Primal scream

I don't know anyone who's having a good day today. My internet at home is mostly out, and I have a host of other problems. Everyone else seems to be having a sucky day, too. Real post up tomorrow,  butin the meantime, voice your complaints to the universe here.

Also, thanks for signing up for my email newsletter! I have something people have been asking for in the works, and hope to announce it soon.

Comments

[anon for today]

I have some weird pain in my back and abdomen, and I feel like I have a fever.

Also, we're officially trying to get pregnant again, as of oh, tomorrow, and I'm terrified that it's going to mess things up royally with my job. But I would never forgive myself if I let worrying about my job deprive our family of another wonderful little person. I'm probably too stressed to get pregnant anyway.

[&BabyMakes75]

I have a bit of a primal scream of mommy guilt today. Last week my son's preschool was closed so it was camp mommy, (luckily I had time off, too.) My guilt is that I am LOVING being at work today where there is no little being asking why why why why why all day.

[Kate]

It's my baby's birthday. (Um, not baby. He's 3.) He's been up and croupy the past two nights, so I feel like shit due to not sleeping at night and not running in the morning. Weather is gloomy. I spent all morning (literally, 7:30 to noon) on my feet prepping for the end days of Passover. Cranky birthday boy refused to nap because big sister is not at school. Big sister is worried that I have insufficiently prepared for the birthday. (The celebration, to be honest, is being delayed until some grandparents can be in attendance and we can have some fucking leavened cake.) Everyone's demanding food all the time.

But the silver linings are that the kids are mostly getting along with each other (including 30 min of playing "rain" in the hallway with their umbrellas), we get PBS Kids, and that there are two batches of cake meal brownies waiting for my consumption.

Thanks for the scream space. Some days Facebook isn't enough :-)

[Anonforthisone]

I want to be self-employed. I really really really want it. I think about it all the time. But I am scared to leave my job. The stress of this decision is paralyzing me. My husband is supportive either way. My income probably wouldn't be as good at the beginning, but would likely be better in the long run.

I also want another baby. Do I have baby before I quit my job or after? Anyone have experience with self-employment and baby? Part of me keeps hoping to get fired because that would make the decision easier for me.

[nej]

Although it's "too early to tell", it looks like I'm having a girl (or a boy with a very small penis.) Part of me is so happy I could cry and part of me pictures a 13 year old walking behind me in an impossibly short skirt, rolling her eyes at something I said while texting her friends something totally inappropriate. Something I won't even know is inappropriate b/c by the time she's 13, I'll be 45 and I won't know what KKRYS means, or whatever. Actually, she won't even be texting. She'll be doing something that hasn't even been invented yet that I certainly won't know how to use b/c I'm getting old and slow and I'm not on Twitter b/c I couldn't figure the damn webpage out.

Whew.

[Amanda Too]

AUURGH!

This breastfeeding body refuses to respond to my historically successful efforts at weight loss. Do I wean in order to return to a healthy weight?!? I grind my teeth all night trying to decide.

[Christina]

Oh I need this today! Becuase I am brilliant I decided to take the boys nuk away from him about 10 minutes before the 18 month sleep regression hit. Im in HELL! And, I cant complain about it on my blog becuase it's so trite considering the two recent deaths in my blog circle. Im so exhausted, in the middle of creative projects that keep me going and they are on hold while the dictator continues his nap strike/ total crankfest. My house is dirty, I am dirty. I NEED A BREAK!!!!!! oy..

thanks ;)

[pnuts mama]

i'm so tired it hurts. i have a pile of work to do and the pnut is off school this week (aaaaaaaaaaggggggghhhhhhhhhh) and seems to have officially given up her nap EXCEPT she still so obviously desperately needs it. she is a pile of emotional goo by 5pm, and she doesn't usually go to bed til 8-9pm. the horror. i am getting nothing done: NOTHING! i have a grant that needs to be written for my job due last week and a section on methodology that i have tried to understand and write three times already and still nothing and my husband just called to let me know he won't be taking the kids to the wholesale club tonight to get much needed food/get them away from me so i can get work done since he has to take my uncle to the accountant since tomorrow is tax day. agh!

good things: the bean's virus which was making him a miserable pile of poo seems to have run it's course, thank the good lord. also, we have a sitter tomorrow, thursday and friday, praise jesus. and, easter candy and kosher coke is getting me through the day, bless the holy spirit.

