Q&A: hitting

Shannon writes:

"I have a 22 month old son (Henry) and a 7 week old son (Myles). Henry is a sweet, loving boy who loves to cuddle and hug. He has such a huge heart, but he also hits constantly. It started about 8 months ago, and he was hitting me and his Daddy, it has slowly progressed to him hitting everyone. Sometimes its when he doesn't get his way, other times (mostly with other children) just when he feels like it. He is excited all day to see his cousin, and then when we get together, he just walks around beating on her, and then watching her cry. Sometimes he's hitting me over and over again when he is mad, and I feel like he can't even control it. When Myles was born, Henry seemed to adjust wonderfully. Lots of kisses and he always wants to hug his little brother. But he can be so aggressive and I really have to watch that he doesn't smother Myles, but as soon as I restrict him in any way, he immediately starts hitting Myles. Or sometimes he'll just scratch his face for no reason.
I feel completely lost. I don't know what to do anymore. I feel like I have tried everything. Stern talking to, time outs, time ins, yelling. Unfortunately, I have also been aggressive back with him, out of pure frustration. I am brought to tears almost daily, because he has made Myles bleed or tormented another child. Sometimes I loose sight of the fact that he is my baby, that I gave birth to him and he is an innocent child. I just get so upset and protective of his younger brother.
I feel like speaking with him gently and explaining that he loves Myles and that he doesn't want to hurt him works to a certain extent. It prevents further hitting for the time being, but it hasn't been a cure all, and to be honest, it is so hard to be patient and soft after this long.

What do I do? Where do I go from here? Nothing has worked, and everyones advice that he'll grow out of it seems to be totally inaccurate since we are coming up to almost a year of it. Any advice would be greatly appreciated."

Henry sounds a lot like my second son. He has extremely intense emotions, and is the most loving child I've ever met. But his emotions are so intense that he has a truly hard time dealing with them, and that results in a lot of hitting (and sometimes biting) and now threatening with words. It's been going on since he was a toddler, and it seems to me as if his aggression just flares up when he feels misunderstood or thwarted and he doesn't know how to make himself feel better about a situation.

The only thing that seems to help is to talk out his feelings with him, to allow him to be angry but to express it verbally instead of physically. When he was littler and not verbal what helped was saying what I guessed he was feeling, about being angry or frustrated. He could nod his head when I hit the right emotions. Now I can say, "How does that make you feel?"

I've also started noticing that when I do a more general debriefing of the day at night and in the morning of what happened that day or the day before and how he felt about it, he seems to do less aggressive acting out. It's almost as if he knows he's being understood and will have his chance to state his emotional case, so he can control the lashing out a little more.

Have you ever felt like the world was on your last nerve? That must be what it's like to be a really intensely emotional child. Anything is going to set you off, and you won't have the emotional space to pull back. So I think trying to make your child feel understood, and taking the focus off the kids he hits and more onto his own emotions just might help. But it seems like a more constant process (of daily check-ins) than just stopping it at the time.

I'm going to try it out even more over the next few weeks, and if any of you with intense kids who are physically acting out would volunteer to try it out, too, we could see if it's a plan that helps. Because that feeling of not knowing how to stop your child (who you KNOW is loving) from hurting other kids is horrible.

Any comments?

Comments

[Cloud]

@mo- I've only recently gotten better at expression my anger in productive ways. In fact, I only realized that my ways weren't very good when I met Hubby and saw how much better he is at handling anger than I am. Its hard to change and it is definitely a slow process, but you can do it.

I'm reading the Raising your Spirited Child Book @caramama references now, and am finding it useful. I don't think anyone in our family qualifies as truly intense by her definition, but we all have some "spirited" aspects. For instance, both Pumpkin and I are intense emotionally, and both Pumpkin and Hubby are really, really high energy. Reading the book is giving me ideas about how to better handle my own emotions, how to better interact with Pumpkin, how to better interact with Hubby... even how to better interact with my introverted sister (I'm a BIG extrovert).

[Hormonal Reversitol V2]

Valuable information! Looking forward to seeing your notes posted.

[Cassy]

