Loss

There seems to be so much loss in the world today. Neda, and the DC Metro accident, and the aftermath of the Mexican daycare fire. It seems like there's an unusually high number of personal tragedies happening now, too. And people fighting to keep their jobs, and to make good decisions for their lives.

Instead of posting about pacifiers, I thought maybe we could all just use a place to post whatever we're thinking. Something we're grateful for, or happy about, or scared of, or sad about. Don't worry about being too happy or too sad. What you've got is what you've got, and whatever you put will help someone.

Comments

[Cobblestone]

I'm happy that my entire family is safe and that my son is going to keep his finger tip after making a vallient attempt to cut if off {10 month old + folding chair = 7 stitches}.

I'm worried that there are parts of me that I love that are gone forever because I cannot figure out how to make room for them.

I'm worried that egos and dollars will keep healthcare from ever getting sorted out at a national level.

[michaela]

I am beyond thrilled to be back at work (if by "at work" you mean "at a coffee shop w/ my laptop") after 4 days on soggy Cape Cod w/ my three-year-old. And I am FULL of angst about extended-family interactions involving a close relative's recent stint in rehab and the repercussions therefrom. 90 min of kick-ass yoga last night helped tremendously, but I feel like there's a channel in my brain that is continually tuned to the family saga and it is totally wearing me down.

[Ellen]

I'm stressed about Kindergarten for my four year old this fall. She turns five the day after school starts. She's reading and ready. But I'm not.

I'm happy that an academic schedule means my spouse will have the month of July off.

[Raia]

I'm happy that my husband wasn't on that train, since he takes it every day. I'm sad that other people's family members were on the train.

[Kate]

We are moving internationally. The movers are coming in 2 weeks. I am not packed enough. I am not emotionally ready to say goodbye to my friends here. I am scared about what lies ahead, particularly where my daughter's education is concerned. This past year she was in a loving hothouse. It will not be that way next year--class could be twice the size and she will be fumbling her way through a new language. I have to make 4,000 decisions in the next day or so, related to the move, all of which will cost us a lot of money. My 3 yo gave up sleeping. I am cranky and petrified and overwhelmed. This is affecting every aspect of my life, from sleep to eating to sex to housekeeping. I should have been better prepared for this to happen, but I guess I wasn't.

BUT: I live with three people who will hug me whenever I want. That is pretty damn awesome.

We do have enough money to make this move and be comfortable. We'll be ok.

I took the time yesterday to write really heartfelt notes to my daughter's teachers. I wish that every 4 year old could have the opportunity to be cared for by people like them. We were so lucky.

Camp next week! For both kids! Hooray!

[Joceline]

@Kate-I really hope your move goes well. I moved to France (it ended up being temporary) in high school, and it was really scary, but it was okay. The language was hard, but I had lots of people trying to help, and I bet your kids will too!

My concerns seem so minor compared to what is going on in a the world. Still, we're moving (just one state over) in less than two months and our house NEEDS to sell. We believe that we're doing the right thing, the thing God wants for our lives, by moving. We need to trust Him for a plan for our housing (sell our house here, find a reasonable apartment in Los Angeles). Yikes.

[Peasy's mom]

I am missing my dad, right now, who died last July 7. Last year I bought him two Father's Day cards because I couldn't pick just one. This year, I broke down sobbing in the card aisle and could not buy a card for my husband. (He understood.) Especially as I adapt to being the sensitive mom of a sensitive 2-year-old daughter, I miss my sensitive dad who would have loved her tender heart a little extra and appreciated how hard it can be to parent accordingly.

I'm happy for a calm, patient husband, a job and a home I love, and a great daycare.

[Misc Jenn]

I just found out that my bf is okay (he lives in DC and takes that train a lot). I've been frantically trying to get in touch with him and today of all days he oversleeps. Just thrilled that he's safe.

[Megan]

I've been feeling the weight of some pthers personal tragedies lately. Always amazed when you know exactly what to post here, Moxie. In my wider circle of internet-friends, there have been some recent devastating loses (of beautiful newborns). I think it's been easier for me to focus on that grief that on the small, meaningless issues in my own life that are causing me hurt.

Our financial situation is forcing us (me, husband, 8 month old) to move in with my parents. I have been awfully depressed and can't find a decent therapist nearby who takes my insurance. But my job takes up so much time that I can't find time to go to therapy anyway. 8 month sleep shakeup is kicking my ass. I'm heavier now than I was when I was 10 months pregnant. It won't stop raining.

