Anger. Management?

You guys asked for a post on anger and managing anger, so here it is.

I have to say that I don't have a whole lot on managing your anger in the moment. I'm not afraid of being angry in front of my kids, as long as I don't get mean to them. So for me, the "in the moment" stuff is more about focusing (and refocusing) on making sure my anger is directed at what I'm really angry at--behavior or a situation, not a person (in the case of my kids). I try to let my kids in on my anger, if that makes any sense, so they understand it but aren't flattened by it. But the whole "count to ten" or "take a few deeps breaths" things, those I just can't seem to do.

What I do think I'm pretty decent at is trying to stay out of situations that make me angry, and stepping back to figure things out when I feel myself getting (what I sense is) irrationally, monstrously angry.

I know we've talked here in the past about using your anger to heal yourself. There seem to be stages at which parents get truly, ragingly, scarily angry at things their kids do. And those stages are different for everyone. I think that when you flare up (out of proportion to the event), that's a place at which you didn't get what you needed as a kid yourself.

So, for example, the reason I just go batshit nuts when my kids leave paper snippets all over the floor (while other kinds of messes annoy or demoralize me, and might make me yell, but don't make me feel like jumping out of my skin), is that I was consistently in trouble with my dad for leaving snippets all over the floor. I can remember his coming home from work and just seeing red (in my memory he looks like a cartoon character, with steam coming out of his ears) and freaking out about the snippets. So, duh, of course that's going to be a sore spot in my psyche, and of course that's going to be a trigger point for me.

I have to say that my Snippet Rage has gotten seriously reduced since I wrote my dad note, apologizing for leaving snippets, and telling him I was getting my comeuppance with my own kids. It made me laugh writing and sending it, and made him laugh when he read it, and kind of diffused (and defused) the emotional hold those stupid little pieces of paper had on all of us. But I think to get rid of the anger even more, I'd have to do some conscious work with verbally rehearsing with myself that it was Ok for my kids to make snippets, and it was OK for me to make snippets, and the rela issueis just that we should all clean up after ourselves.

In the comments to Wednesday's "tricked" post, Rudy in Paris said that it was the whining that made her irrationally angry (I'm using RiP as an example because I know her personally and don't think she'll mind being an example). Now, whining makes me want to gouge out my ears sometimes, but it's not that intense, unstoppable, unmanageable anger for me like it is for her. (You know what's normal anger and what's irrational for you.)

So my guess is that RiP has some whining-related sore spot from her own childhood, so her daughter's whining isn't just about that particular whining, it's about that whining *plus* whatever RiP was whining about at that age. In order to really get past her anger about the whining, she's going to have to do some work about whether whining is OK for her daughter, was it OK for her, did she get irrationally punished for whining, etc. If she's not interested in doing a big childhood emotion-search, then she could focus on redirecting her anger so it was hitting her daughter's behavior but not her daughter so much. And that might be just a small tweak, but it might be the thing that flips it for RiP.

Once again, parenting is hard, but not always for the reasons we think it's going to be!

Another thing I've noticed is that when I'm feeling like I'm running at capacity (another idea a ton off people brought up in the comments on Wednesday!), I get angry more easily and more often than when there's a little ease in my life. For me, it seems like I'm affected emotionally more than logistically. So, for example, I was really angry all the time in the few years right before I made the final decision to get a divorce. OTOH, my life was far more challenging logistically when I was working fulltime (plus doing AskMoxie and working freelance) and in the middle of the divorce process, but I just had more emotional reserves and didn't feel angry as much. (Perhaps being able to be honest with my friends and not lying by pasting on the happy face all the time had something to do with that.)

What that means to me is that I should try to build some ease into my life if at all possible. But sometimes it's not possible, and that means that if I get angry I should just cut myself a break. Emotionally healthy people get angry. It's a normal human emotion. As long as you can try to redirect the anger from meanness at a specific person to rage at a behavior or situation, you can express anger to your kids without hurting them. (Some people might debate that, but I'd rather hear one of my kids mutter, "This stupid* thing!" when a toy isn't working right than getting angry at his brother because the toy doesn't work.)

The one trick I have when I find myself starting to wg out at a kid is to try to turn it funny as quickly as I can. So instead of laying into the kid, I use the same intensity of tone but make it silly. I'm always proud of myself when I can do that instead of letting the anger get on top of me.

I guess this is consistent with my general M.O., which is to try to manage the situation as much as possible, and then just do my best in the actual moment. I know some of you out there have to be much better at anger management in the moment than I am. So, please, share what works for you. Or, just give your thoughts on what I've said and debate and give your own examples.

One final thought: It really is OK to be angry. You have a lot of stuff to be angry about! The anger isn't the actual problem, so cut yourself a break on the anger.

* I'm putting "stupid" to keep up the pretense that I've never cursed in front of my children. Heh.

Comments

[SarcastiCarrie]

A day a few weeks back, I got irrationally angry (actually, it was totally rational given all the other things going on, but was disproportionate to the actual mis-deed). Anyway, I yelled. And not just a little voice raising but some kind of primal scream to get the tension out (the yelling was not directed at either child...more toward the universe...my head was back and I was looking at the ceiling). BUT, my yelling freaked the 3.5 year old badly. He started crying. So, I hugged him, told him mommy was angry and needed to be put in a time-out. And then I put myself in my room (if only I got one minute for each year of age!) to show that we all need cooling off. Then, when my time was up, I came out and hugged everyone, said I loved them, and apologized for my scary behavior.

The next time I felt this coming on a few days later, I told the kids that mommy was angry and needed to take a time-out before she did something scary. I'm also pretty good at the counting to ten but sometimes I need the physical distance of the time out.

I also sometimes scream and stamp my feet in the bathroom when I just don't understand what is so fricken hard about washing your hands before we eat. I can actually here myself say, "It's not like we wash your hands in sulfuric acid."

[lucee]

I am in the midst of what we are hoping is the 18 month sleep regression. Hoping, because, if its not, and this demoralizing, demanding, hair pulling, eye gouging era of no naps, tears before bedtime and 10pm-4am wide awake crazies is permanent; I might defect.
And its making me MAD. For the first time I was mad with my baby. His whining (tired tired tired) following me around and hanging off my leg made me so cross the other day. I had to get something done. Not getting it done was not an option, otherwise no one would have eaten. There was no time to go give a hug, and now he is 26lbs carrying him around is not an option either. I spoke sharply and of course he didn't understand and it made him cry even more.
Later I actually apologized to him, which perhaps he understood, not sure. But that was important to me; because my mother never apologized when she spoke meanly or shouted or did something wrong. And she didn't do much wrong, but when she did she would have died before apologizing and even as a little girl that impacted me.
Sometimes though the anger I am most worried about, is the anger or frustration over something random and unrelated to him that I let out, sometimes not appropriately. And then I see him later on getting frustrated and yelling. And yes that is what a toddler should and does do and then learns how to cope with the frustration. But then I look at myself and wonder how appropriately did I learn to cope if I am still hollering over the most insignificant of stuff!

