New to having two

I'm getting some calls for help from moms who've just had a second child. Nothing specific--the general questions of "Why did I do this?? What am I doing? How do other people do this? Does it ever get better?" And I could give my long treatise on it, but honestly, those early weeks and months of having two just aren't as clear in my memory anymore.

I'm not sure if it's simply the passage of time, or that my mind is too full of school supply and class list and work issues to have room for that memory on the front burner. (I suspect that I've submerged most of that time the way I submerged a lot of the time I was married.) But you! You are still there on the front lines with two or three kids, or you're so far out the other end that it's all coming back to you now.

So please help our friends who are just entering the tunnel of having two kids. What do you wish someone had told you:

1. Before you had your second?
2. In the first six weeks of having two?
3. When the baby was a few months old?
4. When the baby was a year old?

I'll start:

1. It's all going to be OK.
2. It's all going to be OK, so just keep everyone fed and you're doing an awesome job.
3. It's all going to be OK, but you need a break! Swallow your pride and ask someone to take the kids while you sleep or do something fun.
4. It's all going to be OK. Soon they will both be in school.

Now it's your turn.

Comments

[Jen]

I have 3 boys, each a year and a half apart.

1. Before you had your second?
That you won't have clones, no matter how alike they look so don't set yourself up for some disappointment when the second one ... loses more weight at first... cries more than his brother... doesn't meet X milestone by X time like the older did... etc. Try not to compare them. They will be different and require different things from you from the very beginning.

2. In the first six weeks of having two?
The house will be a mess. Get over it; the kids are your world right now. Cabin fever does eventually go away if you learn to love your home, mess and all. Also... however long it took you to get out of the house with one, double it for each consecutive child you add to your family. If one kid took you 30 minutes to get ready and out the door, allow for an hour with two.

3. When the baby was a few months old?
They're more durable than you think. Kid #1 still needs to be gentle but babies are pretty strong, believe it or not.

4. When the baby was a year old?
You'll look back and wonder what life was like with just one and why you ever complained about anything involving "how hard it was with a kid!" :-)

[nej]

How timely. I'm 34 weeks pregnant and E is 25 months and I'm starting to wonder what the hell I was thinking. Newborn and energetic 2 yr old indoors all day? Oh, that's a great idea! Pack them up and schlep them outside in the snow for a fieldtrip to Target? Sounds like fun!

Would love confirmation that I was indeed crazy, but that it'll all work itself out. And any helpful advice on how it's going to work? Well, that's bonus.

[Neener]

I have 4 and we homeschool, so no sending them off :)
The transition from 1 to 2 was the hardest for me. Just take it as it comes and you will adjust.

[Chaya]

A lot depends on how close they are together, but I've done 3 years apart and 21 months apart, and survived both.
So: things I wish people had told me, not by particular point in time:
1) You will mourn the loss of your exclusive relationship with the first, even as you celebrate your second and the new family dynamic
2)You will not be able to do certain things that you were able to do easily, but that is TEMPORARY..I have posted this before but it is so important..nothing is a FOREVER thing, it is all one day, or season of life at a time. If it is difficult to go to the playground or pool or do dishes or laundry or whatever, with two kids at specific ages or even three kids, that dynamic will continually change and evolve..you are not trapped in a difficult time permanently, and don't focus on the overwhelm of the situation (how will i EVER be able to x) but on the getting through day to day(how do i do X right now)
3)Spend time with them one on one when possible, it is enriching to them and you
4)Find the stores with double grocery carts and don't go anywhere else. It is not worth the savings for that nightmare.
5)Double stroller, sling-alternate according to situation
6)Weird, I know, but sometimes I leave the diaper bag in the car..somehow it just makes me feel freer to do things one in a sling, hands free to chase toddler, if a diaper is dirty, well, I'll go to the car and get it. That one less thing to carry makes me feel less encumbered
7) It is ok for them to have to wait on your attention. Even good. I think my oldest has truly benefited from having to think of other people's needs and not just her own. It has not harmed them at all to hear things like, you have to wait, your brother needs me right now, I only have two hands\ears, etc. That starts when they are babies...and sometimes it is SO good for the big one to hear, I am putting the baby down right now, even though he is crying, because I need to read you a bedtime story. And that is ok too. The baby will be ok.
8)YES on the GET HELP part. Whether it's just friends or neighbors in the same stages of life who you split things with, or a teenager or family member who can take kids for a walk or read to one, or fill in whatever pieces you feel like are falling through the cracks, or a little more tv than you really wanted...cut yourself some slack, you are not Supermom, and your kids don't need you to be...
9)What moxie said.

[Eva]

I think the most important thing to know about being the mother of two is that it's going to be really horrible for the entire first year. Just outright terrible. I suppose other people might have had an easier time than I did-- maybe if they had live-in help or loads of money to hire babysitters, or what have you. But, still, the amount of energy required to be patient and understanding with a demanding preschooler and infant while at the same time being utterly exhausted and getting only a couple of hours sleep each night, is extremely taxing and I'm pretty sure that is universal. I have two boys and my first was exactly 3 years old when the second was born. He had never been an easy child, and the arrival of his brother only exacerbated the difficulties. And the little one is STILL not sleeping well at 18 months, so the drama goes on. BUT I am happy to say that now, at ages 4.5 and 1.5, it is getting so much easier. The four and a half year old is happily moving towards maturity and logical thinking and is for the most part very sweet and helpful with his brother. Meanwhile, his brother is in the early throes of tantrum-central, but somehow it's so much easier having done it all before.
Both of my kids sleep in the same room and there are many, many nights when the little one wakes up the older one. What's amazing is that he takes it so well. Now, when I get anxious and upset about his brother's constant waking, he tells me what I always tell him: "Sometimes we need to be patient with people we love."
So, things DO look up!

[Amy]

I wrote a lot (far more than I can write in a comment) about having "two under two" at my blog...

http://prettybabies.blogspot.com/search/label/Two%20Under%20Two

I'm bad at labels, so there's more than that - particularly from the early days of the blog because I started when my second was 2 months old.

