Q&A: preemptive NOOOOOOOOs from a 22-month-old

Susan writes:

"My daughter is almost 22 months old.  Lately (for about a month or so) she has adopted what I call the preemptive no.  Basically, she yells "NNNNOOOOOO DADDY, BOB, BLUEDOG,ETC" when approached by anyone.  My assumption is that she is warning other people (or our dog) not to touch her stuff.  I am troubled by two things:  the frequency and the planning that goes into it.  Within the last week, she has started talking to herself about it.  So, if I say X is coming over to play, she says NOO X, NOOO X, over and over.  By the time her friend arrives, she is in a frenzy.  On the other hand, if I say "Do you want X to come over and play?" She says yes and gets excited.

My husband and I can and do ignore it.  If she says NOOOO DADDY when my husband comes home from work, he just walks into the other room and doesn't approach her until she talks to him nicely.  I often tell her I can't hear you when you talk that way, tell me what you really mean.  Her friends (peers?) can't ignore her though.  And truthfully, it's embarrassing. 

I know that this is a real anxiety for her, and I want to help her deal with it without upsetting her.  I have tried talking to her a lot about sharing, but that just results in A LOT MORE of her talking to her self about not letting her friends touch things.  She responds well to timeouts for other "transgressions" like hitting or repeatedly touching things she knows are off limits.  I don't feel like this is the place for timeout though.  It's not a behavior I'm dealing with, it's an anxiety (I think).  She can make sentences in her own little way, so I've been trying to teach her to say "please don't touch, X."  She'll say this a few times to herself, but it always ends up in NNNNOOOOO X!!!

How do I deal with this?  Do you think this is an anxiety around "Her Stuff" or something else?  Could it be the "my mind is starting to work really well and I can now think two thoughts at a time and I can't deal with them both" period in her life?  Do I ignore it when she screams NNNOOOO at random kids and dogs on the street or at the playground?  Do I ask my friends to ignore it when she screams at their kids?  That seems unfair.  Do I just go with what my bff told me--to be glad that she has foresight and predicting skills--and assume she'll learn how to use them to a better end soon enough?"

Which was interesting enough. Then she added:

"Another behavior I forgot to mention that goes with the whole question is this:
She "practices or rehearses" giving a toy to a friend.  She says "Here you go X" and holds it out.  I say do you want to give your book to X?  And she says NNNOOOO!  She also actually carries this activity out, offering various toys to people and then snatching them away and yelling no."

Now, I can't figure out exactly if this is solely about sharing or not. But if it is, I completely sympathize with the toddler here. I hate sharing.

Yes, I said it:

I hate sharing.

If you think about it, sharing is kind of scary and weird. Why should anyone be expected to give something they have and enjoy to someone else, just because the other person wants it? Little kids are required, all the time, to stop playing with what they've been playing with, and just hand the toy over to another kid for no valid reason.

Can you imagine if adults had to operate under these rules? You could be eating dinner at a restaurant with your partner, and someone could come up and grab your tofu cutlet off your plate, say "Thanks!" and walk off. And then someone else could come up and grab your partner, say "Thanks!" and drag him or her away, too. And then you'd walk out to the parking lot to go home, hungry and alone, and someone else could come up, snatch your keys out of your hand, and borrow your car. And you wouldn't even be allowed to cry about it as you walked home alone, because "sharing is good for you."

I especially hate the way we push kids into it, and think there's something wrong with them or us (we're raising antisocial barbarians!) if our 18-month-olds don't voluntarily share at the playground or playgroups. Yes, we want to help our kids learn that it's good to let other people take turns with toys if we''re not using them, and that breaking your cookie in half and giving part to your brother will make him feel good without making you feel bad. But there are better ways of doing that than demanding that your child fork over a toy or something else they really like, without any say in it.

So I'm pretty much on the side of property rights here, and think I might try saying a preemptive NOOOOOO whenever someone tries to take *my* stuff.

But back to Susan's situation: I think it sounds like your daughter is stressed out about other kids touching or playing with her stuff. There is NOTHING wrong with that, and she shouldn't be forced to share anything at all that she doesn't feel comfortable with. She's still got a long time to work on it, so putting feelings above (perhaps developmentally inappropriate) principles isn't going to ruin anything.

Depending on how good her receptive language is, you could do one of the following: When other kids are coming over, talk ahead of time about which toys she *doesn't* want them to be able to touch, and take those toys and hide them in her room. Make sure she's OK with letting the other kids touch the toys she leaves out.

Or, if she's not quite ready for that, stop having playdates in your daughter's space for awhile. Go to other kids' houses, or to neutral locations (like the library or playground or someplace like that). Don't bring along any of her own toys for her to play with (and end up having to share). Talk with her about the fact that no one will touch anything that's hers.

I think this will ease some of the pressure of playdates. As for the random shouting at people and animals she doesn't know, my guess is that as she's not forced to share as much --which is clearly causing big stress for her--those outbursts will lessen, too.

I'm betting that in another six months or so she might be better ready to experiment with "taking turns," the younger, less-scary version of sharing. And then as she sees that that's fine, she can start to have more positive forays into full-on sharing. But don't be surprised if she grows up to be an adult woman who still hates sharing. There are plenty of us out there. ;)

Readers? Whaddaya got? Has anyone else had a child who was just too stressed by sharing to be able to conform at an early age? How did you work through it?

Comments

[epeepunk]

I agree with Moxie here (big surprise) in that we (as a society) don't tend to respect children's ownership of their things. Too often we hear - "let him have it" just to end the fight.

We have focused on asking our kids to let the other child use the toy when they're done playing with it. And discussing when the toy will come back. And being very clear that even when a child says "I want the x" they really mean "I want a turn." Montessori was really useful for developing those skills, because there's only one of each work in the classroom, and if someone already has it, you have to wait.

And the Non-violent Communication is giving us additional skills to negotiate the sharing by framing it as needs (in fact I just did this yesterday on a playdate for Ms. M and R, over colored eggs.) But those kids were three and four, so their language is better suited to the task.

We've done the 'pick the toys you'll share' routine - it's very effective and respectful. And going to a neutral location should help too, just watch out because typically, the child who finds a toy first owns it, and you'll have to negotiate the turns still.

[Michelle]

My daughter went through a very similar thing when she went through her "MINE!" phase. It was so embarrassing. She wanted to play with kids, but she didn't want to share and the whole playdate I played referee it seemed. Then the minute the kids left, she'd play by herself and pretend to share with the friend that just left "here you go, X, play with this now." when moments before she was exclaiming "MINE!" to everything they touched. The good news is, it went away after a few months, decreasing in intensity. I did my share of "how about you play with this, while X plays with this" and "we share our toys." If there was an item that I knew she couldn't share because she was too attached, that went away for the duration of the playdate. And loveys are off limits for other kids to play with in my mind.

