Q&A: 19-month-old with tantrums

Ann writes:

"My son, who is now 19 months, has entered the wonderful world of temper tantrums. We've figured out that a tantrum is more likely when a meal is later than normal, so we're handling that. I've seen Harvey Karp's "Happiest Toddler on the Block" video, and I was trying that technique (basically, speak for your toddler, matching his/her level of emotional intensity: "You're frustrated! You don't want to whatever, you want to keep playing!" etc.). But here's my problem: frequently, I don't know why he's having a tantrum. I have no clue what set him off, so I can't "speak for him." Also, when I have known what he was upset about and then used the technique, he gets *madder* -- I think he thinks I'm yelling *at* him.

So, for now, it seems that Karp's method isn't working for us (I'm guessing it works better on older toddlers). Any advice on ending tantrums?"

Ah, ending tantrums. If only. While thinking about this question, I realized that I'd texted a mini-tantrum to my mother earlier in the day. So I'm 100% positive that there's no way to end tantrums completely, at least until your child is older than 36. (Although the tantrums are probably far less annoying when they happen by electronic communication than by screaming in your ears. So there's that to look forward to.)

I could give my opinion, but I kind of don't have one because I got my butt kicked by both of my kids in that stage. It's just really tough, and it falls into a huge gap in the literature. You can't really just redirect like you do with babies, but they're still too young for the Dr. Karp caveman method (decent summary here). I've got plenty for dealing with older kids, some of which is similar to Dr. Karp's stuff, but really nothing for this age.

Fortunately, however, we all have Sharon Silver. You may remember that I love her because she's got actual techniques for dealing with the toddler and preschool age, the notorious discipline gap age. (I also love that she hangs out here and kind of provides a little beacon of hope that we'll survive the tsunami years of parenting.) So I asked her to write something for Ann, and her answer kind of surprised me and made me wish I'd known about her and her website (www.proactiveparenting.net) back when my were that age.

Sharon answers:

"These days I see a lot of websites calling any kind of tantrum “a battle of wills”. A tantrum can definitely be perceived that way, but let me share a slightly different take on tantrums. A 19-month-old tantrum is very different than an older child’s tantrum. A 19-month-old tantrum is based in emotional overwhelm and frustration. An older child’s tantrum is based in getting what they want. An older child’s tantrum may cause them to get emotional and frustrated but it begins with I want what I want.

Let me share how a tantrum begins so you can give yourself a break and maybe make a shift in parental thinking. A 19-month-old is just now beginning to see himself as separate from you and that idea can be overwhelming at times. Here’s a step-by-step breakdown of how a 19-month-old finds himself in a tantrum.

He sees a toy he wants across the room, he heads in the direction of the toy and out of the corner of his eye he sees mom walk out of the room. He becomes confused and panicky, should I go for the toy or follow mom? He doesn’t know *how* to decide which direction he should go. He isn’t verbal enough to express his confusion; he wants mom and the toy. He’s overwhelmed with the choice and gets even more scared. Now he feels wet stuff (tears) leaking from his eyes, hears his heart beating loudly and has no clue what that sound is, so he collapses into a total meltdown. He has no idea how he got this upset and becomes more upset because he’s so upset. He’s caught in an emotional circle and has no idea how to get out.

Some children get angry with a parent and kick and scratch but most just fall into an emotional puddle and cry as if begging for help.

If you follow Dr. Karp's suggestions at this point and begin repeating his reaction back at him, I can see how frustrated that would make him. He probably feels as if no one who has a clue is helping him get out of the situation. I would be mad too!

At this point some parents yell at a child to “stop it now” but they can’t. They have no idea how they got in this mess and even less of an idea how to stop it now, so the tantrum continues.

This does not seem like a battle of wills to me. This seems like a true cry for help and I believe it should be treated as such. You need to be his soft place to land, you need to be empathetic and use calming sounds with few words. Do some humming as you hold and rock him, if he’ll let you. If not, just stay close. This allows him to latch on to the sound of your voice and relax a bit.

This will pass as he becomes more verbal. You’ll instinctively know when the tantrums begin leaning more toward an older child’s tantrum. He will become more aggressive and it will be more about I want what I want versus I’m so frustrated and scared that I can’t contain myself anymore.

Yes, tantrums can easily occur when a child is hungry, sounds like you figured that part out. I just wrote an article on tantrums and food; here’s what I suggested.

Parents of young children can create a container in the refrigerator that’s always filled with ready-to-go healthy foods, things like lunch meat, veggies and dip, fruit, yogurt, leftovers etc, since toddlers have no ability to wait. I also suggest you use the food from the container to feed a child this young the bulk of his meal before the family, just like you did when he was a baby. This allows you to have dinner at your regular time, creating less rushing for you and less tantrums for him. I know eating as a family is very important, but it’s not the eating of the food that’s so important, it’s the time spent together. Since your child has been partially fed from their special container, which kept the tantrum at bay, now invite him to finish dinner with the family or have him join you for desert. This way you get to have a calmer family meal with less tantruming.

No parent can truly know what a preverbal child is thinking or feeling. I hope this helps you give yourself a break."

Hooray for giving ourselves a break! Thanks, Sharon. Ann, I hope this helps with your little guy.

Comments

[Stephanie]

This sounds SOOOOO much like my 22-month-old daughter! I get the sense that she's just starting to figure out that she might be able to use emotional outbursts to get what she wants, but the vast majority of her meltdowns are just pure emotional overload, especially fueled by fatigue, hunger, thirst, and wanting to be able to do something herself that she's not totally able to do yet.
Example, she's begun potty training herself, but if she sits on her potty for a few minutes and nothing happens, she ends up flinging the empty potty across the bathroom. We're totally not pushing using the potty, but seeing older kids at her daycare consistently going on the potty has made her want to do it, so when her mind is set on the potty, she won't let us get anywhere near her with a diaper. The only thing that helps in this situation is to be calm and consoling. To hold her close and then let her run around without a diaper. After a little while, she'll usually let us put one on her, and the episode is over.
So I totally agree with Sharon that tantrums at this early stage are about being overwhelmed by feelings, about feeling out of control and helpless. They can be so hard, but I don't think there's any way to actually stop them once they've started. Just being there as a safe place is the most important thing we can do as parents.

