I have no idea why this posted on the wrong site after appearing briefly in people's RSS feeds.... Grr, Typepad.
Thank you guys for the birthday wishes. I had an enjoyably fattening day!
Beth writes:
"My wife is six months pregnant with our first baby and we just moved for her to take a great new job. After a year and a half trying to get me pregnant, my wife got pregnant instantly (yay!) but now our new baby is due, at the absolute outside, two weeks before my wife hits the one year mark at her job. It's a nice company so they aren't pitching a fit about her taking leave so soon after starting there but, because we won't have hit the magic one year date, it will only be 60% paid for five weeks at best (short-term disability) and most likely not paid at all though they are willing to let her be out of the office for 12 weeks. I am scraping together as much money as I can to cover us while my wife is home but we have no idea how much leave she ought to take and her company would like some kind of estimate. If you factor childcare issues out of the discussion, (we had long planned for me to stay home and, in fact, I am already there; she got pregnant so soon after our move that I hadn't found a new job yet and then it became clear I was no way going to get anything for only nine months in a new place with no contacts) how much leave have other people felt they wanted/needed? How much leave do you think we might need? What factors proved important? Can you tell we are flailing here?
If it is at all important to this estimate, my parents will be coming to stay for at least two weeks after the baby is born and our best friend will be living with us for the entire summer."
Wow. Congratulations on the quickly-achieved pregnancy for your wife!
My advice is that she should take as much leave as she possibly can without putting major financial strain on the family or derailing her career.
It is impossible to express how difficult and time-consuming it is to have a newborn, while also recovering from pregnancy and childbirth. It's just physically exhausting, to start, and then the whole first few weeks are pretty much a non-stop batch of worry about everything from feeding to diaper changes to whether the umbilical cord is healing well to what it means when the baby hiccups to pacifiers to basically everything. While I know there are women who have to do it, five weeks seems absolutely inhumane to me, and I would do whatever I had to to get to 12 weeks at a minimum. (And yes, I know there are some of you out there who did it on much less, but I'm betting you'd have had an easier first year or two if you'd had more time to catch your breath before having to do two jobs.)
Please note that I think you are going to be fabulous with the baby, and that I'm assuming your parents and best friend are going to be enormously helpful with the baby. My concern here isn't really for the baby, since it seems clear that s/he is going to be well cared-for by all of you. My concern is for your wife, who really needs time to recover physically and to get her confidence as a mom and have enough stability before she starts burning the candle at both ends. It will help her to have other adults around during her leave, as she'll actually be able to catch naps and have other people do everything so all she has to do is nurse and sleep and stay hydrated. But, again, there's no way to describe how exhausting (physically and mentally and emotionally) those first few months are. The more space you all together can figure out how to give her, the less chance she'll have of getting so exhausted that she falls into PPD.
Do you think her employer might be open to the possibility of giving her her 12 weeks of FMLA time in chunks, so that she could go back part-time starting at 9 or 10 weeks and not start again full-time until 14 or 15 weeks?
What do the rest of you say? How long did you get to take off? Was it enough to recover? How long would you take ideally? (And yes, everyone at home with a newborn secretly or not-so-secretly wishes they could just leave all day at a certain point. Taking care of babies is HARD, y'all.)
I took 11.5 weeks. 6 was disability and 5.5 of FMLA time. 6 was not enough. It just wasn't. I think I could have survived 10 weeks if I had too. Looking back on it, I wish I had taken the whole 18 weeks available too me, but I'm glad for the 11.5 that I did have.
Something I would have your wife look into if she is breastfeeding is if there is a lactation room available. I didn't do that beforehand and it caused a lot of anxiety for me until I actually came back and discovered we had one. It was needless worry on my part, and made coming back harder.
Posted by: Jojo | February 27, 2009 at 02:20 PM
Is this a job that would allow some telecommuting? I was able to do a little something by four weeks (not much, but I was also the only adult around by that point), but so much depends on how the delivery goes, the baby's personality type (have your wife start chowing ground flaxseed now!).
I hate to give in-a-perfect-world scenarios when those are clearly right out, but the longer you can stretch out a part-time schedule, the better.
In any case, congratulations about the baby -- yay babies!
Posted by: Slim | February 27, 2009 at 02:28 PM
12 weeks felt comfortable to me. I would not have been ready at 6 weeks, and I knew I wanted all that time. By the end of 12 weeks, though, I was starting to want the adult interaction and to get out of the house every day. My husband took off the first week with me.
