I think I'm taking two unplanned Ask Moxie vacation days (yesterday and today). I've been having horrendous insomnia since March, and haven't slept much in those four months. I caught a cold at BlogHer (and Brooke, I don't think it was your baby). The cold is winning out over the insomnia, and the past two nights I've fallen asleep, fully clothed on my bed, within 10 minutes of getting my kids to sleep.
I'm taking the sleep, since it's so novel. Which means I haven't gotten it together to even check my Ask Moxie email, let alone answer any questions.
So while I sleep, you talk amongst yourselves: What is one aspect of your life that could be changed that would have the greatest positive impact on your emotional health?
I'll be back to Q&A on Monday.
OMG, Cobblestone...now what do you do? Obviously, you need to have a frank discussion with the teacher's supervisor and probably ask that the teacher be let go, but wow. How do you possibly send your child back there? Or do you not and have to scurry around finding new care? Ack! That's terrible.
Posted by: SarcastiCarrie | July 31, 2009 at 01:26 PM
@rudyinparis- we have had to have some frank discussions on "time on" and "time off" when it comes to working- right now he's been laid off one day a week again- so for that day, what gives? do we not get the babysitter that day and save that cash? do we coordinate our day so that we are both productive (i.e. are we treating it as a "day off" or are we maximizing things on our to-do list that need to be done but usually are done during non-work times, *or* (and this is the big one for me) are we saying what can i do to make some $ during those 8 hours to make up some of the difference? (we are trying to find stuff to sell on craigslist or ebay, and he has offered to do side jobs for people- light carpentry to hanging mirrors etc (!!!) just to make the difference.
personally, i think he's better off with option 3 with a little bit of #2 thrown in, and we all are- if he treats his "time off" as "time on" just in a different milieu, then he doesn't feel like he's not still supporting us as much, and it keeps him busy in the ways that make him happy, and the rest of us stay on our usual schedules (whatever that is) instead of me taking advantage of him as a "babysitter" while i get other stuff done would be better for all of us.
i guess what it comes down to for us is not treating "laid off" time as "paid time off" time. which, in action, in super hard to do. this economy sucks.
Posted by: pnuts mama | July 31, 2009 at 01:34 PM
sorry about my ridiculous and un-edited use of parens there. jeez.
Posted by: pnuts mama | July 31, 2009 at 01:35 PM
My heat goes out to those of you dealing with unemployment and spousal issues. those are hard.
and for the profs out there--I've currently buttonholed myself into a non-tenure track teaching position partially b/c I'm unwilling (at the moment) to give more of myself than I am to work. Maybe when the little one isn't so little anymore (he's 1).
what do I need? 1) More exercise and 2) more time with my older child (4.5y). She's currently really fed up with being the big sister but her dad would rather be with her than the baby so I automatically get lots of baby time and not as much preschooler time. And she's starting to really act up about it.
School is gearing up for the term so I'll get out of all my too much time at home funk and wish for more of it soon enough!
Posted by: ramy | July 31, 2009 at 01:51 PM
Right, pnuts mama, I think we need to weigh the benefits of his staying home with the kids and saving that money against the benefits of your option 3... and I think option 3 has the most *emotional* value for my husband. And this talk here is really helping me understand that the emotional value is of as much real tangible value as the amount of saved money.
Lucy, Your money or your life is a classic, right? I know I've seen it. I'll definitely get it from the library--thanks for the recommendation!
This has been really helpful for me! Thanks!
It's funny to me to imagine Moxie snoozing on a couch somewhere during this conversation.
Posted by: Rudyinparis | July 31, 2009 at 01:58 PM
@Susan, ramy & other profs... I love my job. Love it, love teaching, love research, mentoring, all of it. But my best mentors have told me that there are seasons in your career when you can publish a lot and seasons when you can't; seasons when you can spend evenings at work and seasons when you can't. Once, I talked to my dean and said how hard it was to balance coursework, research, a toddler and a newborn. She nodded and said, "Have you considered giving fewer assignments?" Um, no. No, I hadn't. Now I do. Tenure is not my greatest goal at work: teaching well is. I feel more balanced this way.