[anonforthis]

This is an issue that has recently come up in my life with my husband and I know what he said filters into it with the kids. We had an argument and he was telling me that sometimes when I get angry I can get spiteful meaning it is the person and not the behavior that I am angry with. That is my upbringing. I was good or bad not my behavior and ever since reading about focusing on the behavior here and in other places I am really trying to do that with my kids but there are times when I fail and fail dramatically.
I agree that when I am running on empty that is when the disproportionate anger comes out. For me the things that bring out my anger are the whining but also the endless repetition that comes with the toddler stage

[Eva]

I find that my anger management is a day to day operation. Some days I'm terribly proud of how I handle things (making up spur-of-the-moment nonsensical songs is one successful trick) and other days I just explode with yelling. The hardest thing is when my 4-year old behaves miserably in PUBLIC...at these times (and it's often enough, let me tell you) I just lose it. When we're at home, in my own world, I can totally ignore his behavior. I think because I know I can walk away and he's safe at least (our apartment is so small, I'm constantly aware of his whereabouts), whereas when we're outside I am just beside myself trying to JUST GET HOME. It kills me when he won't budge on the sidewalk and the cold wind/rain is blowing on a NYC winter day and I can't just walk away because I can't leave him on the street. Ugh, gets me every time. Occasionally it will work to offer a piggy back ride, but other times not at all. I'm always appalled with my own behavior during these times. I inevitably take away a privilege for that day (whether it be TV or toys or dessert) and that makes me feel a bit better...a tangible consequence.
And like Lucee said, I always try to apologize if I feel that my behavior was out of whack for the offense.

[Eva]

The way I've written it, it sounds like a take a privilege away from myself when my son misbehaves...just to clarify that he's the one who has to give something up. I do apologize though if my yelling gets out of hand.

[mrsgryphon]

I realized this past weekend that I have great reserves of patience for most of the day with my daughter but when it comes to the every-day-must-do-no-negotiating tasks that result in arguing from her, I absolutely lose my cool. It's the never-ending, repetitive stall tactics and flat out refusals to do the simple things like put your shoes on, get your coat on, brush your teeth, wash your hands after you use the toilet etc that make me snap. I've realized that I am a creative parent, and I love talking to my girl and figuring out solutions, but I just don't know how to handle the brain drain that comes from having the same arguments over and over. I haven't figured out a way to make that easier for us but with a new baby arriving in 7 weeks, I need to do something soon.

[AnonForThisOne]

About eight months ago, I found myself blowing up at my kids, especially my 4YO son. I would get scary angry -- shaking, burning with fury, ready to explode. I got so angry that I needed to leave the room to avoid doing something I would regret. I usually went somewhere to scream into a pillow and pound something to try to help get the anger out, but it didn't usually work. I was terrified of myself, and so afraid that I would do something to hurt my kids, emotionally or even physically. Thankfully I didn't!

I knew that this wasn't me. Something was terribly wrong. After a couple of months, I started to realize a pattern to my anger. I only felt that crazy fury on certain days -- usually the days following the start of a new package of birth control pills. I would feel monstrous the first day, and then start to slowly get better as the week progressed. After a few days, I felt like myself, on a more even keel and able to deal rationally with problems rather than let them get the better of me. The next cycle, I turned into a monster again.

I went to my doctor and discussed the issue with her. She told me she'd had patients experience similar symptoms, and she switched me to a pill with a lower hormone dosage. The effect was amazing! I feel so much better! I am myself again. Sure I get angry, but I can deal with it now. I don't scare myself (or my kids) anymore.

I'd never had trouble with the higher dose before. I was on it for years before my first pregnancy, and I *think* I never had any problems. Something happened after my second pregnancy that changed my body so that the high dose affected me in a terrible way.

I just thought I'd throw my story out there in case anyone else has some similar issue. Thank you for this topic, Moxie!

[Cathy]

I'm not sure where to start.

First there's the frustration - when the kid looks old enough to be capable of something, but isn't really, and it could be doing the dishes in a through, quality-controlled way (did you know young teenagers can't multi-task? http://www.livescience.com/health/050517_teen_thought.html) or something where either you've said it 1000 times and/or the little kid is stubborn, or a control issue (you can make me do the homework, you can't make me turn it in; you can't make me eat more than the chicken skin, etc. This article was interesting too: http://www.livescience.com/culture/090324-toddlers-listen.html)

Then there's the taking care of your own self part - once we, the adults, are over extended, then you add one more stupid thing onto your plate and the anger overflows. (e.g. when I came home from work with a sick little kid, hungry and tired (both of us) and find out that the big kid has been doing exactly none of the things that he's supposed to be doing....ugly situation, although normalish behavior for all of the kids involved, but at the time, hard to remember that he's a good kid.)

And then there's the inherited factor. My husband is the 2nd of 6 kids. He was left in charge from a too-young-by-today's-standards age. And if the younger kids got into trouble, he got into serious trouble too. I don't think he realized that if his kids don't do well, no one is going to hit him.

So, there are some things we're working on: listening to our bodies - are we tired, hungry, fried, etc; having faith that everyone will turn out to be what and who that they are supposed to be; listening to each other, when someone asks for help or sounds tired.

[pnuts mama]

mine is control-related.

as in, when i don't have control of a situation (or person, god help me) i lose my temper. big time. is it connected to my childhood? most definitely. bio mom died when i was a toddler, bio dad was then and still is an alcoholic, mom who raised me had similar anger/control issues, i could go on and on.

i could self-diagnose and self-analyze from now until eternity, but the point is, i just don't know how to deal with my anger in the moment, period. and i am acting like an asshole and treating the people i love the most like shit. so. there it is.

[My Kids Mom]

mom confession: I yell at my kids. I go in when they're asleep at night and apologize.

We've tried all sorts of positive reinforcement- my kitchen is covered with a paper chain, one link goes on for each nice behavior. But it isn't enough. When I've asked nicely a thousand times, I finally yell. They listen when I lose it, so it probably reinforces me.

[Moxie]

You guys are really thoughtful about this!

About the hormonal birth control--I'd like to put in a plug for NuvaRing. My midwife recommended it because it's the lowest-dose hormonal BC out there, and I've been loving it. It's easy, and I've had none of the side effects I saw back when I was on the pill (even a low-dose one).

My Kids Mom, I wonder if it's a mean kind of yelling or a frustration nothing-else-works kind of yelling? My mom remembers herself as a yeller, but I don't remember a childhood of being yelled at. So I wonder if your kids are just kind of tuning you out when you speak normally, so they experience the yelling as a normal level of communication, and not meanness?

