Life fluency FAIL

Crash and burn on the morning commute. Subway screwed up and going local the whole way. (For those of you not lucky enough to be exposed to the horrors of public transit, an "express" train skips stops so it covers more territory faster, while a "local" stops at every stop. The worst-case scenario for the carefully-timed express train commute is that the train "goes local" in the middle of the trip with no warning. Yeah.) Boy 1 late for school, which cascaded to Boy 2 being late for school, which cascaded to my arriving at work 7 minutes before a really important conference call I was leading.

Safety nets. I do not have one.

Who else out there is operating without a safety net? Is there anything to be done about this?

At work I can rely on co-workers to help pick up slack if I need it. I don't have this in any other area, unless I can pay someone to do it. I know I'm not alone. It feels like there should be some kind of way to make this easier on all of us. Ideas? I can't think of anything other than living in communes...

Comments

[pnuts mama]

just wanted to co-miserate on the whole lack-of-safety-net thing.

we have been in the midst of this for years. it is taxing, stressful, draining, and doesn't get easier as the years go by and the responsibilities increase. i wish i could say we have a better social network but we don't.

what we do have is an awesome babysitter (found on sittercity- i totally recommend for regular or irregular use) and occasional family to rely on. what we are in the midst of is locating 24/7 care for my uncle (quick downward spiral this past month- good times) which will add an obvious safety net for him.

but for the shit like today when the pnut is home sick from school and i have no one to watch her so i can run into my office to do paperwork that was due yesterday and now we have to pay a fee on? no, no safety net.

@mrshaley- right on, girl.

[Anon]

I'm sorry you had to deal with such a crapcicle today. I hope things are much improved for you tomorrow, and please know you're not alone.

Can I vote that you write a post on creating your own safety net? because I am counting myself among the _I_have_none's_. No family, no responsible friends, a husband whom (I've just come to discover) is an addict and completely unreliable.. and until such time as I've scraped myself off the bottom of someone's shoe, and started over, boy would I like to create some safety nets of my very own and feel secure for the first time in a very long time.

[CaliBoo]

@Cloud, you were very polite in describing San Diego's craptacular public transit "system". The only thing that keeps me from losing my mind as a driver on the 15 is the sheer variety of hazards and causes of delays.
But back to safety nets: We have no family in town - BUT - beautiful wonderful benefit of my husband's company is "backup care". Basically, if DD is healthy and we have no care for the day, we take her to the center. If she is sick and not fit to be around other kids, SOMEONE COMES TO OUR HOUSE. I am not kidding. This benefit can also be used for an adult that needs care. Now that I know about it, I can't believe that every employer doesn't have this.
Other than that, my only safety net is building goodwill and lowering some of my expectations. I was always late for school as a kid, and I turned out fine...

[Jennifer]

I rely on my in-laws and when they cannot step in for a minute I have zero baby-sitting/help me out fellow mom options. Which resulted in me taking both kids to the doctor yesterday while I had a blood draw (4 vials) two chest x-rays (kids screaming out in the hallway with the receptionist while x-ray tech did the pics) and an EKG. I think they have been traumatized forever.

[eep]

I just wanted to thank everyone for encouraging me to ask my friend for help. I know my post sounded kind of hyperventilated, like I was going into labor next week. In truth, I have months to go. I know my friend would be happy to help. I just hate the thought of calling at 3 am, even though I was her backup and would have happily gotten in my car at 3 am to pick up her oldest.

I think there is sense of shame about needing to ask people for help. Some of it is about needing help. But I also think, I know it is true in my case, that I am ashamed of my lack of safety net. Maybe if I was a better person I would have loads of really close friends, like all those people on TV. In reality, I have only had a handful of really close relationships in my life. Perhaps I worry about what that says about me.

That is a convoluted way of telling me that the world tells me I should have lots of fulfilling relationships with people I can call on day or night. I don't, so I worry that means there is something wrong with me. And if I do call my friend in the middle of the night because I am in labor, she will know that I don't have many friends.