[hedra]

:raises hand: TESTIMONIAL!

Since I can remember this age, I can say from my side that Sharon has it right.

I still liked hearing the feelings response from my mom, but not quite the Karp version. You don't have to speak for him in the full depth. I liked being heard, very much. I just needed it ALL to be heard and reflected, not just one thing. (For example, one of my biggest freak-outs my mom still remembers, and it was about the sun not being under my personal control, which I'd thought it was. Seriously, the day I realized that I didn't command the universe was shattering. She fortunately didn't try to figure out why I was upset, just recognized that I was, and commiserated with how hard it was to be me right then.)

Usually if I was having a tantrum, it was about everything. EVERYTHING that was hard. If my mom had just talked about the one thing that just happened, that would have been confusing - even if she got it right for the triggering event. My mom instead talked about everything that was hard, in what I call the 'litany'. (I mostly remember her sitting with me on her lap and talking, and not really understanding what she said but still 'hearing' it.) (see: http://hedra.typepad.com/hands_full_of_rocks/2008/05/things-my-mothe.html )

I remember more clearly when she did it with my brother. She'd sit down on the floor, and just go through the whole laundry list of why life is so hard at this age. "You want to do things and when you try them they don't come out the way you want. You need to be able to choose, and other people tell you no. Your siblings have cool things to play with and they say you can't play. You try to run, and they go faster. You try to jump and the floor doesn't work right. (etc.)"

It probably helped that she remembered being that age, too. Everything is new and most of it is external or seems outside of personal control. Beyond just the wet stuff leaking out eyes, it is also the sick and shuddery feeling, the physically overwhelming sensation of the feelings that come out of NOWHERE. They don't seem to be internal, they are just as much external as the ground that got in the way of my foot and made me fall and bit my knee when I landed.

Worse, these feelings are mine alone, at that age. Parents obviously have no frame of reference - if they felt the way I was feeling, I'd see them collapsing to the floor in tears, too. It's very lonely, and scary, to be overwhelmed and see that nobody else ever feels this way.

For some kids, the Karp reflection is perfect because it shows that others can feel this way. But not all kids want a full reflection. Many want a calmer version, more like a tree to cling to as the storm of feeling buffets and blasts. (The litany works there). Some movement and response (not a 'rock'), but not just another object caught in the maelstrom.

And there are some kids who just want a quiet sheltered spot - no words at all, just being-with.

Mr B really just wanted someone to be with him when he was upset. He didn't want the litany while he was upset (he liked it better - though not often - when he was calm, later) - it just reminded him too much *why* he felt so miserable, and made it worse. He needed me to be willing to just be with him while he raged and wept and expressed his fear and confusion. By being willing to be with him calmly and kindly (just sitting near him, aware of him but not All About Him - no direct focus, just aware proximity), he could translate that even these fierce feelings and reactions were not 'unsafe'. I didn't have to flee them, and I didn't have to force him away from me. I created a shelter by being present, a way for him to think 'I feel really out of control but I'm still safe - Mom proves it because she shows she's not afraid when I feel this way, she's not scared, she's right there next to me. I am okay, even if it doesn't feel good to me.'

For Miss M, the litany was the most powerful thing. She needed to hear someone else say out loud how challenging life was for her, that it was indeed overwhelming, that it was scary, tricky, confounding, enraging, and that these feelings were logical reactions to her life experience. She was more upset by feeling like her reaction was somehow out of line, than by the feeling itself.

For Mr G (and for all of them, really), it helped to show them (by talking through my own feelings out loud) that I feel these same feelings. It's a good education for the adults, too, to find out what the feeling expresses like physically, and talk through how we get past that. Like, 'My stomach is tight, and I feel like crying. I feel a little sick, too. I'm feeling scared and worried. I saw that something happened to a pilot for FedEx, and I know a pilot for FedEx. I'm afraid he might be hurt. It doesn't feel good. I'm a little shaky, and my thinking won't settle. I'm going to take a deep breath and remind myself that I don't know anything for sure. There, my body feels a little better. I'm still worried, though. To find out, I'm going to email my sister, because she knows him best. She'll be able to tell me if he's safe. Oh, good, look, she replied that he's safe. Now I am not scared for him. I'm sad, now, though, because someone still got hurt. I don't like it when people get hurt." For Mr G, knowing that I felt it, too, in other situations, was a huge help.

must run, hope that helps, too.

[paola]

I remember my daughter freaking out in the shoping trolley in a shopping mall when she was 20 months old. She was perfectly fine in the trolley as I was pushing her around the open space area, but the moment we actually went into a store, total freak out. She had never done this before, so I presummed she had reacted like this because she had felt a jolt and thought she was going to fall. I walked out of the store, took her out, cuddled her, then proceeded to put her back in, where she was calm until I went into the next store. Again, went totally and utterly berserk. Did the same thing. The child calmed down in an instant. This time I puposely tested her reaction ( by this stage I was more crious than anything). I walked inot another store, the kid went off her head. When I saw I was not going to get any shopping done, we picked up and went home.

You know what, she never did it again. I thought, holy shit, I hope she hasn't developed an aversion to Shopping! Fortunatley not. Seriously, I remember that day so well. She had only slept 40 minutes, my husband and I were on holiday in Australia, it was raining so we left Noah at home with my mum, and went to the local shopping center to kill some time. I'm sure it was like what Sharon mentioned, she was tired, confused, frustrated, probably her sugar level was low and it was all so over-whelming for her.

