Book Review: Bed Timing

Review of Bed Timing by Marc Lewis, Ph.D. and Isabela Granic, Ph.D.

Remember a few weeks ago when someone in the comments mentioned that a sleep book had come out in Canada talking about  when you could make sleep changes and when you shouldn't try? This is the book. It turns out it's written by Ask Moxie readers, a wife and husband research team who are developmental psychologists and also parents of twins.

Now, right away I was more inclined to be excited about this book, because I figured that if they work together, they probably parent together, too. (My big beef, as most of you know, with the “expert” books written by male doctors is that they don't actually sound like that male doctor has done any sleep duty with any real kids. You know who I'm talking about.) And the twin thing meant that they had two different data points at the same time, so they were less likely to get attached to whatever thing happened to work with the first child. (Oh, the hubris—I know and the rest of you with two or more singletons may remember when you thought your first child was just The Way All Kids Are...)

But then, oh did my heart swell when I started reading and realized that they weren't telling you the One True Path to Sleep Nirvana. Instead, they'd done actual research into “what happens when” from a developmental point of view. And what they'd figured out is that there are certain times in which it's easier to make sleep changes, and certain times when you're pretty much assured of failure.

At this point I could maybe take the high road. But I won't: I told you so.

Yes, I told you so, all you pediatricians who just blindly parroted that parents should start sleep-training at four months. Because according to Lewis and Granic, four months is a bad time to sleep train. Ha! I said it's all about the sleep regression. Lewis and Granic have a whole lot more to say about it.

I, however, am not going to tell you everything they said, because I really want you to buy the book. And give it to every new parent or pregnant person or parent with a kid under the age of four that you know, because it will save you hours and hours of frustration and feeling like things are your fault. And then when you're about to hit a good window, you can spring into action and take advantage of it.

Did I mention there's a little pull-out chart in the back of the book that you could put on your refrigerator to tell you when are good times and bad times to make sleep changes? And it goes from birth to age 4?

The book also reviews “the pros and cons of popular sleep-training methods.” I thought these were pretty fair reviews of the most Hot Topic-type methods, and the anecdotes included were good, too. What the book doesn't tell you is which one to try with your kid. Apparently, you're supposed to—wait for it--pay attention and use your own parental instincts to figure out what's going to be best for your own child. <3 <3 <3

The funny thing about this book, I think, is that everyone who's tried any kind of sleep method is going to find both validation and some small suggestion to take offense to, somewhere in it. So, remember while you're reading it that what worked for you will just make things worse for someone else, and vice versa. Lewis and Granic are trying to tease that out, but it a positive way by listing all the options, and telling you when to try the ones YOU pick, and when to hold off. As with any parenting book, don't follow every single word literally. (Impossible to do with this little gem anyway, but worth repeating.)

I have a few copies of the book to give away. If you are interested, leave a comment about what has been the worst stage of sleep for you so far (if you're pregnant you can be talking about yourself). I'll draw a few (right after I finally draw for the Hungry Caterpillar) and email the winners, so leave a valid email and just put www.fake.com or www.google.com in the URL box.

Comments

[Sarah]

Sounds like a great book. I feel like I'm in one long drawn out "worst" stage of sleep. We started off co-sleeping and at around 6 months it became nursing in bed and co-sleeping. And a year later my 18 month old still can wake up every 45 minutes to 2 hours needing to nurse to get back to sleep. Sigh... I keep waffling on when to make the big plunge and get him to at least not need to nurse back to sleep, but eventually get tired and give up. So maybe this book would help me pick an age window and make the leap!

[&BabyMakes75]

This book sounds like a fantastic resource. Wish I had known all about sleep regression when my son was 4 months old.

I went back to work full-time in September when he was three months. Tough to get back into the swing of things, (plus, as my email name suggests, I am a teacher so it was the start of a new school year, 74 students that year...) Although the exhaustion from moving to being at home to working full time and pumping and all the organization of stuff for the little guy was immense, I felt like I could actually do this... for a while... then - WHAM! About a month into my "I can bring home the veggie bacon and fry it up into a pan..." feeling, (when son was 4 mos old), things went so haywire with sleep. Oh, the guilt! Oh the exhaustion! Did I mention the guilt! I felt as if I couldn't possibly juggle mom and teacher and, oh yeah, wife.

