More Moxie "Trusting Your Instincts As a Parent" is starting tomorrow morning. You can still hop in--just click the link on the left sidebar there and sign up!
Now here's a question that's far less emotional than yesterday's topic was. Krys writes:
"It seems like every time I take my daughter--she's 8 months--out of the house, someone's giving me advice or telling me I'm doing something wrong. And it's not even if Ava's crying. We can be walking along, minding our own business, and someone will cross the street to tell me she should be wearing a hat. Seriously?? I am about to lose it and say something nasty. Is it just me? Maybe some kind of vibe I give off that says I welcome meddling? And is there anything I can say that won't sound impolite but will shut them up?"
Ha. Haha. Hahahahahaha. I've been hating the meddling for 8 years now (since I was pregnant with my older son). You'd think that as an advice columnist I'd be more inclined to give people random advice, but I rarely do (and it's almost always about physical comfort issues like the straps of a carrier being twisted or something). Maybe I see enough real problems that I don't need to make things up.
I think at the bottom of it, that's why people give un solicited advice to strangers--they want to feel important. Which is understandable, because we all want to feel important. Some people just choose better outlets.
At any rate, I completely understand the feeling of just wanting to punch someone in the face when they tell me my kid is underdressed when it's sweltering outside. And I may, when particularly sleep-deprived, have said some not-so-nice things in response.
But I belive the high road that also cuts people off in their tracks is the classic Miss Manners response, which is to smile with your lips but make your eyes go cold, and say simply, "How kind of you to take an interest." And then move on. (This also works when people ask when you're going to have another baby.) Even if the other person doesn't immediately realize how presumptuous they've been, there's still not much they can say in reply.
Can everyone please share the most ridiculous or horrifying thing someone's said to them on the street with their child? Mine was the time I was pushing my older son in the stroller, hugely pregnant, and some lady *chased me down the block* to tell me my son was picking his nose. "Ma'am, he's 3," is all I said. I'm still proud of my restraint.
Now you go.
My personal favorite, though I rate it as ridiculously funny rather than obnoxious, was when I was standing in line at the supermarket with my two-month-old son SCREAMING in the Bjorn.
The woman in front of me asked, "Have you tried a pacifier?"
To which I shrugged and replied, "Why, yes, I've tried five, in fact."
A bit taken aback, she wished me "bon courage, alors."
Posted by: parisienne mais presque | June 30, 2009 at 07:40 AM
When I was a nanny, I got this quite a bit. I was the same race as the girls I was nanny for, and people often assumed I was their mother. I eventually settled on a huge smile, and a hearty "I will take that up with the child's real mother when next I see her!" Then I'd stare at the person until they went away and/or just march off with the kids.
Of course, I really wasn't the girls' mom, but there's no reason why someone else couldn't be substituted, such as the father, the grandmother, or, even mysteriously, "Uncle Bill."
Posted by: Shannon | June 30, 2009 at 07:43 AM
The one that always sticks in my mind was when I took my daughter, then 3 weeks old to Target for the first time. An elderly lady peeked into her carrier, commented "What a handsome boy" (she was wearing a sleeveless blue dress) and then proceeded to berate me for not dressing the baby warmer. It was freaking July!!!! I didn't know what to say so I told her I had better get my shopping done so I could get my freezing child home for her nap.
Posted by: Chris | June 30, 2009 at 07:44 AM
I am from Minnesota and I live in Puerto Rico, where it *never* gets below 75 during the day. More than once I've been running with my now 17 month old son in a jogging stroller and it's started to rain. Sometimes I have the cover and sometimes I don't. Several times, people have stopped in their cars to tell me to get my baby out of the rain or ask if I want a ride.
Posted by: Stephanie in PR | June 30, 2009 at 07:57 AM
My nearly two-old was throwing a tantrum in a store while I was hugely pregnant. I put her in time out in the store because she'd slapped my hand, and the Clinique woman said to me, "You know, have you ever thought about hitting her?"
My jaw dropped and I'm certain I gave some hugely rude response. Turns out I went into labor later that day, so hormones were probably raging, but don't you think she deserved it?
