Reader call: Isolation

I know very few patents who don't feel isolated at least part of the time. Staying at home with little kids can be gruelingly lonely, and working out of the house can be just as lonely unless you really connect with coworkers. And even if you do have connections at work, you can still feel isolated in parenting when you're at home.

I advocate pushing yourself to get out and find friends in your local community, but sometimes that just doesn't work out for a variety of reasons.

So I guess my question for everyone reading this is: How do you manage the isolation? I know that I would not be able to make it without my friends in the computer, but there are other strategies we must be using to get through the years of raising little children. Let's share.

Comments

[MemeGRL]

Shop around for parenting groups in the area. I loved my Mothers & More chapter, but I also made some good friends at MOMS club, my cousin loves her MOPS group, my neighbor still hangs out with her La Leche League friends years after their kids are weaned, some churches around here have great new mom programs...I know I was tempted to stop trying because in the strange new land of parenting, I was having trouble making connections. Stick with it. Try, try again. Memberships can change over time, or you might sit next to a new-to-you mom next time who matches your personality/parenting style better. Even if the other members don't become your best friends, they can be a great source of information of what's going on in the local area, from ideas for fun things to do to when to register for kindergarten.
I can't say (yet) whether any of these moms will be lifelong friends, but they have been lifelines and I will always be grateful for that.

[caramama]

To help with the feeling of isolation, I'm trying to start an email group for people in the DC area. If anyone is in the area and interested in a support network via email, in addition to the meet ups (next meet up in Sept will be for adults!), please email me (caramamamia at gmail dot com) with the email address you'd want to use.

I work out of the home, and I've been fortunate to have a few women I connected with in the work place. But I'm very outgoing and friendly, so I tend to put myself out there and chat openly with people. So that's been helpful at work.

I've been able to keep in pretty good touch with my friends and my sister thanks to my cell phone, my hands-free ear piece and my commute to and from work. I've found that the longish, boring commute would either piss me off or put me to sleep, so I started calling my friends and sister and had a nice chat once or twice a day. Oh, that was also thanks to a really good plan for my phone with gave me lots of minutes.

I've been home on maternity leave for almost 8 weeks now, and it's been tough. The best thing is having my SIL come over for the day or my friend (Mommy Em, who is currently) staying with me for the week. It makes me feel like a person again to have the company, as well as the help.

[kathy]

I agree with memegrl, try and try again to find a group that you can connect with on some level. My connection was through MOPS. I was invited by a neighbor, who wasn't attending anymore, at a church I did not belong to with ladies who were MUCH younger than me but low and behold almost 4 year later I have made several friends and gained a lot of sanity. Let yourself off the hook about being dressed nicely or being about to fit in your pre-pregnancy jeans with your hair and makeup done before you try to get out and meet folks. These ladies are in it with you and really could care less.

I have to admit the best thing about MOPS was the food. Being served breakfast without someone elses hand grabbing it off my plate was the first hook! Try it, you'll be surprised how much you look forward to your next get together.

[SarcastiCarrie]

I am so bad at this. It would take someone showing up on my front porch with a casserole for me to strike up a conversation. Actually, someone did show up on my front porch with a casserole. We're pretty friendly now, but she stays home and I don't, so we rarely see each other.

Anyway, I don't have any new mom-friends, but I have mom-acquaintances that I recognize and say hi to. I met them at the park, the pool, the library, the goodwill. The local Moms Club didn't want me because they only wanted SAHMs and I was "just" on maternity leave. (I also have friends from my old life who are now moms too, but they are not local. However, they will often answer their cell phones during the day and can feed a baby a jar of food with one hand just like I can and can nurse while using bluetooth.)

I also always attend the birthday parties of my pre-schooler's classmates with him so I can chat with other mothers (and fathers) about what they see at the school, teachers, kids, approrpiate behavior, working and parenting, just stuff we have in common (and food allergies...it always comes back to food allergies).

I manage the isolation by being here at Ask Moxie. Also, I use my cell phone and email to my IRL friends. And my husband is cool with being called whenever.

I tried SAHM, and I was *so* not cut out for it. I cried a lot. I was so lonely and failing so badly at parenting (I thought...as if it's a graded, for credit course). I went back to work after 6 months. I really think I would be super at part-time WOHM, but meaningful part-time work in my field is like a unicorn around here...you will go your whole life and never see it. I guess that means I have to make my own niche, but I just don't have the energy right now (and by the time I do, the kids will be older and it won't feel as urgent).

[Rachel]

There are no organized mom's group chapters out here, so I started a group using the roster from my birthing class. I just sent out an email asking if anyone would be interested in meeting regularly for coffee/walks and baby playtime and 14 people showed up to the first meeting! A year later, we now have a great group of mom's that meets every Friday. Some of us have gone back to work and we still stay connected using a Big Tent site that one of us created. I really don't know what I would have done without them this year...

[Dr. Confused]

I have no idea. I have lived here for about a year and I have no friends.

I have tasked my husband (a stay-at-home parent) with making us some parent friends but he is working more slowly than I would prefer.

