Q&A: book on toddlers/preschoolers

Neil writes:

"So here's something: many have said, as a piece of advice to people having their first child, that they should buy just one parenting book, and stick with it.

My question is, if you could buy only one book (general, specific, esoteric, etc.) about raising toddlers, what book would that be?"

I actually think that that first piece of advice, to stick with one book, is well-intentioned but crummy. Because what if the one book you pick doesn't work with your kid? For instance, if you pick Dr. Sears but your kid needs to cry to create enough white noise to get to sleep, you're going to feel like both you and your child are failures because all the sling-carrying in the world won't change the fact that your baby falls asleep better by crying for 5 minutes.

And what if you use Hogg, but your baby likes to be carried around, and gets anxious when left alone during the "play" part of the regimen?

There are just too many different ways for babies (who are just little people) to be to think that the likelihood of lucking onto the exact book that fits your kid's temperament is going to happen.

I like to repeat what I've heard a ton of times (many of them here from commenters): Read either all the books or none of them.

But we're talking about toddler/preschooler books here. And the nice thing about those is that while certain authors are still on the "should" train of telling you if you don't do things a certain way your child will turn out All Wrong, a much higher proportion of authors writing about that age are just trying to give you tools, based on observations they've made about how to make things go more smoothly for everyone involved.

Having said that, the toddler book I recommend is "The Art of War" by Sun Tzu.

Ha. No. Of course not. But it sometimes really does feel like a battle, doesn't it? The book that honestly helped me the most during this stage wasn't even a toddler book, and most of its strategies are for older kids, but it flipped my thinking around from looking at it as an adversarial situation to seeing it as my task to help my child grow up. I push this book constantly: "Between Parent and Child" by Haim Ginott. (Two other stellar books that come directly from Ginott's work are "Playful Parenting" by Lawrence Cohen and "How To Talk So Kids Will Listen And Listen So Kids Will Talk" by Faber and Mazlish.)

Reading that book made me feel just a little calmer, more assured that we could do this together, less convinced that I was failing somehow. That the toddler years were a few pages, not the book.

Once you've read that book and need some help for the minute-by-minute stuff, go see Sharon Silver at proactiveparenting.net. Read her site, and subscribe to her Twitterfeed, which is full of tips for dealing with small moments in a way that helps you *and* your child. She really does seem to see the entire relationship between parent and child in our interactions in a way that most authors and experts don't. I think my entire parenting experience would have been easier if I'd known about her work when my older one was a toddler.

What would you recommend, and why?

Comments

[akeeyu]

Child of Mine, by Ellyn Satter, has some really common sense feeding advice.

Beyond that, I say read 'em all, have a good laugh, carry on.

Having twins has taught me a couple of important thing:

1. The people who wrote all of those books have never met your children, nor will they come over at 3am to help out.
2. You can do everything "right" and get totally random results.
3. Different children need different things.
4. Sometimes what is simplest is what is best.
5. Arguing with babies and toddlers over things that don't really matter (and/or things that are a design feature of babies, not a bug) is SUPER DUMB.

As an example, it's easier to use a sling or other carrier and just move on than try to convince your child who likes to be held that NO, SHE DOESN'T LIKE TO BE HELD. Yes, she does. It's also easier to use a stroller than try to convince your child who wants more freedom that SHE TOTALLY LOVES BEING CARRIED. No, she doesn't.

If you're locked into one book's philosophy, that author's voice becomes very loud, and it's hard to listen to what your children are telling you.

[SarcastiCarrie]

If you actually had time to read when your child is a toddler (which you don't), I would recommend one of the funny books by Dave Barry like "Dave Barry is Not Making This Up" or "Babies and Other Hazards of Sex". Or perhaps a nice coffee table book with lavish pictures about taking cooking classes in Tuscany, because that would be about as useful as a parenting book.

[ksb]

I'm with you, akeeyu! Child of Mine is the one book that I read where I felt like following her specific advice made a difference: it made me feel much better and less stressed out, and it made my kids better eaters.

Most of the other books I've tried offer a couple of good tips which, when joined with the other ten books I've skimmed on whatever the concern-of-the-day is, might help sometimes.

