In the past three weeks I've gotten over a dozen emails from people with 4-month-olds and 9-month-old asking why their babies are suddenly not sleeping. Which made me realize that I just assumed that everyone who reads here knows about the sleep regressions, but how would we if I haven't mentioned them in too long? So here goes:
At 4 months: Your baby starts going through a developmental spurt that leaves him or her unable to sleep through the night. So even if you've been getting five or more hours in a row, that may go down to two or three hours in a row at night. Once the baby goes through the developmental spurt, the sleep regression will be over.
Naps, though, are a different thing. I don't know where we all get this idea that newborns actually take long naps, but IME it's a dirty lie. Babies seem to be hardwired to take either 20-minute naps or 45-minute naps, until they hit around 5 or 5 1/2 months, at which point the naps stretch out to a better (1-3 hour) length. And you can do all kinds of things to try to get your baby to sleep longer (raise your hand if you've done the hovering-at-the-edge-of-the-crib/cosleeper-to-pop-in-the-pacifier-at-the-20-minute-mark-exactly thing!), but it doesn't work. What does work is just establishing a consistent nap routine, so when your baby finally hits the magical age at which naps happen, you'll be set up to take advantage of it. (and by "nap routine" I mean anything from an elaborate feed-book-rocking routine to saying "time to take a nap, pumpkin" and putting your baby down. Whatever works for the two of you.)
Note: Some babies wil take longer naps from the get-go. Some babies never take naps well. It doesn't mean anything about their future, or your skills. If it seems way out of the norm, investigate. But otherwise, don't stress over it, and take advantage of the opportunities it presents you.
At 8-9 months: Babies hit another developmental spurt and stop sleeping. Their bodies just can't sleep through the night (or however lonng they were sleeping) before. Some kids are very affected at night, some for naps, and some for both. (And some kids of lucky parents aren't affected at all. I hear.)
This is going to last anywhere from a few weeks to a few months. It seems to depend on how your kid slept before. if your kid slept relatively easily before, going down consistently--no matter how you did it--and going back to sleep after wake-ups, then your kid will probably be sleeping fine again by some time around 10 months (I'm guessing 10 1/2 is reasonable). If your kid was not an easy sleeper before, you're going to be in for a longer stretch and your baby may not sleep through until 14-15 months. This is just what I've observed based on the emails and comments about this over the last three years. There's a mini-regression at 13 months, FWIW.
You will probably feel pretty defeated. It seems like 9 months is just about when parents start to feel confident about things, and women start to feel like they may have some semblance of their bodies back (if by "back" you mean that you've noticed that you still have toes and that your limbs mostly work), and the babies are kind of happy and interactive and starting to move around. And then--bam!--your kid's suddenly not sleeping and it seems like it must be something you did and you feel incompetent and defeated.
Personally, I found 9 months to be waaaay harder than 4 months. 4 months just kind of blended in to the first 3 months, in a blur of constant feeding and waking and worry about whether it was all going OK, and 4 months was just slightly bitier than the previous weeks. 9 months, though, knocked me on my ass. I can remember feeling, when my son was 10 months (and about a week away from coming out of that sleep regression), that I was truly the Most Incompetent Mother In The World. And having a serious talk with myself about what, if any, value or self-knowledge I had since the only thing I'd ever known I wanted to be was amother, but now here I was failing so abysmally, so what were my options for the next 50-60 years of my life.
I've gone through some tough times, but nothing--NO-THING--has been the dark night of the soul like 10 months with my first child was.
So, let's share some stories. How did 4 and 9 months make you feel? Anything particularly egregious your baby did, sleeping-wise? How, if you were able to, did you keep your sanity?
THANK YOU for posting this! Since my 9 month old is going through this, I'm almost inclined to say "what 4 month sleep regression?" I feel like this one has swallowed me whole and I can't remember crap.
I'm anxiously awaiting more comments from seasoned readers.
Posted by: Beth | March 05, 2009 at 10:06 AM
Oh, and dead spot on about feeling totally defeated! I just thought I was getting the whole mom thing. I know it's not as bad as the first few weeks being a new mom, but it's quite a new way to undermine one's confidence.
Posted by: Beth | March 05, 2009 at 10:10 AM
Ours have sort of blended into a yearlong vortex of suck with the not sleeping, but I vaguely remember nine months being tough. And we may be goign through the mini regression now, a little early--or it's teeth, or whatever.
I do so appreciate your saying how it's common to think it's something we've done, because my son actually started out a decent sleeper (he woud literally just decide he was tired and fall asleep on his playmat or what have you) and then has gotten progressively worse. And the latest regression has killed me because he WAS sleeping from about 11 to 7 straight through. Then, just as our defenses went down, he was right back to waking up three times a night. ARGH. Now it's usually one wakeup at 3 am for a bottle (he self-weaned right before he turned one) and he's been getting up an hour earlier than he is technically "supposed" to.
So, I guess, I have no point to make except to say thanks for affirming it's maybe not my fault, because EVERYONE ELSE who has a baby my son's age has a baby that sleeps through the night. And many of them (hi, Mom!) like to tell me it's because he's spoiled. And that someday he'll be a teenager I can't get out of bed with a crowbar.
