Bad, then better

As some of you (especially those of you who read my personal blog) know, I've been feeling very bad lately. I had some personal disappointments in April that made me feel trapped and worthless, like my life was not amounting to much and I was never going to be able to get out of a cycle of barely surviving. I had a huge crisis of faith in everything I thought I knew, about God and myself, my friends, and any possibility of a future that wasn't just going through the motions.

I realized at a certain point that my sadness and anxiety and worry were causing me not to sleep and not to eat. And that all of these bad feelings, combined with that physical stress, had thrown me into depression. I have a history of depression, and am the child of a person with depression, so I know it. This was actually worse than other major episodes I'd suffered. Some of those just made me feel flat, and like crying all the time, like I was wrapped in fiberglass insulation. This time it was a sharp pain, a nothingness with singed edges that terrified me, and for the first time made me realize why people would do anything they could to get away from that feeling.

What I did was start doing the T-Tapp Basic Workout religiously every day, and make sure I got in 3600 mg of fish oil and a few droppersful of B-complex vitamin. I also threw in a few extra sets of T-Tapp Hoe-Downs each day.

Within 2 days I was back from the ragged burned edge. The pain was still there, all the disappointment, the worry, but it wasn't unbearable. I had enough space to look at it objectively.

At the same time, I came across a little book I bought last year and never read, called Let Your Life Speak: Listening for the voice of vocation by Parker J. Palmer. In it, the author writes about his own mismatch between what he thought he was supposed to be and what he really is, and how it took two serious depressive phases for him to realize it. He talked unflinchingly about his depression, and that was exactly what I needed at that point. To hear that my depression was a normal part of figuring out what I should be doing.

Reading that book helped me figure out why, exactly, I was feeling like writing Ask Moxie was sort of, but not exactly, what I was meant to be doing. And I realized that I love answering the questions, but sometimes it feels a lot like giving people a fish. Like the people who write me are depending on me and what *I* think, instead of figuring out what *they* think. And I really want to help parents figure out how to examine their own issues and use a framework they create for themselves to pull apart their own problems and solve them.

And then, in the middle of the night, More Moxie came to me--a group of people who would work on issues common to all parents as people, regardless of how old their kids are or how many they have. The idea of doing two months at a time came from the 60-day challenges that helped some of us last year. And doing one assignment each week means we can get a little deeper and go back behind the stuff we usually think about to figure out why we do what we do, why we have the reactions we have, and help people decide what they want for themselves. Giving people a place to talk about it with other parents working on the same stuff was a huge part of it, and bringing in people knowledgeable about whatever topic we're working on, and having call-in sessions for people who want to troubleshoot or process on the phone with others.

I am energized like I haven't been in years, and feeling like what I'm doing is actually a worthwhile contribution. I was sure I knew exactly which way to go with this first unit on trusting our instincts, and then had a random conversation with a friend that's led me to start reading some stuff from a field I never thought I'd intersect with and bringing it into this unit as a way of  conceptualizing the feedback loop. I don't think I've thought this hard since I was an undergrad. And it feels really good, to want to get it right to help people learn about themselves (while I learn about myself).

And that, in turn, has made me feel more excited about the regular Q&As here. Someone asked if I was going to keep doing the regular Q&A column. Yes. I'm hoping that More Moxie will take off and I can back off some of my freelance work and spend that time doing even more with the Q&A and other free resources here.

I feel a little better now, having confessed that I was Not Doing Well. And I really had to share why I'm so excited to be putting together the units for More Moxie. (I'm lining up experts and resources through the end of the year, and finishing up the weekly assignments for this first unit. And thinking about what to do when next year.)

If there's anyone else out there feeling as stuck as I was, you might find the Palmer book helpful. (I also had the benefit of the brutal honesty and introspection of an old friend who's breaking it down for himself and letting me follow along. So if you can find someone who's into hard-core introspection and is willing to be open about it, count yourself lucky.)

And if anyone out there is feeling like you just can't deal, stand up and do some HoeDowns. Then do some more before you go to bed, and when you wake up in the morning. If you don't have some breathing room in two days, tell someone, and make sure they understand how serious it is. They'll help you get help.

Comments

[paola]

Wow, with all that going on I'm so impressed that you can still have time to think of others. That makes you pretty damn special in my book. Good luck with everything and look after yourself girl!