It is ALL going to be ok. My kids are 19 months apart, and that first year is kind of a blur, but I love having closely spaced kids now that they're 4 and 2.5. We're even thinking about a third!!

Just like having one, it gets a little bit easier every day.

[SarcastiCarrie]

1. Before you had your second?
It will be different than when you had your first. Your kids will be different. Your second might actually be a "better" baby than your first, and it won't be the non-stop suckitude you had the first time around.
Your entire life and home has already been re-arranged around having kids, so the change is far, far less engrossing.
The learning curve on nursing the second time around is much shorter. The baby has never done this before, but you (likely) have.
You'll make it out of the house more and earlier than you did with your first because you need to take the big kid places and things need to be done (and you're so over nursing in public the second time...baby's gotta eat). Unless you are stupid and had a winter baby the second time after having a spring baby the first time. Then, you will question why you didn't have a spring baby again in the 4 feet of sub-zero snow.

2. In the first six weeks of having two?
If the older goes to pre-school or day care, keep him/her there at least part-time. You'll get a break. The Big will get some stimulation. The routine will stay. It's awesomeness.

3. When the baby was a few months old?
After 6 weeks, two kids is pure bliss...until you go back to work. Enjoy it. After you go back to work...well, the evenings feel like you're running downhill into bedtime. It's non-stop from the time you walk in the door until you fall into bed. It's...hectic.

4. When the baby was a year old?
I'm not there yet, but I imagine as both kids get more independent, it will just get better and better.

Your mileage may vary, of course, but I had a challenging first birth and infant experience with some serious baby blues and what-have-I-dones and no sleep ever ever again. My kids are 3.5 years apart (I can't even imagine having had them closer than 3 years apart). So, my second was like a gift. He's so easy compared (and I know I shouldn't compare) to Number One. He sleeps. We nurse easily. We nurse anywhere. The less-emergency c-section recovery was a dream. The 8.5% weight loss instead of 10% was great! It's all been better.

[Mothering from the other side]

Ours our 22 months apart and now nearly 2 and nearly 4. A friend who has three once sagely told us 'One is like none and two is like ten.' We have said that to one another a thousand times. It's so true!

[Kate]

I'm newly pregnant with a second baby, who is due right around the first's 2nd birthday.

I already figured out with the first that I'm happier going back to work (great, flexible job - I currently work 3/4 time and we have center-based childcare that we're very happy with.)

So I'd love to hear others' opinions on work options for after number two arrives. I'll take off three months or so, but then what? Half time? 3/4 time? Full time and have the husband go half time or even take a year off? (He and I both work at the same awesome place.) It'd be a budget stretch for him to stay home full time, but we could probably pull it off.

Every possibility is on the table at this point.

[hedra]

I have four kids, 11, 7, 4, 4 (twins, not 'close').

1. Before you had your second?
Actually, I'll pass on something my best friend said before we had our second, because it was really useful. Your skills WILL increase to match the level of your need. It will take a while, like any time you build skills, but you will reach at least the same level of stress and chaos you had with your first (which, frankly, is probably a functional balance point - how much chaos we can live with vs how much effort it takes to beat it back). Some of that may involve changing expectations based on the degree of effort, but you WILL find that balance point again, a place you can live with.

Same friend said that she thought she was organized with one kid, but two proved her wrong. With two, she was much more organized for the same level of function. It was a reality check on her pride/ego, because she had been very certain of her superior skills with one... uh, whoops. It was a good reality check for her. And also good to realize that the level we think is our best is nothing of the sort - it is just where the work stops being worth the difference. And that this is okay, too.

Anyway, her telling me that was her way of saying that we all learn how. Our kids teach us. And we found that to be really true - after the first six months of each addition, we were back to similar levels - it was back to 45 minutes to get out of the house (it took that long with one, and after six months of having two it was the same, and after six months of having four it was the same).

2. In the first six weeks of having two?
That sibling issues can come out as fakey over-loving goosh. There was something alarming about the sing-song cutey overly loving statements coming out of my eldest (he was 4), set my nerves on edge. And he was also testing rules but only just enough to make me wonder if it was the age or the sibling or what. I discovered that managing the goo as a sign of jealousy/regret/dismay/greif in the transition from being an only to a sib was useful. I'd have done it sooner if I had any clue that the over-loving was a sign as much as aggression would be. Not too bad (two weeks to figure it out), but ASAP would be good. (Siblings Without Rivalry book was a help: both wording and reflective listening were really useful. Very fast turnaround to being okay with both liking and disliking having a sibling at the same time. He knew it wasn't the baby's fault, so he was loading all the upside into his talk to his brother, and loading all the conflict in my direction - it being mom's fault she had another baby, and not the baby's fault. Clever boy.)

3. When the baby was a few months old?
I wish I'd known that every toy in the house would have been mentally assigned by the elder as HIS property, even if it was a baby toy or a 'family' toy (like blocks). Actually, knowing that in advance would have been useful, so I could set up the concept of 'these are things we will share with all the kids in this house vs. these other things are YOURS'.

Also really wish I'd grasped the idea of work rugs by then (exposed to the concept but didn't apply it for years after that) - the work rug is a small area rug that identifies all objects placed on it as current work of the child's, and therefore off limits to other kids. It is a temporary ownership boundary, which is very useful for managing the 'family' toys. By crawling and slobbering age, protecting that boundary was really important.

4. When the baby was a year old?
Slightly over a year, actually - but privacy/alone-time/STOP FOLLOWING ME is important. We gated off the living room in part to help protect the older from being followed. It was problem-solving on our part, but it would have been nice to have someone just say 'hey, you know you can gate the younger one IN spaces, to leave the older one some room to be themselves' - most important because the elder is an introvert, and gets overwhelmed by the absolute worship and desire for interaction of his extrovert younger brother.

Ditto on all Moxie's points. It will be okay. Even if you have multiples, it will be okay.