I am trying to make friends. I'm trying to do one thing each week that puts me in a good position to meet people and talk to them. Scary as that is. :)
Posted by: Jenny | July 31, 2009 at 02:05 PM
I would love to magically learn how to communicate with my husband, whose communication skills suck. I finally got him to stop being so passive-aggressive (well at least the silent part of being passive-aggressive) and directly tell me what he wants or needs when he wants or needs it. That's helped a lot.
But now he's super stressed out (work, kid, house, the usual life-stressors) and that has translated into him not responding positively when I ask him about something (or god forbid, to DO something) or communicate with him in general really. For instance, this morning our toddler got my contact case off of the counter while husband was taking a shower (we take him in there with us so the other parent can catch an extra 15-20 min. of sleep). Our son removed my contact lenses and the solution, and put them on the counter. I said, when I found them, "Next time, could you do a check and push things back to where he can't get them, and if he DOES happen to get a hold of these, can you check to make sure my contacts are still in there?" Husbands response-- "don't put them there, not my problem." Oh god, I was mad. My instant response to that sort of thing is fine, next time baby gets your sunglasses, not my problem. Next time I do laundry, you dirty boxers are not my problem. Next time you're hungry and I'm making dinner, not my problem, get your own damn food.
Thanks, I feel better.
Posted by: arg | July 31, 2009 at 02:08 PM
I am pretty good/happy/grateful right now. I could use more exercise and I know it would help my energy levels, but there is nothing stopping me from exercising more except for sheer laziness.
@mamanesq - congrats on pregnancy. I hope you are feeling well.
Posted by: Jac | July 31, 2009 at 02:23 PM
I need to have more confidence in myself and my abilities to mother, to educate, to make friends, and just to be. I get caught up in inadequacy too much. I am more than adequate.
Posted by: Nicole | July 31, 2009 at 02:36 PM
Sleep to start with - after almost three years of being awakened several times a night with my son who ended up having his tonsils and adenoids out, he is a fabulous sleeper! But now my gereatric dog wakes up every morning at 5 am (even though I put him out at midnight)and I know I am suffering from insomina due to the resulting stress of a husband-who-had-an-affair-for-four-years (while I miscarried, got pregnant and had a baby)and the ongoing stress of separating/divorcing and co-parenting with an angry, uncooperative, controlling man.
Sorry, I think I just vented.
To summarize - consistent sleep, a finalized divorce and two inches off my belly (I am the same weight I was before I had my son 3 years ago, but there is that squishy belly/excess skin thing still going on)
Posted by: maxzmama | July 31, 2009 at 02:49 PM
thanks for asking Moxie! as it turned out the first thing that jumped into my mind was WORK! which either means that I need to get the hell out of this job or fix the job.
Now I just need to put my finger on what the problem with the job is.
Posted by: Lisa H. | July 31, 2009 at 03:26 PM
@pnuts mama and rudyinparis....this is exactly what I'm talking about! I had a conversation with my husband yesterday about how absolutely awful he feels as a man, a husband, and a father because he has had only TWO transactions close so far this year (he sells real estate). I am a teacher and I've made twice as much as he's made so far this year. We've had to move out of our home and rent it out, and we are still barely scraping by financially. He's borrowed money from everyone who will loan him money and we are at the end of our financial rope. He works hard. He puts in hours with the clients he has but at the end of the day, if they don't buy/sell, then he doesn't make any money.
I've known it's been hard for him emotionally, but yesterday he was really able to communicate to me just how awful it's been. And it's been pretty bad like this for the past 3 years....and it's taken it's toll on our marriage. A few months ago we were on the verge of divorce, and really, that option is still not off the table. My hope is that this economy turns around soon, he gets some deals on the table and closed, we get some money in the bank and then we can take a closer look at our marriage to see if it's been the financial stress over the course of years that's been pulling us apart, or if we're just not right for each other. It's just very complicated. I know exactly the stress you all are feeling. Good luck to us all.
