Jenny writes:
"My son just turned 2 last week. He goes to daycare 3 days a week, which he seems to enjoy (not as much as time with Mommy, but Mommy's got help bring home the bacon). He is transitioning from the "Toddler I" class to "Toddler II." He spends half his day in the first class, then half his day in the second. In a couple weeks, he'll be in the 2nd class all day. My problem is with the way they handle potty training in the second class. They make the effort to help each kid sit on the little potty a few times a day. They say they are just trying to get the kids used to the idea of the potty, learn what their body does, learn what the toilet does, etc. They still leave a diaper on them all day, though. While that all sounds fine and dandy, I have no intention of trying to get my son potty trained in the next few months. I feel like I'm supposed to be reinforcing this behavior at home, but I just don't want to do it yet. He's not showing any of the signs that he's interested or ready, and from what I hear about boys, if you start when they're 2, it's going to take you until they're 3-ish anyway. (I know, all kids are different, but I just know he's not ready yet, and I have no desire to worry about this for a really long time unnecessarily.)
Is it ok to just let the day care people do what they're going to do, and ignore it at home for a while? I don't want him getting confused, but I also don't want to force the issue when he's not interested yet.
Thanks! I hope to get a little insight from you and other Moxie readers!"
Mmmmm....bacon. Have you all tried my Bacon-Brown Sugar Coffeecake recipe?
Anyway.
I think that as long as they're not forcing the kids or putting any pressure on them, it's fine. They probably do all kinds of stuff with the kids that you don't do at home, and he's learned that school has one set of rules and expectations and that home has another set.
Also, and I know you didn't ask this because you already know it, but it's totally fine for you not to hop on the potty-training wagon on someone else's schedule. You know your kid and what he's ready for. It's possible that he will end up trained from what they're doing in school, but probably not. (If he does, my bet is that it will be the influence of peer pressure, not the sitting-on-the-potty stuff itself.)
But the bottom line is that I don't think he'll get confused, any more than he gets confused by the difference in his routine during the week and on weekends. So just nod and smile about all of it, and do what you're going to do anyway.
Has anyone else ignored potty training at home while a child was going through the motions at school? How did it go?
My old daycare used to start potty-training for everyone at 2. And it happened, but it was a lot of effort.
Our current, beloved daycare still puts the Toddler 2s on the potty, but there's no pressure, and we never bothered at home until it seemed like it was going to be a sure thing. It was no big deal.
Posted by: Slim | May 19, 2009 at 07:08 AM
Don't believe everything you've heard about boys! I have 2. Oldest trained at 2 years 5 months, of his own accord, virtually no accidents. (Night trained by 3). Second trained at 2 years 3 months, a few accidents (still not night trained, he's 2 years 7 months now).
My first trained essentially on his own, but we did push the second. (It helped that he had his brother to emulate). Don't fear the potty training.
It's great that they are doing it at daycare. I don't think you need to do it at home, but why not? Sometimes they will surprise you, and it helps to get them to make the connection between the feeling of needing to go, and actually going. As well, the weather is getting warmer (if you are in "this part of the world") and it's a great time to let him run around naked - that's what did it for both my boys!
The philosophy of waiting until kids are ready instead of pushing them was espoused by a doctor in the 1970s (or thereabouts), that was, I believe, promoted by one of the disposable diaper companies. It is, of course, in their best interest that your kids are in diapers as long as possible! Before disposable diapers were so widespread, children trained much earlier, on average!
Either way, you do have to go with what feels right. But don't fear the potty training, if you can, embrace it!
Good luck!
Posted by: Naomi | May 19, 2009 at 07:39 AM
They do the same thing at our daycare. They put everyone on the potty, but if they say they don't want to, or don't go, no big deal, just take the of and put on the diaper. They also say its just to introduce the concept, show them the options, etc. It seems very low pressure, so we didn't care.
And then lately we actually have started doing the same thing at home. My son is just 2 and with the birth of his sister a week ago, definitely NOT ready to start any major changes. But we offer him the potty and sit and read books, etc. If he happens to go, great, if not, we don't even mention it. If we offer it and he says no, we say okay. Lately he's been asking to sit on it, but it doesn't coincide with actually having to go - but at least he's interested. We definitely aren't going to hit it hard with potty training for a bit.
Posted by: Laura | May 19, 2009 at 08:03 AM
If daycare wants to do the heavy lifting for you, and they're definitely not "forcing the issue" with your child, then what's the harm? I've heard of loads of kids learning to use the potty in a daycare situation by naturally following the older kids. Less work for parents = brilliant! Sign me up! ;)
BTW, it sounds like their process as you've described it is something akin to the "potty learning" that comes before "potty training." The great book "Diaper Free Before 3" covers this territory quite nicely.