[elixabeth]

I agree with the idea that this is anxiety and should not be punished. It's great that you are giving her words to explain that she does not want to share her toys. I also agree that it might be best to slow down on hosting on home territory for a while. Wondering if she also becomes territorial of someone else's toy when at another person's home?
My oldest took a while to develop the ability to share. We usually put away a few toys before visitors came. And he eventually came to enjoy sharing.
My youngest son was always eager to share. On another note, it was sometimes very stressful when we went to someone's house who did not want to share. I still do not know what is the right way to handle these situations. It was very traumatic for my son to be screamed at whenever he tried to touch a toy. The mother chose to allow her daughter to scream and not share, which I understand. But I also lost a friend, because I would not take my son there anymore. And it is complicated, because I found these situations also often happening...My son would play with a toy at child J's house, and then J would demand it back and snatch his toy back. I do not feel it is good for my son to have to accept snatching just because the toy does not belong to him. But the mom of J also felt that it was wrong to force J to share that toy.
The issue is complicated. Playdates can be very stressful for a mom. Outside locations are where I probably feel most at ease.

[toomuchstrong]

I could have written this post a few months ago when my daughter was about the same age. It is embarrassing and weird especially when she would yell at strangers who weren't even trying to approach her. At the playground too, she would commandeer parts of the playground equipment and if some poor kid would try to get near it, she would scream "mine". Oh yes, I noticed many a disapproving expression on the faces of moms whose (usually younger) kids were just terrorized. I had no idea what to do, but to explain to her that the playground is everyone's and she should stop yelling at people! It all passes though only to make way for another weird and embarrassing phase. :-)
We constantly have to work on the sharing process still at 28 months, but I can reason with her now (if she is not sharing, the toy goes away and no one can play with it) and by the second hour of the playdate, the kinks usually get worked out.
Our new problem is the aggression -pushing and pulling of kids who are trying to take her toys away or vice versa. I get it, but this ALWAYS warrants a time out for us. And it makes me nervous about what she's going to be like when she grows up. I try not to overract to my own fears of her turning into a monster, but it still really bothers me.

[Slim]

I was waiting and waiting for the mention of "taking turns," because really, sharing is very hard to grasp: it's mine but I don't get to have it any more? But it's still mine? WTF is that? And for toddlers, possession is 99 and 44/100ths of the law, or more. What is this "later" you speak of?
One thing our old daycare used to do when someone wanted a turn was to ask the possessor of a toy "how many minutes?" meaning how many minutes did a child need to keep the toy before letting someone else have a turn. That worked pretty well until a child could count to the teens.
After "How many minutes?" we switched to "How many minutes should a turn be?" meaning that the kid waiting would get a long turn if you took a long time to give up the toy.
As Michelle pointed out, though, playdates at this age are just a whole lot of refereeing. Try to see it as a chance to suss out which parents you'd like to have as friends once your kid are old enough to play while the parents get a nice long grownup conversation.

[toomuchstrong]

Oh Moxie, and you are right on target about the "taking turns" thing. My daughter was taught this in daycare and this really seemed to work for a while. It still does, but like I said, some aggression is developing now. In fact, she used to love saying "It's your turn", or "Its' my turn" to kids she was playing with. It was a lifesaver for us for a while. Whenever I wanted her to share things (even if they were not hers), I would just say "It's X's turn" and then she would say "Then it's my turn" and I would just confirm that she was right.

[Shandra]

I think this is all great advice and I agree on the sharing thing. I also think she is experimenting with her own power and roleplaying situations that are meaningful to her - she sounds very bright and engaged.

The only advice-y bit I have to share is that my husband and I realized at some point that when we were sharing WITH my son we rarely pointed it out. Whereas when we were asking him about sharing we used the word share.

So we started to use the word share like "oh you would like some blueberries? I'll SHARE mine with YOU." "Hillarity" ensued for a while because he had gotten so used to the idea of share = I might lose a toy (and weirdly we really hadn't pushed it that hard, but I guess it was the odd playgroup dynamic) that he would burst into tears. But he got the idea after a couple of weeks.

[My Kids Mom]

As a preschool teacher, I insisted that they ask, "May I have it next?" It was so much easier to share if the owner could decide when s/he was finished and hand it over on their own terms.

With my own kids, I also let them put away any toys they didn't want to share and made it clear that the rest were for the group. Again, I instructed them to answer "You can have it next" or "You can have it when I'm done" when someone wanted something they had.

[Chaya]

I have also found that for taking turns something that works very well is a little song about turns (taught to me by a friend whose preschool uses it)...it basically goes "1 2 3 4 5 , now it's time for x's turn" and you change the name as you go. That is a very short turn, so I will adapt it and say "still x's turn", and then the next time y's turn, or whatever. As soon as the kids get the concept of the song, they know that they WILL get their turn soon. Once they are in the routine of it, I can often step back and let them do it themselves.

And btw, I hear the whole sharing is not really an adult skill, at first. Meaning, we cannot just walk into Starbucks and say "Hey, cool iphone, can I use it?" to a stranger. But, I think ultimately, other than just making childhood easier, we are working on bigger life skills. I certainly do believe in giving and sharing what is mine. We host people in our homes and share our food, we give people our time. I feel that encouraginh sharing at a young age (with the caveats above, that some things are off limits), is basically an early way of teaching my child my values, that we share what we have with others. Not that our things taken away from us whimsically and randomly, but that we CHOOSE to be people who share with others.

[Rhonda]

We have 3 year old identical girls and they learned early on to "trade" and "take turns" with their sibling. But,even at 3, sharing with a non sibling, without a time limit of exchange of items is very hard for them and for the other 3 year olds in their twin playgroup. I think it is a process and would definitely recommend neutral territory for a while. Our playgroup prefers to meet at a local toddler friendly playground whenever whether allows.

[sueinithaca]

As much as it makes my eye twitch (and my husband rant about sentence construction), the Montessori "That's her work now. You can make it your work when she's done." works remarkably well with the 1.5-3 year old set.

At my older child's preschool, they ask the child how many minutes they need the toy/slide/seat/etc. Then they count out those minutes and turn over the toy. That way, the toy is the child's for a prescribed time (of his or her choosing, so she has control) and then it's someone else's. This works best with slightly older children who have a rudimentary idea of time-telling (though my daughter at 4 is just as likely to say HUNDRES OF THOUSANDS OF MINUTES as Five. Though I think that's because NEVER isn't an option).

I agree with those who recommend doing a sweep of the house and removing anything special. We've also taught our older child that, if something gets missed, she can say "I'm sorry, that toy is really special to me. I'll put it away now because I don't want to share it." She's 4.5, though, so there's a bit of time for those verbal skills to develop. Sometimes when she was at that age (and we still are, a little, because my son is 25 months. but he has an older sister so gets stuff swiped all the livelong day) we'd end up with about two toys for the playdate. Or some office paper and crayons. Or just the pots and pans and some spoons. But she was happier and they still had fun.