Posted by: Steph | February 27, 2009 at 02:30 PM
Congratulations on the soon to be born baby! And I'm sorry you weren't able to get pregnant.
It took me at least 6 weeks to recover from childbirth. I had a very easy labor/delivery, but it just wiped me out. I did tear pretty severly (so maybe the delivery wasn't super easy) which impacted the recovery. I was really surprised at how long it took since my wife bounced back very quickly after the birth of our daugher. I really don't think I could have gone back to work at 5 weeks.
I went back at 13 weeks, and it was hard. Really, really hard. I would also take as much time as possible. If there is anyway she can swing working part of the time at home (while you are there to care for the baby), do that. Regardless, it's going to suck going back, but it will get easier. And there are very nice parts of being at work, too.
Posted by: Brooke | February 27, 2009 at 02:35 PM
I took 12 weeks. My baby was still getting up twice a night and I had a fairly high stress job. The week after I went back I got shingles (most likely stress induced). 2.5 months after I went back I got laid off and I was upset but then almost instantly relieved. I totally agree with Moxie that your wife needs time to recover, the cumulative effect of giving birth, breastfeeding, going without sleep, then working and possibly pumping will catch up with her. Do everything you can so she can take as much time as possible. Those weeks will go by so quickly and I really doubt she will regret taking extra time but she may very well regret not taking enough.
Posted by: Suzanne | February 27, 2009 at 02:37 PM
i agree with Moxie; take as much time as possible- which seems to affirm what you were already thinking.
could your wife start back 1 day a week, and slowly edge her way back up to full time if she must?
ideally: i think new Mommies should have 1 year off. that's my $.02.
Posted by: morrow | February 27, 2009 at 02:44 PM
I came back half-time after 10 weeks, then full-time 4 weeks later - basically "smearing out" the end of my 12 weeks a little but taking the same amount of leave. It would have been nice to have had longer, but it was OK.
Posted by: Elizabeth | February 27, 2009 at 02:45 PM
Oh, you guys... how do you do it? I have 50 weeks mat leave here in Canada, then the option for an additional 6 months leave of absence. I get 85% of my salary for 6 months and then employment insurance (not all jobs offer the salary top-up). And I just had to complete 600 hours before I was eligible to do it all over again. I am really being sincere, not smug... I can not imagine going back to work after 12 weeks. I was a mess! How do you all do it? I admire each of you hard working Yankee moms.
Posted by: Laura | February 27, 2009 at 02:47 PM
Wow, I am stunned by how one can cope on so little maternity leave. And enormously impressed by those who go back to work after such a short time at home.
I live in a country where you get 5 months paid (at 80%) and can stay at home till 12 months at 30%, and where you can actually stay at home till the child is 3 years old (12-24 months unpaid) and keep your job (or return to a 'similar'job in the company). Even freelance workers like myslef have the above benefits (not the keep your job till the kid is 3 years old part of course).
I started to work the odd hour when my first was 7 months. I wouldn't have even considered re-starting work until I was at least into the solids stage. Anything less than 2 months would have just been non-negotiable. With my first, I didn't even have my bearings until at least 3 months and then with PPD, I was just not in the right frame of mind to tackle a job and a new routine.
Posted by: paola | February 27, 2009 at 02:48 PM
I was lucky and my job offered me full pay for the 6 weeks of disability and 70% pay during the rest of the 6 weeks of FMLA and then due to the timing I was lucky that my first day back was the last day before a 10-day paid shutdown, so I got 13 1/2 weeks off and I needed every last minute. It was a good 6 weeks before I felt like I had my feet under me and I had a very easy labor and quick recovery. I know if I had to return to work at that point I would have lost it. Baby was going to daycare and if I had to take her there at 6 weeks I'm sure I wouldn't be able to be the happy WOH mom that I was/am.
That said, if my baby was staying home with a partner I think I would have been game to going back part-time around 9-10 weeks and trying to extend that FMLA as long as possible. Having another adult in the house over the summer is also great for Beth as she'll have the adult interaction that so many SAHMs crave.
Posted by: ikate | February 27, 2009 at 02:52 PM
Back in "the olden days" we didn't get any paid leave and FMLA did not exist at all. We were expected back to work 6 weeks after giving birth, unless you had a C-section, in which case you were given a whole 8 weeks!! (Yeah, the old days were not the GOOD old days!)