Posted by: hush | May 19, 2009 at 08:07 AM
you might be surprised as to how this routine at school gets him interested in the potty at home. My girl was about 90% potty trained at 2 years 3 months via the "let school do the strict routine and let her lead the way at home" method. And at home she was very good about asking to sit on the potty every few hours. Then school was closed for 2 weeks around the holidays and since we weren't very good at remembering to follow the routine at home she slid back towards not wanting to use the potty at all. Now, 5 months later she HATES diapers and pull-ups but also refuses to sit on the potty and we are wishing we had done a better job at sticking to the routine back then as I think we would be done with the whole potty training business by now.
Posted by: kakaty | May 19, 2009 at 08:15 AM
Our part-time preschool (10 hours/week) has "potty parties" for the toddlers. The teachers don't *force* the kids to sit on the potty, but everyone is doing it! and having so much fun! I seriously thought my son would be close to 3 before he was potty trained, but he started wearing underwear full-time at 2 years, 5 months...and probably would have started using the potty much earlier if I hadn't been so clueless about the readiness signs. The teachers were invaluable in the potty training process - gentle coaches and cheerleaders (for both child and parent). I didn't have to do much at all because he was just ready, and had so much practice at and awareness from school.
Posted by: VandyB | May 19, 2009 at 08:15 AM
This is pretty much how my daughter's daycare handles potty training as well. And at daycare, DD is apparently an ace, regularly using the potty and going through very few diapers (because they stay dry). At home, she's not really interested in using her potty, and I've decided that's okay with me. She's 23 1/2 months, and I figure we'll reassess the situation in 2-3 months. I've peeked in to see her sitting on the potty with other kids at daycare. They all sit down and sing songs and clap hands. It really doesn't seem like a high-pressure situation, so I'm not worried by it at all. I agree with Moxie that as long as it's not being done in a pressuring and/or threatening way, there's nothing wrong with a toddler using the potty at daycare but not yet at home.
Posted by: Stephanie | May 19, 2009 at 08:20 AM
My daughters' daycare did this too, and we definitely "ignored" it at home. I mean, we had a potty seat available and all that, but we didn't push for its use or anything.
There was a point at which they encouraged us to switch our daughter to underwear or PullUps to make it easier for them to sit on/use the potty (one teacher discouraged Pull Ups, actually, preferring to clean up lots of wet underwear, but the other one didn't care). But we didn't push it at home, and they didn't push it at daycare, and it waasn't a problem. I agree with the commenter above that says "if the daycare wants to do the heavy lifting, then more power to them!"
What ended up happening for my girls is that the older one completely "trained" herself in a single weekend at age 3 1/2. We just had to be patient and let her decide, "now I'm wearing underwear." (She continued to wear Pull-ups at night for about 6 more months.) Our younger one opted to switch to underwear at age 3, and she did fine with pee from the get-go, but continued to POO in her underwear more often than anyplace else until she was nearly 3 3/4. (yes, this was the teacher that discouraged pullups. This was all well and good when THEY were cleaning her up, but a bit frustrating when it happened at home.)
Anyway, my nonscientific observation is that stay-at-home moms worry about potty training earlier than work-out-of-the home moms, most likely because they're actually having to do all of the work. So maybe my daughters' being 3 before they were potty-trained is due to my laziness, but maybe that's just how they were going to be. I personally wouldn't push it if there is no reason to--but also think it's fine for the daycare to do whatever they are doing.
Posted by: giddy | May 19, 2009 at 08:44 AM
A little o/t, but wetried "Potty Training in 1 Day" with my daughter at 2 years, 3 months, and it was a DISASTER. My friend, a psychologist trained in learning & memory, siad it was great and worked for her son at 2 years 6 months. It was a MISERABLE FAILURE for us. We are taking the 'wait and see' approach and will be doing pantsless afternoons outside this summer. I would never recommend doing that kind of 'forced' potty training. It was a tragedy all the way around.
Posted by: MrsHaley | May 19, 2009 at 08:45 AM
ITA w/ hush and the others who said to let daycare do the heavy lifting. My girl started using the potty at daycare before she was 2 -- our daycare provider's take was that this was S's way to get undivided attention from the big girls, by sitting on the potty and chatting with them (as much as one can chat at 20 months....). Anyway, she was doing that LONG before we did anything potty related at home.