I'm really sad today.

But I am very happy to have my beautiful baby alive and well. And terrified that that will change.

[Del]

I've been sick with a tick-borne infection, on and off, since mid-May. I am being treated appropriately and responding, but it is such a slog and I am so tired of feeling unwell. Another week to 10 days should do it, but that feels like a long time right now.

[anontoday]

I'm on maternity leave, but when I'm working, I take the red line of the DC metro every day. Really shaken up by that accident.

I feel like we shouldn't have had a 2nd child, although I love her with all my heart. Just feels like, with my husband's anxiety/depression and my DS' needs, we're beyond overstretched.

I know that to make this family succeed, one of us needs to quit our job and stay home, and this terrifies me. I'm so scared to become a SAHM and lose my identity completely.

I know that a lot of my fears will be resolved or won't be fears 6 months from now. I need to hold on until that happens.

[Jill in Atlanta]

I was reading the post on four year olds and I realized what a good thing I have right now. My boys are now 5 & 8 and life is good. I mean, really comfortably good for the first time with kids. Both are pleasant, responsible kids. I went to the pool and realized that I could even start to bring a book- both are on the swim team and don't need my supervision any more. They're waiting right now for us to leave in 30 minutes, and Bug just asked his older brother Pook to play cards while we wait. And they are.

I do that mom thing where I question just how long it can last, and start to worry about what might come next. But for the first time I am also remembering to live in the moment and just enjoy them. For today I will put aside my concerns about the economy, my friend's health and other upcoming stressors. Today I'm going to remember to be happy. I will blow some of that happiness towards those of you who can't be in that moment today.

[Emily]

I have a sweet baby girl who is 2.5 weeks old. My older daughter is 4 y.o. DD#1 was a *really* fussy baby until 5 months or so, and didn't sleep longer than a 3-hr stretch until she was 10 months old.

Consequently, whenever DD#2 has been fussy, or when I'm up with her at night, it feels like literally no time has passed since those stressful times with DD#1 a few years ago. This morning around 4 a.m., while DD#2 was grunting loudly in her sleep (thereby keeping me awake), I just cried, feeling like I can't do this night-waking thing again (which, I know, sounds ridiculous seeing as how she's only 2 weeks old, but those old memories have hit me really hard). And I found myself missing my life, the one with just DD#1.

So I crawled into bed with #1 while she slept and held her and cried into her night shirt. I miss her. But I went back to bed and fell asleep and felt a bit better when I woke up. I'm just a mess in the middle of the night, when I'm tired...

But how grateful I am that as soon as I saw DD#2, I fell in love with her. During these rough hours, I keep thinking of that, reminding myself that she's a different baby than the first. It'll be okay.

[Leah]

I've been feeling really raw lately as well. My family is so blessed and instead of just accepting that, I am terrified something will go wrong because things are too good. And I think I'm overly empathetic to all of the current tragedies too, I am having a really hard time compartmentalizing.

[meggiemoo]

@Emily...I could have written your post. My 2nd (now 2-1/2 months old) is a totally different baby than my son was (now 3-1/2). But when she has a hard time falling asleep, I find myself thrown right back into that awful, depressing time with him when he was an infant.

And I miss our little family of 3. And I miss being able to leave the house by myself and go catch a movie.

[anon]

I'm really sad that my best friend seems to have disappeared from my life.

[Chris]

@anon-I'm so sorry about your best friend.

I was just going to say that I am so grateful that I just got to have a fun day with my best friend and her daughter before they fly out of town. She lives about 6 hours away and purposely drove here to see us on her way to visit another friend of ours in TX.

[Julie]

I'm so grateful I have two amazing boys. My 3.5 year old is cooperative, sensitive, helpful, and a joy to be around most of the time. His mood swings and frustrations with being 3.5 are mild compared to what I read about/hear about and I'm thankful. My 4 month old is amazing - a good sleeper, a good eater, and just a generally happy guy all around almost all of the time. I just transitioned him out of the swaddle and into the sleep sack and had buckled down for a week or more of bad sleep, lots of crying and a tired baby. What I got was about 5 minutes of laughing on the baby monitor and then sleep. He's just that kind of guy and I'm thankful.

I'm thankful for my teaching job, which is not in danger despite many of my teaching colleagues losing their jobs. I love my job, I love the hours, I love the kids. They are a wonderful counter-balance to my kids at home.

