Ahhh! Too much going on behind the scenes here, so I sequenced these posts out of order. Scroll down to see the cool free Math Growth Chart, unless it appears above this post...
Andi writes:
"I'm feeling kind of hopeless right now. My 7-year-old essentially hates me. It's been this way ever since he was a baby. I tend to get very stressed out, and when I'm stressed, I'm vocal about it. Not in a mean way, and not directed at him, but I do talk about what's bothing me and vent and occasionally yell. My husband barely communicates, so when things are bothering him he keeps it all inside. That ends up stressing me out more, and I vent that verbally.
Basically, I'm the safety valve for all the stress in the family. And my son has always been very sensitive, and I think it scares him. He doesn't like to deal with emotions any more than his dad does. So, essentially, he doesn't want to be around me. He cries more with me than with anyone else. I have no idea what to do, and feel like I'm failing at the only thing I've ever known for sure I wanted to do."
Oh, no. This just makes my heart break for you.
And I have no easy (or even hard) words of advice, except that I think the three of you need to see a family therapist together. (You don't mention if you have other kids, but if you do, they should go along, too.)
This is something you need help with from someone who's trained in helping families and can observe and identify the way you interact with each other.
The one thing I do want to say is that your husband is going to need to take some responsibility and start to communicte more. For one thing, he needs to be a role model for your son. But also, his bottling things up contributes to the tension that you think is separating you from your son.
So it's something that needs to be addressed as a family problem, not just something between you and your son.
I am positive that your son doesn't hate you. He may be afraid of you and your emotions. But a good therapist will be able to help you figure out how to get into better patterns of communication so you can heal things.
Have any of you been through anything similar? How did you deal with it?
Just a thought, in that not so long ago there was a post about the impossibilities of being seven and how it was a very challenging age for both parents and children. I think maybe Hedra also wrote a post about that on her blog if she wants to link it? It just made me sad that you think your kid has hated you since he was a baby...i'm sure that's not it at all. I think you have hit the nail on the head more when you say how your feeling stressed makes him very stressed. This might show how linked in he is to you rather than how distant he is from you. I don't know, just a musing. I know the more upset I am feeling the more my little one starts acting up. And a lot of mums (or primary caregivers might be a better word for it) have noted that their child will cry more with them than anyone else. Moxie and others have suggested time and again that is because they feel like they can express their emotions more with you. Other than that just lots of sympathy for you because you seem to be feeling alone and unheard. The therapy sounds like a good idea, but you have to be gentle with yourself too, and not be so hard on yourself and blame yourself for the entire dynamics of a family. Hope I am not overstepping by saying any of that. My heart just went out to you and I had to post. best wishes.
Posted by: zimbabweanjen | June 08, 2009 at 09:59 AM
This sounds very frustrating. It's especially hard when folks don't communicate, since your mind can fill in all those blanks with worrisome ideas.
But I wonder whether it's possible to hear from Andi what she's tried so far? Has she been able to limit her emotional expression, or found that helpful at all? I wonder whether there's any benefit to trying to meet her son halfway.
Lots of sympathy - and I agree with jen that your son may be more in tune with you than you realize.
Posted by: Fiona | June 08, 2009 at 10:28 AM
My mom has always said that kids give the most grief to the parent they feel the safest with. Could this be the case at your house? His behavior doesn't sound fun and I agree it should be dealt with in counseling, but perhaps the silver lining is that he *is* trying to show you his emotions, and it's because he trusts that you'll love him no matter how he behaves.
Posted by: Janel | June 08, 2009 at 10:36 AM
Well here's what struck me; it might be a bit off the wall. But here it is.
With your husband, he doesn't communicate emotion. And it kind of sounds like you feel bad or guilty for communicating yours. So it sounds to me like there is a lot of discomfort with the communication of emotion.
And then your son cries or seems stressed/emotional, and you read that as he hates you/hates being around you.