[HappyMama]

I really liked Pantley's "No Cry Discipline Solution". I think the "no crying" part is for the parents - she is perfectly well aware that toddlers will cry! But she has a good way of helping you get some perspective, and gives you some good techniques for achieving your goals (eg. putting toddler into her stroller, etc.) without having to win an unwinnable battle with a toddler.

[MrsHaley]

I fall into the read-them-all camp, due to my personality type, so I can second Moxie's recs wholeheartedly. I also love Ellyn Satter.

For less practical, more big-picture, philosophical parent/young child related reading, I also like "What's Going On In There" by Lise Eliot, "Consuming Kids" by Susan Linn, "Taking Back Childhood" by Nancy Carlsson-Page, "Last Child in the Woods" by Richard Louv, and anything on Hedra's 'Parenting Bookshelf' at Hands Full of Rocks.

[Slim]

Penelope Leach, Your Baby and Child. But really, I'd just read Akeeyu's comment and move along.

[Heather]

I love the How to Talk and Sibling Rivalry books, Unconditional Parenting, Playful Parenting, Adventures in Gentle Discipline, but my go-to book the first few years was _Becoming the Parent You Want to Be_. Among the ideas I love (by no means unique or even original to this book, but beautifully and not dogmatically expressed here): accept disequilibrium, find your tribe, and honor the impulse. The talk of distinguishing between feelings, which are always okay and to be honored, and behavior, on which limits are set. There's an awesome, long list on what might be going on when kids fall apart, and a corresponding list on ways to respond.

Also Catherine Newman's book Waiting for Birdy, and the columns online that inspired it.

[Kate]

I think I've very publicly stated my appreciation of the "Your Three Year Old: Friend or Enemy" by Ames and Ilg. (Recommended by Moxie and -ites.) I've read the 2 and 4 year old books in the series and think that the whole kit and caboodle is worth looking at!

[habeas]

After the first several weeks of parenting, when my husband threatened to take all my parenting books away because I was firmly convinced I was going to break my first child, any second...may I add some recommendations for mothering humor?

For an old-school approach, it's hard to beat Teresa Bloomingdale, an Omaha mom of ten kids, and her best is probably "Up a Family Tree." More recently, "Three-Martini Playdate" and "Confessions of a Slacker Mom" served as humorous reminders that children need not always be at the centers of our universe. I second the Dave Barry recommendations already given as well.

My second child is a book-chewer and page-tearer, and is automatically drawn to all books NOT his while the chew-safe board books and fabric books lie untouched. I turned "Secrets of the Baby Whisperer" over to him as the parenting book that threw me furthest off the edge.

I did however find "The Baby Owner's Manual" and its sequels useful not only for myself but for dads and babysitters--more of a "how-to" than a "try-this-and-why" approach, gently lighthearted but very informational.

[bethp]

I have just new 2 year old and the two books I keep picking up are Positive Discipline by Dr. Jane Nelsen and Dr. Sears Discipline Book. I also have Raising an Emotionally Intellegent Child around here somewhere, but am currently finding what I need (with a sense of tantrum throwdown urgency) in the first two. When things calm down I'll tackle the third, and also the Playful Parenting, which I've started and love.

Another I'd HIGHLY recommend is Momma Zen: Walking the Crooked Path of Motherhood by Karen Maezen Miller. I had read it through when my son was a baby, and thought it good, but whatever. I was having a really hard week a few weeks back, and ended up getting sick and had an excuse (read: the time) to pull it out again. Cried through almost every page - in a good way (have tears now, just thinking about it) and I feel like it saved my relationship with my toddler, in a way. I was able to reconnect to myself and to him, and it became fun and easy (ahem, easier) to BE with him. Ahh, zen.

[Cloud]

I found I started to let go of the NEED to read books as my daughter moved into toddlerhood. Before, I read books looking for solutions- and as @akeeyu says, those authors haven't met my daughter. Now I read books looking for ideas, and Hubby and I decide which ideas make sense in our family. I think the diversity of ideas is what helps me now, so I'm more likely to check out a bunch of books from the library and skim them than to buy one book and read it as firm advice. If you're only going to read one book, I say skip it and just read Moxie's archives instead- you'll get a lot of different ideas and perspectives.