If there are any Moxie readers in Northern Ireland, I would love to meet you.

[Carrie]

I floated around from mothers' group to mother's group until I finally found two good friends. It took two years, though. I am now in the MOMS club and really enjoy our local chapter.

I also go to the gym every day. I NEED that hour of childcare. I have also made friends with some of the ladies in my classes.

I used to be very shy, but I have opened myself up more and talk to other parents.

And then, of course, there is my online friends. I have a blog, but the real support comes from Livejournal. Same content, completely different interactions.

[Michelle]

With baby No. 1 (a summer baby), I was lucky enough to have a mommy friend who happened to also be out on leave and saved me from isolation by taking walks two or three times a week.

However, I felt REALLY isolated during my maternity leave with child no. 2 (late fall baby). The mommy groups (stroller strides, etc.) didn't help me that much and I *think* it was because my baby really wasn't sleeping and I felt kindof like a resentful zombie and just didn't want to even chat that much about my kid. Honestly, I was cranky and the last thing I wanted was to hear about some stranger's baby's habits.

So, for me, what really worked that time was reconnecting with some of my old friends who I felt cared about me and could talk about stuff other than kid issues. Also, it helped to get back into pre-kid activities that I liked- which was hard, but I was able to do a yoga class or spend a half hour in the library if I put my mind to it. Oddly once I started focusing on this part of myself, I stopped feeling quite so isolated.

[Blythe]

I lowered my standards.

I realized I was looking for the kinds of friends I already had - people I'd know for over a decade who I really connected with. I hadn't made new friends in such a long time that I'd forgotten about the early stages, before that real connection was made, when there was a lot of annoying (to me) getting-to-know-you stuff.

And I got to know a bunch of people who were really different than I am, through playgroups and moms' groups. I came away with a couple of lifelong friends plus some nice people whose kids my son likes to play with.

[E]

Seconding the lowering of standards, Blythe. I'm much happier with the little connections I make to other moms; I'm no longer looking for the we-agree-on-everything-bosom-buddy I wanted at the beginning of motherhood.

I'm not a SAHM/WAHM, but I have summers off (because I'm a teacher), and we've tried to stay connected this summer by taking lots of neighborhood walks. This is nice because we both get fresh air, I get exercise, and we see all kinds of things (construction equipment, etc.). Also, we say hi to everyone who comes across our path.

[Cloud]

One of the best things my husband did for me in the early postpartum weeks was practically force me to go to a meeting of the breastfeeding support group hosted by the hospital where I gave birth. He kept talking about it, and finding solutions to any reason I gave for why I couldn't go. He drove me to the first meeting. After that, I went faithfully for months. I didn't come out of that with any friends I stay in touch with (I wish I had!) but it really helped in those early months, particularly while I was still at home on maternity leave.

I am a strong extrovert, and if I needed help to go out and connect with people... well, I think that shows how hard this is.

I have some friends from pre-baby days who have since had babies, and we keep in touch, but don't hang out as much as I'd like. Everyone's busy, blah, blah, blah. We're all WOHMs, in similar fields, so we try to get together for lunch from time to time, which is great. We'd all like to do more, but no one has the time to organize it.

There are also a couple of families from day care that we've started having play dates with. I think that helps the isolation the most, because I see those Moms at least once a week when we're picking up our kids. We recently had a play date at the beach, and one of the other moms thought it would be fun to invite the entire day care class. So we did, and three more families showed up. That was great, and we all want to do that again, too. I think day care is a great way to meet other parents if you're a two working parent family because of the opportunities to bump into each other and the fact that its easy to leave notes for each other since all of the kids have cubbies/folders/some place to put their stuff. This makes it easier to connect before you have everyone's email addresses. I can't recommend the low key class outing enough- it took almost no work to organize, we met some new parents, and the kids had a blast, since they all knew each other already. All the parents had a great time watching our kids interact with their friends.

[Laura]

If you're even remotely spiritual, finding a church/temple/mosque/etc that's a good fit for your family can be wonderful. We are Catholic so that narrowed the search for us, but we have built a fantastic group of friends with same-age kids at our parish. A lot of moms I know from my kids' school that don't identify with any one religion are very happy at the local Unitarian church. It's an accepting community that creates opportunities for adult fellowship, kids' activities, community service, volunteering, etc.

[R]

I guess I'm a freak because I love being home alone with my toddler. Mom's groups and other moms generally annoy me. I have plenty to do and plenty to keep me and my mind busy. I will occasionally chat with decades-old friends who all have grown kids. I keep up with friends on FB. I never used to be an introvert, but I seem to have evolved into one over the years.

[Jac]

I second Laura's church comment - and if you are considering churches, scout them out first to see if they have a nursery or a children's play area because that will give you an indication of whether there are other mum's with young children there. I am also attending a Catholic Church (not usually known for child friendliness) and the church we attend has a playroom filled with toys that you can excuse yourself to during mass if your little darling is making a scene. There is no way my DS will sit through more than five minutes of a service - but I continue to go because I love meeting the other moms in the playroom.