[parisienne mais presque]

I still vividly remember finding a beautiful, half-eroded brick in the forest during a preschool outing. I found it just *after* another kid found it, and although I knew that they really deserved ownership, I threw a tantrum for it anyway.

It was so cool! And I wanted it! And... and... and... I was a tearful wreck when my mother picked me up shortly afterwards. My mom didn't get it at all, and explained with a shrug that we had a whole bunch of bricks in our garden at home. It must've made an impression on me, however, because although I was older than 22 months at the time, I remember it to this day. I'm glad, because it gives me a clue as to what kinds of intense emotions kids must be feeling in these situations.

We don't have this exact issue with our 21-month-old (although he's presumably learning to share toys with the 18-month-old child who shares his nanny, I'm rarely directly involved in the process), but I think Moxie's advice to create an environment where she has some choice about it is right on. I've noticed that when we have to take an object away from our son (like the car keys, or the latest issue of the Economist before he rips it to shreds) I often have the most luck when I patiently ask him to hand it over. Having control over the act makes it easier to face the unfairness he feels, I think.

I try to put the emphasis on the choice to give something to one of us, made freely and duly praised. I'm hoping to set up some sort of positive feedback about respect and cooperativeness rather than the negative feedback of someone swooping in and appropriating something. When I do supervise play with other kids, I try to approach sharing in the same way, with moderate success. Ask me again in a few years, I'll let you know if it works (and if I can keep it up).

(Strangely, I may have the only toddler on the planet who doesn't say "no" yet, although he talks up a storm in both English and French. And not for lack of hearing us use "no" constantly, either.)

[Cathy]

Hopefully this is helpful, but with most unpleasant behavior things the people you get the looks from are the ones whose kids haven't reached that age yet. :^) The others eithr have gone through this phase (with their kids) themselves or had a friend whose kid did. Their time will come.

I like the suggestions that I've read so far.

[abby]

I was also going to say what Moxie said about putting some items off limits. My son had a favorite doll at this age, and we regularly put 'Dolly' off limits during playdates because it was so hard for him to share her. I think allowing your daughter to place a few items off limits is totally fine, especially if they are really special to her. It might help to better define in her mind what is really important to her (a doll) from what is not (a set of blocks) and allow her to feel more comfortable with the idea of sharing her toys.

I would only caution if this becomes 'everything is off limits' because obviously that defeats the purpose of the exercise.

And, I actually think practicing what is to be expected might also be great with her. Practice how to greet daddy when he comes home, or a friend when they come over. She obviously has great verbal skills, and you can really help her utilize them

[Kate]

@parisienne mais presque, my daughter did not say no until very late in the game also. I don't remember exactly when, but I do recall that it was late enough to make me surprised. She knew what it meant -- and would tease with it (lean over to drink the bathwater, look at me and sign "no"...that was maybe 14 months?) -- but didn't use it in the traditional toddler way.

We have to do a lot of turn taking on the playground. There is one swing, two seesaw things, etc. The playground belongs to our building, and people have donated various riding toys, etc.; my son (just 3) is very possessive of some of them and it requires a lot of negotiation/distraction to another activity and sometimes physical intervention on my part. It's actually slightly better now than it was last summer (just 2-2+), when he had no speech and it was horrific. Of course, now he lets loose with a torrent of "No, no, it's my turn, not your turn! Stop, no, stop!" Speech therapy...GREAT!

One of my kids, now I can't remember which, just went through a brief phase of offering something (a book, etc.) to the other and then snatching it away. If it was my daughter (almost 5), I probably had to explain that it's teasing = mean. We've had a lot of discussion lately about her putting herself in the shoes of someone else (re: being inclusive, etc.--is that empathy?), but there is NO way that would work for a toddler.

[Moxie]

Oh, Cathy! You're so right about the unpleasant looks from people whose kids haven't done that yet. I'm laughing at this, thinking about how horrified I used to be at some behavior that came around to bite me in the ass a year later...

My Kids Mom, I'm loving just the word "next." It really puts things into perspective, almost more so for me than "taking turns" does...

[mom2boys]

The preemptive No is a familiar sound in our house as well. Although I have to say that I find the idea of practicing the No's and little speeches absolutely adorable! Sorry that it's causing her to become distressed, though. The boy is 19 months and will often say No to some family member who is approaching him without invitation. He's very possessive of his airspace, so sometimes just sitting next to him will cause him to fall over crying Nooooooooooo if the Nooo with the hand held up palm out didn’t get the message across clearly enough.

I somehow thought that the age difference btw the two boys (7 yrs) would be enough so that there wouldn’t be an issue with sharing – but no. They are both as apt to share with each other as to not. Giving up something you are enjoying just doesn’t come naturally and neither does resisting the temptation to have something for yourself that someone else is very much enjoying. It’s a work in progress for all of us. I also like taking turns and try and use that concept more than sharing when it comes to toys. Sharing is more for food and space in our house.

As for looks from other people - Karma's a you know - I've given my share of looks pre-baby and I know I'm on my way to getting them all back, plus some. Live and Learn. :)

[Laura]

The daughter of a good friend of mine did this exact thing, and I remember that it was sooooo frustrating for her. One thing that helped when we got our girls together was for my daughter to bring a toy of her own to share. It helped my friend's daughter to have something fun and new to play with, and it made it easier for her to share her own toys with my daughter.

I think it's important to note that what your daughter is going through is completely normal, so feel free to discuss it with friends before/during playdates. When my friend was going through this, I was happy to strategize with her about how to make things go well, and it took the pressure off of her since we were on the same page and she didn't have to be embarrassed about anything.

Lastly, although we have social norms that seem to expect it, I don't think sharing is even developmentally appropriate at 22 mos. At my kids' childcare they had enough of every toy in the toddler rooms so that no one had to share. They said it was unfair and unrealistic to expect it of them at that age. You can't do this in daily life, obviously, but it illustrates that your daughter's anxiety is totally normal and we should probably cut our toddlers some slack already.

Sounds like you're doing great, Susan. Good luck!

[violingirl]

Our rule is not exactly that we share, but that you have to wait until the other person puts down the item that you want. If it's something that you just can't wait for you can offer a trade, but no one *has* to trade.

We've also been teaching our 3-year-old to keep his special things on top of his dresser (somewhere he can reach that his younger brother can't). So in the mornings his special blankie and teddy bear go on top of his dresser along with a few treasures he's collected- rocks, a pinecone, a few special toys. The other toys in his room are technically his but things that he is willing to share.

[TodayWendy]

This happened just the other day, my daughter (almost 2.5) was playing with another girl and they started fighting over a particular toy. And I suddenly remembered something I had read here, and pulled the "This toy is causing problems, so it will be going away now." And away the toy went. I'm not sure that would work with every kid.