Posted by: Julie | July 31, 2009 at 03:56 PM
Sleep would be excellent. *glares at Miss Waking-Up-Screaming-for-an-hour-at-1-AM*
My client having her baby would be good (not under my control!) so I can relax when I do get to bed.
This would be awesome: an indicator, like an LED under the skin where you'd wear a watch or something, to tell you whether you're pregnant. No TWW, no stupid peeing on sticks, just an instant-read indicator. Maybe a pop-up thingie like they put in turkeys?
Posted by: Katie B. | July 31, 2009 at 03:59 PM
Okay, I can finally comment again, thanks to my hubby who's home early and took the baby. He's almost 7 weeks old, and we are in the thick of that fussy, crying-for-no-perceivable-reason stage. For those who don't remember, this is that time when you try a million things to get the baby to be happy nd quiet, but nothing works for long. I'm going a little crazy, but I know we'll be on the other side soon.
@pnuts mama - Thanks! And good luck figuring out how to arrange your's and your hubby's schedules.
@flea - I didn't think of Youtube! Thanks, I'll check it out.
@eep - Congrats! I hope you have better sleep than I did during my pregnancies.
@hedra - That's so important to have a boss who will be a gatekeeper and so supportive of you and your time. I miss dancing, too, but for me it was the dance classes hubby and I took together. It was a really great date night once week... before kids.
@Rudyinparis - Sounds like he is thinking about it. Hopefully he'll be more open to talking about it than you think. Good luck!
@Cobblestone - The teacher sent a letter to his employer? Are you kidding me? I'd be so livid!
@arg - I read a lot of communication books (major interest area and study area of mine). Have you read any of Deborah Tannen's books, especially You Just Don't Understand? You can't make him communicate differently (unless he wants to), but you can try to understand why he communicates the way he does and figure out how you want to communicate back. It's not an easy situation, and I wish you luck. And for the record, I would also really want to say the same things you wanted to respond with!
@DC area people - Just a reminder that we're doing a meet up tomorrow morning! I hope the weather holds, because I didn't come up with a back-up plan.
Posted by: caramama | July 31, 2009 at 04:07 PM
Haven't read the comments yet, definitely will later, but for me, no question:
My daughter's father getting completely out of our lives for good.
Then, guaranteed income and healthy relationship.
Posted by: maria | July 31, 2009 at 04:27 PM
The biggest thing I would change in my life would be not having to work my part-time job. I hate it, I feel like I'm simply reverted to my childhood (I'm working for my dad, as I did from age 12 until 24 when i got my degree) and I don't even get a break from parenting since I bring my baby with me. I realize that it could be MUCH worse, but it's really very annoying to me.
Posted by: Christiana | July 31, 2009 at 04:48 PM
I'm pretty lucky in general at the moment--work is good, 5-year-old Mouse is doing well, happy marriage, comfy home. But I need yoga. A couple months ago business wasn't good at work and so we all took 3 weeks at halftime and half pay. I actually got to do proper, 1 1/2 hour yoga sessions 3x/week for the first time in eons. I felt so much better, and so much less prone to ambient worries and silly fears. You know, the "wow, my eyes feel a little strained after staring at a screen for 8 hours, maybe I have cancer" type.
And then if my best friend could magically move back to my street in San Francisco, that would be bliss.
Posted by: Charisse | July 31, 2009 at 05:01 PM
A full-time job with medical insurance for my one-year-old. My husband wants to be a stay-at-home dad and that is a gift I wish I could give him.
Posted by: Carolyn | July 31, 2009 at 05:05 PM
@ Carolyn - at first I misread your comment that you wanted the job for your toddler. Thanks for giving me a chance to laugh at myself!