Posted by: Erica | June 30, 2009 at 08:09 AM
This just happened yesterday:
I was loading my 2 yo and my almost 4 yo into the car in a crowded parking lot on a hot day. My 4 yo climbed in on his side so that he'd be safely in the car but (following my instructions) left the car door ajar so we'd get some air while I buckled my 2 yo in her seat. I was still bent over my daughter when a woman came RUNNING across the parking lot to warn me that my son's door was open and I shouldn't drive away until it was closed. WTF?
Posted by: After Words | June 30, 2009 at 08:15 AM
I will admit that this didn't happen to me very often--must be that living in the NE phenomenon...
When our first child was little, our babysitter, after giving her strawberries for the first time at 9 months, informed us that she really wasn't worried about allergies for our child, so it was OK.
I guess this doesn't qualify as advise, but it still gets my dander up when I think about it. The relationship didn't continue much longer.
Posted by: blue | June 30, 2009 at 08:18 AM
Reading these stories is so funny! I've read about this happening in passing around here before, but nothing like this has ever happened to me?!? I wonder if it's regional, or something? I live in a very rural area of the NE where people are quite standoffish to begin with ... Anyway, I'll be reading for appropriately withering comebacks in case it ever does happen!
Posted by: MrsHaley | June 30, 2009 at 08:18 AM
Two stick in my mind as especially bad:
once, when my daughter was about a year, we were on an epic voyage from Aspen to upstate New York. Epic because both my husband and daughter had a violent stomach flu. And then the plane caught fire in Denver so we were re-routed several times through different airlines. At 10 pm, we were in the Philadelphia airport. baby was still awake, but crabby and actually wanting to eat. The only thins to choose from at that time and in that terminal were candy bars and smart corn (why no pretzels? I have no idea). I chose the smart corn. An older woman approached me and Loudly dressed me down, because he husband was a "safety expert" and I was endangering.the.baby's.life. I was a BAD MOTHER. She.could.choke. Etc etc.
I thanked her for concern, and then the baby threw up in her general direction.
Last year, my 1 year old son wore his standard outfit to the YMCA childcare - a t-shirt and diaper. It was August and about 90 degrees. The girl in the childcare room gave me a lecture about indecency and the need for him to wear pants. I spoke to the manager of the Y about that one.
The boy, incidentally, does not wear pants. Usually a shirt and diaper. Sometimes a dress. I make him wear pants if it's below 30F. I live in a smallish town and am out and about a lot. Strangers (who know me because I chat people up and then forget them) come up and cheer "W* is wearing pants today! Hooray!" any time he wears pants. It helps that he has an unusual name, so people remember him as the pantsless kid with a funny name. That always startles me, but you know what, if he eventually wears pants because people are reinforcing the behavior, I'll be pretty excited. That's a good kind of unsolicited help.
Posted by: sueinithaca | June 30, 2009 at 08:19 AM
These are too funny. My daughter (now almost two) is from Guatemala. After spending 5 minutes in the sun on the first nice day this year, she automatically turns this wonderful bronze color, and stays that same color all summer (I still lather her up with SPF though). If I hear one more person tell me how "tan" my baby is I might scream. On a cynical day I usually repond with "yes, baby oil is GREAT for getting that dark color. We're hoping to get a tanning bed at home one day!"
Posted by: Shelley | June 30, 2009 at 08:49 AM
When my son was about 2 months old we discovered he had reflux so I went to Babies R Us to get a wedge for the crib. At the time he was very fussy and I couldn't really take him anywhere because he would scream if he wasn't either eating or sleeping in his swing. Well, he was a dream the whole car ride there and the minute we walked into the store he started to lose it. So I gave him a paci and went as fast as I could to find the wedge and get out of there. While I was looking at them trying to decide, a woman came over to me and started at us and then said, boy he's really going to town on that paci....as if he was starving. I just looked at her and said, he sure is! grabbed my stuff and checked out. I am sure it was new mommy stress and hormones, but I was upset about that for at least a week :-)
Posted by: Andrea | June 30, 2009 at 08:52 AM
The worse one I have observed (while pregnant)was done by my in-laws to my sister-in-law (their daughter in law, not their daughter). Sister-in-law's newborn baby was getting cranky, so all the in-laws piped up, one after the other. 'She's hungry', said father-in-law, 'She's got wind', said mother-in-law, 'She's too hot', said childless Great Aunt. 'No, she's tired' said my sister-in-law at which she picked up the baby, who promptly fell asleep. I couldn't resist chiming in 'Oh, look at that, mother knows best, she was tired after all' - pregnancy hormones induced wickedness in me that day!