Is it possible that you are reading his natural emotions in a negative way? I'm not there so obviously I cannot say. But I can say that his crying does not mean he hates you. He may feel safe with you. It may be that you are interpreting that wrongly.
I do have advice. (And I agree with Moxie's about therapy.)
It is to go out with your son and do something he likes to do that you don't hate doing – go play some catch, have a hike, build a sandcastle, have a meal out or an ice cream cone.
Do not worry that he hates you or that you have yelled too much too often or whatever. Don't talk about your emotions, but also don't NOT talk about your emotions. Just be with him. Do that 3 times a week for short (45 min) periods. Listen to him.
I am pretty ready to guarantee that what is going on in his head is NOT that he hates you or that he is fundamentally scared of you. My mother abused me and I never hated her and although I was scared of her too, I mostly just loved her. What was crushing was that she never knew me and made no effort to know me beyond her own needs of the moment.
So try just getting to know and enjoy your son, because that is what kids want and need. You obviously love him tons! Seriously. That you are asking the question is so huge.
I think you need to suspend your beliefs about what is going on with him, and behave as if he adores you, his beloved mother, and go from there.
I am really rooting for you!
Posted by: Shandra | June 08, 2009 at 10:52 AM
Oh, Andi. I feel like there are some key nuances to your situation that we're missing here, and in reading just the short snippet about you without even knowing you I feel like I have to do some major reading between the lines, and so this may be totally off base. I apologize in advance for making some potentially incorrect assumptions. You have my sympathy - because no mama should have to feel hopeless and hated by her own child.
Please get yourself a good therapist. I think you should start by doing the therapy by yourself because I think there are some unresolved issues from your past that are making you feel very hopeless, hated, and as though your anger serves a safety valve function. I think you & your feelings deserve individual love & attention first to Andi as a person, outside of your role as wife and mother. Explore the therapy journey by yourself for little awhile, and then consider taking everyone to a family therapist. I recommend this because I wonder if your DH and son (who don't seem to be as outwardly emotionally expressive as you) might experience your request for everyone to do therapy right away as threatening, because from their perspective, right or wrong, you may seem to be the one with the most pressing need for some guidance. I hope you'll chime in here and give us a little more color as to your situation. Good luck to you.
Posted by: hush | June 08, 2009 at 10:57 AM
just wanted to lend you a shoulder of empathy- i too am the one who shares my feelings all day long- and we have always said that we know *exactly* how the pnut feels about all things at all times- she too wears her emotions on her sleeve (the bean seems to be the same way as well) which can be both good and not good.
i don't believe that your son hates you, but is just struggling with tons of his own emotions that he can't yet fully understand or communicate- i'm wondering if art therapy could be of use for him? sometimes kids who have a difficult time explaining feelings can use different types of media to create something and then explain *it*.
best to you, andi, and please be gentle on yourself. you are a wonderful mom for recognizing the issue and working to improve it.
Posted by: pnuts mama | June 08, 2009 at 10:58 AM
I agree with Janel that sometimes kids cry/act out more for the parent they feel safer showing emotions to. So maybe your son is acting out for you because he doesn't feel safe doing that with your bottled up husband, and he needs to get it out somewhere.
The therapy suggestions are good, but I know that for some people, therapy is a HUGE step. If you need to take smaller steps towards that, you could try reading some books. Two that come to my mind are Raising Your Sensitive Child, by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka and Playful Parenting, by Lawrence Cohen. If your son really is very sensitive, you might find some ideas in the first one for how to understand and handle that. I also found that it gave me some new insight into myself and my husband. It has been awhile since I've read Playful Parenting, but I do remember that he talks a lot about how to help kids use play to work through things that might be bothering them. So if you son is bothered by your outbursts, maybe you can come up with some sort of play activity that will help him "play it out". You might also get some ideas for how to give your son more ways to work through his emotions.
