Q&A: child crying for one parent but not the other

My almost-4-year-old has changed his name from Master Yoda to Darth Vader. I just thought you should know.

Anita writes:

"My grandson is 2 yrs and 8 months.  He was a 2 lb. 4 oz. preemie at birth but has done amazing with no health problems. He eats well, goes to bed easily and sleeps well and is a fairly happy little boy.  My daughter and her husband have been separated for a year.  My grandson stays one week with his dad, then one week with his mom.  He goes to a church daycare everyday while his parents work and has since he was about 4 months old. 

Our only problem with him is the following.  When it is my daughter's week to have him - he goes to daycare fine, but when she arrives to pick him up, he starts crying and doesn't want to go with her.  This has been going on for about 6 months now.  She had to just pick him up and carry him out, which is embarrassing for her.  Once they are in the car, he is fine.  He does not cry like this when his dad picks him up.  What could be the problem?  My daughter spends quality time with him in the evenings and on the weekends they go to the park and other fun things, which he enjoys.  We just can't figure out why he cries when she picks him up.  Any suggestions?"

You know what truly sucks about divorce? No one gets the benefit of the doubt. When a couple is happy together, neither parent has to worry about what happens if a child gets a bruise or scrape, or goes to bed an hour later one night. And things like this, in which the child cries for one parent but not the other, can just be taken as phases or temporary preferences, and no one thinks much of them. But because the parents are separated, it becomes almost a competition (even if you don't want it to be), and someone's always worried about something.

There could be any number of reasons he cries when she picks him up. Maybe she isn't giving him as much warning as he needs that they're going to leave the daycare. Some kids at this age really need a lot of transition time and multiple reminders that they're about to stop doing one activity and move on to another one. So she could try giving a longer series of warnings before they leave so he gets eased out of the daycare and into the car with her.

She could also try creating a ritual inside the car so he has something fun to go to immediately after leaving the daycare. Even though they have fun in the evening, it may be too long for him to keep that in his head. So he's upset about leaving his friends and the fun of the daycare, but doesn't have anything immediately fun to do instead. Creating some kind of immediate, in-the-car fun ritual (like singing along to a goofy song, or making funny faces at each other, or eating three gummy bears, or any kind of silly thing like that) will give him something to think about going to, instead of just being sad he has to leave the daycare.

Has your daughter talked to the daycare providers about the crying? Since they're with him all day long they may be able to offer some insight about anything different that happens at pickup time that may be causing him to cry for your daughter but not for his dad.

Have any readers going through consistent crying at daycare or preschool pickup? If so, what did you do to resolve it?

Comments

[Cloud]

I read somewhere that some times kids cry when their parent shows up to pick them up from day care because they are so overwhelmed with emotions they've been holding in all day and they just let them out when the parent gets there. I *think* I may have read about this in Playful Parenting (by Lawrence Cohen), but I can't remember for certain.

He could be crying for your daughter and not her ex because mommy is the one he runs too for comfort. I know that if my daughter is crying, she generally wants me, not Hubby.

My daughter went through a phase of throwing a fit when we left day care when she was about 18 months old. I started a routine, where we sat on the floor at day care and had a snack before we left, and that helped. I figured it was giving her time to reconnect with me before I put her in the car for the drive home. We still do this (she's just over 2 years old now). I occasionally still suffer through a fit when we leave, but anymore, that is because she wants to keep playing on the playground and I am making her leave.

[Mommy-O]

I have to agree with Cloud. If I drop my son off at daycare he cries but he doesn't if my husband drops him off. He also cries when I pick him up. I sometimes think the crying at pick up time is a sign of relief, like "oh good, you came".

Talking to the daycare providers, looking at pictures on the wall while slowly moving towards the door can all help with the leaving process.

The good thing is that it seems that your grandson is happy at the daycare.

[Mommy, Esq.]

I was worried when I would come home from work and my twins would cry when they saw me (they are home with a nanny). Many other moms reassured me that it was normal since the kids feel safest with me and sometimes transitions aren't easy. I would consider seeing if the daycare can give him some quiet time right before her daugther picks her son up. Maybe story time and she can read a second story before packing him up so it is an easier transition.