[Allegra]

I don't know what it says about me that I can't remember the worst stage?? haha! My daughter has never been a horrible sleeper, luckily. The hardest stage was probably as she hit 5 months when she started to learn cause and effect and that her cries could be used as a tool to get a certain response from me. After working together on it she is sleeping through the night --- I am waiting for how that might change, though, and would love to read what Lewis and Granic have to say about it!

[Beth]

I purchased this book when it was first mentioned in your post. I devoured it the day it was delivered - it is amazing! And what I liked the most was how non-pushy it was; you make your own decisions based on your individual child. I recommended it to a few friends as well, but I like it too much to loan out in case something should happen - heaven forbid.

[heather]

As I was reading your review I was thinking how much I want to get this book for my best friend. She is the most wonderful woman I have ever met, and after being diagnosed with an acute form of leukemia at 27, managed to survive despite the odds. Of course, the aggressive cancer treatments left her infertile. After much struggle, she is now pregnant with twins and I couldn't be happier for her. She is always asking me questions about sleep, etc. and I've pointed her in your direction, so I'm so happy there is a book out there written by twin parents.

I have two children of my own, but I don't want the book for myself. We've had our own sleep issues here, namely early waking with my two-year old, but I'm at a place where my instincts finally tell me what is right for us. Tell that to the me of 4-years ago though.

[Heather]

This book sounds like one I need to get my hands on...

The stage I'm in now is the worst stage! Seriously, before this every "bad sleep stage" seemed to have an end.

My 27 month old daughter has decided that getting up at 4am is the key to happiness. She is in a big girl bed so we just pick her up and put her back in her bed. Over, and over, and over... Sometimes she goes back to sleep. Other times she is awake until 5:30am. The trouble is, I get up at 4:30am to get ready for work. So part of it is she is hearing me showering, walking, etc.

We have good days and bad days. I'm at my wits end and we have baby #2 due May 19th...

[Rosemary]

This book sounds great!

Worst sleep time for us was definitely 4 months. Coming out of the newborn fog and boom! there's it is. Ugh.

[Erin]

I think a Canadian child psychologist friend was telling me about this book since she knows the authors. I feel a bit bad now because I was polite but didn't get that excited about it mainly because I don't tend to get very excited about parenting books in general unless personally recommended by someone I trust like you.

My two kids are like night and day when it comes to sleep. My oldest didn't want to sleep on his own and was a terrible sleeper from day one unless glued to me. I have blocked out his stages :)

My youngest went through a rough regression at 4 months and then we just came out of one at about 6/7 months that lasted too long. He is now 8 months old so we are bracing ourselves for the 9 month regression.

Thanks for the review Moxie!

[Kelly]

Ai yai we need this book! I will see if we can get it in Germany...not on amazon.de or amazon.co.uk yet. Our 20 month old has never slept through the night and is going through a bout of separation anxiety that has her unable to fall asleep or stay asleep. Sometimes I am so tired and frustrated and just *helpless* I want to just leave her to scream because I don't think I can take it one more night. I dread going to bed because I know she's going to wake up. We cosleep, and nurse, and do all the "right" things (ha-ha) but it's just not enough. I keep saying I will night wean her when this last eye tooth is done...

[Kate]

My daughter didn't sleep through until she was over 3. Does that count?

There was a point when she'd nurse to sleep at around 8, frequently have a night terror a couple of hours later (lasting up to an hour), then be up at 11pm, 1am and 4am to nurse.

Fun times.

[Trish C]

I can't wait to get my hands on a copy of this book! I have a 28 month old and I'm 37 weeks pregnant. I think right now might be the worst time ever. I only get to sleep in 2-3 hour blocks between potty trips and my daughter only sleeps in 3-4 hour blocks and they are NOT SYNCHRONIZED.

I can't remember what well-rested feels like. My husband tries, he really does, but his dealing with the toddler wakes me up anyway.