Posted by: AmyinMotown | March 05, 2009 at 10:11 AM
Well, we have just hit 3 months with our little guy and he doesn't seem to be able to sleep for more than 4 hours in one stretch. He did do a couple of 5 hour stints back in the day, but since then; nothing. Also, I have noticed that he has been sleeping even crappier that last couple of nights. Passing out at 7ish, but then up an hour later which is not like him. :-) In any case, I am not worried yet because of what Moxie just said and what I also experienced w/ my first which is that their sleep doesn't really stabilize until 5- 5 1/2 months.
However, I am still confused about the nap situation. I don't want to hijack this thread, BUT, if anyone can give me a tip I would be eternally grateful. Our sweet pea naps. He naps well actually for the most part. Unless I put him in his co-sleeper. What's up with that? He will sleep in his carseat, in the swing, in a bouncy seat...but only about 30 minutes or less in his co-sleeper. I swaddle him. It does nothing. However, if I go in as he is just starting to wake up and start sort of shaking the co-sleeper gently, I can get him back for another 30 minutes or more! with maybe 5 minutes of shaking and shooshing. If you were me, would you just screw the co-sleeper and all the work that goes into keeping him sleeping for longer periods of time, or would you keep putting him in there in order to set up a routine?
If I just pick him up after the 30 minutes, he is fine, but then an hour later he is super tired (of course) and passes out in the bouncy seat, my arms, or the swing. Wherever he happens to be. I can pretty much predict his tired times now so I could "work" to always put him in the co-sleeper, but again, he is guaranteed to have a short and unsatisfying nap.
As for the 4 month regression, when my daughter was going through it, we were up every hour all night long for at least a week. It was nightmarish to put it mildly and it drove me to question my commitment to breastfeeding her since I was the only one on duty (me not wanting to pump and her not taking the bottle anyway). My boobs were also the only things that would get her back to sleep for another 60 minutes. We were not into letting her cry it out so that was not an option. The regression really, really sucks and you just have to grit your teeth, pretend like you are in enemy territory, but hope that once you are out, you can have a shower and a decent meal again.
Posted by: toomuchstrong | March 05, 2009 at 10:21 AM
Dear AmyinMotown, your mom just described the majority of teenagers. ;) I'm pretty sure there's more to it than how they sleep before the age of 5. If not, god help me, because it takes a crow bar to get my 4.5 yo daughter out of bed now.
Posted by: texture amy | March 05, 2009 at 10:26 AM
@ toomuchstrong: Mr. Wiggles napped in his bouncy seat, the Moby wrap, and his carseat until about 5 months old, when one day DH dumped him in the crib and he happened to fall asleep. He's been napping there ever since. Sometimes he has to yell or complain for a while, but his little rainforest soother usually occupies him until he's asleep. We did nothing to establish a routine, besides put him for a nap at his usual times of day, or when he was obviously tired.
Can someone elaborate what happens exactly during the 9 month regression? LIke, if your baby STTN before, what happens now? What are you doing? Feeding? Playing? Cow-tipping?
Posted by: Andrea | March 05, 2009 at 10:35 AM
@ toomuchstrong – napping in the swing seems fine at his age. IMO, I think he’s way too young to worry about setting up unbreakable behaviors regarding sleep.
Nine months was pretty rough. Four months, like Moxie said, was just part of the non-sleeping pattern. If he needed to be held more or woke up a few more times at four months - well, I was so worn out it didn't seem out of the ordinary.
Nine months - he stopped being soothed by the sound of the hair dryer (discovering the magic of the hair dryer was like finding the lost city of atlantis – holy sh*t is this sleeping baby for real?!?) and every night I would start to panic thinking about how was I ever going to get this baby to sleep if the hair dryer didn't work to calm him enough to get him sleepy in the first place? I do know that during each sleep regression I would get to the point of utter exhaustion and end up in tears, holding him, standing in the dark somewhere in the house at 4 a.m. feeling alone and helpless and like the worst mother in the world.
Sometimes when he cries out at night now and I'm in a deep sleep I wake with my heart racing because I think I'm back in the omigod he's awake and never going back to sleep phase.
I wish I had tips or advice to make it better but I think if you have a difficult sleeper, settle in to ride it out the best you can for you both and ignore all the well meaning people who have opinions but aren't there at 4 in the morning.
Posted by: mom2boys | March 05, 2009 at 10:39 AM
Four to six months was a nightmare (and I believe it would have continued on indefinitely had it not been for sleep training), nine months was no problem, but eleven months is kicking my ass. Just thought I'd throw that out there as a data point just in case anybody else is suffering through the same thing. Though it doesn't match the typical sleep regressions Moxie lays out, I do think it's developmental (standing, cruising, the emergence of language, and impending first steps). That doesn't help me be any less miserable in the wee hours, though!
Posted by: Shannon | March 05, 2009 at 10:55 AM
My babies didn't read the textbooks on a lot of issues. we never had a 4 or 9 month sleep regression. Baby one was not a good sleeper, consistantly, for many months on end. Baby 2 only ever had a bad night's sleep once during her babyhood, and that was when she was barfing all night (she was still cheery, though!)
Unfortunately, neither of them are good sleepers now - we had to ferberize baby 1 at 15 or 16 years old, and maybe should for baby 2 (now almost 18) as well.