I did buy and like "The Mother of all Toddler Books" by Ann Douglas. It was particularly helpful for some practical ideas about art projects and the like. I'm not crafty and felt a bit overwhelmed by the idea that I should come up with art projects for Pumpkin.

I've found useful ideas in "Raising Your Spirited Child" by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka (and I don't even think my daughter qualifies as truly "spirited"). I really liked the "Playful Parenting" book Moxie mentions.

[Jamie]

I highly recommend a book called "Just tell me what to say." It involves practical interventions to common toddler/preschool difficulties (e.g. fighting with siblings, loudness/safety issues in the car, not listening, etc.). I've found it very helpful in that it gives me specific strategies as opposed to just an overall theoretical perspective. It's also based on positive parenting, utilization of logical consequences, treating children with respect, etc.

[caramama]

I am completely in agreement with what Moxie and akeeyu wrote. In addition to the books Moxie recommends (which were really great) and Sharon's Proactive Parenting seminars, I also loved Child of Mine, by Ellyn Satter.

I am currently reading Raising Your Spirited Child, by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka, and can't recommend this book high enough for those who have "spirited" or at least highly active/emotional children.

But aside from books, this site is the one I would pick to read above all other reading material. This site has saved my sanity, given me really good ideas, and helped my family more than I can say.

[Charisse]

Your Baby and Child (as Slim said). Also, there's this website called Ask Moxie where there are tons of awesome parents who have been through it and can tell you the range of options. ;)

I used to read tons of books, especially when I got stressed, but lately I haven't been motivated. That may be because Mouse has been having a good year, and to boot is a somewhat odd kid who doesn't tend to get covered much in the books. I just haven't turned to books as much--I know what our philosophy is, with respect to her specifically, the one particular 5-year-old we have, and we just work from there.

[amanda]

I'm waiting for Moxie's book so I can recommend that as the only one you'll ever need. ;-)

In the meantime, though, I don't understand the motivation behind looking for just one book. Is it due to time? Shelf space? Fear of confusing/overwhelming/scaring oneself?

Maybe I'm more bookish than the average person but I can't see if you WERE going to bother with any books at all that any one book would be sufficient. You've got your food books, sleep books, discipline books, development books, vaccine books, sibling books, potty training books. And then just when you think you've got a handle on things you get bit in the butt by something out of the blue, like asthma, or whatever, and you've got to go look into some books on that.

That's why I recommend Moxie's yet to be published book: Because there are waaaay too many books out there, even for the bookish ones among us. The main point of the book you choose should be to instill confidence in you that you know your own kid best, there's lots of different ways to do things, and you WILL figure it out on your own.

[Kinky]

I read Harvey Karp's "Happiest Toddler on the Block" and generally thought his approach was sound. He has a positive, gentle, humorous slant and basically provides a lot of different tools for how to deal with toddlers. (And, yes, you do have to be willing to get over the Caveman analogy and Caveman-speak recommendation.)

[hedra]

I love akeeyu - I'd have said the same thing (or tried to), but it would have taken 20 paragraphs. ;)

On to my 20 paragraphs anyway, LOL!

I am a 'read them all' person, in part because reading a lot tells me what is just one person's perspective (they say it, someone else denies it), and what is core. There's a tiny tiny tiny bit of core, and a lot of noise around the edges. That was especially dramatic with the twins content - OMG, the drama in some of the books, but hey, look, these four all say exactly the same thing on THIS content. That part is probably generalizable, then, and the rest - eh, do what we can based on what we discover about the kids as we go.

I mainly go back to something I read many years ago, about 'the best book' to read. The writer said 'learn to read your child, they are the ONLY book on themselves'.

Yeah. If I want an authority on my child, I ask my child. Or just observe them. It takes practice to learn how to read them, and some are much easier to read than others (cough-Miss-R-cough, on the challenge side). But in the end, if I want to know if something is working, or is even a good idea, I know where to look. Actually, I can often ask them and get a straight answer, especially after around 5 years old.