[Steph]

Worst time? Probably the 3-4 months from 3-6 months where my son woke up EVERY night at 3:30...not hungry, just crying. I have been lucky with my sleeper...But we did a bit of ferber, and it worked, so that helped.

Any way to buy in the US? I can't find it on Amazon...maybe they could mail to Moxie Readers?

[Mary]

I hope I'll be able to get this book in Italy. At the beginning, I thought I was going to luck out with my child. He was very demanding during the day, but, once the frequent feeding period was over, he actually slept through the night, from 9:30 to 5:30 for about a week. Then, teething hit and he was 4 months old and it hasn't recovered since then and he's now 10 months old. He never slept with us in the first 4 months, but now that he's 10 months old, after his first nightly wake-up (around midnight) he sleeps with us and nurses on and off during the night. The first nightly wake up starts a progression of waking up every 1/2 hour. If I didn't keep him in bed with me, we'd never get any sleep. Putting him down for naps is difficult too since he usually needs to nurse to go to sleep, but lately, once I put him in the crib, he wakes up crying within a few minutes. I'm hoping I'll be able to get some sleep soon.

[Heather]

Oh this sounds fantastic. We were blessed with an easy sleeper with our first child and now are trying to figure out how to help our second one. This sounds really useful! The hardest part with #2 is figuring out how to transition from waking-up-all-the-time-with-a-cold back to sleeping full time. With our first one the hardest sleep issues were the sleep refusal periods.

[Kristin]

I stressed out so much the first year of my 23 month old's life about sleep that I fell into a major bout of PPD/anxiety. As a new mom, I believed everything I read and put my poor son through so much trying to "sleep train" him. I finally just gave up and let him sleep with us (he still is) and in doing so, my anxiety slowly but surely went away. This book sounds like it have saved me alot of heartache!

[paola]

'That's just the way all kids are!' Hey did I ever think like that ( and boy did I get a big surprise with no. 2). I don't really deserve to win a copy as my kids aren't really that bad sleepers, but am even more curious especially after reading your review.

[Jackie]

The worst was 18 months when I was newly pregnant. My son stopped sleeping AGAIN and I was convinced that getting pregnant was the worst mistake that I'd ever made and I pretty much wanted to curl up in a hole and die. It lasted for months, and despite the maternity pants I didn't actually tell anyone I was pregnant until I was about 16 weeks along because I was too depressed to talk about it.

Now he's 3 and he mostly sleeps, but for the last week it's taken 2 hours to get him to settle down and go to sleep. It's miserable and infuriating.

The good news is that the baby sleeps pretty well most of the time.

[kate]

sounds like a really interesting book to add to the line up.
worst sleep. hmmm. any stage that she woke up and stayed up. if she wakes up and i can stick a boob in her mouth and go back to sleep, fine. But if I have to stay awake, I get pretty mad very fast!

[EBPitcher]

The books sounds like it's got a wealth of information and it's some thing I'd like to own.

Seven months was the worst for us!

[Tricia Royal]

you know that 4 month sleep regression you talk about so much? my kid's 4 month sleep regression hasn't ended (as i gather it does for some, how nice!)...it's just continued up and through 8 months, where we're at now.

waking up every hour or two, all night, every night, since month 4, with 2 hour long "party animal awake and won't go back to sleep sessions" every 2 days or so...that's us.

fun, eh?

if i could figure out a way to make her sleep longer, i'd *literally* sell all my organs and limbs.

*shoots self*

[Beth]

@Steph - you can get the book in the US. I am in PA and got it shipped it. You pay as much for the shipping as for the book, but it is sooooo worth it! It's on Amazon's Canada page. Good luck!

[Jen]

The worst time for sleep so far (5.5 months old) were the first few weeks, when I was un-learning the nonsense the lactation consultant had spewed to me about not feeding on demand, but rather keeping a nice little schedule and spreadsheet (and needing to supplement, but I won't get on that soapbox this early in the morning). When I finally gave in and just started (gasp!) nursing the child when she was hungry, things got SO much better.

