Q&A: anonymous/crying/poop/sleep/toilet training/stomach ulcer (mine)

Whoa--this post recovered itself!

If you missed the post, I'm running a new, shorter "Release the Yelling" class starting next Wednesday, July 15 (through July 28). Details here. The last one got raves, so what do you have to lose?

Anonymous writes:

"I am having a hard time, and I'm not quite sure why. I have a bad feeling that this email might be several pages long, but it feels soothing to even have started typing it, so I'm going to keep going. I am a stay-at-home mother of 2 girls, 18 months and almost 3 years. I have a busy husband who travels a lot, and no family in town. We have teenage babysitters on hand if we want to go out for dinner, which we do a lot, but no help other than that. My husband is great, we're all healthy and strong, it's summertime, la la la. Now, what am I asking... I guess what I'm asking is: Are everybody's kids basically fussing at them all the time? Is everyone else spending their early evenings sitting outside their kids' bedrooms with their stomach in knots, listening to their kids fuss themselves to sleep? Or getting that kicked-in-the-stomach feeling every afternoon when their kids wake up from their naps way too early? My kids were both bad sleepers as babies, and I really feel like I've spent the last 3 SOLID years of my life trying frantically to get them enough rest to enable them to be pleasant to me. And failing. But this isn't a sleep question, because my kids go to sleep by themselves after varying degrees of fussing (sometimes no fussing--it depends on the phase), and might wake up once each for a bad dream or a bit of milk, but nothing I can't handle. I don't really feel like there's much more I can do about sleep; our schedule is regular and my husband and I are getting enough rest. If my kids weren't so chronically cranky, I'd consider it all all to be fine--they are getting enough hours of sleep according to the pundits, blah blah blah. They're just grouchy. Why? Is that my question? Dear Moxie: Why are my kids so grouchy?

Or maybe I'm asking about poop. My almost-3-year-old withholds her poops, usually having a bowel movement every 4-5 days, and it's hell. She eats well and fibrously, and her stools are lovely and soft (did I really just type that?) so I don't think it's physical. But once she goes a few days without a poop, it all just falls apart. She is clingy and sad and we can't do anything--it's basically like she's giving herself a stomach bug every week, and it's awful. I've tried talking about it, and not talking about it, and not talking about it works a bit better. I'm scared to toilet train her in case it makes it worse. But I wonder if it would make it better if she had a ritual and a place to go to the bathroom, instead of wandering the house sobbing and saying "I have poop in my tummy and it's making me feel sick." But even though she's peed in the potty a few times, if I suggest it she flips out. Is this a poop question? A toilet training question? What am I asking? My 18-month-old is a charismatic, sassy and chronically grumpy kid. Nothing unusual, but on top of the no pooping and the chronic tiredness and the travelling husband it feels awful to me. What is my question? Maybe it's this:

How can I make these years more bearable? How can I get my children the rest they need in order to be kind to me, at least part of the time? How can I unclench my stomach? How can I help my child to pass her stools? Are other women feeling as if they are being cried at all day, every day? Are they handling it better than I am? For how much longer will I be able to repress the urge to scream, "STOP CRYING AT ME!" in the faces of my beautiful little girls? Will I get a stomach ulcer? Why isn't this more fun? I really feel like I was realistic about my newborns; I fully expected the exhaustion and the colic, and I'm proud of how I handled all that. But why isn't it stopping? Why is everyone still crying all the time? Wait, is that my question? Dear Moxie: When do children stop crying all the time?

Lots of love,
Anonymous today"

I am so sorry. Your life is crappy right now because you're basically alone all the time with two little kids.

It's not natural, and it's not reasonable. At some point we got this idea that we're supposed to be alone in our little houses with one adult and one or two or three or more little kids, and that somehow that's supposed to make us feel fulfilled. But the problem is that adult humans need other adult conversation and companionship. And they need a break from the emotional vicissitudes of little kids. 18 months is an unbelievably tough age--the kids are either super-cranky or super-giddy, and everything's a struggle for independence and control. It's exhausting physically and mentally to be with an 18-month-old. Add another child on top of that, especially one who isn't even 3 yet and who's having pooping problems, and it's a recipe for extreme emotional duress.

We're supposed to be doing this together, not alone, when the kids are that little. One adult could be watching while three or four kids played together for a little bit, while the other adults did work or caught naps or whatever. Then someone else would take a turn. And we'd all share the load, and no one would be held hostage to the biorhythms of the kids, and no one would feel isolated and alone all the time.

But instead, we're convinced that we're supposed to be playing with and teaching our kids all day, and they're supposed to be happy and well-behaved (and so are we). Which is just unrealistic, because little kids have endless emotional needs and all kinds of mood swings, and they can't help that they just don't know how to deal with things some of the time. It's a tough, brittle situation to be in unless you have a ton of physical and emotional support from family and friends.

There are plenty of things that could be adjusted about your situation and maybe one or more will have a positive effect. So I'm going to suggest them. But I think what I really want you to know is that you aren't alone. It does suck. It sucks a lot. Charlotte Perkins Gilman knew it and Betty Friedan knew it. Hell, even the men know it--The Rolling Stones wrote a song about it, and Matthew Weiner's got it down.

That's the larger issue. I think there might be something else happening specifically with your kids, but I know lots of women are reading your letter and feeling like it sounds all-too-familiar to them.

So here are my suggestions. They aren't going to fix things, but they might give you a little more mental space:

* Get a babysitter or mother's helper to come in for a 2-3 hour chunk of time two days a week. The kids will love it, and the babysitter will love it. It will give you the time to spend *by yourself* (not with your husband) that you need. Even if all you do is go to the grocery store and walk around thinking your own thoughts.

* The crying plus the chronically tired plus the poop withholding makes me think there might be something physical going on with your kids. I'm wondering if they have sensitivities to something they're eating. Which means (drumroll please) you get to start eliminating things to see if you can figure anything out.

I would start by eliminating wheat and gluten-containing foods. You can take one of two approaches: 1) eliminate anything that would be made of flour and just feed other foods entirely (go to rice and corn as grains, etc.), or 2) buy gluten-free (GF) versions of all the stuff you usually feed (Whole Foods and Trader Joe's have decent GF selections, as does your local health food store). Stay off the gluten for at least 2 weeks and see if you notice any difference. It would definitely explain the sleep stuff and the poop stuff, but there's no way to know until you try eliminating it.

If the gluten doesn't seem to have any effect, then try eliminating, one at a time, dairy, soy, and corn. I would be *shocked* if eliminating one of these things didn't have a positive effect on the kids.

* Independent of the food and crying and poop stuff, start being super-nice to yourself. Take the time to cultivate some friendships. Exercise. Get a pedicure or whatever will relax you. You are doing a really important, really tough job under difficult circumstances.

* It's not just you, or your kids. There are tons of parents white-knuckling it during these early years.

Anyone else? Support? Commisseration? I know a couple of you have just gone gluten-free and may have some input on that.

Comments

[caramama]

You are not the only one. Does that help? It helps me! My beautiful, engaging, wonderful daughter has been high needs and fussy most of her 2 years and 4 months. (Add in a newborn who is not quite 4 weeks, and we are having fun times at the caramama house!) Sleep is good, bad, whatever. Pooping is generally normal. But the fussiness and grumpiness? It continues. I just assume it is part of her emotionally sensitive personality, which I can see as a benefit to her in her life as it has been to me in mine. It's just tough at this age (and I know will be in future ages).