Now (at 26.5 months) her tantrums are so much more willful. The last few days they have been non-stop ( she has just gotten over the chicken pox, is itchy and just popped a molar). She will freak out because she wants yogurt and then doesn't want yogurt and then when I take the yogurt away, complete and utter melt-down with banging of head on table. Then in 30 seconds, it's over and she is a happy little vegemite again. So frustrating.

[Slim]

Once again, and I hope without sounding defeatist, I would like to remind everyone (including myself, Heaven knows) that having a bag of tricks and techniques *helps* make things go *better* than they would without the bag o'tricks. That does not mean that they will consistently go *well*, no matter how wise and well-informed your handling of the situation may be.
Which is not to say "give up." But give yourself a break, and don't beat yourself up because you've tried everything and nothing works. Maybe nothing is working right now. It might work in a few minutes, or an hour, or later today. Or tomorrow, or . . . You just never know.
For me, tales of "I did the following, and it worked great" are sometimes heartening, and sometimes dispiriting, depending on whether my doing that turned the situation around or did precisely fuck-all.

[Jojo]

I've had surprising luck with just holding my son and saying "it's OK to cry". It doesn't always work, but when it does, it's golden!

[Kelly]

My two boys were, naturally, Night and Day. Day would only continue the tantrum if he had an audience (most namely me), so I walked away. If he followed I'd walk faster, peaking behind me to turn it into a game of chase eventually. Night screams harder if I leave, and will keep screaming until I talk to him and ask what's wrong and why he's screaming and if it's making him feel better and, most importantly, if he's ready to stop (he's very verbal so that's easy with him, but even if your child can give "yes" "no" answers it might be worth a try).

Both Day and Night have/are learning that Mommy doesn't put up with pointless tantrums. I could just care less, which sounds harsh but it's taught them that they need different methods to get what they want/need besides screaming and throwing themselves to the floor. That's not to say it doesn't happen, but it's pretty rare. I found out, too, with Day that hungry increases the likelihood of meltdown by infinity + 1 so I try to make sure they stick to a very set routine for eating and if there's deviation from that, for one reason or another, I have snacks (or complete understanding and compassion when they subsequently melt).

[Nutmeg]

My son is about 27 months old. He's in the middle of the pre-verbal type and the older child type. And I remembered reading sharon's advice when he was about 18 months old standing in the middle of the store, and he had just thrown a crazy tantrum because I wanted him to leave and he wanted a toy. He had finally decided he could leave the toy section and he was walking away and I was about 20 feet in front of him. Then he stopped, looked at the toys, looked at me and threw himself on the floor screaming. He just couldn't handle his internal conflict.

I take two approaches to tantrums and my kid throws a TON of them, but they are VERY SHORT. I get down near him, ask him if he wants a hug and about half the time he really, really does. And he hugs me and I tell him how things are frustrating etc etc. The other half of the time he throws himself on the ground and is kicking and screaming and I tell him he's not allowed to hurt me (it's not Safe (tm Hedra)) and I walk away for about 30 seconds and then come back offer hug, rinse repeat until he's done and wants the hug and a sip of water and then we debrief on the event (even when he was younger we would debrief and he's not an exceptionally verbal kid, ie just started using short phrases about 26 months).

In a few months when he gets a little more verbal I'm going to try Hedra's stopping your feet thing because he clearly needs to kick and get out agression at these times. He sometimes resorts to biting himself (though not others, but biting yourself isn't safe either) because he's so frustrated.

So, do I have a secret weapon... no, but ignoring it combined with offering affection when desired, might be shortening things. It also might be how I describe it to people. E. has a short fuse and it burns fast. So he has a lot of really short tantrums and that's just who he is. Or I might be helping make them shorter. He seems pretty resilient immediately afterward, like he's finally gotten some anxiety out of his system and feels less stressed.

[caramama]

I love Sharon. :-)

While I like a lot of things in Karp's Happiest Toddler on the Block book, the caveman speak is not something that has worked for us. At least not yet. I see now that it's because of how Sharon explained what's going on in the mind of the 19 month old.

My 24 month old is highly emotional and sensitive. And she shows these emotions fully, and feels them fully, too. Most often I get the tantrums with her when it's time to go to bed. She doesn't want to go to sleep, she wants to go out of the room, downstairs, watch a show, find daddy, whatever. But she does NOT want to lie down and go to sleep. She gets emotionally overwhelmed and frustrated that she can't do what she wants, and I think it's extra frustrating for her since she finds it so hard to fall asleep.

For my girl, what I mainly do that seems to help at all is the calm, sympathetic voice. I only kind of say why I think she's upset, but I see now that it's not the why I usually think. I realize that it's because she's overwhelmed with it all and frustrated which why she throws the tantrum.

Mostly I say things to her like, "Poor Pumpkin. You are so upset and frustrated! It's so hard, isn't it? You are a poor little girl." She usually calms down a little, but her tantrums at night go on for quite a while. Eventually, if she seems calm enough, I ask if I can have a hug, if she hugs me we snuggle a little things usually get better. Also, if it seems at all feasible, I use the distraction technique.

I've also had good success with Hedra's litany before, but that's only if she's letting me hold her and comfort her, which is not the norm lately.

But like Slim said, it's all just bags of tricks that hopefully help. Sometimes, I just have to let her melt down and be there with her until she crawls up into bed, exhausted, and finally falls asleep.

Other tantrums I handle similarly, but my husband deals with the witching hour in the evening, so he'd have to answer about those.

[caramama]

It appears my post was swallowed into the great abyss. Luckily, I copied it before I hit post (if this ends up being a duplicate, I'm sorry):

I love Sharon. :-)

While I like a lot of things in Karp's Happiest Toddler on the Block book, the caveman speak is not something that has worked for us. At least not yet. I see now that it's because of how Sharon explained what's going on in the mind of the 19 month old.

My 24 month old is highly emotional and sensitive. And she shows these emotions fully, and feels them fully, too. Most often I get the tantrums with her when it's time to go to bed. She doesn't want to go to sleep, she wants to go out of the room, downstairs, watch a show, find daddy, whatever. But she does NOT want to lie down and go to sleep. She gets emotionally overwhelmed and frustrated that she can't do what she wants, and I think it's extra frustrating for her since she finds it so hard to fall asleep.