I'm thankful for a really good marriage counselor. While I don't know if it will save our marriage, we are on the same page that at the very least she will help us navigate divorce with grace and dignity for all.

I'm thankful for a real estate market that seems to be turning around. This means my husband has more business, will hopefully be making more money, and will feel better about himself. It also means we might be able to sell our house that we currently can't afford to live in....or even better, be able to afford to live there again.

[Judy B]

I've been feeling just worn down and blurry lately. I'm thankful that E and hubby are happy and healthy, we have jobs and health insurance. I wish I could sleep in and go to a movie....oh, to see a movie in a real movie theater again....

My elderly folks are moving halfway across the country and will be living about 15 minutes from us. I know they want to help with E, but I worry that they're a bit too old to deal with a one year old. And I don't know if I'm ready to add my parents into the mix of our daily lives. We're used to just doing our own thing.

Much love and chocolate to everyone today, it's a crazy world lately.

[KateW]

@Megan -
We just moved in with my parents also, with a 2.5 year old and a 5 week old. It's tough, and I was just writing an email to Moxie about it, but never got a chance to finish (did I mention the toddler/newborn thing?) I think there's a lot of people out there in newly 'combined' households. It's hard to navigate, and I've got nothing but commiseration for you...

[Sitterless]

I'm sad about the fact that our regular babysitter has moved away, and I'm afraid it means the end of our precious date nights in the near term because we have not been able to find anyone even half as good, caring, and responsible as her. It seems the only sitters we can find would rather play on FB and MS all night long & completely ignore both our specific, very simple instructions as to our toddler's sleep routine, and more disturbingly, totally ignore his cries until the point of him vomiting in his bed, which we spent 2+ hours cleaning up last Saturday.

I'm pregnant with our second and scared that I am going to have to give birth alone because we won't be able to find anyone to watch our toddler when I go into labor. I'm sad that we don't have any family nearby. I'm sad that after living here for almost a year it seems we don't have any friends close enough to want to offer help and we'd feel a bit like imposing losers for asking.

[Abacaxi Mamao]

I am afraid that I am not going to get everything done. I am so happy to have work (even though it doesn't pay too well), but I am behind and missing deadlines and that is scary.

I am too overwhelmed by my own life to think about other people's tragedies, and that makes me a bit sad.

[flea]

I am grateful that my daughter has a friend who is her perfect match. They live down the street and got back from a month away on Sunday. Friend's mother Facebooked me yesterday saying, "We need a playdate NOW - kid is DYING to see Casper!" and Casper went over after dinner, and they just love each other so easily and fit together so well, are no trouble at all when together.

And then, my heart all full of this joy for Casper and her friend, yesterday afternoon, I searched Facebook for my best friend when I was 5, and found him. We had that same "perfect match" relationship at 5. I am excited to catch up on the 25 years since we've seen each other, and he seems excited too.

[obabe]

im thankful for my family's health and happiness. there have been some devastating tragedies in our community (41 year old mom of three dropping dead of a heart attack in her kitchen; 1 year old with viral encephalitis that will not recover) that are making me step back and realize HOW blessed i am right now. we have three adorable boys just enjoying summer, my dh and i both have good jobs, and we're all healthy. who can/should ask for anything more?

there is alot of pain in the world right now....waiting for the upswing.

like judy said above, love and chocolate to everyone.

[Cloud]

@Julie- Reading your post made me so happy! I'm glad things are getting easier for you.

@Sitterless- ask one of your not so close friends to watch your toddler while you give birth. Really. I would do it in an instant for anyone I know, whether I consider us close or not. I wouldn't think you were an imposing loser for asking. I would be happy to help, and I'll bet most people would feel like that. For the more general sitter needs- don't let them use your internet. And maybe check with your local YMCA for a list of good babysitters. Ours keeps one that I have heard good things about, although we tend to just use the teachers at Pumpkin's day care.

I'm grateful that the only thing I have to complain about is the fact that pregnancy #2 is just kicking my butt.

[laura]

I'm thankful I have a roof over my head, a roof that I can afford to live in. Oh, and a fridge full of food. Not everyone is so lucky.

[Johanna]

Yesterday was one of the biggest days of my life. I discovered that the horrible, horrible "stuff" I've been dealing with for 17 years actually has a name, a diagnosis, a treatment plan, and there are many other people who suffer with the exact. same. symptoms. It's also a bonus to discover that it's neurological. I have felt for all of this time like a bad person, a freak, someone with an unexplainable issue that no one could understand. I feel legitimate for the first time since I was 12 years old.