Moxie, as usual, is so right about not being meant to raise children alone. I was just reading @Cloud's blog last night, and she has this great entry that is about a review of a book which describes that we are a species who is meant to raise our children together as a community (hopefully she'll chime in with at least the name of the theory, since I'm too exhausted to go look it up). We've heard so many times that it takes a village to raise children, but I think that too many of us have been lead to believe that we should be independent and be able to do it all on our own. That's just not how it's supposed to be. Yet it's hard to find a community around us at time who we feel comfortable leaning on. It's not easy. I certainly don't know how to make it easier, I have only thoughts on the matter. And the very lucky situation where we live close to my family and some close friends who we can count on for support.

About the pooping - Are you sure it's really a problem? I know you said she gets cranky when it's been a few days, but you also said that it is soft and normal. That second part makes me think that maybe it's not really constipation. It can be normal to go only once a week, as long as the poop isn't hard and the person truly constipated and have trouble getting it out. Maybe your daughter just thinks she should be going more often so it upsets her that she isn't? If that's the case, I would suggest having a talk with her about how it's no big deal to not go very often and how she shouldn't worry about it because she'll poop when she needs to. And then drop it and try to make sure it doesn't become a big deal.

As for "when do children stop crying all the time"... Please someone let me know when you figure it out. Although based on myself and my sister and others I know, the answer may be never! Yikes! At least we don't live with my parents anymore, so the crying to them is a little less!

[SarcastiCarrie]

Sign the kids up for pre-school or play school or nursery school or mom's morning out or whatever you have in your area. Now. Go. Do it. The local church might have preschool in the fall. Even if you're not religious, they'll take your kid(s). Or through your local park district (ours has it for kids 18 months to 3 years and the moms have to stay (in case of a diaper situation) but they just sit in the back and chat or knit or whatever). Story time at the library. Something. Get the kids out of your house and make them someone else's responsibility for a few hours every week. It's like the mother's helper only you'll get to meet other overwhelmed mothers too.

Do not underestimate the cumulative effects of disjointed sleep. Sure, the number of hours you are getting are enough but in 3-hour chunks, it's just not that restful.

Also, I used to cry when nap was too short because I needed my tea-and-sudoku time. Mommy time.

And if you're just not feeling fulfilled and it's too much....and this is totally radical....and if it's not for you it's ok....maybe you don't want to be a SAHM anymore. It would be ok if you (maybe once the economy got better) decided to be a WAHM or a WOHM or a part-time working, part-time staying home mom. Options. Choices.

[sueinithaca]

As I read this I though, hmm - Have I been writing to Moxie in my sleep? Excep my kids are a little older now and we don't have quite the same poop issue (but poop issues we do have!).

I think the most important, and most difficult, thing to find is a girlfriend who will A. tell the truth about her life B. loves your kids and C. not pretend that your kids are angels every time you bitch about them. (or that hers are angels and yours are evil)

I have not found this person yet, though I have come relatively close.

Other than than the poop, I think you're living my life.

[Jennifer]

I once asked my Mom when all the crying stops and her answer was along the line of "beats me" - snarkily indicating that her kids (especially her daughters!) still turn to her in our times of distress.

My first thought about the kids being so grumpy all the time is that they might need other kids to play with. I think it is a fact that kids will always be the hardest on their parents - especially their moms - and I can attest that this is true in my case, but I also know that for the 10 hours a week my daughter is at the sitter's with other kids her age (she's 27 months) and each night when we go to the playground and she runs around with the kids there, she is very happy. She learns from these other kids, she also teaches these other kids, and she truly thinks of all of them as her friends. It is a great opportunity for her to "get her sillies out" (for any Yo Gabba Gabba fans out there) and that is a major help to her Dad and I since, if she's not given these opportunities, she is grouchy, grouchy, grouchy, and WHINEY!!! If the OP hasn't made an effort to arrange playdates or take her kids to storytime or even set aside times each week to go to the playground, that would be a start. Another thought that is alternative to having a sitter come to the home a few hours a week would be to send the kids to an in-home childcare provider's house one or two days a week (just for a few hours - whatever is affordable) and let them form relationships and play with the other kids there.

I would like to believe I have a wonderful relationship with my daughter, but, I also believe that, at times, she's bored with me. That's usually when the hitting and the grouching and the whining start (save for any other issue like not feeling well, being tired, etc.). It's good for them to want to be around other people and it's good for moms and dads, too! The trips to the playground and the playdates are as beneficial to her Dad and I as they are to her. Our daughter gets to play and we get to talk with other adults for a while. We all leave a little happier.

The info in my post is just "for what it's worth", but I truly do hope everything starts getting better for the OP soon.

[Jennifer]

You are SO NOT ALONE. I stay at home with my 2 and 1/2 year old daughter and I watch my BFF's son who is the same age. My husband works full time and is going back to school so I get no help from him (not his fault; he's doing what's best for our family). Most days I feel like a single Mom and it's SO HARD. I have no family nearby to help. My only real babysitter is my BFF and she is obviously busy with her own family too. I should mention that I taught 3rd and 4th grade for 5 years before this. That was WAY easier, and we're talking about being alone with 18 8 and 9 year olds for 6 hours a day. Toddlers/Preschoolers are rough. I love my DD and my friend's son to pieces, they literally light up my life, but they also make me want to pull every last one of my hairs out.

It's normal. So normal. And you are not alone.

You NEED to get some time for yourself. Can you send your older child to pre-school a few mornings a week yet?

*big hugs*

[Nutmeg]

I think it possible the poop is something or it's nothing... but I'll tell you this much., my two and half year old is cranky 90% of the time and has been from the moment he was born (somedays it's 80% some days it's 100 some days it's 150%!).

I don't stay home with him, but if I did I'd honestly go insane. Even when there's a weekend my husband is gone all day and I have to spend just two straight days all alone with my kid who wanders around whining and crying and moaning and screaming at me I think that there isn't much more I can take.. I try to play and engage, sing songs, go for walks, do projects, make meals, and play with the hose, but the moments when he is happy are outnumbered 100:1 by the moments he is unhappy. And I all I can hope for is that it will get better soon. I can't imagine doing it, with less help, all day every day, with out much outside interaction. Moxie is right on, this is a social undertaking, parenting. It's not supposed to be a private affair.

I won't even make this anonymous. Kids are hard, some are harder than others and being isolated will make it completely unbearable.

[Treena]

We've had a long, long history of poop withholding with my oldest son, who is now almost 5. It's been an issue since he was a baby.

Things that have worked:
-Miralax. I was reluctant to have him on any sort of regular medication, but he spent about a year on this and it's just wonderful stuff. Half a capful mixed in with some chocolate milk every-other-day made a world of difference.
-Scheduled potty times. He is required to sit on the toilet every evening for 5 minutes if he hasn't pooped yet that day. If he goes, he can get off right away. If he doesn't, he has to do it again after every meal until he goes. I was surprised this worked, but he poops almost daily now with this system in place.
-Talking to him about it. You said this didn't work, but keep trying as she gets older, because at his age he can be somewhat rational about it. Like he'll tell me that he's afraid it will hurt, and I'll remind him of what happened last time and he was afraid it would hurt and then it wasn't so bad and then it felt better afterwards. We have this conversation every time he gets backed up and I think the message is starting to sink in that it's better to go now and get it over with because the longer you wait, the worse it will be. My hope is that by the time he is 16 or so he will be able to manage his own bowel movements.

I can totally relate to the feeling of being obsessed about the poop. I felt like by day 3 or 4 it was on my mind constantly and a major source of stress until he went. I'd even stop leaving the house so he'd have constant access to the toilet.