Also, I remember reading about a game that (Japanese?) moms played with their very small children of "sharing". Basically handing a toy to the child, letting them have it for a few seconds, then getting the child to pass it back...and repeating. I tried this when she was much younger and it really got the idea through that giving something up didn't mean you would never get it back.

[Kate]

Oh, yeah, I do the "This is causing fights, so we're putting it away" ALL THE TIME in my house.

FWIW, my kids play ok when there are a ton of pieces (200 pc. lego, 100 piece Magnatiles), but they play the BEST when there are no toys. When they drag all the pillows and blankets to the living room, add a couple of chairs and play pretend. Which of course is years away for the OP, BUT THERE'S HOPE, I SWEAR! :-)

[hush]

I like what @Laura said about wondering whether the norm of expecting a toddler to be able to share is even developmentally realistic for the under-2 set. ITA that "playdates" at people's homes filled with their stuff kind of suck at this age, so let's meet at the park or pool instead. I know, I know they've got to learn to share someday so they need experiences like this where they fight over toys, yadda yadda. But what's so wrong with avoidance, anyway?

I never look askance at anyone with a so-called "misbehaving" child at that age. As if a parent really has any say in the matter? ;)

Susan, it's all good. When you get embarrassed, it might be nice to have a few funny one-liners to say to the people looking at you disapprovingly. "Who peed in her cheerios this morning??" Hey, at least she's not going around calling people effing a-holes, like my friend's daughter used to at about that age (she's now a very happy & well-adjusted 10 year old, BTW!)

[paola]

My kids are a little older, 4.25 and 27 months. 4 year old has a number of toys that he will not share for dear life. His binky 'Care-bear' I won't even let his sister use as it is his most cherished toy and I explain this to my daughter (27 months) who seems to respect this desire of his(I do the same with my daughter's most coverted object). So basically there are only a couple of toys in the house that are completely off limits to the other child.

There are other less cherished items that are still greatly loved by my son and even if my daughter so much as looks at them sideways, he absconds with them usually screaming. But if my daughter gets to them first and NOah goes ballistic, I explain that he can either do the folowing : 1. Wait until Zoe has finished playing with them ( which is usually around 30 sseconds or so) or 2. See if asking nicely she will give up the toy. Often she will, but the times she will not, I tell him he has to be patient a little and wait for Zoe to finish with the toy.

[SusanB]

Great advice as usual, Moxie. We have gone through this for a long time now, and luckily I can say that it is definitely associated with growth and development as well as other stress in their lives, since it has waxed and waned for at LEAST a year now (my son is about to turn three). Here are a couple random things that helped us...

First, we just talked a lot about feelings. We acknowledged that it made him sad that another kid was playing with a toy he wanted, and that's okay, and then we tried to redirect to something that was happy or whatever...OR...if that still made him sad we just talked more about feelings and rules and how social interaction works ad nauseum. OR in another similar situation we might acknowledge that "You don't WANT So-and-so to play with that toy now..yeah..that's okay..why don't we help find him/her another toy to play with?" Or "If you don't want him/her to play with it, that's okay...just tell them in a nice quiet voice so you don't scare them" ha ha! And as she's already doing, we had LOTS of practice, but the part we tried to help with was practicing articulating how we felt and what we wanted to happen...OH! That's another good way of thinking about it...helping your child learn what they want TO happen rather than what they want NOT to happen....So, child says, "Noooooooooooo X!" and you can say something like "Nooooo X doesn't get your toy but YEEEEEEEEESSSSS X gets this other toy, how does that sound?" or whatever...showing her that it's okay if she doesn't want to share that toy but let's focus on what we DO want to happen.

Probably as soon as I post this I'll realize how awkwardly-worded it is and all the important stuff I forgot to mention, but hope that helps! That's all I've got for now because if we don't get outside to play NOW, then my son won't sleep. Sigh.

[Julie]

Totally agree with Moxie. In fact, we talk a lot about "if you're not willing to share, that's okay, but it's not okay to make someone else feel bad about it" meaning if it's that important to you, play with it alone in your room, or put it away until you can play with it alone. Making a plan ahead of time about which toys you are willing to share, and which toys are just too special to share goes a long way to avoid a meltdown mid-playdate.

As for taking turns, our son's preschool is masterful at teaching the children that they do *not* have to give up a toy just because someone else wants to play with it. They honor the children's desire to play with something for as long as it holds their interest. They teach the children to say, 'Can I play with that when you're done?" and the kids completely honor that when they are done playing. If a child is doing something for too long with a lot of friends waiting, (like swinging on the swing) then they ask how much longer they want to swing (it can be in minutes or number of pushes) and then it's off-time, because that is what everyone agreed to.

Teaching children that it's nice to share is important, but HAVING to share is wrong, I believe. Teaching children to take turns is important, but being able to communicate that you want a turn, making a plan for how long your turn will last, sitting down and waiting for your turn and then honoring that agreement (often with a little "help" from a teacher) is more important.

[Christiana]

I totally agree with Moxie's idea that we shouldn't force our kids into sharing something we ourselves wouldn't expect to share in the same situation (ie. kid is playing with toy and another kid wants it). But naturally, kids need to learn to share at least some things.

I have nothing to add to Moxie's advice, but I love it and think I'm going to file it away for the inevitable time when my baby is at the "I don't want to share" phase.

[susan]

Thanks for the advice everyone. I am pretty committed to waiting it out and acting very calm when it happens. I am also going to try the 1 or 2 special toys technique and help her put them away, probably in her bed. Interestingly, she's just started talking about turns. The other day she said "It's Mommy's turn." Hopefully this signals a turnaround! Maybe I'll talk a lot more about taking turns than about sharing, since the word "share" seems to cause her anxiety. I also really like the idea of pointing out to her when her dad and I are sharing with her, which happens millions of times a day! Here's a question though: do I keep talking about it with her (i.e. several times a day instigate a conversation about sharing) or just let it go since even the conversations seem to make her nervous?

Thank you soooo much! I will check back in after I finish my stupid paper outline and meet with my professor. . .
Susan

[Erin]

I don't have much advice for the OP, as I generally practice the avoidance strategy for personal belongings mentioned by some. (Although I will throw in a rant--one of the reasons our local highly acclaimed children's museum is A Living Hell is because "sharing" to so many parents means forcibly yanking their kid away from whatever s/he is playing with so another child can have a turn--when did "sharing" come to mean isolated, sequential play? I try to encourage other children to join my daughter in the giant toy car that seats six or whatever and get lots of dirty looks for not forcing her to stop what she's doing.)