Posted by: mamanesq | July 31, 2009 at 06:15 PM
If my husband didn't have to travel quite so much for work. He recently changed jobs (well, companies - he's doing the same thing somewhere else), so now he's only traveling 25-30% of the time, versus 90% at his old job. But, this week, he was supposed to fly out Monday evening and return yesterday. His flight on Monday was delayed and then cancelled, so he was at the airport/airport hotel until mid-day Tuesday when they finally flew out and then had to postpone returning until today, couldn't get on a 2pm flight, so his flight was scheduled to leave at 3:55pm. It showed as on time until 5:05pm (that's right, it showed on the board as on time up to 1 hour and 10 minutes AFTER it was to have departed). At 5:05pm, the board changed to departing at 4:45, then very quickly changed again to departing at 7:55pm. I'm sick at home with a 21 month old, and was really counting on him to be home to relieve me so I could sleep for a couple hours. I hate, hate, hate USAir. They are seriously the worst airline I've ever encountered and are unfortunately the only option for getting to his client's headquarters. This week has been the worst, but he hasn't had one USAir flight that has taken off on time.
Whew. Thanks for providing me a place to rant.
Posted by: Dawn | July 31, 2009 at 06:29 PM
The one thing that would help my emotional health at this moment would be to get my husband back to see his brother who has been diagnosis with cancer for the 3rd time. In order to get the finances to go across the country in this tough economy we're running a BOGO special on our website. So if you've ever thought about purchasing a parenting seminar from us and you're inspired to help please go to www.proactiveparenting dot net and buy one seminar and get another one for free. We thank you!
Posted by: Sharon aka Mommie Mentor | July 31, 2009 at 07:45 PM
Ditto on the close friends. I'm just not an outgoing person (I always think of the line from Pride and Prejudice where Lizzie chastises Mr. Darcy after he says he's not good at small talk). I've met what seem like lovely Mommies at the playground; for those of you who are outgoing, how does one introduce the idea of getting together for coffee? I'm desperate for that female friendship, but can't seem to do it. I worry that I live too much inside my own head, and I don't want my wonderful little boy to have to be the same way.
Posted by: Ari | July 31, 2009 at 07:57 PM
i found my best (and almost only) mama friend in a play group at the library when our girls were around 18mos old- we all chatted during the play time for a few weeks, then one of us suggested a few of us grab lunch at a fast food place down the street (walkable) afterwards. we also met at a playground a few times, same idea, letting the kids play while we chatted, sort of. it took us a while to set up more formal playdates at our house (thankfully, the two of us who are still friends are pretty laid back so we abandoned the thought of formal anything early on) and that grew into dinners at each others home with spouses (who get along! amazing!) and now, three years and three more babies later we are friends. thanks be to god. i haven't really stayed close with the other moms from that group, but, i'm glad i found my friend!
Posted by: pnuts mama | July 31, 2009 at 08:28 PM
@rudyinparis- there is something ingrained in a husband/father to provide for their family- and when that gets threatened or removed, it can be devastating- so much of the ego and esteem and self worth is tied up in the ability to be productive (it's a little different for women since so much of our psyche is tied up with the nurture part of providing) that when they can't be it really hurts them deeply and manifests in all sorts of ways (anger, sullenness, denial, drinking etc)
anyway, my point is even though my husband and i talk all the time about someday when i have my degree and can be a full time academic once these kids are grown enough and weaned and i have a steady schedule and he can stay at home with the kids and be the part time worker while i am the full timer, it hasn't ever been more than a dream, and honestly, i don't know how he would really be able to handle the reality of it- the day to day being at home, (i mean, there's a big reason why women went bonkers in the 60's to get out of the house and into the workplace) and not receiving financial compensation for his daily work, *especially* if it wasn't his express choice.
it's so hard to navigate the psychology of all these issues, sometimes. you're right- it's how it's tied into the emotions everyone in the family experiences as a result of it, too. no easy answers.
Posted by: pnuts mama | July 31, 2009 at 08:46 PM
OK, I thought of something that just nags at me.
My daycare (by law, I assume) requires that you label the infants' bottles with their name, what's in the bottle, how much, when it was put in the bottle/collected (date and time). Obviously the people who wrote the rules only know about formula, because really, you want to know the date and time I pumped that milk? Well, three ounces were Tuesday at 7am, one ounce from yesterday at 2pm, and another ounce from another day at another time. I always just use the date of the oldest milk in the bottle, and the times of day are totally made up. I feel so bad about the lying, but the arbitrariness of it just drives me nuts.