[Geeky]

You have much sympathy from me. I've been there too, and Moxie and the other commenters have good advice and kind words for you.

The poop issue sounds like what we went through with my son when he was just on the verge of potty training (he was around 2 1/2). He had no trouble peeing in the potty but would not poop in it, nor would he poop in the diaper and would hold it until days later he would finally pass one with great difficulty and many many tears. My theory (based on not much more than gut feeling) was that he was ready to be trained and no longer wanted to poop in the diaper because it grossed him out. But did not physically know how to poop in the potty and was scared of it. I don't blame him. He was used to pooping standing up and even the physical sensation of doing it while sitting or squatting must have been very different and alarming for him. I noticed that he would often poop in the bathtub - the warm water relaxed him, I guess. So one day when he had not gone in a few days I put just a couple of inches of warm water in the tub, then when he started to poop I put the little potty right in the bathtub and sat him on it. He was a little apprehensive and scared but it was too late for him to stop, so he pooped in the potty and there was much praise from me. Did the same thing the next day and it went better with less anxiety. After a few days he was pooping in the potty without the bathtub setup and all the poop issues pretty much went away and he started going regularly just about every day with little fuss.
Again, I had nothing but my maternal gut to go on but it worked. If you suspect that your daughter could be having the same issue - grossed out by pooping in diaper but afraid and not knowing how to do it in the potty, then training her might be a good solution. The trick is to figure out how to do it gently. I was lucky in that I happened to stumble upon my answer.

Good luck.

[VandyB]

My almost 3-year-old son also withholds poop - I would describe him exactly the same as you described your daughter. I don't have any answers. My son started withholding when he was around 8 months old. Nothing is physically wrong with him - he checked out perfectly healthy with a pediatric gastro. Apparently the problem stems from a painful poop at some point, which made him believe pooping would always hurt. And the withholding makes the poop harder, which makes it hurt, which perpetuates the cycle. In addition to a diet with maximum fiber, he takes miralax every day to keep the poop soft. But he still occasionally has a painful poop and that just starts the process over again of learning that it's okay to poop. I've read it can take up to a year of completely pain-free pooping for a toddler to forget the negative association. As far as food elimination, our pediatric gastro said dairy is usually the biggest problem food - when I eliminate all milk/cheese/etc. things improve some, but it doesn't change the fact that he's still mentally afraid of pooping. It's an issue with his mind and I haven't figured out the best way to talk about it/help him be comfortable with pooping. I have several children's books about pooping that are helpful to read: "It Hurts When I Poop", "Where's the Poop", and "Everyone Poops". All are available on Amazon...now that I just searched for all of those titles, I found a few other books that I would like to read.

The only helpful resource I've found is "Constipation, Withholding and Your Child" by Anthony Cohn...but even that one leaves a lot to be desired (I felt like I knew a lot of it already and it basically said to just keep doing what I was doing and wait for things to get better).

Im looking forward to reading responses from others who may have a child like this.

[Treena]

Whoops, just re-read the question and saw that the child in question is not toilet trained. Then I feel I should warn that potty training made this situation worse for my son (though it was bad to start with), and that's what eventually got us on the Miralax.

[Erica]

Just to piggy back on the "not supposed to raise kids alone thing." I just listened to a talk at a conference I was at by a mouse researcher who does work on the effects of parenting on later behavioral outcomes. In one experiment she had mice raising pups alone, and mice raising pups in a communal setting. As soon as she talked about the communal setting, I immediately thought "OMG, I want that" and several of us turned to each other and said "Those mice report less stress"--which the speaker than confirmed.

It seems like there's a part of us that KNOWS this is how it should be--why do we fight it so much? This, of course, is a rhetorical question, as I do it, too.

[Cindy]

You are not alone in your feelings. It is so very hard being a parent, especially if it is just you a lot of the time. It is hard to have your children grump and grouch and cry at you all the time. It is frustrating and it wears you down.

I work during the day and my husband is home with the 5 y/o and 1 y/o twin girls. He works at night. We do a switch-off the second I get home. When I walk in the door, the crying at mommy begins. Everyone wants attention immediately. I need to play with the kids, cook dinner, feed them, bathe them, get them ready for bed and still try to feel like I have spent some quality time with my kids all in 3 hours. Now that it is nice out we also try to get a walk after dinner in there. It's a lot for one person and honestly, it never all gets done - baths, only if they need it, walks, on our better days they happen.

I find on days where hubby didn't get them out of the house or run them around enough, especially the older one, my oh my is it cranky. I have a couple of suggestions for you. Find a mothers group in your area, go to the library, go to the parks, go to the mall playground on rainy days... JUST MEET OTHER PARENTS. Even if it is just someone you talk to once and move on. Talking to other adults helps and the running around is fun for the kids and gets the happy juices flowing and it wears them out in a really good, healthy way. Also, see if any of your local churches have a part time preschool for the older one (you don't have to belong to the church and it is usually very inexpensive). My daughter went to a christian preschool 3 days a week in the mornings and it did wonders for her (we are not religious but they welcomed us with open arms). I see that now that it's summer and school is out it's been harder on her. No kids in our area to play with so it falls on my husband to get them out during the day and with 2 one year olds that can be hard. I also like the idea of getting someone to come help you with the kids so you can have some quiet time to yourself.

With all of that being said, I find that I feel so much better when I say the heck with expectations we place on ourselves and feel from others. I do my best to have fun with the kids, I try to redirect the grumpiness and crying and just enjoy the time we have together. I find that free time for them, where we (or they alone) just play, be silly and have fun, instead of scheduled play brings us a lot more smiles and less frustration - on everyone's part. I also am learning how to deal with the crying. It makes my stomach turn hearing them cry and stresses me out immediately so I feel I have to jump in there and get them happy. When I remind myself that kids cry, sometimes just to cry, I feel less pressure and less stress and less sick.
Sorry this is rambling and all over the place, you just really touched something in me that I had to write.

[ramy]

Again with the you're not alone and its supposed to be communal thing.

I dream of having relatives in town to share child raising with but there isn't really anything for us to do (employment) in towns with relatives.

My husband totally fails to grasp how hard it is to be home with them it seems, but he is gone most of every day for work and then spends the evening either exercising or catching up on stuff at home that I can't even help with because of the baby (baby rips plants up in the garden, or eats tomato leaves). Which of course means that the kids are still with me. And my 4.5 year old is driving me freaking nuts. Evenings are hell b/c she won't sleep--she won't even stay in her room and half the time she just wakes up the baby. Last night I remember thinking that I hate my life, which is absurd b/c its really not that bad--at least on the days DD goes to preschool.

[Amy]

I AM SO THERE!

My daughters are nearly-4 and 2.5 (19 month age difference) and it is SO hard sometimes. The constant bickering over toys. The constant, "I want juice, I want snack, I need pants changed, I need to go potty..." UGH!

Yesterday I realized that I had been with my kids 24/7, except for a 2 hour break (to go to work for my husband) when my dad watched them, since June 19th. I called DH at work and said, "I have got to get out of this house," and when he came home, I left immediately. I had 3 hours to myself, and no one asked me for anything. It was restorative.

There's a church in our area that runs a "Mommy's time out" program - for $9 I can take my two, drop them off for 2.5 hours, and do whatever I want. Unfortunately, for me, that usually means, "Go to work," but occasionally I sneak out on my own.

I have a lot at my blog - http://prettybabies.blogspot.com - about having closely-spaced kids. Check the tag Two under two.