Posted by: Cloud | June 08, 2009 at 11:53 AM
Seven is HARD. Seven comes out at you. Seven makes parents who divorced think their child is damaged/injured/wounded because of the divorce. Seven makes parents doubt everything they've done. Eight is much better. Seven is a train wreck of emotions coming out everywhere.
My post about Seven: http://hedra.typepad.com/hands_full_of_rocks/2008/08/seven-is-not-my.html
But there's another one that may be more useful still: http://hedra.typepad.com/hands_full_of_rocks/2009/04/typing-my-kids.html
Your personality functions one way, your DH's another way, your child's a third. These may all be perfectly FINE ways to function, but the intersection of them may be painful. Learning how to not just accept but WORK with each way of being is essential for figuring out how to make this work. A therapist will be a good method for that, and will help with any blocks, family history, trauma, even bad habits. But just plain understanding how people function differently, and how to manage that is core to the process, IMHO.
I have one child who will collapse if there is loud voice nearby (Miss M) - and yet we still end up yelling sometimes - even yelling up the stairs for the boys to knock off the wrestling because it doesn't sound safe will make her collapse if she's nearby. We manage that reaction separately, and help her learn how to function separately - how to communicate how she feels effectively, how to protect her own boundaries, and so forth (because she'll need those skills later, even if we never ever yelled again).
It's like creating a skill set for life based on each person's function. If your DH has an Introverted Feeling function, he will struggle to express emotion. It is just plain HARD for that type to do it. Knowing how to say 'I'm feeling stuff but I don't know what to say or do about it right now, but I'm not ignoring it' (or whatever terms and phrases fit your need to be able to see into the feelings of your partner) might even be all he needs to learn. Likely there's more, but some of the basic flags for 'yes, there's stuff going on, no I can't talk about it yet' help keep me from floundering with ep - who also doesn't know what he's feeling until he's felt it for a good while. And understanding WHY he feels it is an even longer task.
There's a book called Mother Styles that delves into the personality type and motherhood, so you can start to see and accept the type you are, and find the strengths, AND learn how to deal with the weaknesses of how you approach life.
I do feel for you on the 'my child hates me' thing - but really, hate seems a strong word for it. He is uncomfortable with the strength of your feelings as expressed. And likely, being who he is, he can only interpret your reaction in terms of his own. For him, to get to the point where he reacts overtly in the same manner, he would have to be in a life-or-death crisis, no? So he sees your reaction and interprets accordingly. EVERYTHING is a life-or-death scenario, then. It escalates the way things read, what is a crisis, what is not becomes harder for him to manage. Between you and your DH, likely he thinks everything is black-and-white - at the same time, the same situation reads as 'no problem at all' and 'the world just exploded'. Confusing for someone at that age.
However, the same child who at 7 was something of an emotional train wreck (cough-Mr-G-cough) is at 11 willing to just look at me with a raised eyebrow and a snort on the very same topics as used to cycle him to tears.
Oh, I also recommend the following books (all on my booklist, but you can also click through from the button here on the top left and search Amazon):
Parent Effectiveness Training (teaches the negotiation skills for intersecting multiple individuals in a family effectively)
Respectful Parents, Respectful Kids (teaches emotional coaching skills, non-violent communication, and how to safely vent deep feelings without loading onto others, from the preschool age and up)
Any of the Non-Violent Communication books will do the same. They're really useful as a mechanism/technique for dealing with this kind of thing. I use the methods at work to help with difficult client situations, and with my kids as well.
Good luck! The other book recommendations above are also great options. I'm just tacking on. Hang in there! Eight is much better. Really.
Posted by: hedra | June 08, 2009 at 12:17 PM
Oh, and one more post link, for how the NVC stuff works in real-time, which may give you a sense of what I'm talking about (though Mr G was older than 7 when I did this one, the method is what I'm talking about): http://hedra.typepad.com/hands_full_of_rocks/2008/07/draining-the-qu.html
Posted by: hedra | June 08, 2009 at 12:20 PM
My dad had an extremely stressful job and could not leave all that stress behind when he came home. He could be volital, yell and slam things around. My mom used to bottle things up inside and not express her feelings (she has since learned how to be more expressive, but she still keeps a lot inside). And I, youngest of three, was (and still is) a very sensitive, emotional child.