OK, there, I said it. I LIE. I LIE on the bottles that go in the mouth of my sweet, innocent baby. I am a LIAR. Whew.
Posted by: SarcastiCarrie | July 31, 2009 at 10:26 PM
No offense, Moxie, but you haven't taken any reader questions in far more than two days. I'm afraid your blog has lost its touch.
Posted by: greenday | August 01, 2009 at 01:22 AM
I would eliminate our commutes and live next to work.
Which begs the question: why aren't we doing that?
Posted by: Elizabeth | August 01, 2009 at 01:23 AM
I would know who is delivering my baby, due in about 8 weeks. My insurance really limits who I can see in my area. The only place that takes my insurance has had NO doctors or midwives until recently, when they got one midwife. I was okay with seeing a nurse practitioner, as this pregnancy has been pretty routine, but now that the birth is getting closer I want to start developing a relationship with someone. Especially since I plan on going natural with this birth. I do like the midwife they hired, but she doesn't know if she will have privileges at the hospital by the time I deliver. I am trying to get a doula, but I really can't afford one (but will if I have to). However it seems that there are almost none in my area. Just getting stressful. How ironic that this time around, I have definite ideas of what I want to happen, and I don't have the resources. When I had DD, I lived in an area that had doulas up the wahzoo, and I was neutral on the whole thing.
So that, and someone to organize the basement for me.
Posted by: nmn | August 01, 2009 at 08:24 AM
if i (or the doctors) could get a handle on my health issues and i could get a handle on my anxiety, i'd be all set.
Posted by: rosie | August 01, 2009 at 08:58 AM
@Ari. I met my mummy friends by going to the same parenting support group week after week. When I could, I stayed and chatted with people afterwards. Then I suggested getting coffee at a nearby store. I just suggested it. And people were happy to say yes. And then I announced it to everyone.
With my neighbours, who also have small children, I chatted with them. And shares watermelon, or something. Then, when I knew that they had grandparents staying and could have a babysitter, I invited both sets to dinner. And chatting without children really helped. We set up a weekly playdate, and that really helps too.
Posted by: lucy | August 01, 2009 at 12:18 PM
@Ari
It is really hard to make the first move, but someone has to make it. Usually it is NOT me. I'm pretty shy in the beginning .....and then I get started.
This year, which is my sons's second year at kinder ( he is 4.5, they start at 3 here in Italy), has been so much easier becuase there are a lot of new kids and mums at school, so you know, you are an old hand. I tend to say hi to everyone and of course there are those that after a year and a half act as though thye have never laid eyes on you, but I have learnt to ignore those ones. Still, it isn't easy to jump from acquaintence to life long friend. And sometimes it takes years ( like @pnuts mama mentioned). You just have to hang in there. That's what I'm doing.
However, my closest mummy friend is thankfully an Irish woman who lives in the same town as me and has a 5 year old. We met in the post office, she heard me talking in English to my kids and we struck up a conversation. We didn't see each other for a full year after that ( and our town is pretty small) until she moved a bit closer and we bumped into each other again in the street. And we were two foreigners who speak the same language, living in the same town.
Good luck
Posted by: paola | August 01, 2009 at 02:21 PM
@tooquiet: My DH and I agree, potty training has, hands down, been the worst part of parenting for us. It's not just you!
And now for some good news...I've recently lost 20 lbs by eliminating sugar, processed foods and gluten from my diet. Getting rid of the sugar has reduced my anxiety tenfold. Getting rid of the sugar and gluten has improved my skin tremendously (psoriasis). I highly recommend the Paleo diet to anyone, plus trying gluten free.
Working on myself has made me see that I'm often in my own way when I have challenges. Things have gotten a lot better since I've changed my outlook.
DH: You, and only you, can work on reducing your driving anxiety and panic attacks. You have the driving program, you have the other tools.