I haven't had too many comments about what I must/must not do with the baby, but I was told a humdinger about what I must do with my HUSBAND. Husband and I were ferrying a Great Aunt to a family event. Husband took the wrong road, and I said 'no, we need the other road to X'. Great Aunt then stated, 'Well Sky, it's your fault that Husband took the wrong road, if you'd cooked him a proper breakfast it wouldn't have happened!'. And she was SERIOUS! I picked my jaw up off the floor and replied 'Well Aunty, I think at 38 he's old enough to get his own breakfast' and left it at that. Looking forward to reading all the comments on this one.
Posted by: Sky | June 30, 2009 at 08:56 AM
These are hillarious.
I live in a city of Canadians who consider it rude to make eye contact and cheeky to smile so haven't really received too much drive-by advice (mostly along the lines of "does he have mittens?"), so maybe that's where my next comment is coming from.
But I'm not sure that advice is always intended to raise the importance of the advice-giver. Or to wound the parent. I tend to look at it as a misguided attempt to connect, overall. Or perhaps even an evolutionary trait of the tribe's alloparents to offer their services.
I agree that there is NO REASON to take the advice or to feel bad about it, but I'm really not sure it needs to be taken as ill-intent (depends on the situation of course).
Posted by: Shandra | June 30, 2009 at 09:14 AM
I've had lots of unsolicited advice since my son was born, but the two most outrageous moments were when I was still pregnant with him.
The first was when I was waiting with several other pedestrians for the walk signal at a crosswalk. I was drinking a beverage from Starbucks. A woman said "you know, you really shouldn't be drinking coffee." to which I replied "it's decaf" thinking that would shut her up. But instead she continued to go on about how it's dehydrating etc etc. Just when I had the nerve to ask if she was board-certified obstetrician, the walk signal lit up, and she was gone.
The second comment was far funnier though. I was VERY pregnant looking, and wearing a shirt dress on the subway. A man told me I should be wearing pants "in case the baby fell out."
Posted by: citipeach | June 30, 2009 at 09:16 AM
I have a funny one and a helpful one. Both happened at my local grocery store, where I guess busybodies tend to congregate!
The helpful one was that a woman loading her car next to me looked into my car, saw that my car seat wasn't tethered properly, and (barely stopping to ask my permission) hopped in my car and fixed it for me. At first I thought she was a loon, but she got that thing in there rock-solid, and from that point I've been fanatical about proper installation. So I really appreciated that interference!
The funny one was when I was shopping with my daughter, who was maybe 10 months old, and an old woman came up and said, "Don't worry, she'll thin out when she starts running around. And so will you!" (Luckily I had lost a ton of weight from nursing, or I wouldn't have found it so funny!)
Posted by: Melissa | June 30, 2009 at 09:31 AM
I want to know how you order up a pregnancy where the baby falls out because the way I did it was a lot harder than that. Do you think that man can help me out?
My in-laws think that babies should drink water (in all weather but especially hot weather). Tiny, new babies even. Breastfed babies. And they let me know over and over and over again how they believe this. As a first-time mom on vacation with them during a heat wave, I almost lost it on them. But I'm older, wiser, and more assured of my parenting now with Numero Dos. So, on a recent hot day, our family including my 7-month old went to visit and I brought a sippy cup of water. The baby doesn't know how to drink from the sippy but he chews on the silicone spout because he's teething or it's fun, whatever. They just kept going on and on about how thirsty he must be since he drank all afternoon. When we went to leave, I noticed that about, ohhhh, perhaps a tablespoon of water was gone from the cup and the front of his romper was awfully wet. But, they were happy and not bothering me and I didn't have to hear it. And my husband and I laughed and laughed and laughed about that one all the way home.
Posted by: SarcastiCarrie | June 30, 2009 at 09:36 AM
I have a 4-yo and a 1-yo in NYC. Unsolicited advice is practically a daily occurrence ("Get that baby a hat!", "Doesn't he have gloves?", "He needs more sunscreen", "His neck is going to get a crick in it with him sleeping in that position", "Put a bib on him-- he's drooling."). The funniest, though, was the advice I got from my baby's two old-fashioned (and superstitious) caregivers when he was around 13 months old and still not walking..."You need to get that baby some hard-soled shoes! We see him wanting to take a step, but then he looks down at his bare feet and thinks 'I need some good hard shoes!'". Or this one, when they heard he was going to get his first hair cut, "You can't cut his hair yet! You can't cut his hair until he learns how to talk! I didn't cut my own son's hair until he was four! How could you??".