Posted by: enu | March 05, 2009 at 10:59 AM
@toomuchstrong:
my five-month-old is still kind of in the land of nighttime sleep regression (which was just a continuation of sleepless suckiness), but he naps like a champ - IF i let him nap in the bouncy or the swing (or carseat or my arms). there is something about the angle, i think, that helps him. if i put him in his crib or anywhere flat for a nap, he is awake - BOOM! - within 10 minutes. because my first also did this (and because i let my first nap however she liked as long as she'd sleep, please god, sleep), i'm not worried about this being a bad habit for the baby. he'll get the hang of it later and then we'll wonder why we ever had to use the swing in the first place.
Posted by: texture amy | March 05, 2009 at 11:15 AM
@ Andrea - our 9 month regression has been going for 3 weeks now (since she was 8.5 months). She went from STTN to waking up nightly from 2-4 AM just WIDE awake. Not in pain, not crying (unless you don't hold her) and not interested in eating. So I just hold her and rock and wait for her to fall back asleep. We try not to play so she understands that playing isn't meant for night time. Good times...
Posted by: Beth | March 05, 2009 at 11:16 AM
I too seem to have forgotten about the 4-month sleep regression. Perhaps because it blended into the haze of the first 3 months or maybe because I just didn't recognize it as something unusual.
The 9-month mark, ouch, that kicked my butt hard. It was the first time I was reduced to tears by my daughter. I was so tired and totally at my wits' end as to how to get her to sleep. However, the silver lining was this: I realized that I can't MAKE her sleep. I can encourage and help, that's it.
What got me through that hell was sleeping when she slept and handing her off to my husband. Even a 30-minute nap in the middle of the afternoon is better than nothing. And on the days when my husband was at home, I'd hand her off to him for an hour or two so I could nap. Just because the kid's not sleeping doesn't mean Mom doesn't need to sleep!
Posted by: heather | March 05, 2009 at 11:17 AM
@toomuchstrong: let him sleep where he wants. i believe the term is "by any means necessary"- i know lots of people (us, too) that have experienced the same thing- when they are that little they still like the feeling of being snugged up/curled up/fetal position vs flat on their backs. then, as andrea mentioned, one day you try flat on the back and it's fine. no biggie.
full disclosure: the bean still sleeps in his swing at nearly 9 months. we've decided to suck up the nasty, horrendous sleep regression he seems to be experiencing (just started a few days ago! hooray!)and switch him into a crib, get pnut her big girl bed, and move on.
amyinmotown- i know how busy you are, girl, but man do i miss phrases like: "a yearlong vortex of suck" :)
Posted by: pnuts mama | March 05, 2009 at 11:22 AM
NAPS--my kiddo never really napped (unless it was on me) until he was eight months old. We had to do some serious CIO, and I was unwilling to do that until he got an ear infection. At that point I could see he was exhausted and KNEW his body needed sleep to heal. We were at my in-laws across the country, so he wasn't in his regular crib and I wonder if that contributed to him crying for 45 minutes before he could nap. But a couple days of that and he's been napping ever since. He's now 16 months and he went from 2 naps a day to one at around a year.
(please, I'm very uninterested in hearing about how I shouldn't have let my son cry while trying to get him to take a nap. I tried everything I could think of to avoid that, but I stand behind the decision I made. I was not interested in making my life easier, but rather in ensuring my son had the sleep he needed to heal from a nasty double ear infection. If he'd been willing to nap in the wrap with me for longer than 30 minutes I would have kept him on me, and if he'd ever been able to go to sleep with me in the room I'd have sat with him, but I had exhausted every option.)
Posted by: wealhtheow | March 05, 2009 at 11:23 AM
We are currently going through the 4 month regression with baby #2. And all I can say is that I am taking it SO much better than I did with #1! (This kid is way easier all around, though). While it is frustrating to not get as much sleep as I did last month, it's also nice to not be freaking out right now, worrying that all her good sleeping habits are ruined. It WILL get better in a couple weeks and there's really nothing I can do about it until then. (Thanks, Moxie!!)
She was starting out the night with an 8-10 hr stretch, nursing, and then sleeping for 2-3 more. Now it is more like 5-6 hrs to start and then up a few times to nurse after that. I bring her in bed with me after the first wake-up so at least I'm not having to get UP after that.
Plus, this current "sleep regression" would have been considered a GOOD sleeping phase with my first baby. So having that knowledge helps too. :-)
Posted by: Tara | March 05, 2009 at 11:27 AM
@Beth - Oh, don't you just love those wee hour everyone-in-the-family-awake parties! I thought I was the only one with a baby who would, at various points in his development, wake up for 2-3 hours in a row at night. It's not the frequency of the wakings, it's the length. Ugh.
The four and nine month regressions didn't make much of an impression on me, perhaps because our son slept so poorly as a newborn (up for hours and hours in the middle of the night, impossible to transfer him to a crib or anything, waking to nurse constantly) that any sleep we got in the first year felt good enough for me.
The 18 month sleep regression hit me like a freight train, however.
Anyway, I so agree with Moxie's nap comment. Le Petit has gotten to be a much better napper as he's grown. At first he would only sleep on the move or on the breast, and I went with this until he was nine months old and I went back to work. Then suddenly the nanny had to find some other solution, since she wasn't going to push two babies around town for hours during nap time.
After a couple of nap strikes with the nanny, when we picked up a baby at the end of the day who was so exhausted he fell asleep in his stroller almost before we walked out the door, he started to accept his crib. For her, not for me at first.
Anyway, I definitely noticed that just after nine months his sleep got a lot more organized, daytime sleep especially. I give much of the credit to the nanny, but I think getting through the developmental stuff made a difference, too.