I did go through periods where I would be very mad at my dad for his temper and the disruption he would cause to the house. But you know what? I always loved him and have always thought highly of him in general. My anger towards his temper and my sensitivity towards his moods did not mean I didn't love him. In fact, I learned a lot from him on how to be vocal about how I feel and that my temper can have outlets, although I also learned how I don't want to behave from him.
Key things he did that helped, which you might also be able to incorporate:
1. He never ever hit us. The fact that we could count on the fact that even in his anger, with yelling and slamming around, he would not hit us meant that we learned that we didn't have to fear for ourselves when he was having a temper tantrum. I suggest you ensure that your child knows that even when you are super upset and yelling, you would not harm him. Make sure he understands that!
2. Like Shandra advised, he made time for us. We did one-on-one activities with him that were special for each child. Where as my mom was home and spent a lot of time with us, he was at work and you never knew what mood he would be in when he came home. But I always knew that if it was Saturday morning, he would take me to gymnastics and we'd have lunch afterwards.
3. I learned over the years that his moods really came from work, and a lot of the time when he blew up over seemingly nothing, it was due to stuff at work. As an adult, when my husband and I moved in with my parents for a couple months until we got jobs and an apartment in the area, my dad sat down my husband and had a talk with him. He explained that he knew he could get into moods where he would snap at someone or blow up over nothing, but that it really wasn't that person's fault. That it came from what he was dealing with at work. He did this to warn my husband and also make sure my husband knew that if he did that to him, it wasn't my husband's fault. (He also sat down with my brother's wife and said the same thing when they lived with them for a couple months while their house was being built.) I wish he had told us that as children, because it took many many years for us to figure that out on our own.
Also, I wanted to say that I think that the fact that you and your husband have different personalities, parenting styles and ways to deal with issues is probably a good thing. I believe hedra has talked about studies that show that children with parents who have different styles learn from both and seem to be able to handle more? (Did I butcher that?) I learned a lot from both of my parent's styles and think that my siblings and I are pretty well balanced because of those differing influences. Perhaps you could try talking about your differences with your husband so you guys can come up with how to handle your different styles in front of your child. I've learned that I simply need to tell my husband what's going on with me ("I'm too angry to talk about this now!" or "I'm really stressed and need to yell!") and he is less stressed about how I vent, which I think is better than my venting/yelling and his getting tense in front of our kid.
Lastly, therapy is really really a great thing. For you and for the family. Good luck!
Posted by: caramama | June 08, 2009 at 01:41 PM
@caramama, the research found that as long as both parents had a warm relationship with the child overall, two very different styles of parenting (one very responsive/in-there/immediate, the other more stand-offish/you-can-handle-this-yourself/shake-it-off) produced kids who had more emotional resilience - they trusted both that they COULD handle things themselves (because someone essentially told them they were trusted to do so by NOT getting in there on every situation), and that they had someone backing them up (because someone did get in there on everything). Evidently the child learns both sets of skills under those conditions.
Now, they did start from the assumption that there was a warm and respectful relationship under there, too. But by contrast, two parents who parented the same way (either distant or really supportive and in-there with them) produced kids who were emotionally much more fragile than the two-models version.
Apparently we've evolved to thrive under conditions where our caregivers are not carbon copies of each other (go figure, huh? LOL!). Two different styles, approaches, sets of skills, interests, areas of engagement, all that - it means there is more ground covered, when there are two *different* parents, more things taught, and more opportunity for a child to see that there is more than one way to handle something. That gives them the permission to find the way that works better for them. And since there was some research a while back that said that young children and infants have a baseline of as many as six close bond relationships (one or two primary, but up to six pretty-darn-close-to-that), imagine how much range of experience that gives - teachers, grandparents, aunts/uncles, siblings, cousins... Many strong relationships, even when each has issues where they don't always meet our needs all the time, that's probably ideal.
