Q&A: supporting a friend through rough times

Pippi writes:

"I was wondering if you and your readers could help me out with some ideas. I have a friend, not a super close friend but closer than acquaintance, who has a son my daughter's age (not quite 1.5 years). We met up to take the kids to a play group today and she confided in me that her husband left her last night. I got the impression that this is a very surprising turn of events and that she didn't see it coming, but I didn't want to press for too many details. I told her to feel free to talk about it if she needed to or we could not talk about it if it was too much. She was really emotional and really just wanted to keep it together in front of her son so we didn't talk about it much.

I know this friend has struggled with postpartum depression and anxiety. I also know that she's sought help for this and she's comfortable talking about it. She's so worried about the effect this will have on her son and I'm worried about the effect it will have on her because I know she's still in a fragile state.

So my question is, how can I help support her through this? I've already told that my door is open and she should feel free to come over for dinner or company or whatever and that I really mean that. She is such a great mom and a great person and I really want her to know and feel that.

Thanks to you and your readers!"

Boy, is there a lot of divorce going around these days! I think people confide in me more about it since I've been open about my own, but it just seems like there's some grand waking-up-and-walking-out process going on around the world right now.

Anyway, you are a good friend to want to support her at this time. I was told, when I initiated my divorce, that people would come out of the woodwork to support me while others I thought were true blue would fall away, and that's exactly what happened. I'm not sure how someone can go through a divorce with no support, so it's good that you're stepping up.

I think there are a couple of practical things you can do to help her. The first is to invite her over with her son to hang out. Specific invitations, not just an offer for an ear. She will probably be feeling very lonely, perhaps confused, angry, etc. And just being around someone else that she doesn't have to explain and apologize to will be helpful. She may start feeling a little PPD-ish again, and being able to talk to you about it without feeling like you're judging her would be a huge gift.

Another thing that could be extremely helpful would be to do a little babysitting for her. Divorce is a situation that requires a lot of childcare, between the therapy sessions and mediators and lawyers and all that crap. If you could take her son every once in awhile so she doesn't have to find and pay someone else to, it would help her out a ton.

This suggestion may be a little controversial, but I think it could be helpful, depending on her personality, if you could run a little bit of interference for her with the other parents. What I mean is that she is probably going to get tired of explaining and going over the situation again and again, and it might be nice for her just to be able to let someone else fend off some of the questions for a little while. When I was going through my situation, I constantly felt as if I had to defend myself for daring to initiate a divorce. I'd imagine that someone on the other end would feel like she constantly had to apologize, and dealing with expressions of sympathy and/or anger at her husband would be exhausting.

Lastly, be open to what happens for her. It sounds like she and her husband will get divorced, but people do reconcile. And if that happens, she'll need someone who will be able to accept that and not make her feel bad for going back into the relationship, and not badmouth her husband.

Readers, what do you think? What was helpful to you in a similar situation? Have you supported a friend through this process?

Comments

[mamie]

Hmmm. I agree lots of specific invitations for dinner, maybe even bringing dinners to her during the the appointment-heavy period Moxie describes. Just like with a new mom, it is a huge gift for you to be the one to take the initiative. It is so hard to get up the energy/courage to ask for help, and so much easier to say yes to an invitation.

Plus, it always helps to keep an eye for a return of the PPD, just in case Mom isn't able to see it at first.

[Kate]

I was very abruptly left by my husband in October, and my friends immediately rallied around me, which was wonderful. Unfortunately they were quite vocal about their dislike of my husband and how he was an asshole and I was better off without him and blah blah blah and you know what, that didn't help at all. On Tuesday he was the love of my life. On Wednesday he left me. I was sad--not angry. It took me MONTHS to get angry. When I told my friends that I didn't want to hear any negative talk (because it wasn't helping) they ceased it immediately, which was great.

Uh, in summary, be nice, to everyone. And I agree completely on the babysitting, if you can. Divorce involves a ton of appointments.

[Jen]

Great advice I've read on Moxie before is to say a specific thing you would like to do for her (i.e., bring dinner over on Tuesday evening, meet up at park on Thursday, watch her son on Wednesday while she goes to get a haircut, etc.). The general offers are nice and sincere, but the offeree is probably not comfortable requesting the help without a specific offer. And if she turns you down at first, don't get defeated, keep offering.

