Q&A: MIL not taking good care of toddler

Ashley writes:

"I just got a phone call from DH and since I hung up, I've been asking myself "WWMD?" Instead of wondering, I thought I'd just go straight to the source. Here's the issue:

The background: My MIL has been watching Baby Girl one day a week since I went back to work after her birth. Baby Girl is 13 months old now - almost walking, crawling all over and trying to climb whatever she can find. MIL has always been somewhat ditzy - to the point where we don't feel comfortable letting MIL watch BG at MIL's house, but have been fine with her at our house.

Today, DH got a call at work from MIL asking how to turn on the TV. This is a weekly occurance and he didn't think anything of it. When he didn't hear BG in the background he asked MIL if she was napping. MIL responded that no, she was either in her bedroom or the bathroom, she wasn't sure. DH told MIL that she needed to check and needed to make sure the bathroom door was closed. BG likes to try to grab her bath toys out of the tub and can lean pretty far in. We're worried that she might fall in and hurt her head or neck. MIL agreed and then made a comment about how she was doing something earlier and heard BG scream from the other room like she had hurt herself. When MIL went into the living room, she couldn't find BG. Comment #2 made red flags go up all over the place for DH, so after he got off the phone with MIL, he called me to ask what we should do.

If it MIL was a paid employee, we'd be looking for another caregiver. But she's not. She's our daughter's grandmother, so feelings are involved. We know we (DH, really, it's his mom & he agrees) need to talk to MIL, we just don't know what that convo needs to be. Does it need to be "Thanks for your help thus far, but we've decided to put her in daycare on your day too" or should it be a clear statement of our expectations and a warning? And if it's #2, how do we check to make sure everything is really okay? I hate the idea of worrying about my daugher all day while I'm at work.

So, WWMD? Thanks!"

(I've been so conditioned by US politics that I read "WWMD?" as "What Weapons of Mass Destruction?" Sigh.)

I used to teach and develop materials for standardized tests. One of the sample questions we used involved a clock that chimed the hour. At one point in the question, the clock chimed 13, and that meant that you couldn't trust any of the previous chimes to tell the hour, because the clock was faulty. So "the thirteenth chime" became shorthand for something that called a whole process into question.

To me, the scream and then not being able to find BG is the thirteenth chime. It's clear to me that you can't keep MIL as caregiver for one day a week. If BG was 5, it would be different. Or even 3 and old enough to tell you what was going on. But at 13 months old, she's the perfect storm of old enough to get into a ton of danger but not old enough to either get herself out of danger or tell you what's going on.

It also seems to me that stating expectations and warning her are probably not going to be effective. Since she loves BG, she's probably taking care of her the best she can already. It's not like a paid caregiver who may be slacking off because it's just a paid gig to her, who will step it up if she wants to keep the job.

The issue seems to be how to remove MIL from the situation without tearing apart your relationships with her. I'm going to assume that the direct approach ("We don't feel you are taking competent care of BG") is out of the question because MIL is probably operating at her max already. So now, do you approach it in a more gentle, oblique way? Or do you just rearrange the situation somehow so that MIL can't reasonably care for BG?

If I got the idea that MIL was trying to control you guys, BG, or the situation, it would seem like you needed to draw some definite boundaries. But I don't get that feeling from your email. So I might try to do something that made it impossible for MIL to care for BG anymore, so you could express regret about it but not have her in the situation anymore. I'm thinking about something like working different hours if you can, signing BG up for some kind of classes or program that conflict with MIL's time (or that she can't get BG to), or something like that. It's the same technique you use with a kid--instead of saying "I want you to go to bed" you say "The clock tells us that it's time to go to bed" and then there's no element of control in the interaction and it's not personal.

So what do you guys think? Again, I'm coming at this from the perspective that it seems like they really want to preserve the best relationship possible with MIL and not hurt her feelings in any way or draw any symbolic boundaries, they just don't want her to be sole caregiver for BG anymore.

Comments

[Jac]

Wow - red flags all over the place! I think that care situation needs to end now. I have no advice for preserving the MIL relationship because I have such a crappy relationship with my mother-in-law we literally haven't spoken in eight years. But I think Moxie is on the money. If you could get her into another program and frame it as a great opportunity for BG and then say "sorry, but that program only happens on x day".

[Cobblestone]

I think you've got to be more upfront than that, because a class for BG doesn't help when MIL offeres to watch her on a Saturday just because she misses BG.

[Shandra]

I think I might just lie. "BG's daycare feels she might do better with more consistency at this age so we're going to put her in for that day."

And then, I would arrange a weekly meal/playtime with everyone together so that MIL and BG can continue to have a close, loving, and unnoticeably supervised relationship.

Once BG is older she will be able to rate MIL out, but in the meantime I really think it's just not safe, and Moxie is right - she's probably doing her best already.