And I agree also about being honest about what's going on. Some people process emotions outside their bodies, essentially. I don't even know what I'm thinking (or feeling) much of the time until I see it written down (like, I type but I don't know what's coming out until I read it on the screen) or hear it coming back in my ears (seriously, I do not know what I am going to say until it is already said). My kids know this. My eldest rolls his eyes at me and says 'can you extroverts go somewhere else, please?' or 'man, stuck with a mom who is an extrovert... and I'm NOT one. Ahem.' He gets that I'm not like him, and that they're both okay, but one will annoy the other no end on some things. Being open and honest about the fact that I do work differently, and while different is different it isn't bad or wrong, that seems to set him up to function best. It also helps a lot with his relationship with his brother, who is a raging extrovert, and wants to be with his brother constantly. Just knowing that it isn't personal, that the constant need to spend time together (that drives Mr G nuts) isn't intended to make him crazy, it just HAPPENS to make him crazy... well, when he's reminded of that, he tends to be more kind and considerate about how he responds. And Mr B is likewise more considerate of Mr G's need to be ALONE. NOW. when he's reminded that it isn't a rejection, it is just that Mr G fills up on time together faster, and needs a break. It takes it out of the personal hurt-feelings realm, and puts it into something you can look at with a little distance.
Granted, at 7, distance is hard to find. At eight, much better. :)
Posted by: hedra | June 08, 2009 at 04:09 PM
@hedra - Thanks for clarifying that study. I knew it was something about different parenting, but couldn't quite recall in what areas. I should, considering it's so exactly true of my husband's and my different styles. But I have the memory of a goldfish these days!
Posted by: caramama | June 08, 2009 at 04:18 PM
Sorry if this is a double post - re-written at that.
I don't think the OP really thinks he *hates* her. Just that she feels he doesn't want to be around her or is unhappy by being around her.
My thought if he's empathetic at all - he's probably picking up on her high level of stress and it's stressing him out. And just because she feels better after venting to get it all out doesn't give him the same release or comfort.
Perhaps work on lowering the very high stress levels or at least finding a way to regulate it some before it gets to the steam blowing/yelling phase?
Posted by: mom2boys | June 08, 2009 at 06:56 PM
I have been thinking about this post throughout the day. I also tend to vent stress and emotion. My low-key Hubby sometimes struggles with how to respond, and I know my 2 year old daughter doesn't like to see Mommy upset. She'll say "Mommy sad?" or "Mommy be happy" when I'm venting, and it completely stops me in my tracks.
I also grew up with one parent who vents (my Dad) and one who blows very rarely (my Mom). I can't remember a lot about what I thought about this as a kid, but the only time I remember being actually afraid it was due to one of my Mom's rare blow ups. She came and found me after she calmed down, and I don't think there was any long term harm done! However, I think that is a risk of bottling things in. The rarity makes the explosion so much more scary. I don't want to do that to Pumpkin. I also remember being annoyed by my Dad's outbursts. I love my Dad dearly, but I confess that he serves a bit as a negative role model for handling stress- I don't want to be like that, either!
I want to model healthy stress release and handling of emotions to Pumpkin, so it is something I work on. I'm not sure if Andi wants to work on venting less or just find a way to have it not bother her son. Andi, if you want to vent less, here are some things that have helped me reduce my outbursts:
1. Developing a non-scary (sort of funny, really) way to blow off steam, and using this early, before the stress gets so big that it won't work. I picked up my method from Hubby (who picked it up from a colleague). I say "naaaah!" when something is stressing me. I don't say it loud- usually at regular volume works. It is surprisingly effective.