After she is comfortable taking about it with a larger group of people, you may offer to set up a Care Calendar so members of your playgroup can bring her dinner for a few weeks. http://www.carecalendar.org/ - awesome, free service.

[hush]

Moxie nailed it... especially the bit about the possibility of reconciliation & the advice about not badmouthing. I'll also add, Pippi, to just keep doing everything you can to stay in front of her, keep on calling her, and each time you see her be sure to make plans with her for next time.

I've had several 30-something friends get divorced (none with kids yet but I know others here can advise), and one girlfriend in particular who was totally blindsided by the news, just as it sounds like your friend was. Her experience involved infidelity and a crazy web of lies that didn't come out right away, so it was like a very drawn out grief process: denial, fear, anger, hopelessness, optimism, start over again with denial & repeat. She kept wanting to know why this was happening to her, why she didn't at all see it coming, and she says it helped that I didn't mind just being a sounding board for her as she went through things over and over again, repeating the same stories and what-if scenarios.

We weren't super BFF's when she got the news, but I felt like the right thing to do was to kind of "level-jump" with her, and start suddenly hanging out with her a lot more. So I was always in her face making plans, asking her to go to the gym with me, come over for dinner, etc. Even though it sometimes felt like she didn't want to see me that much, to this day, several years later, she often thanks me for being one of the "real" friends that really hung in there with her when her closer friends didn't seem to know what to say or do, so they drifted away. And by the way, drifting away is not always the wrong move, either - because if you don't have it in you to be authentically present and help handle the tough stuff with someone, then you need to know your limits. Hopefully there are folks like Pippi who can and will get involved.

[Sharon aka Mommie Mentor]

One thought. Make sure that one of the options you offer is "do you want to be left alone for 1 day, 1 week?" and tell her "I WILL call to check back in." Then make sure to check back in. Some people just need a little alone time to deal with things and then they can use the support again.

[AmyinTexas]

Damn, I just wrote a long response and the computer ate it. He's a quick summary:

I'm divorced. I concur with Moxie. Issue specific invitations. Try to do it without your husband the first time or two... I hated seeing happy families in the immediate aftermath of my split.

Do a small girls' night out on a night when dad has the son. It will help her not feel so lonely and might offer the chance for a few other friends to get involved.

If you have any other divorced acquaintance (female), hook them up. I needed to be with someone who had been there done that.

Keep asking how she is. She'll say she's okay, but she might not be. I never was in those first few weeks. No one ever plans for this.

[another friend]

I'm really glad to read this discussion. I have a friend -- more of a close acquaintance, really -- who just had her second kid a few months back and, according to the grapevine, is having Major Issues in her marriage, potentially involving her personal safety. Given my experience w/ her partner, that seems plausible... but I have no direct info.

I am at a loss as to how to proceed, but the info on specific invitations rather than blanket offers is helpful. Any other ideas would be much appreciated....

[ACJ]

How to Help - on my list of books to write. Not because I'm an expert (frankly, I'm a poor helper altho' a strong helpee apparently) but because I hear so often from people how difficult it is.

So here is what I know:

1) offer what you have: it is always easier to give out of abundance. Do you have a freezer full of casseroles? Pass one on. Are you amazing at research? Offer to look up lawyers or free resources. Can you keep toddlers amused and happy for hours? Offer childcare. Are you loaded? Put cash in a envelope and put it through the mail slot. When we give what we have we give more cheerfully, more often and probably give better quality too which is appreciated.

2) Give Often: Every one knows to drop off a casserole the first week. Two months later, not so much. Put weekly reminders on your calendar.

3) Mix public & private giving: Private is important for the pride of the receiver - especially for gifts of money and stuff (groceries, appliances, cars, etc). But some public giving is good too - arrange the meal sharing, or childcare. It reminds others of the need and expands the circle of care as well as the pool of resources.

4) Edit for your children: Tell them what you're doing and why ("we're sharing our dinner with Sarah because she's sad") but avoid gossipy details. Kids don't have the social awares to know what is appropriate to repeat and what is private. Be especially careful of conversations at home discussing the situation that you think aren't being heard or listened to.