I also wonder if you could ask them to help you not yell by coming up with a system for them to do what you need them to do. I don't know how old your kids are, but my 7-year-old has been old enough for a year now, at least, that if we're having a real problem I can ask him to help come up with the solution and then it sticks better.

Cathy, this broke my heart: "And if the younger kids got into trouble, he got into serious trouble too. I don't think he realized that if his kids don't do well, no one is going to hit him."

pnuts mama, I wonder if exploring being out of control would help you reset. Like, if you gave yourself permission not to be in control, and to experience that fully, several times, could that diffuse some of the anger and kind of hit a reset button in you. I don't know if it'll work, but it might.

[pnuts mama]

i would love a reset button! i am intrigued by the idea of letting go of control, i need to think about that. like "what's the worst that could happen if..." the thing is, i was never like this as a kid- i was oblivious to controlling things and was so laid back it drove my mom nuts. as a teenager i was sort of starting to be a control-freak about some stuff (this was also when i realized my dad was an alcoholic and things came to a head with his life spinning out of control), went back to being laid-back in college/post college when i lived away from here (and had a nice stoner lifestyle) and lived a pretty responsibility-free lifestyle. i miss that. so much. it is the crushing weight of responsibility that wears me out to a thread and i snap at the slightest thing- running at capacity is a good way to describe it, unfortunately we have been running over capacity for what seems like years.

the person i feel worst for is my husband. i was not like this when we met, or for most of the years we were together. this definitely came on when my mom who raised me died and we moved into her house to look after my uncle, had ramped up as he has become more dependent and we had kids. my husband was diagnosed with a heart condition this past winter. the guilt i have over bringing him this life is killing me. it puts a strain on our marriage, even though he rarely complains and is a freakin saint in what he does for our family and for me. i worry that he will come to his senses and leave this insanity.

if nothing else, thank you for the forum to vent this. i have been stalled at the "knowing there is a problem" phase and haven't been able to get past it yet. i'll be reading all weekend.

[Cloud]

My biggest problem is frustration that bubbles into anger. Right now, I can handle most outright misbehavior because Pumpkin's only 2, so I know she doesn't really know better. I don't think getting mad at her will teach her, so I can usually keep my cool.

But, oh, the frustration at the universe when I'm running late, and she dawdling in that 2 year old "I have to work through it all on my own" way, and I am having trouble with morning sickness, and why oh why did that jerk at Hubby's work schedule an early morning appointment anyway? Couldn't the folks in England just stay later?!?!?!

The trick I use to try to handle the frustration without doing something scary is one I picked up from Hubby, who is just about the most even-keeled guy I know. We met at work, and we were both computer-types. He'd be sitting at his computer, typing away and then all of the sudden just say "Naaaaaa!" This was his way of handling the intense frustration of having a piece of code that he'd been working on fail miserably, or to having just spent 2 hours trying to find the bug only to have it turn out to be a glaringly obvious typo or something like that. (Believe me folks, this is really, really scream-inducing frustrating, particularly when you're on a deadline.)

Anyway, I started doing this at work. And then, when we started dating and later moved in together, I found myself doing it at home. It is surprisingly effective. If it is a particularly bad day, I stamp my feet while I say "Naaaa!" because I am someone who needs a physical release to anger.

Now Pumpkin is starting to pick up on it. She'll mimic me. She's far cuter than I am when stamping her feet and saying "Naaaaa". She thinks it is a game and giggles, which makes me laugh and generally makes things better. We're also trying to teach her that this would be a way to deal with anger that is better than, say, biting that classmate who just stole her toy. We're having less luck on that front.

And I'm definitely coming back later to read about everyone's tricks, because mine is by no means foolproof, and I know that misbehavior is going to start annoying me more as my daughter gets older.

[epeepunk]

Thank you Moxie for helping me to find the piece I wasn't getting before. My trigger is being ignored by the kids. And thinking on it, as the youngest in my family, I was often tuned out by my siblings or parents because of what else was going on. (I know that I do that sometimes - Mr G will be telling me something about school which is therefore more important than Ms R's story about the doggie. I'm trying to make sure everyone is getting heard, and asking to interrupt.)

Anyway, when I'm asking the kids for assistance, or trying to inform them of the schedule, and they just sit there in their world, when, that's batshit time.

I recently reread the NVF book on anger, which works to get you to see the triggers of the anger to work on catching it before it's anger. Now I'm able to frame this as a need, and now we can problem-solve (because we're all about the problem-solving in our house.)

And I definitely agree that when I'm not feeling compressed, either by schedule or actions, I can have the patience to wait. It's when I can't wait that I explode.

[can'tbemeagaintoday]

Anger is the #1 reason I am divorcing my husband. He has a mean temper - not physical but emotional and verbal. When he gets mad, he gets mean, and his words are like scattershot, the purpose is to touch on as many mean things about the person he is angry with (always me) as possible. This is how he was raised by his single father - being yelled at and criticized constantly. He is capable of holding it together - and is often very successful with our older son (baby too young to be angry with) mostly because he knows how damaging it can be from firsthand experience. However, I am not so lucky. So before my young sons learn any more from him about how to treat a woman and a wife, I'm getting out. I worry about how his anger will affect our kids as they get older....but all I can do is provide them a safe, healthy relationship and environment where anger is expressed and managed in a healthy manner and hope that the contrast will teach them the difference between "Okay" and "not okay", and teach them the skills to manage their own anger by modeling them myself.

As for tips for how I manage my anger, I try to make my feelings and process as transparent as possible. I talk a lot out loud about how something is making me angry, and how my body is feeling and then I talk about how I try to make myself cool off (easier said than done - works best for small things that don't make me THAT angry but a good opportunity to talk and model when it "doesn't count"). I talk a lot about repair work after really losing my temper and how important it is to check in with someone after an argument or a disagreement. It's okay to be angry or to disagree, but it's not okay to hurt someone's feelings in the process. So saying something afterward to my 3 year old like "Boy, I felt really angry earlier when we couldn't agree on cleaning up your trains and I wasn't feeling listened to. But I had some time to cool off now and I want to apologize for my tone of voice." We usually have some good conversations about that. I don't know if it's working (is anything working? Won't know for 20+ years)....but I do know he's able to say to me or my husband "Your tone of voice is hurting my feelings. I don't like being talked to that way." which ALWAYS makes us stop in our tracks and back up. So I guess something is working well in this huge mess.

[CoachNancy]

I wish I had more time to craft a response as this is a subject that I feel passionately about--teaching our children how to deal with powerful emotions and modeling it with our own behavior (which includes statements such as "I am feeling angry, I need to take some deep breaths to calm down"). On a large scale if we could all be working towards this it would lead to a more peaceful society in my opinion.