2. Talking to Hubby (after Pumpkin is in bed) about stressors, and how he can help me deal with them. Sometimes, all I need to do is talk about it. He has finally learned how to just listen to my venting. We incorporated this into our weekly not-really-a-date night. On Fridays, we try to sit around and catch up. When I wasn't pregnant, we both had a beer. Now that I'm pregnant again, I substitute ice cream. We came up with this idea because we realized that pre-Pumpkin, a lot of our budding issues got resolved over beers at our local pub on a Friday night. Our relationship was suffering without that time. Once we added it back in, my stress levels went down noticeably.
3. Yoga. I know this isn't for everyone, but a weekly low key yoga class keeps me so much more sane. I don't think it has to be yoga or anything in particular. I think the key is that I have a weekly time that is just for me, and where I focus on relaxation.
Good luck, Andi. I'm sure you can find a way to handle your stress without freaking out your kid.
Also, Caramama's observations above sound right on to me. I think kids can learn to handle a lot of things, as long as their parents help them find the right context.
Posted by: Cloud | June 08, 2009 at 07:35 PM
@Cloud, the scariness of the rare blowup is actually backed up by research as well. Much more alarming and often taken more to heart when it is the unusual case.
I like your ideas - I try to do silly releasers if I notice I'm ramping up over something. Shaking my head with my tongue hanging out and saying Luuuuuuh works, too. ;)
And oh, yeah, date night. We also have lunchtime calls (used to be daily, right now not working with the schedules - have to fix that). We even had a script for a while of what needed to be covered in a lunchtime call - like appreciation/gratitude, and problem-solving heads-ups. A regular schedule of talking out that stuff keeps either of us from cycling up in the evenings or weekends. Which, uh, would be useful about now. Stupid job (the one I love, that is). Sigh. But we're working on figuring out new ways of handling the same process.
Communicating is a big big part of it. If we don't keep the communication flowing REALLY strongly, we start venting more, and that cycles to the kids and they react more, and then we stress out more and vent more and... down the entire family goes in the vortex.
Though I still say it's worse when the child is seven. ;)
Posted by: hedra | June 08, 2009 at 09:23 PM
@Hedra- I'm filing away your warning about 7, so that when Pumpkin turns 7 and goes bonkers, at least I'll have been warned!
Posted by: Cloud | June 08, 2009 at 10:18 PM
Andi--
I understand completely how you feel. My oldest coslept with us from infancy (unintentionally at first), and I loved seeing him and my husband, fast asleep next to each other, in *exactly* the same position. Total mind meld. I have always joked it was because I was too physically exhausted to hold him after labor and had my husband take him for that critical bonding gaze period. Be that as it may, it has never let up for a second. My son fantasizes all the time about other mommies but always the same daddy, begs for me to go to work so Daddy can stay home, etc.
So I echo the advice but wanted to let you know that the dynamic is the same in my house too. And it breaks my heart every single day, and I feel your pain.
Posted by: Anonymous | June 08, 2009 at 10:22 PM
@anon, all my kids sleep in the same position as ep. Our eldest would sleep not only in the same position, but for the same periods of time - like, ep would roll over and change position, and Mr G would roll over 10 seconds later into the same parallel position.
Miss R still would take Daddy over me in a hot second. Mr G would be split on it, depending on the day (he's 11, and it took 2 1/2 years for him to focus on Daddy bond). Mr B wants us both at the same time thankyouverymuch, just one isn't good enough. Unless it's Mr G, in which case both parents can go suck eggs - he'll take his brother over us in a hot second, too. And Miss M likes us all fine, but really, she hasn't picked someone she REALLY likes best. We're all kind of 'eh' most of the time. Nice, but ...
Notice in there that there was just one 2.5 year period where I was favorite for ANY of my kids. And that was just for one of them. And it took that same span for ep to get any of the focal love (and he was a SAHD, at that). Mr B called me 'That' for almost a year. Um, yeah.
