It's ironic that I scheduled Vanessa's piece about working with babysitters yesterday. Yesterday morning I fired our full-time babysitter who'd been with us for about three weeks. The kids loved her, but she was late to pick them up from school three times in two days, and two of those times she was more than 30 minutes late.
There is more to the story (she appeared to be dodging me and wouldn't answer her phone or call me back while she had my kids so I had no idea where they were or if they were OK), but the latenesses were enough for me. With older kids, the whole point of a babysitter is being there at the right time.
So I'd like to talk today about what's acceptable and what's not. How do you know when you need to fire a babysitter? What's something you'd give a second chance for? (I gave a second chance after the first late pickup, for instance, but no second chances on not telling me they were OK.)
Are there warning signs to look out for? And what's a reasonable expectation?
Please share stories of situations and talk about whether you kept working with the babysitter or not, and what your process was. It'll help me and all of us. Opinions welcome from people in all situations, of course.
@Moxie - Good for you for setting boundaries & knowing when to move on.
Amen, @Anon - Trust your gut & especially trust your dog's gut! I love it.
@Losing Sleep - You're the boss. I urge you to get rid of her now. She doesn't respect your wishes, and these kinds of relational things always only get worse, not better. And your child really is at a great age to make a transition into a new care situation. Be brave - yes that is your gut trying to tell you something!
@The PP who mentioned sitters having over their boyfriends - oh HELL NO!!! That would be a pretty big trigger for me. I will never trust random males around my kids. See "Protecting the Gift" for more on this - and Amen @Jan it does help us worry less.
For those of us passive gals out there who hate face-to-face confrontation, "The Economy" is a widely-accepted reason these days to cut back on hours, pay, etc, where we have doubts and/or unmet expectations we don't feel we can discuss with the caregiver. But then again, if we have doubts we don't feel we can discuss with the caregiver, we probably have an underlying personality fit issue and really shouldn't be employing the person in the first place.
Our sitter firing story (a relatively minor one): We didn't ask back a neighbor's 17-year-old daughter because she didn't follow our simple, specific instructions about putting our toddler to sleep in our bed (we co-sleep). Instead, she decided to put our toddler into the baby crib we had set to the highest newborn setting (as we're expecting baby #2 any day now) - where our toddler of course climbed out after puking in there from being so freaked out. When we got home, my pregnancy hormones got the best of me, and though I am normally passive I bluntly asked her "WTF??" - I was also pissed that she didn't call right away to tell us, and she said she thought the crib was safer than our bed, so I explained about the different settings, the bed rail on our bed, etc. Well, at least she apologized. She's not a "bad" sitter, BTW, just not a good for our family - I'm sure she'd be perfectly fine with a lot of folks. That's my long-winded way of saying fit (fit between parents & caregiver, AND fit between child & sitter) really matters.
Posted by: hush | September 18, 2009 at 12:40 PM
We let one go after she taught my then-2-yr-old "Oh my God, puck me, puck me." Unintentionally, of course. Our first babysitter in a new state - we felt totally at sea!
You did the right thing - if someone can't tell you your kids' status, find someone new. How hard was it to do that on short notice??
Posted by: Katy | September 18, 2009 at 02:57 PM
I fired a licensed home daycare provider after three weeks when my daughter was about four months old. Always awkward, especially for me, who hates anything smelling of confrontation. Reasons:
- Lied about it being a non-smoking home. Picked up daughter in afternoon and smelled cigarette smoke where kids were playing in the basement. Turns out her husband smoked, "but only outside".
- We agreed to a 7:15am-4:30 day, but in only a short period of time, I was frequently being asked to not bring daughter until "after 9:45" on such and such day, or to pick her up by 4 on another day. I understand that she had a family and things going on, but I didn't expect this to happen four times in just three weeks.
- Attitude. My husband was growing increasingly uncomfortable with her and for awhile I made excuses, but I got to a point where I grew tired of it myself. Nearly every afternoon when I picked the baby up, the provider had to express some issue with her. It was either how "gassy" my daughter had been, or how badly she napped, or how much she spit up. It wasn't just telling me how her day was, but rather it was complaining. When we switched to the daycare center where we've been now for 2 years, we never heard a word in the infant room about her gas, napping, or spitting up, unless it was something unusual. I'm sure she had gassy days, crummy sleeping days, or times when she spit up. But being normal baby behavior (assuming the baby's not sick), it just wasn't a big deal.
Posted by: Stephanie | September 18, 2009 at 03:03 PM
Losing sleep- the clothes thing freaks me out. Doesn't sound good.
Posted by: Mary | September 18, 2009 at 03:13 PM
I learned recently that not all things are as obvious as I think they are. We've had our 16-year-old neighbor babysit our 1-year-old a couple of times now so we could go to evening events. The last time, I found soda in my daughter's sippy cup after I had already paid the sitter and she'd gone home! I guess telling a teenager that my daughter eats "pretty much everything" was a bad idea. I'll have her babysit again, as my daughter seems to like her a lot. But, I will be very specific with my instructions. My daughter also goes to daycare 2 days a week. They do things a little differently than I do, but I think that's okay. From almost the beginning, my daughter has seemed to be able to differentiate her routines at home vs daycare. For instance, at daycare she only took 1 long nap (the whole class naps together), but she still went down easily for 2 at home. I understand that they have to do things differently there as they are 2 people with up to 14 toddlers vs just me and my daughter. Again, she's happy when I drop her off (she smiles and tells me "by by" as she reaches for her teacher)and when I pick her up. I can look through a little window without the teachers knowing I'm there, and she's happily playing. She even brings home art projects! They provide a disciplined environment, without ever "punishing" the children. I overlook the cafeteria type food they serve the kids and the fact that they only go outside about an hour/day (they do go into the gym a little more), because she's not there every day, and the teachers are so patient, kind, and engaging with the children.
Posted by: Janey | September 19, 2009 at 12:02 AM
I recently started sitting two - three days a week for a lovely couple I met at prenatal class as she's gone back to work but I've elected to stay home. As a sitter, I am totally okay with them having slightly quirky rules about their kid and things like food, sleeping, etc. But what I am finding a bit challenging is I get an email the night before letting me know what time they'll be dropping her off and picking her up. Its a new arrangement with many kinks to work out, but I have a life outside of babysitting that includes part time jobs, socializing etc and not knowing what my day is going to include until the night before is frustrating. So while I can appreciate that lateness etc is important from the parents' perspective, being respectful of the sitter's time is also important. Above all, its a relationship between two not just employee / employer in my world.
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