Ooh, another one - this one taught me by having multiples: It is heavenly to get help. I felt entitled to the help with twins, but not so much with a singleton. MAN, I wish I'd thought I deserved the help with 'just' one, 'just' two... Granted, we have great help in general, and I never needed someone to watch them so I could shower (because ep did that), but having someone come over and just hang out and wrangle kids (with their kids or not) while we sort laundry or whatever is fabo. Being able to skip off to the grocery store on my own was also great. Being able to take the older on a date with me to some museum or park, also great. Extra hands required for that.

Also, if the transition to two seems horrible, do not assume that means the transition to three will be worse - often the 'horrible' transition seems to be the MAJOR transition, and after that, we have a sense of what we know how to learn - not that we know what we will need to do, necessarily, but I gained a sense that I knew the basics of how to figure it out, how to grow the extra brain space for another child's needs, preferences, style, issues. Frankly, I hit the wall with one child, total overwhelm - had to break down all my mental constructs and re-arrange my life. But once I did that, adding another wasn't as hard as people said it would be. My friends who had not rearranged their lives (and looked at me askance and with a bit of ego over their ease with one) then had another and WHAM, hit the wall there - and blamed it on the concept of having a second child. I don't think it is the second child per se, it is the intersection of where your skills are and where any child's needs and interaction place you compared to those skills. Those friends may have been lucky with an easy child, or more likely they were more organized and effective at that level than I was - but the same wall, just different times. I felt particularly bad for one mom who had wanted three but decided on only two after hitting that wall, on the assumption that they were 'not good at more than one kid' - but it was unclear to me if that was actually the case. Maybe. Maybe not - she had the same signs and symptoms of life-restructuring that I had with the first child, so I think she might have been able to find a GOOD way to work that third, and that it might have been easier. But not my place to choose for her. She assumed that it was an escalating process, essentially - each worse than the last. Not so, IMHO.

[CrazyMama]

My stats: SAHM, Two kids, 24 mo and 8 mo. Husband gone Mon-Thurs every week.

1. Wish someone would have told me how much longer it takes to get two kids out of the house than one. It does get easier and faster as the months progress.

As for 2-4, well, each day gets better and better. I love watching my two laugh and play together and I can't even remember what life what was like with one. Of course each meal and bedtime is just as crazy as the next, but all in all my two kids are worth it. Having different bedtimes has been improving the nighttime routine and so has putting house work down the list.

We're also considering a third and who knows maybe a fourth. I figure the real crazy days are when we have a house full of teenagers!

[Jen]

@Chaya RE: "Weird, I know, but sometimes I leave the diaper bag in the car..somehow it just makes me feel freer to do things one in a sling, hands free to chase toddler, if a diaper is dirty, well, I'll go to the car and get it. That one less thing to carry makes me feel less encumbered" - I ABSOLUTELY, TOTALLY, 100% AGREE!! Excellent point!

[JustHangingInThere]

I was not prepared for what life with two kids would be like! I knew it would be hard, but I had no idea just how hard. Since I had one kid I naively thought I was an "expert" on babies. I knew how to feed, change a diaper, and calm a fussy baby, etc. What I didn't know was that I was only an expert on "that" baby and I didn't know how to do all of those things while feeding, entertaining and potty training a toddler who was throwing a tantrum all at the same time! The logistics are so much harder!!! Just trying to figure out how to do a load of laundry was insurmountable some days! The washer and dryer are in an unfinished basement and I can't let toddler run around down there. Can't leave toddler alone with baby upstairs and I can't load washer and dryer while holding baby. Hmm, do laundry while they nap you say? Sure, if they would both nap at the same time! That never happened. My solution was to create a safe play zone for toddler so I could leave him alone upstairs for 5 min at a time and I had an extra bouncy seat in the basement for baby so I could quick change a load. Every little activity seemed to require so much planning. It seemed like a cruel joke of nature that so much brain power was required at a time when I was so sleep deprived! I cried daily.

When someone with one kid asks me what life with two is like, I like describe it this way: You know what your life was like before you had kids? And how much of a change a kid brought to your life? Well, the jump from 1 to 2 kids was as significant of a jump if not more as it was from 0 to 1 kids for us! Sure, you have all of the baby gear, but trying to satisfy 2 kids with very different needs is overwhelming and you're trying to do this while being so incredibly sleep deprived!

My best advice, take it one hour at a time. Find at least one person you can vent to. My daily calls to my SIL saved my sanity! She was (and still is) a sympathetic ear who just listened and encouraged me to hang in there because Moxie's right, it will be OK and somehow it does get better (around the 12 month mark for us). I never heard much about what life with 2 kids would be like. Personally, I think it's because most people with 2 or more kids want other people to share in their pain. Misery loves company!

[Cece]

Good god. I have a 9 month old and am 26 week pregnant with twins. (Do the math. I'm going to have 3 under the age of one)

I just keep telling myself it'll be ok. My current plan is to keep the older one in day care for the first month, and I'll have help at home (family/friends) for that month with the twins. Then, my nanny starts. I plan to go back to work full time once the twins are 12 weeks.

It'll all be ok. It'll all be ok. It'll all be ok (right!?!?!)

[SarcastiCarrie]

Ceca - It will all be OK. Hedra's still alive and has time to post. You'll be fine. Or you won't be and you'll ask for help and then it will be fine. I guess. It sounds like it will be hard, but you can do it.

[hedra]

@jen, had to laugh when I re-read your last comment - Ep and I will send the older two off with someone and pretend we 'only have twins' because MAN, that's EASY! Anything less than the usual dynamic we deal with every day is EASY. :)

@JustHangingInThere, my mom's favorite saying when we were little was "Phooey on 'Necessity is the mother of invention' - the real phrase should be 'Mothers by necessity are inventors'!" The problem-solving skills of wrangling two sets of needs in parallel, without any kind of perfect environment in which to do so - yeah, okay, so path A is shut off, path B is shut off, path C is shut off, I'll create a bridge over obstacle Z, take a left turn, cut back through option P, and end up at my destination. Phew! Wayfinding is a Mommy job, IMHO. As in 'I WILL FREAKIN FIND A WAY' heh.