My data points: worked right up to delivery. Worked on a Wednesday, went into labor and gave birth early Friday morning. I went back to work when she was 8 weeks (no c-section, just not ready at 6 weeks.)
For me it wasn't too terribly difficult. I did not breast feed (totally my decision) which eliminated some logistics. Also, I had it good as regards babysitting. Her dad worked in retail, so had a day or two off during the week. The other days I had family and close friends to take care of her.
Different era, different issues, different social expectations. This situation has a lot of variables. One question comes to mind -- when they say they are willing for her to be out 12 weeks, does that include ALL time off (before and after birth?)
Bottom line, take as much time as her employer will allow that you can afford. More is better! But do not fret if the time is less than optimum. This baby will be loved and well taken care of by both of you!
Good luck, and congrats!
Posted by: Kathy B | February 27, 2009 at 02:52 PM
I agree your wife should take as much time as she possible can, and returning part time at first would be ideal. I felt wonderful for the first two week of our son's life. I think I was running around high from the endorphines after childbirth. Then I crashed. And I didn't start to feel better from the crash until around 3 months. So 12 weeks would have been the absolute minimum amount of time I could imagine. I am also in Canada, so I had 12 months leave at 85% of my salary and then an additional 6 months unpaid leave. I really, really feel for new moms who want also to maintain their professional status in the United States. I feel like the ridiculously tiny amount of maternity leave granted in the States is one big kick in the ass to mothers everywhere. Anyhow, political rant aside, congratulations to both of you on your wife's pregnancy - so very exciting!!!
Posted by: Sarah | February 27, 2009 at 02:56 PM
Hi - I had twins (full term so the premmie issues weren't there for us) via C-section so I got 2 months. I was ready to go back at that point. I was in a bit of a fog at work the first couple of weeks but it was such a nice escape. I found out that I'm not so much an infant person - I loved my boys but I didn't enjoy that phase so much. I love the toddler and up phase and wish I could have the time off now. I did not breast feed so that may have made going back earlier a lot easier (no pumping, etc.)
So, I think if finances are really rough and you both will be stressing about that each extra day your wife is home, I'd say she could be okay to go back to work after the short leave. Having you home will totally help...
Congrats and good luck with everything.
Posted by: mo | February 27, 2009 at 03:03 PM
I took 19 weeks paid leave. It was a combo of disability, state paid leave, and lots of hours of banked vacation hours. I had a very tough long labor and a c sec and those first weeks were harder than I realized. I wasn't fit for work for a long time. And I returned the week Ds hit the 4 month sleep regression, from which we have still not recovered 4 months later. Yuck.
Longer is better.
Posted by: Sarah | February 27, 2009 at 03:07 PM
I'm due with my first child in 5 weeks and I've arranged to take 14 weeks off - two weeks of vacation time and then 12 weeks of FMLA. I offered (and kind of wanted to--I'm not looking forward to the backlog once I get back) start coming back part time (a few hours a day, once or twice a week) after 10 weeks, but that didn't fly.
I've found that most people are shocked at the amount of time I'm taking--most of my friends with babies only took 6-8 weeks. My best friend is due 6 weeks after me and she's only able to take 4 weeks total--and I couldn't imagine that. I don't see how she's going to do it.
Posted by: Christy | February 27, 2009 at 03:08 PM
I got 6 weeks at 60% pay and then took two weeks unpaid. I went back part-time (30 hours), and it was really hard. I had a tiny cubicle but had about 10 pictures of my daughter on my desk. I definitely would have appreciated more leave at the beginning.
Now I'm working full-time but in a job that makes me happy, and my daughter is in a great daycare right downstairs. But I still feel guilty and miss her...I would no matter what.
Posted by: Jenny | February 27, 2009 at 03:11 PM
I took 17 weeks, and then went back part time (3 days a week). I still do 3 days a week and most the time I'm grateful for my arrangement. (There are some days I want to stay home more, but it's not an option, so I try not to dwell on it... Unless he's sick, which he is now big time, and I want to spend every minute with him. But I digress...) I too did not breastfeed for several reasons, but that made it easier I think.
These days, I'm glad to be bringing home half the bacon while there's still bacon to bring home!
Posted by: Jenny | February 27, 2009 at 03:12 PM
I went back after 8 weeks. I had a C-section, so that's how long my disability lasted. I had to financially, as it was I was having to top off my disability checks with cash advances from a credit card just to pay our bills. And yes, it was hard. On one hand, looking back I would have extended it as long as I could if we could have afforded it. But I know that's the me now, and not the me then, because I remember being really bored and craving adult conversation and wanting to go back to a job I absolutely hated rather than be at home which I also absolutely hated (had a little PPD.)