@kate- i really can't comprehend how you do it for 8 (?) days. everything is leavened or fermented or something!! i'd eat macaroons and wine all day if i were single. or childless. oh hell, i'm doing it now- it's almost 5pm.

@nej- congrats on girl baby! it's how i felt about having a boy, but then i just surrendered to it and promised to love no matter what came my way. so far so good.

[Allison]

Toddler got toothpaste in my hair. Pre-schooler stuck my tweezers through the hole in the back of the filing cabinet. Eyebrows need grooming. Badly. A chest/head cold brought home by the preschooler has hit us one by one for the past three weeks. Husband is an accountant and has not been home for months. I ate every piece of Easter candy in the house. The End. I hope.

[anonforthis...]

We want another baby. Babybabybaby. BABY! I took a pregnancy test this morning (period is due tomorrowish, just couldn't wait). Negative. I know I know I know. Wait until at least period is due. Could still be (probably not). Aaaaah I really wanted that plus sign today!

[Cloud]

I STILL feel sick a lot of the time and I'm now in my 4th month. Now I'm hungry all the time and nothing sounds good because I'm nauseated. Its worst at night, so Hubby is still having to do the vast majority of the nighttime routine, and its clearly starting to get old. And my precious, wonderful, adorable 2 year old clearly misses having more Mommy time at night. Argh.

And we're all getting over colds, so sleep is sucking.

@Anon who asked about having a baby after becoming self-employed- I think the decision comes down to money. A friend of mine had her last baby while working as an independent contractor, and you get ZERO benefits, even in liberal CA, where I get 6 weeks disability + 6 weeks partially paid family leave. I think you could get disability if you bought private short term disability insurance at least one year before you got pregnant. If you decide to go that route, check into it. You'd probably want disability insurance, anyway.

If you can swing the financial aspect, I suspect the flexibility would be better than you'd have with most "regular" jobs making the work/family juggling easier in some ways. I had far more flexible hours when I was a consultant (even though I was employed by a consulting company- they didn't care when I worked as long as the customer was happy). I miss the flexible hours now (but am overall happier at the new job).

@&BabyMakes75- you just described one of the main reasons I know I am a better mom because I am a working mom. I have waaaaaay more patience if I don't have to handle that stuff all of the time. The way I look at it, there were always Moms like me. Its just that they used to volunteer at things like Junior League or the church to get their time away.

[Cecily T]

Ahhhhhh! Yeah, me too. The 21-month old who never naps is napping, but at really bad times. I was making zucchini bread for friends having babies, and terrorized V with the food processor. Then, I was all ready to mix, and realized that the dozen eggs I thought I had were actually hard-boiled easter eggs. So off to the store! V falls asleep on the way back (4:15), way too late. Transfer to couch for short nap.

Finally, the bread is in the oven, the house smells like baking; it's all good as long as I don't look at the kitchen! (Covers eyes)

Also, hubby not home until 8pm tonight; late meeting for 'leadership'. Pffft to that!

[KateW]

Bleaaaaah.
I don't even have the energy for a scream. 36 weeks pregnant, with all that entails; loooong weekend visit from the inlaws; 2 year old whose emotions are comparable to a teen's, except more unpredictable; messy messy house; almost insurmountable debt; I'm just done with it all.

I wish I could just take a weekend off, or at least have a stiff drink this evening and and hire a sitter! No such luck - just gotta keep pushing through.

thanks for the forum! couldn't say it anywhere else

[Marketing Mommy]

I've spent all afternoon crying. My daughter's Montessori preschool teacher (whom we LOVE) is resigning. I'm brokenhearted for my child, the school and my younger daughter, who I'd hoped would enjoy her class for 3 years too.

[Susan]

I am up to my ears in sick-tired-teething-bronchitis-having-temper-tantrum-throwing toddlerdom. I've been home from work for the past two days with this very, very cranky boy who refuses to eat and then melts down at the slightest thing because he's so obviously hungry and can't deal! But try to feed him? That occasions another tantrum. As does not being able to do outside on demand, not getting to play with knives, not getting all the milk he wants all day long, and many other extremely mysterious slights and frustrations. More of the day has been spent in tears than not today, and it's been all I can do to hold back my own.