[michelle g]

The most important thing is that it has to stop b/c your MIL is not paying the necessary attention to Baby Girl.

Personally, I might have freaked out about the not knowing where she was thing. But that might not be the most productive reaction.

I think your husband should get a say in how you approach it. But your concerns are right on.

[I need a handle]

I would lie too - if you want to preserve the relationship. Maybe tell her that the daycare insists on 5 days a week or she'll lose her spot!

[Barb @ getupandplay]

I agree- blame it on the daycare. "They really recommend that older babies have the same schedule as much as possible..." or "We are going to lose our spot if we don't do 5 days a week..." or "We can get a discount if we do full-time care...". Then I would decline any babysitting offers she makes until BG is older and handle less direct supervision.

My mom is the same way- she couldn't physically handle taking care of my baby niece, so into daycare she went! I don't know if it caused contention between my mom and my brother and SIL, but I think my mom was relieved.

[hush]

My immediate reaction to Ashley's situation is that this story could've had a very tragic ending, and I'm so very relieved it didn't. Baby Girl needs a new caregiver right away, and MIL needs to see a neurologist. It sounds like MIL is experiencing some cognitive deficits, and/or perhaps the onset of dementia.

A baby should not be in the care of someone who is having trouble taking care of themselves. If an older person needs to call her son weekly to ask how to turn on the TV, I would strongly suspect the beginnings of short term memory loss.

I think honesty is the best policy in a case like this, where there is most definitely a health issue in question. Just make the child care change and if push comes to shove, put it in simple terms of behavior: "It's not acceptable behavior for someone who is responsible for the care of Baby Girl to not know exactly where she is at all times." MIL's behavior also needs to be accurately reflected to the neurologist and/or treating physician.

[auburn]

I was thinking the, "daycare no longer offering part time" thing is probably the best choice too. But then again...it seems that saying something about how much trouble she can get in in a very short period of time is a good idea. Chances are there will be another time when she wants to watch her alone and you need to have had this talk. Maybe make up a story about how she got into something when you weren't paying enough attention and she got hurt somehow. Or make up a story about something that happened to a friend's kid while they were with a babysitter. "Jane's daughter's babysitter wasn't watching her and she got into the bathroom and fell face first into the toilet...I mean, she could have died! How terrifying. can you believe that? I'm never taking my eyes off BG for a minute ever again."

[Kristine]

I would lie too. My in-law relationship isn't great, but honestly, I'd lie to my own mom in order to keep the peace at this point.

Our day care has various programs (Gym, computer, music, Spanish) Each of these occurs on a specific day of the week. In fact, I used to not work Fridays, and when he started at this day care we soon found out what he'd be missing if I kept him at home on Fridays, so now I work Fridays and he goes to school, so as not to miss out on the fun stuff (gym and computers are Friday activities).

Maybe yours has something on the day she misses that all of the sudden is available, and if she doesn't go, she'll miss out.

If they don't, then I'd go with the line about the day care thinking she's do better with more consistency.

[Elizabeth Engel]

I had to "fire" my MIL for exactly this reason. She would allow my then-nine-month-old to crawl all over the house, unsupervised, for up to 20 minutes at a time. (When I first heard about this I nearly had a heart attack.)

I was just honest with her. I explained that I totally understood that the amount of care a young child requires can be totally overwhelming, and that it's only going to get harder as he gets older. I told her that I needed to be completely assured that my child was always safe and that we were putting him full time into daycare. (I used the old, "if something as simple as a stray button found its way into the baby's mouth and caused him to choke, I don't think we'd ever be able to forgive ourselves" argument and she I think got it.)

It was really hard and awkward but we all got over it and I never had to worry about lying.

[laura]

Your MIL sounds like she's got early Alzheimer's.

[Brooke]

I have no insight into how to tell her. But, the TV at my FIL's is insanely complicated since it is hooked up to a radio, DVD player, VCR, etc. He has to most confusing remote (I'm sorry, universal commander) ever. I can't remember how to turn it on since not all the buttons are hooked up and I don't want to mess up the settings. So that's not a red flag to me.

[Julie]

I think I would address the two issues separately: First, I would schedule BG so that MIL can't take care of her anymore - many suggestions above were great - I like the "we get a better deal if we go full time to daycare" or something along those lines.

Then at a different time I would address what seems to be a neurological issue with MIL. I think connecting the two would make her more defensive about possible neurological problems because she might see it as a link between her failure to properly care for BG, as opposed to something she simply needs to get addressed by a medical professional asap.

I don't think you should worry at this point about MIL wanting to pick up a Saturday or Sunday.....there is no problem with her coming over to visit BG on the weekends, just make sure you or DH are always around to supervise. You could have her over to "help" you with BG, but you would be there the whole time, allowing her to still have time "caring" for her grandbaby but all the while under your watchful eye. My guess is that if she can't even remember how to turn the tv on from week to week, she probably won't notice any obvious supervision by you while you are all visiting together.