[mom2boys]

@eep - goodness, I would think that if someone called me to help with labor childcare, I'd be so concerned that I was doing all that I could to be the help they needed, I wouldn't have time to wonder why they had called me in the first place, except that we had talked about it as a possibility and here it was.
I have one very best friend. My partner has two best friends that have become my very good friends. Outside of these three people I have acquaintances that would find a call from me in the middle of the night quite odd - but as many have said they may be happy to help in an emergency.
I don't think you need to worry about what your one friend thinks about your overall friend count. :)

[Sherry]

Don't have time to read comments, but I think about living in a commune all the time. That must be a normal urge once you have children. The isolated way we live obviously isn't optimal.

[SarcastiCarrie]

A neighbor with whom we are friendly (but not super-close) recently had a babysitting failure and asked if we could be the emergency back-up adult supervision for her.
Her 12-year old was going to be staying home alone with the 4-year for the first time ever (after a babysitting failure). She trusted her 12-year old enough to do this, but if there was a problem, they were going to be at a baseball game 45 minutes away. If there was any problem, the 12-year old was going to call his mom's cell phone and then she was going to call us to handle it if she couldn't handle it over the phone. Because we all know how hard it is to ask a stranger for help, we weren't comfortable leaving it up to the 12-year old to call us (and to the 12-year old, we're basically strangers).
And my husband and I were so honored. So honored that she would call us and ask us to do this (even though it didn't actually involve us doing anything, as it turns out). We were out and about and drove by the house a few times just to make sure it all looked under control, but other than that, nothing required. And now, I feel like if I had to take one of the kids to the ER, I could call and ask her to watch the other one until my MIL could get there or until we got home. It was so nice to know she thought of us that way, so we could feel the same about her.

[Nick]

I didn't read this yesterday b/c I was out dealing with a family emergency-- my mother had an "ambien accident" and gave her self a black eye in the middle of the night and when she came to, I had to abandon work and get her to the ER to get her checked out since she was still vomiting and on blood thinners for her heart. I was able to leave her at the ER to pick up kids at daycare and deposit them with friends, since my husband was out of town, of course. Mom was essentially fine, and she was sent home for rest with some pain meds and an antinauseal. I got mom home, tucked her up in bed, cleaned up the vomit she'd left about the house (thank heavens on the tile!!!) with one of her friends there to keep her company. Then went home to relieve my friends and put my kids to bed AGAIN.

But all the while I was thinking, my Nos. 1 & 2 personal backups are down-- husband out of town and mom being the crisis. But Backup No. 3 was in great shape, and Nos. 4 & 5 offered to help when they heard about the situation, as did some people at work. And that's when I realized I really do have a decent safety net for emergencies in this town.

But Moxie, your situation yesterday morning sounds more like one where no safety net could help-- the same as if I ran into a unexpected traffic jam. For such situations, I've become very skilled at making sure that I do not treat it as a crisis-- that goes a long way towards people (i.e. my boss) not getting put out.

[hush]

@Mrs. Haley - Amen, sister! That is some print-out worthy, spot-on, cultural zeitgeist stuff you said there (9/29 @ 2:25pm).

@Cloud & @Nej - Hope the "waiting for baby" game is not too painful/annoying for you. I'm 40+ weeks right now, and am having a very crappy time dealing with my "busy" 23-mos. old monkey/DS's shenanigans which have most recently involved throwing glass bottles of soy sauce, a dozen raw eggs, and a jar of marinara sauce onto the living room carpet. Fortunately, we are all stocked up on some reliable (but probably toxic) carpet stain remover (Spot Shot). And maybe he'll be a chef someday? Yum. I'm hungry.

[Cloud]

@nej- from your keyboard to the labor gods, OK? I can't believe I'm still pregnant- especially since I've been having contractions for two weeks now. Grrrrrr.

@Caliboo- our public transit is remarkably bad, isn't it? It works great for getting people downtown (I always use it for jury duty), but most people don't work downtown anymore. I couldn't face a commute on the 15. I had to do it for about 3 months once, after a company merger, and I just about went insane. And I was going against the worst of the traffic!