[Ari]

Glad it's not just me; I needed a scream today. Little man is sick? grumpy? Can't set him down but it's not like holding him makes him stop crying, it's just a little quieter. And we decided to start trying for a second, just last night, and today I'm wondering what I was thinking!

[Julie]

I really hope your announcement is the grand opening of your Monkey Assistant training ranch.

[Carla Hinkle]

I want another baby. I already have 2 beautiful girls. I admit it, I am greedy.

Yesterday I got a positive pregnancy test (very early, period not even late yet). Today, my period came with a vengeance.

I wish I had waited to test so that I never knew I was oh-so-briefly pregnant.

And I am afraid my 36 year old body won't be able to do this pregnancy thing successfully again and I am setting myself up for sadness and failure.

[Lisa]

Getting on 40 weeks pregnant and no baby yet. New stretch marks every day and I haven't slept a stretch longer than 3 hours in years (cause my first is 2 years old and a craptacular sleeper).

And now I have no child care. Our babysitter had a family emergency so though I'm technically on "maternity leave" and it is survivable, I was hoping that this week if still pregnant I could at least get some sleep during the day and maybe get something non-work-related done? Nope, gonna chase after my 2 year old instead.

Add that my child care loss will eventually extend beyond this week since my nanny is leaving for another job next month who will pay her under the table. Less money, mind you, but since she won't have to declare any of it, more other perks.

So I put an add on craigslist and now I have reams of crappy emails written by folks who didn't read the ad.

Did I mention that my mother in law is over?

Did I mention that with this pregnancy I suddenly have hemorrhoids?

grrrrrrrrrrrr

[maria]

I am actually having an uncharacteristically upbeat and energetic day, particularly given the fact that the weather is gray and rainy and COLD.

I'm working on an exciting project that other people are getting interested in too, and I'm anticipating a trip to find housing in the place I'm hoping to finally settle!

So, I'm thankful to be able to put the stress and worries on the back burner for today, for a change.

So, all my sympathy to those of you having Primal Scream Days!

[Kate]

@ pnuts mama, we're moving to Israel over the summer, so next year will be only 7 days instead of 8. i am deliriously excited about that. the hard part is the prep (hours upon hours upon hours worth) and then putting the house back together in one night when it's over, because there will be challah for friday night or there will be blood.

the kids have eaten a lot of junk food (the "cereal" is potato starch, cocoa and sugar) & processed lunch meat. ick. that's the first thing to go.

i make desserts that are better than the macaroons. and there is a lot of chocolate that's just fine. potato chips. and i allow myself to eat salted butter on matzah.

latest breaking issue: It's Tuesday. I did not move my car. $&%#!!!! I shouldn't have a ticket--we have a DOT permit and VAS plates--but I always move my car because it is the height of hubris to not do it. This is what I get for not getting out of pjs until 5pm.

[Lisa]

@Kate W - I say go ahead with the stiff drink. At least a semi-stiff drink. I'm gonna - this kid's cooked.

[self-employed is scary]

I feel like crying for the first time in forever. Just on the brink of tears. Work is slow and my husband and I are self-employed and work from home...Taxes are due and we're getting WAY behind...yikes, yikes, yikes! We usually live quite frugally anyway, but this is getting nuts. Our one car died and we had to take out of our equity to get another. Should've bought a junker. I never thought I'd have such money worries again. I don't think we can continue my daughters Montessori class next year. They gave us a small scholarship, but it doesn't take into consideration our recent turn of events. How quickly things can fall! Thanks for the vent.
On the positive--everyone is healthy, we have SOME work, it's going to be nice outside very soon, and we WILL get through this. I look forward to having my daughter with me again...

[self-employment is scary]

opps, I hadn't looked at all the posts. I didn't mean to make self-employment sound bad--it is glorious most of the time! No boss, pajamas, set your own schedule, take off for a coffee, trip to the park, etc.