Posted by: parisienne mais presque | March 05, 2009 at 11:34 AM
With my first baby, 4 months pretty well sucked, but it kinda blended in with the tiny babies don't sleep phase. She didn't seem to do the 9 month thing, but 7 months and again at 13 months were craptacular. I remember one night when she was 7 months old she woke up every 45 minutes all night long. And I was so smart I still went to work the next morning. Gah! I won't make that mistake again!
Baby number two has been a pretty decent sleeper so far, but we hit 4 months in 5 more days. Cue the countdown: 5......4.....ugh I hope at 4am I can remember "This too shall pass."
Posted by: hydrogeek | March 05, 2009 at 11:34 AM
enu, you just made me laugh...i keep saying that there will be a time where we won't be able to get these children out of bed with dynamite. sigh.
i was thinking, pnut slept like crap for a long time, but i don't remember anything specific about 9 months- i'm wondering if it's b/c she was delayed physically, so she didn't have all that brain-work distracting her from her sleep? but the bean is definitely sleeping like s-h-*-* and it is obviously connected to the fact that he just started commando crawling the other day as well. he was sleeping well enough from 9-10pm til maybe 5-7am, wake up, nurse and go back to sleep til 8amish. now, goes down at the same time, is up around 2-3am, won't go back down even if sleeping, (i.e. needs to be sucking on me, not even the paci, and is not happy when he's more awake and i am out of milk), and is up for the day at 7am. i know there are many of you who get up for the day even earlier than that, but the only time i can work at home is after the family goes to bed, which means i get to bed late. obviously i need to get the fam and myself to bed earlier. but still.
mom2boys- we used the exhaust fan in the bathroom next to our room as our white noise machine. it was awesome. i seriously considered having one put in the bean's room. which he should be sleeping in, at least part of the night, by the weekend.
@wealhtheow: by any means necessary. seriously.
Posted by: pnuts mama | March 05, 2009 at 11:34 AM
My daughter's 9-month regression lasted for about 2 months. Then we went through 3-4 weeks of good sleep and now we're on the 1 year screwy sleep thing (I don't know if it's officially a sleep regression, or 1-year separation anxiety, or what, but it's driving me nuts!) At least she naps pretty good most of the time!
As far as the 9 month goes... I have no advice, though for myself, my husband stepped up and started letting me sleep in as much as he could (I work early 3 mornings a week, so it was 2 mornings and weekends that I got to sleep past 7) and that really helped after the long nights of multiple wakings.
I guess the only thing I learned was to not talk to her when I put her back to bed unless it was to quiet the crying if she didn't stop immediately upon my arrival. I also did a little CIO, though I learned quickly what her cries sounded like when she was going to settle and what they sounded like when she wouldn't.
Mostly, I repeated "this too shall pass" a lot. It gets better, honest!
Posted by: Christiana | March 05, 2009 at 11:36 AM
Pumpkin was a pretty bad sleeper overall, so I don't remember 4 months being anything worse than what came before. I do remember a really, really low time around 9 months when I went and bought sleep books in a desperate attempt to find something that would make her sleep better without requiring me to listen to her scream until she threw up. If I look back at my blog posts from that time, she was up 5 (yes 5) times most nights around then. As Moxie says, it was a pretty low time. Her naps were difficult then, too, and I remember feeling like a pretty horrible mother. I had every other Friday off then, and I would take her for long walks to get her to nap. I would walk around the neighborhood crying and feeling horrible.
Then, at about 10 or 11 months, things just magically got better. We dared to try nightweaning. We didn't really get her nightweaned, but did get her down to waking up only 1 time a night, which felt like paradise. Day care also got her on a nap schedule around then. I remember thinking that the nap schedule alone was worth all the money we had paid to them so far!
She still (at 23 months) wakes up once most nights, but we get more and more nights where that first wake up is in the early morning hours instead of the middle of the night. Last night, she slept from 9 until 5:50! I was pretty surprised when I looked at the clock when she called out her trademark "Moooom-EEEE!"
Of course, she wouldn't really go back to sleep after that. We bring her into bed with us after the first wake up, and she just laid between us, playing with my hair and talking. ("Mommy turn around. Daddy night-night!") And just a few days ago, I was worrying how we'd wake her up in time to get ready for day care/work once the clocks changed. Ha!
Posted by: Cloud | March 05, 2009 at 11:36 AM
two more things and then i'm done i swear:
1. the last two days the bean passed out in his exersaucer almost an hour before it was his 'naptime' (has been 11am-1 or 2pm for months). took me til today to realize- hmm, if he's getting up 1-2 hours earlier, he'll need to go down for the nap earlier as well.
2. i've also realized that i'm back to newborn mama brain- the sleep deprivation is hitting me hard. i am cranky, short-tempered, mean and miserable. i am also having to write basic to-do lists to get me through the hour, let alone day. items on the list include "shower" "laundry" "clean up kitchen" "lunch" "get ready". deep breaths are helping, as is the light at the end of the tunnel of knowing that eventually, this too shall pass. and coffee. lots and lots of coffee.
Posted by: pnuts mama | March 05, 2009 at 11:48 AM
My kid is 26 months and, dare I say it, the second year was a whole lot worse than the first. She started off as a great little sleeper and then everything went pear shape for 3 months from 4 to 6 monhts. We sleep trained at 7 months and until she was 13 months old it was smoooooth sailing. Her mini sleep regression at 13 months lasted at least 3 months and throw in some severely shitty behaviour and quite frankly I thought I was stuck with a dud. She was so crabby.