The early mohnts My girls are now 21 mohnts old, and I can barely remember the early mohnts. But the bits I do remember are clear.I don't remember their first feeds at all. I remember the first feed for my older two (singletons). I have pictures of the first feed for each of my twin daughters, and the first time I managed to tandem feed them, that same day but I don't remember it at all. Given how foggy my memory is of the first few mohnts, that's a small sorrow, but an expected one. At least I have the pictures. I remember being astonished that a football hold not only worked for one, it worked for both. Neither of my older ones could stand football hold. Then astonished again when I could use hold after hold and they put up with the contortions. But hey, after all, they'd been squashed up against each other all along, I guess that would be normal for them. I remember in the first days, identifying them by their nursing style as much as anything else. Meriel was the shark' she'd lunge at my breast, mouth wide, and chomp hard. I'd have to detach her a few times to get her latch right, because she was too fast for me. She'd get it right if I left her alone and let her figure it out, though. Trying to help too much made her frustrated. She could get there fine on her own, thanks! Rowan, however, wanted to be helped, held and supported, into position. Her latch was more gentle, but also a bit on the easygoing' side lip in, lip out, whatever. Her muscle tone was low-ish, and she just couldn't get there without help, but didn't seem to mind the interference. I had to fix her lips over and over and over. Those general attributes still describe their personalities very well. I remember having to chart Rowan's feeds carefully, because she developed jaundice, enough to have a bili-light tethering her to the nearest power outlet for a few days. She looked like a glow worm, greenish light glowing through her shirt. Tracking the feeds was challenging, with two eating on their own schedules. It was also very important, as I found I was forgetting who ate last, and which side. I became more anxious that I'd forget one for a few hours but reassured by having the log to check back on, since my memory was so hazy.I remember the visiting nurse looking around my bedroom, on the first followup checkup for the jaundice, and wondering what she thought of our big bed, the two snuggle nest' beds lined up on one corner, the EZ2Nurse2 pillow still buckled around my waist. My newest babies were just a few days old, and I was awash in hormones, and more tired than I could have imagined and yet, less wiped out' than I thought I'd be, likely running on hormones and adrenaline. In other words, likely to be sensitive to judgement. Fortunately, she was all for anything that helped me breastfeed longer. She laughed outright when she realized the end-table next to the bed was actually a dorm fridge. Fully stocked, so I didn't even have to get out of bed to feed my breastfeeding-twins-starvation. I remember thinking the two of them were so tiny, and fragile, and floppy. My older two had been much bigger, even though the girls' were quite normal sized (6 lbs 10 oz and 7 lbs 6 oz). I remember feeling an almost painful urgency for them to grow, needing them to get big from my milk (though I'm sure that feeling is the same no matter how you feed them!). I remember sitting in the recliner, nursing pillow in place, knit blankies propping little baby hineys to keep them from sliding anywhere at all, my step-mom handing me a sandwich over their heads, and me having to hold my elbows out to the sides to eat it without bonking the babies. Brushing crumbs off my front, and picking them off the sleeves of my little ones fallen asleep at the breast.I guess I remember enough. Enough to know that I succeeded in part because I had the equipment I needed, and that was because I had the support I needed, and that was in no small part because I asked.The support was as simple as my DH stocking the fridge, as broad as friends who would pitch in to buy me a minifridge, as deep as my family members committing to driving almost an hour each way just to be there when I asked, every week. Humbling, but then just asking for the help in the first place was humbling. The WIC billboards around here say loving support makes breastfeeding work' don't I know it! That, at least, I remember very clearly.

[Susan]

Roxy1992,Why would you let yourself ingdlue in someone you don't like? Why force yourself? Consider the fact that if you don't like him and get involved, will you be happy? You are just lying to yourself, be true with what you feel. Don't give him false hope, time will tell if both of you are meant or not. For now, enjoy life! No need to be in a hurry to enter in a relationship, are you? +4Was this answer helpful?

[Muhd]

I breastfed wohuitt a schedule because it was important for me to have one-on-one time with the babies (so I staggered their feedings). But I didn't have any other children at home, which made it easier for me to let the babies set their own routines.I also gave up pumping, which very definitely hurt my supply I was never able to breastfeed more than two babies at any given feeding (meaning either breastfeeding or offering EBM). If I could do it over, I would always always always have pumped after every session.The whole story of our breastfeeding journey is quite long and convoluted, but I ended up BF'ing two of my babies for 3.5 years and the third one weaned (the bottles were too tempting) just before her first birthday. The full story is on my blog, via the Attachment Parenting category it's just too long, and in too many parts, to provide better links here.

[Noe]

Tell them it's the natural way to feed bbeias for years before milk bottles were invented. It's safer and faster to feed bbeias that way. Go to a farm and they can see for themselves how animals are like human when feeding their youngs. I ****** feed both my children and I always do it anywhere in the house. I have a light blanket or sheet that I toss over my shoulder and drape across the baby so that you can't see anything except the sheet.

[Raj]

It depends on the scoohls and on the kids, and I would go and interview and observe any scoohls you are considering. My eldest would had some early learning issues which might have benefited from being homeschooled, except that she was compulsively social and would have absolutely hated not having kids around most of the day. I ended up doing a lot of tutoring until she was up to par, but kept her in formal school systems. As to the public private thing, I have tried both public and private scoohls. In some places the public scoohls were better than the private ones; in others it was the reverse. I am myself Catholic and I tithe, so that the local Catholic school system is free to me, but there was a time when I sent one kid to the Catholic school, and the other to nonreligious private school. (The local public scoohls at that time and place were bad in all respects.) The secular private school was more academically challenging but had a problem with drugs and alcohol. My risk taker therefore got sent to the Catholic school, my cautious kid to the other.