[kyma]

My husband is quitting his job in a few months to return to graduate school in the fall. In the long run, this will be a good thing. In the short run...I am stressing! He is the main breadwinner, I am a SAHM with a very high maintenance, clingy 27-month old. I stay awake at nights worrying about the fact that in a few months, our very nice income will be reduced to almost nothing and that we'll be living off our savings, a small stipend from the school, and the goodwill of my parents for the next 3 years. We live in an expensive area and childcare costs are through the roof. How do I make money, without paying for childcare, and still be available for the Bean and the hubby?

Oh, and the Bean has a double ear infection. Joy.

[M the Depleted, mother of A the Invincible]

Screaming near-6-month-old has been waking up nearly every hour during the night until I finally let her sleep next to me (the husband has taken to the couch) for the final stretch. During the day, she demands constant attention, as she’s done pretty much since she was born. She’s also decided to be cool en route to any destination whether by car or stroller, but cry a horrific cry all the way back. (I might’ve made the trek to the George Harrison Hollywood Walk of Fame induction had I been more confident I wouldn’t have cried harder than she did on the way back.) I’m growing selfish and becoming guilt-ridden. There are Things I Need to Do! But, really, I know baby come first. I know, I know, I know. That felt good.

[MrsHaley]

@Carla Hinkle - I'm sorry for your loss. You had a brief, shining day of "what could be" and today are plonked right back down in the middle of "what IS." Be kind to yourself.

@Maria - You have been through the wringer lately, what with moving, your ex, your family ... I am so happy to see you're having a great day! You deserve many, many more of them. I hope they're coming!

@Lisa - the stuff you need is called Balneol. It comes in a small bottle, white with blue letters, & you can get it at W@l-M@rt (ugh). It is expensive, but honey, this is your butt. An important area, if there ever was one. Apply with fingers or tissue and either wipe it off, or don't. It is MIRACLE ROID JUICE, and I oughtta know.

[Mara]

sick baby. tired momma. head ache. that's all.

[hush]

To the many expectant & TTC mamas here - much love & hugs to you all!! I found out like ridiculously late in the game that I'm now about 16 weeks (??) pregnant. Holy hell! I feel so irresponsible, yet joyful.

@anonforthisone - It would be great to be able to take mat paid leave with your current job if it's available to you there, then do the self-employment thing after having the baby & getting back to "normal."

@self-employed is scary - It's alright to cry! Yes, you WILL get through it!

[end of my rope]

I am 16 weeks pregnant and have the worst cold I have had in years. Not to mention its the third cold of this pregnancy. Everything my 17 month old gets, I get. Just found out that a kid who attacked her with a book at playgroup last week came down with bacterial pneumonia the next day. Really don't want LO or me to get that. I am exhausted. Also, we are moving into our first home in two weeks. I should be excited, and I kind of am, but I am totally overwhelmed by the amount of work I have to do. I don't know where the energy is going to come from.
Also, LO is psychotic. I swear. Today we were in the grocery store for just a few things and she threw at least 4 tantrums. The worst one included her slapping me in the face. I just about lost it. I feel totally out of my depth with her lately. She cries for much of the day because she can't tell me what she wants and I can't understand her. I know, baby sign language, but that doesn't help right now.
Oh, and intimacy with DH is at an all time low. I thought by now the 1st trimester ickiness would be gone and I would be good to go, but instead I am fighting cold after cold. I think if I kissed him for more than 3 seconds I would panic as my mouth is my only means of oxygen.

[anonforthisone]

@ Hush - I agree with the benefit of taking a paid mat leave, but two problems:

1. Guilt about taking money from an employer I know I wouldn't be returning to.

2. What if I want another baby after that one? How long do I keep putting my dreams on hold?

I'm leaning towards just jumping into the deep end and seeing how it comes out in the wash. Then again, I am good at my job. I get paid very well. Why am I complaining?

[Cloud]

@anonforthisone- people do that to their employers all the time. It is one of the "features" of our current screwed up maternity leave system. Are you sure your employer would be the one paying you and not your state disability plan? You and your employer have been paying into your disability plan- you might as well get its benefits. Unless your employer has maternity leave benefits beyond the disability leave + any family leave mandated by law, it is likely that they wouldn't actually be paying you, although they would still be paying your health benefits.