[Allison]

I think that is totally unfair to say she has Alzheimers or dementia. She proabably just doesn't remember how much supervision a baby at this age needs, or she's just a bit of a flakey person.

Just put the kid into day care that extra day and don't let the MIL be there unless someone else is. The way in which this happens is based on how defensive the MIL might get.

[Charisse]

@laura and hush, it kind of depends how much of an audio geek the husband is--I frequently have to call for instrux on operating our monstrous universal remote and I'm pretty sure I don't have alzheimer's. :) That said, if it's a simple on-off button, yes, absolutely, get evaluated.

Haven't had this exact situation, but my FIL has been asking to babysit Mouse since she was born and it's only recently that I've felt it might be a reasonable back-up option. He has some mental health issues that are known and that were active for much of Mouse's really early years, and there was just no way in hell I was leaving her with somebody who was bipolar and whose medication wasn't properly adjusted, who decompensated unexpectedly...no matter the family relationship. These days he's more stable and Mouse is nearly 5 so I'd consider it for short periods...but he's still from another era as far as childrearing (not one where actually paying attention to the child is considered a good thing) and I wouldn't leave her with him for an extended period. Anyway, he's been very hurt by our refusal to do this, as he really wants to feel helpful--but it has been possible to maintain the relationship and we see him all together most weekends. We've been pretty honest that until he was stable and had been stable for a while, we weren't comfortable with babysitting...and then, that it's a big inconvenience for him since it involves an hour of travel each way by his preferred method...so it's easier just to find somebody in the neighborhood. I agree about the daycare idea--and if grandma is mainly watching TV and not attending to kiddo, maybe she's not actually all that into doing this? Sigh...good luck with it! Hope you work it out.

[hush]

@Brooke - of course your inability to use your FIL's remote isn't a red flag to you. But you should allow for the possibility that in some cases concerning much older people than you, who also display neglectful behavior towards a baby, make weekly requests for the same information without being able to retain it, and who are characterized by family members as "ditzy," it is in fact a HUGE, GINORMOUS red flag worthy of a health evaluation.

[L.]

Sort of a combination of what hush and Julie said. First and most importantly, your gut is right--MIL is not safe to take care of BG and you need to change that situation right away. I'm not sure I would lay it all out with her, unless an approach like Elizabeth Engel's would work. (Hey, I'll just make this comment a mish-mash of everyone else's!) But I do think a white lie based on something like scheduling could backfire so, if you're not going to put it out there, I would pick something like the "regular schedule" idea.

A lot depends on your MIL's character. She might just be relieved and secretly be just as happy to end the care situation, or she might really cling to this time with her granddaughter. If the latter, you might have to be pretty blunt. If the former, you can be gentler or more evasive.

And, yes, apart from this I would give some more consideration to your MIL's mental health state and whether she needs any intervention for her own sake.

It is fantastic that you and your husband are on the same page about this. A united front, when it comes to in-laws, makes an enormous difference. Your husband may also have a better sense about how best to break the news to MIL.

[L.]

OMG. I made no sense. I meant to say, a white lie based on a change to your schedule, or a class, could backfire, since that's a change that could be viewed as temporary/flexible. If you make it something about what the daycare itself wants/requires, or something based on the kid's need (i.e. benefiting from a consistent structure) it is harder to challenge/get around.

[meggiemoo]

My MIL has never babysat our son because she's an alcoholic, and I could never trust her *not* to be drinking when she was with him. But if I had this situation, I would try:

1. Lie about the daycare. "Gee, MIL, BG is changing every day! We feel like now she'd really benefit from being in the same situation every day. She really loves being around the other kids." (Actually, that might not even be a lie.)

However you handle it, I would thank your MIL profusely for the babysitting she did do (it's awesome that your daughter had the interaction up to this point) and maybe give her a small gift to make her feel appreciated.

As for the possible mental issues with MIL, is there a FIL in the picture? Other siblings? Anyone else who could give you their opinion on what may be happening? Does she live alone? Is she a danger to herself?

[Brooke]

My point was that the TV might, in fact, be very complicated, so it seems like a really huge jump from there to "She has early onset Alzheimer's/dementia." And we don't know how old MIL is. She could be in her early 40's (or younger!) or she could be almost 80.

Of course it can't hurt for Ashley's husband to look out for his mom's health.

[hush]

@Brooke - or the TV might be very simple!

Do you really think I made a direct jump from "can't use TV" straight to "has dementia"? Um, aren't we leaving out the part about child neglect? (Actually, if you go back and read my comment it was: "It sounds like MIL is experiencing some cognitive deficits, and/or perhaps the onset of dementia.")