Once she was regularly going all day w/o peeing in a diaper, we started training at home. It went super-quick that way - she was fully trained before she turned 2, to my complete surprise. I never would have even attempted it that early, but we followed her lead at home and it was very clearly what she wanted to do. I thought this was one of the greatest benefits of daycare so far. ;)
Posted by: michaela | May 19, 2009 at 08:52 AM
I've been wondering about this as a friend of mine has her 1 year old sitting on the potty a couple times a day at what she knew to be his pooping schedule and calls it "potty training" but he doesn't walk or talk, so I was kind of like "really? isn't PTing about getting them to learn to tell when they need to go, not just sitting on the pot?" But then, she says she hasn't had to change a poopy diaper in 3 weeks, so maybe she has something here. :)
Posted by: Christiana | May 19, 2009 at 09:02 AM
We had the exact same situation - when Casper started a new daycare at 2 years 3 months, they were already sitting them on the little potties. We switched her to pull-ups at school (because that's what everyone else had) and just let it go. She was pretty much fully-trained by them at school without us doing anything but talking at home. We didn't start doing much at home until maybe 2 years 8 months, and she was all set by about 3 (for pee; pooping was a whole 'nother issue.)
You'd think having dealt with one kid and potty training I would be able to cope with #2, who is now 2 years 10 months and sits on the potty at school (but doesn't pee) and has just starting being willing to sit on the potty at home. I am feeling pressured because they want him trained by the end of the summer at daycare (he turns 3 in July). But he seems to have no awareness of what's going on, has never peed in the potty, and when you take his pants off all he wants to do is play at retracting his foreskin. And then he runs around naked and pees on the carpet. So not ready. But, the pressure from daycare, and it would be so nice to be done with daipers!
Posted by: flea | May 19, 2009 at 09:05 AM
Our daycare does something similar & we were totally lax about any "training" at home (the potty was there & we would ask if Older wanted to try. If not, oh well...). Older progressed to underwear during the day but we always put a diaper/pull-up on for nap at home.
Imagine our surprise when Older came home from school one day and we learned he no longer wore diapers at nap! Younger is now sitting on the potty (age 2.5) and producing about 50% of the time.
As long as daycare isn't pressuring your kid or you in any way (I have always hated the statement "must be potty trained to do X"), more power to them!
Posted by: yasmara | May 19, 2009 at 09:28 AM
Although the Pumpkin isn't in daycare yet, we pretty much do this method at home. In fact, we've been putting her on the potty since she was 10 months old. There is absolutely no pressure on her to go (even still at 26 months. It was always just to make sitting on the potty a normal thing. And like @Christiana says about her friend, we just knew her general pooping schedule so we'd put her on the potty to poop. Way easier than changing poopy diapers.
In my mind, I didn't want to "train" her to go only in a diaper and then 2-3 years down the line say, "Forget what we taught you about going only in your diaper. Now, go only in the potty." My hope is that by her being used to going on the potty it will be easier to do the full transition when we are/she is ready. (If I didn't work out of the house and if we didn't have the boy on the way, I probably would have worked with her more to be out of diapers by now.)
Anyway, I don't think it's a big deal. This just getting them used to the idea of the potty without any pressure has seemed to have been good for my girl and hasn't confused her.
Posted by: caramama | May 19, 2009 at 09:39 AM
THey did that at our (Montessori) preschool, as well. Everyone got used to sitting on the potty. They still used pullups or diapers. They didn't make a fuss about kids who didn't use the potty (they did ask kids to tell them when they needed a change, though).
It didn't seem to hurt anything, increase pressure, or change schedules that I could tell. What it did was allow the opportunity to capture progress as it occurred in a group of kids - so some kids ended up practicing through the leading edge of readiness, which developed confidence and skills. It's more like the Montessori method of Introduce, Practice, Mastery. They're introducing the concept, and practicing it. Mastery will come in its own time with each child, and when it happens may surprise you, or not. Nothing more or less.
It does mean a long slow process, but that's also a gentle process most of the time. Not pressure for you, either - we let them tell US that they were done, for the most part. Usually right around the near-mastery stage, they'd be more interested in paying attention, and would demand we make the change to underwear... or not. Varied by kid. Mainly they told us they were ready, though, and all of them had this approach at daycare/preschool. (and all were trained around 3, girls and boys both, I think. I honestly can't remember very clearly because it was so not a big deal.)