Would this be your first baby? If not, ignore the rest of this comment. If so... if it were me (and its not, so feel free to ignore this), I'd stay with my current job through baby #1 OR I'd take at least a year to get set up as a self-employed person before getting pregnant, because the adjustment to being a working mom is HUGE. And I am someone who is a fairly happy, usually guilt-free working mom. After making the adjustment with baby #1, you'll know when you're ready to leap. For instance, I switched jobs when Pumpkin was about 10 months old. I applied for the new job when she was about 8 months old. I wasn't even able to think about a job switch much earlier than that- and I'd been dissatisfied with the old job for quite awhile. If you go to my blog and click on the "working motherhood" link and go back a ways, you'll see some posts about my adjustment to working motherhood, which may or may not help.

[Lisa]

ooooooooh, MrsHaley THANKS.
Will be getting my hands on that stuff first thing in the morning.

[lalalala]

My father's long-hidden alcoholism has recently been revealed, causing a cascade of events that ultimately are healthy - ie, openness and disclosure and potentially even rehab - but in the interim are incredibly painful and difficult. My mom is seesawing between divorce and "God will provide us a long and happy future together." I'm having trouble engaging with my great little preschooler; I feel like I walk around in a zombie state half the time, preoccupied by the insane amounts of family drama. And trying REALLY hard to not get sucked into my familial role as the caretaker.

Also, the husband and I have not had sex in quite some time, and he has gently but persistently made it clear that he's really missing it. Honestly, it's the farthest thing from my mind these days. But I love him and appreciate him, and so as soon as he's done putting the kid to bed, we have an appointment. Ahem. Gotta muster up some enthusiasm for that one.

Also, I'm just TIRED. Forever and ever and ever. (Like everyone else here, I guess.)

[Sarah V]

Things are sort of okay for us right now, after a seemingly endless stream of crap- slammed with PPD, then my car died, our dog died, our basement flooded, our mortgage company "forgot" to pay our property taxes, my husbands car died, our 9 month olds sleep went to crap...

So sorry for all of you having to primally scream right now, know this too shall pass. After above seemingly endless string of crappy events I am trying to enjoy this lull. Today I actually felt like I had balance, I am off of work today and I cleaned a little, went on a run, played with my daughter, cooked dinner, sent my husband some dirty text messages (thank you last months sex post for the idea), had lunch with a friend. Nice day.

Now to muster up the energy to make good on those dirty text messages...

[Jan]

Yesterday I stopped work, locked myself into a small conference room and spent a half an hour furiously scribbling almost 5 pages of things that are currently causing me stress. Most of it not going to resolve any time in the near future either.

You know it's bad when I'm actually looking forward to the layoff announcements next week because at least I'll know whether it's me or not and it won't be up-in-the-air stress or never-ending stress.

Also, I think I'm coming to terms with the fact that I will never get to have another baby. And it sucks. I'm sad and angry and hurt and disappointed and just generally pissed off at life about it. And feeling guilty because, honestly, two beautiful healthy kids, and blah blah blah. But I wanted it, believed it might happen and I feel like my hopes are crushed and that just stinks.

Also sad: I'm looking so forward to the next week because my husband is going to be out of town and even though I love him, right now I feel like being a wife is just one more stressor that I don't need.

[hush]

@anonforthisone - Hmm... I like what Cloud said. You are clearly way more ethical than I am because the thought that one could potentially feel guilt over the choice to take all of the paid maternity leave to which she is entitled and then probably not return (but you never really know what might happen...) frankly didn't even occur to me! So maybe you shouldn't listen to me!

When it came to working for other people, I always kept in the back of my mind that old, cynical adage, "If you want loyalty, get a dog!" I always, always put ME first. I knew The Man would get rid of me in a heartbeat if I ever quit making sense to the bottom line. It was business, not friendship.

If you're really "putting your dreams on hold" then maybe that is something worth acting on sooner. I tend to see some opportunity in your current, stable situation vs. the inevitable struggles and cash flow irregularities of being self-employed PLUS the crazy life/health/marriage changes of having a baby. Good luck!