[Kinky]

My 9-month-old goes through phases of wailing the moment I walk in the door from work. I take it to mean, "I'm so happy to see you, I can't believe it's been so long, I need a hug and snuggle and nurse right away to reconnect with you" even though it doesn't sound like that to non-mommy ears.

[Eva]

My son went through something very similar around the same age. He had nothing like it with my husband. I found it really embarassing and felt like I had to explain that he wasn't scared of me...
I don't really know why it happened, but I started a "car snack" to look forward to and did my best to ignore it. We've since moved on to other annoying habits.

[Shandra]

It's sooo normal. Not only has my son done it on and off, I see other moms at my daycare dealing with this.

And weirdly it does mostly seem to be the moms that have to deal with it and not so much the dads.

The car snack helps us the days that my son doesn't want to leave, and we have a race we run around the building too. But I think the most important thing for your daughter to know is that it isn't necessarily a sign of anything larger than - whatever it is that makes the kids do this. :)

[Charisse]

Yes, definitely several phases like this during the 4 1/2 years Mouse has now been in daycare/preschool (she just turned 5). Most prominent when switching to a new care around around the normal fussy times. Hello, 2 1/2!!. What I remember of Mouse from that fussy stage was her throwing fits because she had figured out how to do some things, like put on her own jacket, and I would still try to help her. Developmentally, she didn't understand that I *didn't know* that she could now do it herself, and she was furious that I would step on her new skill. Any chance mom does more for the boy at pickup than dad does? Maybe the son has a new ability and is frustrated but can't express that complexity quite yet. But has anyone asked the kid why he's sad? He's old enough to at least try to say. Could be too that he really likes school and he doesn't want to give up whatever he's doing, maybe he's comfortable expressing that to one parent more than the other...maybe the carseat in the mom's car isn't his favorite color. Maybe he's moved up to a new room and is tired or processing? ...

So I would say, talk to the young man, maybe in the car after the immediate freakout is over, and see if you can find out what made him so sad or mad. If you think he might not have names for different emotions yet, there are some really cute books out there (the series is "When I'm Sad" and "When I Miss You" and "When I'm Mad" I think...and there are more, including positive ones) that can help.

[momgawaga]

My nearly 2 yo daughter also does this with me periodically (depending upon where she is emotionally re: separation anxiety), but not with my husband. In fact, this is one of the primary reasons he does drop-off & I do pick-up! I've been shocked that I've had to explain to her daycare providers that this is normal, and that, in fact, I don't really appreciate it when they offer to take her home instead
My mother's best friend owned a daycare when I was a child (and which I attended, actually), and she always attributed these dropoff/pickup meltdowns to a normal release of emotions.

[TodayWendy]

My daughter, who is about 2.5, totally melts down when I come to get her from daycare. We're talking throwing herself on the floor and going completely boneless when I try to pick her up, and begging to stay at daycare. Strangely, when I'm there early to get her she is perfectly content to leave, and when she had a minor accident just before I arrived last week she was super happy to see me. I think it is a combination of her not wanting to leave (she needs a lot of time for transitions and end of the day at her daycare is a bit chaotic), and a touch of me being tired & grumpy at the end of the day. She really seems to pick up on my mood.

I know things generally go better if I get myself psyched up on my way over. If I'm really happy and excited to see her, things sometimes go more smoothly (same thing at bedtime, when I'm happy and relaxed and letting myself enjoy the snuggle before she goes to sleep she'll often send me away when she's ready to sleep).

[Carrie]

My son used to do that at the gym daycare. It was so embarassing to have to chase him down and force him to go with me. I started offering him a bag of fruit snacks for the car and that stopped it. He doesn't cry any more. Thankfully we didn't have the divorce not-crying-for-dad side of things to deal with. My son was also about 2 1/2 to 3 when the crying was at the peak. These days he is 3 1/2 and is happy to see me even if I don't have a bag of fruit snacks for him.