ANYWAY, I did want to note for the OP that my 29 month old does the pre-emptive no too, but in a slightly more elaborate form that involves a pretend fire hose that she uses to spray people she doesn't want to talk to, while shouting that they should go away. Charming, no? We talk a lot about how it's okay to feel scared or shy, and when she feels that way, she should tell me or her dad rather than yelling at others. We also tell other adults that our daughter is shy in many situations, will say things that are negative and somewhat inappropriate, but will be friendly after 5-10 minutes if the adults don't react. Virtually everyone who has experienced the joys of a two-year-old understands and accepts this, and after her warm-up period she is a delightful, outgoing kid. I'm betting this is all just a phase.

[Charisse]

Oh, I remember being just mortified around this age when a family with a 3-4 months younger child came over for a brunch/playdate. Mouse spent the entire time walking around the house gathering everything she could into her arms and not letting go. And anytime anything fell out, she'd start crying "NO NO NO". The other family thought we were from Mars until a few months later. Mouse also started talking about things she liked as "Mouse's [doll] --not everybody's doll, only Mouse's" around this age. Which is cute when referring to your mommy but takes some explaining when you're saying it about a public train or a statue you like in a museum, lol. Anyway, we have also done the "put away the special stuff", the "I'm next" and seen the montessori way work great. With a little bit older kid, you can also talk about "ok, so you don't have to share, but can you offer S something else that's just as cool?"...which helps you see that something else can be as cool too, and may make it easier to give something up. and now we're starting to talk about the responsibilities of the host and guest and so forth...but she's 5 so that's a bit more advanced.

[Slim]

Julie--
"Teaching children that it's nice to share is important, but HAVING to share is wrong, I believe."

SO true! I think forcing gracious acts on people leads to a whole lot of ungraciousness. I used to visit my oldest at daycare after lunch, and a group of parents used to take their kids to get snacks, then play in the courtyard. One mother always insisted that her daughter share her snack, and the daughter's response was to break off a crumb and give it to someone. Told to give someone else the ball, she'd fling it at the other kid.
I can't believe that was the mother's goal.

[caramama]

Everyone has such great advice! I especially agree with parents who give THAT LOOK as ones who just haven't gone through it. They will understand soon enough. I just kind of smile at other parents and say something about what a fun stage this is or something like that.

I was also going to back the "taking turns" rather than "sharing" as easier to understand at this age.

@Shandra - I love what you said about pointing out when mommy and daddy are doing it. My daughter always wants a bite of what I'm eating and will happily give me a bit of what she has, because it is something we have modeled. We will have to point out when we take turns or share things, too.

[Moxie of my own]

I swear, I was so frustrated by the NONONO this morning that I was composing a Moxie question as I drove to work! My 22 mth old is using the "Objection No" constantly, even when it's something she wants. No school, no juice, no Clifford, no carseat, no diaper, no clothes, no outside, no mommy bath...that's just this morning. I try not to phrase things as a choice if a No is not acceptable--"It's time to get in your carseat" instead of "do you want to get in your carseat?" I also try the Karp phrasing of "you don't want Mommy to change your diaper!" but that seems pointless when there is a river of poo flowing out of the thing. OK, maybe I'm just a leeeetle bit stressy about it. This turned into a rant instead of a question! Is it OK to ignore this person I adore, who's becoming so articulate and who has genuine feelings of her own that deserves to own???

[hedra]

Yep yep yep.

I remember my toys ceasing to be my property at the whim of an adult. I'm SO about property rights. They own it, they get to choose. Actually, this is extra-important in sibling issues ('give that to your brother, it will make him stop crying, he's little and you're big, your job is to give him anything he asks for, no matter how special it is to you' - and seriously, my parents made me give - PERMANENTLY - my lovie to my little brother for Christmas, because he wanted it. SOOOOOOO about property rights, here... Some things are not for sharing, and some are not for giving, except by totally free choice.)

Er, anyway, that she's practicing protecting her boundaries is a fine thing. Imagine how useful that'll be when she's 16! It sounds like she has a large personal space bubble, which is also fine, but will need to be fine-tuned later (which she will do on her own, most likely, around 5 years old if not before).

We practiced (with all the kids, including regarding siblings and cousins):

1) Taking turns first (sharing collaboratively is a much older skill).

2) Asking them to decide what gets shared (sweep the house for special stuff, which may mean proving the case by putting EVERYTHING away at first - we had to prove we meant it before we could reach a rational level of 'this thing can be touched by another child' for someone - no recall which kid).

3) Establishing who-first/how-long plans or standards (my mom's rule is that the first turn is half the duration of all subsequent turns, by the timer, to make it not so competitive over who gets it first; our rule is more 'you two discuss it and figure out what will work best for you both, then we'll try that and see how it works, and if we need to readjust the rules as we go, we can discuss them again' - they often come up with really creative solutions, but it takes about five times as long as it would with an adult, so I have to be PATIENT). The discussion, planning, and strategy for alternate paths is a HUGE skill set, and a valuable one, IMHO.

4) Practicing empathetic observation - 'please look at each other first, then decide what to do'. I know if they're refusing to look in that direction that they don't WANT to be empathetic. Which may also be valid, but indicates that right now is maybe 'not quite ready' time. Allowing them time to be ready is okay.

5) Talk in terms of needs - needing to feel safe, to protect that which is special, to have control over that which we own, to make choices ourselves, to be caring toward others, etc. - they're all in there and have to be balanced in the process of learning how to share.

6) Grace and courtesy - another great Montessori thing. Learning how to be polite, caring, and fluent in the social norms of sharing, turn-taking, and consideration are all really useful. Fluency does not mean door-mat, it just means fluency - including No, Thank You. Those concepts are also not on line for the average 20+ month-old. By 3 or so, some of it is starting to gel, but much doesn't really take until 4, 4 1/2, or 5 (when behavior and its impact on friendship really hits - loads of practicing that then, 'you're not my friend' 'you shared, now you're my friend' 'I don't like you any more' 'if you don't invite me to your party, I won't let you play with my toy' - and on the plus side, 'I'll give you this precious thing because you are my friend', etc.). MODEL MODEL MODEL - strangely, ep and I had early in our relationship decided that these courtesy words should be used with each other - excuse me, thank you, please, pardon me, may I, etc. - and so they were habit by the time Mr G started talking (we used them on the cat, too). That was one of the things that rubbed off on him/them, and that has had nice feedback from school - these words flow out automatically. And they work. But it is modeling, not teaching, that showed them that. (Speaking of which, modeling how to wait for our turn or respond to a transgression in turn-taking works, too - I know because I don't always do too well with it, and I can see it roll downhill - if I grab something out of their hands, regardless of whether there was a reason for the grab, they will be more likely to grab from each-other, too.)