Posted by: hedra | May 19, 2009 at 09:41 AM
My son potty trained so early from the being outside naked all the time trick in the summer. He was a little under two. I didn't mean to do it but when he had a diaper on and told me what was happening at 20 months, I just went for it. Two weeks, a wet accident a day & it was done. He's now 2 1/2 and still wears a diaper to bed but never during the day. I think the pendulum swung in the seventies from the out of diapers by 2 belief to let them go at their own time for two main reasons, one people were getting mad at their kids and pressuring them to potty train and disposables made it a lot easier not to put the effort into potty training them early. My own feelings were that the younger they are the better because it doesn't become an issue, they are so willing to try new things before the big "NO because its the only thing i have control of" reaction, that kicked in in the past 4 months. Every child is very different, it's true. and i don't think i would have had the gumption to try so early, it just seemed silly to tell him to forget the connection between the feeling to go and going.
Posted by: TTS | May 19, 2009 at 09:59 AM
I have nothing of substance to add to what the others are saying, but can't help but mention my friend's daycare is going to do the exact same thing, and my friend's daughter just turned 2 and she and I talked about this during a playdate on Sunday. How funny! I'm sending her the link. Cheers to all.
Posted by: Rudyinparis | May 19, 2009 at 10:27 AM
While we're on the topic, can anyone give me recommendations for books about potty training, or tell me how to get started? My son is 21 months and is definitely not ready, but we should probably start laying the groundwork. And I'm clueless about potty training. Where do I start?
I should probably start by getting a potty chair... :)
Posted by: Ann | May 19, 2009 at 10:32 AM
So many people say that boys are harder to potty train and I think that it effects the outcome. If you expect something to be harder, it will be. With our 2 yr old, I started potty training her at 23 months, I wanted her to be familiar with the potty/toilet. Her Mothers Day Out did nothing, which was fine. At 25 months, she's been wearing panties all day, just not a night.
Posted by: Jemellia | May 19, 2009 at 10:59 AM
We have the opposite problem. Our girl just turned 2. She has basically potty trained herself. I swear it's the only milestone that she didn't meet head on with a battle! For the past 2 months she has been in underwear only during the day with very few accidents.
Our daycare (she goes twice a week) is almost irritatingly relaxed about potty training. They rarely put her on the potty, and just assume that some day it'll click for her at school and she'll start asking to go. Until then, they'll keep her in pull ups while at school so she doesn't come home with THREE bags of wet and dirty clothes each day... ish!
I was worried that the 2 different scenarios would be confusing, but she just keeps on peeing in the potty at home and in her pull up at school. Like Moxie said, they tend to figure out the rules for school vs. home pretty quickly. Smart little buggers!
Posted by: ruby | May 19, 2009 at 11:51 AM
Daycare has been putting DS on the potty since he was 2 yrs, 9 months. We ignored it completely until he turned three, then ignored it a little more and it didn't interfere at home at all. Finally, at 3yrs, 2 months, we put him in undies and after two weeks of peeing in his pants, he is potty trained. i think the familiarity with the potty helped and he never made it an issue at home. Daycare potties are often pint-sized and he knows other potties are bigger so he never asked to go to the potty at home, since it wasn't like the potty at school. Peer pressure is big and this helped him *want* to go potty eventually. Make sure the daycare people are treating his body with respect (is anyone allowed to put him on or, like at my school, just the head teacher at first?) and do they teach him to pull his own pants up and down? Body respect was a big deal for me, moreso than the pushing potty training.
Posted by: rebecca | May 19, 2009 at 11:55 AM
We have the exact same scenario, and do basically what Moxie suggested. At first, he was really keen on potty time, but after the novelty wore off, he got less interested.
We're now trying to figure out how to get him potty-trained for real over the summer so he'll be able to go to the preschool in fall (he turns 3 at the end of august).
I've heard a long naked weekend outside in the back yard with lots of lemonade is a great way to go. ;)
Posted by: Tzipporah | May 19, 2009 at 12:11 PM
@Ruby--My daughter was basically out of diapers at home pretty early (before two), or, if not out of diapers, often out of diapers or using the potty anyway. But daycare could not handle it. They acted like they could, but they couldn't. But around 28 months, she switched to the next age room, and she was potty trained in a week. She just needed a room that could handle it. This doesn't help your problem, of course, but I understand the frustration.
Posted by: Brooke | May 19, 2009 at 12:40 PM
As much as I love love love my son's daycare provider, I imagine that not having the group potty training at a center will be a definite minus for the home care setting when it comes time to get him started. He's only 16 months so we obviously have quite a bit of time but peer pressure is fantastic when it's time to pee like a big boy.