[Kelly]

I eat a lot of brownies. Well, that's only part of it. I was extremely isolated after birth of my first child due to my entire city being evacuated for six or so weeks and then friends not returning for months and months. I met people at the farmers market who were good for a while but I'm an introvert by nature so when #2 came around, I enjoyed being at home.

[murphy]

My phone headset saved my sanity. Handsfree talking to anybody that would answer their phone made all the difference.

I also changed my standards, and didn't worry about age. Old grandmother types, younger kidless types, whatever. If the person seemed to care about me, then I was all over that.

[AmyinMotown]

This has gotten better--and to be honest I am not sure how. I was terribly lonely in those first days of motherhood with #1. Our hospital allows you to sign up for a parenting program, and I really didn't connect with anyone there. One woman was such a bitch I still relay the experience as my only real "mommy drive by"-- and she would talk in front of everyone else about how she and these certain other group members had done stuff together, making it pretty clear that only me and the other nerd of the group were uninvited to things. Much as I realized it was all about her own bitchery and not me, that still hurt and made me scared to join any other groups when my daughter was small.

I am pretty friendly but basically an introvert, and really do feel that I come off as unmemorable or unlikeable because I have had such a hard time connecting with other moms I don't know in other ways (like people who were friends before we had kids).

But several things have helped. We've kind of reconnected with some old friends whose kids get along great with ours. I have a pretty wide circle, so going just about anywhere means I run into someone I know (seriously, Detroit is a just a big small town, it's weird). My daughter is Miss Outgoing America, so I end up talking to people much more than I might otherwise. And we've made an effort to step up our socializing as a couple (whether with kids or without), which doesn't help with the looonnngg lonely afternoons but it does help us both feel less isolated and connected to our circles of friends. And just being in touch with the world at large through FB helps too--it reminds me of college where you sort of knew where all your friends are and what they're doing.

But yeah, it's tough. I wish some of the blogmamas from around here lived close! And if you are the sort to just strike up a conversation with a stranger, be aware that friendly-but-a-little shy types like me LOVE you.

[Alexicographer]

Oh, ugh. I work, I play a (somewhat antisocial) sport, I try to get exercise, I have a two-year old, a dad in a nursing home declining into dementia, and a (noticeably antisocial) husband. And I'm an introvert, which as a practical matter means I do best when I get about 4 waking hours each day when I'm neither working (work or home -- or commuting, for that matter) or interacting with other human beings. Guess how often that happens?

I like (many of) the people I work with fine, but I'm pretty deeply private and don't want to discuss my "real" issues with anyone I have to work with. Oh, and I'm phenomenally lucky to have local, supportive extended family whom I like and spend a (relatively) lot of time with, but it would be nice to have non-family friends!

Also, the online world has to some extent spoiled me into expecting it to be easy to "find" people who think like me (or keep their mouths shut about whatever it is where they don't) and who already understand whatever it is I'm going through (infertility, a parent with Alzheimer's).

So ... yeah, I've made a few lunch dates with one mom from where my son's in daycare, and reconnected with a couple of old friends, and will probably now go and email another couple with small kids I'd like to get to know better (I think). Church or volunteering would be great and I'm doing a tiny bit of each, but it's hard to fit these in around the other stuff I have on my plate (and not a high enough priority for me personally right now to take precedence over the rest. And the volunteering I picked is, dumbly, kind of a solo activity, too, at least in terms of connecting with adults).

For now, for me at least, interacting with other adults while my son is present doesn't count as restorative (though that doesn't preclude its being part of how I connect with people), so there's that to work in, too.

I think my basic standards for considering someone a friend are pretty low. We have to have some interest or perspective in common. They have to ask me how I'm doing (and I ask them, of course) and care about my answer, most of the times I see them. And I cannot be the only one of the two of us who initiates contact. Yet even those criteria I find oddly hard to achieve.

[Slim]

God bless daycare -- I met one of my best mom friends because we were both sitting in rockers in the infant room, nursing our babies during lunch.
So, um, if you have a baby, go sit in a daycare infant room and nurse, and strike up a conversation with the other moms doing the same.
Other than that, I've got nothing.

[mom2boys]

I'm friends with another mom who was a friend of a friend of a friend who had her daughter four months before I had my son and she lent me a ton of maternity clothes. I've always been so grateful that against my introverted nature I've tried to stay in contact and we've managed a couple of play dates with the kids as they've gotten old enough to "play". Having a colicky, non-sleeping, high needs baby made the first year impossible to do much more than survive. Making new mom friends never happened. My childless friends have been pretty understanding and my best friend, though childless, is a kick-ass pseudo-aunt and really awesome bf b/c she listens endlessly to my stories about the kids. I like a few of the moms at daycare but I can't see making an outside of daycare playdate just yet. I'm just not the type of mom to keep up with whose birthday it is and all of that stuff. I'll never be homeroom mom. This site has been invaluable for information and to take away that "I'm the only one going through this" feeling. Just that thought has helped many, many time.