[Ruth]

Sounds like a great book! My worst stage so far has been the four-month regression, which doesn't seem like it will ever end. My son wakes up at least every two hours all night, sometimes more often, sometimes to stay awake for an hour or ninety minutes. He had a few days of doing better and then WHAM, back to the four-month pattern. I know that it will end some day.

[fahmi]

Totally interested in the book. I am curious, though, if you think it balances/complements the Wonder Weeks book? We try to figure out the sleep problems with the WW book, so if this book also mirrors WW, it will be a win.

Our sleep problem right now is that I am getting ready to go back to work, so we are trying to get the baby (3 months) adjusted to some kind of a sleep schedule. Except he spends three to four hours wailing from about 10pm, after going to sleep at 7pm and in the morning sleeps in till 9am. I am entirely exhausted trying to manage his crying, and I can't sleep in till 9.

[Kristine]

This sounds like an awesome book. My sister is having problems figuring out what to do with her baby right now, if I don't win, I'll probably end up buying it for her.

My son slept through the night only a handful of times from birth through just about 1 year. So I'm not sure if all his regressions just ran together or what? What's been more frustrating to me is the new nightmares, he had been reliably sleeping through the night for about a year when they struck - and I was just getting back to sleeping through the night myself.

[Rayne of Terror]

The nine month sleep regression was the nadir for us. We'd already had 9 months of being up every 2-3 hours and then from 9-11 months he was up every. 45. minutes. six. weeks. straight. I thought our marriage would end over that. It was insane. We CIO for weeks and it didn't work and the anger and rage was sky high. That child is now 4.

I'm preggo w/ #2 now and will definitely be doing things differently.

[Sara]

This book sounds amazing. Our worst stage of sleep was between 3 months and 12 months. I'm not kidding. It was really really bad. And then it would get better, for maybe a few days, and then it would get horrible again. My daughter is now 18 months and sleeps through the night most nights. And I feel like a new person. I think I was starting to lose it a bit from sleep deprivation (she would wake up every 1-2 hours to nurse, then we weaned her, so to cuddle - or sometimes just to play - because a full hour of playtime at 3am is fun for everyone...).

It's been about 6 months of (fairly) regular thru-the-night sleep over here. I'm sure we're due for another bump in the road though. In fact, I'm sure I've just completely jinxed myself.

[Amanda]

The worst so far has been at about 8 months, when my son acted like his crib was on fire whenever we tried to put him in it. We thought nothing was going to work...crying it out was a joke and my booty felt permanently connected to the rocking chair. It finally passed and now, at 15 months we are at a good place. However, as we all know, that probably won't last forever, so we could definitely use the book!

[Sarah]

I'm going to have to check this book out, and I'm excited that it deals with sleep up until 4 and doesn't end at 12 months like several I've read. I'm also going to pass this along to my sister-in-law who is due tomorrow! I'm nervous she's going to get a lot of you HAVE to do this advice, especially from MY mother. Ugh.

Anyway, worst sleep-wise was 18 months. I was just so tired of getting up to nurse, and he was refusing to come to our bed. Lo and behold, things did get better, and he started sleeping through going down at 7 and getting up at 7. Sadly, at one point a week ago or so, he woke up in the middle of the night and I took him to our bed and now he's waking up again pretty regularly and wanting to come to our bed. It's not that I mind him in our bed; it's that I mind being woken up by someone climbing on my head or jumping in the bed at 6 a.m. He's almost 2, so I'm hoping this is some kind of anxiety/separation thing that will pass soon.

[Olivia]

Although I've tried to block it out, 4 months was pretty awful. I called it the perfect storm of sleep- we had to unswaddle because my daughter learned how to roll over onto her stomach while swaddled, plus we had the regular 4 month sleep regression stuff. It was awful, but it was really around 7 months where I thought I might go insane. My daughter woke up anywhere from 5-8 times per night, and would only go back to sleep if we rocked her for at least 20 minutes. If she woke up upon crib transfer, we had to start the 20 minute rocking routine all over again. Ooof. One day I decided to let her fuss for a little bit (not even cry), and she fell asleep after less than 10 minutes for 10 hours and we've never looked back. I think she just wanted us to leave her alone and let her sleep- we were annoying her with all of our cuddling and rocking and shushing.