Posted by: Eva | June 30, 2009 at 09:38 AM
MrsHaley, you're not the only one. I read Moxie for a long time before I got pregnant, and was dreading all the unhelpful unsolicited advice during pregnancy and after - and got NONE of it. Seriously. Not a single comment. No one touched my belly. Nobody has said anything to me about my baby/toddler other than "oh he's so adorable."
I can't say I'm disappointed!
I do think it's regional - I live in northwest Indiana, and we simply don't get in each other's business here.
Posted by: Catherine | June 30, 2009 at 09:40 AM
While I have received much of the same "advice" that other commenters have, I wanted to add in a comment made to me instead because I just can't believe how someone could actually have said this to me.
I was past my due date with my first daughter and it was June and it was HOT and I was HUGE but I was out there walking with my husband in the 95 degree heat, trying EVERYTHING to bring on the labor. Well after an hour walk, we passed by a house with a woman outside. She asked when I was due and I said 2 days ago. Then she said "Well it must be a girl because they really suck the beauty out of you". I almost popped her one, but my husband dragged me away quickly.
Posted by: Cindy G | June 30, 2009 at 09:40 AM
My 14 week old son and I were shopping in walmart the other day, we were on the aisle that has bread on one side and the cold case on the other. My son likes to have a blankey to hang on to since he's found out he can grab hold of things now so he was happy, blankey draped across his tummy and clenched in his hands. This lady and her husband walked by, she complimented me on the baby and then said his feet must be cold etc. then walked off. I looked at my son and said in a loud baby talk voice "are your feet cold honey?" checked his feet which were quite warm and then said in the same voice "no they're not, cause momma's not an idiot and would cover you if they were! hehehe she saw me again later and had nothing more to offer.
Posted by: Kristi | June 30, 2009 at 09:50 AM
OMG, Cindy G, that's just horrifying!
I live in the SF Bay Area and have only ever once gotten a "that baby's cold" comment from a stranger. Not sure what to attribute that to.
Posted by: pennifer | June 30, 2009 at 09:51 AM
When my son was a baby, I borrowed a vibrating baby chair from a friend at work. I was bringing it home after visiting work with him. My son was I'm his car seat in the back, and I threw the bouncy chair in the passenger seat next to me on the drive home. I had to stop for some errand on the way, and took my son in the store with me in a sling. When I came back out to the car, there was a woman waiting for me at the car. She was appalled that I apparently planned to drive home with my infant son in an unsecured bouncy seat, forward facing, in the front seat. I guess her outrage and concern blinded her to the car seat in the back. My, she had some helpful words for me that day. I was incredulous!
Posted by: L | June 30, 2009 at 09:57 AM
Catherine - *I* live in NW Indiana, and you're right, we don't get in eachother's business. It's the Chicago aspect of it. Everyone's worried someone might pop them one. Or something. Actually, Moxie, it's lovely here. I recommend we do a meet up in NW IN when you're in Chicago for BlogHer.
Melissa - Am I supposed to say something when people are using their car seats incorrectly? I see the chest clip too low and the straps too loose on just about every newborn baby carrier car seat I see. I'm no certified car seat technician, but I know nipple/underarm height for the chest clip and one finger should fit under the straps.
Posted by: SarcastiCarrie | June 30, 2009 at 09:59 AM
When my daughter was about 4 months old, I was informed I should tape a bow to her head so people could tell she was a girl.
She was wearing a pink dress at the time.
Posted by: Brooke | June 30, 2009 at 09:59 AM
Catherine, same here - nothing other than remarks on my son's cuteness (well, or baldness when he was smaller, but he was very, very bald and the comments were never derogatory, just surprised at how bald he was!). But that's not surprising in Seattle - minding one's own business is almost an art form here.
I will admit, though, to engaging pregnant women in conversation (if they seem willing) and giving them the advice to come here! I'm thinking of having cards printed up...
Posted by: Ann | June 30, 2009 at 10:05 AM
This wasn't annoying but just proves how little some of the commenters and advice-givers know:
I was going through security at an airport with my 3 month old son. He was born at the 50th percentile but by 3 months was at the 99th percentile for weight. He just liked nursing! Anyway, a lady beside us asked how old he was and then commented (in a semi-concerned way) about how SMALL he was!