[Sam]

I think you really do have to grit your teeth and be bold, introduce yourself and be super friendly. We moved to a new town a year ago this summer and the idea of making new friends was absolutely daunting. I had lived in our hometown for ten years and couldn't go to the grocery store without seeing someone I knew, was super connected through our church, etc. What I did was get out of the house and went to storytime at the nearest library religiously. That really helped, because there was the same group of people that I saw pretty much every week. One mom invited me to her playgroup, and I went, even though I always seemed to miss the playdates afterward. I also went to MOPS at this huge megachurch, and that helped a lot. It was a struggle b/c my son hated the nursery (he has always hated the nursery!) but it was crucial for me to get 3 hours without having to be Mama. In the winter I started attending a Bible study, really on the pretenses of trying to acclimate my son to the nursery more, and there I met a mom who is pretty much a best friend now. I disliked the Bible study (most of the time, just wildly differing viewpoints that made me feel really inadequate) but it was worth it to have something to do, something to THINK about, if that makes sense.

I also was pretty upfront if I wanted to get to know someone. Another mom I consider a dear friend I saw around at the same places (storytime, playgrounds)and I just approached her and gave her my contact information and got hers. Now I'm her birth partner!

[Andrea]

For anyone who lives in Ontario, the Early Years Centres are a godsend. They're free drop-in play centres. Our library is also pretty kid-friendly; I've met moms there. I've also connected to another mom at the daycare where my son and her son attend once a week. Church is awesome! Send the kids to the nursery and enjoy an hour of relative peace and quiet, heehee!

It feels weird striking up a conversation out of nothing, but sometimes at home I feel like my head will explode if I don't get adult conversation. I listen to talk radio sometimes just to have intelligent discourse!

[Pam]

I had to get organized and PLAN social outings with my first. We live in a rural area and only had one car when I had my daughter. I knew my mom was coming to visit on Thursdays, my husband would organize a drive to work on Tuesdays so I would have a vehicle and I would go to the mom and baby move, the mall, the grocery store and just wander around trying to nab other people with babies for chats. Mom with stroller at Starbucks? Buy a coffee and sit down at the next table. 20 weeks pregnant with my 2nd and we're looking to move to another neighbourhood in our town that is more family/stroller friendly (to me, that means a park within walking distance and at the very least a convenience store where I could buy coffee, milk, and talk to adults - pretty low standards!)

[MrsHaley]

I don't have the isolation problem, but I would be afraid of developing it if I had to move to a new place, so in that context, I was thinking about what my 'action plan' would be if I were in that situation. I'm an unrepantant tactician about problems like this (my DH calls it 'war-gaming') so here is what I would do if I was faced with not knowing anyone:

1. Vistaprint.com for personal calling cards -- name, cell phone # & email address to give to anyone you hit it off with -- cute and esier than finding a pen & paper
2. attend church / temple / mosque
3. MOPS Group
4. MOMS Group
(both are Christian-based groups, but IME, welcome people of any faith, or none at all)
5. La Leche League
6. Newcomer's Club of that particular city
7. meetup.com
8. Yahoo! groups or Google groups (can be sketchy)
9. public library for storytime and adult book discussion groups
10. public pool in summer or local gym year-round
11. parenting / birth / breastfeeding classes/support groups at local hospital or birthing center

I've gotten some pushback around here for being a hard-nose about this topic, but it's because I really, truly believe sitting at home and feeling pitiful won't result in a new pack of BFFs to ring the doorbell and materialize with a social life. It's super hard to build a social network from scratch, and well nigh impossible for someone who is naturally very introverted. But if isolation is breeding unhappiness, then some kind of action is necessary.

I also think there's significant value in recognizing if you're the type of person who doesn't necessarily need a whole pack of friends and a jammed social calendar, even though our culture says you're supposed to want that. It's ok to just not need much more than partner/child(ren)/family/ whatever combo there is. It's sure a whole lot simpler!

[meggiemoo]

I was totally isolated when my 1st son was born in the middle of winter. I would walk out my front door and expect to see tumbleweeds blowing down my street. It didn't help that he was a really high-needs baby and didn't sleep, or that my DH was as much of a mess as I was.

I finally mustered up the courage to attend a local mom's group meeting, only to have them disparage me because 1) I lived in a townhouse neighborhood instead of their neighborhood, and 2) I was "just" on maternity leave and would be going back to work. I cried the whole way back to my house.

What worked for me was:

- the internet
- calling family (often)
- journaling
- once I was back to work and my son was in daycare, becoming close to the babysitter and her family and the other families there

Neither I nor my DH is extroverted, so we have to really push ourselves to socialize. Now that our DS is in a center, we've made a point to stay after daycare so our son can play on the nearby playground with the children and we can talk to the other parents. We've also invited neighbors who have small children to dinner.

I think little things make you feel less isolated.