Posted by: Summertime | May 19, 2009 at 01:00 PM
Another chime for an early potty trained boy...*he* was ready before *I* was ready, and was completely potty trained by 2 yrs 5 months. For me, I was dragging my feet the whole time. Diapers are so much easier than the "Do you need to use the potty before we leave" debate. It is possible for boys to train early. Don't stress about it at home, follow his lead. He'll let you know when he's ready. And if they want to do the heavy lifting/consistency thing at daycare, by all means, let them!
Posted by: Julie | May 19, 2009 at 01:12 PM
We are in the same situation without 2 year, 8 month son - he "tries" the potty at daycare and we do very little reinforcement at home. (We do have "his" potty, so he occasionally "goes potty" by sitting on a closed potty with his clothes on...)
My mother is coming on a 5-day vacation with us in August and has volunteered to do more intensive training then. I might take her up on it, since I'm lazy.
Posted by: Rebecca | May 19, 2009 at 01:15 PM
My son's daycare did this and it was fine. There was no shaming, no pressure to "produce". Each kid had to "check for pee" at these times, it was part of the daily routine.
Many were still in dipes at this age, and many (like my dear boy) were not ready to potty train right then and there, but it did help him get used to the mechanics and made this slow-to-adapt-to-new-things boy comfortable and accepting the potty. I never followed through at home until it was clear that he was trying and wanted to start working on it.
Posted by: PumpkinMama | May 19, 2009 at 01:17 PM
Another vote for not stressing about it. It's what they do at our daycare, too, and I'm quite sure nobody's damaged by it.
My boy was pretty much done daytime training by 2.3ish, with a little extra encouragement needed for poop-training.
I'm in the camp of not understanding why people would wait so long (I seriously doubt that children are physically unable to potty train so much longer now than in our generation AND in other parts of the world), but he's your kid. If you don't care about having him trained now, you're under no obligation to continue the training at home.
I could be totally projecting, but it almost sounds like a control issue for you. Is it that you're really bothered by the potty training, or is it that you're bothered by it not being your choice to do it now? I'm not sure what you do if it's the latter, but it seems like it might be a useful question to ask yourself.
Posted by: Jan | May 19, 2009 at 01:22 PM
Just data point info here - our school kind of pushed the issue shortly before my son was three, because his teacher was pregnant and going on mat leave and they wanted him to have a chance to make the transition with the teacher he was bonded with.
(By the way, Mrs. R., who worked on potty learning with my son while 7-8 mos pregnant? You rule.)
Anyways, we weren't ready but we'd had a potty around for a while and we moved it to a more prominent location in the bathroom and also got a toilet ring, which my son ended up preferring.
Their method was to go full-out to underwear except for naps. Other than the wetness/mess, there was no pressure from the school.
We had to go buy extra pants as well as underwear. Oh and socks and shoes... heh. Anyways. We grumbled about the school setting the schedule. We were nervous that the wet/mess in the pants was borderline shaming. It didn't bother my son too much, and in two weeks he was done except for nighttime (my son's not ready for that yet and is approaching 4).
My son really was close enough to ready that I'm not sure, in retrospect, what else we were waiting for. It wasn't how we would have done it ourselves but it was truly okay.
Posted by: Shandra | May 19, 2009 at 01:27 PM
@Christiana: EC is elimination communication. Google it. fasciniting stuff to me; although i didn't get it to work b/c i started too late?
could be Moxie archived as well.
Posted by: sarah | May 19, 2009 at 01:49 PM
@Jan, I think there's a certain amount of goal post moving in the philosophy of waiting until they're older. Based on what Naomi mentions upthread, there's an idea that you shouldn't even start the process until the child is ready to be *fully* independent including always knowing when to go, handling clothes him/herself, etc. I know I've read that training before that point is "parent training not real independence"...whereas in many places a child who can communicate the need, verbally or non-verbally, and sit on the potty and produce with a parent's assistance is considered ready to be out of diapers. For myself, I think I'd much rather have trained earlier and had her need assistance for a while (hindsight being 20/20) than waited until 2.9 which was when we did it. YMMV of course.
Posted by: Charisse | May 19, 2009 at 02:15 PM
My daughter is 20 months and has started (in the last couple of weeks) to copy the toddlers who use the potty at her daycare (2 days a week). Last week she came home covered in stickers for the wees she had been doing in the potty.
This made me think that I should actively encourage it a bit more at home since she seemed to be doing so well at nursery (I hadn't planned on potty training until the summer months).