[awakingsleep]

Just realized today that I went from understimulated to overcommitted with this move, with only a brief stop at healthy social balance. I'm not sure how to disentangle this mess of commitments. And I'm definitely not sure what to do with a wonderful precocious 2.5yo as a SAHM with this massive to-do list on my plate.

[Brooke]

Sitterless--Get a sibling doula. Ask around for recommendations from birth doulas. That's what we did and it made a big difference, since we too were far from family, newish to the area, and didn't have a trusted sitter at the time.

We are under contract to buy a house, but the bank which is selling it is acting crazy, so we aren't sure if it will go through. We are half packed and tripping over stuff everywhere. We aren't sure if we should keep packing or start unpacking. Generally though things are going really well. I just hate not knowing where we will live.

[anon]

I'm afraid.

I don't have anything left to give them, and they need so much. All they do is scream and hit and kick and whine, and I have run out of patience.

I hate my husband for always giving stupid, pat answers to everything ("Oh, that's just how kids are.")

I hate my mother for always being better at dealing with them (easy for her--she gets to leave).

I hate getting the mail because the medical bills just keep coming, and we're in that beautiful middle ground: Not poor enough to qualify for assistance, not 'rich' enough to get out from under the bills.

I hate trying to prioritize who really needs to go to the doctor and I hate that my calculations of who has hit their deductible and/or yearly out-of-pocket limit is always in the back of my mind when I'm trying to prioritize.

I hate myself for feeling this way.

[AmyinMotown]

@Emily: I wish I could give YOU a hug because I felt exactly that way when my son was born! It gets better, really it does, hang in there. The day will come when it feels normal to have two and eventually, the baby will crack up laughing at something your older child does to make him giggle and you'll feel such joy and like it was all totally worth it.

Oh Moxie, you're so tuned in. I am just feeling overwhelmed. After a very cool summer, like hardly breaking 80 degrees at all, the forecast this week is 88,91, 85...I HATE the heat, so that is not helping my mood at all (and I have a cold and I am pretty sure my period is on its way ANY minute because I am just so irrational and everything seems like the end of the world). My male cat is peeing on everything and I am afraid he's really sick. My son keeps getting sick. My daughter has apparently been replaced by a short 13-year-old who likes to play princess what with the 'tude she's throwing my way. She just knocked over the container of tortellini I was supposed to have for lunch onto the pet-fur-covered floor and I yelled at her and now she's sad.

I live in a dying town and work in a dying industry which is having its death throes just as I am realizing I actually HATE working from home with two little kids and want a part time job instead of freelancing. Our house is worth, if neighborhood gossip can be believed, half of what we paid for it in the best case and out mortgage co is offering only the stupidest of modifications. My daughter is eight hours and six minutes too young to go to this awesome charter school we found which means private school tuition possibly forever (because of thestate cutoff date). I just got a breathtakingly passive aggressive message from a person at one of my gigs and I want to tell her to bite me but I need to gig. I have too much work to do and no time to do it. Which means I should probably not be on here, but this is helping. Thanks. And much love to everyone.

[Jennifer]

I read your title and my mind immediately goes to the baby I lost in October. The second baby I thought would never happen (it took 3 years for our daughter) and I was so blissfully happy that I forgot to be cautious. I lost the baby at almost 9 weeks and my heart is still broken and I wonder if it'll ever heal. I try to be grateful for my DD and I am, but my heart longs for the baby we lost, and the sibling for my daughter.

I am thankful to be a mom and be married to the best husband and father ever. Really. My husband kicks ass.

[Anon today]

I lost a baby very early (6wks) this spring. I was blessed enough to conceive again right after, and have a healthy almost 13-weeker going right now. My sister conceived right around the same time. She tried for a long time, and finally conceived so that her due date was 5 days before mine.

She had a D&C today since her beloved, much anticipated son died within the last few days.

I'm trying to find the strength to deal with the fact that my dear child will bring my dear sister pain.