For anxiety in general, she sounds like she actually has some good strategies already figured out. You can probably help her expand her strategy set by a) helping her practice imagining ALL the things that might happen (including silly things, real things, the whole range of imagination) if approached about sharing (or whatever), and b) helping her plan out additional exit strategies (asking for help from you, offering other toys to distract the attention from the favored toy, asking for help putting a special toy away even in the middle of a playdate, etc.). I'm actually not too worried about her degree of anxiety because she IS forming strategies other than just hide or freeze up, and is practicing them. It's great that she's already recognized that doing so gives her more surety in her approach. Very cool.

[Tami]

I have a 5 yo boy, 3 yo boy, 2 yo girl and a newborn. In our house we don't force sharing (as in giving up a toy on command of another child), but we do have rules about not taking things out of another person's hands and not teasing (offering an object and then snatching it away at the last second) or taunting (flaunting to another child that you have a toy they might want instead of actually playing the the toy). If you (the child) offer a toy, you have to give it up if another takes you up on that offer (in that case I do force giving up the toy that was offered, but on one is forced to offer). Also, if one child wants a toy that another child is playing with, I don't give a time limit to give it up. I simply say "[child x] is playing with that right now, you'll have to wait until he's done. Go find something else to play with." For the younger ones (well, mainly just the 2 yo now) I'll sometimes suggest something else to play with. If a child is done playing with something (sat it down, walked away), then it's fair game for someone else to play with. There are no "mines" from across the room.

I also try to encourage polite ways of declining to share such as "I'm playing with that right now" or "please don't take that." With my 2 yo I encourage phrases like "no, thank you." Regardless of what words they use, no one is allowed to yell at the other child (even if you're getting your toy taken). Basically, even if the toy is yours, you are no allowed to exhibit the behavior of yelling "mine!" or yelling "no!" If Child A takes a toy and Child B yells "no, mine!" in response, then both children get corrected for their behavior, which for us is reenacting the scenario with correct behavior. Child B must demonstrate the calm and kind way to react to someone trying to take their toy (sometimes I have to give him/her the words, sometimes not, depending on the age), and Child A must hand the toy into Child B's hands and say "sorry" (and if old enough, say "sorry FOR..."). If the kids do get into a "battle of the mines," then everyone looses the toy.

I don't mind if my kids trade with each other (their idea), but in general, I don't offer trading as a solution from me. That's mainly because the younger ones haven't developed the empathy to understand that even if "I" want to trade, that doesn't mean that the other person wants to trade, and Mom doesn't force trades.

I also give lots of praise for unprompted sharing, charity and general acts of kindness.

[momgawaga]

Susan - you can come to my house any time, and I won't bat an eyelash at a flurry of No the whole time. My daughter is 22 mo and she'll not only tell you when she doesn't want to share, she'll direct you toward something else. Until recently, this was accompanied by a loud, "No... please, no, Mommy/Daddy/whoever! Please, no!" in protest.

Honestly, I'm sure there are kids who don't do this (yet), but I've just assumed this is a normal toddler process of exerting control in a world where so much is predetermined for her. We did find that presenting her with limited choices helped stem the cries of indignation, but I think that some of this just passes with time & socialization. I think you are really doing all you can to soothe her, while still respecting her right to express herself.

[Steph]

Another Pre-K teacher here who advocates for kids to ask "Can I play with that next?" We also suggest (these are 4-5 year olds) that they ask the child to bring the toy to them when they are done. Although, usually by that time, the child has forgotten they wanted the toy/gotten involved with something else/they both forget. Which works too!

[MamatoOne]

Our nanny brings her 3 year old daughter with her to care for our daughter (28 months) at our house. In addition to talk about "taking turns" and using words vs. grabbing a toy away from the other person, our nanny will "set the timer" on her cell phone for a certain number of minutes. Then it's the other child's turn for the toy. This has turned into a really useful technique, since both children have experience seeing that when the timer goes off, it really IS their turn. A nice concrete solution, and usually stops the arguing/fussing about wanting the same toy.

[Amanda Too]

Moxie, I totally disagree with you about one thing. How many thousands of your precious hours and how much of your mental energy, experience and wisdom have you shared with the readers on this site?

"I hate sharing." Pah!

[mrsgryphon]

Just a little comment... for about the last 10 months, our daughter (turned 3 in Jan) absolutely refused to let anyone play with any of her dolls or her Little Einstein rocket. I don't believe that anyone should have to share their favourite things if they don't want to (I don't share my laptop or my camera with ANYONE! haha!) so we put them away before every playdate, and she would run and get them as soon as the last kid left. Just last week, I started to gather them up before her friends arrived and she said "No, Mommy, I *want* to share them now!" And she did! She was so proud of herself, and they had a great playdate with the dolls. At bedtime, she leaned into me and said "I shared my dolls today. That was nice, wasn't it, Mommy?"

Our playgroup Moms seem to all have a pretty similar approach to sharing - most people ask their child to take turns ("you can have it next!"), and we try to encourage the kids to wait until their friend has moved on to another toy and then they can play with it. We've definitely had kids with total meltdowns and my daughter has been one of them - I found I really had to limit the number of kids that came to play. It was as if too many kids in her space made it too difficult for her for to "keep track" of who was playing with what. With 2 or 3 kids she plays much, much better than when there are 5 or 6.

[anaximander]

One thing I think it's important to note is that sharing in and of itself is largely a cultural construct - culture seems to determine how much we share, and when, and to whom - what's normal in the US is entirely different around the world. The inuit have what's termed "sharing relationships" - where it's all but mandated who one shares with, and why, and which stuff. Some of these societies are egalitarian (or what my grandmother would call communist) - where *almost everything* is shared and, in your example, either everyone would have some tofu or nobody would. In this kind of a society, "property rights" don't exist (In fact, there are great broad anthropological studies on property rights and the development of civilization - it used to be believed that "property rights" was something exclusive to "civilized" societies and that only "primitive" societies were egalitarian.)This is an extremely culturally ingrained behaviour - while kids might express a desire to keep a toy, the parents rarely give in to that kind of desire, or if children have some expectation of ownership as a child this might be removed swiftly as an adult. This is the opposite to a lot of the western world, where people are expected to share as children but to own property as an adult, which might cause some significant confusion for kids.

As such, I don't think moxie's example was strictly indicative of adult "sharing" - that it was certainly more an example of "taking" or even "taking turns" - sharing would be him asking for your tofu, and you suggesting that you split it if he's that hungry. Allowing another to spend time with both you and your partner - sharing them. Going places together - "sharing" a ride in the car. I think this is a confusion in terminology - a linguistic fluke - which has perpetuated because there isn't enough separation between the two ideas, especially in kids who quickly associate "sharing" with "giving" - is it possible Susan's little girl thinks that the other child might keep the toy forever? In the example Susan provides, she uses "Do you want to give the book to x" - which, obviously, the child does not want to do, because that doesn't mean they'll get it back - "give" is a very powerful term here. what about "do you want to read the book together" instead? Books, especially, are easy to share. (I share books and articles all the time with my partner - we read aloud to each other every night for an hour or so.) Sharing doesn't mean giving, it means both having some.