For my girl, what I mainly do that seems to help at all is the calm, sympathetic voice. I only kind of say why I think she's upset, but I see now that it's not the why I usually think. I realize that it's because she's overwhelmed with it all and frustrated which why she throws the tantrum.

Mostly I say things to her like, "Poor Pumpkin. You are so upset and frustrated! It's so hard, isn't it? You are a poor little girl." She usually calms down a little, but her tantrums at night go on for quite a while. Eventually, if she seems calm enough, I ask if I can have a hug, if she hugs me we snuggle a little things usually get better. Also, if it seems at all feasible, I use the distraction technique.

I've also had good success with Hedra's litany before, but that's only if she's letting me hold her and comfort her, which is not the norm lately.

But like Slim said, it's all just bags of tricks that hopefully help. Sometimes, I just have to let her melt down and be there with her until she crawls up into bed, exhausted, and finally falls asleep.

Other tantrums I handle similarly, but my husband deals with the witching hour in the evening, so he'd have to answer about those.

And I also wanted to mention that my child is HIGHLY verbal, yet she still gets overwhelmed with emotions. So simply being verbal doesn't resolve the issues or always change them into the older tantrums. I truly know that she doesn't tantrum simply because she's trying to get something. Rather, she is overwhelmed with the emotions and thinks the things she wants will help her. Or something like that.

[hedra]

@slim, very good point. These things are my data points, but that doesn't mean they are everyone's - too many variables, and I only have a sample of four.

I also want to define terms, here: My mom was 'good at this stuff' which means 'sometimes she remembered to do it, and sometimes what she did worked' - and that's IT. That IS good, perfect is not required.

I'm the same - sometimes I remember, and sometimes it works. I figured out over time what worked for most of my kids, trial and error, which means lots of error.

And sometimes they'd just outgrow the stage before I figured it out, too.

The correlary points are that sometimes ALL you can do is show up today, and try again tomorrow, and hope there's one blessed moment in the day that didn't suck rocks. (I also noted this here, caution: my brother's death is mentioned: http://hedra.typepad.com/hands_full_of_rocks/2008/05/things-my-mot-1.html )

One of the very valuable things Miss R is teaching me is that I don't HAVE to figure this all out. She actually would rather I didn't figure it all out. She prefers to be a mystery, an enigma, a cypher. She doesn't WANT to be understood and empathized with all the time, thanks. Sometimes, yeah, okay. But me seeing into her too far is a violation of her boundaries, and so she holds her boundaries more firmly until I can see less, and know less, and understand less, essentially until I stay on my side of that line more. She wants me to be there for her at her choice, not at mine. She's not even always clear about when that is. AAHHHHHH! But if she *really* needs me, she will let me know then. The in-between stuff where she's not sure if she needs me, that's the iffy part. And if I try to take over deciding if she needs me, if I over-help, she ends up feeling worse (perhaps like I don't trust her to handle it herself, which I also hated as a child - being helped when I didn't really NEED help made me feel helpless, and powerless, and ashamed, and weak, and awful). At least Miss R is very fierce about defending that particular zone. Help her at your peril. (All our kids are intense about that, but she's the most fierce.)

Many many ways, and the measure of success is not whether we feel successful, or if the 'problem' ceases, even. It's really if they grow up to have a bit of a sense of themselves and a general understanding of how they function, and can afford their therapy bills. And we won't know the answer to whether we're successful until we see how they are well after adulthood (my mom says about the age that people start having kids is when you start to see if you did anything 'right'; and even then I think you can't tell if it is YOU that did it right, or just the way they were all along that is 'right'.)

[Amy]

At that age they're old enough to have desires and young enough that they can't express them yet. It gets SO much better once they can talk.

Baby sign was awesome. It gave my kids the ability to ask for things before they could speak. We didn't teach much - but the sign for "more" was especially useful. "More" with a point can mean so many things, hunger, thirst, more toys, more time at the park, etc. and just being able to say what they wanted made a humongous difference. They learn it quickly at that age, too.

My advice - teach the kid a few signs - more, drink, eat, and play - and see if that doesn't help a ton. All you have to do to teach them is do the sign when you say the word. "Do you want more?" and tap your fingers together. It'll only take a few days for the kiddo to pick up the sign.

Incidentally, teaching sign didn't interfere with my kids' language development, as some have suggested it might, at all.

[Stephanie]

Just wanted to say that the 18-19 month period was really hard on my son, now 23 months. I agree with what Sharon said, that it seems like this is a cry for help, particularly if you can't figure out why he's tantrumming. One thing I don't think I saw mentioned was teething. At that age, my son was getting his first molars and they were terribly painful for him. He would get frustrated and upset totally out of proportion to the situation, but the reality was, I think, that his frustration was simply too much to take in addition to the pain of teething. So ... yeah, a cry for help was accurate for us. Now we have the two year molars coming through and I am seeing some of the same behaviors, poor baby.

[meggiemoo]

I'd like to question whether we NEED to end tantrums...

May I just suggest that tantrums are inconvenient/uncomfortable/embarassing for us as adults, but they actually serve a purpose for our children?

A great read is "Tears and Tantrums" by Aletha Solter. Here's a quote from the review: "Solter teaches parents and other caregivers about the psychological and physical benefits to children of crying and raging; the causes of crying in infants and older children; the implications of repressing tears and strong emotions, which include behavioral problems and stress-related illnesses; and providing emotional safety to encourage healing."

Sometimes children *need* to cry and *need* to tantrum. How else can a preverbal child express their emotions? Cutting a tantrum off before it's completed could just result in those emotions leaking out again and again. I've found that if I allow my son to finish what he's started (no matter how painful it may be to me), he gets it out of his system.

The key is to stay close, offer physical comfort if allowed (not all kids want to be held during a tantrum, though), and wait it out.