Apologies for not reading the comments,I am always impressed with the insights here. I read Moxie's with some good key points. Knowing triggers and managing triggers, structuring your life to reduce stress, and cognizant choices in how we react to others are all important when it comes to anger management.

We have some good info on our website here on anger management and children: http://tinyurl.com/7kflpg

I love that you are bringing up this topic and talking about ways to manage anger--it's so important.

Have a great weekend, everyone!

[definitelyanon]

Two things (and I have this problem too, so just thinking out loud):

1) My therapist seems to think that this kind of anger--the kind that is not mental illness or compulsion--is a kind of canary in the coal mine signaling that things are out of balance. But then what do you do if you don't have any other options for the way things are arranged? Stupid patriarchy. Even for those of us with cool partners.

2) Moxie, you wrote a while back about teaching kids to redirect their frustration so they don't hit/bite, and I remember a commenter citing research that found that aggressive redirection (punching a pillow, e.g.) tends to increase anger, whilst non-aggressive physical exercise, like running around the room, tends to diffuse it. So what if we were all to try some exercise, like jumping up and down, or crazy dance, or the mini-trampoline, or stationary bike, or whatever, when we feel like yelling or worse? Just a thought. I might try it.

I screamed this morning over pinching. Great modeling, right?

[Cloud]

@defintielyanon- so I guess #2 is why when I really lose it and do something like hit a wall, I'm still mad (and have a sore hand), but when I can keep it together enough to use Hubby's "say Naaaaaa" trick, I usually get less mad. Interesting.

And for those of you worrying about occasionally losing it with your kids: My Mom has one heck of a temper. She doesn't get mad often, but when she does she tends to really let loose. I remember her yelling at me and scaring me sometimes as a kid. I remember that one time I went and hid in my room under a pile of stuffed animals. I know she wishes she hadn't lost her temper occasionally, but it didn't happen that often, she never threatened me, and she always came and apologized later. I do not feel at all scarred by the experience. In fact, the honest truth is that one of my mothering goals is to be as good of a mother as she is. She has always been such a positive presence in my life, and I have felt lucky to have such a great mother since I became old enough to realize that not every mother was so great. Becoming a mother myself has only increased that feeling for me.

My point is that we're all only human, and our kids don't need us to be perfect, just good enough.

[hush]

Amen, Cloud: "we're all only human, and our kids don't need us to be perfect, just good enough." And amen Moxie, "Emotionally healthy people get angry... it really is OK to get angry."

Just want to add that the flip side to all of this is the fact that some super effed up people never, ever get angry. That's effed up! They never get angry because as kids they were never allowed to get angry, they were punished for showing anger & other negative emotions, they were never told "hey, it's ok to be angry! you're human. it's normal to get angry sometimes." So as adults, that bottled up anger manifests as other things that are much, much harder to manage. If you're angry and you know it - that's a really good thing, that's something you can work on.

And another thing, speaking as the adult child of a rageaholic mother - when you've lost your temper with your kids, believe me, a heartfelt apology goes a long way. Even if it is years later.

[Eva]

Thank you for your comments, Cloud. Insightful and so true. There are things my mother did that bothered me as a child, but they do not linger and the overriding feeling is that I am so lucky to be her daughter. I hope that my boys feel the same about their occasionally explosive but still always loving mom.

[ramy]

I am so glad for this post. I'm going to print it out and read it (and then follow up on the comments). This has become a huge problem for me--and the last time my daughter through a non-whining but really angry fit I realized I needed to make some modifications. When your 4 year old imitates you and it looks absurd you know you need work on things!

[anonny-nonny]

I'm really identifying with the whole childhood bad stuff/present anger thing. In our family anger was NOT permitted. Oh, we got angry, but you'd be significantly punished for feeling that way. And having an opinion was worse. I have a tremendously hard time standing up for myself or even having a regular discussion with my husband becuase I have no idea how he'll react to my opinion. It's a gift motherhood has given me though- when it comes to my kids I will say anything or do anything necessary to make sure they are well cared for. If only I could do it for myself.

My only move is to leave the room when I'm angry. It's not uncommon for me to set the kids up to play in one of their bedrooms and for me to hide out in the bathroom for awhile. I just can't even begin to deal with my anger. Most of my anger is over my marriage. I know that that situation needs to change, but I can't deal with conflict either- trying to decide whether or not I can handle leaving my husband has kept me ill for the last 6 months. I feel like a spineless idiot that I can't either leave him or ask him to go to counseling. I think he could change some things, that we could work on things together, that I can learn how to talk with him better... but maybe so many bad things have happened between us that it can't be recovered. I don't know.

[CG]

@can'tbemagaintoday, I wish you the best as you figure all this out.

I get mad when my two-year-old is breaking, scratching, hurting something/someone. We are living so close to the edge around here that if I see something being broken that I'm going to have to fix, or a willful mess being made that I know I'm going to clean up, I want to scream. I just don't have any more to put in. Most days we really manage fine, but there's not much room for error. I don't have a good way of getting him to STOP WHAT YOU'RE DOING RIGHT NOW without yelling or yanking him away, neither of which I feel very good about.

I don't have any great tips. My mom was the best mom ever, but she dealt with depression while we were growing up and occasionally really lost it with us. One memorable time she slammed out of the house yelling, "I hate this family." Ok, I do have a tip: don't do that. She still feels horribly guilty about it.

[maria]

Argh! Thank you so much for this topic!!! I struggle with anger and feel like the worst mom in the world. I have a no hitting policy but I have found myself at times pushing the envelope - grabbing, squeezing her hand or arm, things like that, and also yelling. I am careful about what I say - I do not call names, I always talk (yell/scream) about the behavior not the person, but it feels awful and out of control, and is not teaching my daughter the right things.

I am coming out of an abusive situation, starting to see how abusive it really was, and I have a ton of anger about that, as well as leftover childhood anger and cetera. I know that mostly the anger that I direct towards my child is misplaced and out of balance, and I really really hate using her as a scapegoat. I work on it ALL THE TIME and it gets better, then slips back, then gets better again.

PMS is a major problem for me, and losing my temper at her is one of the signals for me that I am approaching my period. I need to get a lot better at recognizing the earlier signals, and at taking care of myself in general, because of course you all are right that it's when the physical and emotional reserves are drained that the anger becomes problematic.

It is so reassuring and comforting to come hear and read that I am not the only one to struggle with this, and that the struggle doesn't necessarily mean I'm a failure as a mother.

And I apologize to her in her sleep too. (Also when she's awake).

[tanya]

@can't be me again today: you're husband sounds very similar to mine. I'm in the process of solo marriage counseling & searching my head/heart for the right thing to do. I have a 2 yr old son and also don't want this to be his example. Congratulations on making your difficult decision--you're very brave!