So far, we have only had couple of wee accidents. The main sticking point seems to be the poos (ha ha). Although, having said that, this evening she came running to the potty saying 'wee wee potty' sat down ad did a big poo in the potty (which shocked her a bit).
I am worried that she is too young but she does seem to be really enjoying sitting on the potty and peeing. She does, however, sit on it very regularly and some wees are microscopic but she smiles and cheers even at the little bits. She also woke up from her nap dry today. So surely that shows bladder control?!?!
Is 20 months too early? - I feel I am taking her lead but we have both been influenced by daycare somewhat.
Also - does anyone know - should I be reminding her to go or waiting for her to 'feel' that she needs to go? She doesn't really ask but does sit on it often for the cheers she gets.
Posted by: sam | May 19, 2009 at 02:23 PM
I love potty training conversations! We've done the lazy man's version of EC (elimination communication) with our girls, and it's amazing how much they can do at a young age. DD1 put 90% of her pees in the pot from ages 8-12 months, then decided that she'd rather walk then sit on the potty, so we quit with that for a while (wish we hadn't, though - I thought she "wasn't ready", but we're doing the same things now that we were a year ago). We had her sit on a little potty when we thought she might have to go and taught her the sign language for potty, and she'd hold it until we gave her the chance to go. DD2 is now 6 months old. At around 4 months, I was doing a good job of paying attention and we had a little streak where ALL of her poo and pee was going in the potty (or bathroom sink designated as "potty", actually). I'd hold her over the sink and say "psspss," and she'd go if she had to. Then I got lazy again, and now it all goes in the dipes. **Sigh...**
The readiness theory was the brainchild of Dr. Brazelton back in the late 60s or thereabouts. His thought was that now that we had disposable diapers, we could wait until kids were more developmentally "ready" to train, rather than train the traditional way. I think his theories had something to do with nerve myelinization or something, that it didn't happen until a certain age... anyway, we now know that the basis of his theory - the nerve development stuff. (Sorry I can't explain it better; not much of a scientist here.) At any rate, Dr. Brazelton recommended waiting to start toilet training until - drum roll, please - EIGHTEEN MONTHS, which was a significant delay from when people had begun before (in infancy, generally).
Anyway. A little off-topic there, but just to say that it's not going to hurt your child to sit on the potty a few times at day care, even if he doesn't seem interested. It's a great way to get him familiar with the concept, and if you want to ignore it at home? No big deal. And at some point in the next year or so, you'll probably decide that you're ready to train him, and (probably) not having to go through an "but I'm scared of the potty" phase, because he's used to the idea of the potty, will be priceless.
Posted by: Meika | May 19, 2009 at 02:46 PM
Also, another vote here for _Diaper Free before 3_, by Jill Lekovic. It's fantastic.
Posted by: Meika | May 19, 2009 at 02:47 PM
I totally agree with Moxie, big surprise there! I think letting the preschool do the introductions and repetition of potty training begins to lay the foundation for your son and creates a dialog for you and your son when he does shows signs of readiness.
He will have had the experience of knowing what his body is supposed to do and because his peers are doing the same thing it shows him that everyone does this and he can too. When he does show signs of interest, and he probably will show signs earlier as a result of this experience, you get to be pretty neutral about it and let him take the lead.
When a parent is really neutral about potty training the child senses it and it becomes his desire to proceed not a place where he and his parent get into power struggles and testing. Parental neutrality also leads to shortened training times and far less emotional struggles.
I actually think you have the best of all worlds going on here. I think if you just smile and nod you'll be fine.
Posted by: Sharon aka Mommie Mentor | May 19, 2009 at 02:54 PM
They did this same thing at our daycare in the Toddler room (it's an 18mo to 3yr class). Luckily, there are no requirements that the child be trained when they leave that room, because my son *just* wore underwear to school for the first time today (he turned four on Sunday). We would try to follow through at home, and while he had the ability to control his evacuation (as evidenced on pants-free days), he had no interest whatsoever and trying to force the issue was awful.
In a nutshell, you may or may not get an early trainer with the daycare's efforts, but it won't harm the process as long as they are not forceful about it.
Posted by: Jenn (dish) | May 19, 2009 at 03:25 PM
Ann,
I never got a potty seat. Just by making sure my child's arm strength was good, (through normal play and climbing on the jungle gym etc.), I knew he could support his own weight on a regular toilet seat; no problem at all, never fell in or anything :)
His daycare also has the same situation as the original questioner starting at around 2 yrs old. He trained over a 3-day long (very looooong for my husband and I!!!) weekend in January when he was 2 yrs 8 month. The awesome person at his school reminded me that "trained" can still mean 3 or so accidents in a day, for about the first few days, and that is what happened. About two months later, after noticing that the diaper he wore overnight was dry for more than a week, we took away the diaper at night.