[heatherv]

I am using anther Parker book with an ongoing cohort of teachers. I will check out this book as I am at a crossroads in my professional career.

I typically read your blog but usually don't post a comment, but this morning I feel the need to say that your honesty and ability to write so freely about a recent painful episode was really helpful to me. Thank you-

[pnuts mama]

we love you and we'll stay with you as you journey on- through all the highs and lows. you have done so much good for so many of us, and it has been difficult to see you in so much pain. i hope you feel the grace to continue to move through this part of your life.

i am so proud of your ability for introspection, and i completely support your "more moxie" endeavor- and why the first unit should be on introspection! i know i've been busy lately and i hate not having the time for this community the way i've been able to participate in the past.

don't ever, ever apologize for supporting yourself through your vocation. you do not have to justify your work, moxie. as women, i think we always feel that we have to defend ourselves and apologize for ourselves when we ask for what we deserve (pay for our work, a raise, compensation, etc). you are so worth it- this whole place and community exist because of your time, your effort, your dedication. we appreciate it, and if we want to dig deeper, we'll invest in it.

love and peace and light to you, girl. and sun! sun! please bring us all some sunshine!!! it would help me, anyway!!

[Jill]

I started T-Tapp three days ago... I remembered you writing about, and it was always in the back of my mind to do. Funny that you write about it again! I haven't tried the Hoedowns yet... maybe today.

Getting in touch with my feelings isn't something I do easily. Good for you for going there.

[zimbabweanjen]

thank you for continuing to put up new posts and keep answering questions when you were going through such a hard time. There is a book called Care of the Soul by Thomas Moore that has similar ideas about gaining strength through depression and other 'dark' episodes in our lives, which your post made me think of.
Since you put up your post the other day about More Moxie, I have been feeling that it's a really good idea for you and it should be supported. I honestly don't think your charges are too high. I can only imagine how much work goes into it, and I think it's great that you are trying to make your way like this. (a PS about that...Was wondering if it was possible to start late, as I'll be away for two weeks starting next Monday? or maybe it's better to wait for the next one? and is it ok if you aren't resident in the States?)

Like pnuts mama said, "don't ever apologise for supporting yourself through your vocation"! As my granny says, good work deserves a reward. You have been putting up ask moxie posts free of charge for so many years...i think More Moxie is the best of both worlds at this stage.

All that is left to say after that incredible ramble, is thank you once again for all your hard work and dedication to a massive crowd of people who you might not ever meet, bar the lucky few! Most people wouldn't afford their own family members that amount of time and effort!

[hedra]

I thought I felt something around the edges there. Sorry I didn't ping you on it... and glad you found your way through with people much closer in than I am.

ep has been doing this same work, figuring out his direction. Being unemployed sets that in motion a lot. It's not easy, or fun, but it is good.

I definitely like the More Moxie concept. Due to the unemployment scenario, I probably won't be able to join up immediately (oh, the cash flow...), but I intend to do so. And I'll keep pointing people that way, too.

[momgawaga]

I am impressed by your bravery, your perseverance, and, most importantly, your vulnerability. You will likely get much (deserved) support here for your example as a woman/mom/worker/guide, but I am sure that your openness is also a great gift to your children. Thank you for the book recommendation - I could use that help right now as well. For myself, I try to keep close the saying - "leap & the net will appear."

[Bee]

So sorry you have been feeling so bad. Just wanted you to know 'Ask Moxie' has been so very, very helpful to me. Thank you.

[Brigid]

OMG. Your timing is incredible. I logged in to read about PPD (again) and read your post. Thanks you for reminding me about T-Tapp, fish oil and the fact that I can drag myself out of this tunnel.

[Rudyinparis]

Thanks, Moxie. I think I should check that book out. I often find myself thinking, "Is this the way it's supposed to be? This life?" I honestly don't know. But the idea that the asking of the question is part of the answer--if you know what I mean--kind of frightens me.

I'm glad you're feeling better. It's been so great to be on this path with you these last few years.

[AmyinTexas]

Go you!

[A]

I am so glad you found Parker Palmer when you needed to hear his wisdom! I have found him very helpful to me, and I also love that you again proved a favorite adage, "when the student is ready, the teacher will appear." I love the idea of More Moxie, and I wish I could participate in your first segment, but because of some huge changes in my own life I will be too busy. Maybe later. I hope you will give those of us who won't be part of it some updates so we can get a sense of how it is going. Finally, thank you for continuing to write openly and honestly about your struggles and discoveries. I don't post here very often, but I continue to benefit from the community and from your personal wisdom. Thank you.