However, I know that just because she's a good sleeper right now, it's not guaranteed forever, so the book would be handy!

[Elizabeth]

Our hardest sleep time was 10-12 months. We knew he was old enough to be sleeping through the night, physically (didn't need to eat, active enough to need 11+ hours of solid sleep, etc.) and he wasn't doing it. It didn't help that all our fellow new parents' kids were all sleeping through by this point (or so they said!). Turns out it was darkest before the dawn and he was consistently going 12 hours by just a couple months later, but I was so frustrated and exhausted that winter.

[Sherry]

I'd love to read some advice on how to get my 24 month old to bed earlier and shorten the bed-time routine that's turned into an hour-and-a-half-or-more marathon, ending sometimes around 11 p.m. Sigh.

[Ally]

We're past the age cut off but I'd like a copy to read anyway, and then pass along to someone who could put it into action. I've got several friends who are currently expecting and/or with babies.

[Rachael]

I need this book. I really, really, really need this book - although my son is 5. Do you think I can fudge it?

[thebazil]

Our worst sleep stage so far hasn't involved nighttime sleeping at all: but around 12-13 months, she was waffling between two and zero naps. We have a super hard time going down for naps at all around here, and there was a lot of travelling going on, and she settled into a one nap routine eventually, but oh good lord, she would get just so, so tired and not sleep at all ...

[Diane]

Right now? NOT SO GREAT. Toddler who is suddenly afraid of the dark PLUS a 20-week-old. Yeah.

This still isn't the worst, though. The worst was the first year of #1's life. The flashbacks, gah.

[jane]

As a mother to a 2 and 3/4 year old and an eleventh month old (who share a room), I would love to know the timing windows. The older one is struggling to go to bed at night and by the time we get her down, the younger one is up ready to nurse. I would love some sleep . . . Thank you!

[Shandra]

I think my worst was around 9 months old - where you couldn't set the baby down or he'd wake up again. I ended up sleeping in a rocking chair. If I have another I'm getting a recliner.

[mia]

Worst time was when oldest son was 12 months and I was going back to work full time from staying home full time. We were co-sleeping and feeding on demand and I had made him a promise not to change things more at the same time. The little brat went from a couple of wake-ups a night to 10-20 little snacks... Oh the sleepy days. And nights. There was hardly any point in trying to fall asleep since I would be awoken in a few minutes anyway.

(The whole phase blew over in less than two months.)

[Jamie]

The hardest time for me is about two months after the arrival of a new baby -- I'm bothered not by the baby's wakings but by the nighttime antics of the next-oldest child, who used to sleep fine until the baby came. I know it's normal and I can handle it for a while, but it starts to grate.

[CG]

Our worst was last summer, right around 18 months (surprise surprise). The sleep regression was compounded by a fairly serious illness that freaked him out. We had to stay in his room until he fell asleep and then try to tiptoe out with our horrendously creaky old floors. Most of the time some loud CREAAAAK would wake him up and start the whole thing over again. This was also repeated in the middle of the night.

[sasha]

thanks for the review, moxie. i want a copy of this book and will either win one (fingers crossed) or buy one, so thank you for the heads up. we had silent reflux, constant ear infections, hardcore teething, GI stuff, no bottle feeding at all, nursing for 23 months, AND lived in the woods with no family, friends, or support. my husband travels A LOT, so was away for the entire 4th month of my son's life (perfect timing with the sleep regression) and many, many additional weeks here and there during these first two years. i have only started sleeping six hours straight in the last month or so. would you include me in the drawing?

[SarcastiCarrie]

Can I comment 1,446 times? Once for each night of my almost-4-year old's life.
I mean, because the sleep deprivation has been THE WORST PART OF PARENTING. He's almost 4 now, as I said but I repeat myself because my brain is mush after 4 years of this. He sleeps as much or slightly less than I do. He just doesn't need it. Until occasionally he falls asleep on the floor during Wheel of Fortune once a month and sleeps until morning. I am starting to think that utter exhaustion is a sleep training method for the stubborn. Oh, the stubborn.
I never did understand new parents who said things were fine, ok, great even. I thought they were liars, or delusional, or possibly depressed. Until I had a second child. And if my second was my first or only, I'd think I was a whiner or a wuss.