[Lisa F.]

dudes, what the H is going on? life has been insane!

computer has been effed up & driving us nuts, friend diagnosed w/breast cancer, roof leaking again..probably time for new one, husband way stressed w/new job, money's tight, trying to decide on boy's preschool next year...this one hasn't been as good as we'd hoped...we could get in to pre-K nice preschool and I could try to find temp work, but what if I can't find temp work and we've committed to more & extended days?

3.75 y.o. is suddenly really surly, sassy & rude, and I'm losing it with him consistently, the pollen is driving us all nuts, no sex in ages, trying to see if we'll go see crazy family up north & am *I* crazy to consider driving from NC to Maine alone w/4 year old (if it was today, he'd have been left at a rest stop.) do I really want to kill myself driving all the way there to spend too much money we don't have & deal with the DRAMA that is our family. husband out of town which means I can relax into my evening more, and guilt about enjoying that. oy. I.am.so.tired.

the relentlessness of it all is really getting me down. we have no help. I was sick w/stomach virus last week and had to call DH home from new job. this precarious house of cards seems to hinge on me being able to hold it ALL together ALL the time and I need a damn break. luckily, I'm giving up perfectionism, so that makes things a smidge easier although it's still a big work in progress.

GROUP HUG!

[Jenny]

The midget is sick, he got bit by a kid at day care today for the second time in 2 weeks, I have cramps, and my grandma passed away on Friday.

[Susan]

Absolutely - there is something in the air lately! i am the "breadwinner" by default in our relationship and man does it suck. I always wanted to be a stay at home mommy...and I'm trying to be supportive of my husband's dream. But that means I don't get my dream, at least not right now. I fear never. It sucks. i hate my job and I hate the pressure of making all the money for our household. ARGHHHHHHH. Thanks Moxie! I needed that.

[Michelle]

ARRRRRGGGGHHHHHH!

I had an interview today for MY DREAM JOB and I walked in and they did not have the correct wiring to hookup a Mac for my powerpoint presentation.

Thankfully I did have full-color handouts - but still - ARRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!

Thanks Moxie!

[anoninithaca]

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Well, you know how to read my mind, Moxie. The universe is collecting its dues lately, I suppose. WHere to begin -

Family drama. Oh sweet mercy is there family drama. 5 calls per day life and death issues family members spying on each other family drama. I'd write it off except there's a baby involved. Poor girl. Two of the players are totally untrustworthy (stepmom and sis) and one is trustworthy but gets most of his info from the other two (dad). I want to pull my hair out.

4 year olds. Daughter's speech therapist thinks there's something wrong with her vision. One developmental optometrist agrees. One ophthamologist disagrees (but did not perform a visual field test. we're concerned about peripheral vision). We're now on the waiting list for a pediatric ophthamologist and a developmental pediatrician (she also has speech/language/sensory/behavior issues). Pulling hair out over that one.

Self-employment! In the second year (third season) of my business. Have decided to add significantly to that business (getting a 20C processing license and building a commercial kitchen). Talk to the food safety regulators and code enforcers far more than I would like. Am also concerned about you know, making money. Have no plans for childcare for this summer.

Then the short term - today, we took a road trip (just 2.5 hours) - me, my business partner, my two kids and her one. We went to buy an expensive piece of equipment. Then visited her very traditional Chinese in-laws (my children are the antithesis of good Chinese children. they are giant, blonde, loud, insistantly inquisitive children who dress themselves in crackass clothes and fidget constantly). Then topped it all off with a visit to the Strong Museum of Play so the kids could blow off steam. It's spring break here. WHAT WERE WE THINKING?! Finally got home at 8 pm (a full hour after bedtime) to find the phone ringing - another dramatic call from stepmom about sis.

Time to read a trashy novel and have a glass of wine!

[anonforthis]

I work for an organization that will make a public announcement about changes in a program of ours this week -- and, I am certain, we are absolutely going to get kicked in the teeth for it, unfairly so. Did I mention I'm said org's public spokesperson? I've been dreading this for a VERY LONG TIME, and I guess there is some relief in actually being at the point where we're going to drop the bomb. But still. AAAAAAGGGGH!