[Julieta]

Moxie, I love T-Tapp because of you. I also feel validated as an imperfect (and it's OK!) mother because of you. I am so grateful to have found your site. You are immensely valuable to all of us in many ways. Thanks and hugs.

[AmyinMotown]

This makes me very happy to read (that you're feeling better, that is, not that you were going through such a rough time). I'm going to check out that Parker Palmer book, since I have been feeling all broody and introspective lately.

Let me say, though, if I may, that while exercise and nutrition are fantastic ways to cope with a depressive episode, if you are really in the pits there is no shame in taking meds. I lost too much of my life resisting them and thinking I could tough it out, so now I am pretty evangelistic about their benefit. I was doing (and still do) the fish oil and the exercise and while it probably helped, it didn't get me that perspective of which you speak. When you're crying on the actual treadmill? Something's wrong.

[pnuts mama]

@rudyinparis: "I often find myself thinking, "Is this the way it's supposed to be? This life?" I honestly don't know. But the idea that the asking of the question is part of the answer--if you know what I mean--kind of frightens me." i know *exactly* what you mean, in my own way. and yes, it is effing scary. i'm sending you support vibes from over here on the east coast.

@amyinmotown- crying on the treadmill! ha! (you know i know it's not really funny) i was thinking- what about when you are crying just thinking about the treadmill? i also give a thumbs up for meds to get you through the valleys- and therapy to help you figure it all out after they have kicked in and provided some clarity.

best to all- hang in there.

[the milliner]

Feeling trapped has to be one of the worse things out there. That sense that you have no options is totally debilitating. I've experienced that once in my life (so far) and it was awful. All I could do is lie in bed and cry. It really stopped me dead in my tracks.

I really hope that More Moxie takes off and is a huge success for you. (I really thought the idea was brilliant when I first read your e-mail). It would be a really nice pay off for all that you've gone through in the past months. And even if it just leads you to something else, that, along with knowing that you can get yourself un-stuck in those darkest moments when it seems the hardest, are huge deposits in the 'I can do this & I can live the life I want to live' bank.

And thank you for keeping up with Ask Moxie. Just last night I searched the archives for some hints on a particular issue I was stuck on and low and behold, the answers I found led me somewhere I didn't expect. That is what's so great about Ask Moxie. So while I agree that we want your opinion and insight, really, the strength of the Ask Moxie community as a whole is something that you and only you could have created. And we thank you for that.

[Jenny]

(((HUGS))) my friend...

Love,
jenny in Ohio

[ExpatMummy]

Just want to thank you for Ask Moxie. I was told about the site by one of the Mums in my baby group back home and it's been a lifesaver! We've been moving around quite a bit over the past two years and, lucky for me, Ask Moxie has been like a good friend on line - esp when I have questions and don't speak the language of the country I'm in! All the best to you!

p.s. T-Tapp and the Parker Palmer book sound like just what I need. Happy thoughts to you - and thanks again!

[anonymous]

I just wanted to say thank you as well...if it weren't for this site, and the proverbial fish you gave me, I don't think I would have found the strength to parent the way I wanted to. The first few months of parenting are so scary, Ask Moxie is such a blessing. I can't tell you how sustaining it was to us in the early days of parenting.

[Bella]

Moxie, you are amazing! I can't believe you were going through such deep distress and still kept up this forum like nothing was happening... I'm so glad you're on the mend and, even better, feeling excited for the future and getting your mind engaged in a way that inspires you!

Thanks for the reminder about T-Tapp. Going back to it today (why, yes, I AM that suggestable).

And count me in as another person who thinks the More Moxie idea is a fabulous one. I can't join the first one because of crazy summer travel plans, but I'll check into them later in the fall.

[Rudyinparis]

Thanks, pnuts mama!

And, AmyInMotown, I'm going to use the concept of "crying on the treadmill" as a litmus test for the rest of my life! Brilliant.

[lisa s]

i second and third and fourth all the support you are reading here. you are so brave... and generous - i can't believe you kept posting if you were feeling that way. [and now i know why you probably didn't answer me]

i come here every day b/c it makes me feel slightly more sane.

i wish i could join more moxie, but i'm currently on leave and broke. hopefully in the future

thank you for being here. i hope you continue to feel better....