It will get easier, for a while, and then they'll be teenagers and I'm going to move to Zimbabwe without leaving a forwarding address. Hang in there. You are not alone.

[Catherine]

I don't have anything helpful to contribute on the pooping front, since J (22 months) is apparently the poopingest boy who ever pooped, but I wanted to chime in on the mother's-helper idea.

DO THIS. If there is any way you can possibly arrange it. Even a couple of hours a couple of times a week, even if you're in the house the whole time. Even if you have to hire some teenager who you wouldn't ordinarily trust with the kids on their own. See, that's the beauty of the mother's-helper arrangement: most of the time, you're THERE, so you can keep half an eye on things or be around if stuff gets out of hand, but you're not ON with the kids. (It's also great experience for a younger teen who wants to get into babysitting but doesn't have the age/maturity/experience yet.)

C and I do this on weekends with college students, and it is a godsend to be able to just get. stuff. done. without J hanging around our knees all the time.

But, and this is why I chimed in, depending on parenting standards and expectations in the region where you live, you may get a few odd looks, even from the mother's-helper, like, "what, you can't take care of your own kids while you're at home? Aren't babysitters for going out, not for being home?" Do NOT let this deter you! As many have said above, we were not meant to do this alone. And if a paid teenager is the 21st century version of aunties and grandmas and various friends and relations in the village, well, that's just what it's gonna have to take.

[Kelly]

3yrs and 18m is such a hard stage to get through, I hope some of the comments help you feel better.

Mine're almost 5 and 2.5yrs (boys) and I've been where you are and still am but it's some better. We have no family in the area and no babysitters (we live in the middle of nowhere) and we have one car that hubby takes to work. I get out of the house once a week to do the grocery shopping and it's the best time ever. It helps A LOT. We've been trying to find work for hubby that's closer to family for a few years but haven't yet and he's got a good job now so we won't take any risks in this economy. We're stuck here which means I'm stuck in here. There's no parks, no mother's groups, no playdates (I've looked) and we can't afford day-care. I'm stuck here. So how do I stay sane? (do I?) I let myself cry in front of the children. One time it was bad enough that I was on my hands and knees, begging my (then) 4yr old why he had to make it so hard on Mommy as the tears poured out. He tried to comfort me and since then he's not as bad and I think he understands that Mommy has a breaking point and Mommy *does* break sometimes. I have hobbies (knitting, gardening, blogging, reading, puzzles) that I can do around the kids while they play. I don't get down and play with them as much as I used to (excluding reading them books) but they've learned to amuse themselves because of it. I let them watch tele more than I should. I make cake for dinner (or pancakes or cookies) sometimes. I drink. (not often but sometimes it's the only way to let go of the stress).

Am I a happy, SAHM? I'm not sure they exist. I love my kids and I have moments of happiness, if that counts. It's so freaking hard, though, and it seems nobody appreciates that fact. I cut myself slack because I know that the quality time scattered in short moments through the day adds up to the same longer quality time that WOHM's spend with their kids in the evenings. I know my kids know I love them and they're intelligent and healthy and relatively normal. I know that it'll get better (oldest starts school in the fall!!!).

[thebigmeow]

I can't believe I just read a page of poo stories.

*sigh* When did I become so poo obsessed?

It doesn't help that I have spent all day keenly watching Bug's poop action because his dad fed him a whole apple for breakfast which we know makes him constipated (Dad forgot), which then makes his grumpy and clingy and wanting to feed every 2 hours... 6 months is a lovely age but enough with the poo watching!

Sorry. Just had to get it out there :)

Lots of hugs for the OP

[Rett]

The only things that saved my sanity was Mother's Day Out two days a week at a church just down the street and MOPS (Mother's of Pre-Schoolers).

I looked online and found the closest MOPS meeting and the next time they met...and I just went...I didn't know a soul, but they met at a church so I figured they probably weren't serial killers and the nursery workers probably wouldn't kidnap my son (at the time I only had one child). I got to sit for the first 30 minutes before the nursery came to get me for my crying son...when I started crying because I couldn't deal with him and his crying another minute...the grandmotherly woman told me that they could handle his crying just fine and to go back to the meeting...I did, and it was the most freeing 2.5 hours of my life and they fed me breakfast. They meet twice a month for meetings and then you have playgroups and Mom's Night's Out that they organize. I now have a great group of mom friends.

MDO costs me around $200 a month for two kids to go two days a week...and whenever my DH tried to cut it out of the budget I tell him it is cheaper than the therapy I would need otherwise. That is 10 whole hours a week I am free and childless. Not including the twice monthly MOPS meetings. *whew*

My advice is get out and get away a few times a week...I didn't have a "village" to help me raise my kids, but I went out and found one.

You are NOT alone we all go a bit nutty from all the crying, whining, fussing, not napping, being cranky when up from the nap, not eating, squabbling, sibling rivalry, not pooping, pooping too much, toilet training mania that is our lives as mothers of young children. I am told we will survive and look back fondly on these years...I am still not sure it is true, but I am hanging on for the ride, some days by my fingernails...

[liz]

Kelly, can you drive your husband to work so you can use the car? Seriously.

[maria]

"The days are long, the years are short" is what I've been told about this period of time. If you are still nursing, even a little, I highly recommend going to a La Leche meeting, where you will find other moms at a variety of stages along the exact same continuum as you, who will not care if your hair is dirty or has mashed sweet potato in it, and who will have sympathy and suggestions. You will also find other kids of varying ages for your kids to interact with, toys they aren't sick of yet, and probably a snack.

I also highly recommend following the above suggestions about a mother's helper. You can often get a 10 or 11 year old girl to come for a very low hourly wage while you're at home. She'll play with the kids and you can take a shower, or a nap, or make dinner uninterrupted, or whatever. We had a lovely neighborhood girl two days a week for 2 or 3 hours a day and it was GREAT. My daughter loooooved having a really big kid to play with, and the mother's helper was old enough to be very trustworthy alone with a baby/toddler and an adult in another part of the house and young enough to be thrilled with the responsibility. And an extra perk is she was young enough for her mom to have to be involved in the scheduling, transportation, etc., so I got to be sort of friends with another, more experienced mom.

Hang in there, it really does get better.

[Claire Murphy]

I have a 3 1/2 year old who goes to daycare every day while I work from home or travel for my job, and, I confess, some days I dread picking him up at 5pm.

I love him with my whole heart and soul, but...still...I also love to be alone.

I have no advice, as I am almost sure I am ruining my son with my piss poor parenting abilities. I only offer empathy and compassion.

[Johanna]

Anonymous, I am so sorry. So sorry. Your situation sounds incredibly stressful and there are no words to express how much I feel for you.

I can really identify with the crabby portion of your situation. My daughter, at around a year, started whining and fussing at me all. day. long. And I am only home with her two weekdays per week. It lasted for about two or three months and I was absolutely going nuts. One day I put her in the high chair in front of the TV, called my sister and cried to her. My sister said to me, "she has not stopped verbalizing this whole time we've been on the phone," which was about 30 minutes. My daughter had not stopped making noise for more than a couple of seconds the whole time, and that was how she always was. The next day I completely cut dairy out of her life and WITHIN HOURS she was a different baby. Words that she had completely stopped saying came back. She was able to play by herself for long stretches (10-15 minutes). She was happy to see me and happy to just be. It was truly a stunning difference.