But. Love isn't the same as preference. It is way more complex than that. And it gains flavor and color and depth and complexity as they get older. We don't get to choose how it shapes, we only get to choose to stay in the field and hope that we're incorporated into the whole picture of what it means to be family, and loved, and important. And that's hard. I had a work friend who didn't get the bond until her kids were freakin TEENAGERS. She told me that it was important to stay in there, and not step back due to the bond being so powerful with the other parent. She did step back, and it took a lot of work to make things right at that long remove. But she still managed it (easier with one child than the other - the one who took it as a personal offense that she'd stepped back from trying had a lot more forgiving to do before he could get there). Never give up. Even though it hurts to stay in the field and get no sun.
Having seen the relationship effort and outcomes of that work friend, and the ever-changing relationship bonds my family members have with their growing kids, I'm more confident that it will work out okay, and I'm easy with it. And my mom has said over and over that it isn't the relationship you have with your child when they're kids that is the payoff, it is the relationship you have with them as adults. Not all of her kids have an easy relationship with her, either - but it is still worth it for her. I keep my eye on that goal, and try to let the rest flow. Easier said than done some days, though!
Posted by: hedra | June 09, 2009 at 02:15 AM
Like @Cloud, this post has also been on my mind. Did Andi literally mean it when she said she thinks her son hates her and she feels hopeless? Only Andi knows. Absent more information, I felt it was best to construe her statements literally, and honor her honest feelings instead of trying to convince her that those feelings must necessarily be inaccurate based on others' common experiences. I have to admit I am worried about her - whenever I hear someone use the word "hopeless" it triggers concern in me, and I start to wonder about depression.
I'm still hoping Andi might chime in?? I'll keep checking back here over the next few days in the hope she does.
Posted by: hush | June 09, 2009 at 10:34 AM
@hush, good point. I've kept coming back to this one as well, in part because the hopelessness thing. FEELING like your child hates you, and has always hated you, because of who you are... it doesn't matter if the child actually hates you (which I think is usually too much for any child to do), it matters if it feels that way. I was aiming to provide perspective, so that what feels like hate could be reinterpreted (like what feels like guilt can be, instead, regret). It's hard to move there if you're in the thick of it, though.
I'm also hoping Andi might chime in. I'm also resonating in the back of my head to the fact that I (extrovert feeler) tend to express more overtly when I'm depressed.
Posted by: hedra | June 09, 2009 at 10:59 AM
I do hope that you end up with some IRL advice from someone who has more than two paragraphs about your situation.
I know that 7 is a tough age (to live and to parent) and that in the current world climate (wars, economic crap, layoffs, mortgage crises), things feel heavy, like we're all going through a rough patch. I think the two together can make things feel extra-big (but you know your situation best, everyone here speaks through their own lens).
I read, "It's Not Fair, Jeremy Spencer's Parents Let Him Stay Up All Night: A guide to the tougher parts of parenting" by Anthony Wolf when the Monkey was 5 or 6. (He's 15 now, so it's been a while.) Since La is hitting 6 1/2, I should probably take a look at it again.
I hope things get easier for you. Oh, and one of the other reassuring things I've read fairly recently was an article about parents who keep trying. I would tend to credit Hedra with the link, and I'm not sure if I saw it here or on her site (and I can't find it right now). But, the take-away I got from it was to keep trying.
Posted by: Cathy | June 09, 2009 at 11:12 AM
I certainly didn't mean to minimize her feelings - she used the qualifier essentially twice. I'm thinking/hoping it was there to put some distance between his actual feelings and how bad it feels to her. And as to hopeless - here again I'm trying to look at it like she was at the bottom when she wrote the plea for help but that isn't where she necessarily is all the time. It sounds to me like she's the odd one out in the threesome and that's a lonely, frustrating place to be. I've been there as the introvert living with my extroverted family. I more than once wanted to shrink away and disappear. On the flip side, that might feel like active dislike for the people on the receiving end of my need for space. I don't know but it does sound like from the limited information she gave that she feels like she doesn't relate well to either her busband or son and I think everyone gave really good advice on that front. I just wanted to comment on the "I tend to get very stressed out" part because that's not going to help even the easiest of relationships.
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