Throughout this time, I have to fess up, she didn't actually wake up much at night. She had trouble falling to sleep (woke that classic 40 minutes after dropping off) but once off, she generally did sleep thru until around 5-5.30, when she'd wake for a feed and then wake around 7. So nothing to really complain about.
However, from 17.5 months, her sleep went from bad to worse. 20 months were torture, and 23 months by far the worst for night time wakings (and wanderings.) Throw in 40 minute naps and old misery guts and you have 6 months of hell.
However, there has definitely been a light at the end of the tunnel in this third year. At around 2 years and 3 days she was back to sleeping nights and having decent naps and finally I can see her sweet nature shining thru. Finally!!
Posted by: paola | March 05, 2009 at 11:57 AM
That thing where he'd just learned to pull up and didn't know how to sit down yet and screamed for help? And then we'd sit him down and he'd pop back up again? Like he had NO MEMORY of the fact that he'd JUST SCREAMED FOR HELP???
Hated that.
Posted by: liz | March 05, 2009 at 12:01 PM
Okay, now I'm just in a panicky, boo-hissy freakout because the 4 month sleep regression sent us into a horrible, horrible spiral (which has just gotten worse and worse, and this morning...my son just turned 6 mos...I was the one who woke up crying). And I'm not hopeful that I'm going to be able to get him onto a routine before 9 months, much less recover from the 9 month regression.
All things sleep-related have become my collective arch nemesis.
Blerg.
Posted by: karen | March 05, 2009 at 12:02 PM
Never noticed a four-month or nine-month sleep regression. He's always been a "bad" sleeper, but the only period of his life in which he slept through the night actually began around nine months, and ended with a resounding crash at twelve months. At fifteen months, he's still up several times per night. Sigh. I look forward to the teenage "sleep progression," oh lordy I do.
Posted by: Laura | March 05, 2009 at 12:19 PM
Mini-regression? HA! This one has kicked all the others' collective asses. Well, okay: he's not waking up after twenty minutes at three in the morning like he did at 4 months (after sleep through 9 hours a couple nights before -- a feat that has yet to be repeated). But damn, the 13-month mini-regression has been going on since the beginning of 12 months, and 14 months is Sunday. And after a year of parenting, a two month sleep regression with no end in sight is insulting. And exhausting.
But thank you, Moxie, for cluing me in to what a sleep regression is in the first place, so I don't have to feel all the guilt and concern along with the irritability and exhaustion.
Posted by: Schwa de Vivre | March 05, 2009 at 12:19 PM
@karen- the sanity saver for me during our months and months of terrible sleep was switching my energy from trying to make Pumpkin sleep- you can't MAKE a baby sleep- to figuring out how to get me enough sleep to stay sane. I took long naps on the weekends (Hubby would take Pumpkin out for a walk or something). We devised a night time schedule that tried to ensure I could get 4 hours of uninterrupted sleep most nights. And a couple of times, my parents would come over and stay the night with Pumpkin while Hubby and I absconded to a hotel to really sleep.
During all of the time we had crappy sleep, Pumpkin never showed any signs of sleep deprivation. She didn't have a sleep problem. Only her parents did.
If you can find something that helps your baby sleep better- great! But if you can't, don't drive yourself insane thinking that there must be something and you're just a bad mother for not finding it. Some babies are just not great sleepers. If you have one of those, I strongly recommend switching your attention to YOUR sleep and trying to solve that problem. Hang in there. It does get better eventually.
Posted by: Cloud | March 05, 2009 at 12:20 PM
I heard on NPR this morning a discussion on sleep disorders in children causing mood disturbances, "bad" behavior, whathaveyou. The children in the story were tested at sleep clinics and all had mild forms of sleep apnea. I *know* mine has occasional sleep apnea because during the last two regressions/periods where I had to hold him for him to sleep, I could hear and feel him not breathing and then startle and gulp in a big breath. He's already had his adenoids removed and sending him back under for tonsils, too, doesn't sound fun. Just something to think about if you have an older child who still seems to be up frequently or not waking rested.
Posted by: mom2boys | March 05, 2009 at 12:20 PM
I don't have much to add but to say sadly I don't remember any of the details from that first year... I think we were so overwhelmed with the twins and felt so inadequate overall and we're just trying to keep our heads above water. So, it has been sort of wiped from my memory. As I was reading Moxie's post, I was thinking wow, I wish I had the recall and the detailed memory of those times. It makes me sad - essentially all I remember is one big general difficult 1/2 year before things started to improve and then after the 1-year mark it got better and better each month. Otherwise, the details are rather foggy.
Posted by: mo | March 05, 2009 at 12:21 PM
I've blocked all of it out because it was all just so damn ugly.
Posted by: hush | March 05, 2009 at 12:24 PM
Oh, the sleep regressions. If you are REALLY lucky (like me--yeah!), you might have one of those kids who has one regression that goes through to the next one, giving you months and months of sleep deprivation.
The Pumpkin actually slept through the whole night from 2.5 weeks to 3.5 months, as long as she was swaddled and in the swing. It was amazing. Though it didn't not work for naps, which were always a struggle and mostly in slings.
We were hit hard when the 4 month sleep regression came at 3.5 months, especially after thinking we had a good night-time sleeper. Then the 4 month sleep regression went straight into the 9 month sleep regression. By 10 months, she was doing great with sleeping at night! But of course that didn't last.