[Kate]

My daughter never wants to leave daycare. I don't think it has anything to do with me - it's that she's having fun, and would like to keep having fun. My solution is that I don't rush the leaving process. I let her play and have fun and ask her every couple of minutes if she's ready to go home. She is always delighted to see me and runs over, but I think she would have a very different reaction if I dragged her out of there right away. It probably takes us about 20 minutes to get out of there, with me essentially playing with her at daycare, and then she'll leave without a problem. My husband does more or less the same thing. The teachers don't care as long as she's our responsibility once we arrive.

Separation anxiety in the morning, though, is impossible for us - she always cries when we drop her off, unless we arrive right before breakfast time - she's a great eater - in which case I'm fantastically late for work.

[Nutmeg]

I'm with cloud also.

My son who is a little younger, but about the same age freaks OUT when I come to pick him up. Sometimes he's happy to see me but doesn't want to leave, even after we play a little and talk about leaving and have the whole car ritual also. Sometimes, as soon as he sees me he runs the other way and pretends I'm not even there. (that is just usually when they are outside or in their indoor gym)

I am interpreting his melting down as his way of saying "Oh my god, Mamma.. I've been so stressed all day and I have been keeping myself together and you are finally here and now I can totally fall apart and I know you will love me and it is safe to kick and scream and cry with you around because I know it is O.K. to let me emotions show for you."

That's not to say that the grandson's Dad doesn't also have a loving, caring connection with his son and that the son doesn't feel safe with dad, but that it's not a BAD thing that it happens with mom.

It sucks, honestly, and I hate picking him up every day, I just wish he could suddenly arrive at my house. Since the parents generally arrive in the same order, the kids know when they are going to get picked up, and usually when I arrive I am told that he's been crying for me for awhile, eagerly anticipating my arrival, and they've had to comfort him and calm him. But as soon as I show up, he doesn't want to leave and cries and screams.

So, just saying, this doesn't seem abnormal to me. Just unpleasant.

[Bella]

This is so TOTALLY normal and oftentimes happens more with moms than dads. Developmental psychologists call it "reunion distress" (as opposed to "separation distress). It often involves full-out crying and anger and rejection of the parent. And it often happens with the healthiest, happiest, well-attached kids. It's almost like the kids suddenly realize: YOU WEREN'T HERE. They don't think about it until you're right there in front of them again and then they want to just protest "why the hell did you leave me?!?!" And this might be the case even though they had a perfectly happy, peaceful, easy time at daycare.

Happens to me every time I leave for (however short) a business trip. When I return, inevitably one of my boys is sulky and mad at me and often cries when I want to pick him up. After seeing this many times, I've stopped taking it personally, try to give him his space, and hug him to pieces as soon as he'll let me. I think the hardest part is having OTHER people watch this kind of reunion (I even get freaked out and embarrassed sometimes when my husband witnesses it because it's so instinctual for me to feel like my child's anger is because he doesn't like me right now or is angry at me for abandoning him).

I also think 2.5 is a rough age for separations and reunions. I think all the distraction tactics other commenters and moxie have suggested are great. Maybe also trying to reflect back to the child how he might be feeling may also help to dissipate the distress because he might feel better understood. Something like saying: Are you feeling mad that mommy wasn't here fast enough? Mommy's finally here! Where has she been? etc.

[Jessica]

Do they pick up at the exact same time of day? At my son's school, at the end of the day they start to consolidate the kids that are left as teachers go home and they move everyone into different rooms. I almost always pick my son up before this transition happens and he is always fine when we leave because he is in his regular room and everything is winding down for the day. But my husband picks him up just 15 mins later and by that time they have moved into a different room, his main teacher is leaving/just left, he is in with older kids and a male teacher he admires and is also in a room with different/better toys and he never wants to leave. D has to give him lots of warning and still he usually freaks out because in his mind, he just got to the big kid room and who wants to leave there and go home and get dinner?

D is used to it, but on the rare occasion that I am late, I am always stunned by how much difference 15 minute makes regarding his daycare exit. I think talking to the teachers about what is different about the transitions is a great idea and could provide a lot of insight.

[M]

I am horrible. I keep a bag of Skittles in the car (the pocket on the driver's side door) and offer them to him if he will comes with me happily.

We use this to get out of the house in the AM and then to get him to come with me after preschool is over. It might be bribary, but I do believe that is the easiest route in some cases.