[Cloud]

@Maria, my guess is that when your daughter is older she will see how hard you worked for her when she was a child, and she will be so thankful and respect you for it. I think that if you talk to her about what is going on and how you're working on handling your anger better, you'll be teaching her some great things.

I hope you find the support you need to get the space to deal with your (rightful) anger over the abuse and to build up your physical and emotional reserves. I read your comments and am always struck by how hard you are trying to make the best of what sounds like a truly difficult situation.

Good luck, and be kind to yourself.

[Clementine]

For me, it's the stress from trying to keep the wheels from coming off the family bus, so to speak. I try to maximize time with the kids and give DH (SAHD) as much time off as possible, but I'm working full-time and it's getting really hard to keep everything rolling along. There's just always something more that needs to be done. And, some issues with work stress and unclear limits and expectations are there also. I don't yell at the kids (too young to be held very responsible), but I occassionally get terribly frustrated and angry at myself and my husband. And, yeah, there's some yelling. The worst of it is in the car on my way to work. When it's in my head like that, it's nearly all-consuming.

Like pnuts mama, some of it is about control. I can handle the first 5 or 10 things that don't go as planned, but by the time we're up to 20 with more coming, I start to feel overwhelmed and inadequate.

Funny thing is, I hate it when DH is angry or frustrated around the girls, even though it isn't that extreme. I probably don't have a good appreciation for his stress, either.

I was short-tempered as a child and would fly off the handle easily. Looking back, I think some of it was that I didn't know how to handle contradictions (outside input vs. my ideas; contradictory input from parents): can't make these things fit together--aaaaaargh! (And, sensitive to criticism.) My parents made it clear that getting so angry and yelling and slamming doors wasn't acceptable behavior, but they didn't teach me to deal with those angry feelings. I still haven't learned what to do with those feelings. The best I can do now is to disengage and stop caring until the washes of anger pass. I love my children and love having them in my life, but things feel really hard sometimes.

[Betsy]

When I stopped exercising regularly, I found that I turned into a mom who yells and says mean things to her kids that she really regrets.

I hated that version of myself. So I finally learned that needed to carve out the time to run at least 3 miles per day for at least 4 days per week in order to be the best, most balanced version of myself.

[maria]

Cloud, thanks for the quiet support. It really helps. I do try to talk to her about my anger, and be very clear about it NOT being her fault, that she does NOT deserve to be yelled at, and I just have to hope some of it is going in and taking root, it's so hard to tell. She's very reluctant to talk or listen about feelings or anything like that, sadly. She's seeing a therapist, I hope it helps.

[anonforthis]

In reading everyone's comments I have to add to what i wrote above that yes part of my anger stems from losing control and like pnuts mama i did not use to be like this. For me in a recent sleepless night i figured out that being SAHM to young ones is not what i want to do but i do it because it is common to our goals and beliefs. And so in order to function i plan plan plan all day and have everything down as much to a science as i can and so when hubby throws a kink in that somewhere it sets me off. If things are not according to my plan then it means extra from me and i am finding that i am running on empty too much these days (lots of sleepless nights).
I too am in the beginning stage of knowing what the problem and the triggers are for me at this time and now it's just trying to carve the time to handle them.

[lucy]

Thanks so much for this post and for all the comments. I'll be bookmarking this page and returning to it all the time.

Anger is on my mind at the moment, as it is clearly such a big issue in parenting, but I never realized that before having kids. We also have 2 boys, yet I have been surrounded by girls and women my whole life. Having read 'Raising Cain' I really want to make sure that we are teaching them about expressing and handling emotions.

I like the chapter on 'anger ' in "Liberated Parents, Liberated Children" by Faber and Mazlish.

I want to set a good role model for the boys, so that they know that women can be angry, strident, demanding and powerful. I also want to be emotionally honest with them. I have an explosive temper, and I don't want hide my increasing frustration so they are 'surprised' by me suddenly losing it.

I also read somewhere that there is often an emotion before anger - like worry, fear, exhaustion etc, and I am trying to be in touch with that emotion and share that.

For me, when I'm exhausted I take to take it out on my husband, so, although it feels almost counterintuitive, I realize that when I am behaving badly and I feel guilty, I actually need to take care of myself and treat myself gently.

In general I am really trying not to sweat the small stuff, like clothes (We live in N. California. My kid is not going to freeze at the moment. He might be chilly.), wearing shoes (there is very, vary rarely broken glass on our sidewalks, and I'll see it first, hopefully.) and watching too much TV in the mornings. (Hubby does the mornings. I can hear all the chatting and laughing that goes on between them even though the TV is on. Having discussed it periodically, I need to let hubby parent too.)

The explosive issue for us at the moment is 3-year not being gentle with 7-month old. It is driving me NUTS!

[Luann]

Once again I'm living in the Moxie-geist... anger has very much on our minds around here. Being overloaded definitely puts me in the danger zone. Being ignored is a major trigger, which fortunately I discovered years ago during a business communications course on negotiation, so sometimes I can see it coming. Third major trigger is lack of sleep. We are still dealing with the transition from bed to crib (@ Lucee, it *better* be a stage!) Nobody has slept through the night for over a month around here. Knowing my triggers gives me some power, but it doesn't keep me from getting mad by any means.

My husband has his own issues and triggers, including growing up in a very tense household where he was on the receiving end of his mother's anger (which was really directed at his father) among other things that he's been working on in therapy ever since. We work really hard on our marriage, and on our communication, and are trying to model healthy behavior for our 2-year-old son.

The other day we were on an outing with our and in a cluster&%#$# situation: everyone was hungry and tired, the boy had a poopy diaper but diaper rash so was hugely fighting the idea of a change, and we were in a public place trying to find somewhere big enough and safe enough that we could change him as a team while disagreeing about where that place might be. I got really frustrated with my husband, who was all for doing the change in the middle of the place that we were in, while I really wanted to find a more private spot to be wiping the poop off my screaming kid's raw bottom. I was walking behind my husband, who was carrying the boy, when I smacked myself in the head (instead of screaming). I thought they couldn't see me but my husband heard the smack and turned back in alarm to ask what was I doing. Now I had a headache and a freaked-out husband on top of everything else. A low moment for sure. Eventually we worked it all out and took care of the diaper, lunch, nap, etc.

Later that day after we had all calmed down, we were sitting together in the kitchen when my boy said "Mama, please don't hit Papa. Mama, please don't push Papa". He was obviously processing what had happened earlier. He's in daycare with 7 other 2-year-olds so there's lots of hitting, pushing, and biting attempts going on. He clearly knows what an angry, on-the-verge person looks like. Me. Ugh. So I've really been trying to work on this.

Deep breaths for everyone. More sleep, less stress, eat better, exercise, take care of yourself - all those things we know we are supposed to be doing. And we don't do them because we are too busy just trying to get through the day. What a vicious cycle.