[J]

I'm sad that my daughter will probably need eye surgery to correct a genetic "defect" and she is just shy of 3 years. I am sad that my MIL may be battling early Alzheimer's and that we are going to have to watch a lovely woman slowly deteriorate in the years to come.
I am sad that my BIL's relationship with his long-term boyfriend may be ending.
I am happy that my kids love each other and get along with each other. I love my little family of four and can't imagine life without my husband, son and daughter.
I am sad that we will not have any more children (by choice), but I'm happy that we can start looking forward to retiring one day!
I am thankful that we have enough money for everything we need and that we know what's important in life.
I struggle with my general everyday anxieties and wish that I could relax more and enjoy the moment.

[Danielle]

@Jennifer - I am so saddened for you that you blame your loss on forgetting to be careful, whatever it is that happened. That is a blame game you cannot win.

@anon who hates everything - I have so been there. Which is not to say I know how you feel. I just hope you can feel some relief soon.

I am in one of those places where I know I have much to be grateful for, but I just feel lost and sad instead. I feel like the few things I really still want, need, in my life are out of my reach and my control, and that is eating away at me. And I try to focus on the gratitude, and sometimes it works, but then the sadness just hits me like a ton of bricks again.

[J]

I am also really sad for a good friend who has just had a miscarriage. They wanted this baby so badly. He/she would have been their first.

[Amara]

I am grateful that my husband and I are both employed. I am grateful that we have a roof over our heads and food on our table and that both of our daughters are healthy and happy.

I am stressed over the prospect of moving.

I am sad that my husband hasn't been able to leave his soul sucking job and find a better one and that this economy sucks so bad. I am sad that we can't be at home more with our kids (a four day work week would be WONDERFUL). I am sad that we don't have any family close to us and that my children won't grow up close to their cousins.

[A]

I am tremendously grateful that my two daughters are healthy, generally happy, and they love each other very much right now.

We moved yesterday and I am happy to be in our new home. I have a great deal of hope for this new location and new living situation, including hoping that it will facilitate some additional healing of my relationship with my partner.

I am very sad about some of what has happened in the last year, including a lot of new distance from my best friend, but I think I have been making good decisions lately that I hope will pay off in the long run. But in the short run I have way too much to do!

[maria]

Once again, your finger is on the pulse of the Moxie Mama zeitgeist, Moxie. I am having a low low day. We moved 3 weeks ago, and I'm not unpacked enough to feel at home, getting so tired of not knowing anybody, feeling like we'll never belong here and I'll never make friends, particularly the kind of friends who feel like family, like the ones I left.

I have fear, possibly irrational but equally possibly not, that our lives will be disrupted by my child's abusive and crazy father. Maybe he'll figure out where we are, maybe he'll show up somehow. Or maybe he'll continue to harrass and threaten my friends back home. The knowledge that we can't even visit back home for the time being is scary. That right there is a lot of loss.

I know this is a normal stage of the moving and settling process, I assume it will pass and come back and pass again over time as we gradually settle here. You know, if we do.

I haven't slept well lately, going to bed too late and insomnia last night even when I did get to bed at a (semi) reasonable hour. I know this is a vicious circle, sleep deprivation makes me overwhelmed and depressed, which makes it hard to sleep. Also, the solstice, all the sunlight? I don't know.

I am sure glad you all are here, always with the right forum at the right time.

[hangingon]

I'm sad that anxiety is rearing its ugly head again. I'm sad that its having new physical effects on top of mental ones, and that it seems bigger and broader this time. I'm sad that its come at a time when we'd decided to start trying for a second baby, and that our decision may have something to do with the anxiety.

I'm happy that I have an appointment with an acupuncturist today, and am hopeful that some TCM will get me back on track. I'm happy that my 2.5 year old son seems to be over the "terribles" and back to a sunny even keel. I'm happy that my husband is so understanding and supportive and thinks I'm wonderful.

[M & B]

My heart goes out to all of you.
I'm in a wierd place. I am 20 weeks pregnant, and I feel just HUGE. I don't feel like doing any of my freelance work, though we really need the money. My DS is doing well, but is in this wierd place where he is acting out all of the time. My in laws are nuts and I really dislike them. My family is great but too far away to spend time with. My husband is working way too much, and due to that fact, I have no help and am very overwhelmed by the day to day running of the house. I can't keep up.
Hoping this baby will continue to be healthy and fine, and just hoping I don't gain too much weight this time.
It's hot, and I can't find my son's sunscreen.
Enough meow, meow, meowing. My stuff is small potatoes, and I'm hoping everyone is feeling better after getting their thoughts shared.
Hearts to you all.