[Gabriela]

I think it depends on the pubilc schools in your area. I would have loved to attended a private school since I attended pubilc schools and charter schools in my county and was disappointed (education here in Florida isn't the greatest). As someone who just graduated from high school and started college, I felt like I wasn't prepared. If the pubilc schools in your area have many Honor and Advanced Placement courses that can challenge your children then do that! But since they are still in elementary school does it really matter that much? Even a parent can teach their children the basics they learn in grade school. I would have enjoyed my parents more in my life when I was younger, they were always off working. If I was you I would be a stay at home parent and send your children to a regular school and then as they get older put them in schools that challenge them.But you're the parent! You know whats best for your kids. :)

[Lina]

My bible is The Nursing Mother's Companion Guide. It's the most comprehensive book on bridetfseaeng that I've ever read. I cannot recomend it highly enough. It's now my standard baby shower gift.It has an index where you can look up symptoms or problems, diagrams, charts, and all kinds of useful information.

[jordan retros]

everyone looked surprised, they thought Cheap Air Jordans Man spotted belly 100,000 troops on the mountain, want to get 100,000 troops to achieve this goal, in the chaotic? Li a place on the planet, but, Wang Cheap Air Jordans 's require large out they were expecting. Cheap Air Jordans secretly smile, in fact, anxious to get these thousands of troops, and determined to win, but, with their understanding of the nature of some difference in terminology, in the final analysis, all aimed , requires that they willingly, not under the agreement in force. the crowd because Cheap Air Jordans does not show the strength of the people immediately believe the contrary, their eyes reveal the suspect is not difficult to imagine that there is not that a slave state, but the entire ? Li planet, nor is it an era, but for generations to come, because they experienced the pain of being a slave, the heart is extremely annoying that they are slaves, hate what they become slaves and aristocrats, like the wild days Sen positions so that the liberation of slaves in the Mountain Man belly is already very great, but they never thought to liberate all the slaves, Heaven has hundreds of thousands of troops were able to use Belly Man into fierce mountain terrain to reach the dragon the two countries do nothing, but he would not dare to attack a nearby town, and their shortage of troops, not to mention a country, of course, the whole? Li slaves on the planet that is more impossible, and would like to have not thought about. Cheap Air Jordans said management is now the world's slaves, they understand what it means, that is, all countries with the world and against the nobility, on their belly Mountain Man this force, attack a town is hard, even as the capture of a town but also how, can be indifferent watching those noble slaves occupied the city, looked at them helplessly, of course, impossible, would discredit, this is all noble things, not that a state of things. easing their stress, wild days of storage Sen said: impressive, however

[jordan retros]

everyone looked surprised, they thought Cheap Air Jordans Man spotted belly 100,000 troops on the mountain, want to get 100,000 troops to achieve this goal, in the chaotic? Li a place on the planet, but, Wang Cheap Air Jordans 's require large out they were expecting. Cheap Air Jordans secretly smile, in fact, anxious to get these thousands of troops, and determined to win, but, with their understanding of the nature of some difference in terminology, in the final analysis, all aimed , requires that they willingly, not under the agreement in force. the crowd because Cheap Air Jordans does not show the strength of the people immediately believe the contrary, their eyes reveal the suspect is not difficult to imagine that there is not that a slave state, but the entire ? Li planet, nor is it an era, but for generations to come, because they experienced the pain of being a slave, the heart is extremely annoying that they are slaves, hate what they become slaves and aristocrats, like the wild days Sen positions so that the liberation of slaves in the Mountain Man belly is already very great, but they never thought to liberate all the slaves, Heaven has hundreds of thousands of troops were able to use Belly Man into fierce mountain terrain to reach the dragon the two countries do nothing, but he would not dare to attack a nearby town, and their shortage of troops, not to mention a country, of course, the whole? Li slaves on the planet that is more impossible, and would like to have not thought about. Cheap Air Jordans said management is now the world's slaves, they understand what it means, that is, all countries with the world and against the nobility, on their belly Mountain Man this force, attack a town is hard, even as the capture of a town but also how, can be indifferent watching those noble slaves occupied the city, looked at them helplessly, of course, impossible, would discredit, this is all noble things, not that a state of things. easing their stress, wild days of storage Sen said: impressive, however

[Chanel ipad leather]

I agree with how to resolve it, but I don't agree with one point.

It isn't fair to say that in your own house you shouldn't have things out that are nice because someone else's kid might break them. I don't have expensive things out in my house (I have 3 kids 5 and under and other kids here all the time), but the things I have out just because they aren't expensive doesn't mean they can/should be broken by another kid without some repercussion, too.

It isn't about the lamp shade, it's about the fact that the kid broke something, expensive or not.

[car games]

Captain Titus walks among the human soldiers who may be wounded, or just sitting against the wall for some rest, they stand up and look at you as if in adoration.