So with a support team, I might have done a little better and lasted a little longer at home. I know i was better off on the days when my husband was home or my Mom came over. And for the record, before the birth I had been calculating how much money I needed to supplement my husband's income in order for me to stay home, so it's not that I'm career driven or anything - I had seriously thought I would want to stay home...and that just didn't work well for me.
Posted by: Kristine | February 27, 2009 at 03:14 PM
I took 11.5 weeks and then went back part time for the first week so I was back full time by 13 weeks. I had my parents watching him for the first 2 months back so they brought him to me at lunch every day to nurse which made things much, much easier. It would have been a lot harder without that. It meant I only had to pump once a day and I got to see him for that extra 30 minutes a day which helped with the emotional adjustment. I would say I was pretty useless at work for another 2-3 months after going back though. Mostly due to brain fog from lack of sleep.
I had a complication free vaginal birth but still didn't feel physically recovered enough that I could hold it for more than a minute if I had to pee until about 10 weeks postpartum. So anything sooner than that would have been very, very hard for me. I can't imagine running down the hall at work to the bathroom not sure if I'd make it on time. I don't think everyone has that problem but I figured I'd mention it. the whole 6 weeks to recover from a vaginal birth thing did not apply to me for sure.
Posted by: auburn | February 27, 2009 at 03:18 PM
@Laura, we Yankee moms do it because we have no other choice, unfortunately.
I was working for a small-ish nonprofit with no formal maternity leave policy when I got pregnant and had just accepted a promotion. I couldn't financially swing more than 3 months of maternity leave, and that seemed to be about the right amount of time to be away from a new position at work, as well. At six weeks past delivery (normal, vaginal birth with second degree tearing), I was still majorly exhausted and still had lochia that threatened to become hemorraghing if I did anything more strenuous than babycare and leisurely walking. At six weeks, babies are entering a major growth spurt and experiencing all kinds of cognitive leaps - my easy, mellow baby got kind of difficult at that point, and we were all very sleep deprived. I cannot IMAGINE having to go back to work at six weeks postpartum. Like other commenters said, though, by three months, I was craving more stimulation and adult activity and felt fairly ready to go back. I think 5 or even 6 months would have been perfect, but 3 months was doable.
I was able to take my baby to work with me, work at 30 hours a week, and work from home 2-3 days a week as needed. I was lucky to have a very flexible situation.
Posted by: Heather | February 27, 2009 at 03:21 PM
Eh, I took the full 12 weeks because it was all paid for (6 weeks disability and 6 weeks accrued sick leave). But honestly I would have been fine at 9-10ish weeks. Granted I had a very easy recovery from a c-section and a fairly mellow baby. My husband was laid off when my son was 3-4 weeks old and stayed home with him for the first 6 months. And I had an easy/short commute.
However, I was able to work from home 1-2 days a week for the first 6 months which helped out a lot too. My workplace was fairly receptive to that, I think in part because they knew I had my spouse there to handle the bulk of the baby care duties while I was working from home. I think having a somewhat flexible schedule for the first 6-9 months is way more important than taking the full 12 weeks upfront. Of course, YMMV.
Posted by: Michelle | February 27, 2009 at 03:22 PM
Wow! This is my story! I am pregnant and am going to miss my 1 year mark at my job by 1 month! No one is upset at all and are very excited, but since I work at a state university, I technically work for the state gov't...which means that there is no fudging in getting short term disability. I am going to have to take unpaid leave. Which SUCKS! I plan to take 8 weeks and am saving $500 a month in order to do so.
My husband will get 5 weeks paid paternity leave, which will be very nice.
Good luck!!
Posted by: Claire | February 27, 2009 at 03:24 PM
I was in a sort-of similar situation in that my husband and I both took time off work/school, but I went back first. The first week was awesome, second and third were total hell, by week 4 we had our heads back above water again, but I think it took me until about week 8 before I was feeling ok. I didn't go back to school until 6 months, but I think I would have been much better off going back sooner and having that structure in my life. I got really stuck in this rut of feeling like I was the mom, and so I should clearly be doing most of the work. Me going back to work actually made life easier for both of us because I relaxed and let my husband be in charge. His comment after my first day back "It is way easier with you gone, because I just get to do things my own way, and I know I'm earning myself a bit of a break when you get home".