Posted by: Beth | June 30, 2009 at 10:09 AM
Since my daughter has always been on the skinny side, I've gotten lots of feeding advice. Which is second only to sleeping advice in my general listing of things I hate.
My personal favorite, though, is people who see a pregnant woman, ask her if she's planning to go back to work after the baby is born, and then tell her she'll change her mind when she says "yes". At least this time I can say "well, I didn't change my mind the first time around."
Posted by: Cloud | June 30, 2009 at 10:12 AM
The funniest 'advice' happened to my husband all the time when my daughter was tiny. He would carry her around in a Hoppediz sling (just a huge long strip of fabric), so she was facing his chest, and he would pull the fabric over the back of her head so that it was supported, and she would usually fall asleep. On multiple occasions he was accosted by one little old lady or another, absolutely panicked the the baby wasn't able to breathe because her head was covered! With a thin layer of cotton!
Posted by: TodayWendy | June 30, 2009 at 10:20 AM
When my oldest was 6 days old, my husband, her, and I were in a coffee shop. Daughter was in her car seat. She woke up and started fussing, which quickly escalated to screaming. The oh-so-helpful coffee clerk asked me if something was wrong. When I said no, she just woke up and she doesn't like her car seat, the woman told me *something* must be wrong because it is "not normal" for a baby to scream like that.
In an amazing show of diplomacy (for me, at least), I replied, "Excuse me, I'm her mother. I think I know what is normal." Shut her right up. Haven't been back to that coffee shop since and it's been 2.5 years!
Posted by: heather | June 30, 2009 at 10:27 AM
New Yorkers generally don't like talking to people...unless the person in question is carrying a newborn. Then all bets are off.
I was been scolded on the street for not putting my baby in a hat (he could get sunburned!), for PUTTING him in a hat (it's too HOT!), for taking him outside AT ALL (still puzzling over that one - didn't humans used to live outside pretty much all of the time?), for not making him wear socks/shoes in the stroller (in the middle of summer, before he was walking or crawling), for letting him take his mittens off, for carrying him in a sling (did you know that newborn babies peacefully sleeping in a fetal position in a sling are VERY UNCOMFORTABLE? I know this because five million nosy old women in the supermarket have told me so). Oy. It never ends.
These days I assume I simply can't hear the busybodies because my son is two and all my attention is devoted towards making sure he doesn't kill himself by running into oncoming traffic. Small blessings, right?
Posted by: JHA | June 30, 2009 at 10:34 AM
Just like TodayWendy, I also use a big scarf (like Hoppediz). I get SO many comments about my girl not being able to breathe! And also comments like 'She must be too cold' because I don't dress her up in winter like babies in prams. She is all against me so she get a lot of my heat, much easier this way!
But the funniest comment was when my husband was carrying her in the scarf, with her head just slightly getting out. There was a bunch of teenage girls, one of whom asked her friends 'Do you think that guy is pregnant?'. At least her friends and us had a good laugh about it!
Posted by: Gnondpom | June 30, 2009 at 10:35 AM
"I was been" - what the heck, brain? Where did that "been" come from?
Posted by: JHA | June 30, 2009 at 10:36 AM
Similar to Brooke's comment, when my daughter was about 9 months old, someone told me that I should pierce my daughter's ears so that "people would know that she's a girl". I replied, "I already know she's a girl, thanks." Around the same time, an elderly neighbor asked me if my daughter was a boy or a girl, and when I replied a girl, she told me that was "too bad." The first comment irritated me, but the second one made me want to walk over and kick her, 90 years old or not.
Posted by: Kate | June 30, 2009 at 10:40 AM
I don't get a lot of unsolicited advice from strangers, though you'd think every girl needed to be dressed in pink ruffles and lace from head to tow until she got boobs for all the "he's so cute" comments I get (she looks like a girl, I swear, and while I don't always dress her in girlie colors, I don't dress her in boy clothes. If they're blue or brown, they typically have bows or minor ruffles or whatever. Sheesh.)