Reading your post also reminded me that my parenting approach took something of a hit, as I learned that just because it worked with the first didn't mean it was total genius. But I at least had enough of a process orientation that I could grasp that it wasn't so much that I knew WHAT to do, but I knew how to figure out what to do. The observation and thinking skills were there, I just had to be more conscious of them. Knowing that I could trust trial-and-error as at least a fall-back approach, and that every stage was not forever eased up the pressure a little. I didn't know what WOULD work, but I trusted that I could figure it out if I tried. Eventually. And if not, they'd outgrow the stage anyway.

I guess it is really a spin on the 'I know how to be a parent' vs 'I know how to parent THIS child' - it is for me, 'I know how to *figure out* how to be a parent, even if it takes some time to do the full discovery process with any given child at any given stage'.

[Joceline]

My two are currently 22 months and 7 months, so I can't answer all of the questions, but I'll say the following:
-Put effort toward creating a healthy and loving sibling relationship from the beginning. Even with two "babies" so close in age, I've noticed this paying off in a big way. I certainly can't take all the credit, but the kids adore each other (at least for now), and that is a beautiful thing.
-Definitely in the beginning just try to keep everyone fed and their pants dry. If something extra gets done one day, pat yourself on the back and start again the next day.
-Try to get naptimes to coordinate, or if the older child isn't a napper, do a quiet time or rest time. You need to regain your sanity sometime during the day.
-Remember how much you marveled at how your first baby changed from month to month or week to week? That happens times two with two kids. Whatever is happening now probably won't be happening in a week, a month, etc. so don't feel like you're stuck in a cruddy place forever.

[Amy]

My advice: Remember how you waiting until your first child was 2 before signing him/her up for Mother's Day Out, and then agonized about whether you were making the right decision and whether the time away from you would negatively impact his/her self worth and security?
Don't do that with the second. Get them both out of the house for a few hours each week so you can breathe. They'll be fine, and you'll be sane.

[Amy]

That should have been "waited" - not waiting. Next time I'll use the "preview" button.

[hedra]

@Cece, yes, it WILL be okay. It will, in fact, be absolutely amazing okay. Work on gestating as long as possible (like go for the omega 3 enhanced eggs, if you eat animal products - get a dozen a week, it adds an average of 6 days to gestation duration) - full term (38+ weeks if possible) will help the early sanity. BUT, if not, you WILL STILL BE OKAY. I just ran into my ex-coworker who had preemie triplets, and while we couldn't exactly have a conversation for long (three conversations going at once in addition to mine, they're 3 years old now), it is good.

Get the help, at least 2 hours per day, 5 or more days a week. The difference in my informal poll between parents of multiples (regardless of number of previous kids) was this:

Group A - didn't remember the first four months at all, did all the work themselves.
Group B - first four months are a bit hit-and-miss, but some nice smiles and memories, got help.

Help should be at least to the 8-week by corrected gestational age point, IMHO. Add a retainer for help for when the elder or the twins are going through fussy stages/developmental disregulation (14 months, 17-22 months, etc.). You will think you are crazy at those stages, but it is Not You, it is just developmentally normal stuff.

Join an online group in addition to a local live group if you can. If you're more on the AP-ish spectrum, go for apmultiples (Yahoo group) - they have all been there (many with similar splits on ages, a few with multiple sets of multiples), and know how to help coach you through parenting the way you want to parent (within the bounds of sanity, without guilt for the fact that reality is reality, thanks).

I'm sitting here looking at photos on my desk of the boys (elder two singletons) at the National Building Museum, and above them, the girls grinning like fools sitting together on a swing (and remembering that it took me 10 shots to get them to both smile at the same time, heh)... and still warm fuzzying from this morning, where Miss R told Miss M that because flowers were blooming in HER (Miss R's) garden, Miss M could cut some from there, since hers weren't blooming yet. They could then pretend to get married (gag, sigh, where does this stuff come from?) with pretty bouquets of flowers. I helped them with the flower cutting, we worked out what could be cut from where, they traded flowers back and forth and negotiated how many could be cut vs how many were needed to be a GOOD bouquet (cough-extravagent-cough), and then trotted inside again to put the flowers in water so they wouldn't die (so much for the mock wedding!). It works. It works and it works out. There are fights and screaming fits and fierce territory defenses, and there is I've-got-your-back and sharing and amazing generosity and kindness. And mostly, I'm a coach and moderator and mediator and model, not a lunatic. Not perfect, not at all what I imagined, and a wealth of satisfaction and love.

You have the advantage of not having settled into being the parent of one before adding sibling issues plus twins issues to the mix. It will be a head-whack, and for a while it will be all keeping your head above water (watch for PPD for at least the first two years - the usual one-year-duration thing is not applicable with multiples, and the fussy stages require that extra help to keep you sane), but it grows. I won't say 'it gets better' because that's misdirection. It gets different, and the different starts to reflect in your skills, and the physicality drops. It gets less exhausting with time and practice, and it gets very good.

[hedra]

Joceline reminded me of another 'house rule' - with siblings this is more visble:

In 20 minutes, it will all be different.

If they're fighting, the fight will be over. If they're in perfect harmony, that will be over, too. The dynamics are ever-changing, but that also means we're not 'stuck' with 'bad'. Ever.

Okay, now I need to get back to other things...

[Jen]

I have a friend who has five between the ages of 3 and 1. (Singleton, triplets, singleton) She is still alive and thriving and she impresses me every day!

All this to say: It most definitely *WILL* be okay and we all have to believe it and tackle every day at a time.

Give her blog a read and it will make you smile. Her children are absolutely DARLING. http://noelandjennifer.blogspot.com/

[Meghan]

Just wanted to say a quick Thanks so much to everyone here for all your wisedom. I've got a 23 month old and a 3 month old, i've just gone back to work and ARGH it's hard!! Our little one is so sweet and a much 'easier' baby than her brother, but just managing two and trying to meet everyone's needs is definitely a challenge. Good to hear all the encouragement...

[enu]

Honestly 2 for me was not a huge leap. One was so high maintenance, Two barely registered as a change.

The hardest part of 2 was controlling firstborn while nursing secondborn.