(Of course, as Sharon pointed out, tantrums in older, more verbal children are much different. And your reaction can be much different. Now my son often wants space when he's crying...but I always let him know that I'm close by when he needs me. I usually hear a pitiful, "Mama, I WANT you," when he's ready to stop.)

[mom2boys]

Ah tantrums. He has them - big emotions, big reactions. This morning he made himself throw up while standing in front of the bathroom door crying (screaming really) because he wanted back in there to explore the contents of his favorite cabinet drawer.

When he is tired he totally loses any ability to transition. That's his biggest trigger for a huge unexpected tantrum - tired meet change and boom.

But frankly, at 18 months, the kid knows what he wants and when he doesn't get something he really wants he is likely to have a meltdown in response. He's a great communicator, lack of words notwithstanding, and I usually know what he is upset about - can't have the dry erase marker on the wall calendar, can't have the car keys on the counter, can't have his brother's new bakugon, can't go outside right now, mommy can't pick him up right now - any and all of those things can lead to a head back howl of displeasure or crumpling on the floor. I try and prevent as many as I can see coming and wait out the rest - hugs are good in certain circumstances but if he is genuinely mad - he has to calm down and come see me for a hug - there's no point in trying to hug flailing arms and legs.

I'm in the camp that this is a stage that has to run it's course just like any other. The previous stage was biting and I didn't do anything to make him give up the biting - I just tried to keep my wounds to a minimum while he worked it out - and now he no longer bites my legs every time he hugs them.

[liz]

Boy, I wish I had known Sharon when MM was that age!

[texture amy]

i heart sharon, and i'm bookmarking this. this was how i saw my daughter's tantrums up until about age 2, but my husband thinks *all* tantrums are "i want X!" sharon's description of the emotional puddle will help when the baby gets there, too.

[Diane D]

My son is 19 months old now-- this post came at a perfect time for me.

I especially did a little happy-dance inside when I read the suggestions about suppertime. That's exactly what we do-- feed Ian his supper early (around 5:15) because he can't last any longer, and then we have supper as a family (or we try to) later, around 6:45 when we're home and supper is finally on the table. I kind of felt like I was failing cause we weren't all eating together, and it's been a big stress for me trying to figure out how to make it work better. What a wonderful discovery that what's working for us is actually "ok"!!

I'll be reading all the comments later tonight. :)

[caramama]

@meggiemoo - I agree! I was a highly emotional child myself (that's where my kiddo gets it from), and sometimes I just needed (and still need) a good cry and even to rage a bit (although now it takes the form of verbal venting). This is why I often let my daughter have her tantrums while I sit nearby and offer what comfort I can. I do not try to make her stop, because it's an important release for her, unless she is just winding herself up more and more (which happens). My goal is often to help her calm down when she is ready, or even to help her be ready to calm down, by being comforting and reassuring. As Sharon said, to be her "soft place to land."

The book Playful Parenting also talks a bit about tantrums. He offers (if I remember correctly) that often kids are overwhelmed and can't deal with their intense emotions very well. He says that it's important for the adults to be available and around. He says to not send them to their room until they can "control themselves", because that can teach them not just that tantrums aren't okay but that their emotions aren't okay. He says more, but I don't recall right now.

I think ignoring a tantrum so as not to give in is okay, assuming that you aren't cutting the child off from you completely and you are giving them another valid way to tell you they are upset or show their frustration. But that's just my take. I'm no Sharon or Moxie!

And sorry about the double post earlier. I did add to the second one this, which might have gotten lost in the doubleness of the post:

And I also wanted to mention that my child is HIGHLY verbal, yet she still gets overwhelmed with emotions. So simply being verbal doesn't resolve the issues or always change them into the older tantrums. I truly know that she doesn't tantrum simply because she's trying to get something. Rather, she is overwhelmed with the emotions and thinks the things she wants will help her. Or something like that.

Are you all sick of how talkative I am lately? Sorry! I probably overshare!

[Jen L.]

Wow! Sharon's description of how a tantrum begins was amazing. Good advice all around.

[mom2boys]

I'd like to second third fourth that Sharon's seminars are an excellent resource. I have the first one for toddler's and I found it to be really helpful - doesn't eliminate the tantrums - see post above - but really helps from my side what I do, and it's been really good for dealing with the hitting phase.

[hedra]

@caramama, if you keep trying, you might catch up to me on the over-sharing. ;)

I also agree that there isn't a requirement to END the tantrum, necessarily. We do talk about how the tantrum may cause another problem for someone else, when we remember to do that (I really don't enjoy listening to them, myself, and it becomes hard to focus and accomplish other things). But that's MY problem, and not the child's problem. And we do have rules about not hurting people with your voice (for the two scream-loud-enough-to-shatter-glass kids). You're welcome to your emotions, and you're welcome to express them, and it takes different amounts of time 'being in' the feeling for it to be okay to stop expressing them so overtly ... and there are still safety rules around how that's done.

Another thing that meggiemoo's comment touches is that duration is a valid concern for the child. Miss M is volatile in both directions - she gets upset quickly, and is usually done quickly. Miss R is not - she's a slow burn. It takes more to get her really angry, but once angry, she STAYS angry. She really has to be fully soaked in her feelings to get to where she feels she's done.

This, for her, is also a sensory issue - for highly sensitive and highly IN-sensitive (in the sensory processing way) kids, tantrums can be a big issue. For the ones who feel their body's responses really intensely, they overwhelm faster and are more 'reactive' from the outside perspective. It's more scary, more alarming for them. For the ones who are less sensitive in general, they may need to really get dug down deep into the physicality of the emotion before they can even really FEEL it, so they may 'stay mad' (or 'tantrum') longer so they can get it fully processed. That's Miss R. It's like she can't quite feel she's done until she's been able to absorb it all, and it just takes longer for her to feel it all the way through.