@eep- your follow up post is really insightful. I agree with mom2boys, though- I would be so focused on the practical if a friend called for help that I wouldn't think about anything else. If I did think about it, I would think that there is a difference between a close friend you'd go out with and a close friend you'd trust your child with, and be honored that I fell in the latter category.

To the anon whose husband wants flirty- yeah, I'd be pretty annoyed with that comment, too. And really annoyed that it came with a threat of divorce. I think Elle might be on to something, though. It is really hard to keep the couple thing going through having kids, and I think we aren't prepared for that by the messages our culture sends us. I suspect men are even less prepared for it than women. So maybe your husband has some unrealistic expectations, and it would help to sit down and try to talk through what is really bothering him and find realistic solutions. Hubby and I used to have Friday night beers after we got the baby to bed, and I was amazed at how well this did for keeping us feeling like the couple we used to be (we used to have Friday nights at a local pub). We weren't able to start this until we were through the worst of the sleep deprivation, and its been put on hold for most of my pregnancy... but I anticipate reviving the idea in a few months.

I read an article somewhere about how we approach marriage all wrong- we're encouraged to pick our mates based on romance and flashy displays of affection. What we really should pick on is whether or not we'll work well together, because running a household is a bit like running a small business. I have to say, my Hubby is not the most romantic (he has his moments, but he is an engineer....) but he is great at the teamwork thing. Sure, I'd like flowers now and then, but I'll take a clean bathroom over flowers any day!

[caramama]

Thanks for everyone's comments, ideas and comisserations on my situation. I will definitely talk with hubby about calling in some relief for us over the weekend. I think maybe my inlaws are coming up either this weekend or next, and they are really great at providing us with all sorts of help.

I had a thought about creating support networks. I have a friend who looked into mother's groups when she moved into a new area. She found a good one with other SAHMs and meets with them regularly. She is now getting to know them well enough to start calling if she needs to and offering help where she can. I know it can be scary to put yourself out there like that, but it really can be a great thing.

I have comments for lots of other people... in theory. I'm just too exhausted to be more coherent now. I hope what I wrote makes sense. ;-)

[Jac]

@Cloud, I think your comment about viewing a marriage as a small business is really insightful. I agree 100%. It's not all rainbows and butterflies every moment, but what makes us great is that we are a team in every sense of the word. And we laugh a lot. Sexiness, flirtation, lust, even love sometimes, can come and go. But if that sense of being on the same page, running in the same direction isn't there, I think that would be really difficult. I guess that is why my husband is always my first safety net.

I, too, would be honored if just about anybody asked me to be their emergency back up.

[anon]

I guess this is my question- where did we come up with the idea that the couple relationship is more important than the family relationship. This seems to me to be a historical anomaly and frankly, selfish. I know I am in the minority on this and that many people achieve this to great couple and family satisfaction. I think this is wonderful. I am just not convinced that it is realistic to have this be the standard for everyone. And where not meeting this unrealistic standard results in divorce, children pay the price.

[Tzipporah]

"Sure, I'd like flowers now and then, but I'll take a clean bathroom over flowers any day!"

This comment made my freaking day.

Amen, sister.

[Mary]

On the side topic of picking a mate, I think I read the same article and it mentioned these litmus tests:

would you want to run a small business with this person?

would you want to have a child who looked and acted exactly like this person?

I think there were a few others I can't remember. Good stuff.

[Charisse]

Been thinking about this more (everbody else has probably moved on already) and realizing that safety net is part of the issue, but a big part of what's going on here is feeling like there's no margin for error on a daily basis.

Having things set up, unavoidably, so that if one little thing (subway) goes wrong it all goes to sh*t for the day. Or if a kid takes too long to go to sleep, there's a whole chain of dominoes involving undone laundry, late dinners, not enough sleep, late work, etc.

The problems have similar effects on our ambient stress level, and possibly similar solutions (a backup is one kind of margin for error) but not entirely. And I don't know the answer on margin for error, but it seems worth talking about.