I still read parenting books. In any point of change, where I'm hitting a transition, I tend to go seeking for sustaining reading. I will in the end change and adapt to the new child at their new stage, but meanwhile, some food for ponder and thought is useful.

I've found that I like the same ones Moxie likes, for similar reasons. Ann Douglas for the full range of options, the Ginott-by-products for style and approach, Parent Effectiveness Training for problem-solving methodology (or Respectful Parents, Respectful Kids for a toddler-friendly similar methodology).

On humor/ish books, I found that I hated the "Girlfriend's Guide" for babies, but LOVED LOVED LOVED the one for toddlers. It qualified as humor for me (the advice was not usually aligned with my style), but it was also an anchor of sanity when I was faced with the OCD insanity of toddlerhood. It was nice to read that essentially all toddlers are certifiable, or would be if they were adults - but that this was normal for them. Phew!

My favorites for general reading are mainly on my parenting bookshelf on my blog. Oh, I also like the Your X Year Old series in particular, because it is easy to spot your child there somewhere (for most of us) and they're quite clear that if your child isn't Just Like This, they're still Normal. There are lots of Normals.

I don't read quite as much now as I used to, either - same as Charisse, I have a good handle on each of the kids, now (mostly), and have an idea of how to proceed based on my philosophy. I think around 4 1/2 to 5, it starts to make more sense in the big picture. Granted, seven still threw me, but now I know that's coming, too. Taking the long view, the gardener's approach (you don't have to do everything this year, even if some things do better if they happen in certain seasons than others), makes it less stresful. I don't need to panic over it. I just need to keep working at it.

Interestingly, the older my kids get, the more my parenting emphasis is to do with my own discipline, development, and skill, and not with theirs. Mine will model and illuminate and rub off on them, therefore it is more important for mine to be in good condition. If mine sucks, theirs will suck, too. Mindfulness, ethics, respect, etc., etc., all make for better outcomes in their behavior if I just do them myself.

[Shelley]

I know I'm not the only mother who found reading books to be crazy-making -- I started to second-guess every.single. thing I did, and it was just bad all-round. For me, if I have a specific question or issue, i.e., "what is that rash??", I research my heart out -- but I no longer read for the heck of it, because it is entirely possible to find multiple sources that contradict each other backwards, sideways and upside down.

(That said, "Between Parent & Child" totally rocks.)

[Kathy B.]

Me = bad mommy (I guess) according to some people. I never read any child-rearing books. I just went with my gut instinct on how to raise the child. If something didn't work, I tried something else. My only rule was "I am the parent, you are the child. I am in charge, you are not." This is not to say I was rigid, we had many discussions, and many compromises. But at the end of the day I was the boss!

She is now 28 years old, college graduate, and a contributing member of society. I can't ask for anything more! (oh yeah, and she still speaks to me!! LOL)

[mom2boys]

"the OCD insanity of toddlerhood" - I'm exhausted from it and he doesn't turn two until next week. Seriously, this week has been so hard. He's not sleeping well, separation anxiety through the roof, and this morning he had the mother of all meltdowns and nothing I did helped. I’ve got the Pocket Parent, How to Talk…, Between Parent and Child and Your One Year Old. I think I’m investing in Your Two Year Old and Raising Your Spirited Child next. I need a book to explain to me how someone can want to be held and not touched all at the same time and how I can accomplish that for him.

[Shandra]

I pretty much agree with everyone, but in case you are a book junkie the book I haven't seen above that has shaped me as a PARENT has been Barbara Coloroso's "Kids are worth it!"

What I like about it is it gives you a way to measure other techniques. It is a little light on techniques, esp. for toddlers, though.

I've heard Raising our Children, Raising Ourselves is good on that score but haven't read it myself.

[Lucy]

I read quite a bit, because I like to. I tend to peruse a variety of books. I think of it as increasing my repertoire of options. I have never been around young kids and babies, and so I'm just not aware of all the possibilities. I like the different anecdotes and stories different books include.

I like "Liberated Parents, Liberated Children" by Faber and Mazlish. I find their exploratory approach to parenting to be reassuring. I feel that sharing the journey to improving parenting skills and approaches such a relief. This is one that I have frequently re-read.