I recently gave a pregnant friend all my pregnancy and child rearing books. There were 4 books on pregnancy and childbirth, 5 or 6 books on breastfeeding, one general parenting book, and 15 books on sleep. Apparently, I figured if I read enough I could will him to sleep. I got a lot of good info from Weissbluth and used a lot of his scheduling information, but nothing that could make a kid sleep more than his body needs. And the No-Cry Sleep Solution just made me angry. And Ferber, well, Ferber and I have no love for each other. And Jodi Mindell. And the Ezzos (who I hate with a red-hot passion). And the American Academy of Pediatrics book on sleep was bland and unhelpful. And I took tricks from each of the books and left the rest and figured that when my son was in college, I would call him at 5 am every Sunday morning just to let him know I'm still here and thinking of him. Revenge Time. I'll send cookies too, so his roommate doesn't hate me.

[MrsHaley]

Our worst stretch of sleep has been the past 7 months. DS has not slept through a night in his life, which, at 7 months, isn't saying much. BUT he hasn't reduced the number of wakings since he was a newborn. He gives me a 3-4 hour stretch in the beginning of the evening (starting at 7pm) and then every 1.5-2 hours to nurse the rest of the night.

Gah.

Everything I've tried has been worse than the problem itself, so I've adopted Moxie's attitude that it's not a solution if you hate it more.

[Claire]

My worst stage has definitely been the 4 month regression, and a close second is every time my daughter gets cold (she's in daycare - this happens often)! Then I contemplate sleep training/taking away the pacifier, and then things get better...and I go along and do nothing until the next blip. But I'd love a book that lets me know when the right time is!

[Christine]

Sounds like the perfect book.

I think the worst, with my son who is now just three and didn't sleep through the night till after 2, with a bit of a regression when his little sister was born at 2.5, was the long, long period where he'd be wide awake for two hours a night, possibly three or four nights out of every seven. For months on end. He slept on a mattress on the floor in his room, and when he called at 1 or 2 or 3 am, I pretty much just resigned myself to being sucked from or jumped on for a couple of hours, and spending the rest of the night there. I think I did live in a bit of a haze for two years, though.

So far with no.2 things are not too bad, but she won't sleep without me past 11pm or so. I just brought the mattress back out straight away, instead of spening fruitless hours trying to put her back in her crib and getting up every 20 minutes.

[Melissa]

My son's first 9 months were horrible, mostly due to allergies and reflux that no medication could touch. My husband and I took shifts sleeping with him in the family room and a 3-hour chunk of sleep was something rare and precious. Right after he grew out of the reflux, my daughter started having nightmares and needing attention every night. These days they're both sleeping well (knock wood!) but my son is only 21 months, so I'm preparing myself for more fun times ahead.

[hydrogeek]

The worst for me was when #1 was 7 months old and was pulling the wake up every 45 minutes routine. Seriously thought I was going crazy. With a 28 month old and a 5 month old, I could sure use this book!

[Sylvia]

3-4 months was hell, with the HOURLY wakings ALL NIGHT LONG for weeks and weeks and weeks and weeks at a time. Months 1-2 were probably bad too but I really don't remember. Also 7-11 months. Also 13-15 months. Since then it's been OK. She never consistently sleeps through but we're getting there... I hope.

[Melina]

I feel like we are in the worst stretch right now. My daughter is 8 months old and her sleep has been getting worse for the past three months. She wakes up every 1-2 hours for most of the night. She sometimes gets a 3-4 hour stretch in and her father and I high five each other in the morning like that is GREAT! We tried some tips from No Sleep... to try to disassociate sleep and nursing and now she wants to be nursed AND bounced AND shushed to sleep, so the routine now seems much harder (for me, at least). She also occasionally wakes up for an hour or two in the middle of the night wanting to play.

I remember when she woke up every 2-3 hours and that felt bad, I would read descriptions of babies who woke up every hour and think "it's not that bad, please don't let it get that bad..." but it did.