[anaximander]

Because toys are more and more individualistic, it becomes more of a "taking turns" situation than strictly sharing, though, which is really unfortunate. "TAKING turns" and "sharing" have gotten all mixed up - something that isn't that difficult for adults to separate out but that may be really difficult for kids to grasp. I think that when I have kids I'm going to at least make a rudimentary attempt at separating the two concepts, while trying to amass a collection of toys for when friends come over that enforce the idea of sharing, stuff like legos and board games, and a tickle trunk (dress up), books - I think that these are things that can truly be "shared." A ball can be "shared" becauset there's a constant back and forth, for example - that sharing means both enjoying the object.

I'm not, however, saying that some property is not important - in the cultures described above, not absolutely everything is shared (personal decoration, items that indicate identity tend not to be shared, iirc). So certainly kids are going to have their own things, stuff they don't have to share, and I think putting it out of reach on playdates is important, as is vocalizing *why* they're scared of taking turns with it (is it a fear that it'll get broken, or that the other child will want to keep it forever?)

Ultimately, I think that parental influence has an awful lot of importance here, as my brother and I had many fights over property, even over things that were quite sharable, and our father someone to whom sharing and giving is an utterly foreign concept. As such, we're both sticklers about personal property (but only with each other, it seems - neither of us has any problems either sharing or loaning stuff to our friends).

My word, that was long. tl;dr - sharing and taking turns are not the same thing.

[caramama]

@anaximander - Very interesting points. Because the term "share" is so widely used with children, I actually have been trying to explain it in terms of taking turns to my toddler. I say, "You have a turn, then I'll have a turn, and that's how we share!" Although I agree taking turns is much more accurate, so many people we are around use the word "share" so I think it's important to teach my girl what they mean by "share" which can be actual sharing or taking turns.

[Cathy]

Interesting....the words that we use to color it. Along with taking turns, we can also use lend, borrow, or "let him use while he's here" rather than give.

[mom2boys]

@Hedra - I am guilty of telling the eight year old to give things to his little brother because it is easier than dealing with the tantrum in the moment. I haven’t done anything so egregious as a permanent transfer of ownership of his belongings but I will be mindful in the future to do a better job of not falling back on “give it to him so he’ll stop crying” as a cop out. The eight year old is really so good about sharing his stuff with his little brother on his own, I should do better to honor the times when he doesn't want to.

[Cloud]

This is (yet another) area where I feel like day care has done the heavy lifting for me. When I was visiting day cares I didn't really care that the director of the one we ended up at had a PhD in early childhood education. Now I think its great, because it means that I can usually just assume that their policies are based around what is developmentally appropriate behavior.

They do the "take turns" style of sharing. Their rule is that if a child has a toy, that child can keep it until he or she is ready to put it down. Only then can the next child have a turn. Really, 2 year olds don't have the attention span for there to be problems with one child never giving up a toy.

They also try to be very consistent about stepping in and correcting the behavior if a child tries to steal a toy.

This seems to work really well from what I've observed, so we do it at home and on playdates, too. I'm sure it was a real struggle to teach Pumpkin that rule, but now that she knows it, she doesn't usually put up a fuss when it is enforced.

@toomuchstrong- I think the aggression thing is pretty normal at this age, too. Some kids don't have the words to express their outrage in any other way, and even those who do probably don't have the emotional control to use the words all the time. Anyway, that's what I'm choosing to believe! We correct the behavior, but don't stress about it too much.

One thing I haven't seen in the other comments, but may have missed, is the idea that kids use play to work through new ideas. So the person whose kid is "playing out" sharing after her little friend leaves- this is actually probably a really GOOD thing, and may mean she's trying to figure out the whole sharing concept.

Also, we've had some luck with setting up "play it out" situations to work through these sorts of issues. We used it most when Pumpkin was biting at day care. I'd have her bear and her bunny play together, and the bear would steal bunny's toy, and bunny would bite bear. And then we'd play out the consequences. Then we'd play out the "right" way for bunny to react. It seemed to help. I got these ideas from Lawrence Cohen's "Playful Parenting".

[Madeleine]

My daughter's daycare at that age told us "We never use the S word." It was all about taking turns. They also taught the toddlers to say "I'm using that" instead of "mine!" It was really cute -- after a few months, if one child tried to snatch a toy, the other would say "USINGDAT!"

As another commenter also said, they used songs to show when a turn would end. So the teacher would say "X would like to have the next turn. When the song ends it will be X's turn. A B C D . . . " The song gave the child a predictable length of time to finish playing, and the other child a predictable length of time to be patient. And if the first child (or someone else) wanted the next turn, they would sing again.

[Cloud]

@Susan- I missed your follow up question in your comment. Here's our approach to things that make Pumpkin anxious: we let her initiate the conversation. In our house, this means that we talk A LOT about doggies and how they stay in the neighbors' yards. And how they're just saying "hello" when they bark.

If you think your child is bottling up the anxiety and needs to get it out but doesn't initiate conversations, I guess the next thing I'd try is the "play it out" idea I mentioned above.

@moxie of my own- oh, I hate the fight over a diaper that really needs changing! I usually give her a few chances to change her mind and decide she wants to cooperate (sometimes she does!) and then I say "I know you don't want your diaper changed, but if we don't change it you will end up with an owie on your bottom" (that's her phrase for diaper rash) or something like that. And then I ignore the "Nooo Mommy!" response. I've had some luck with having her baby doll take a turn getting her diaper changed first. So we have a baby doll with a disposable diaper on it. We get a few strange looks for that, but whatever.

[Sharon aka Mommie Mentor]

Haven't read all the posts. I hope I’m not repeating and this is another one of my long ones! 22 months is the beginning of full expression and that new expression is wrapped very tightly with lots of new and unexplored feelings. There are feelings of power, feelings of wanting choices, feelings of NO and feelings of NO surrounded by new found power!

22 months is also very young to expect any mastery of sharing. I know that Susan doesn’t expect mastery with regard to sharing because she doesn’t want to use a timeout.

I believe your daughter is practicing NOOO so she can begin working some of this out. She’s very bright and yet still very young and that in and of its self seems to be frustrating her. She’s almost 2 and it sounds like she has already entered the developmental stage where she’s repeating what *she* perceives is the most important word in the English language-NO. Some children at this age practice and practice saying NO as they’re experiencing their new power. Some children shy away from announcing NO until they are a bit older and more comfortable with their new power.