I love this website, and lots of the contributors' blogs.

In the first weeks and months, I relied on a great parenting support group. It really showed me that different approaches work for different families at different times/stages/places - and the kids were all thriving. I never wanted to co-sleep, but when we were traveling it was awesome. It would never have occurred to me to shower with the baby in the baby wrap - and just dry it afterwards.

Now my biggest help are my group of friends with children. The relief of knowing that it's not just my household that seems to have fallen apart with a change in childcare arrangements ...

[Lucy]

I meant to just dry the baby wrap afterwards. (I had - thankfully - occurred to me to dry the baby after his bath!!!)

[nej]

You're setting yourself up for failure if you're going to try and find one book, as everyone else here has already mentioned. IMO, the best strategy is to read lots of different books and pick and choose the pieces that fit you and your child. There is nothing worse than forcing something that is unnatural to you - I still cringe when I think of a friend who really wanted to be Love and Logic because it worked for his wife, but he was so uncomfortable with it that he sounded almost creepy when the words came out of his mouth. He would have done much better had he read Playful Parenting. Because while some parts of L&L are great, it wasn't great for him. It made him sound (and feel) like a weirdo. And everyone could tell, including his kids.

I recently posted a book list on my blog because I had all these friends who kept asking me what I read (I've read tons!) and how it helped (it's helped a lot!) and what they should read (read them all!) and I got tired of trying to remember the whole list because I'm pregnant and slow and I can literally see thoughts in my head that's how few and slow and painful they are. My list is a lot like Hedra's with a few other Moxite recommendations. Other than Love and Logic, I can't remember anything on there that hasn't already been mentioned. And I like the Ilg books, but for a different reason - I find them hysterical. The pics are all from the 70's (two-yr old boys in tight short tennis shorts make me howl with laughter.) Oh, and Unconditional Parenting - this book while a bit idealistic even for me, really resonated with me and is one of those "I'll aspire to this, but if I can come close, I'll be happy" type books.

And although OP is asking for books, I would like to recommend a few other ways of improving your parenting skills. AskMoxie, of course, but I also watch other moms a lot. I try and imagine myself saying/doing what they're doing and #1 - analyzing whether it would feel natural or could eventually feel natural and #2 - whether or not it's worth trying out on my son. And the same way I would hold a shirt up on those rare occasions when I'm out shopping without him, I try and visualize whether or not it would fit him. And obviously, if it's just a rephrasing of words I already use (think $2 shirt off the sale rack) I throw it into the shuffle without much contemplation. But if it's something big, if it's the equivalent of a full-priced item that might or might not fit him at the right time of year, then I let it rumble around in my head for a while.

Also, many women have the good fortune of having had mothers, and some are double-lucky in that they had really good mothers. Whereas I imagine what I would have wanted my mother to do, I think that if you can tap into what your mother did, then you should. Sure, you can't remember what your mother did when you were two and you laid down on your belly in the middle of the tool aisle at Home Depot because you wanted your very own miter saw, but you can think about what your mother would have done in that situation (or your grandmother, or your sister, or any other mother who's style you admire.) Hedra - don't blush - but I sometimes think about what you would do in my shoes. Or what advice I would read on here. Or what Moxie would do (but Moxie you often say you've forgotten this age, so I feel like tapping into you would just cause everyone frustration. :) There are times when I try and think, would my friend M be ok with this (she's much more cautious than I am) and if not, can I still be ok with it. I guess my real advice here is to objectify what you're doing and try and see it through different eyes. And I am now officially rambling...

[Jennifer]

Your Toddler Month by Month by Tanya Byron

I Brake for Meltdowns by Nicholasen and O'Neal (it's for two- to five-year-olds, but if you absorb it, you can start earlier!)

[Bobbie]

The three books mentioned by Moxie are excellent. But the book that has REALLY helped me communicate so much better with my almost 3 year old is Easy To Love, Difficult to Discipline.

[Erin]

@ Cloud - thanks for the recommendation on art projects for toddlers! I'm not crafty either and I feel like bad mommy lots of time, because I can't come up with creative projects. We don't listen to music either, which our toddler loves! (We just never have it on, we're not all Footloose about it.)