[bella]

oh man oh man... so much and yet i feel so, so guilty for complaining about anything because i have been crying off and on for 2 days about two awful stories of families losing babies. babies for f*&^ sakes! and these families are not people i know and many, many people lose children every single day and yet because i read blogs, these stories hurt more than all the anonymous yet completely real, huge, overwhelmeing stories that are out there every hour, every day.

which is not to say that we don't all have the right and the necessity to bitch about our own personal experiences that may very well suck today. not at all...

so, yeah, it's hard for me to acknowledge among the horror stories that i've heard in the last 48 hours that i had my second rejection of a stupid manuscript that was a very, very good quality paper and it made me realize that the discipline i'm in is so much about politics and so little about science. and i had two conversations with two fantastic women that are just coming to realize that they may be joining the ranks i joined 4 years ago -- the infertile and the cynical, sarcastic, sad, hopeless group of us that can't have babies because we want them. well, not so hopeless. most of us never lost hope.

but really, overwhelminingly, i feel so, so guilty about venting at all. because i am so very, very lucky. i have two boys that are my world and the last 48 hours have made me hug them more than i have in a long time, kiss them to the point of them asking me to STOP and generally -- the last 2 days -- have made me scared shitless that i'll lose the only real meaning in my life that matters. just like that it can happen... how the hell does THAT not make me stay home tomorrow? how do i focus on that meaning and make the rest not matter so much?

[taggie]

After 22 months, I'm finally getting the hang of this working mom thing...or so I think! Big trial coming up in two days. I LOVE trial work. I MISS trial work. Then hubby gets slammed at work and DS comes home with a fever and oh so crabby :( Constantly cries, constantly needs to be held. No time to prep for trial and it looks like I have to call the court and beg for a continuance because "my baby is sick." I'm sure all the male attorneys and the male judge will really understand.

ARRRRGGGGG~!!!

[ExpatMummy]

Things are generally pretty good but the underlying stresses could drive us crazy - venting is good!

We've moved (Internationally - for work) every six months since DS was born (he'll be two in May) and thought we'd finally managed to settle where we are. Unfortunately, it looks like DH may be out of work by the end of the week if his company crumbles. If it does, we'll likely be moving Internationally again as we follow the work . . . and I can't work where we live because we're still waiting for my immigration papers to come through.

Am also in the middle of weaning (specifically night-weaning) so I can get pregnant again as I seem to be one of the few for whom breastfeeding really does work as birth control. Would like to get pregnant sooner rather than later so I'm not collecting my pension when the little ones start school (I'm exaggerating a bit - but not a lot.)

Anyone have any tips for getting pregnant quickly???

[lwh]

Today has been okay in general, but I'm harboring some angst toward my mother that I need to get off my chest.

I have a medical condition that was not diagnosed until two weeks after I had my daughter, and it may prevent me from having another child (although I would love nothing more).

Everyone in my immediate family is aware of this condition, but my mother insists on continuing to tell me that we *must* have another baby. (Keep in mind that this is after insisting that it would be selfish of me not to have a child, before I had my first, because that was the only way my father would live on (he died when I was 10 months)). Yet when someone asks me in her presence when we're going to have anther baby, she's the first to go on and on about how I could die if I tried to have another one. I think she loves telling the dramatic story. Why?!?

Mom, you are the selfish one. I did not have my first baby to please you. My fertility is my and my husband's business, and no one else's.

Thank you, Internets, for listening.

[Another Mommy]

Another mom with a sick kiddo here (actually two of them are sick but one worse than the other). He has to take the pick stuff. I hate the pink stuff!! Why do they have to make it neon pink?
My teenager is .. um..a teenager and right now I don't know how to deal with that. My other kids are off from school and bored and it is raining. Wow .. why does it feel so good to complain?

[Ally]

Panic attack over taxes and parental disapproval. How old am I again???

[Sarah]

Well, my period arrived tonight, and we're on month 9 or 10 of trying, so that SUCKS. I've weaned my 23-month old son as of five days ago in the hopes that I'll be able to get pregnant, but I'm worried that if I do get pregnant I'll want to wean that one earlier because I want more.

As well, it looks like yet another friend is pregnant. I'm thankful for my son who is all light and joy, but still, I really want to add to my family.