5. Give your best: When life is hard, it is made no easier by receiving other people's trash.

6. Just do it. Giving wrong is probably always better than not giving at all

[P&P]

I think the interference part is interesting but, as you said, controversial.

I used to work in a very gossipy office and when I went through a devastating split, my boss and I agreed that if anyone went to her looking for information, the standard comeback was "that's not my story to tell."

I really don't recommend people get into an interference situation where they offer any information. It's better for the "interference" to be someone who deflects the casual questions and gossip-mongers. A simple "it is what it is and it isn't any of your business" is a lot safer in the long run than having someone act as your spokesperson.

[Jennifer]

I work in a family law office, which means mostly divorce and post-divorce issues. (I'm not a lawyer, just a paralegal.)
From my professional angle, I want to reiterate what's already been said - divorce can mean a LOT of appointments. One of the hardest things about those appointments, besides the fact that they are divorce-related, is that the timing is not convenient and finding child-care can be difficult.

It could mean the world to someone if you can cheerfully offer free babysitting. Bad enough when you have to go watch (and pay for) your husband's deposition, never mind piggybacking babysitting expenses on top of that.

[Suzie]

I have a friend going through this right now (well, two friends as both of them are very important to me) -- and something I did was jump on the internet and learn about divorce and what it was like. I had no idea that roles often play-out in a leaver/leavee dynamic with each of these have different methods of coping. Sure it probably will be somewhat of a general concept but it helped me understand a bit of what they might go through and be going through. There is a lot of information out there. If anyone knows any useful links perhaps they can post them for me, too? So I am not wandering the mis-information superhighway blindly...

[Cynthia]

I'm going through this myself right now, as well. The offer for specific plans is dead-on. I'm ususaly too busy juggling my son's needs with my own, plus trying to figure our life out, to come up with any sort of plan. A specific offer relieves a ton of stress.

I also want to encourage you to call her frequently, if you are comfortable. There were plenty of days that I didn't even realize I needed someone to talk to until the phone rang. I can't emphasize enough how a simple call saved my sanity day after day.

[Jackie]

I agree with the no negitive talk about the husband. Regardless of what he did, she loved, and still loves him. Let her dictate the way she wants to talk about him. Also, keep in mind, it might be ok for her to bad mouth him, but not for anyone else, so be very sensitive to that.

And I agree, don't just say "my door is open" call and invite her over. Or call and say, "I'm going out today, is there anything you need picked up?" People need real requests, they don't have the time or energy to think about making plans, you make the plans and then let her either accept them and come over, or say "no thanks, not today" and be ok with either answer.

It's a very tricky situation, but I think it's great you are willing to help out!!

[lucy]

@ACJ I love those principles for giving. I've been intuiting some of those ideas, but I love your way of articulating them. I think that will help us as couple/family come up with ways of helping our friends and community in a better way.

[Shannon]

Much like hush's friend, my story involved infidelity and a web of lies that blindsided me several times: first when he left me with no explanation, then when the initial disclosure came out, then when the web of lies was exposed, and again when he initiated a reconciliation only to attempt to impose "terms" that would have included allowing him to continue to see the Other Woman at the same time (just in case the reconciliation didn't work out, you know?). The only difference was that we had never married after nine years together, so the lawyers weren't involved.

But after nine years, the biggest help I needed was staying afloat every day. So my wonderful friends did the following for me:

- Called me to make sure I was okay.

- Listened to me analyze the situation endlessly. My need to understand what had just happened far outstripped the reliable information I had available, and I was obsessed with trying to figure it out. (Hint to those who are treading that trail right now: you may never know. That was one of the last and hardest pieces to let go of for me.)

- Handed me Kleenex after Kleenex when I just needed to cry.

- Brought me food. I lost fifty pounds in two months because I could not eat and even when I could eat, I could not muster the energy to cook.

- Brought me clothes-- old hand me downs and stuff from their own closets or friends' closets that I could use until I felt up to shopping for my own stuff in a smaller size.