I know Moxie hates Healthy sleep habits, happy baby, but we did get some really helpful advice from it. We tend to pick and choose from books - try to get ideas to deal with a problem when we've hit a wall. The most valuable help we got from Healthy sleep habits was to think about the baby's sleep pattern in 24 hr cycles, not just about night time. It helped us come up with a plan that made things better.

But new parents - don't let books freak you out! There is no "right" way, as earlier posters have said. Experimentation will not mess up your kids. Try things! If something doesn't work, stop. Books are most useful combed for ideas, rather than giving you a system to hang your whole life around.

[karen]

Hahah!!! I love it Moxie! I have a three week old and one book: Dr Sears and I'm just beside myself about being a bad parent because sometimes my gal just doesn't.want.to.be.in.her.sling and then what!

One book or none - excellent advice.

[Sharon aka Mommie Mentor]

I hope this post comes out right, my internet connection is stopping and starting.
Moxie thank you for the beautiful write up. I just walked in after a very long day and saw how many people had opted-in and/or joined my twitter page! I knew exactly where they came from!

I agree with Moxie, before you purchase a parenting book think about who you are, what you want from your discipline, your temperament, your child's temperament and your issues.

In addition to purchasing books don't forget what the biggest key in parenting is—trusting yourself. Parenting is a learning process. There's the discovery of the world around him for the child and there's the discovery of who you are now that you've become a parent. You're changing and growing along side your child. Who you thought you'd be and how you thought things would unfold are most likely all different now that you're dealing with the reality of parenting. Your instincts are being flushed out as you parent, trust them. Work with yourself to see what your particular blocks are. Look at your past and your current wishes, dreams and desires to understand how you want to parent.

As Moxie says "you are the best parent for your child!" Let the books inspire you, not dictate your relationship and discipline choices. Mix and match methods if that works for you and IMHO avoid all books that tell you they hold the only answer to all your parenting questions. You hold all the answers. The books should just inspire you to find the answers deep inside yourself.

I do want to add one more book, "Redirecting Children's Behavior."
There are some families that have trouble dealing with the intense feelings children bring out during early childhood. If that's going on in your family try reading Redirecting Children's Behavior. I began my career teaching Redirecting Children's Behavior and Love and Logic and then I created ProActive Parenting.
Redirecting Children's Behavior and Jane Nelson's work is based on the work of Rudolph Dreikuers. Those methods help define what's going on with a child based on the feelings the child produces inside of you.
Love and Logic is for those parents who tend toward being a helicopter or drill sergeant type of parent.
ProActive Parenting focuses on toddlers and preschoolers, other methods focus on all ages. I focus on what you deal with each and every day and on bringing balance and wholeness to the family system as you correct behavior and do the daily grind versus theory.

All three parenting businesses focus on different things and it depends on what you need and want as to who the perfect match for your family will be.

Thanks to all of you who joined me on Twitter. Consider joining my fan page on Facebook as well, the space allotment on facebook allows me to give more details.

Fan page: Sharon.ProActive Parenting.Tips

[Gillian]

Happiest Toddler on the Block! Love most of it (still hate CIO and locking a child in a car/room to tantrum are two things I'll never do, but outside of those bits, I really like this book).

[Mother in the Making]

Agree with everyone on picking and choosing - am I the only person who loves both Dr. Sears and Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Baby.... what worked for us was having a range of really responsive techniques for when J was a colicky baby, and then transitioning to sleep training when I hit a wall of insanity and wasn't coping with rocking/wearing, etc.

Or maybe I'm just an odd combo of hippie/old-style :)

Now that I'm pregnant again, the only things I'm reading are How Not to go Insane with Two books... don't like any of them, actually. What I want is a really practical book that will contain actual tips and techniques. It doesn't seem to exist - just essays and stuff about how you'll love the second as much as the first. I'm actually not worried about that... I'm worried about having another horribly colicky baby and a three year old!!!

Sorry to hijack thread...Preggo brain takes over...