Also, I spent a lot of time stressing out about how hard it was going to be once I went back, so the advice about going back part-time to begin with sounds excellent. It will probably depend a lot on your partner, and the job. If it is a low-stress environment where she feels happy & fulfilled, going back to work will probably be really easy. A stressful environment where she is going to have to work overtime, she'll probably want to take as much time off as possible. I would probably look really carefully at your financial situation and take as much time off as you can afford, with as much part-time as you can get away with.
Good luck & have fun :)
Posted by: TodayWendy | February 27, 2009 at 03:24 PM
I took two months off altogether with my first and then worked from home until she was 18 months old, at which point I went in part time (3 afternoons per week) until I had my second. With the second, I haven't gone back to the office at all - but I was taking calls within a few days of giving birth (not the best decision ever, but it worked for us). Like so many others, I recommend taking as much time as possible. I can't imagine having to go back to work full time at 6 weeks. I don't think I was completely healed (bad tears) by then.
Posted by: Dawn | February 27, 2009 at 03:28 PM
I took 7 weeks paid vacation and sick time and then my non-paid FMLA. After that, I was on a non-paid leave of absence. I actually stayed home 11 months total, with some in frequent part time work from home (at my request).
I had a c-section and don't think I would have been ready to go back at 6 or 8 weeks. Maybe 10.
I think it's awesome that one of you will be able to be the SAHP. Your partner should take off as much as you can afford without financially straining your family too much.
Posted by: Donna | February 27, 2009 at 03:28 PM
I don't have time to read all the comments, but want to weigh in with how incredibly valuable I found a period of part time work at the end of my leave. I was able to take 3 months off, and go back half time for another month. In my opinion, the one month part time was as important as that last month off- and in fact, next time around I would seriously consider the arrangement one of my friends made, which was 2 months off, 2 months part time.
Part time is great because it lets you transition back in gently. No matter how much time you take off, the return to work is a BIG change, and comes with a lot of challenges (pumping, getting enough water through out the day to avoid dehydration headaches, adjusting to being away from your baby....) The more gentle transition back in was great. I also thought it helped me keep my supply up, because I was only relying on the pump 3 days a week instead of 5.
My personal bare minimum of full time out is 2 months. I was just getting coherent again at 6 weeks. By 2 months, I felt sort of human again. However, I did manage to leave my daughter for an entire day at the 6 week mark to go to a low key work related conference. That was valuable practice, too- it let me work out what it'd feel like at an event that required little of me, and which I could leave whenever I wanted.
Good luck, and congratulations!
Posted by: Cloud | February 27, 2009 at 03:37 PM
I was a stay-at-home mom and still am, so I cannot comment on the going back to work part, but I will say *especially* if you are planning to BF, then as much time as possible. The extra getting up at night, the time to learn to pump, it all eats into your sleep. As I'm contemplating baby #2, I realize that I've blocked out or never stored a lot of the memories from V's infancy. I know it was a lot of sitting on the couch feeding her. I'd say that 12 weeks is the bare minimum to start feeling okay, but the more time, the better.
Oh, just like the PP who mentioned the bathroom issue, here my thing that no one really warned me about: the PP bleeding. I know that it's different for everyone, but I had it for almost 12 weeks, and (sorry) the trickling would often wake me up at night, thus adding to my sleep fog. Just managing that (plus the stitches from my tear) would have been uncomfortable in a work environment. I'm pretty sure that by 12 weeks I could sit down and stand up without wincing.
What really makes me sad is reading about those women in the US who think they are lucky to get a whole 14 or 16 weeks, when they've saved up vacation and used FMLA and then they got flex time, when a lot of the rest of the world gets a year or more.
Posted by: Cecily T | February 27, 2009 at 03:37 PM
Congrats!
I only had time to skim, so sorry if this is a repeat. I agree that she should take off as much time as possible without causing the financial situation to become uber-stressful.
Two thoughts: first, breastfeeding can take a long while to get well-established. Even if there is a place at work where she can pump, having a good start is imperative.
Second, (contrary to what some books imply) I wasn't totally IN LOVE with my baby from day one. I loved her (mostly), I liked her (mostly), but she and I took a while to get used to each other. Then we took a while longer to really start to dig each other. Then we took a while longer to fall head-over-heels in love with each other. So a longer maternity leave lets that bonding happen naturally.