I don't wish to argue with you, my friend, because the truth is, if you and others like Allison really think I'm so "unfair" to suggest that, on these facts, a person like Ashley's dear MIL needs a health evaluation, you're certainly entitled to your opinion.... ;)

[Theresa]

If one is considering paying for additional daycare, another alternative might be to find someone reliable to spend the day with the child and the MIL -- that way, the baby gets to spend time with her grandmother and Ashley and her husband don't have to worry so much -- and no lying is involved.

Sometimes the whole white lie thing works, but I agree, especially with family members, that it can be hard to work your way out of some corners, depending what you decide on... and even without the MIL having a daycare day, she's still likely to volunteer for other babysitting times.

And I have to chime in and say that I wouldn't use the turning on the TV situation as a guide to anyone's mental health, either... a lot of modern TV/home theatre equipment can be tricky when it gets handled by a universal remote. And when it's maintained by a techie guy who likes to try new gadgets and change things with them ;-)

[Brooke]

@hush-You weren't the only one who suggested it. And you were indeed nuanced about it. My point is that it MIGHT not be crazy to have trouble with the TV. Especially since Ashley didn't seem to think it was weird.

And, yes, checking in about your parent/parent-in-law's health is certainly not a bad thing. Especially if things seem off to you and/or they are older and/or they don't get regular check ups.

[MLB]

I agree with Hush and Moxie. And time really is of the essence. I think the most dangerous years for kids are 1-2.5 (at least in my house). So much opportunity to harm themselves and so little ability to understand why/how they can't do something. I don't think you need to be more direct than "It just seems that daycare is a better option/consistency, blah blah." And the babysitting during evenings and weekends will work itself out as long as you keep seeing her all together.

[ikate]

Normally when I read the comments on this site I agree with the majority of them but today I don't.

If we are going only on the story as told I'm surprised that so many are jumping right to the "remove her from the MIL care ASAP!" option. If Ashley already had misgivings about MIL watching BG and this is the last straw that's one thing, but if this is the first/only incident I think (for me) I would take a different approach as I think as parents we can (me included) get totally freaked out about something we haven't witnessed.

If this was my situation after several months of being happy with the care and I was now worried about BG's new mobility and MIL's ability to keep up I might do a "test day" or two. Tell MIL you still need her to come over but that Ashley or her DH will be staying home from work to do X (home improvement project/work from home/whatever). Or have her come over for 4-5 hours on the weekend to watch BG while Ashley & DH work on some project but can still keep an eye on the care. This way you can see first hand how attentive MIL is to BG - maybe her comments were misleading or exaggerated – maybe the comment about BG “screaming from another room” was about BG crying for a snack in the greatroom while MIL was in the attached kitchen preparing it. I know my own mother trumps-up reports of stuff like this to me sometimes because she knew it would work me up (we are a very sarcastic family, so this is normal).

But if this is the push from mildly concerned to worried beyond belief, then yes by all means go with the “daycare made us do it route”.

(And, IMO suggesting that MIL has neurological issues based on a second-hand retelling of an incident is absurd)

[akeeyu]

"She's our daughter's grandmother, so feelings are involved."

Hey, a lot of feelings would be involved if (God forbid) the baby drowned in the toilet or choked on somethin unsafe or...well, fill in the blanks

Lie about daycare if you want to. Whatever it takes.

Re the possibility of dementia: Well, to me the TV isn't the kicker, it's the carelessness about childcare. You could say it's because she doesn't remember, but...um...come on. She hasn't been reminded? I'm sure she has.

Either way, this is a potentially lethal situation, and the baby needs to be out of it, like, yesterday. No reminders, no strenuous warnings or reteaching, just get her out of there.

[anonymous]

Wow. How great to have had BG & MIL together this long.
And what a bummer to have to swoop in so fast to separate!
If you can lay it on day care, do.
If you can get MIL to a geriatric specialist, do. Clearly we don't know enough about your TV to comment effectively.
Your MIL is lucky to have a kind and dedicated DIL to think about her in all this.
Love the idea of a gift to thank her for/commemorate this time, and love the idea of shifting the weekly time together. Could you suggest what I wished I had (since my mom died before my first was born): can your MIL come over one weekend day (or morning or afternoon) to let you run laundry, vacuum, cook for the week, whatever, so that a) you are there b) she is taking care of the baby but c) you are still there? If you pitch that as the biggest way to help right now, that might take any perceived sting out of it.
Good luck, good woman.