So, my point is that I agree that the crankiness could really be related to something in her diet and it's really worth trying to cut out, one by one, the typical culprits. Dairy is really easy to eliminate, but I know the others are more difficult. I do feel, though, that even if it were wheat (which I imagine is a b*tch to eliminate), it would be 100% worth it to have a more emotionally balanced kid. She still gets whiny, for SURE, but it is no longer 24/7. Good luck to you. You're not alone in this.

[enu]

You are so not alone. Those were the hardest years of my life _by far_ (and we're talking worse than last year's surgery, chemo, radiation and 2 teenagers hard.) It was mind-bogglingly hard, and all on too little sleep and with too much anxiety and lack of self confidence.

It gets better. It really, really does. It gets much, much better by school age. (But quite a bit better before that.)

The question is how to muddle through until it starts getting bearable. Be kind to yourself. Recognize your own worth and treat yourself accordingly. Lower your standards. And play with water a lot (okay, that one's random, but I did truly find water play saved out sanity a lot.)

Best to you and hang in there.

[Melanie K.]

You are not alone ... but I am lucky ... I get out of the house to my full time job every day.
My (as of yesterday) 6 year old still has poop problems. I need to try Moxie's suggestions!
My soon to be 4 year old has a speech disorder and I never feel I have the time to help him at home. We are potty training, but he will poop his pants EVERY TIME, EVERY DAY.
My (as of four days ago) 1 year old ... well, I can't wait to potty train him .. I am tired of diapers.
All three of them (specially my 6 year old) are very disrespectful of me and his dad. Well, the one year old isn't ... yet .. he just wants me to hold him all the time.
Okay, I will stop, this is your post ... I just wanted to say you aren't alone. You need to get out of the house for your sake ... and even your kids' - believe it or not. Hugs to you.

[kakaty]

Great advice in the comments about getting some time for yourself. So I will just lend this bit of advice - something I'm slowly learning with my nearly 3-year old girl...

She's been doing peeing on the potty for about a month now but my twice-a-day pooper will now withhold it sometimes and it makes her CRANKY. She is also is impossible to get down at night - requiring either an epic battle or one of us staying in the room until she falls asleep (which can take up to an hour). What I am finding, and the daycare confirms, is that she is really craving large-motor movements before rest time. And this helps the poop issue, too.

We have found out that spending an hour or more on a walk, at a playground or just playing running/jumping games in the backyard before bedtime has improved the going-to-sleep situation by about 90%. It also helps on those days when she is holding her bowels - the movement shakes them loose and she can't hold it any longer (sometimes we are able to get her to go on the potty, but it's still mostly in her pants).

With it being summer it is pretty easy for us to find something to do outside. Some nights we take turns - giving us each some 1-1 time with our girl (and the other parent an hour of alone time). With you having 2 kids the logistics may be more difficult but it might be worth a try.

[Stephanie (no longer in PR)]

I just wanted to share on the doing it alone part. I have two kids (4 and 17 months) and my husband is in the Army and gone a lot. We move all over the place and family is often far away. This week, we are visiting family-like friends for the wedding of their middle daughter. In their house at any given time are the mom, dad, three daughters (all in their early 20s), a fiancee, a boyfriend, a few other family members, and us. They love kids and are totally okay with noise and mess. *Several* times yesterday, I was just sitting around talking or eating in peace when it occurred to me that I couldn't hear my kids. They were out back with someone, or playing with a cat with someone, or watching a movie with someone, or whatever. It was like heaven. They were happy, I was relaxed, and it was great.

Obviously it can't be like that every day, but it made me think a lot about the extended family situations of my childhood - aunt, uncle and cousins next door, grandparents a mile away - and made me think that part of the reason I find parenting so hard is that so often I do it by myself.

Don't beat yourself up about feeling worn out - it is a very challenging job on many levels.

[rkmama]

Will go back and read all the comments later but just wanted to let you know, like I'm sure others already have: You are so very very NOT alone.
@enu, YES! My kids have been nothing but whiny, grumpy, sassy little buggers all week (Oh and also much of the last 3 years) so this morning I took them out front, turned the hose on and handed it over to them. They jumped splashed, sprayed themselves, each other, filled buckets, and laughed, laughed, laughed. It sure didn't fix everything but it released the tension that has been building. Also whenever my 19 month old gets too clingy or cranky I turn the sink on low and give him a small cup (like a children's medicine cup)and his toothbrush and let him go nuts. It's my only tried and true distraction and/or meltdown preventer.

[meggiemoo]

My sister and I have discussed this very thing ever since I had my first son 3-1/2 years ago. No one was meant to raise children this way. This isn't how it's done in a lot of the world...the OP would have grandmas, aunties, sisters, etc., who would walk in and say, "Hand me that baby."

I have none of that...grandparents fairly close by but too busy with their own sh*t to be involved, friends all have their own kids and/or work full-time. And I'm on maternity leave, so it's not like I do this all the time. But with a 3-month-old and a 3-1/2 year-old, it's HARD.

I find I'm a much better mother when I work outside of the home. If you haven't read "MotherStyles", I highly recommend it. It links your Myers-Brigg personality type to what type of mother you are. So if you're an introvert, staying home alone with kids in your space all day is soooo hard. But getting out among people doesn't really help. The book helps you see that parenting really flexes the parts of us we're uncomfortable with.

As for the pooping, well, we're poop-obsessed around here, too. Preschooler pretty much refuses to poop on the potty, withholds, etc., until it hurts him. Have tried everything I can think of.

I have also had the thought that my life sucks the big one right now. But then, I've always enjoyed the toddler years more than the infant ones, so I'm just sort of muddling through until my DD is a year. Now isn't that sad?

[eta]

Both times I've reached the three-yr-old mark, I noticed my kids started needing more--more running around outside, more attention, more projects. (I'm constitutionally bad at the running and at the projects. Baking's about the best I can do. And then we get sugar overload.) Starting Montessori helped with Elder Brother, and I am hoping that it will help Little Sister this fall, too. I've noticed at this point in the summer we are at loose ends here, and I am simply too tired to step up my game.

All the suggestions above sound great. I hope the food elimination stuff works--our lives changed when we discovered and addressed Elder's asthma--and that you can find a mother's helper in some capacity, too.

In any case, when Elder turned 3-and-a-half, I cried a lot (Little was just one year old then), worried that someone had taken my happy, friendly baby and replaced him with this fussy, whiny holy terror. I read about the Ames and Ilg books here, bought "Your Three-Year-Old" sight unseen, and felt much, much less crazy. That book had a couple of sentences that I held onto like white-knuckled mantras and a little while after 4, things started to ease up. (I am hoping Little eases off then, too, though I've learned that one time around is no guarantee for anything.)

Best of luck to all. Thanks for your stories.

[MrsHaley]

I THINK this whole situation is so totally normal ... based on the comments, it seems like everyone feels like this at some time or another. I know I do. Being a SAHM complicates this particular set of circumstances because (at least for me) I didn't know if the constant crying / whining was normal or not, because I didn't know many other children to compare to, unlike a parent whose kid is in daycare all day with other children and caregivers to give perspective. Anyway, from what I can tell, seemingly-constant crying? whining? screaming? Normal. This too shall pass.

As far as concrete a$$vice, ITA with Moxie that it sounds like there may be something physiological going on, like an allergy or sensitivity. That's Hedra's department -- I'm sure she'll weigh in with some perspective on it. My first thought (after Moxie's suggestion of gluten) was milk. Could you modify enough to cut out at least straight-up dairy products and see if that helps?