[meggiemoo]

Totally normal...we've gone through lots of different stages...the freakout at drop-off stage, the freakout at pick-up stage. Now our DS hides when we show up. Don't ask me why. As a baby, he cried the entire ride home in the car, but hadn't cried all day at daycare. He was releasing all that stress in a comfortable place. We're their soft place to land...

I generally smooth either transition with a snack or drink. If the weather's good, we walk home or play at a nearby playground for a longer transition. I've found that 1 or 2 jellybeans "found" in my pocket in the morning goes a long way. Yes, it's sugar, but not that much...

[Cloud]

@M- our routine involves a cereal bar, which really, if you read its label, is only a small step above candy. Just about all the moms I know at day care have some sort of food in their leaving day care routine. I wouldn't stress about it.

I forgot to say in my original comment that Pumpkin always leaves day care easier with Hubby than with me, even when we're in a "leaves happily" phase. We've considered switching our schedule (he does drop off, I do pick up), but she's more likely to melt down if I'm the one dropping off, too.

Also, I have had to do the "walk of shame" of leaving day care with a screaming, kicking toddler trying to wriggle out of my arms. I know, it is really embarrassing. But we go to a pretty big day care center, and I started noticing the number of mothers doing the same thing. Or dealing with meltdowns in the car. I think it happens to everyone eventually.

[akeeyu]

Yeah, I think Cloud nailed it.

Our girls have very strong parental preferences. Fitz-Hume is my little limpet, Millbarge gloms onto Sam at every opportunity.

When Sam gets home from work, Millbarge pitches a wall eyed fit and screams at Sam. When I get home from work, Fitz-Hume stages a full scale melt down, frequently while glaring at me like I am the biggest asshole on the planet.

It's kind of annoying, but it is what it is, I guess.

[AM]

I go through this with my son who will be 3 in June. My son's dad and I have been separated for 6 months but haven't got on a strict co-parenting schedule yet; but are aiming to transition him to something similar to your daughter's. It is embarrassing sometimes, but my son has been consistent in not wanting to leave daycare and even going as far as holding up his hand and saying "mama, stop and please go"! What does he do when dad picks him up? Runs smiling into dad's arms! I chaulk it up to the fact that I pick him up more than dad does, that I use public transit which means my time for lingering at daycare upon pick up is limited (although I do make efforts to get there in time that we can play for 15 minutes or so before leaving), etc. It's hard not to read into this and also due to the martial situation, competitive. But I am just glad that he is happy to see his dad (even if I'm not happy to see his dad, LOL). It's an interesting age, and Moxie is right, divorce makes you read into everything and be worried about all reactions and behaviours. Mama guilt for me big time.

[&BabyMakes75]

Oh those guilt-inducing tears and tantrums... yes I'm sorry to say that I relate. I'm also sorry to report that it lasted most of the year that my son was age 2-3, often ending in the car seat struggle with me almost in tears, too. Stickers helped for a little while, as in upon pickup I'd say, "guess what surprise is in the car for you?" and it would be a favorite sticker or three. I also discovered that he was quite hungry at pick up time so I also gave him a small snack, too (cheese stick, o cereal in a small container etc.) and that helped for a time... My son's day care provider mentioned it at conference time how different my son reacted to when husband/father picked up from the power struggles that ensued when I picked up.

But there is good news. We rarely encounter anything like that this year. Yay!

Hang in there and try not to take it personally.

[Jessica]

I just wanted to add my voice to the crowd of, "yes it happens to us, yes, it's totally normal." I second all the stuff about having a routine, preferably involving food. We also do new library books as well.

Our son's teacher helped by giving him a routine in the classroom before leaving and offering stickers as rewards for holding it together when I came. Eventually he calmed down.

My guess is that it is more of a problem for your daughter, who is probably all over the emotional map with the divorce, than for your grandson. It is hard enough without divorce in the picture to handle rejection from your child. If she is feeling this way she might need to talk it through.

[michelle g]

@Meggiemoo- my daughter always hides when I pick her up from preschool. Playful, but annoying, because she won't let the hiding game go and is particularly stuck on hiding if we need to leave quickly. Last week I did something silly that stopped this, at least for the moment. I walked into her classroom and did a really loud stage whisper "NOBODY TELL [DD's name] THAT I AM HERE. I AM HIDING AND SNEAKING TO GET HER LUNCHBOX!" and she jumped out gleefully and "caught" me.