[Maeve]

I would not lie. I would openly link taking her off baby-duty with concern over her (dimishing?) faculties. In fact, the MIL might be more willing to get a neurological work up if she knew her ability to look after BG was seriously compromised by her health. Or ditziness. Maybe it's just her character, but it's still a problem... This is not a time for pussyfooting. Acres of diplomacy, yes. And if she's this scattered when BG is 13 months, I'm not sure I'd trust her to look after an older, more active BG, either.
My own mother would not be capable of looking after my twin boys on her own (due to failing eyesight, and being a bit weak physically, plus some spaciness), but fortunately we all know that and she's the first to agree. I'm lucky!
Just couch the convo in your real concern for *both* BG's and MIL's welfare and health. And yeah, how would MIL feel if something were to happen to BG under her watch? Or Ashley and DH if they let this slide? Maybe MIL will be secretly relieved, and if this is approached with kindness, not too many feelings would get hurt. Nobody's saying MIL won't see BG and continue a relationship.

[Dori]

I agree with ikate. Since most are the comments are leaning toward absurd anyway (ie, alzheimers) I'm going to side with the MIL. I'm assuming BG is Ashley's first child.

I don't know many parents that are absolutely always in the same room as the child.

Maybe the house needs more baby-proofing and they could just have a talk with the MIL about danger areas? Maybe just tell her to keep the bathroom door closed?

I feel that no one can care for my children as well as I do. But I have to work so I try not sweat the small stuff.

[me]

No way, I could not be comfortable with her watching her anymore. You can't change people and if they don't have those instincts you can't make them. I never left DD out of my eye site for more then 30 seconds at that age, as she was learning to do all sorts of crazty things all the time. Open things, climb things, walking etc. In particular when learning to walk she woudl trip/fall alot. I always had her with me and in my line of site. My house isn't even totally babyproofed because I have not needed to, she's not alone in certain area's, ever.

[stacy]

This is a really hard one.

In general, I agree with ikate. It's so hard to tell from an email like this exactly how bad the situation is. Even the DH who had the original conversation with MIL wasn't *there* to witness the events, you know? Staying close by in order to watch MIL watch the baby is probably the best way for Ashley and her husband to really know how things are. And if anything happens during those "trials" that scares Ashley and DH, then it is worth it to change to full-time daycare, even if it means a white lie.

That said, it could be that after this conversation, Ashley and her husband are never really going to be comfortable with MIL as a babysitter again, even if they have a "trial run" and it goes well. And they shouldn't have to sit with rocks in their stomachs all day, once a week, indefinitely, just to preserve MIL's feelings. So if that is the case (and despite me rationally agreeing with ikate, in reality it probably would be so, for me) then skip right to full-time daycare. It isn't worth the worry. The baby can get time with her grandmother on the weekends with Ashley and her husband hovering nearby.

[Karma]

The most shocking thing to me about this whole discussion is how much some of you are promoting taking chances with other people's children!

ikate, what's even more absurd are your bizarre assurances that Ashley's child is safe with this woman and that YOU'RE the one jumping to the conclusion that there's nothing to worry about because Ashley's DH said it secondhand!?? WTF?! That makes NO SENSE. Parents need to trust their damn instincts, not live in denial.

New rule of thumb: if someone is concerned enough to write to Moxie wondering about the fitness of their caregiver then DUH!!! It means something about the situation IS NOT GOOD.

[ks]

This situation really sucks, and I can relate somewhat because I have kept my boys away from my mother's house because I can't totally trust her at a gut level because of drinking/smoking which I don't want my boys around. I know the day is coming that she is going to ask to have them for an overnight, and the answer will be 'no'.
Maybe you or your husband could 'work at home' for a day, and say that you're working, and not to be disturbed, but really you can listen in, peek out the door, and get a sense of what is going on in the household when you're not there. That would at least give you some more information to base your decision on. Maybe she really is capable, but needs a few reminders/refresher on what's really important to you at this stage of your daughters development. If you hear stuff going on that doesn't seem good, you have a basis to make the changes that you need for your daughter.

[cagey]

I have to say - if this was happening at the MIL's house, then yeah - alarm bells would be going off for me. But honestly? Since it is at the reader's house??? I wasn't as horrified. My kids play all over our house without my constant supervision - my son is 3 and my daughter is 18 months old. My daughter has been going off where she wants since she has been mobile and even by herself alone on days my son is not here. And sure, sometimes, she bonks her head, cries and I have to go find her. Obviously, we have baby-proofed accordingly but we are comfortable with letting our kids roam in our house.

So, the fact that the MIL is not constantly hovering over the kid doesn't bother me. BUT - if the mother herself is bothered by it, then my opinion doesn't really matter anyway. :-) In that case, I would say lay the blame elsewhere, like on the daycare - telling the MIL how you feel will do nothing but potentially ruin the relationship.

I hope no one flames me for having a difference of opinion - I almost commented anonymously. :-)

[anon too]

I tend to agree with the folks that are worried and lobbying for the change the day care situation so the MIL is no longer taking care of the child on her own. My first thought when reading through the question was it had to be pretty bad if the husband was the initial one worried. It's been my experience that the typical dad doesn't sweat the small stuff so much so for him to express worry makes this more concrete of a not-so-great situation.