The other thing is exercise + sleeping, like @kakaty said. I have found that deliberate, exhausting exercise OUT IN THE SUNLIGHT does wonders for our moods & sleeping around here (2.5 y/o girl, 9 month boy). I mean 60+ minutes of serious running, jumping, cavorting that results in breathless sweatiness every. single. day. Run their little legs OFF. Then are they too tired to whine? I don't know. But they do crash, and that's what I need.

The other thing I want to say is that this phase doesn't mean you are a bad mom (obv -- everyone else is experiencing it too!). It also doesn't necessarily mean being a SAHM isn't 'for you.' None of the choices are easy (because parenting is hard no matter how you're doing it) and if you decided to change this particular setup by putting them in daycare and going to work, you'd have a whole other set of problems and guilts and agonies that woudn't be any 'easier' to deal with than these are. Nobody loves it all the time. Parenting at home fulltime is work. Working fulltime is work. It's ALL hard and sometimes it sucks. That's why they call it WORK.

Also, can't speak highly enough of MOPS, MOMS groups, and meetup.com. Check it out!

[sheSaid]

yay! Someone ELSE who loves their child but does not feel fulfilled with all of the duties, the whining, all of it.
I love what moxie said about how we are just not supposed to live like this.

Despite my mother and grandmother working I still realized I felt like I was supposed to feel fulfilled or love the total care of my child. I don't. If someone does, GREAT! Actually those people rock and I hope they are taking care of other kids also and getting paid decently. Childcare is hard and it is not all of our passions, which is not to say we are not meant to be mother's. A father would never feel bad for enjoying going to work or not feeling completely in love and fulfilled by parenthood.

I think the key might be finding a bit more balance. Or trying to find more balance. I am always looking for it. Enough time for me, for my things, for adults, time away that when I come back I have missed my child just a bit and my tolerance is higher.

But I would also echo trying out cutting out some foods. Many kids/people have insensitivity that show in mood and physical discomfort that is not a clear and obvious allergy. My husband recently did an elimination diet and can not eat wheat but feels so much happier, more energetic patient ect. With a very distinct shift when he eats wheat.

[lucee]

I am writing this a few feet away from where my 20 month old son is sleeping; I'm racing to finish because I am terrified he will wake up early and the nap will be over too soon and my afternoon will degenerate into the usual; creeping crankiness then sobbing, ankle clinging, and endless baleful cries of "muuuuummmmaaaaaa muuuummmmaaaaa.
By 5pm I will be making his dinner one handed, because its easier for me to hold all 27 pounds of him, than listen to him cry and climb my leg. Then I'll wait for the food to be upended and thrown on the floor, because he's too tired to eat, then try to get him to sleep; but he'll be too tired to sleep. I live in NY. My husband works day and night and travels, my mother lives on the other side of the world. Its totally crappy.
The best remedy is if you can find the cash; have a regular sitter who comes every week during the day and you have time off. Or get some pre-school in your life.
I get two afternoons, and a wonderful lady, comes and takes my son to the park, to a class, whatever. And I, though its taken me a year to not do laundry or chores, I take time off. I visit a friend, I have a pedicure. I sit and read in the park. And for 5 hours my body is mine, my thoughts are mine. I make sure I do something simple and relaxing that I like to do. It fills the tank, and I can go home and be a better mother.
Also use the weather, and get out of the house. When I am with him and the grumps come on, I am out that door and under the sprinkler. Getting out can do wonders for you all.

You are not alone, and it sounds as though you are doing a wonderful job with humour and tenderness.

[Kelly]

liz: I could, but it's just easier to stay here (and cheaper - even with gas prices down it's expensive to commute even 20mins). I really do stay sane most of the time. My oldest, who's been most in need of better socialization, has been doing EI preschool and the same place takes "normal" kids for "peer examples" and my youngest will hopefully qualify for that in a year. We don't have the best situation but we're lucky in so many ways that I can't complain too loudly. (Thanks for caring, though.)

[Stacy]

We went though about 9 months of poop withholding with my then 2.5, not-potty trained son. It drove us all nuts. He would withhold for 4-5 days at a time and would not sit still for meals and always want to lie down because he was so uncomfortable.
My son was also on Miralax and like the OP, his poops were not hard at all. It was a mental issue for him.

We got some of the books mentioned above. I think "It Hurts When I Poop" was the best book, although it is geared towards slightly older kids.

It's been about a year since his problem has been resolved. This is what worked for us: MnM's candies. It was my mother's idea. After he pooped (in his diaper -- not potty trained yet), we offered him one MnM. He never had one before so he didn't even know what to do with it. Once he realized what it was and ate it, his next words were "I'm gonna poop again!" It took a while, but after each poop, he got one or two MnM's as a reward and then slowly over the course of a month or so, he was pooping about every other day and wasn't even asking for MnM's any more.

After that, he was pretty easy to potty train, for both poop and pee. Now he's regular like clockwork and poops on the toilet every night before bed. It may take a while and your solution may be different, but it will get better.

I hope this issue works itself out for you soon. (Pun intended.) It's no fun being around miserable people all the time.

[mia]

You have all my sympathies. I have been there and still am some days.
I have one concrete piece of advice though, after going through some similar poop withholding with my then 3 -3 1/2 year old. We tried diet and the poops were of nice consistency, just huge and too far apart and associated with great anxiety. We also tried Lactulose with no success at all. However Polyethylene Glycol (PEG) 3350 1g/kg worked wonders for us. No more fuss, no more pain or anxiety. Just goes once a day.

[Cori]

@ Anon - You are so not alone. My kids are a bit younger (2 yrs and 9 mos) but I totally relate. My husband rarely travels, but his hours are long and I often feel trapped in the house all day with two crying children.

Actually, I vacillate between two extremes: life could not get any better and I'm going to lose my mind any second now.

I agree with the suggestion to get out of the house as much as possible. My kids get cabin fever. That said - it is really effing hard to go anywhere with two little one. Sometimes it is a disaster and you just wish you had stayed home. But overall I feel better when we get out.

My best to you. I try to remind myself that it will all get easier.

[Cloud]

Oh, I wish I had time to really read the comments right now, but I don't. It sounds like you're getting good advice/commiseration on the poop thing. I have nothing on that.

Caramama mentioned my post about a new book that argues humans evolved as a "cooperatively breeding species". Since she mentioned it, and because I think all of us who have struggled with the idea that we should be able to raise our kids all on our own should think about this, I'll link to the post. Here it is:
http://wandsci.blogspot.com/2009/07/this-should-make-you-feel-better-about.html. It is the current post on my blog.

The book is called "Mothers and Others" and is by Sara Hrdy. I haven't read the book yet, just the review. Unfortunately, to read the review I read you need a subscription to the journal Science. If you're really motivated, any univeristy library and a lot of public libraries will have that. Or you can just read my synopsis of it! The main point is that there is reasonably strong evidence that early humans were cooperative breeders, in that group members other than the parents were expected to help raise the kids.

I completely agree with Moxie and the others that you need some help and some time to be YOU and not just "X's mommy". I love being my daughter's mommy, but I would not be able to do it on my own all of the time. I am a WOHM who very much needs to be a WOHM. However, when she was younger, I had every other Friday off. I loved and hated those days. She was (and is) a relatively high-needs kid, and I remember that sometimes I'd end up walking her around the neighborhood crying (that's me crying, not her) because she wouldn't nap unless she was moving. I felt so overwhelmed and incompetent and like every other mother in the world was doing better than I was.

Motherhood is hard. We are NOT supposed to be able to do it all on our own. If your husband can't help out more, then definitely get some support from somewhere else: use those teenagers during the day while its still summer and they are out of school. Find a mommy's group to join- just having some other mothers to talk to helped me when I was feeling overwhelmed. I've heard great things about the YMCA and their childcare options. You'll have to figure out what works in your life, but there is absolutely no shame in needing the support.