The best part? Once they start playing together 1) there's nothing like that joy and 2) if you're lucky, they really can keep each other amused a lot.

One is currently having a lot of fun helping get Two off to college this weekend. One is organizer extraordinaire. Two is appropriately grateful ;-)

[Clare]

I found adding my second child was less disruptive than having the first one. I suppose for me going from "me" to "mother" was more difficult than going from "mother" to "mother of 2." Perhaps because I went back to work sooner with baby 2 (teaching very part-time), I felt like I got back into a groove quicker.

I was a more relaxed mother the second time around, and everything just seemed easier. My kids are 3.5 yrs apart, so I also did not have two very young children at the same time; my older boy started preschool when his brother was a few weeks old, and I think that gave him a sense of being a really "big boy." It is awesome watching them play together, and hearing my 2 year old ask for his brother as soon as he wakes up.

[paola]

Mine are exactly 24 months apart. Now DS is 4.5, DD 2.5.

I think I was pretty lucky as my first was (is still) an excellent sleeper, so I had no issues with him not sleeping to deal with n top of her not sleeping issues. I was VERY lucky that number 2 started sleeping thru at 6 weeks too ( until the 16 week regression, that is) so the first few months I was well rested and that I'm sure saved me from going into PPD ( which I had suffered from with my first. So one thing I can add to this discussion is that you don't necessarily get a second bout of PPD.

No. 1 didn't demonstrate much jealousy at all until later. I think that co-incided with his going thru the 2.5 year transition. Still he wasn't very jealous compared to what I've seen with other older children.

The hardest thing for me was when I introduced solids at 6 months old and started having to prepare food for her, my son who wasn't eating what we were yet, and us. At three different times of the day! Multiply this by 3 and I was always nourishing someone in my family at some point of the day. This went on for quite a while at least until no. 1 started to eat what we ate when he was around 3 ( she was 1)

The best part? When no. 2 started to have descent naps at 7 months. Also when no. 2 started crawling at 8.5 months and started joining her brother in their room to play.

[Stephanie (no longer in PR)]

I had a really hard time adjusting to my first. There was a lot going on in my life at the time and so adjusting to a new baby was hard. So, for me, I had built up the birth of the 2nd, but in the end, it was way easier than the first. I guess I thought it was pretty easy the first several months to just put #2 in the sling/carrier and do what we needed to do.

I was told over and over that I would love #2 as much as I loved #1. I couldn't see how this was possible, but it was true. I loved him differently - because I didn't really know him at first - but I did love him just as much as my first.

The other things that sticks out in my mind is that now, when I only have one, I sort of wonder why I used to find one so challenging. One is a piece of cake, now. So, you do adapt and your parenting skills increase to match the demands placed on you.

[Kelly]

My two are 25 months apart. I am a SAHM and the first few months were horrible. I have no family nearby, money was tight and no friends with kids that I could hang out with. I went to some dark places in my mind and when I told my husband I needed help, he looked clueless.

First of all, it does get better. You can't possibly give the same level of care to two children as you can one but even though I left my youngest in her crib crying a lot more than I did my first, she has turned out fine,loving and well adjusted.

In retrospect, I should have given up cable or take-out dinners in order to hire someone to watch the kids for a couple hours here and there so I could get out of the house. Instead I just trudged through it.

All in all the misery of those first few months is more than worth it when I see my children laughing together.

[Beth]

I have a 28 month old and a 4 month old (i.e., they're exactly 2 years apart).

What I've discovered so far:

-When my husband was on paternity leave and my mom was here, we were all busy all the time. I wondered how on earth I'd survive when they both went back to work/went home. I survived. It was fine. It didn't feel any busier really. You get on and do what you have to do. The work expands (and contracts!) to fill the time/hands available.

-My husband and I used to ask all our friends if the biggest adjustment was going from 0 to 1, or 1 to 2, or 2 or 3 etc... I've given up asking that of people. I think so much depends on the temperment of the children. 1 was fairly easy for us because he was contented and 2 was a big leap because she was kind of colicky in the first 3 months and it seemed that if she wasn't eating or sleeping, then she was crying. There are so many other factors (spacing, whether elder feels jealous or not, temperment, other life circumstances that you and your husband are facing) that have more to do with how easy or hard things are than the absolute number of children in the home.

-For us, however hard it is getting out of the house, it is still much easier than staying in. Energetic 2 year old boy indoors all day?? No way. We get out several times a day...we're lucky that we live somewhere where we can walk everywhere and the weather is mild year 'round.

-Making a conscious effort to connect, talk, and keep romance in our marriage has been very important. If that relationship gets too forgotten, everything else suffers.
I'm lucky/blessed/fortunate because my husband is a very involved father...it would be very hard if he wasn't.

-When things are hard (daily!) I find myself forgetting about the good hours and when things are good (also daily!) I forget how hard it can be. The good times are now far, far outweighing the hard times.

I'm enjoying reading everyone's comments and learning about the next stage/s. I do often find myself wondering when it will get significantly easier.

[Cloud]

I'm loving this post. I'm due with #2 at the end of the month. I'm so uncomfortably pregnant right now that I am actually looking forward to the chaos I know is coming.

Thanks, everyone, for all the ideas. @Hedra, that work rug thing is genius. I'm putting that in my "parenting ideas" Google doc for future reference!

[Jill in Atlanta]

1.(before) That I wouldn't have twice as much time busy, I'd have all of it busy. I wish I'd had more food in the freezer and people scheduled to help out.

2.(at 6weeks) That just because I didn't have PPD the first time doesn't mean I won't have problems the second time.

3. (at a few months) They are so, so different. I believe we are given the second child to teach us how little we really know. Just because the trick worked on your first child doesn't mean it will work again with this one. Try really hard not to compare.

4.(at a year) That when the second one learns to crawl it is hard all over again. And each time he reaches a new milestone it will have an effect on the older sibling.

But, over time, it does get easier!

[CG]

Thanks for these posts, everyone. I'm due in Feb. with my second a month after my first turns 3. I'm hoping that my experience will be like @Clare's. I found the transition from "me" to "mother" to be pretty wrenching. I can't imagine that this could be as much of an adjustment. Here's hoping. I also love the advice (and need to remember) that yes, it will cramp our style at first and no, that won't last forever!