DD: You have responsibility for learning to sleep in longer stretches. Yes, I know you're only 4 months old. I will help you in every way, but it's also up to you.
DS: Completing potty training is up to you. We've given you the tools. Adjusting to your new class is also up to you. I will help you in every way, but I know you can do it!
If there were one thing to ask the universe, it would be that the real estate market (and economy in general) improve, so we can offload our money pit of a real estate investment. And move out of our too-small townhouse. But overall, things are pretty good.
Posted by: meggiemoo | August 01, 2009 at 04:00 PM
leaving NY...or getting a windfall of enough cash to buy a weekender upstate
Posted by: lucee | August 01, 2009 at 07:43 PM
moxie, I for one thank you for taking care of yourself for the last few months even if it has meant fewer Q&As. I call that walking the walk that your blogs talks. Your mental, spiritual, emotional, and physical well-being, as well as that of your children, is more important than anything else. I feel badly that anyone would suggest otherwise on your blog!
Posted by: momofthree | August 02, 2009 at 01:29 AM
Sleep, and a husband not burned out with grad school who was more emotionally present and in tune to helping take care of me a little more.
Posted by: Prism | August 02, 2009 at 07:35 PM
It would have to be getting negative people out of my space.
Posted by: Kristin | August 02, 2009 at 09:35 PM
@sfsaf ~ As the adult child of a father with serious anger issues, I hope you find the right path for YOU and your family, and the support you need in whatever decision you need to make!
@Rudyinparis ~ in the same situation and killing myself being the sole-supporter of our family with a FT job and four-hour commute.
My wish for the emotional health fairy has been the same one for years now - a healthy pregnancy and baby instead of the infertility nightmare and miscarriages. A baby...
Posted by: Kathleen | August 03, 2009 at 10:18 AM
A belated thanks to the other assistant professor mamas out there: today I really really needed to hear that it's okay to give this job what I have and let the tenure chips fall where they may. Though, of course, I know that -- it's more a matter of feeling and believing it. I'm so tired of waking up every morning feeling like a failure in the making.
Posted by: Cathy | August 03, 2009 at 02:12 PM
In the immediate, I will take two extra weeks. Just two, just squeeze them in there between this week and August 10, I don't care how you do it, but I need those days or possibly I will melt down, and that is never good.
In the medium term, anything that helps me stick it out at a job I hate until I can have a baby and quit (assuming I can even quit, gah! um ... or even have a baby) to go freelance would be keen. Watching the house fund grow a little bit every month just isn't enough to get me through any more.
In the long term, a complete overhaul of the US healthcare and industrialized (and industrialized organic) agriculture systems in this country would pretty much obliterate all my stress and make me a shiny, happy person. Right now I feel like I have to be both a cubicle drone and Laura Ingalls God-damned Wilder, and it's juuust a little much.
Posted by: Rbelle | August 03, 2009 at 04:56 PM
Hey Maxzmama, So sorry for the rough times... My parents divorced after an affair, but I wish my mother had gotten over her bitterness and had WANTED a healthy relationship afterwards. And 15 years later, things are not so much better for her. I wish you the best of luck.
As for me, a potty trained 2.5 year old, more time for my own activities, and more time for spending with DH would be nice...
Posted by: ML | August 04, 2009 at 07:28 PM
ML, thanks for kind words and experience. Bitterness is not good but sometimes it's hard to crack - but I am working on it as I don't want my boy to see that side of me.
Wish you luck on the potty-training - it will come, trust me, when you are least trying to promote it!
Posted by: maxzmama | August 06, 2009 at 12:17 PM
Really interesting and well written article.
Posted by: Buy My House In Tampa | August 07, 2009 at 02:41 AM
thank you for your posting the article
Posted by: cheap ed hardy | May 24, 2011 at 05:24 AM
I've been thinking since she got here about how our relationship has changed in the past few years. When my older son was born seven years ago she became my main advisor on parenting and being a mother
Posted by: Hostway Motor Inn Website | December 12, 2012 at 06:57 AM