The thing I get is from my mom who every.single.time. she picks her up comments "oh, dear, she's so warm. Is she sick?" And I have to remind her that no, she just is a warm person like her daddy. I used to check her temp regularly to confirm. But now I KNOW what she feels like when she has a fever. (She's 16 mos)
Posted by: Christiana | June 30, 2009 at 10:41 AM
When I was pregnant with our first, my husband got most of the idiotic comments. ("Get some sleep now, dude, you'll never sleep again!")
When the baby was two weeks old, we were at the post office, my husband carrying the baby in a Hotsling. He'd uncovered his head so the baby could see me. A woman came up to him and starting yelling at him about how sunny it is outside and he needed to cover that baby's head up! No amount of both of us pointing out to her that we were currently INDOORS made any difference whatsoever--she was bound and determined to MAKE us cover that baby's head.
A year later we were at an outdoor farmer's market with our son on my husband's back in the Ergo. A man came up behind us and said, "It's too hot for him, he needs a hat." I said, "EXCUSE me?" and he repeated himself. I wanted to believe that he thought he was being helpful but when he said it the second time he had the ugliest look on his face. I said, "I am his mother, thank you," and he said, "Well, THAT's obvious." I wasn't able to deliver my zinger about there being this new MIRACLE product on the market called SUNSCREEN because my husband turned around and offered to hit the guy, who made a swift exit. It's too bad because I also wanted to ask him how many one-year-olds he had successfully gotten to wear a hat for more than ten seconds.
When I am alone with the boy (who is now three) I get in trouble with security guards no matter where we go. Apparently allowing him to go more than ten feet away from me is BAD MOTHERING and I need to be put in my place. I am constantly told that he cannot do things that other people are doing at the same time as him. I think there must be a sign on my back or something.
Posted by: Annika | June 30, 2009 at 10:55 AM
Me, 1st-time mom with tiny infant, back when getting to the grocery store was a huge effort. My DS started to wail while we were checking out, and the cashier said, "He's hungry...why don't you give him a bottle?"
I looked at her and said, "Well, I breastfeed, so unless I whip my breasts out right here, he'll have to wait until we get to the car."
She quickly went back to ringing me up.
What's funny to me now, with my 2nd child, is how many comments I get from my son's teachers about whether I'm breastfeeding, how often, etc. Most of them are from other countries, so I wonder if it's a cultural thing? They all assure me that what I'm doing (nursing exclusively) is best for the baby. I'm bemused by this, because I don't really care what they think, but what if I weren't nursing?
Posted by: meggiemoo | June 30, 2009 at 10:57 AM
This is not an advice story, but it does fit under the category of rude comments about babies. I am white and my husband is Asian. Our son looks like a nice mix of the two of us. I took my son to the farmer's market in the baby bjorn when he was about 6 months old and the woman behind the tomato stand said, "Oh, he's so cute! Where's he from?" I spluttered, "From me!" She was pretty embarrassed.
Since then I have tried to remember that if a situation looks somehow ambiguous, I will survive if I don't have it clarified for me. I am very nosy, so this is hard to remember, but my own experience helps me restrain myself!
P.S. Also, I think I'm becoming paranoid, but the number of times I have heard people near us mentioning "Jon and Kate plus 8" (like at restaurants or the park) seems higher than could be explained just by the level of popular interest in those people. The ONLY thing we have in common with them is the white mom and the Asian dad, believe me.
Posted by: CG | June 30, 2009 at 11:01 AM
The most frequent comment-generator was when one of us would carry my son in the ERGO (on the back). He loved the thing and would invariable pass out and snooze away while we tromped around. People would tell us his head was uncomfortable "like that" and after the second time I told someone not to worry, I'd tied his head on EXTRA tight.
But unlike some of the previous posters, I mostly found the NYC "You lookin' at me?" glare of death to be remarkably effective at deflecting comments.
Posted by: cori | June 30, 2009 at 11:01 AM
I'm in the Boston-ish area (grew up here), and haven't gotten a lot of unsolicited advice *on the street*. It's all come from family. This is the one that kills me:
When Peanut was 2.5, we spent the week between Christmas and New Year's in Los Angeles with my brother and his family: SIL, niece (4), and nephew (almost 2). Peanut speaks very well, knows how to ask for what she needs, and was running around the house barefoot. It was maybe 50 degrees outside, and the floors were cool from overnight. Three times, either my brother or SIL told us to put socks and shoes on her, that the floors were colder than I thought they were (this, while I'm standing barefoot). Finally, I told my brother that she's fine, that she'll ask for socks if she wants them, and that she'll immediately take off socks that she doesn't want. The kicker? They dressed my niece in a turtleneck, dress, and thick tights for an outing to the zoo, while my SIL wore shorts and a tank top. I was baffled into silence!