I was lucky-- as a teacher I was able to take one semester off (I had my baby right at the beginning of the new semester). I got one month at full pay and the rest at 50% pay. My husband was in graduate school at the time, but was able to TA for some extra money. I started back approximately 4.5 months after my daughter was born. I could have hacked it at 3 months, but I wouldn't have wanted to. At 2 months or less the sleep deprivation would have made me largely useless at work.
Posted by: Lawprofmom | February 27, 2009 at 03:40 PM
Someone may have already said this but I think it depends on the kind of work. With my first I went back to work teaching evening classes at about 12-14 weeks. I had had a difficult time recovering from the delivery and problems nursing at first so I was not at all ready before that. I was only gone about 5 or 6 hours at first and it was a good break and I love my work but on my way home I would sortof panic about not getting home to her quick it enough..that feeling, hard to explain, was the hardest for me. But my work was fun and not too stressful overall so it was nice to be back to it.
I think if your wife loves her job, it is not too physically demanding, she is confident knowing you are home with the little one than 12 weeks is good. I agree with Moxie that if it can be arranged to be home say 9 or 10 weeks and then go part time for a couple more weeks that would be ideal.
Congratulations!
Posted by: Sarah | February 27, 2009 at 03:42 PM
I took 14 weeks' off the first time, and will take 16 weeks off this time. The last month of this leave will be 60% disability, the rest I had enough leave saved up for 100% paid.
I think it's difficult (read: impossible) to predict how your wife will react to the birth, how she'll feel afterwards, whether the baby will have any complications, or just be a non-existant sleeper, like mine was.
So. Take as much as you possibly can afford. I was mentally ready to be working again at 14 weeks, but physically I was just knackered.
Posted by: meggiemoo | February 27, 2009 at 03:44 PM
I had a c-section, so I wasn't really cleared to do much of anything for 6 weeks after the birth. I went back at around 2 months (I had 3 months off but the kid was late, and I was teaching so the timing was tied to the school calendar as well as to the kid's...)
Physically I was fine at 2 months. (I was fine before the 6 weeks, really, although I was completely flattened for the first few.) Emotionally it was all kind of blindingly greyed-out for a while -- didn't realize how much at the time, didn't catch on until much later.
5 weeks seems to me that it would work *if* you really trust your childcare (which obviously is not a concern in this case) and *if* you really like your job and *if* there are no complications with either mother or kid. But those are some really big ifs.
Posted by: Andromeda | February 27, 2009 at 03:46 PM
I was lucky to have 13 weeks of full pay maternity leave from my job. I couldn't imagine going back before 12! My son had issues nursing and we didn't even get into a real routine with it for 3 weeks. So, those first few weeks I was living on 30 minutes of sleep at a time and his eating routine (try to nurse, pump, eye dropper feed him the milk) would take 60-90 minutes. I was so relieved when he figured out how to nurse directly and the pump got put away.
If I had to go back to work at 5 weeks, I'm not sure if I would have been able to breastfeed him. Having 13 weeks enabled us to get into a good breastfeeding rhythm and built my supply up enough to get us through the pumping at work situation. I am proud that my son has only had 1 ounce of formula his entire life and I was able to produce the all of his milk for his first year.
In a perfect world, I would have just gone back to work last month (he's 13 months old) or better yet still be home with him, but I am grateful for the three months we had. My husband is a work from home dad, so I think it's awesome that you are planning to be a SAHM. It relieves so much of the guilt about going back to work.
Posted by: Stefanie | February 27, 2009 at 03:52 PM
I took 12 weeks (only got 60% pay for first six weeks) and I wasn't ready to go back AT ALL, however, my husband and I both worked full-time so we had to put our son in childcare, which was devastating after being with him all day. Especially since he didn't take a bottle at all for 5 months and I had to nurse him at lunch in order for him to get fed.
Your wife MAY have an easier time returning at 12 weeks (or sooner) simply b/c you're going to be home with the baby.
Moxie's right, it's very overwhelming at first but it sounds like you guys have great supports in place!
Best wishes!
Posted by: carmen | February 27, 2009 at 03:52 PM
I live in Canada, so was spoiled rotten and had a year off. I can say though, that by 6 weeks after the baby was born, we were all just sort of getting into the swing of things. Especially with breast feeding - I'm not sure if she plans to nurse the baby, but I would suggest more is better than less. And I would agree with Moxie that if she can go back starting part time it will help ease into things. Its great you'll be home with the baby, but its a major event on a person's body to give birth, so I would hope your wife is able to take as much time as possible. Its also really nice to be a threesome for a while when the new arrival shows up. You just can't beat that time for bonding and becoming a family of three.