Luann

[Yes, anon today too]

Excellent comments and strategies. Does anyone have any good book suggestions on anger-management strategies?

For me, anger comes up mostly when I'm pushed to the edge PLUS feeling inadequate as a parent. I have few financial resources, and the constant undercurrent of guilt about what I can't provide my kid - a house, good schooling, his own freaking bedroom - pushes me over the edge whenever I need to expend extra emotional resources to manage or defuse behavior. I never felt guilty about being relatively poor before I had a kid, and he's too young to blame me for it yet, but the knowledge that he WILL blame me for what I can't give him often sets me off.

[L.]

Similar to Betsy's comment--let's not forget that anger and irritability can be the way that depression manifests itself.

I mean, people also just get angry, but I find that during my low times, I have a really short fuse, rather than, say, crying a lot.

For me, anger can also be a way to avoid a situation I don't like. I can get myself worked up about something my husband did instead of confronting the fact that I am exhausted, stressed, or just in a sucky situation.

I'm not sure if there's one particular thing that gets my goat with my son (24 mos.). But I am taking a class on using mindfulness to address depression and it's proving very helpful in addressing my anger issues in general. (http://www.amazon.com/Mindful-Way-through-Depression-Unhappiness/dp/1593851286/)

[marci]

VGAvgaavg vg a gvavaQF

above courtesy of my 2 year old - and yeah, him messing with my computer makes me angry! :D

[Cloud]

@Yes, anon for today too- I can't help with the anger management resources, but I want to respond to the bit about your financial situation. I can understand the stress of it- I think the only people who say money doesn't matter are those who have never not had enough. Your comment made me wonder if my parents felt this way when I was really little and we were on food stamps and living in a too small apartment in a not so great part of town. I hope not, because I don't remember those as bad times at all. I remember a very happy childhood.

Your kid doesn't need a house or his own bedroom. He needs a good education, but you don't need expensive private school to get that and you'd be surprised what a good education a kid can get in schools in "bad neighborhoods" ranked near the bottom of those silly quantitative scales (I'm a product of those sorts of schools myself, had some excellent teachers, and can look back now and see what the advantages of my not-top-tier schooling were). There are some studies that have found that one of the best predictors of a kid's academic success is how involved his parents are in his education. The one I'm thinking of in particular looked at the impact of a program that allowed some low income Chicago kids to transfer from public school to private school. They couldn't take all the applicants. The kids who got into the program did better than their peers, but importantly, so did the kids whose parents tried to get them in but for whom there wasn't room.

Your kid needs love and support and a sense of security. Most of the adults I know who have succeeded beyond their parent's means are proud of that fact, and certainly don't blame their parents for their more limited resources.

[Margot]

@ Yes, anon today, too: Please don't make yourself feel worse by projecting into the future that your child " WILL blame me for what I can't give him".

He might, but when he does it'll be because he's a kid, with no understanding of what it takes for a parent to give things (material things in particular as well as emotional/psychological things) to their children. Then again, he may not ever blame you for not giving him what he wants, or what you think he wants. You never can tell. What you can do is be the best parent you can--which we all know is *so extremely hard* so much of the time. And we're imperfect at best. But we try, and we try to give our kids perspective about why Mom's upset, or why she feels bad for yelling, or why kiddo can't have X.

From your brief comment it sounds like you are doing the very best you can with the resources you've got--and that's worth gold.

[Sharon aka Mommie Mentor]

My first attempt didn't post. If this turns out to be a second posting, so sorry.

Great Post! Parenting seems to unleash anger that most of us didn’t even know we had. Is it possible to manage anger? What does managing anger really mean? Does it mean shutting it down or exposing it? For *me* it means exposing it.

Anger was a big deal in my childhood. As a child I perceived my mom as always being pissed off. She seemed to have a seething anger running just below the surface that could and would erupt at any time. My parents never apologized when they blew their tops. I grew up thinking that their anger and explosions were my fault. Many years of self-help and therapy taught me that wasn’t true.

When I had kids some of the same things that made my parents mad also made me mad, but my anger was bigger than what my kids had just done and I needed to find out why. What I came to recognize was that my kids were not responsible for my anger; their behavior was the trigger, the anger had a long history of its own. My awareness of my anger began when it was triggered and then became the clues I needed to teach me how to release my anger.

I began to see I hadn't dealt with my anger from childhood, past relationships, being a SAHM, or how I felt when I had to go back to work and leave my kids. I never said what was true for me in those situations and my anger had begun to grow and fester. My anger was becoming intense, over the top and very much out of balance to the kid situations I was dealing with.

Raising my children taught me a lot about the timing of anger. Some one said she read in Faber and Mazlish’s book that there’s usually an emotion that comes before anger, I agree. Maybe you’re worried about something or someone and the kid situation interrupted your dealing with what’s worrying you and you didn’t express that. Maybe you never released a wound from childhood, or maybe you’re royally pissed off for being treated in away that you hated. If you look behind all of that my bet is you will find anger for not saying what was true for you when it was happening.

Being mad or pissed off or angry is your truth in the moment. Anger is a true emotion, look at 2 yr olds, they’re pure truth and can’t hide anything. When they’re angry they let you know it, you help them deal with it, and it is over! It’s okay to be angry. The issue is what do you do with your anger? Do you take it out on the kids, take it out on your self, swallow it, or find a way to release it?

I have found that one great key to all of this is to unravel what the anger is telling you. How do you do that? First look at when you get angry.

I work with four stages of anger in parenting. I’m sure there are many more but I like to keep it paired down so it’s easier to deal with.
There’s the event or the trigger stage.
If flip your lid at this stage then most likely you were already mad before the event occurred.
There’s the simmer-stage.
This is when you go from calm to simmering with anger. Your heart begins to beat faster yet you still have the ability to use your thinking mind and do something about your anger. Maybe leave the room, take a timeout, go for a walk, or do whatever does it for you.
There’s the rolling-boil-stage.
This is when parents open their mouths and begin vomiting their anger on who ever trigger it. This is when we lecture, spread disappointment around and things like that.
Finally there’s the full-blown-rage-stage.
This is when you’ve lost the ability to think; you’ve begun reacting, not responding! This is when you yell, screamed and punish.

We're not bad moms when we get angry or loose it, it happens to everyone. Anger is simply an emotion, not pleasant one, but a real emotion nonetheless. Anger is what's real for you at any given moment.

Should you stop anger? Yes and no. Yes, you should stop yourself from emotional trashing anyone else. If you’re that angry you need to do what ever you do to calm down. However, I also believe that shouldn’t stop anger by ignoring or swallowing it or pretending that you’re not angry. That will only cause anger to come back around and we all know that penned up anger can cause illness and no one wants that.