Talking about when we're 'done' with our feelings (and that this duration differs for each person and even for each event) allows us to handle when both Miss M and Miss R are upset at each other - Miss M needs Miss R to be ready to go to the next step (problem-solving, say) NOW, and Miss R is Not Ready Yet. It's very frustrating for Miss M, but she's learning that she has to be patient and wait for the timing to intersect.

This is a big issue with adult relationships, too - the timing of resolution or next action is different between individuals, and the people who are fast on the turnaround can end up feeling like they take 'always have to take action first' - and the ones who are slower can end up feeling like they never get a chance to do things they wanted to do without someone telling them to start. (Granted, some people will procrastinate endlessly on emotional processes, too. But sometimes it's just a timing difference, not a lack of start at all.)

[ruby]

We went through a painful stage with my daughter from about 18 to 21 months. It was so hard! I kept thinking she had some sort of serious mental health problem. She threw big fat tantrums all the time and we often had no idea what triggered it. Sharon's explanation makes a lot of sense to me! I love that she differentiates between early and later toddler tantrums. They are so different. But, every kid is so different too. Mine tends to prefer to soothe on her own. It's just her style and I try to respect that.

I remember one doozy, where she refused to leave one spot in the kitchen, and couldn't stop screaming "No!" at me. At one point, she actually cried so hard that she threw up and stomped her little bare feet in the vomit! I tried to soothe, I tried to be close to her, but she wanted me to leave the room and kept pushing me away. So, I grabbed her blanky, tossed it at her from across the room, and sat in the living room with my husband. We just stared at each other, totally confused and slightly scared of our little beast in the next room. Exactly 30 seconds later, we heard a loud THUD. I ran in the room and she had literally *fallen* asleep in a pile on top of her blanky. It was like an instant switch! I scooped her up and plopped her in her crib. 3 hours later, she woke up ready to play and smiling... insanity!!!

Basically, I feel like this is some ridiculous phase that just has to be lived through. It ends eventually. At 23 months, my daughter RARELY throws tantrums. And when she does, they are brief and can be managed much more reasonably. Hang in there!

[cagey]

Heh. I JUST wrote a post on this myself this week. While my 3.5 year old is pretty easy-going, my 20 month old is starting to give me a run for my money (and HERS.) I had not heard of Sharon Silver previously, but per this post, but she is right on track, in my opinion.

The Science of Parenting by Margot Sunderland puts tantrums into 2 categories - one is frustration and other is about control.

I have found what works best with frustration tantrums is to hold my child close and whisper in their ear "I know...I know..." If I actually DO know what is frustrating them, then I will talk about that as well. If they are starting to really get out of control, I get them to look me in the eye by saying "Look at me. Look at me." When I get contact, I say "It's okay, it's going to be okay."

I wish I could say that I always have the patience to do this and that I always take the time to do so. Sigh. But hands down, when I do NOT take the time to do this, things quickly escalate. This method of Holding and Whispering has nearly always worked for me, except for one very unfortunate time in a toy store. Gulp.

[Jac]

We came up with a "tantrum plan" with our nanny which is something like this 1) try to distract when we see a tantrum coming(at 18 months this works for us about 25% of the time), 2) empathy/litany of woes (depending on the severity of the tantrum this is sometimes a la Karp, sometimes a la Hedra - we read about it on a previous post), 3) if tantrum is still raging we do the "that noise hurts mummy's ears and I can't listen anymore, I'll be right over here for when you need me again."

It's not a perfect plan but I realised (very recently) that the reason it works is because it works for ME. I am the one that needs a plan, needs to feel like I am doing something. I am fairly sure that DS is going to tantrum sometimes no matter what I do - it is what it is, so I am the one that needs a way to cope so I don't flame the situation with my own stress and confusion (and embarrassment when out in public). Just the fact that I have a plan that I can execute makes me feel better able to cope. It's sort of like having first aid - I know the steps to take if I come across an accident scene which gives me some confidence and helps me to not freak out.

I ditto signing. A key sign for us (and the second one DS picked up after "more") was "all done" which made our dinner times A LOT more pleasant - no more screeching when finished or flinging his plate of food at the floor.

[Jill]

FWIW, I'm in a toddler class through our local community college and our teacher knows Harvey Karp - she said he's revising the next edition to NOT have parents match the intensity of the child... So it's not working b/c it's not working for a lot of people. :)

I do think it's good to try to help them understand that YOU understand. "I know you're mad, and I want to help you." Letting them know you know that they need something. But I do find with my 25 month old that sometimes I just have to say "I know youre having a hard time - let me know if you need me to help you or if you want a hug. I'll be sitting right here" and just let him get over it knowing I'm here. Well, let me back up. Usually I say something to acknowlege teh feelings and then try to redirect/distract. If that doesn't work, then I need to just sit back and let him pull it together.

[Janel]

Just chiming in to say that my son had his 2-year check up this morning, and we were handed a pamphlet called "Temper Tantrums: A Normal Part of Growing Up." It has a lot of the usual advice on how to avoid/respond to tantrums, but the main message is that they happen and to a certain degree you just have to wait it out until your kid turns 4, then they'll pretty much stop.

Don't know if that's helpful, but for me it was a nice reminder that this too shall pass :)

[Cloud]

My Pumpkin is also pretty verbal now (she's almost 2), but still has the meltdown tantrums. I'm seeing more tantrums that are about control, but those are easier to handle, at least for us. We have a few set rules, and if she's trying to do something that breaks one of those rules, we'll let her go ahead and tantrum unless we can catch it early enough and distract.

The meltdown tantrums, though, have been harder, because they are often more intense and because they are so baffling. We would give her what she wanted if only we knew what it was! My approach is similar to what Sharon suggests- lots of cuddles, kisses, and reassuring words. I'm so glad to read that its a good idea. Thanks, Sharon!

I also find that sometimes she needs a hug from Mommy to come out of a control tantrum, too- its like she finishes letting us know how mad she is that she can't have her way, and then needs to be reassured that we still love her.