@Anita- seriously, I think this stuff is just a normal phase. What worked best for us is to remain as calm and loving as possible, but to be firm and still leave. There is NO WAY we can get into the hang-out-for-an-extra-20-minutes-and-have-a-snack just to get out of the daycare without crying. Our commute is such that we already have a tough time getting to bedtime at a reasonable hour.

Also, I know many people would disagree with this philosophy and think I am blaming the Mom unfairly, but how about the idea that kids at 2.5-3 years old are FAMOUS for test-driving fits, power struggles and other forms of (basically) manipulative behavior? And maybe this child has realized he's getting some type of interpersonal power by bugging out at the same time every day? Perhaps Dad doesn't get this treatment because he has a different emotional connection and the kid does different things to pull his chain.

Either way, I might try consistently not giving attention for the fit behavior and then powerfully praising times when DS "uses his words instead of crying and hitting". I remember going all out with the anti-fit propaganda, making up ridiculous bedtime stories to mirror the behavioral changes I wanted to see. The consistency helped and the change to a silly attitude helped.

[Sara]

I haven't had pick-up issues, but have experienced the "reunion distress," and it's very one-sided despite us still being together.

My son is always thrilled to see his dad, especially in the morning because my husband is usually at work before E wakes up. But he often seems to have mixed feelings about being reunited with me, which I think is partly because he has stronger emotions around me (with my husband it's more straightforward playful happiness, with me it's the full gamut of deep joy, anger, sadness, frustration, etc.). Most of my mom friends with similar-age kids (just turned 3) also say their child has more tantrums with the mom, but also runs to mom for emotional comfort, not dad.

I would chime in that it's not just in divorced families that these differences can get "blamed" on one parent or the other. There's plenty of that going on in our household! We all need someone (a grandparent would be great) to tell us to be easier on ourselves and each other. Toddlers can be quite mean while they're going about learning how to express their emotions safely!

I hope that mom has some people telling her that this too, shall pass.

[AmyinTexas]

I agree with Cloud.

But I am SHOCKED at the custody arrangement. When I divorced, my youngest was a little over 3, and the child psychologist we consulted said that she should not go more than 3 days away from me as I was the primary parent. Spending a week at each parent's at this age seems a bit much for a toddler/preschooler to handle.

[Chiara]

I'm a SAHM of a nearly 2 1/2 year old and when Daddy gets home I am chopped liver for the rest of the night. In fact, often when I correct her during the day she starts wailing, "I want Daddy!!" A friend of mine had the opposite with her daughter, "No Daddy!!" This is totally normal (though it sucks to be the disfavored one) and ITA that the divorce is making it seem more consequential than it is.

[Joy]

Chiming in late to say that, as a daycare provider for many years now, it it very common for a child to have totally different, and very consistent reactions to whether it's mom or dad picking up. They'll behave one way for dad and another for mom, and if the provider's had any experience at all with kids, they'll understand how normal it all is. Cloud and everyone else nailed it when they said that pent up frustrations and stress all come out when a child's comfort person(s) arrive, and it's a very healthy reaction.

[Aaron]

I agree with everyone who said it's a release of emotion. He feels secure with you and is therefore letting it all out because he knows you will comfort him the best. Hang in there. Hopefully with this in mind your daughter will be better able to deal with it mentally.

[Tzipporah]

The Goobs looks forward to reuniting with all the Thomas the Tank Engine trains he left in his carseat on the way IN to daycare in the morning. Not sure that counts as a ritual, but it does help to shift his attention away from the daycare toys/friends to the fun things still to come.

[pretty baby names]

It is the same situation in my house. My daughter always cries for my husband and not for me. It used to hurt my feelings, but I think it is because he makes her feel safe.

Source:
http://baby.letschildproof.com
http://www.letschildproof.com

[Kim]

Ditto on what a lot of the people said - sometimes they will cry with mom just out of a feeling of safety and comfort from her. And with all the changes the child might be more sensitive right now.

[chanel bags]

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