I have found that the only way to release anger is to pay close attention to it so you can learn what it’s about for you and move through it to release it.

Is it possible to jump off the anger bandwagon before the rolling-boil or full-rage-stage? Yes, either jump off just after the event has occurred or during the simmer-stage. That’s when you still have the ability to think of what to do next.

Don’t know what to do after you jump off the bandwagon. Don’t know what to say to correct behavior when you're angry and don’t want to unleash your anger on your kids? *Shameless plug* My seminar How to Respond NOT React can truly help parents jump off the anger bandwagon, help lead you to what your anger triggers may be and shows you how to correct behavior without reacting.

However, if you are a person who doesn’t even notice that you’re angry until you find yourself raging, go get some help. I love therapy, it’s the only time when I have 1 hour to talk all about me, LOL.

I hope this helps a little bit.

[anon09]

i am loving this post, thanks to all of you. our daughter is two and it's been in the past few months that i've found myself in a boiling rage at times, and it was all about me feeling overstressed, tired, rushed, you name it, but something in her behavior set me off. my intense rage and the way it came on so fast really freaked me out, and i know that i need to learn some other skills for dealing with/diffusing my own anger SOON because, she's two, and i want to get a handle on it NOW.

i found the book "scream-free parenting" by hal edward runkel online at amazon www.screamfree.com and it really, really spoke to me. it's a quick read and even better, it's easy to implement and already has made a huge difference in the way both my husband and i have been dealing with our daughter. basically, it's a discipline technique and philosophy that has given me skills to deal with the behavior that was triggering my rage in such a way that i now feel i have tools that work (knock on wood!) and allow me to discipline calmly but firmly. so, the rage hasn't reared it's ugly head since we've been implementing the skills i learned in the book, and i am feeling really good about how discipline is happening in our house, rather than really bad. it also feels like it's a book i will read again and again as she grows and we are challenged in different ways by different issues.

the jist (gist?) of it is simple: raging out of control does nothing good for you or the kid or the situation (he gives an example about how when you are freaking out/losing it on your kid, you are essentially asking them to do something - anything - to help you calm down, and that's not their job, it's too much responsibility for them, and just picture it: the parent looks like a kid! "CALM! ME! DOWN!!!") but being a calm authority DOES work effectively; your kids need you to be the calm authority; and you use consequences to change behavior, and you let the consequences do the "yelling".

the way it's been working for us has been like this: (our girl is really into her baby dolls right now, so that has become our go-to consequence) she hit me one night while we were getting her in her PJs; i told her "no thank you, do we hit each other in this house? no, we don't. hitting hurts. if you hit mommy again, i am going to put your babies away." and she hit me again, so i stood up and calmly gathered her baby dolls and put them on the top shelf of the hall closet. of course she got worked up instantly and was crying like crazy, but i just sat on the floor with her, and she let me hold her, and we just talked about what was going on. "mama said no hitting, you hit mama, mama put away your babies. it made you so mad, i know. babies will stay in the closet for 10 minutes and then we can get them out" etc. used the word "consequences" and talked it out but also acknowledged her feelings too. counted down the time "ok, we have 2 more minutes until we can get the babies out" and talked a bit more about why we don't hit "not kind, it hurts, we can hug and kiss each other or pat each other gently instead" etc. and it actually ended up being almost sweet! it made me sad that she was crying so hard, but she eventually calmed down, and overall it felt WAY WAY WAY better than it would have if i had lost it on her, you know? we had a rinse and repeat the following night (she slapped dad that time) and i think one other time we've used a consequence, but she caught on quickly and now we just have to talk about it "if you don't get into your car seat by the count of three, there will be consequences" etc, and she gets it! and she does what needs to be done, and we stay (relatively) calm. it is, so far, pretty awesome. so now the consequences are doing the "yelling" so i don't end up yelling. the book stresses consistency, which we aim for in our house too, (along with us parents backing each other up - she's tried the "dad said no!" to me a couple times recently, to see what i'd say) and again, so far, being calm and consistent (as much as humanly possible) has been rocking our world. like i said, we're only about a month in, but so far, it's made a huge difference in our house and, really, in my soul. sheesh, parenting! you know?

[anonforthis]

thank you mommie mentor for breaking down the 4 stages of anger. I think now i just need to get off during the simmer stage and not get to the rolling boil or full blown rage.

[maria]

Yes, reading that made me recognize that what I've been feeling the past few days is rolling boil – sighs, impatience, intolerance – which of course tips over to rage sometimes. Today was better (getting over a cold, feeling better helps).

[Shelley]

Another thing to add about anger and mothers: when my mother gets angry at my dad, my sister, or me, she goes about her business, making it clear that she is Very Upset And Hurt And Angry, but often we don't know who the offender is. This was true when I was a kid, and it's still true, now that I'm well into adulthood. It was (and is) awful, walking on eggshells until it becomes clear who the offender is. You know that T-shirt, "If Mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy"? Well, yes, but I've finally realized that this is a form of emotional blackmail. I have resolved to always be clear about my anger to my husband and my daughter.

[Jenny]

@L. thanks for pointing out that irrational anger can be a sign of depression. I just noticed recently that I was constantly giving over-the-top yelling reactions to relatively small problems (whining, mouthiness, not-listening). Not like me. Along with several other symptoms, it's what tipped me off that I'm probably depressed.

I have no tips on how to handle it. For me it seems to be "ask nicely fifty times and finally explode." Explosion is unexpected, even to me. But at least I do apologize, and I'll be reading the comments...

[Shandra]

I recommend The Dance of Anger if people are looking for recommendations.

@Betsy - you hit the nail on the head for me. When I am exercising regularly, I am much more able to handle my own emotions. When I'm not, it can get crazed.

I have to say though that I've found myself losing it more at work or at my husband than at my son - I think for me in particular my parenting frustrations build up and come out in other ways. Sometimes.

My one flash point tends to be bedtime. If I'm in the state where I just need some down time and my son isn't sleeping (my husband is almost never available at that time) I can get into that knot of rage. I will admit that I have stumbled from the room and gone and hit a bed in the next room. This invariably has freaked my son out so he can't relax and get to sleep for the next three nights (sigh).

Going back to work helped because I'm just so glad to see my kid that it tides us over that hurdle, but other things that help are:

- saying I'm angry/frustrated/upset. This does upset my son, but not as much (I presume) as losing it

- saying I need to go breathe and going and breathing (this has become a joke, that anyone would need to go somewhere to breathe)

- what would really help would be asking for help and getting it at that time but... often not possible (to be fair, my husband does get dressed & dropoff every weekday, so it is not that he does not do childcare; it's that his workday is supposed to end at 6 and it almost never does, even on sat & sun, because his servers Do Things at that time)

[michaela]

@lucy, I love what you said about there being an emotion *before* anger... I am historically "challenged," shall we say, in naming my emotions, so I can really see how identifying that bit before anger could be key.