[amy]

My mother nagged me a lot at first about going to moms' groups and how important it was that I make new "mom friends"; she's mostly given up by now (4 months). So far I feel like I do plenty of socializing with, you know, my "friend friends", but I guess at some point I'm going to need to find other kids for my kid to play with, and I'll need "mom friends" for that? Have people found that they needed to start doing that networking well in advance of when their kid could appreciate it, or can I wait until she's actually benefit?

[Ann]

I absolutely support joining a Moms group. With my first son, I stayed connected to most of the moms who were in my Lamaze class. I also took a Lamaze class for brand new moms, which introduced me to a couple more new moms. Finally, when all of us drifted away from Lamaze, we stayed in touch and created our own group, doing play groups, Moms nights and holiday parties.

Just after I had my second child, we moved across country and I joined the local MOMS Club, which has been awesome. Not that every last mom is my bosom buddy at all, but I have met some casual friends and it's made exploring our new community so much easier. Now, when I go to story time or the kid's play place or a playground, it's pretty likely I'll see one mom who I know from the club and can strike up a conversation with. Combined with play groups and other organized MOMS Club activities, this has reduced the isolation a ton.

[Janel]

amy - i think you can wait until your kid is old enough to benefit. So long as you have the support you need with your old friends, i think you'll know when the time is right for your kid to start going on playdates. and i think that will happen pretty naturally. Usually when my son hits it off with another kid at the playground or wherever, it's pretty easy to talk to the parents about arranging a follow up.

[k8o]

I don't know how I keep from feeling isolated. I guess I don't do enough to keep from feeling isolated. This is the only place I can go where it's acceptable for people to say things like "Mom's groups and other moms generally annoy me." I have one really good mom friend to whom I can make those kinds of admissions to. I have other friends and acquaintances through a playgroup and on my street, but we don't call each other up or hang out much. I keep thinking we should, but maybe it's OK just to be acquaintances. I too suck at this kind of thing. I'm a SAHM with a 2.5-year-old and a baby due in September. I'm an extreme introvert and have been beating myself up about not being able to make closer mom connections or relate to most parents. That's just ridiculous. It's hard enough for me in the real adult world, but in the supermommy universe it's even more daunting.

Right around the time I came to the realization that I liked being a SAHM for the first couple of years but that toddler-time is soul-suckingly miserable (to me) and that I need more than naptime to myself, I found out I was pregnant. So here we go again. Still, it's good to hear other women saying that what helps them feel less isolated is not necessarily to make more mom friends, but instead to make the best of those child-free moments, either by socializing with old friends or being alone. Bedtime tantrums are really cutting into free time, though, and with a baby on the way, who knows when I'll be able to carve out the time again.

[Rudyinparis]

This may seem grim, but I'm starting to think some feelings of isolation are only to be expected. I mean, our society isn't really set up to support new moms. I think, also, that there are specific difficulties attached to being a WOHM here. I'm not saying it's not hard for SAHMs. But I did notice at least 2 comments upthread about being unable to join a MOMs group as a WOHM (you're "just" on maternity leave). Truthfully, I ran into this as well, scanning the bulletin boards at my community center for a mommy group--oh, I'm always at work at those times, I see.

It takes time. I actually was kind of scared of other moms that I'd see at the playground. I felt like they had their acts together and I was a mess, or that they would judge me. Now, I don't care! I'll talk to anyone. But it took a good long time for me to build up that kind of nature.

I have found that reaching out to people from the past, friends I'd lost touch with, has been wonderful. Facebook has been a huge gift for me.

I look back on those early days and just shake my head and marvel at how hard (and wonderful) it was. I'm not entirely sure there is any way to avoid that, perhaps it is the nature of the beast.

[wendy]

Maybe we could have a google map on this site and people could note their locations. It'd be an easy way to see if anyone else is in our area. Anyone in Eugene, OR?

[SarcastiCarrie]

Regarding the "just" maternity leave thing. I had mentioned this to a mom-acquaintance last weekend who is a SAHM and she laughed because she thought it was ludicrous to exclude working moms. But I just went to the website of the Moms' Club International, and one of the first bullet points is: "We meet during the day, when at-home mothers most need support!"
So, if you're an at-home mom and it strikes you right, go for it. But if you're on maternity leave and looking for your tribe, you might want to try the library (or the day care after you go back to work).

[Luna]

I just wanted to say thank you for this post and the comments. I moved to a new place before having my first kid, and while I was lonely, I thought, "oh, after the baby comes I'll be meeting lots of other moms". Like all those other moms would just magically start calling me to welcome me into the mythical "mom club". Guess what, it's been a few years and I still cry every other week because I feel desperately lonely. I have done regular classes, baby support groups, storytimes, online groups that meet IRL, hanging out in parks, everything short of joining a church (which may be next on my list even if I am feeling way far away from spiritual these days). I just have not been able to connect. I am deeply introverted and shy, and I know it comes across as stand-offish. I sabotage myself by overanalyzing small talk and feeling awkward. Plus, I am just so freaking exhausted all the time with the kiddo, I wonder how people find the energy to start a new friendship. Sometimes I really work at it and think, "oh, I've made a friend", only to have that relationship fade away a few months later, which makes me feel even worse about my social inability (even if it's just because of bad timing, or whatever).