[caramama]

This post also reminds me that we need to do another DC area get together so we don't all feel so alone. I'm thinking the first or second weekend in August. I'll try to put something up on my blog about it today, but definitely by Monday (I hope).

[MrsHaley]

Also! @Moxie -- so happy to see another plug for Charlotte Perkins Gilman. She is a hero of mine and (unfortunately) not many people know about her. Some of the more philosophical passages in "Herland" really helped clarify my own feelings on parenting & personhood. She was a straight-up genius.

[Karen]

This is really making me sad to read because it sounds very similar to my stress parenting an almost-10-month-old. I've been blaming the whiny, cranky crap on separation anxiety, so it's depressing to think that it's not necessarily a phase and won't necessarily go away anytime soon.

My coping strategy right now is:

1. Get out of the house every day, because my daughter is much happier and better-behaved when we are in public. At home, especially first thing in the morning and between her second nap and bedtime, she is clingy, cranky and frustrating. I've joined 2 moms groups and started going to free events at the public library. Evie is still too young to really "get" much of what we're doing, but it is essential for me to get out of the house and chat with other moms.

2. I'm doing a kind of cry-it-out for awake time. I will sit down on the floor with her and give her 30-40 minutes of play time with me, 100% of my attention, and then I'll gently tell her "time for you to play independently." and I'll get up and do something like fold laundry or empty the dishwasher, whatever. She freaks out and cries and clings to my leg the whole time, and I just ignore the crying and act nonchalant, trying to send her the vibe that "it's OK, you're fine, I'm fine" and it usually works. She gets tired of clinging to my leg and after 10 or 15 minutes she's playing independently for awhile.

[Eva]

So many things to comment on, but I'll stick with one. My son did not withhold his poop, but he did refuse to go on the toilet LONG after he had mastered peeing on the toilet. I tried all kinds of things, and like all of us, didn't want to make a big deal of it, but yet was up to my eyeballs in dirty diapers at the time with baby #2. I tried to encourage him in all kinds of ways, even telling him that I would give him a surprise and that I had a box filled with surprise goodies, but nothing worked. Then our pediatric nurse practitioner had a great idea. She said that the surprise box of treats would never work for his age because it was all too abstract and he had no invested interest. She suggested going to a toy store with him and picking out something he really wanted (or just independently getting something he'd mentioned ad nauseum and knew he really wanted). So, we bought 4 cars from the Cars movie that we knew he was "desperate" for and we put them up on the highest bookshelf in plain view. After months of his not refusing to poop on the toilet, he LITERALLY went poop on the toilet 5 minutes after seeing the cars on the shelf. While he was on the pot, my husband and I squealed to each other, "Parent Conference!" and decided that he would get those cars ONE AT A TIME. So our son quite literally pooped four times in 48 hours and won all of the cars. Of course, there were bound to be relapses, and sure enough there were. The way we dealt with it was to say, "Okay, it's fine for you to poop in your diaper, but you will have to give up the cars". So, maybe 2 or 3 times, the boy made the choice to poop in his diaper and he elected to hand over the cars (which he could then win back in one shot after pooping in the toilet once). After just a couple of setbacks, we were officially free from diapers!
I know that the OP has not yet potty trained, but I wondered if the same kind of reward system could work for her daughter somehow.

[Sarah]

@Karen -- would your daughter be ok if you put her in a sling / carrier while you went about those chores? Just a thought, but I know that I know regret those times when I ignore my son's cries when he was a baby, and I wouldn't want you to have the same regrets. My son was the same and COULD NOT play independently until he was perhaps closer to 18 months. I found the first year pretty horrible. We were outside on the go all the time (actually I gained weight when he stopped being so cranky because I was no longer on the go all the time! ha.) Anyhow, howabout putting your daughter in a baby carrier and just going for long walks, doing errands, get a dog whatever :) I wore my son in the Bjorn until he was 18 months (and he was a big boy). Good luck...

[auburn]

I haven't read all the comments so forgive me for repeating buy my immediate thoughts were...
a. talk to your pediatrician about the poop thing. 4-5 days is a looong time to go without going. I'd be seriously cranky too!
b. books about poop (there are surprisingly, several) might help her get more comfortable with the idea of going as soon as she feels the urge but I'd rule out any physical stuff too.
c. Get your kids some outside care one or two days a week if you can afford it. An almost three year old is the perfect age for part time preschool. Some preschools also have daycare for younger kids. In addition to the advantage of getting some alone time and your kids getting to be social and get some of that energy out with other kids, you also get the added benefit of the perspective of outside caregivers who get to know your kid and who are "experts" in kids that age. So you get an ally who can help you problem solve some of the more annoying behaviors. The teachers at my sons daycare are wonderful. I've gotten so many great ideas from then and it's so helpful to have someone who knows him really intimately. I can discuss his behavior with them and they offer a great perspective, ideas and a lot of reassurance.
d. Talk to your husband, honestly, about what a hard time your having. Let him be a partner and help you figure out ways to cope with the stress of having two little ones full time.

I spent two days home alone with my 18 month old this week (immediately after a 3 day weekend) and went back to work on Wednesday feeling like I had been through boot camp. Staying at home with young children is hard, hard, hard work. As difficult as being a working parent is there are many ways that work feels like an escape. I also know that the energy and excitement he gets at daycare really help him stay on an even keel the rest of the time. He's a super social kid and needs that outlet.

[Shanna]

No time to read comments, but I want to give a HUGE YES YES YES to Moxie's babysitter suggestion. Seriously, it took me until my twins were almost two years old to do this (instead of weekly childcare swaps with a friend, which was also useful but not quite the same), and it made a world of difference. I really thought I couldn't justify it (after all, should stay at home moms...stay at home? and be moms?), but it makes a world of difference in my attitude and in my kids' demeanor. They are DELIGHTED after a few hours with the sitter, and I am actually happy to see them and get them ready for bed.

[Charisse]

Hm, well 2 things: # 1, for our family the whole poop presents thing was absolute magic for withholding at the potty training stage. (very specific technique: in short, visible bowl of wrapped presents, don't say anything about it to the child until they ask about it, first time they ask just say "they're poop presents" and change the subject, then wait for them to ask about that...etc.)Ping me for further details if you're interested, or look it up in one of the Pantley books.

#2, I will come right out and admit that I have shouted STOP CRYING AT ME to the face of a beautiful little girl. More than once. It sucked, I'm not proud of it. But we're both still OK and it alerted me to the fact that something was really getting under my skin. And hers. Usually there's some kind of direct conflict that doesn't have to be a direct conflict--as hedra talks about often, if I can get us both back on the same side of the problem, we can start solving it. Come to think of it, I bellowed ENOUGH WHINING at Mouse a couple weeks ago. She's 5 now, so the response was "mommy, you are scary-beary-lemon-airy and yelling isn't fair". Um, true, Mouse. I apologized, we talked about the problem, it got better. Harder with a 3 year old, but we've been working on it since then--because, despite finding Moxie's yelling class awesome, I'm not sure I'll ever be at zero on that.

Oh, actually 3: when Mouse was somewhere between 2 and 3, I found her need for exercise and stimulation increased dramatically. She went from "swimming lesson is a nap *emergency*" to "if she only has a swimming lesson, she needs another couple hours of playground time or she'll never go to sleep"...and my kid is a demon if she's bored. Both daycare and preschool have been wonderful for her in terms of variety and stimulation. If you can swing a little bit of that for the older one, she might really like it.