[mom2boys]

Yes on the margin for error theory.

[maria]

@Charisse, exactly, that's my life in a nutshell. Dinner is a half hour late? So is bath, bed, then P is overtired, goes to sleep late, I don't get bills paid (or whatever my job is that night), we sleep late in the morning, etc. etc. That is why I have become militant about bedtime and dinnertime, which is why I miss out on a lot of social stuff, community involvement, and mental health stuff. I simply can't do anything after 6pm. It makes my life very narrow, and no room for anything but kid-related.

[caramama]

@Charisse - So true. I get especially stressed out at the time leading up to dinner and bedtime if we are anywhere but home. Even at my parents, because 6:30 dinner time is flexible for them. I've still got to get the Pumpkin fed, nurse the baby, get us back home and into the bedtime routine and to bed so I can still do dishes and whatever else so I don't have to do them in the morning which will make us run late and then get to work late which means leaving work later than I want and on and on and on.

No margin for error.

It's why we love weekends with little to nothing planned. We take it as easy as possible.

[hush]

@Caramama - I predict I'm going to be in your exact shoes in a few short weeks, and I think I'll want someone to remind me that, like you, I'm lucky enough to be married to a man who is supportive, pulls his own weight 99.9% of the time, and is someone I still enjoy life with. Remember that you are in Survival Mode, just like anyone who has added a new child to their life is for about the first year. It's a time when relationships are tested and we're not our normal selves. I wonder if perhaps your DH doesn't really want to change his nighttime routine with your daughter (it's long but it works, he likes bonding with her that way, and/or he wants to keep things consistent for her)... or if perhaps he's thinking it's better for the overall health of your family right now if at least one parent and one child is getting some good sleep. That being said, I can see why you might be feeling very unsupported now, and how effed up you must feel when your sleep needs are taking a backseat. I really don't have any concrete solution for you, other than to give your DH his much-earned benefit of the doubt and keep talking it out so as not to let the resentment build up.

@Anon married to someone who wants more "flirty" from her - The good news is, you're hearing this negative news now, and he came directly to you with it-- instead of finding yourself in a scenario where you found out after the fact of infidelity or filing divorce papers. It's natural to be afraid of this perceived "threat," but try not to be. It is a really good thing that he told you what his need is - and that he actually knows what his need is in the first place - that's a sign he is still committed to your relationship. I know you understand it, but are totally irritated by his request - and I totally get that - no one likes to feel like they are "parenting" their spouse plus 3 kids. But do not ignore his statement. Ask him for a list of 3 actionable things you could do to make him feel that you find him desirable, and choose one item from his list that you can commit to doing - don't make fun of it; pick the most reasonable one and just do it. Then give him your list of 3 actionable things he could do to make you feel like your needs (I'm guessing the need for some "me" time? the need to feel like you are not responsible for the the feelings of the whole world?) are being met, and have him pick one that he can genuinely commit to doing. (I've used this in my own imperfect marriage & got the idea from the excellent book "Getting the Love You Want" by Harville Hendrix.) Best wishes.

On that note, Harville Hendrix's theory of martial/partner selection is that we subconsciously choose mates who have the same negative and positive qualities of our parents. Then we subconsciously re-enact our unfinished business from childhood with them, sometimes unwittingly setting them up to fail.

@anon (9/30 @ 1:01pm) - yes, the idea that the couple relationship is more important than the family relationship seems to be the dominant worldview right now. I think it's an offshoot of the relatively recent historical phenomenon of middle class divorce (whereas divorce used to be the province of only the very rich). The divorce rates make people want to philosophize: why did that happen? Aha - they didn't "put the marriage first." I don't know what I think is most important - I tend to think it's all about balance. After having kids, let's be real- it is unrealistic to think one can or should put the marriage "first" all of the time. But I think the concept makes at least some sense based on a lot of people's lived experiences - kids who don't get some emotional needs met in a conflict-filled environment, some of the reasons people cite for wanting to divorce "the love is gone," "life's too short to live without passion" etc. all suggest that a measure of harmony and respect between the parents has positive effects for the whole family. Which is why I never make the mistake of equate marriage with success or divorce with failure. Life is rarely that simple. I think people seriously underestimate how hard raising kids can be on even the healthiest relationships! ;)