Great tip someone gave me for when training overnight: If your child is in his/her own bed, buy two mattress pads/covers (whatever you prefer). Put the pad/cover on, then a sheet, then ANOTHER pad/cover and another sheet. That way, if in the middle of the night you need to change the sheets, you can just peel off a layer. This helped a lot when my child was just really sleepy; I didn't have to look around for new bedding or my husband peeled it off while I took our child to the toilet to finish...
Posted by: &BabyMakes75 | May 19, 2009 at 04:53 PM
We're in the middle of potty training at our house, too. My son is 20 months old and He's doing awesome. Sure, there's a few accidents a week but so much better than diapers. I wasn't crazy about potty training "early" but I also have a 4 month old who is only going to get more active and changing poopy diapers X2 kids day after day WORE. ME. OUT.
The poop presents learned here sealed the deal on the poop!
I say embrace the potty training. It's no different than any other annoying/trying/time consuming phase...this too shall pass.
For the orginal poster: My friend's daughter (almost 3) was in the same situation as your child and was completely potty trained at daycare but would not go at home. Finally, my friend told her daughter if she didn't pee her pants at school, she couldn't do it at home. Worked like a charm. She's now potty trained and my friend really didn't do a thing.
Posted by: CrazyMama | May 19, 2009 at 09:11 PM
Data point on the early training for boys thing: I tried early potty training with my son when he began walking, around 12-13 months, and it didn't take. A friend whose twin girls had poop-trained at about 9 months told me to focus on the poop and the pee would follow on its own schedule. And to be consistent. Unfortunately, DS had a lot of diarrhea around then, some of it juice induced . . . and the whole process became a huge stressor for us. Around this time, I heard the idea that boys tend to glom on to one thing and practice it to death, while girls tend to be more flexible about learning multiple things at once. I have a knee-jerk reaction against this kind of boy/girl declared difference, but in DS's case, it did seem to be true: he wanted to practice walking for months, and not much else was interesting. So we had some success with peeing after naps and in the morning, but nothing that took or was worth the continued stress.
Now that pooping's normalized (and preceded more obvious signs), I'm considering the potty training again, but keep coming to the conclusion that it's insane to try anything of the sort until he's sleeping through the motherfrakking night.
(Really, I'm getting tired of poop and pee talk, but I have a long road ahead of me . . .)
Posted by: Schwa de Vivre | May 19, 2009 at 10:41 PM
They do the same thing at our daycare, starting from 1. Then at 18 months they are in pants instead of diapers. I did nothing at home except buy a stool so he could get to the toilet if he wanted, and soon he did. At 22 months my son was day trained and at 25 months he was night trained too. I did buy him a pack of underwear he could choose himself right before he was day trained, I think that helped.
Posted by: medea | May 19, 2009 at 11:37 PM
I agree don't believe everything you hear about boys & toilet training, ds was ready before I was, he figured it out in 2 days, from seeing his older cousin on the potty, both wee and poo. He was dry at night for the 1st week, but hasn't been lately so he wears a cloth nappy. He is dry for naps. After a week we switched him to the toilet, no problems, fully trained by 2 years 1 month :)
Posted by: Chrissy | May 20, 2009 at 02:43 AM
I like Sharon's take on the peer issue - it is really just understanding that everyone does this, not 'peer pressure' (in that everyone must do the same thing at the same time in the same way or be labeled out-group).
I was told that 'peer pressure' would seal the deal with Mr G. I laughed, but let them try. No deal. He chose when he chose, and trained in one day when he did. He's never been influenced by peer pressure in any way. In fact, when I did try to get him to try using the potty 'like his cousin' when he was 3, he stopped, looked at me for a moment, and then asked, 'Mom, do you really want me to do things just because someone else does them?' Seriously. You can imagine how fast I backpedaled on that one! No no no, dear, you use the potty whenever you are ready. It's up to you...
Yoiks.
So, just saying that the idea that everyone uses the potty is fine - peer experience, perhaps - but peer 'pressure' is a no-fly-zone around here.
Posted by: hedra | May 20, 2009 at 09:52 AM
They do this at my son's school and he could care less about training. He is 3 years and 2 months but had/has some developmental/speech delays that have delayed "normal" potty training. He will sit on the potty at home and at school but he will not go. If I know he has to go (after waking up dry, for example) he refuses to sit on the potty and gets very upset if I try and force him. So I have backed off.