[Jamie]

I am 34 weeks pregnant with my third and really enjoying this discussion! My first and second are 3.5 years apart, and I did not feel like going from one to two was that difficult. Seriously, it just felt like "more of the same." The transition to one was much harder for me, especially b/c #1 had terrible reflux that it took a while to control and I had next to no sleep for two months. I cried constantly. #2 on the other hand, would sleep, wake up every two hours to eat, and then go right back to sleep. I remember saying to my pediatrician in the early days of #2 "I feel so lucky that I have such an easy baby this time" and when I described her behaviour, he said "it sounds as if you have a 'normal' baby-- it's just the contrast is so striking to you."

I will say that having them far apart was mostly a blessing-- it was a HUGE help that #1 was capable of putting his clothes on by himself, was potty trained, attended a preschool program part of the time, and could articulate his needs clearly. But, on the flip side, he's an extremely attention seeking kid, so by the time #2 started to crawl and get into his stuff, we had to deal with a lot of passive aggressive behavior on his part towards sister (e.g. putting out his foot inconspicously to trip her, "accidentally" bumping into her, etc.). But, like all adjustments, nothing lasts forever! Today, they are for the most part very cute together and #2 worships her big brother. And now, in some ways I wish that I had had them closer together because although they do play together on occasion, this is fairly limited b/c of the difference in age and interests between them.

Another thing I should mention is that the age gap was not by choice-- I had several unsuccessful pregnancies b/twn #s 1 & 2, so I think it helped that by the time #2 came along, I was so grateful and felt so blessed to have her, that I constantly looked at her like she was my little miracle and this truly sustained me through even the most difficult times.

So, now I'm pregnant w/ #3, who will be about two years apart from #2. Did I mention I'm in a panic? That all of the things that I took for granted with my son being older when my second one came along do not apply? That I wonder how the heck I'll get the oldest off to elementary school in the morning w/a baby and a two year old in tow? That #2 is such a sweetheart and is at such a fun age and I'm worried that I'm about to turn her world upside down and not get the kind of quality time to spend with her that I do now? That I'm convinced that I have to have 100 frozen meals in my freezer so I've been caught in the throws of nesting insanity and have been making mini-meatloaves at midnight? That I'm in the middle of looking for a new nanny (I work part-time and will hire someone while I'm on maternity leave to ease with the transition for when I go back to work)?

Trying to look on the bright side, however. It did all manage to work out with two, #s 2 & 3 will be close in age and the same gender, - so I'm hoping this translates to a lot of quality play time together in the future. I also love the idea of a bigger family, and I absolutely adore babies.

Wish me luck, please!

[flea]

@Cece, there was a Moxie reader in your exact situation in the very early days of the blog - her name was Jessica, and she ended up with a 10 month old and newborn twins, and her motto was, IIRC, "Lactational amenorrhea my ass!" Moxie had a post of advice for her - scroll down here to find it in Jan 2007: http://www.askmoxie.org/2007/01/index.html

As a WOHM and someone who was knocked for a loop by no. 1 both in terms of identity and non-sleepingness, I found having a second to be much easier than I had feared. No. 1 went off to daycare starting when No. 2 was 3 days old, so I had my 8 weeks of maternity leave just taking care of a newborn - which it turned out I had learned to do with No. 1! Our biggest issue in the early days was making sure No. 1 got time with mommy when day care was over - we spent the 3 hours between 5-8pm together, and Daddy took care of the baby at that point unless he actually needed to be fed. Once he got mobile we had some issues - a baby gate in the door to No. 1's room kept a 3.5 year old's precious small toys safe from marauding brother.

[habeas]

I can't believe I'm the first with my particular piece of advice! Woot! I've really enjoyed reading the other posts above...

I've got an almost-5 yo and a 1 yo. The best advice I got in the last year: "When you have to prioritize between the baby and the older child, put the older child first as much as possible. She/he will remember and thank you, but the younger one won't remember the wait." I have found this makes my daughter amazingly helpful and loving in ensuring her brother's needs are met and sometimes she even says "That's okay, he's a baby, take care of him first."

[Sarah]

This is also very timely for me. I'm 37.5 weeks pregnant with #2, DS is 27 months old. I'm very much at that "What were we thinking??" stage and hoping to go well beyond our EDD just to have some more time to get used to the idea of two kids. I realize now that it might take several months (years?) get used to the idea. I'm in a bit of panic mode here... I had never even thought of how to do laundry. There are so many unknowns.

I think our saving grace will be part-time daycare. It's the days that DS is home with me and baby, and supper - bedtime (!!) that I'm worried about most.

Ack.

[Amy]

I am so glad to know I am not alone. I have 16 mos old twin boys and a 4 yr old girl. It has definitely been hard on me, going from 1 to 3 overnight! I did get help for a few mos. I had some post partum, I had no choice but to get help. I still don't remember much about those first few months, though.I am not used to asking for help, as most of us arent. I have survived. I am actually coming out of "survival" mode finally and getting back to "living" mode. I keep a good attitude. I dont let negative thoughts linger in my head.

[Cece]

You gals are all awesome. I'm going to go read the posts you've pointed me to....

And yep, @flea, "Lactational amenorrhea my ass!"

It will all be ok. It will all be ok. It will all be ok.

[toomuchstrong]

The biggest surprises of going from one kid to two kids is how much more relaxed I've become as a parent. With just one kid (a high-needs kid, but still just one), I was uptight about so many different things. I was also often nervous and insecure about my decisions. Having two little ones just makes me more easy-going, more social, more willing to explore. With two kids, you have to kick into survival mode at times and this mentality actually helped me overcome my insecurities. Maybe I just didn't have so much time to second guess myself....?
I'm an only child, so I think that the dynamics between two little ones have been surprising to me at times. I am also sometimes unsure if the fighting over toys and such is something I need to crack down on or if I should just let it go. I guess with time, I'll figure it out, but right now that is my biggest challenge. Now, had I had two "spirited" children, I would probably have gone mad. But as it stands, I thank God every day that my second one is a delightfully sweet child.