And then her 18 month regression went straight through 22 months, at least. Now at almost 24 months, it's a crap shoot on whether or not we'll have a good night, but nothing so bad as during a real regression.
@hydrogeek - OMG, the waking up every 45 minutes! That KILLED us. At that point, I often had to just sleep in the glider (which would also recline) most of the night to keep her from screaming.
@AmyinMotown - You totally called it, with the "vortex of suck." I'm hoping this next one will be even a little bit easier in the sleep department.
@pnuts mama - Hang in there! I hope it passes soon!
To everyone else, I would like to reiterate: By any means necessary. And: Whatever gets the most people in the house the most amount of sleep.
And thank goodness for Moxie and all her readers/commenters who helped me realize it wasn't my parenting, it was just a phase and there would be more (and when they would be).
Posted by: caramama | March 05, 2009 at 12:24 PM
@ enu, I know it's a typo, but I'm getting a kick out of the idea of Ferberizing a 15 year old (and an 18 year old!)
Posted by: Schwa de Vivre | March 05, 2009 at 12:28 PM
M obviously went through it at 4 months since that's when I discovered askmoxie! I recall a night that I sat in front of the computer (probably nursing him to keep him quiet/sleeping) desperately looking for what was "wrong" with my son. I was relieved to find out that it was normal and wondered why it wasn't a chapter in every parenting book. I finally felt like I wasn't the crappiest mum in the world.
I can't say that it's gotten much better for us. M's probably only slept through the night less than 10 times EVER. At 20 months he still gets up multiple times a night - I nurse him back to sleep. I just don't tell people that anymore - and a "good" night is only getting up once or twice. I'm sure he'll eventually outgrow it (and I'll mourn the loss), but some days the finish line seems very far away.
Posted by: Alanna | March 05, 2009 at 12:30 PM
@caramama: You have a glider that reclines?!?! I gotta get me one of those. The glider in my kids' room is of the straight-backed variety and is obviously inferior for sleeping in.
@AmyInMotown: Forgot to say, yes, the vortex of suck is RIGHT ON.
And the original post didn't talk about it, but that 18 month sleep regression SUCKED SO BAD. It lasted much longer than the rest of them, and she was old enough (and in a big girl bed) to get up and wander around and demand things. It got better at 21 months, but it seems like it's still a crap shoot whether she'll sleep through the night or not at 27 months!
Thank God and Greyhound for Moxie, so I at least knew to expect it!
Posted by: hydrogeek | March 05, 2009 at 12:37 PM
@Alanna: That's when and why I found AskMoxie, too. We should send google some 4am cookies, no?
Posted by: hydrogeek | March 05, 2009 at 12:39 PM
We built up to a 8 month regression over the course of the last three weeks. It was/is hell. J had never been a great sleeper, but was sleeping through about 50% of the time with very early wake ups (so 7-5). He also went to sleep on his own in his crib before that, a recent achievement, but awesome-- bath, nurse, book, lights out. Then he went to one night waking, then more and more-- coupled with not going back to sleep like he used to-- until earlier this week we had to sleep with him in a recliner, holding him all night, after his first wake up at 8pm. Co-sleeping didn't work, nursing didn't work, and he was wired but exhausted-- screaming crying, rubbing his eyes, but legs and arms moving all over-- only cradling him in our arms all night worked. We were fried. On Tuesday he would not even go down-- and we were not ready to get into the recliner (as in, hadn't had dinner or considered this might happen). So out of desperation we tried some modified cio-- 2 minutes, then pat and shhhh for 1 minutes, then 3 minutes of crying, then 5 and so on...within 40 minutes, he was asleep through the night. Last night he want down perfectly fine and cried for 2 minutes at 8pm and then slept through (to the 4:30 am poopy diaper wake up). It's been two nights now and I'm probably jinxing it. But that's how we're dealing. And he's so happy all day because he's not exhausted and we have way more energy for him. I don't think it would have worked had he been younger or not used to sleeping on his own anyway, fwiw. I don't think it's the magic cure for everyone, but it seems to be working for J right now.
Posted by: Liz | March 05, 2009 at 12:49 PM
I have a 4 y/o daughter and 8.5 month old twins...I am so afraid because I just remembered after reading all of this JUST HOW BAD 9 months was with my first. HOW DO I DO IT WITH 2?
Posted by: Cindy | March 05, 2009 at 12:49 PM
I'm always so impressed with people who can remember baby's first year down to the month! My son is now 2 and his first year was a complete and total blur for me. It was a continuous cycle of non-sleep. He was waking, on a good night, 2-3 times, on a bad night 6-8 times. I was a wreck. My mom and husband kept reassuring me that I was doing great and that the baby was just, well, being a baby. I didn't believe them and was convinced that I wasn't cut out for this mommy stuff.
Now a year later (and with no real help from me), my son is a champion sleeper. He does 10-12 hours at night straight. It's wonderful and fabulous!
All this to say: this too shall pass!!
Posted by: kyma | March 05, 2009 at 12:50 PM
@mo: I could have written your exact words. I'm a mom of twin boys (now 3... oh I love 3...) and I have no recollection of that first year short of anxiety, fog, anxiety, fog. It often makes me sad too, how much I can't remember about that first year.
And then I so snap out of it when I remember that I'M sleeping through the night and my boys are such fun now.