[Julie]

I have to second (or third, haven't read the comments yet) visiting Sharon Silver's website at proactiveparenting.com. Last year about this time, our son was starting preschool. My husband was in charge of taking him every day. As was expected, it was a very rough transition. After about day 3 of hellish crying and goodbyes, my husband told me he wasn't going to do it anymore. Except he had to because there was no one else who could do it. I contacted Sharon via email. She responded IMMEDIATELY. She gave me some really good tips to use with my husband, and tips for him to use with our son. She has many great seminars on her website, you can subscribe to her monthly newsletter, which is GREAT, and she can also do a phone session with you if you are not in her area. The great thing was, she helped me solve the problem in that moment. As a result, many months later as we began to deal with defiance, I bought her first seminar. Fabulous stuff, really affordable. She could tell I desperately needed help and she reached out and helped me. I am a loyal fan and customer of hers. Thank you Sharon!!!!!

And by the way, for everyone out there stressing about preschool transitions (caramama, I'm looking at you) it resolved itself in a couple weeks and he just had a week off and he is DYING to go back to school tomorrow. My husband still does drop off and he absolutely loves doing it now. How can you not love hearing your child scream "I love you!!!" over and over again until you climb into your car?

[Cloud]

@karen- my daughter wasn't a big fan of the sling, either. I'm glad I didn't have Sears' book, or I would have felt even worse about that at the time.

Turns out, she wanted to see out and have freedom to move her arms. She loved the Baby Bjorn once she got big enough to ride in that.

Which I think illustrates Moxie's point about how some books aren't going to work for some kids.

[Lisa]

I give all the new parents I know the url for ask moxie. No more books.

[Mary]

I agree with you on "Playful Parenting" by Lawrence Cohen and "How To Talk So Kids Will Listen And Listen So Kids Will Talk" by Faber and Mazlish - both excellent books. I didn't read the other one mentioned.

[kuma]

I like "Toddler 411" - it's very practical and laid back, and covers a range of topics from tantrums to sleep to feeding to common illnesses.

"The Emotional Life of the Toddler" was helpful for me to see things through my daughter's eyes. I enjoyed the Ames and Ilg 2 year old book, which I found recommended here, and I'm slowly reading "Between Parent and Child" although as Moxie mentioned it's geared to older kids.

I agree with the previous posters that it's best to read lots of books (preferably from the library or borrowed from a friend) and just try out the parts that work for you. And Moxie and the community here are better than any book, with all the real-life data points and the ability to ask questions about your specific situation.

[kate]

I just think Dr Spock still hits the nail right on the head. His descriptions of being firm but cheerful, not negotating, steering them through the day pleasantly, etc helped me so much as a nanny and I believe have helped make things easier for me as a parent too.

[Sarah]

I have an 18-month-old daughter, so I'm still a relatively new mom. One of the best books I've read so far is MOTHERING YOUR NURSING TODDLER by Norma Jane Bumgarner. Of course, much of the information applies only to moms and toddlers who still have a nursing relationship, but a lot of what Bumgarner says could be applied to those who have weaned as well. The book really helped me develop more empathy for my daughter and recognize that she still has a lot of "little baby" needs. There are also plenty of tips about how moms can take better care of themselves--so important! This book would be especially helpful to any mom who is feeling alone or criticized for her breastfeeding decisions. I am lucky to have the support of friends and family regarding breastfeeding and other parenting decisions, but I still have plenty of days when I need extra encouragement, and this book provided that for me.

[liz]

I also loved Your Baby And Child.

There's also a set of Time/Life books on parenting, two of which we used. "Eating" and "Manners" both of which had a very common sense approach to dealing with those topics.

Best advice from the Time Life book on eating? Use a muffin tin to keep foods separated if you have a kid who can't stand their foods to touch.

[caramama]

I wanted to mention another one we have, but I haven't read yet. My husband's fried recommended The Optimistic Child: A Proven Program to Safeguard Children Against Depression and BuildLifelong Resilience, by Martin E. P. Seligman. My husband has started it and seems to really like it. Since I have Seasonal Affective Disorder, we are concerned about depression in our kids, so my husband thinks this book will help. My jury is still out on it until I read it myself, but I thought I'd put it out there.