- One or more of them showed up almost every day at my doorstep and made me get dressed and leave the house for some exercise. At first, it was just a walk around the block. Later, we started going to the gym where I burned out my grief and anger on an elliptical. This also helped with the crushing insomnia that came from suddenly not sharing a bed anymore. I don't know if this help is a good idea for every situation. For me, it was very annoying at first, but after a week or two, the physical activity was helping me so much with the insomnia and inertia that I really needed it. I think part of it was also that it made me feel valued by someone, at a time when I felt totally de-valued by the man I'd planned to spend my life with.

- No badmouthing of the ex or his actions, and no attempt to explain his actions away or make excuses. Just a long stream of "You did the right things, it's not your fault" (especially important because the cheater often tries to make the cheated-on partner at fault -- "I only did it because you were so fat" was one excuse I heard, along with "If you hadn't taken that fellowship that sent you to Germany for five months, I never would have cheated with the first girl" and "You had too many ex-boyfriends before me"), "You don't have to decide today.", "You are a strong woman and I am here to support you no matter what you decide", etc.

I would not have made it through those times without that support net. I can't remember who said it earlier, but it was totally true for me that the support came out of the woodwork on the one hand, and some of my "friends" turned out to me less supportive than you might have thought. In the end, my memories of that time are dominated now by that amazing web of love and support that these women created around me.

[Julie]

Being open to all possible outcomes is probably the most helpful thing people can do. I am going through a similar situation, where *I* know my marriage is over, my husband pretty much knows it, except he keeps chickening out and backing up and wanting to try again. We also cannot afford to even separate right now. We have property we cannot sell without taking a huge loss, we are in a year-long lease we cannot afford to break, nor can either of us afford to live there alone. We have no money in the bank above what we make to pay our bills to initiate a divorce at this time. So while I know that ultimately, with some time, money and the end of our lease we will be divorcing this year....I am letting him take his time getting there. That means a lot of starts and stops to the relationship and putting on a "we're working it out" face even though I know in the long run we won't work it out, because neither of us wants to/is capable of making the kind of changes needed to make our marriage work.

This can be very confusing for the few people in my life who know about our situation. Especially my mom - who just this morning could not figure out why he was asking her to babysit the kids on Weds afternoon so he could take me out to celebrate my birthday. I am CONSTANTLY having to explain to her that yes...the relationship is over, but we cannot afford to END it right now, therefore the healthiest thing for me to do (not to mention our children) is to "work on it" while we get our ducks in a row. This does not mean lying to our kids about divorce, our 3.5 year old has no clue...all he knows is that we are either arguing or not arguing. When we are 'trying to work it out" my husband is on his best behavior and things are smoother. So for now...this is where we are.

It's a very long and winding road to divorce for some people. Withholding judgement/comment and just being an ear to listen is the best support you can give. I am grateful for my friends who support however we get there, and sometimes (though I love her to pieces) I wish my mom could wear a bag over her head...because even though she doesn't SAY anything, her expression does and it just makes it SO HARD sometimes.

[Cloud]

Oh, Julie. What a tough place you're in. I hope all the work you're putting in now makes things go more smoothly in the end.

I had a start/stop break up to the long term (~6 year) relationship I was in before the one I'm in now. We weren't married, we didn't have kids, we weren't even living together (or even in the same state!) and even then, it was so hard to navigate things with the people surrounding us.

But we both got through it and are each happily married to someone else now. I wish the same happy outcome for you.

[hush]

Chiming back in to say that my BFF just got the terrible news a few days ago that her hubby has been having an affair with an engaged woman since February. They have no children, thankfully. She does not know what she wants to do, and Mr. Wonderful hasn't told her what his plans are beyond "I think I can be happy with [the other woman]," and so I'm supporting her by not badmouthing him, and also by using @Shannon's awesome recommended phrasing: "You don't have to decide today." I'm so very thankful to be able to re-read all of these comments, because even though I've been down this road with friends before, these are all really great suggestions worth remembering.

I've also found 2 books to be helpful. One has been in print for 25 years and has been called the "divorce bible" - it's "Crazy Time: Surviving Divorce and Building a New Life (Revised Edition)" by Abigail Trafford.

The other helpful book, particularly for any woman who has been the survivor of a cheating husband who suddenly left her for another relationship, is called "Split: A Memoir of Divorce" by Suzanne Finnamore. The author was interviewed on Salon, which you can check out here:

http://www.salon.com/mwt/broadsheet/2008/04/25/divorce/index.html

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