[Snarky Mommy]

I will not lie, it took us four months to find our sealegs after No. 2 came along. And my husband traveled for work three nights a week, so it was just me all day and all night many times. I thought I would die, but I didn't.

Now, we're having No. 3 and at least I know it will be hard, so I am prepared. This December I will have an almost 4 yo, an almost 2 yo and newborn. I will be a raving lunatic come New Year's!

Other tips: learn to nurse/feed hands-free or one-handed (when new baby is still floppy and can't hold it's head up, balance on boppy so you only need one hand) so you can use other hand to color with older child or read books or whatever.

TV is your friend. It is how you will take a shower for many months to come. Older child watches video, baby comes with you in bouncy seat in bathroom. Embrace it.

If help is offered, take it. Doesn't matter if it's five minutes or five hours. Hell, if grandma offers to take older child for five days, DO IT. It will save your sanity.

Know that things will get easier. Once baby is six months or older, schedules are more reliable. As soon as you can, get them on the same sleeping schedule. Even if they overlap for only a half-hour, that's a half-hour you get to yourself. Don't use it to clean. Use it to relax. Seriously.

Even if it seems impossible, get out of the house every day. The fresh air does you good and everyone will benefit from a change of scenery. Even a trip to Target breaks up to monotony. Plus, practice makes perfect when it comes to getting out with the kids by yourself.

A good double stroller, unless your older child is 4 or older, will save your life. Strap them both in and go for a walk to the park. Baby sleeps in the stroller and you can still play with older. Same concept with a sling or baby bjorn -- strap baby in and carry on with older playing games, etc. My youngest spent many an afternoon at the park in her first six months asleep in the sling or the stroller while I played with older.

Don't get hung up on baby sleeping in it's crib all the time, or you will never leave the house. It's OK for baby to sleep in the stroller, the sling, the carseat, the pack n play, etc. if it means you get out and about.

That's it off the top of my head. It does get easier, especially after the first four months. I will be reminding myself of this post when No. 3 comes along and I need to take my own advice!

[hedra]

Rereading the old Moxie article was interesting - I'd forgotten how much we did! It's just 'what we do', now. But at least my advice hasn't changed much on the parts I remember. A lot of it is same strategies, different ages. Huh. I still agree with what I wrote then, too. Interesting taking a look back at myself. That was just before we knew that Fructose Malabsorption was the cause of Miss M's severe anxiety. Such a different picture, now.

@habeas, one of the things we did (which is similar) was to apply adult-style grace and courtesy standards to the tending choices. That is, if I am in the middle of reading to the older child, and the younger starts crying, I ask about excusing myself from the current activity, rather than just dumping-and-running. I can use my judgment about whether it is a dire emergency or not, and tune my response accordingly, without it taking very much time at all. It presents the same information - that the older child is not devalued just because the baby is present, and the baby does not always 'win' by default. Being treated with courtesy and respect seems to take root in them pretty well, too. Likewise, returning to the previous activity with the same kind of courtesy words as I'd use if I interrupted a conversation with a coworker also conveyed the same conclusion - that I'm sorry for the interruption, it was unfortunate but doesn't indicate a lack of regard or respect, etc.

NOTE, however, that we had a good age gap between them, and they were pretty verbal kids, so the talky version was workable. For the smaller age gaps, you can use the words for practice and reinforcement and modeling, but it is the actions that they need. (And often, there's a way to do both - I had to remind myself with twins that voice, touch, and facial expression are each parts of the response, so if I could not solve instantly, I could still offer some kind of comfort response while attending to the other child).

[MrsHaley]

Demographic: SAHM to 2, 20 months apart, older girl is 2.5 & pretty intense, younger boy is 11 months and laid-back. Vasectomy 2 months ago, so no more.

1. Before you had your second?
Prepped and read and strategized for the 1st 6 months of pregnancy, then I was just READY to see how it was actually going to BE. So, not too scared due to overpreparation.

2. In the first six weeks of having two?
I remained on 'house arrest' by choice and did daily walkable excursions only. I have a large group of lovely friends who cooked dinner for us every other night for the first 6 weeks. LIFESAVER.

3. When the baby was a few months old?
Shell shock. ITA with a pp who said one is like zero and two are like 10. Going from 1 to 2 was AT LEAST as hard as going from 0 to 1. Maybe harder. I didn't feel like I had a handle on my life until 7 months. Even now, I'm not nearly as "together" as I was with only 1.

4. When the baby was a year old?
I'll let you know in 3 weeks. I still feel like I gave birth only about 6 weeks ago, so how could he be 1 yet?!?!

[attiton]

It's time for us to really decide if we're going from 1 to 2.

0 to 1 almost dissolved me. 1 to 2 can't be as bad, right? RIGHT?

[Rayne of Terror]

Hmm... I just had my second 3 weeks ago and so far the transition from 0 to 1 was a million times harder than from 1 to 2. My eldest is 4 3/4 and goes to preK 3.5 hours a day. This age spread is really really nice because eldest is so independent. Having the baby has made him want to do even more for himself, and he is exceedingly helpful at fetching me a diaper or a glass of water or a pacifier.

[ann]

I have two boys, who are 1 and 3 (exactly 2 years apart.) I wish someone had told me, "You're going to feel sad and sometimes tearful that #1 isn't your baby anymore, but down the road when you see them play together and laugh together and #1 includes #2 in every other sentence, you're going to realize the great gift that the new baby is for #1."

Also, someone did tell me (but I didn't totally believe it) that the oldest child still gets 70-80% of the attention. That has been true. Sure, the little guy gets more immediate attention when he's hungry or hurt, but on a hour-to-hour basis throughout the day it's my verbal 3-year-old who just ends up getting more of my focus. I sometimes feel bad about this disparity, but I also have come to accept this reality and realize that my 1-year-old is still thriving and happy. I guess the bottomline is that every child doesn't have to have that only child experience to be a healthy well-adjusted kid.