If this were a question regarding a nanny or a day care situation, I think the answer would almost have been a universal "the situation has to feel comfortable to the mom and dad" - even if the day care/nanny is great, if the gut feeling of the parent is causing constant worry, we'd suggest she change her day care situation.

I know it isn't that simple because it is the MIL but I think to separate it out a bit helps. First decide if it is a child care situation your family can live with and it sounds like the answer is no. So now the second part of the question is how to best handle it without upsetting the MIL or damaging their relationship with her.

As for the dimensia/neurological issues that people have brought up as a potential reason, I can only chime in that as I was reading the question, I was thinking how large can that house be? During that age, I had to constantly keep my twin boys with me. There was no knowing what they could be into even with lots of babyproofing of the house. Perhaps you could babyproof the house more (make sure the doors have the special handles so the daughter can't open them, the toilet seat has the lock on it, etc.) - that said, those things only work if the MIL remembers to make sure to close the door each time, put the lock back on the toilet seat after using it, etc.

[cathy]

You could bill it as some program that the daycare offers on that day - phonics or dance or music or something.

1. I agree that MIL seems like she is not capable of watching BabyGirl safely - Since she loves BG, it seems like she would have the motivation to do the job "right". And DH survived his childhood, so maybe she wasn't always like that...

2. 14 months is an age where a lot of crazy child accidents occur - (I can't cite where I read it, but I know I did) There's a dangerous mix of improved mobility and lack of judgement. These things can happen even with good supervision.

3. I was thinking early phases of dementia too. You can check http://www.alz.org/index.asp and http://www.alz.org/alzheimers_disease_10_signs_of_alzheimers.asp for ideas of early symptoms. And bear in mind that the person suffering from early stages of dementia are really good at faking it in public.

[Michelle]

These worries are what has kept me from ever letting my mom watch my kids. I love my mom and she is certainly NOT suffering from dementia or Alzheimers, but I just know her well enough to know that watching kids like a hawk is not her strong suit.

She has brought up the fact that she has never watched the kids a few times, and I always make up some reason (I thought you had to work...a friend had already offered to do it...I didn't want you to have to drive home late at night, etc). But I know that someday she may pin me to the wall and demand to know why I have never trusted her with my kids.

Hopefully, by then the kids will be old enough to not need such constant supervision (I agree with Moxie that this would be a different conversation if the kids were 5) and they can tell me if Grandma watched the Bachelor all night while they played with matches in the backyard...

But its a touchy subject...for sure. My MIL does watch my daughter (19 mo) every once and a while, but she insists on rocking her constantly which means the baby falls asleep and screws up her nap schedule...a whole other issue.

No answers here - just empathy.

[Slim]

As someone with deeply flakey, elderly in-laws whom we do not allow to supervise (because it would not count as real supervision) our children, I am with the people who are saying no more babysitting for grandma. And while I would never tell people that checking out the cause of flakiness is a waste of time, I don't see anything that necessarily indicates neurological impairment. My ILs have been like this as long as I've known them.
Back in their day, close supervision wasn't seen as a necessity. ("And you kids survived!")

[MotherLawyer]

It would be fascinating to hear what each of our mothers would say about this question, should we be able to rewind the clock and ask them when they were our age.

I have two children and a house with more than one room... there are plenty of days where I am in one room with one child and the other child is in another, by themselves.

I've left my son in the shower while going to meet the needs of his infant sister... how else does one care for two (or more) children at the same time?

I do not always stay within arm's reach of my children and I do not put such an expectation on my caregiver.

If you don't like letting your MIL watch your child then don't let her, but this is not a horrible awful very bad situation, as reported.

[Mandy]

I'm not one for lying in a situation like this. I know you want to spare her feelings and preserve the relationship, but this is important enough that everyone really needs to be on the same page.

If it was simply a lack of understanding about how fast the baby can move, maybe it would be ok to suggest a baby gate configuration that would keep the baby confined to the same room as MIL and set things up so baby can safely explore.

I think a sitdown with MIL, and both parents is in order to discuss why you are concerned and the things that could happen. That you simply aren't comfortable with her not knowing where your daughter is and how she got there, or knowing if/how she got hurt. yes, babies can move quickly but there are ways to minimize risk.

Also, while she may not have anything going on cognitively that's a problem I think it's important to really think about if she's functioning at a level appropriate for keeping up with a 13 month old. Maybe she just isn't able to handle it, and that needs to be ok.

In the shoes of these parents, my gut would tell me to arrange care for the other day and use the weekends as an opportunity for grandma and baby to spend time together - supervised.

[Maryanne]

This part of Ashley's comment told me all I need to hear: "If MIL was a paid employee, we'd be looking for another caregiver."