@nej - I think I love you. I definitely love what you wrote! Great ideas, and I also think about what other people I respect would do in whatever situation I'm in.

Actually, the reason I tend to read books in the same line of thought is because I found what I'm comfortable with and what works for my child. When I keep reading books along those lines, they remind me of what I'm striving for and give me good ideas to add to my repetoire.

@Julie - Thanks! I was thinking that your first paragraph was helpful, and then laughed out loud when I saw you say you were looking at me! I think it's time for me to go back through the notes I took on Sharon's seminar or listen to it again. Today was another rough morning, but I have hope...

[hush]

So many great book recs already! I just finished "Bad Mother: A Chronicle of Maternal Crimes, Minor Calamities, and Occasional Moments of Grace" by Ayelet Waldman, and loved how amazingly honest it was.

And Sharon Silver (aka the Mommie Mentor) is a genius - check her stuff out!

[fahmi]

I like Touchpoints from T. Berry Brazelton - he has one for Birth to 3 as well as for 3 to 6. They aren't quite "how to do this if you are unsure of what to do" but more on "this is what's going on inside your kid" books. Very similar to what Wonder Weeks does for me, and helps me figure out how to be patient at the hard points.

[Gina]

123 Magic - changed our family life and our home completely, but we had to keep at it, making sure we really were adhereing to the no emotion- no talking rules, and after two months we were free, having dealt with 18 months of very difficult behavior. It's not the phase that matters but how you deal with it. I have read most of the books recommended and this is the one that worked best for our family.

[Lisa]

_Becoming the Parent You Want to Be_ - very much influenced by Ginot, Ames & Ilg, et al. Good focus on what's going on in there and why, how to communicate in ways that help both of you grow, and why when you screw up (and you will) it's not the end of the world.

[Libby]

I third (fourth?) "Becoming the Parent You Want to Be" - it is such a thoughtful book, one that inspired me to look beyond tips and strategies for the toddler/preschool years, and deeply consider what my parenting values are (and what inspired them). I can't recommend it enough.

[Sharon aka Mommie Mentor]

Julie, Hush and Caramama I'm blushing! Thank you for your kind words. We've had the biggest boost in hits, twitter followers, sales and opt-ins we have ever had thanks to you guys and Moxie!

And Caramama there's always hope!

[li li]

I have a lot of parenting books that I've half read. What works changes depending on age and phase. But at our current 3 1/2 year old twin phase, I love 'The Incredible Years' by Carolyn Webster-Stratton.

Many of the children's teams, where I've worked as an adult psychologist, have used it to run parenting programmes for families who are running into problems. So I kind of ignored it, thinking it was for more severe difficulties. But I was so wrong. It has chapters on, for example, helping children to regulate their emotions or friendship skills etc.

As several people have already mentioned, what works for any family depends on the individual needs, styles and personalities of all involved. This one resonated with the way I think. Magic 123 works well for my partner as it is a very quick read (and he has limited time). It has really helped him to stay calm.

I've also loved: Penelope Leach, Siblings without Rivalry, How to talk ..., Raising Happy Children and Divas and Dictators.

[www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=748163320]

Everything started going better for me when I stopped reading books about what to do with my children, and started reading books about what to do with ME.

"Buddhism for Mothers" was the first big shift, which led me Pema Chodron's stuff; "When Things Fall Apart" has taught me the most about how to live with my kids during times that try us.

[anon]

the "your ____ year old" series that someone else mentioned by Ames and ____. That's my fall back. They don't tell you what to do, but they do tell you what you can expect. That is, they describe what a normal range of behaviors are at a given age. With an emphasis that there nobody is spot on average and everyone will have variations. I like that it can help you set your expectations, and reinforces that "this to will pass."

The book is really old though still in print, so there are some really dated ideas in there when it comes to the execution (sit a messy eater near mommy who will tolerate that better than daddy). On the other hand, you have to love anyone that tells you the best way to get through those "i don't want mommy" or tantrum phases is to get a babysitter as often and as for long as your budget will afford. That's realism :).

This book series, and the T-Tapp work outs are some of the best advice I've gotten from this blog.

[Provillus]

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