And I second the recommendation for using signing with toddlers who aren't yet talking a lot. That saved us a lot of tantrums in the 14-18 month time period. We started late (basically, we started because they used some signs at day care when she was about 14 months old, and we wanted to know what she was telling us) so we actually saw the difference in her behavior before and after signing. It was amazing. We're completely converted and will start the second baby on signing much earlier.

[A]

Since all of you have some good advice to lend on tantrums, maybe you can help me out with this:

Any advice on a 19-month old not eating at dinner? My son is a great eater a daycare (so they tell me) but at night he just refuses to eat. He will eat his fruit, but refuses to even try the other food on his plate. He then cries until we let him out of the highchair to play. Can anyone give me any advice on this?

[hedra]

@Jill, that's interesting news on the new edition from Karp. I hesitated to call 'uh, no' on the idea of totally matching the intensity, because he's the expert, and I just read neuropsychology papers for fun. (heh) But the neurobiology process says to NOT match (approximate, but toward the more positive end) when reflecting feelings. Maybe the exact match does work for some kids, though, so I left that in there for those for whom it may be the right choice.

From the neuropsych side, the instruction is to reflect 'upward' slightly. If they're happy or excited, then you can be just a bit happier and that's okay. If they're sad/angry/frustrated, being just a little *less* sad/angry/frustrated is also okay. Both are modifying the affect slightly toward the positive, but only slightly.

If you get more than a little off from that measure, you'll get a negative reaction in infants (the basis of a lot of the research) - if you are angrier than their angry (or too exactly on), they get upset. It appears to be because you've now 'misread' them. If you over-enthuse about something that made them happy, they again feel something is wrong. Perhaps embarassed or out-of-true because the reaction isn't tuned to theirs closely enough.

Anyone who had someone 'over-react' on them knows the feeling. The biological norm for reflection of affect (expression of feelings) is that slight offset upward, not either a direct match or an over-react. Get too close to the level of upset and it feels like the other person is trying to take center stage on the feeling (hey, *I* am the one who was wronged here, how come you're reacting like it is affecting you most?), or doesn't care, or cares too much.

Granted, my kids still differ on how much they want me reflecting, but I do tend to end up in the 'reflect slightly upward' autopilot zone a lot.

Ah, the joys of being the additional part of someone else's brain... ;)

[hedra]

@A, appetite is lowest after 4-5 PM in preschool age kids (about 2-5, but it varies). Odds are good he's just not that hungry then, and snacking is about the best you can do for food intake.

You can continue to give him some food to play with at the meal time, and then ask him to ask/sign/indicate to get down when he's done, and then let him down. That is about it for 'setting the idea that we eat together in the evening' - you can't make them want to eat when they're not really hungry. We used to feed Mr G the second I walked in the door with him, and then let him join us for conversation and family time at the 'real' dinner time. At this point, everyone eats at the same time for dinner. The girls actually had appetite after 6 PM pretty early, but the feeding clinic said that kind of late appetite was just a bonus thing, not the usual. Later, appetite carries on much further in the day.

If he's not growing well, or has problems with stool consistency, or other signs of a digestive or metabolic disorder, that's separate. I think it was the post on the 13 month old twins that went into a lot of detail on the feeding behavior thing... check there, too. :)

[hedra]

(2-5 years old, that is)

[A]

Thanks Hedra. He definitely doesn't have any growing problems, so I know that isn't the issue there. I think it may just be that he isn't hungry. I know that he gets a balanced meal at breakfast and lunch, so as long as he continues with that, there should be no need for me to worry. I appreciate your insight.

[mom2boys]

Love the sign for all done really reduces screaming and bowl throwing!!

Love signing in general even though we really only use three or four consistently those seem to be enough to help communication.

And now that his favorite word is No! I'd like to ship him off to all the relatives who told me he'd never learn to talk if we used sign language with him.

[caramama]

@A - Yesterday's discussion included a lot of tips about kids and eating and good book recommendations. You should check it out and see if any of it helps!

[Cloud]

@A- our daughter is an unpredictable dinner time eater, and often eats almost nothing for dinner. She eats a big breakfast and does OK with lunch at day care, so we don't stress about it. We do offer a snack before her bath, too, just to be sure she's not going to bed hungry.

One thing we've noticed is that she tends to start misbehaving at the table if we don't pay enough attention to her. She's almost 2, so I don't think she's old enough to expect her to sit quietly through boring adult conversation. So we talk to her about her day and/or play peak-a-boo or similar games with her to keep her interested in staying at the table. We save the boring adult conversation for after she goes to bed- although we do sometimes get a bit in at the table if she's particularly interested in her food.

I'd say read through yesterday's post about food, particularly the later comments, where we started talking about picky eaters- you'll get some ideas for what other people do. And a bunch of people recommended Ellyn Sater's books, which are indeed excellent for thinking through eating concerns.

[meggiemoo]

@A --

Hedra's absolutely correct...at that age, they just don't eat much at the end of the day. My DS (3 years old) will eat a hearty breakfast and everything in his lunch (no matter how much I send, it seems), but will often only snack in the evenings. I do send extra food during the day so that he can load up if he wants to.

Right when we get home from daycare (6pm or so), I offer a snack and some milk (cut-up fruit, crackers and cheese, veggies and dip). Then when we sit down to dinner about 45 minutes later, we invite him to sit with us (at least for conversation, if not for eating). Sometimes he eats, sometimes not.

I love that people are recognizing that the family dinner is more about the togetherness than the actual physical act of eating.

[Shelby Eidson]

My god, I am so glad this post came today. I'm dealing with 17 month old in same position, except he scratches. It is like you read my mind Moxie today. When he was going through it he wouldn't take a bottle (still on that, but again, loved the post on that too recently), eat any food etc. I really had to calm him down first by just holding him.

I think it may happen with more spirited children too. Just too frustrated and don't know what they are frustrated about and can't express it.