Posted by: Kellie | June 30, 2009 at 11:01 AM
My daughter is two months old, and for as often as we go out in public, I really haven't received any advice from strangers. Just a lot of (as others have mentioned) "Oh, isn't he cute??" Um, people -- she may not be wearing bright pink and a superfluous hairbow (just one more thing to keep track of!), but she's got plenty of hair, and usually some very frilly cap sleeves. Geez.
The only unsolicited (and incorrect) advice I've received was from my husband's grandmother. My daughter, then 3 weeks old, had had a very busy day -- baptism at the morning church service, then a luncheon party to celebrate the event. Understandably, she was quite clingy and wanted to nurse every hour, at least. Grandma busts out with the old classics "Oh, she must not be getting enough milk" and "Maybe she needs a bottle." My first reaction was to be very hurt -- this woman thinks I'm a bad mother! -- but then I realized that not only am I the best mother for my child, I've also probably done more research about the subject than Grandma ever did. I stood my ground and said, "No, she's fine. Babies have growth spurts around this time, and she's also had a very hectic day."
However, if I have one. more. person ask me how she's sleeping/is she sleeping through the night, I'm going to lose it. She's a breastfed baby, people! What do you think?
Posted by: Jessie | June 30, 2009 at 11:11 AM
I'm sure the unsolicited advice happens everywhere, but the greater NYC area appears to be RIFE with advice givers. Prior to moving to Maine, when Q was 1 yo, unsolicited advice was a more than daily occurrence, since the move - it's only been a handful of times.
During Q's first year of life - especially related to her being outside (hot, cold, exposed to sun, not enough sun, too young, etc...) When she was about 2 mo, my husband and I were walking with her in a (covered) stroller. We saw a friend who had not yet met Q, and my husband lifted Q out of the stroller (with hat on, etc) for our friend to see her. She was out of that stroller for... maybe 2 minutes? A woman started screaming at him from across the street - "get her out of the sun! get her out of the sun!" and running toward us, as though the baby would burst into flames. My husband turned to me & said, "she's crazy," and I replied, "yes, welcome to my stay-at-home world."
We've been visiting the NYC area to see the grandmothers for 5 days now... again, I think I've received advice from family friends and strangers every day since our return. I just don't acknowledge it.
Posted by: momgawaga | June 30, 2009 at 11:19 AM
New Yorkers definitely have no problem telling mothers how to mother!
My favorite was when baby was 2 months old in her Beco carrier, and I was waiting at a bus stop. It was December, so I was wearing a winter coat, but it wasn't fully zipped around the carrier - the kid was dressed warmly and was PLENTY warm.
As the bus approached, a hooker (yes, my "friendly" neighborhood hooker)dressed in her hooking finery screamed from across the street for the bus driver to wait for her. She was wearing the oh-so-seasonally appropriate lacy body stocking, push up bra, hot pants and a tiny bolero jacket.
She had run across the street to tell me that my baby was probably freezing in the cold, and I should get on the bus to get her warmed up.
A half naked hooker other mothered me.
Posted by: Megan | June 30, 2009 at 11:26 AM
I had someone tell me the other day (ramdom lady passing on the street) "What a beautiful little baby. Please don't give her any needles."
Posted by: Jeannie | June 30, 2009 at 11:33 AM
Oh, if I had a nickel for every time I heard (while wearing a sling = every day), "Oooh, can she breathe in there?" Or comments about her neck or whatever (she'd fall asleep in the kangaroo carry). The nicest comments I got about babywearing were almost always people from other countries (Nepal! China!) where it is the norm.
Luckily, the sling allowed me to cover up my Irish looking babies so I was spared the hat/sunscreen comments.
I blogged about my most feral reaction to an unsolicited comment, from a woman on a plane (international flight after 7 hr airport delay, out of mind with fatigue, crying 2 year old who could not not be comforted with ANYTHING--cookies, juice, breasts, ANYTHING). She said, "Why don't you DO something? I HAVE NEVER HEARD SUCH SUFFERING! You are his mother!"
I screamed at her in a plane full of sleeping people. So did my husband. Fun times.