All I want is a couple mom friends, and often wonder why it feels so tremendously hard. Now I have been hoping, "oh, after kiddo starts school, I'll be meeting lots of other moms", to keep myself going... It really does help to hear about other people's experiences and get some more ideas on what to try.

[Lawprofmom]

Last year I quit my job, became a stay-at-home mom, had a second baby (my oldest was 3) and moved to Provo, Utah. We're not Mormon. 'Nuff said?

I basically pimped myself out to every mom I came across. Mom at the park? Offer a playdate. Mom on the bike path? Offer a playdate. Mom leaving a flier on my door? Offer a playdate. Mom stopping by my house to pick up something I freecycled? Offer a playdate. Mom in the neighborhood with a child who is not yet in college? Offer a playdate! More moms in Provo have my number right now than I'd like to think about.

Although I was a bit embarrassed by the process, as it didn't come naturally. Some moms never called me back, some weren't a match, some had good intentions but conflicting schedules, etc. We eventually found a few families whom we see regularly.

I would second votes for church (we are now friends with the one -- yes, one -- other family from our church who has kids), gym classes, library class, MOPS and MOMS (haven't done it but have heard good things). I also made cards through Vistaprint with the kids name, my name, and contact information.

Anyone out there in the Provo, Utah area? We're available for a playdate!

[Jenny]

The last place we lived (for about six years, we moved a year ago) none of our friends had kids. It was so easy to make friends there -- small town, small faculty, small college, and a lot of us the same age and inclinations. Our family being the only one with kids was not a problem at all. This makes me wonder about the idea of meeting other moms through mom groups all the time. I mean, I've read other parenting websites and Moxie is the only one where I feel remotely like I have something in common with the other people here. Simply having kids in common doesn't make you friends. Or am I nuts? I kind of feel like I might make friends easier at a book discussion group or a knitting class or a cooking class, if I had time for any of those since I have kids. Wait...maybe I have more in common with other moms than I thought. :)

Anyway, MrsHaley, I know you're right that no one is going to show up on my doorstep holding a radio above their head and playing Peter Gabriel and insisting they must be my best friend. But damn, I wish they would.

[Shannon]

Just a note as a non-parent that if you have assumed that your friends who aren't parents won't want to hang out with you anymore, now that you've got a barnacle, it's not necessarily true. I really love kids and while I wouldn't want to ONLY see my friends with kids when their kids are around, I love to spend time with the whole group. Playing with your kids is a nice step away from my hip, single adult life. : ) Don't worry about talking too much about the kids -- just looked for that slightly glazed over expression in your friend's eyes and ask about him or her.

[Ariel]

I always feel isolated. I am a WOHM and had no mat leave, so never got to do a moms group, even short term. I haven't been able to find anything on weekends, and in any event, weekends are sucked up with housecleaning, laundry, etc (husband works weekends). The people I know at work are all childless and I can't exactly head out after work for drinks with them anymore. And even though I know a bunch of mothers, they are all SAHMs and have been pretty frosty to me and have rebuffed any effort on my part to connect. My kid's daycare isn't in my neighborhood so the parents I've met there are not interested, either.

I have to say, it sucks mightily. My husband and I would love to have even one other couple to hang with and perhaps exchange babysitting, but that hasn't happened yet.

[Cloud]

Interesting discussion.

@Jenny- I think that in any group that only includes part of who you are, making good friends is going to be hit or miss. I think this is true whether it is a group of moms or a group focused around one of your other interests.

I've kept a few of my "pre-baby" social groups, and I definitely like to see them. But, due to the dynamics of various groups and/or the issues in the lives of other group members, I can't always speak freely about motherhood. In one group, its frowned on because someone in the group is struggling with infertility- I totally understand this and don't really mind watching what I say, but it means that with that group of friends, I have to keep my mouth shut about a huge part of my life. They certainly can't be my "go to" group at times when motherhood is getting me down. In another group of friends, we have a single member who isn't too happy that she's still single. So in that group, I feel like I need to be careful about not just motherhood, but also marriage. We have lots of other things in common and those are the things we mostly talk about.

Anyway, I need a group where I can talk about being a mom, being a working mom, and all that jazz. I'm overall very happy with those parts of my life, but that doesn't mean I don't want to talk about the issues that come up or just vent sometimes. So despite having some good local friends and regular meet-ups with them, I still sometimes feel a bit lonely, because I don't have any local friends that I can talk to without watching what I say. My friend like that- who, incidentally is single and childless- lives on the other side of the country. I'm actually looking forward to going back to the breastfeeding support group once my second baby is born. This time, I'm going to try harder to make a friend. I'm also trying to reach out more to the other mommy friends I do have. I'm hoping one of them will turn into that friend I can talk to without watching what I say!