Posted by: Jeannie | February 27, 2009 at 03:57 PM
I had 12 weeks off before I started teaching in the fall (May baby), and went back with a full courseload but only 3 days per week on campus. Fulltime job on a part-time schedule = lots of grading/emailing while nursing!
I'd say it took at least 6 weeks to get the rhythm of life down, especially breastfeeding. And another 6 weeks before I felt like the baby was a remotely independent creature, rather than one of my own appendages. (They call it "the fourth trimester" for a reason.) If I had returned any sooner than 12 weeks, I swear it would have felt like amputating some part of myself. Only around 12 *months* did I start to feel comfortable with the baby being in a non-family daycare situation (still a home DCP, not a center).
US maternity leave sucks.
Posted by: Carol | February 27, 2009 at 04:00 PM
Congratulations to you both!
14 weeks, 12 FMLA and two extra because it was the end of the year and they let me take off until the new year. Four paid weeks via saved vacation days, the rest unpaid.
I agree that she should plan to take off as much time as you can afford - balance her need to be home and rest and recover and be with the baby with a workable financial situation. If it turns out she wants to go back before then - I'm sure her work would be fine with that.
Having you home fulltime with her and the baby should really!! help those first few weeks and you guys might have one of those babies that sleep occasionally. :) We didn't and there was no way on earth that I could have gotten up and gone to work before the 12 week mark. Six weeks in and I was a mess. But by the time he was 14 weeks old it was actually nice to be able to have an excuse to take care of myself a little bit each day - shower, get dressed, eat - all the things that when I was taking care of the baby at home by myself never seemed to happen.
And since the childcare situation is always a big issue for moms returning to work, I can't think of a better place (for mom's peace of mind) for baby to be than at home with a stay at home parent. So that should make the back to work transition easier, too.
Posted by: mom2boys | February 27, 2009 at 04:04 PM
Congratulations on the upcoming baby!
I had 6 weeks off full time (new job, little accumulated leave, not eligible for short-term disability or FMLA at that point) and took 8 weeks off half-time. I was able to advance myself sick leave to swing that much time off (@Claire--maybe this would work for you?). I really would have liked more time: at least 8 weeks off full-time or even 12. More if I could have gotten it without jeopardizing my job. I highly recommend returning part-time for at least a few weeks. I had twins, but I think more time is better no matter what. I was stunned at how almost stunned I felt after the delivery, nursing, night waking, and so on. Of course, everyone is different!
But it's hard no matter what. Every time there was a change in our schedule, we had to struggle for a week or two to adjust. It helps that my employer is alright with my having a bit of a flexible work schedule. I don't get to the office until around 9, rather than 8 as I should. I work on some evenings or weekends (salary, not hourly), so it works out over time. Best of luck and enjoy!
Posted by: Clementine | February 27, 2009 at 04:04 PM
just being a data point, because i sincerely hope this won't be your path.
i went back at 4 weeks, because i had a c-section at 25 weeks and since the baby was in the nicu for the foreseeable future, i wanted to take the time off when he came home. i was fine at work even though it was a reasonably physical job (pacu nurse, moving patients & stretchers & all, on your feet a lot). really, i've had sunburns that hurt worse than my section & quit bleeding before i left the hospital. the pumping was a major annoyance, but i tried to frame it as time for the baby since i couldn't be with him.
it actually turned out that i resigned when he was coming home (at 7 1/2 mo), because moving in with my mama is what made sense then, and the job was 2 hours from here, but that was my thought process at the time.
Posted by: marci | February 27, 2009 at 04:10 PM
I took 12.5 weeks--6 weeks paid disability, 4 weeks banked vacation time (I give birth in Feb and had 2 weeks rolled over from the previous year that I had never taken because I was on bedrest for half the year), and the rest unpaid. I had a c-section, serious nursing problems, and what looking back I now realize was a mild case of PPD, and I only started to feel human again around 9-10 weeks. Definitely would not have been ready to go back at 6 weeks--and I had my husband home with me most of that time. 12 weeks was about right, I probably could have done with another month though.
The advice to start part-time is excellent, but if you can't do that, then try to make your first day back a Wednesday or Thursday. It makes the landing a little softer if you're not going back for a whole week right away.