Sharing at this age can feel very personal, sort of like losing an arm. The child thinks, that toy is mine, it has always been mine, I don't care if it’s at a friends house-I have one too and this could be mine, and NOOOO I won't share it! A child this young can’t really conceive of the fact that there are stores where they have more than one toy, so this must be mine. They also can’t understand why their beloved parent is insisting they share this toy. As Moxie says, it's totally understandable. I know I have no intention of sharing my food or my DH, not even if you ask nicely!

When it comes to sharing I encourage parents to do a couple of things.

1. If a child comes up and takes a toy away from your daughter and she begins screaming NO, go to her right away and say it's okay. Don’t assume children in this age group can work anything out by themselves.

2. When she calms a bit ask her, “will you need one minute or two minutes before you’re can share?”
She won't fully understand the question or the time reference in the beginning but keep at it, she understands your tone of voice, and the offer of a choice and that you value her enough to ask. Choices, as you stated in your question, do seem to elicit a more positive response.

3. When she says, “I want two minutes” because all children choose the higher amount of time you say, “okay.” Even if she isn’t verbal enough to say two minutes say “okay” and then look at the other child who wants the toy and ask him/her “what shall we do while we wait for DD to be willing to share?” Then go and play with the other child for a moment or two.

4. Most of the time DD will drop the toy and rush over to come and be with you and the other child can have the toy in question.

She’s beginning to show you that she has power and she isn’t afraid to use it, so she says NOOOO and then role-plays again and again to help her understand the concept more fully.

She’s also showing you that role-play is what helps her understand. Make sure to include role-play over the next few years to help her understand new concepts. At this moment she automatically says NOOO to everything to see how different people react to her NOOO. She’s gathering research to better understand how this social thing works. You may want to reframe the questions you ask her. You said that when you frame a question with a choice she responds better. Word of warning here, make sure when you offer a choice you’re okay with whatever she chooses. Other wise when she’s older and you ask her to make a choice she may refuse because her experience was that her choices weren’t honored.

She also sounds as if she has no idea about how loud she sounds. You may want to do some role-play with dolls helping her to understand loud and quiet.

As she gets a bit older you can always say, “if you can’t share then the toy has to be in timeout for 1 minute until you guys work it out.” Again right now she’s too young to fully understand that concept while she’s trying to understand her new feelings about sharing.

Susan you’re correct when you say she has two thoughts at once and can’t decide what to do. This is new brain development and will be incorporated soon. She needs time and teaching to understand how to deal with two concepts/feelings at once.

You can begin to help her understand all of this by doing the same thing each time she screams NOOO. It requires both words and actions to get through to a child this young. Tell her and show her that each time you scream NOOOOO I will be taking you to another location, not leaving, just going into another room, until you calm down. Then we will talk about what just happened and how to handle it. Then you and I will go back to the scene so you can try applying what we just talked about. This will even work when she reacts to Daddy. You both go into another room and talk about how to greet daddy, then have daddy leave and come in again so she can try again and see daddy's happy face versus being told I can't understand you until you talk nicely. Expect this to take time while she assimilates the new information.

Also since you sense anxiety is part of this for her you need to know that when you handle this the same way each time she gets to relax a bit, it becomes a trusted ritual. She begins to understand I get upset and I can count on my mom to remove me till I get calmer, then she talks to me about what I did wrong, and tells me how she wants me to handle this and then she gives me a chance to try again. This is very comforting to a young child. This is also my preferred method of handling early childhood situations like this and is what ProActive Parenting is all about, helping children through the stages of development by correcting their behavior in a loving, respectful, almost ritualized way as they learn all the aspects of the situation.

This is a very hard time for parents because they know all about social skills and are embarrassed. The child on the other hand doesn’t have a clue and could care less. The child is learning how to express him/her self and how to navigate situations like this yet the parent hopes to achieve automatic understanding and wants it to go away as soon as possible. Hang in there this should change soon.

[charis]

I'm sorry, I didn't read the 48 comments above mine, so not sure if this has been suggested....I agree with Moxie, sharing is hard, and I think society's default of "making" kids share is contrived. On the other hand, I want my kids to be generous, and to value people over things. The best ideas I've come up with to address this: 1) Model sharing behavior by respecting my kids/friends/spouse over material goods, and 2) we follow the rule that if kid A wants what kid B has, A can wait until B is done with it. Once "You can have it when I'm done" has been put on the table, it becomes a non-issue between my kids. All of a sudden, the possessor feels in control of the situation and the power struggle is gone. And the kid who is waiting knows that they will get a turn in a bit.

[hedra]

@susan, I'd just watch for the opportunities, and the more they can be about when YOU share or take turns in your life, instead of when she 'should' share, the more comfortable it will probably be for her. I can certainly remember my then-3-year-old Mr G calmly telling me that I shouldn't complain about having to wait in line at the drive-through, because each person was getting their fair turn, and I would get my fair turn when I got up to the front of the line. Nothing like having them feed it back to you for proving that they get it... a bit wincy, though. ;)

@anaximander, yeah, boy howdy am I an individualist in an individualist/capitalist country. Heh. The strange thing is that I'm way more collectivist than average when it comes to my own choices about work, home, family - but it just really has to be by free choice for me. Being told or commanded about what must or must not be my action just locks me right up (that's a personality trait, actually, noted specifically for my Myers Briggs type). Likewise, some kids will naturally be much more prone to sharing because of their own personalities (some of them may even need support on how to not over-share to the degree that they *always* end up sacrificing their needs to the collective peace regardless of the value - which inadvertently teaches that disruption of the peace is the ultimate evil to be avoided. Some sense of balance is usually allowed in most cultures, even though the balance point differs. Usually learning how to negotiate more effectively toward the cultural goal is a good skill).

@Mom2boys, do note that I mentioned that experience as a personal issue for me. That was intended to illustrate that I have *An Issue* that was trauma-based, and that it wasn't meant to be the normal-range experience reaction - it will not be universally reacted to the way it was for me (the severity of the transgression was a big level-set on the ouch factor). Noticing the pattern, though, can create some interesting discussions - because some people genuinely and truly prefer to sacrifice their goods to the collective wellbeing or peaceful interaction or even just lack of noise, especially if they have a sense that they'll get it back again later. It's more a 'be aware' than a 'beware' thing, if that makes sense.

And all that is said after having just dealt with this as a ticklish issue at work, where my individualist underlying assumption was mistranslated by a collectivist culture individual... and it came out somewhat badly, until I realized that we were each seeing the interchange through our own lens, so the meaning was very different. (Hint: individualist concern for another's wellbeing when they're stretching themselves too thin can be translated as negative expectation that by stretching themselves too thin they'll let down the team. Uh. No, actually, I'm certain you won't let the team down, but you might make yourself sick in the process. I worry about the individual, he worries about the group, and we both phrase the concern exactly the same way with different intention and meaning. And that means he reacted like I was calling him unprofessional... Sigh. Some days I *really* like my job, other days I spend a lot of time re-writing the email over and over and over and still don't get it right...)