Posted by: Bella | March 05, 2009 at 12:54 PM
@Schwa de Vivre - I don't believe enu made a typo. Her kids are grown! I would love to hear how she ferberized teenagers! Do share, enu!
Posted by: caramama | March 05, 2009 at 12:55 PM
@kyma- I can only remember the details because I wrote them down in blog posts!
Posted by: Cloud | March 05, 2009 at 01:00 PM
It's really too painful to even think about! 4 mos. was more difficult for me, the birth was difficult and I was still in mental recovery and then this just knocked me for a loop. It was around 5 mos. when I went to therapy, I was actually pretty angry and depressed. 8 mos seemed like a continuation of 4, it wasn't until 10 mos. that naps got better and night time sleep improved. That first year still haunts me.
Posted by: sudru | March 05, 2009 at 01:15 PM
@ Alanna - I wondered the same thing - why don't these books discuss the sleep regressions and other developmental stages that might cause setbacks? Probably because no one has written one. Until now! Just got wind through a mommy-network that a great book that does just that has come out -- Bed Timing.
My copy arrived yesterday so I haven't read it through but this is what I know - the authors are developmental psychologists and they talk about sleep training in the context of developmental stages and what works best at what times. The table in the back of the book is fabulous - maps out what is going on when and what to do about it.
I think it's only available in Canada but here's the link:
http://www.amazon.ca/Bed-Timing-Isabela-Granic/dp/1554680476/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1236276088&sr=8-1
I hope this is helpful! We're pouring over it trying to resolve some nagging sleep issues, and bracing ourselves for 18 month shift.
Posted by: Chaosgirl | March 05, 2009 at 01:20 PM
@Cindy, take the same tactic as Cloud - skip trying to figure out how to get them to sleep, just figure out how to get enough sleep for YOU.
That's been our main approach - separate 'their problem' from 'our problem' - and frankly, most of the time, even in the regressions, my kids didn't have ANY problem - they were perfectly happy to wake up umptyump times a night sing for an hour or two, complain or cuddle or nurse or whatever, and go back to sleep whenever they felt like it. PROBLEM? What problem? None. MY problem was sleep needs for me. Very different problem. Doesn't always require fixing their un-problem, either.
So, strategies by the time we had twins:
1) Cosleep, I was sooooo cosleeping with twins. Especially during regressions. I have the advantage of knowing that kids do eventually leave your bed, and a DH whose brother and SIL coslept with their five kids in series (each of whom left in a different manner and timing, each of whom have turned out to be fabulous people). So, eh, cosleep if it works, and hey, we did anything we could to make it work (including adding a second queen sized bed to our bed to have enough room, because neither ep nor I like being squeezed off the edge of the bed by the horizontal sleeper or kicked in the head by the sleeps-like-a-helicopter child... more room works better.). Anyway, that was strategy 1.
2) Going to bed early. I go to bed the same time the kids do (actually, we both do). It seems weird when both DH and I were original night-owls, but here's the bonus - if it is a SUCKAGE night, I can still sleep in and make it to work on time! WOO! And if it is a good night, I can get up at godawful-o'clock and do chores, watch tv, talk with ep, surf/post, whatever I'd do in the evening otherwise. The problem with staying up late is that you don't know in advance if it is going to be a hell night. If I want to add sleep, I can do so at need, because I *already* know if it was a bad night! And you don't have to do it forever - just as long as it works.
3) Sleep rules for the twin mom if you're home: NO getting out of bed until you've had 8 hours of sleep. When the girls were infants, that meant I didn't get out of bed some days until 11 AM. Or 1 PM. Even going to bed at 8:30 PM, that might be the case. This does require help, though - enlist some if you can.
4) At 9 months, the biggest thing to help sleep was probably exercise (for the babies) which meant me sitting on the floor and them crawling over me endlessly. Some days it drove me batty, but it did help with sleep. Some. As far as I recall, anyway.
5) Strategy for soothing in combo at night (especially with colds, since they're prone to colds around then, IME, too). That is, my usual deal was if one woke, I'd sooth that one and then apply the same soothing to the other (pats, cuddles, nursing, whatever). EVEN if they weren't really awake. Because there was nothing worse than having them tag-freakin-team me all night, with me getting 20 minute snoozes between the two. If they didn't want the nursing, they'd skip, but otherwise, they tended to just kind of line up for the 'mommy is awake right now, let's all get what we need before she's asleep' routine. It gave me bigger chunks of time asleep, which matter to my function.
6) Find a way to feed both at night simultaneously. Whether that's 'dh gets to take one while I take the other' or 'nursing both lying flat on my back', that can help. It isn't possible for everyone, but if you're nursing, it's way more possible than it seems at that age. (The MOMs club I am in has an LC who has twins, and I'd see her happily demonstrate the position on the nearest table about once a meeting - her version is babies face down at angles out from the body. Mine, er, well, let's say that there are advantages to having lost a LOT of weight and being more on the, uh, floppy side.)
Good luck!
Posted by: hedra | March 05, 2009 at 01:51 PM
I think the 9 month sleep regression was the most horrifying thing I've ever lived through. My son slept worse at 9 months than he did as a new born. I was back at work and trying to get by on only a few hours of sleep each night - all of which was interrupted numerous many times throughout the night. I probably shouldn't have even been driving I was so tired. I was exhausted, angry, desperate, depressed. It was a nightmare. It's been two years since then, and I still remember just how bad it was.