[Joy]

@anon today whose sister just lost her baby: Although I already have 3 beautiful kids, I've lost 2 babies in the past 7 months, the first at 10 weeks and the 2nd at 19 weeks, which involved an induction and labor to deliver. I've been heartbroken about them both, but other people's new babies do not bring more heartbreak for me; only joy and hope for the possibilities of the future. I cannot speak for your sister, but be encouraged that your new baby may have more positive effects than you anticipate.

I am more thankful than ever for our many blessings.

[Anna]

@Cobblestone- "I'm worried that there are parts of me that I love that are gone forever because I cannot figure out how to make room for them." I worried about this too. I didn't believe it when people told me this at the time, but it does come back. Things fall away for good, but not the things and parts of you that were really loved.

I'm just starting to deal with the fact that there wasn't much joy in my life from the time morning sickness started until I started to really wean my daughter at 22 months and she started to sleep more than 3 hours at a time. (The sleep improvement happened first, and I chose that time to wean her down to once a day.)

The joy is slipping back in.

BUT, it makes me so, so sad to think of all the time I spent feeling empty. I am utterly petrified of doing it again, losing myself again. And yet, I have always imagined a sibling for my daughter. I am so sick of thinking about this—second kid? only child? second kid? only child?

I know I am so indescribably lucky to even have this choice, but right now it's hard to feel that.

Oh, and I'm going on furlough and losing 10 percent of my income. My part-time income. The one that is already stretched to the limit supporting my student husband and child.

But food, shelter, love. Trying to enjoy it--our time is so tenuous, so fleeting.

[anon]

I am glad I am starting a good job July 1st. I really need the money and I need to get out of the house. I love my kids but being at stay-at-home mom for the last six months has been really hard.

My marriage may not survive through the end of the year, but I will be able to make ends meet and care for the kids with a steady job and child support.

[Jill]

I am grateful to have a job I love. I am grateful for a 3-year-old little girl who brings me so much happiness.

I am afraid that my marriage is falling apart. I am afraid that I don't know how to stop and pay attention to what is happening RIGHT NOW. I am so tired of not feeling like I am enough.

[Rebecca]

I am so frustrated with my advisor and dissertation!

I am happy to have a healthy, happy two-year-old and a loving, mostly-supportive husband.

I appreciate my son even more because he is at daycare right now and therefore not randomly causing problems here.

I am also happy that my fellow doctoral students can sympathize with both the research and parenting problems.

[ramy]

My sympathies to those of you suffering with miscarriages right now. I was there 2 years ago and it was harder than I expected it to be.

I have been anxious about the summer slipping away with nothing to show for it but a well-rested baby. No papers written. No sewing done. and I still want to kill my 4.5 year old on a regular basis.

I am nervous about $ as always--how are we going to pay for heat this winter? and my car needs fixed and my husband's car needs replaced and we'll soon be paying 2x our mortgage on child care. Our savings will soon be gone.

I am mixed about a new job--sort of excited about being in my field for a change but concerned about the internal politics of the position. and one of the other new hires sounds difficult.

I'm psyched that our garden is about a week away from producing food. The green beans are almost ripe. The tomatoes are loaded. The green papers are growing. I love my easy baby #2, even though I spend a lot of time arranging my day for his naps. I love my difficult but funny and melodramatic 4 year old. I'm blessed to have a great husband. And while last year we spent the summer going to funerals--this year we haven't had any. Thankfully.

[Rudyinparis]

We are broke, broke, broke. But we have a home, and clean water, and food to eat, and we are so lucky.

I am sending virtual comfort to those here today that need it. Today is one of those lucky days when I have some extra to give. My heart goes out to those that have lost babies.

[meggiemoo]

Forgot to post what I'm grateful for:

- a 3-year-old who makes me laugh every day
- a DH who loves me, stretch marks and all...
- that nursing solves almost any problem with the baby girl
- we both have jobs and can afford our house

[Cece]

I am afraid of how I'm going to deal with 3 babies under the age of one. After 4 years of fertility treatment, we had our wonderful son in December. In March, I found out I was pregnant (naturally) with twins. Due in the beginning of December. I've been going through shock, joy, freaking out.... everything... over the past 2 months.

I feel like an ass because I've wished so hard to get pregnant, and now I'm not over the moon to be excited about being pregnant again. I'm tired, HUGE, can't sleep... and feel like a bitch for not enjoying this - because I know it's really a blessing.

I do feel blessed that my son is wonderful, happy and healthy - and I can only pray that the twins are the same!