[Joy]

I haven't read any of the comments yet; just had to jump down and start writing because do you know that just the other day I was telling my husband how I feel isolated sometimes? Wow with the timeliness, as usual, Moxie. My thing is, because I run a home daycare, I have people (mainly other moms, most of whom I grow to be friends with) in and out of my house all day, every (week) day. I know plenty of other moms of kids in my kids' school, and others through sports and other activities.
But.
I'm kind of a homebody. I'm very much into the art of homemaking. I love to cook and bake, I'm always sewing or making something by hand (halloween costumes, jewelery, furniture, painting, etc.), planning birthday or holiday parties, and fixing things around the house (plumbing, lighting, whatever). I love to read books and do crosswords. I also love to camp, garden, fish, and sit and drink with friends and family around a campfire.
So, basically, I feel like kind of a cross between Kate Hepburn, Martha Stewart, and Tim Taylor... in short I have a hard time finding other women I have anything in common with, other than having children. I have lots of acquaintences, people to get together and play cards with as a couple, and so forth. But I feel isolated.
That's my piece... now back to read the other comments. Any advice?

[hush]

@Cloud - You are so right about how wonderful is would be to find that elusive "friend you can talk to without watching what you say." Alas, Rome wasn't built in a day. ;)

@MrsHaley - Thank you for sharing your "war-gaming" plan & ITA with everything you wrote, especially "there's significant value in recognizing if you're the type of person who doesn't necessarily need a whole pack of friends and a jammed social calendar." So important to know yourself and get in touch with your real goals around friendships.

@Jenny - Your Peter Gabriel comment made me giggle. ;) So true!

@Blythe & @E - I third (4th?) the "Lowering of Standards" - great comments, both.

We moved to a totally new area a year ago. There is really no one here who is anything like my 2 BFF's who live in major US cities like we used to... so I had to quickly get over the fantasy that I was going to suddenly meet another Ms. Right here in Podunkville, and she was going to laugh at all of my jokes, share the leftist values I do, and on top of that her partner was going to automatically be DH's new BFF, too! Total pipe dream. But all was not lost once I decided I needed to get real. I therefore decided to lower my standards & do some self-examination to get in touch with what I really wanted out of a social life.

I had to be brutally honest with myself: if there was someone I thought I clicked with, but a real friendship never really materialized, then I needed to look at my behavior & choices in order to figure out why & to see how I could improve. For example, one recurring theme I found early on was that I needed to beware of the extroverted female friend who is at first very appealing to me because she makes the first move, but when I dug deeper I found she is that proverbial "the friend to everyone is the friend to no one." She has like 250+ FB friends but no one is really close to her, or knows her on a deep level. The only time she'll invite you over is when she is having a huge party to sell jewelry, etc. Not that there is anything wrong with this - just not the kind of genuine connection I'm looking for. She'll never be the friend that you can take to the next level, where you go out to dinner with just you & your husbands for example. So lower the expectations and stop expecting instant perfection from every interaction - i.e. she's not a BFF, but she definitely is a great resource for getting to know other people who perhaps are looking for a real commitment.

I also decided set some goals (cheesy, I know) - measurable ones. Meet 3 new people a week (don't have to be moms). Have one playdate every 2 weeks (I usually made the invitation, then others finally reciprocated). Go to 3 activities a week (YMCA parent/child swim classes, baby/toddler playtime at the gym, storytime at the library). Longer term goals: join a book club, join a dinner club (w/couples where we rotate hosting a dinner party in our homes, and everyone contributes to the meal), join a charitable cause where I can meet like-minded people. For me the bottom line is figure out the kind of people I really wanted to surround my family with, and be brutally honest about setting goals to get there. The vibe I put out there matters, too - positive energy, keep it light, don't take rejection personally (easier said than done sometimes...)

[kelli]

I don't really feel that isolated -- I've been busy with 3 kids under 6. When my first was born, I was the first in my group of friends to have children, so things just went on socially around us (we missed a few things, alternated going out to parties, brought the kid). Every day I would walk down the street to my friend's house and we would walk our dogs together since we both worked from home (and I had the kid in a sling).

We moved when #1 was 18 months old, and I enrolled him in a 1 day/week parent-participation preschool. I met lots of parents there and through the "gymkids" class (though none of the friendships stuck) -- it was a place where we could talk about parenting issues. I was allowed to bring baby #2 for 6-months after he was born. The next year I enrolled #1 in class (this time a 2 day/week class where I only had to attend 1 day/week) and #2 in a baby gym class. I'm still on an email list from that baby gym class.

It turned out that I met a bunch of parents once my kids started going to school. Now we're in a co-op preschool and I know everyone at school, we hang out for Mom's nights, go to parenting meetings, work together, trade playdates, etc.

I never was that person who went up to people in the park (okay, we never went to the park) or the library (ditto), but having people at the preschool/baby gym class with nametags on (I'm bad with names) really helped.

I still keep up with my core group of friends -- the only difference is that now they have kids, too. And they're still having them (3 babies due at the end of the year) and I'm done, so I'm like the old lady of the group with my 1, 3, and 5-year-old.