I debated about whether or not to share my brother's family's story, but given some of the opinions expressed here today, and at the risk of being alarmist, here goes.

My brother's FIL, who has since been diagnosed with Alzheimer's, accidentally caused the death of my 3-year-old nephew in 2006, while he and my brother's MIL were babysitting him. My brother's in-laws had offered to watch my brother's 2 young kids for free a few days a week. My brother and his wife could not pass up the free childcare and the chance for the kids to bond with their grandparents.

On that horrible day, while my brother's MIL was taking a nap with my 2-month-old niece, my brother's FIL was supposed to be watching my 3-year-old nephew. He wasn't. My nephew somehow let himself outside, and meanwhile FIL got into the car and accidentally backed over my nephew in the driveway, killing him instantly. The harsh reality was, the signs of my brother's FIL's illness were apparently all there, but no one wanted to face it, least of all his own wife. After my nephew's death, when my brother's FIL was finally diagnosed, my brother's MIL could not handle the guilt she felt, and committed suicide 7 months later. My brother and his wife divorced soon after that, which I guess happens to many couples who lose a child. It was all just so awful, and I'm sorry to be alarmist, but I know from experience that accidents can and will happen when the elderly don't get the mental health screenings they need.

[Sherry H.]

the question for me is: who is the most vulnerable in this situation? and the answer is: the Baby Girl. it would be nice if there is an above-board way to spare the MIL's feelings, but not at the expense of the Baby Girl's well-being.

i say "above-board" because although as tempting as it may be to decline the MIL's care with a white-lie excuse, i think it would be better to approach the MIL with your concerns directly and speak from the heart.

it's a difficult situation, good luck to you!

[pnuts mama]

whoa! i too had a few reactions reading this, but jeez, the comments, ouch!

first, my own MIL takes all sorts of medications that literally have her high all day and then she zonks out on sleep meds at night (judy garland, anyone?) that make me cautious about leaving the kids with her, especially since the time when one nephew was in her care and she slept through him waking up and helping himself to a pan of brownies, which he was able to cut with a paring knife that he climbed up on the counter to get (he was maybe 4 at the time?). great story, true story. what he had wanted to light a fire? who knows.

but then there is this other, not so control-freak side of me (it's there! it's hard to find, but since the bean has been born it is definitely there!) that has to believe that just b/c i am on top of my kids 24/7 that they will not die if someone else is watching them. i wonder if this trust increases as you have more children- i mean, really, i was such a nervous anxious mama with the pnut, and now, having a second and seeing that the pnut is ok has helped me put some of my crazy in perspective. i'm in no way implying that child safety is crazy, i'm just saying i am not up the bean's butt the way i was with the pnut. maybe it has something to do with trust in myself that i am a competent parent? i don't know.

third, i know that my parents and grandparents generation come from a TOTALLY different mentality when it comes to child raising and supervision. i mean, they think we are nuts with the hovering. totally friggin nuts, like we have gone off the deep end. do i agree with them? yes and no, i mean, i think carseats are a non-negotiable no matter how many of us survived w/o them, but maybe hiring a childproofing expert to come to the house to wrap everything in foam might just be a tad excessive. maybe they're right, maybe we're right, maybe it should be somewhere in the middle, but am i the only one who played in my room or the backyard unsupervised for hours? obviously not at 13 months (that's when i was plunked in the playpen for hours, right?). my point is, before i'd go jumping to the whole "not only is your mother a horrible caregiver, she also has early onset alzheimers" (!!) maybe we could hear from ashley if that's a tree that needs to barked up. b/c to me, not being able to remember how to use a remote that may need you to do 4 functions to get the damn cable on is not necessarily a jump to being senile. or, maybe i am senile.

finally, ashley, i would trust your gut on this one- i am concerned with the "i heard a scream but couldn't find the baby, (and didn't keep looking til i found her!)" it seems to me perhaps your MIL is overwhelmed with the actual physical aspect of childcare of a little mobile one. to be fair, it is freaking exhausting! and when it's not your kid it's hard to presuppose their every move.

i am loving the suggestions of full time day care b/c of the daycares/babies schedule, and having grandma over a weekend afternoon (semi-supervised) once or twice a month to keep up that connection they have. good luck, ashley, and i really hope it all ends well for everyone involved!

[Chayary]

OK, I read all the comments as of a few minutes ago, and what I am really mulling over issome of the vehemence of the comments...seems to me there really are a few valid ways to look at this situation, and the question is which reality is the one Ashley is experiencing.
So here's my question-is MIL incapable, unwilling or clueless? If incapable or unwilling to supervise adequately, to the level of ashley's satisfaction, then game over, obviously. Even if just a strong hunch that she is incapable, that gut feeling is enough, for sure. If however, it is a question of different opinions (more laid-back versus more hands on parenting), which is a possibility, then the question is can that be communicated\fixed in some way. For example, could there be a discussion that, "wow, we are realizing just how mobile bg is, so we are putting up gates here and here, and are staying with her in these two rooms all day, would you do that?" be an option. Or, do you just completely not trust her judgement (back to not capable), in which case yes, use the she would really benefit from other kids\consistent schedule, etc. routine.