Posted by: Kate | June 30, 2009 at 11:34 AM
My friend T is so good at thinking on her feet! When a middle-aged woman came up to her at the store when she was hugely pregnant and started in with the whole "breast is best" annoying, totally unsolicited lecture, T stopped the lady in mid-sentence and said, "Wait right there - that shirt is so unflattering on you! I don't think you're wearing the correct size bra, actually. And your hair could be so much cuter and younger looking if you colored it. I think there is an attractive woman under there somewhere. You really should focus a little more on improving yourself and a little less on total strangers in the middle of effing Target." The woman literally ran away from her. Now, in my view, T was rude, but I think we get a pass during pregnancy and the lady probably had it coming... though that's not my style.
As for me, I confess that I have pretended not to understand English in order to avoid talking to strangers...
Posted by: hush | June 30, 2009 at 11:37 AM
I have personally escaped most of the nosiness that seems to be rampant, but I had to pass on what happened to my mom - I look just like her, dark straight hair, slightly tanner, and my sister looks more like my dad's side of the family and was very much a tow-headed baby. People would come up to her and go "Oh, different fathers, huh?" Not the case at all, folks - didn't you learn that in the genetics class you apparently took that qualifies you to make such commentary? Fortunately my mom is a dignified woman. I'm hoping that she passed that on to me for when someone makes the inevitable comment...
Posted by: CaliBoo | June 30, 2009 at 11:55 AM
I also live in NY, capital city of snoop, especially down on the lower east side. One woman said to me as I carried my 9 month old (who at the time had full head control) in the ergo that she "didn't like the way his head was bobbing" I assured her it was fine and then she chided me again saying "I'm just speaking as a mother" and I thought what the &^*% do you think I am lady! I've been told to take a hat off him, put a hat on him, put plastic on the stroller in a light breeze, gloves on (my usual retort to this is "Yes I'll go home and staple a pair to his hands) If these people spent half the time they do sticking their noses in where they aren't needed, actually opening a door for me, or helping me down the stairs of the subway, then perhaps everyone would feel we're all doing our best for children.
I think in the case of the grandparents and great aunts and uncles, all the chiding is a kind of envy for the way we look after our babies babies these days. Breastfeeding on demand is a far lovelier way of being with the baby than every four hours and enduring all that crying, which is what my mother in law advised, I think it kind of cut her up to see us both enjoy breastfeeding so much, also co sleeping, which she confessed she wished she had done though didn't stop her calling me and telling off when she found out I was doing it. She would also talk to my son, telling me I was wrong via him eg "Mummy thinks you're hungry again. You're not hungry are you, you have a little gas!"
I have no graceful replies, just seething resentment that usually comes out all the wrong way!
I LOVE Moxie's answer "How kind of you to take an interest" Genius. I am using that from now on!
Posted by: lucee | June 30, 2009 at 11:56 AM
I was also told to shave my infant (blonde peach fuzzy) daughter's head so her hair would grow in thick.
Posted by: Jeannie | June 30, 2009 at 12:05 PM
Oops, almost forgot the worst comment from my MIL:
She was mortified that we weren't going to circumcise our son, and when I was on the phone with her the *day* after he was born, updating her on his pediatrician's visit, she asked me whether we'd changed our mind about circumcising. When I said no, she said, "He'll hate you for that someday." I snapped back, "No, I think he'll thank me for it someday!"
Who the hell says that to a brand new mama???
Posted by: meggiemoo | June 30, 2009 at 12:17 PM
My daughter has a small hemangioma (birthmark) on the tip of her nose. I cannot count the number of random people who exclaimed in horror (talking directly to the baby, not me) "Oh, my! Did you fall down and bump you nose?" It happened so frequently that I had lost my patience and started answering, with a sweet smile, "No, I punched her." Now I'm fully aware violence towards children is no joking matter but I tell you, it made me feel better.
The only time I was really tempted to punch someone is when an older woman asked what happened to my daughter's face, and when I told her it was a birthmark, she said "Pity, well, you can get that taken care of." Right in front of my daughter who fully understood, at age three, and asked "why that lady said that about her birthmark" which she happens to be quite proud of. I just gave the tactless old bat a dirty look and walked away for fear of what would come out of my mouth if I let it open.
Posted by: rkmama | June 30, 2009 at 12:17 PM