[Cloud]

@hush- you totally win for crappy waiting for labor experience. I'm 40 weeks today. My parents are here now, helping keep the active 2.5 year old happy and everything running. I'm going to nominate my mother for some sort of award. She is very patient about playing in Pumpkin's play house with her.

I totally agree with Charisse and everyone else about having no margin for error most times. It is probably the hardest thing about our current life set up. We did discover, while on vacation, that Pumpkin is a little more flexible in meal times and bedtimes and even napping than we'd thought. This has given us some breathing room we previously hadn't thought we had. So for some of you- maybe some extra space is coming soon!

@anon- I can tell you that Hubby and I have our good and less good times as a couple (luckily, no really bad times yet), but generally manage to keep the family functioning well. And that seems to make us both happy. But I do try to carve out some couple space for us from time to time. We're lucky to have good babysitting options for the occasional night out. And we are super lucky to have my parents, who will come over and give us a night away from time to time. This ROCKS and is my number one recommendation to anyone who can make it work. There is enough time to make both of us happy- sleep, conversation, sex, drinks, dumb TV.... I'll leave it to the reader to decide who wants which things! Anyway, we always come back from one of those nights feeling so recharged, both individually and as a couple.

However, there have definitely been long dry spells between date nights and nights away. During those times, we use date lunches (we both work in the same general area) and Friday night beers (or recently, beers for him, ice cream for me) to keep us connected.

[caramama]

@hush - Very good points. Thanks for that. I realize that I keep thinking we should be out of "survival mode," but we just aren't yet. Yes, it's gotten much easier than the first few weeks, but it still takes time to adjust everything and figure everything out--while it all keeps changing. As others have said, I just need to get through it. And after a decent night's sleep (he sleep for 2 hours at a time for most of the night!), I am feeling better able to deal with everything.

@anon - I really do think the couple relationship is a very important one to keep up with because it does influence the family relationship. I don't think it is MORE important than the family relationship, but probably as important as each child/parent relationship. Let me try to explain what I'm thinking.

When my 2.5 yo is acting up, often it is because she needs some one-on-one attention. If the baby is napping or my husband takes him, then I can sit down with my daughter and play with her or read to her or take her on a walk. Then, she feels fulfilled in that need she had. She goes back to playing with her toys or whatever and does not resent the baby/husband/whoever for taking up all my time and time away from her. Same for the baby, who even at 3 months has some obvious needs for one-on-one time, but in different ways than my daughter. Well, same is true for my husband, and me. In order to truly maintain our connection with each other, we need to ensure we have one-on-one time with each other (only with adult-type interaction from talking to being physical). More than just passing ships in the night calling out who went to bed when. When we don't have this, we get more easily frustrated with each other (see my initial comment in this thread) and it affects the overall family dynamic.

So maybe I think that each one-on-one relationship is a very important relationship and requires upkeep and management as much as we can in order to keep the relationship healthy and strong. Each of the individual relationships affect the overall family relationship, and all of those relationships have interweaving dynamics with each other. But different relationships need to be prioritized at different times (for example, my daughter's needs for one-on-one time often take priority over the babies since we don't want her to resent the baby; but when the baby needs to be fed or has another pressing need that only I can do, that takes priority over her needs).

Hope that makes sense. It's something I'm working on, myself. Last night, hubby and I spent some time talking and watching tv and making out. AND I got decent sleep with the baby. So I'm in a really good mood today, and not just because of the sleep. :-)

[oakley sunglasses]

Tomorrow is December already! Can you believe it? In Japanese, December is called “SHIWASU,” which means "monks running around." This word aptly describes the busiest month of the year in Japan. Why is December so busy?

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