After what I went through with his developmental delays and worrying about him having a spectrum disorder this seems pretty insignificant. I figure every adult I know wears underwear - so hopefully at some point before Kindergarten my son will pick it up. I dunno - maybe I am just lazy. I just figure that when he is ready he will do it and any worrying or obsessing about it until then is wasted energy.
Posted by: Michelle | May 20, 2009 at 05:33 PM
Thanks for everyone's input. I haven't really been stressing about it, just curious how others have handled it. I am going to wait for an indication that he's interested in it (or even knows what's going on) before proceeding. As stubborn as he can be ("No! Thomas do it!"), I'm sure one day I can act like he needs my help, which will then make him want to prove me wrong...
Posted by: Jenny | May 20, 2009 at 08:25 PM
I have been trying with my son (now 25 months) and he just didn't get it. No matter what approach we took and length of time trying to let him run around naked or in undies to begin to understand the feeling. Kids just develop these sensibilities at their own pace like everything else. I wouldn't expect other kids his age to have the same development exactly in any other realm. Potty training is not all about how you do it and it seems that many parents forget on this topic.
I guess I think the advice is great, but seriously, the same thing will never work for every child just because it worked brilliantly for one. They do have to be aware of things, and my son is far too interested in all the exciting other discoveries and interests to notice that he's peeing on the floor! :)
It's great to try, but IMO not a good idea to push it on a kid who doesn't take to it in any way.
Posted by: Anoncomment | May 21, 2009 at 12:24 PM
My son's daycare did the same thing, and it was great, because it got him interested in potty training before we even thought about it. He had all the readiness signs at exactly 2 and a half, and he wanted to do it. We loosely followed the "potty train in 1 day" advice and it took 3 days.
He was ready though, we didn't push it on him. And I do think the gentle introduction the school did(2 years - 2 1/2 yrs) helped.
Posted by: nomer | May 22, 2009 at 11:06 PM
Most day care systems have a sure shot way for potty training. But just make sure that they don't pressurize him in anyway. Otherwise I am sure that you are good!
Posted by: potty training nanna | June 01, 2009 at 02:43 PM
The 2 room at our daycare does the same thing. We've had a little potty at home since he was 15 months old, but largely ignored the whole issue unless he asked to use the potty (rarely).
Well lo and behold at 25 months he started reliably going pee when asked to. At 26 months daycare informed us that he was always dry at diaper change time and that he needed big boy underwear. He is reliably dry at daycare at 27 months. At home he has started to tell us he needs to go pee pee (we don't always get to the potty on time) and for the last 5 days all his poops have been in the potty.
Pretty much no effort from me.
I say, let daycare do its thing!!!
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Posted by: Hal Mondierzf | July 17, 2012 at 08:32 AM
There are a number of ways to train a new puppy. Of the two most popualr, only crate training offers literally the best of all worlds. The reason is that you use the basic instincts of the animal to your advantage.Housebreaking a new puppy is the only way you can reliably allow your pet to live in the house without it turning into a smelling dog bathroom. This is why the newspapers on the floor in the bathroom is NOT a good idea. Nothing that encourages your pet to relieve himself anywhere inside the home is a good idea. The piddle pads, newspapers etc. idea is based on the concept that you should have a place for the dog to go while limiting their inside access. While this is not the best option, if you don't have access to any outdoors area, this may be the only way to limit puppies bathroom potty business to one area of the house.The absolute best thing you can do for your new pup is to give him a place of his own. We're not talking fancy doghouse here but just somewhere that he can feel safe and secure . a dog crate is the perfect place for them.A dog crate limits puppy access to the rest of the house when you're not watching. This is important especially when first housebreaking him. Next, it offers your puppy a place to call his own. Oftentimes all the new smells and activities are simply overwhelming to a little puppy and they need to be secure and comfortable. Having a dog crate that is a place he can call home will make everyones life much easier. The reason is that when a pack animal like a dog recognizes a den or his home they don't relieve themselves in it. They're interested in keeping thier place as clean as possible and soiling it is only by accident. Crate training allows for effective control of your pup until such time as they have good control of their bowels and understand that the right place to go to the bathroom is outside!So crate training is based on your dogs natural instincts while piddle pads and newspapers encourage the pup to go in the very place where you don't want them to go, namely inside your home. Potty training for puppy dogs is best done using the crate training method to keep your pup from becoming confused
Posted by: Mtreelaaxx | July 27, 2012 at 07:31 AM