[lwh]

The isolation is just killing me. We moved to a new city (Tulsa, anyone?) when M was about 6 months (she's now 2.5), and it's been so hard to make new friends. We do something (gym class, music class, storytime, preschool, etc.) almost every day of the week. The one person I met that I clicked with pretty instantly moved away in the last few months. So, back to square one.

I'm not one who needs lots of friends, but I'm dying to have just one close friend here. There are lots of moms that I know (in that I see them week after week at classes and we chat), but none of those relationships have evolved. I guess I just need to extend more invitations and see what happens.

So, not dealing well with the isolation, but at least getting out of the house daily helps somewhat.

[mrsgryphon]

After a year of being at home, not knowing anyone else with a baby in our town, I started my own Moms group at meetup.com... we have 50 members and something on the calendar every weekday and a couple of evenings, too! It was a lot easier than I expected and I found that pretty much everyone I mentioned it to thought it was a great idea (there was nothing like it in our town at all!) I now have a few good friends in town, and plenty of people that I am friendly with and see regularly... no "best friends", but I'm not really a "one best friend" kind of person, so that's not surprising. Now that we have our 2nd daughter, I'm finding the "newborn" experience very different and much more social. Starting the group has been one of the best things I've ever done, and it's pretty gratifying to know that other Moms have made fantastic connections through our group, too.

[Alexicographer]

Oh, one other thought ... perhaps 6 months ago I declared to DH that he should not expect me home on Thursday nights (he also gets a night out; his is part of an organized, regular group activity, mine's not). My intent was to start socializing again and I have used it for some of that, but honestly, just having a night when I don't have to dash away from work, get back home, cook dinner, cope ... it's great. Sometimes I just use it to run errands or catch up on exercise. Actually one of my nicest evenings was a solo dinner in a quiet restaurant with rain falling on a nearby canopy. So while I haven't exactly won the "back socializing" award, I have found it very helpful to carve out a little "me" time that isn't (really) time limited ... I get home when I feel like it on Thursday nights ... and that allows me to do just-for-me/adult stuff (even if often solo; see above re: introversion).

[Erin]

@Joy--I like all those things! I need to meet some other women who are fearless about home repair but, unlike me, have some actual skills.

@SarcastiCarrie, first comment: I WOH part-time unwillingly, after a layoff. I HATE IT. I know none of the SAHMs in the neighborhood, and since I have a shy 2.5 y.o. instead of a malleable baby, it's very hard for me to take the lead in trying to approach any of them at the playground on the days I'm at home (child bursts into tears when I talk to an adult she doesn't know and absolutely will not play near other kids, period). And since I'm just a PT consultant at work, I can't let myself get too invested in the interesting project, as it's not "mine" in any meaningful way. Of course, my negative feelings could stem from the fact this was imposed on me by the crappy economy and not my choice. And while I have a good time with my funny, creative child, I now lack both "mom" friends and work friends. FB has saved my sanity.

I'm now 24 weeks pregnant with #2 and am trying very hard to find a birth cohort, as so many people seem to find friends through breastfeeding support groups or birth classes. But I feel very betwixt and between, being home part of the time but feeling like my true identity is not only as a WOHM, but in the very specific career path I had. I don't belong anywhere.

[pnuts mama]

briefly so i can go read comments- something non "mom-friend" related to beat isolation has been volunteering- we volunteer for about two hours every week (it is actually now my paid job, but was volunteer for 7 years prior)- i can tell you that it has been a tremendous way to put me out there with some peers, many not (both co-volunteers and the people we've worked with) and it has also been good to get my mind of "mom stuff" for that two hours every week!

back to read!!

[kyma]

Oh my goodness, this has been a huge battle for me from day one and in the last few days it has come to the point where I am in tears for most of the day. Moxie is psychic, as usual. I will be going back and reading these comments carefully!

[Mel]

I'm in Eugene! Though I've only lived here for three years, it's been a great place to meet mom friends.

[Cloud]

@Erin- I can understand the feeling of not really being in either world. My own feeling on this is that I don't care what my friend does for work- stay at home, work at home, work out of the home part time, work out of the home full time.... I want a friend who I can talk to about my life without feeling any judgment. I think it is easier to find that in someone who has organized her life in a way similar to my own, but I think as long as the other woman is comfortable with her choices, it shouldn't matter if they are different than mine.

Have you read Kurcinka's "How to Raise Your Spirited Child" book? I thought she had some good ideas about how to help an introverted child, whether or not that child was really "spirited". Of course, my own child is not introverted, so this was just the impression of an interested bystander!

[Lioness]

[Not a parent, so these two things are non sequiturs: a) I just saw some pictures of BlogHer - you're so pretty! And young-looking! And somehow quite different from what I imagined after years of only seeing your eyes. Glad to have the whole face now, it always bothers me to not know what people look like. And b) I so empathise about insomnia. The pits, the absolute pits. How do you look so fresh and alert, woman? I haven't slept properly in weeks now and I look like a human furball.]