Like many PPs, I've been astonished at the extent to which mothering triggers anger in me. I am getting better at taking the mindful, silly approach to picking battles - the other day my hungry, tired kid was doing that eye-lock refusal to come in the house for lunch. I could feel the anger rising, but knew that w/ both of us hungry it would turn ugly for no good reason if I forced. So I opened the door and said, Oh my goodness, your feet must be glued to the steps! How did that happen? It's a good thing I have my special glue remover in my pocket. She started laughing as I unglued her feet from the steps and came right in.

I was SO proud of that moment. And then a few days later TOTALLY lost it - chucking shoes across the room and yelling - after an unexpected evening of solo parenting. My husband had a paper due in the grad class he's taking on top of his FT job and needed to stay at work to finish it. And I felt the need - which I often do - to fill our late afternoon/evening up with Tasks and Activities. So we went to Target and then out to dinner... the first place we went was unexpectedly closed, so back in teh car to the diner. And come to think of it, I tried to read the paper while she colored... didn't give her full attention. Then I spilled her milk all over the inside of my purse on the way home. Once we got to the house, I was racing inside so I could go to the bathroom... when she needed help w/ something she's perfectly capable of handling herself, I lost it. I was downright scornful to her. And now that I write this all out -- my apologies for thread-hogging -- I can see that it was a combination of things, largely around my frustration at not having my own needs met, and the collapse of my expectations for the evening.

I'm *so* glad this conversation is continuing thru the weekend; I'd wanted to read yesterday but was on kid duty all day.

[paola]

I agree totally about 'running on capacity' as being a cause of anger. In my case it is what tips the bucket. I have only got back to working (very part-time after being a SAHM for 3.5 years)and finally after 6 months have started to cope more. I love the time away from the kids (kid, as the 4 y.o is at kinder all day) love the fact that my husband does the morning: breakfast, dressing etc, and for 3 hours of the day ( a 1.5 hour commute each way), I can usaully sit down and read and daydream and think without someone asking for something or wanting to be picked up. When I get home it's a mad mad rush. 27 month old who wants 'up' time, dinner to prepare, chores to do, son to pick up. The list is endless. And that is what gets me all reeled up. My issues are mainly anxiety related, a big tight knot in my stomach, but occassionally I do blow up at my 4 year old ( the 27 month old is trully frustrating, but as I have seen all of her behaviour before in my son, and know it's age-appropriate it doesn't bother me so much).

The only way I can really manage my feelings is by getting super duper organised. An odious task (mentioned on previous topic) is the bed-time buildup. I hate it. Noah just fools around none stop in the bathroom touching everything, dripping, spilling. It does my head in, every time. So now, the moment the kids finish eating, off to the bathroom for a toothbrush ( and while we are there I do the nasal irrigation). And when it's finally time for bed, there is only pj's, milk and a story. I cope soooo much better, feel a lot less anxious, and blow up less often too. Now I have to apply this idea to other odious moments of the day like bathtime, dinner time, breakfast time...

[anon]

Sometimes I think I care way too much about what the house looks like, and it pisses me off to no end/triggers crazy rage in me when the kids mess it up willfully after I've just gone around tidying up.

I know it's totally irrational for me to get so fired up about a messy house. It's totally not worth yelling at my kids over it - part of me knows they're just being kids and it's not personal. Kids make messes, etc. So why does it bother me so much?

If anyone has any ideas about how to care less about the state of the house, please tell me.

[pnuts mama]

last night i decided that i am going to list (not here!) everything in my life that i have never had control over, starting from infancy, that would probably be viewed as negative/not healthy. then, i am going to spend some time with that list. i know i think i have dealt with things in therapy, forgiven and moved on, but i don't think so. clearly being a mom is digging up some big stuff for me.

my mom was like sharon's- a simmering mass of low-level rage that lashed out at us all the time. i can barely remember her ever being really happy. i know she tried, and was a great mom in many ways and did the best she could, but i think there is still a lot there that i need to deal with. i'll bet she felt completely out of control, too- never expecting to have the life she was given/chose, either. i wish she was alive to talk about it. but i hated being a kid- and her anger had a lot to do with that. and i don't want that for my kids, not even a little bit. i love these little people with every fiber of my being and it will be failure if they grow up being scared of me and scarred by me.

i need to spend some time figuring out where i need to forgive, and really think about what my expectations are vs. the reality right now. and i'm still exploring the "letting go, being out-of-control" moments, and better recognition of what triggers my explosions. then i'll be able to find ways to "count to ten" etc. etc. thanks, everyone, and good luck.

[Genevieve]

I came from a home where anger wasn't handled very well. My Mother has said in recent years that she definitely could have done more to maintain calm, be a little nicer and more patient. In many ways I can see why it might have been hard to hold things together when she was putting up with my Father who probably added to the building anger/resentment.
Some of what I grew up with was kind of a lesson to me about knowing my own limits and being conscious of reaching that scary angry point. I had to teach myself the difference between effective anger (where you communicate how serious something is and what you are feeling) and the scary fuses blown kind.
And like others have mentioned, I have to sometimes give myself a time-out and think about what is really going on. So now and then it means stopping what I am doing and spending time with other things.
One thing that is hard to deal with is when I am near the end of getting dinner ready, maybe a crucial point and my two year old decides right then and there that he needs me or want something that I can't give him. Usually it is during that 5-6pm witching hour where everyone is a little grumpy. So I have had to learn how to adjust for that, but some days it is hard. The kid has been ignoring you for the last half hour, perfectly content to play with his toys and then the second you are trying to finalize dinner he wants to be held then and there????? ARGH!
One recent trick is letting him pull out pots and pans and pretend he is cooking.
Parenting really humbles the heck out of a person.

[Sharon aka Mommie Mentor]

pnuts mama: What a great start you've already made! Empathy for your mom and her reality is a great place to start.

When I need to release some emotions to someone and I don't want to do it in person, or to someone in my life who is no longer alive, I write a letter.

I ask DH and DS's to leave the house and I spill my guts as I write. I cry, scream, yell and do whatever I need to do to release it. Then I burn the letter and ask "whatever you call the powers that be" to let these feelings be released from my life so I can move on.

My mom was a good mom too, she did the best she could with the resources she had. I tend to forget that at times. Remembering that allows me to be empathetic again.

My instructor once asked me "how would you feel if your children never forgave you for the mistakes you made?" I lost it and cried. I realized my anger was mine, it was living inside my body and impacting my life—not my mom's life! So I took responsibility for my anger and began to forgive my mom. My truth was I didn't like the way I was treated but I had to let go of my anger and forgive. But that was how I did it, and I know we are all different.

Good luck and I want to applaud you for taking on the "big" list!