Good luck!

[meggiemoo]

It's interesting to me how many 2nd children are described as "easy-going" and how many 1st children are described as "high-needs". I have the same experience, and I remember a toy store clerk saying to me once, "First children tend to be more fussy and colicky because they sense the anxiety in their parents." It stopped me cold. Could that really be true?

I know for sure that I had so much more anxiety as a 1st-time mom than I do this time around. My DD is sunny, smiley, easy-going, a good sleeper...all of the things my DS was not. Is it him? Was it us? Probably a combination of both, honestly.

My DD is 5 months old, and I feel like I'm just starting to come out of the woods. But I fully expected for the transition to take an entire year. The way I figure it, it often takes a full year (experiencing every season) before *any* relationship gets on track. Why should it be different with our children? The first year of marriage is difficult for many people...the first year after a loved one's death, etc. Give yourself a year.

Going from 1 to 2 was life-altering. Knocked me for a loop. Now, being a 39-year-old mom instead of a 35-year-old mom, I can tell the difference. I'm more tired. The sleep deprivation wears on me more. Dinnertime is hairy. Time to myself is scarcer (usually from 9pm -10pm only, when I collapse in front of the TV).

But my DS makes my 5-month-old crack up, and I love love love that!

[Julie]

WOHM, 2 kids ages almost-4 and 7 months. I agree with Hedra, you either hit the wall after the first, or after the second. Or maybe after the third. At some point you hit it, and it's different for everyone. For me it was after the first. My entire life came screeching to a halt and it was hard hard hard. And it sucked and I hated it and loved it all at the same time. With the addition of a second, for me it was just more of the same. Not sleeping? No problem. Haven't really slept well in 4 years. Feel overwhelmed? Ya, been that way for a while. And with my second, things just MATTERED less. If he didn't want to eat, no problem. If he has a bad night, tomorrow (or the next, or perhaps one next week) will be better. Perspective was what I found with the second. But everyone is different, and every kid is different.

1. Before you had your second? I worried about what kind of baby I would get - a really, really hard one? My first was difficult for ME, but in the grand scheme of things, he was pretty easy. So I was worried. And the baby did some serious aerobics in my stomach from about 11 PM to 3 AM, so ya, anxiety over what was going to come out was at the forefront of my mind.

2. In the first six weeks of having two? It was great for me. I enjoyed having the diversity within the house. A 3.5 year old who could do fun and interesting things and say funny and interesting things. And when that got tiresome, I had a yummy baby who just wanted to cuddle and nurse and be near me. And when that got tiresome....back to the 3.5 year old.

3. When the baby was a few months old? More of the same. Got my sea legs and really was comfortable schlepping them both around with me to wherever. My husband is still terrified to have them both. Which I actually take a great deal of secret pleasure in. And those who know me probably understand why.

4. When the baby was a year old? Not there yet. Should be interesting. I am noticing that with the second, time is FLYING by. While with the first, it continues to crawl at a snail's pace. My belief is that first children grow up slowly (and sometimes painfully) and second children grow up in the blink of an eye.

If you can afford it, preschool is money well spent. Even just part time will save your sanity and allow you time alone to be with just the baby. And being with JUST a baby will amaze you with how easy it is. You will want to reach back into the time-space continuum and give your old self a good shaking and tell her to appreciate how easy just having one is. But alas, it's not easy, and it wasn't easy. It's never easy. It just IS. Good luck!

[hedra]

@meggimoo, actually, science supports that firsts are more anxious on average than further kids. HOWEVER, the key issue is actually growth, not order. It correlates more to size-per-gestational age than it does to birth order. But we know that it is QUITE common for first borns to be smaller than later kids.

The research I saw on that (no time to track it down, sorry) speculated that parents may initially be more anxious with their first, but that it is a feedback process as well - if the baby is mellow, parents relax, if the baby is not, parents may ramp up more in response. Firstborn large for gestational age babies tended to have mellower parents perhaps in reaction to the child being mellow.

So, correlation, not causality. Certainly, my most torqued child in terms of need and anxiety is the one who was smallest for gestational age. She wasn't the firstborn. They go like this:

6 lbs 10 oz at 38 w 3 d (most anxious even on her proper diet)
8 lbs 12 oz at 42 w 1 d (next most anxious, first born, but not really very anxious, probably would have been around 7.5 lbs at 40 w)
7 lbs 6 oz at 38 w 3 d (would have been 8.5 or so around 40 w, not much anxiety to be found)
9 lbs 6 oz at 40 w exactly - what, me worry?

heh. So, I'm going with the growth/organ development and impact to dopamine processing function as a result (plus genetics, but we know they're all intertwined) as the primary keys, and parental response as secondary.

[Julie]

Oh, a couple more things: This may seem counter-intuitive, and for many it might not work at all, but when the baby was about 3 months old, I abandoned naps for my older son on the weekends (he naps at school during the week). It was just too much to juggle for me, I became upset and frustrated at the idea of a lost 2 hours to myself that I was hoping for when he didn't nap...and he's old enough that he's usually fine not napping for a couple days here and there. A bonus was that on days with no nap, he goes to bed a full hour earlier, so I just take my alone time then. Life is simpler for me managing one child's naps. I know if my older were younger (say younger than 3) this would not be an option. But we are close enough to dropping the nap that I figured we could swing it.

The second thought I had was to buy a white noise machine for each child's room. This not only masks the sound of a baby crying all night long (especially for some sleep training) but masks the sound of a preschooler yelling at the top of his lungs that he Will.Not.Sleep. Just makes things easier for us, and I don't have to spend naptimes and after bedtimes saying to my older "shhh! Be quiet! Your brother is sleeping!" I don't know about you, but I HATE being shusshed. By anyone. So I'm sure my older son hates it too.

[carmen]

I haven't read all the posts yet but I LOVE that this is the topic today! I'm 33 weeks pregnant with my second and my son is 2 1/2. All the things I was worried about!

@Sarcasticarrie: Your first post made me feel so much better... except the comment about having a winter baby after a spring (that's me!)... I've wondered myself what the hell I was thinking!