[InSurvivorMode]

You are SO not alone! OP, thank you so much for taking the time to write Moxie and put into words how you have been feeling because you could have been writing about me and so many others. Moxie and Moxieites, thank you for being my sanity and my link to reality. So many moms I meet in person seem to have it all together. They are happy and perfect SAHM's going on lots of outings with their happy well-behaved kids, organizing their day with tons of kid centered activities, etc. No one seems to talk about how crappy their day was and how much their kids are driving them nuts. People will say to me, oh don't you just LOVE being a SAHM? If I really told them how I felt sometimes, they would look at me like I was a freak! I find it ironic that it's here on the Internet where I can find reality. My reply to the "don't you just love it?" question is "I like being with my kids- well, most days that is!" It's enough of an opening for me to feel out other "just getting by moms", but it's so hard to find those moms face to face and that's why I love AskMoxie. Real world advice given out of love meant to be helpful, not judgemental. Thank you all! Sorry if I rambled, just had to say it.

Now more to the OP's post. Poop. I second Stacy and Eva's post about using a reward for pooping. When potty training my oldest son, he refused to poop in the potty and would hold it for days. Finally we told him he could have a new Thomas DVD every time he pooped (thank you Craigslist). Well once he heard that, he started to poop 5 times a day! After two days we were out of DVD's but it had been enough practice in a short amount of time that pooping on the potty was no longer scary. So if you can find something she's totally into and offer it as a reward, that might work?

I also second the getting out and having kid free time. I'm lucky in that my husband does not travel much and is Super supportive, but even with that I still go crazy. What's helped for me? I have a standing "date" once a month where I go out with a former coworker. Maybe it's dinner, shopping, movie or catching up on the latest office gossip. It's only once a month but it has been a lifeline for me. Also, my friend doesn't have kids so we mostly talk about other stuff. It's nice to turn on the adult part of my brain and not talk about poop for once in a while! I also started a Yoga class that meets in the evening once a week. It's close to home and although I'm only out of the house for 2 hours, it's very restorative. The class is only 1 hour, but the community center is next to a Target, so after yoga, I wander around Target for a half hour all-by-myself! I don't even half to spend any money, it's just so freeing to look at stuff at my own pace! I love my Target therapy!!!

But sometimes it's hard to get out alone so another coping mechanism that my husband and I use is "divide and conquer". We each take one kid and go about our errands or what have you. It's not as great as being by yourself but let me tell you, for us, having only one kid in tow instead of two can be pretty refreshing. And it's a lot easier to convince my husband to take one for a few hours instead of two. Someone told me when I was pregnant with my first that once you have two, having one will feel like none. Well, I thought he was a complete idiot after my first son was born (how could this be like none?). But after my second was born, I swallowed my pride and realized that at least for us, he was right.

And finally, as others have said, find other moms to talk to. I call my SIL daily. Our kids are close in age and having someone who knows what you are going through is huge. We are there for each other. I can always count on her to just listen, or offer advice, or just plain adult conversation, whatever is needed at the time and I hope I do the same for her! Thanks M if you're reading!
Hang in there! Remember, you're not alone and you are doing a great job! You're kids are so lucky to have you as their mom!

[Josy]

I am so sorry for the fussy times you are going through. I have been there as well, and when it really peaks in my house, we get the hell out of dodge! Go to the park! The museum! A playgroup! A pool/sprinkler (where there are other kids)! The library! Rotate your favorite places and find some other moms that you can chat with. It will be a change of pace and maybe getting home will be refreshing to your girls and they will enjoy home a little more.

I would really suggest going gluten free, as well as just eliminating processed foods. I have kept this kind of diet for my 4 kids, since my first had really tragic poops at 13months. Fresh Foods help you feel better. Do you give them frequent snacks and lots of liquids? Sounds silly but filling up those tummies often can really help the crank factor. Make a chart that she can put a sticker on when she poops and after she gets 3 in a row (or something like that) then you guys could go out on a special date to the _______! (Park, Library, Bookstore, Creek or River to explore together, SnowCone stand, pool, the possibilities are endless... Then maybe work towards another chart for going on the potty. Make it colorful, include her in the ideas for special places to go together.

Bring that mother's helper over more often and tell your girls your having a break- it won't hurt them to be honest. When you are with them, tell them when your having fun and enjoying their company. Compliment them without overpraising. And, tell them when they are not being fun to be around- you can teach them what is nice and what is not nice to be around. You are the teacher mama- in your hands lies the key to how you want your kids to be, it is okay to do time out with a 3 year old who is whining to much! Little sister will pick up on that too. Encourage them to play together and mama will be nearby. Give them 2 choices of what they can play with and tell them whining and crying are not part of the choices.

Best of luck,

[Z]

First of all, I'm having a good laugh at all the "it takes a village" comments -- weren't you the same bunch who were bitching about getting unsolicited advice just the other day?! I've lived in places where kids are by and large raised communally, and trust me, the annoying unsolicited advice from random people is part and parcel of the "village," so be careful what you wish for!

And second of all, yeah, it does suck. I'm a single mom of a 3.5-year-old, with not enough money and no support network, and I hate it. Love my son (although I can't stand him lately), hate motherhood. So, two random bits of semi-solicited advice:

1. On the pooping, you don't actually have to tackle peeing and pooping all at once. My son had the pee part down pat but was starting to have nasty poop-withholding issues; however, he's finally started asking me for a pull-up when he needs to poop, which I know isn't 100% potty training success, but it's waaay better than what we had before.

2. As for finding some sanity, if you've got the cash to hire someone to look after the kids for a bit, definitely do it. And cut yourself as much slack as possible: even if something isn't the optimum situation for your kids, if it gives you a bit more sanity, do it (I'm talking about things like daycare, letting them watch a movie while you make dinner, having a stiff cocktail every evening -- just one! -- etc.). Also, I know this runs against the grain here, but while other mothers can be useful sources of information and commiseration, it drives me bananas to listen to the incessant chitchat about kids. What really makes me feel sane is talking to my CHILDLESS friends. You can actually talk about books, philosophy, cars, travel, anything other than the damn kids! Those conversations are what really help me escape from the thankless mundanity of motherhood.

Good luck, and much, much commiseration...

[Cloud]

@Z- there is a difference between a village and the entire city of New York. And there is a difference between telling a stranger to put a hat on her baby and having a group of people who can actually offer meaningful support to a mother who needs it.

That said, I suspect (like @caramama said in a comment on my blog) that some of the random comments from strangers phenomemnon is a hangover from the days when we lived in much smaller groups and really were all responsible in some way for every child we saw.

[Karen]

@Sarah: I really, really tried to be a babywearer but Evie and I both hate it. I tried the moby, maya and bjorn and she only likes them if we are out on a walk or if I'm moving around the house (vacuuming or something). If I stand in one spot or sit down, she gets very impatient with me and wants to get out. And for me, I just overheat, start sweating and it makes me cranky. And it's hard to bend over while wearing her (as in emptying the dishwasher) because the carriers I've tried tend to shift (especially the maya). I honestly can't figure out what babywearing moms DO while wearing their babies!

It is upsetting to hear her cry for me, but I'm not putting her in a playpen or a walker or anything like that; she follows me around clinging to my leg, so technically we're still in physical contact and she knows I'm there for her. What she really wants is for me to be a full-time stationary play gym for her to climb on and cruise around, and I just can't do that all day long. :)

But thanks for the suggestion, I appreciate it!