[lucy]

Like the other people who have commented, I have found - and continue to find - Ask Moxie an encouraging, thought-provoking, interesting site and community.

Thank you for being so honest in your post.

I am sorry that you have been dealing with so much, and am extremely grateful that you have continued with posting at Ask Moxie.

I think that the More Moxie sounds like a great extension of this community and support.

[Prism]

I, like so many, found your blog during the 4 month sleep regression. I have been reading and recommending your site to other moms I know for the last 3 months, but this is my first comment (just been waiting for the right time!). I just wanted to say I am impressed and inspired by your blog and by the community you have built here; the honesty, support, openness, and respect. I love your wisdom, philosophies, and humor and Moxie, and I truly hope you find the direction you are seeking right now. I hope More Moxie is a success for you as well.

I have been doing some serious introspection lately and fighting so many battles trying to figure out what to do with my life as well. I thought I had it all figured out, until I was laid off last September when I was 8 months pregnant, while my husband is having a very discouraging and iffy time in grad (we hope the end is really finally near and he can then just get a job this fall). It's really been a blessing and a curse, but I'm still positive. Being a new mom is hard enough and now I have no clue what to do with my career (if anything). I'm feeling pretty stuck, so it sounds like I need to check out that book recommendation as well!

[Becca Colao, MA, Senior Certified ADHD Coach]

Moxie,
I'm a coach- mainly for adults with ADHD. I like the approach because of that fish thing; but I do have to say that I think you direct people to do stuff a little -less- than you might think. Sometimes suggestions are useful, people just need to figure out which ones work for them best. What's great about your site here, is that you aren't judgmental, and really advocate for people to do whatever works for them, rather than what works according to someone else. The commenters help in this, too.
That said, I am so glad you're looking at what feels like vocation to you, and I like the idea of More Moxie. I really like that you're looking for what's right for you because, well you deserve it regardless, but also you're such a great resource and service for all us parents inundated with a crazy boatload of "this is how you should do xyz" from the rest of the parenting universe.
-Becca

[Catherine]

Hi Moxie,

I, too, have never commented before, but these are exactly some of the same issues I'm going through now. Luckily, I'm in a wonderful ppd support group, & it's truly amazing to look at these smart, capable women and realize, "They're lost, too!" I might meet them on the street & think they have it all together, but there is an incredible bond in knowing that we all struggle with the same issues.

And every one of us tries to monkey with medications (not take them, resolve to taper off by a certain date) & wants to cure things with fish oil, non-soy diets, sleep, pure gumption. Because there is a massive social stigma about depression, & it's even greater if you're a mom. Moms (incl. me) always say, "But why can't I just . . . get it together, concentrate, banish the sadness, DEAL." And the answer is always the same: "Because your neurotransmitters won't let you. You need the medicine to get the neurotransmitters right." It is not some shameful crutch, a last resort. It means you are taking your health seriously & giving yourself the tools you need. Exercise is great & I have found running regularly to be a sanity-saver, but I feel sad when I hear other women tell themselves that they have to do it "without drugs" because I did it, too & I wish I had just accepted the help from qualified medical professionals earlier.

That said, there is a tremendous amount of work that goes into recovering. No drug can do that for you. Quiet time in which that introspection can take place - w/o the laptop, TV, a book, or anything else to distract - has been absolutely crucial for me. It always sounds good in an abstract kind of way, but is hard to do in practice.

I'll share one more thing (and it's been life-changing) because part of my depression is bound up with feeling like I should do better, be better. I feel soooo guilty about so many things, like I'm not measuring up on a whole host of scores. But my big insight has been that guilt=woundedness. So part of what I do in my time for introspection is to cast my eye back on the day and find what made me feel guilty, and then explore that woundedness. Where did it come from? If it comes from doing something "wrong" in the past, did I learn from it? And what about the "ideal" that I am comparing myself to? Where did that come from? Do I agree with it?

Whoa - wrote a whole lot here. Let's just say you touched a nerve, & I think your decision to follow your heart in helping yourself & other women deal with these issues is a much-needed & very welcome one.

[ugg boots outlet]

“no best but only better” is what we are pursuing

[Lindicey]

Amazing work! I was going through old blog eetrins in my Google reader and came across your work on both Design Sponge and Craftzine blog (separately, on the same day). I decided that it was a sign that I should stop by your site and comment on how lovely I think your work is.