[Cloud]

@mom2boys- we had some (older) relatives who thought signing would delay speech, too. All the research shows the exact opposite, though. And no one who meets my daughter (now almost 2) would say she is speech delayed. She'll talk your ear off.

Our anecdotal observation was that she learned new spoken words as well as signs from the Signing Time DVDs. Now she likes to show me signs- "boots is like this, Mommy. House is like this."

[MrsHaley]

@hedra / Jill -- in the edition of HTOTB I have in front of me, Karp clearly states that you should shoot for about 1/3 negative intensity, not match it (48-49). It's the 2008 trade paperback edition. So if the OP is going to buy one, the newest already seems to have the updated info.

One of the things I repeat to myself when DD is tantrumming is she is not enjoying it any more than I am. She just feels BAAAAAD, not calculating or manipulative or deliberately infuriating, even though it seems like it. I try to remember she does not enjoy feeling so terrible, just like I don't enjoy watching it. That helps to short-circuit my bloody rage, which tantrums seem to trigger pretty reliably. One of my more reprehensible character traits, right there.

[Shandra]

Just to add ideas to the great ones here (and seconding that they might HELP but won't CURE) we found that at that age what actually helped was:

1) as much new physical activity as possible - toddling around the park, zoo, etc.
2) lots and lots of sensory play - splashing, sandbox

It just kind of seemed like it helped him get some of the anxiety out.

But oh I remember him lying in the hallway screaming for over 45 minutes unable to decide which way he was going to go. SO PAINFUL.

[Shandra]

Oh and oh yes, signing helped hugely. My son's pretty verbally advanced, so didn't impact on him negatively (he's starting to read, which isn't I guess verbal but it does continue to build his vocab).

[Jocelyn]

Thank you. Very helpful everyone. I was also wondering about - not just tantruming, but also hitting - not just parents while tantruming, but other kids? How to effectively teach hitting is wrong, protect the other kid, etc.

[paola]

I think it seems natural to reflect the good stuff up and be a little less sad, angry etc. I'm convinced a small child can see thru fakeness, especially from a parent or his/her main car-giver, just like a adult can.

[paola]

upps, that should read care-giver.

[hedra]

RE: Signing, my BIL is an SLP, and even with a speech delay already present (Mr B, articulation delay), he recommends signing as a good activity for language development. It helps with expressive language, he said, because it allows a refined and specific ability to express even before the physical oral dexterity for making the right sounds exists. He sees more advantages than disadvantages.

[sarah]

@A - When my son eats at daycare, he's not hungry for dinner. He's two, and from what I've read most toddlers eat one good meal and two snack type meals a day. Fruit for dinner after a hearty breakfast and lunch sounds perfect.

[sarah]

@Mrs Haley - I have a rage reaction too. It surprises me and I feel awful afterwards, but on several occasions I have just lost it and screamed at my two year old. I feel dreadful, and yet I do it again. Have you learned how to never repeat that?

[Peasy's mom]

Sharon Silver's description sounded right on in terms of what we've been seeing with our daughter, now 22 months old. We recently took a parenting class offered by our daycare. They use an approach called Conscious Discipline (no, I don't get a kick back; it's just really working for us). Anyway, one thing that has really been helpful in making tantrums shorter and less intense (at least at home) is the creation of a "safe space", a place in our home that we go to to help our daughter calm down. It could be anything comforting to your child. In our case, it's a big stuffed dog pillow. Milk is involved and "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star" on repeat. Any ritual that's calming and predictable, I think, can help your child get out of the loop of being freaked out. And you can hang out there with your child. It's interactive (if that helps your kid) unlike a time out. (It does not necessarily take the place of time out; it just serves a different function- calming instead of discipline). We've really seen our daughter calm down pretty quickly and reliably when we go to the safe place. Sometimes, she even asks to go there. Good luck!

[rkmama]

Sharon, will you marry me? Oh, I'm kidding. Kind of.

This post is a great reminder for us because our son is just starting his foray into the wonderful world of tantrums (at 15 months). Right now he's in the loses use of his spine and flops around like a fish stage, which I actually have to turn away from to hide my smile, but having an older child I know what's coming and your insight really resonated with me. (As did @Slim's reminder that sometimes you're just f*cked and @meggiemoo's point that tantrums serve a purpose for the little buggers.)

@A My 3.5 year old daughter didn't eat a consistently normal dinner until 3 months ago. We found for her that she just didn't have an appetite after about 4:30pm. We made sure she was offered 2 healthy (in content and size) snacks in addition to breakfast and lunch and it seemed to be what made her body the happiest. Though we would always offer her dinner she rarely ate it until a switch just seemed to flip and she's been eating dinner regularly for 3 months now.

[Sharon aka Mommie Mentor]

I'm glad the description of a wee ones tantrum helped all of you. Thank you for all the kind words. ☺ You made my day!

mom2boys, I’m so glad you enjoyed the seminar, it's one of my favorites. The tips are a great blend of support and what to do when you NEED to correct behavior in such a young child.

meggiemoo, Aletha Solter is correct. It’s very important to let a child feel their feelings.
JAC I thought your realization about a tantrum plan was great.

As you can see the wisdom mothers here all have a different take on how to handle things. That means there’s no one way to do anything. Which sucks because it would so much easier if there was only one way to do parenting. But parenting teaches in both directions, it teaches the child and it teaches the parents. Personal lessons for all are created when you have children. And each child has a different lesson to teach you. Hedra spoke of her twins in one of her posts today. Each one is teaching her a different lesson about how they wish to be dealt with.

If parents shut down feelings a child doesn’t learn and neither do we. Parenting IMHO is about picking out what works for you, your kid and family and throwing the rest away.

Also I wanted to add that I'm a believer in using the same words and actions when a young child is having an emotional episode. They need something to hook on too as they release their feelings and begin to get themselves back under control. And what you do and say changes, sometimes daily, as they grow older and more in control of their emotions, that's another post!

That’s my two cents, and now I have to go back to work!