But, those of you with the super vehement reactions, if you care to, why? Is there no other side to this story? Is this back to all of our MIL feelings (which trust me I share), or what?

[Betsy]

@Chayary - I haven't commented yet and don't know that I will beyond this one, but I'm wondering which of the following "super vehement reactions" do you mean? --

1) The comments insisting that it's unfair and absurd to suggest there's anything cognitively wrong with Ashley's MIL, and perseverating on the tv remote??

2) The comments telling Ashley that it's ok to be a more laid back mom, it's ok if your baby is unsupervised roaming around the house sometimes, and insinuating that she and today's helicopter moms are probably too concerned and that the older generations had it right??

3) The comments shouting danger!!! baby is not safe!!! and telling Ashley to change caregivers immediately??

[Sharon aka Mommie Mentor]

Can't read all the posts, sorry if I'm repeating.

What if you told MIL that the daycare has a new rule. Due to an increase in interest in the center each family is now required to commit to attend at least, fill in the blank, amount of hours each week or loose their spot.

This way MIF can see this has nothing to do with her and everything to do with preserving BG's place at daycare. Just a thought.

[EEEEEK]

I had another thought - if MIL is watching TV, she isn't really interacting with BG (outside of nap time, of course). If you want BG to have more stimulating interaction/learning/etc., DC might be a better option for her anyway. I caught my first nanny watching Oprah several times, even though we had express no-TV while the kids are up rules. My second nanny is awesome, spends all her time on the floor with/near my child, doing art, music, building, reading, etc. with no TV on the average day.

[Sara]

I think mom needs to trust her gut and find new care. If the safety concerns would cause you to fire someone, you should "fire" your MIL. If it's unsafe, it's unsafe, free or not.

I found the 12-18 month period the most hazardous in terms of my son's mobility, clumsiness, lack of judgment, curiosity, and general unpredictability. I imagine that mom and dad aren't with BG all the time either, there's "in the other room for a few minutes" (which we all do) and then there's "no idea where she is." The letter suggests that mom and dad know that MIL is doing more of the latter, not the former.

My son is now 3 and spends plenty of time elsewhere in the house from me. But I'm keenly attuned to doors opening, chairs scraping, and water running (his particular avenues of mischief). I wouldn't trust someone else to be letting him roam the house if I didn't trust them to be similarly aware of potential signs of trouble.

@Maryanne, so sorry to hear your story, but thank you for sharing it. I think it is important to remind people that toddlers can get into real trouble, if they aren't taken care of by people who have enough awareness.

I also think that older parents forget how much care young toddlers need. In fact, I think much of the "helicopter parent" complaint is because people forget how much they hovered over their own babies and young toddlers. And some kids are more apt to get into trouble than others, so each parent has to judge how much supervision their own kid needs.

[Jill]

I haven't read all of the responses yet although I've skimmed some..

For the people that say "oh I'm not always in the same room" yes, I feel the same way. BUT, I know where he is. Especially when he was 1 year old! ANd we had plenty of gates and closed doors so I knew he couldn't get into the bathroom and fall into the tub. And I wasn't fiddling with the TV wondering where the kid was. I was maybe washing my hands or fixing a meal or something.

I think you have to be up front with MIL. Even if you fanagle your way out of the one day a week care by changing your schedule, she's still goign to want to watch her while you go out to dinner on a Saturday night, or offer to let you guys have a nice getaway for your anniversary.

I think you have to say that you think that now that she's a toddler, it's just too much to ask MIL to be on top of it all and that you're concerned because your DH's conversations lead you to believe that your LO is not being watched enough given her mobility (which will just get crazier). You love your MIL, you want her to come over and play and all, but you just feel like she needs more supervision and maybe the structure of day care would be better for everyone.

[Schwa de Vivre]

My first reaction was go for fulltime daycare, find a way to break the news to MIL that would spare her feelings, and look into whether the MIL is suffering from dementia or even just some other form of foggy-headedness (for instance, anxiety-induced or sleep-deprivation-induced or prescription-side-effect).

And to be honest, after reading most of the comments and rereading the initial letter, that's my second response as well. I agree it's possible that the MIL isn't as irresponsible as all that -- I let my 13 month old wander all over the house, including the bathroom, and while I usually have a sharp ear out, have once or twice been unable to find him when he was, say, behind furniture. But I'm not sure that's the issue, exactly, and I think the situation could go either way. In this case, I think OP and her DH need to trust their instincts, since they have more of the whole picture than we do and have to live with the worry (or relief) every day.