to realize what an important and worthwhile person you are, but if you can't do that right now, think of the people who love you. The impact to their lives is immeasurable and will never go away.

To those of you who need help right now...GET IT!!! Lean on your partner or friend or mom or sister or brother or neighbor or person on the other end of the phone at a hotline. DO IT NOW!

[toomuchstrong]

This hits a little close to home for me (Dad tried to commit suicide when I was 17 by jumping out a 5th story window, but lived). So sorry to hear about your friend. I understand what it must feel like to want to just "leave", but I also wish that there was more that could be done for those suffering from depression.
Just a few weeks ago, I found out that a woman I'm becoming friends with lost her mother to suicide. Her mother was 55 years old and her depression started very late in her life. She fought very hard, but lost her battle.
Thank you Moxie for sharing Ray's words with us.

[Christi]

I'm so sorry for your loss, Moxie.

I lost an online friend to suicide several years ago. He, too, struggled with chronic depression and used to advise me on dealing with mine. We fell out of touch and then I heard what had happened during the silence.

Rest in peace, Ray and Jacob. And may we have the courage to live, to honor their struggle by doing so.

[American Family]

My best friend killed himself 14.5 years ago and I am still not over it. When I least expect it, I will be overtaken by grief over his loss. I know he was suffering, but if he had known how long I would be carrying this burden, I know he would have tried to hold on a little longer. Holding on a little longer might have been the key to finding a medication regime that worked against his horrible depression. His death left a black mark on my soul that will be there until the day I die. I still miss him.

[lucee]

So well put.
So sorry.

[julia]

"How did any of us who've been there hold on until things got better?"

Good question. It's all kind of fuzzy as the years pass from my two serious bouts with depression. But oddly, the one thing that kept me going in the worst of it was knowing that I could make that choice. So weird, but it felt like a small piece of control (literally) on my life. I don't know how I kept breathing some days, but I did. And I am glad. But I fear for my children, who will almost certainly experience the same horrible feelings (my husband also suffers from depression). It breaks my heart to think of that loneliness and dispair in their future.

[anon]

Dr. Confused - others have a lot of good advice, but consider to trusting in your husband. Have faith that he wants and can be there for you. Try to consider how you would feel to know he was keeping such a big part of himself from you. I say that not to make you feel bad or guilty, but just it sounds like you could use the support. Even just to find a way to finance the help you need.

Carla - You have so much to give your baby, you are you. Babies love unconditionally. I hope you can take some solace in that.

Both of you - just getting through each day is an act of strength. That's something you'll be teaching your children. Not in so many words but in perseverance and surviving.

My own psychiatric issues, make me think that we have changed the way we live (cities, the fast pace of life) faster than our instincts and biology could evolve to keep pace. So, even when we look around at our lives and everything seems "good" we don't necessarily have the supports yet for how we live. The therapist, the prescription, they're tools just like the first flint knives and wheels.

Once upon a time, I had my own suicidal thoughts. I cut myself once and it didn't hurt. It scares the $*!^ out of me to think about it and know what is possible. I had a sort of vision that scared me back on to my path. I made it through and I"m no more or less special than the next person. I believe in you and your desire to get through as well.

[lisa s]

my heart breaks for you and those that knew ray.

i hope someone reads your words and thinks twice

[Erika]

I am sad for you, and sad for all of the people Ray left. My best friend Paul left in 1993 - I am reminded of him nearly every single day. I can only think that he is in peace now. That he was in so much pain and had such struggles that he couldn't find any other way to ease the pain. I trust Ray has found peace, too.

[Al_Pal]

Great post.

& indeed, people: Don't Go.

I had a friend who Left this year--PTSD from The War left him with nightmares & insomnia.

Many of us are convinced that a better health care system may have saved him, if only for being able to have medication on a regular schedule and not just when he managed to scrounge up the cash.

Thank you for writing this.

[Nikki]

I'm so sorry, Moxie. Thanks for this post. You are helping more people than you know.

I will always remember my friend Robert, who Went in 2006. It seems like yesterday.