The only good thing about it is that I now appreciate just how wonderful it is when I do get sleep.
Posted by: Jojo | March 05, 2009 at 02:02 PM
So, my recall...
With Mr G, I don't recall it being any better or worse in specific, but I *do* recall that *I* felt less successful and more stressed/upset/panicky during these ages. Sleep was bad all the way through, but the little differences I couldn't detect still hit my self-esteem as a mom like a truck. I didn't find the book The Wonder Weeks until Mr G was I think 13 months old, I can't now recall. LIGHTBULB. It isn't ME, it's just normal development! YAY! Mr G didn't sleep well until 4 years old, when he had chiropractic care for his neck (which we think had been messed up his whole life - long labor squashed him). We did a zillion things to help his comfort levels, and they all helped some, but it was the underlying discomfort that was the major issue (and another one was the reflux that wasn't diagnosed for another year-plus after that, sigh).
Mr B, I don't recall being much of a pain for regressions, but a) we were cosleeping, and b) he is my dream sleeper - proof that they actually exist, those kids. Five hours at five weeks, six at six weeks, and after that, he just would wake right before my alarm went off, nurse, and go back to sleep. Ahhhhh. Regressions mainly meant clingy, whiny, dramatic, and he slept in physical contact with me more, not 'woke more'.
Then, Miss M and Miss R... er. Lessee, first couple months were a fog, but I do recall being desperately glad at 4 1/2 months that we were cosleeping. I was tired, even with going to bed early. Ep took most of the care of the older two, I was just baby-central. For 9 months, see above post. Miss M has reflux, and I didn't figure that out until a year, when she stopped sleeping on my belly (like a recliner) because the meds worked. Poor thing. Miss R was a moderately okay sleeper, by which I mean that at a year she mainly woke 2 times a night. Miss M was still waking 3-4 at that point. I really worked to make those wakings tandem up, but there were still nights where I got past 10 wakings - which was right around where I lost so much brain function I couldn't count any higher (I do know I once counted to 16 wakings, but I don't know if I was halucinating some of them at that point). Fortunately, I was laid off during the 9 month stage, so I could just say crashed in bed in the morning. But at the 13/14 month point, recycle... fortunately (again), my job at that point was pretty flexible. And ep was always aware of the sleep needs, and was on the job on that - he'd get up and do the morning tasks and let me sleep. His job was to make sure I was able to function, and at those stages, that meant sleep. for me. Period.
Anyway, not fun. But we're through them, and onto other challenges.
Posted by: hedra | March 05, 2009 at 02:06 PM
I haven't read all the comments yet so maybe someone has talked about it but what do you do when you hit the 4 month sleep regression and it NEVER ends. We're going on 14 months here and he's still a crap sleeper. We didn't get the 9 month one because the 4 month one never ended! He's still a horrible sleeper. Am I just doomed forever? He's slept something approaching through the night exactly twice, the night of his 9 month shots and the night after he crawled for the first time at 8.5 months. Other than that I'm very lucky to get 2-3 hour stretches.
(now if he starts sleeping again at like 17 months and then hits the 18 month sleep regression I'll cry.)
Posted by: auburn | March 05, 2009 at 02:14 PM
@toomuchstrong
If you're still following the thread, no. 1 would never nap horizontally. He napped for 12 months in his car-seat (capsule), which was not actually fully upright, but at a 45 degree angle. He loved that thing. As it rocked, he would often wake after 45 minutes or so, start rocking, and then knock himself out for another couple of hours ( he was/is a tremendous sleeper). Every now and then I'd try him in his cot, he'd sleep 40 minutes and then he'd be screaming for me to come and get him. In the end I gave up trying to convince him to sleep in his bed as he was just not interested. I think the angle ws comfortable and the rocking just did it for him. No.2 also loved the capsule, but not to the same extreme as N0.1. She was much more versatile and didn't mind her cot ( which by the way, she still ends up in every single night, even if she has been sleeping in her BGB for 3 months now)
Posted by: paola | March 05, 2009 at 02:24 PM
@ Schwa de vivre and caramama - yeah, no typo (Baby turns 18 next month, OMG!). I took my (other) teenaged daughter to THE Dr. Ferber when she was about 15 or 16 and her life was in turmoil because she couldn't sleep. She's not perfect with it (at almost 20) but he worked near miracles with her. It was a very hard and grueling procedure for all of us, but worth it, and I have to say he is a most kind and caring man.
Sleep problems don't only plague babies ;-(
Posted by: enu | March 05, 2009 at 03:01 PM
@auburn--Your baby's sleep situation sounds exactly like my baby's. At 16 months, I could count on one hand the number of times she had slept through the night, and twice it was after shots. Otherwise, she would be up anywhere from 2 to 6 times each night. It was awful, and I kept reading sleep book after sleep book hoping I would find something that would help us. Around 17 months, she started sleeping through the night, and we were in heaven. Then bam--18 month regression hit, and it was the worst! I've tried to block it out, but I'd guess it lasted several months. At 25 months, she now occasionally sleeps through. Other nights, she'll sleep from 8pm to anywhere from 4-6am, then wake up to nurse and go back to bed until around 7. Not bad at all compared to what we went through the first year and a half or so.
All this to say it can get better, but his sleep may never be perfect. Good luck!
Posted by: lwh | March 05, 2009 at 03:16 PM