Posted by: electriclady | February 27, 2009 at 04:18 PM
I took 12 weeks unpaid; like the OP and her wife, I was in a new job and didn't actually qualify for FMLA. But my company wisely let me take it anyway.
My husband, however, had spent 10 years working in social services for lousy pay but with excellent benefits. So he took his -fully paid!- FMLA time after I went back to work. We had saved as much as we could while I was pregnant to cover the expenses during my leave... it was a bit tight, but I am so glad we did it. If I'd been in a better bargaining position, I would've taken off even more time. My daughter was a preemie - 6 weeks early - so she was only at 6 weeks adjusted age when I went back, and had only been home for about 10 weeks. I also had a slow recovery from the c-section, which didn't help.
So, my advice would really be for her to take as much leave as you guys can swing financially. Good luck - and congrats!
Posted by: michaela | February 27, 2009 at 04:31 PM
One more thing to add... Your wife should save a little bit of her vacation time because she'll most likely need a couple days after she goes back to work. Helps that you will be home but still things come up (i.e., if you get sick, she'll need to take a day to help take care of the baby, etc.).
Posted by: mo | February 27, 2009 at 04:38 PM
I took 12 weeks, entirely unpaid. Finanically that was a really challenging decision for our family. However, I think 12 weeks should be a minimum required by law. It is so necessary for bonding, breastfeeding, sanity, sleep...the list could go on!
I have had friends who took 8 weeks off full time, then eased back in part time for 4-6 more weeks. That worked well for them!
Posted by: Susan | February 27, 2009 at 04:39 PM
Having read the comments now, one thing I'll add- the other thing that helped with my transition was that I went back to work before she went to day care, so I got to split up those two stressors.
My first month back, I was part time and my Hubby was part time. Then for another month, my parents watched her. So she went into day care at 5 months, at a point when I had two months of work under my belt. I think that helped.
I do remember guilt/stress about day care at first, but that went away, and now (Pumpkin is almost 23 months old), I can't imagine NOT having her in day care- she loves it. That feeling started coming at about 1 year, and has grown.
Posted by: Cloud | February 27, 2009 at 04:41 PM
I can't read all the comments so I don't know if this is a repeat, but I would strongly suggest a gradual phase-back to work (using some leave time to work part days or fewer days/week at first). This was hugely helpful to me in terms of overall adjustment (mine + baby's), establishing a good nursing/pumping routine, having time to spend with new mom friends, etc.
FTR I had 14 wks off, then 8 PT (then another year of 2 days/wk telecommuting) but I know I was extremely lucky to get any of that.
Posted by: mayberry | February 27, 2009 at 04:45 PM
I teach, so I ended up taking a semester off. It ended up that I had the summer + Fall semesters off, but that ended up being 13 weeks after her birth (born in September). I went back part time and that worked well for us. I would not have been ready to work much sooner. Maybe 10 weeks at the absolute earliest?
One thing I wanted to mention is that your wife might not be able/want to work all the way up until her due date. I don't know how moms who do that do it. I know she may have no choice, but she might want to start brainstorming more ways to get some rest in the last month or two. If she lives close enough, she could think about negotiating a longer lunch to be able to get a nap, or find a way to put her feet up in her office. At my DH's work, the lactation/sick room has a couch, and occasionally pregnant co-workers use it to catch a quick nap.
Posted by: wavybrains | February 27, 2009 at 04:48 PM
Dude - Have your wife arrange to take the maximum allowable amount of time off. She can always go back to work early, but it's not so easy to extend leave once the workplace is expecting her to come back at a certain date. I took 12 weeks off, fully paid, and then had relatives fly in from out of state to take care of the wee one while I went back to work - it took us ages to find daycare.
Posted by: Megan | February 27, 2009 at 04:54 PM
I'm in Canada, so I took 13 months (and was nowhere ready to go back, the latter half of my mat leave was fabulous). The first 6 weeks were sooo hard, and the sleep deprivation - I don't think I could have functioned at work before the 4 month mark.
Posted by: noodlebrain | February 27, 2009 at 04:55 PM
I vote for going back part-time at first. And if your wife is planning to breastfeed/pump- definitely scope the scene out in advance.
I took 14 weeks in full (only a small portion paid) and went back 3 days/week, which I continued for 1 1/2 years. After 14 weeks, I was starting to be ready for more adult interaction, but it was still EXHAUSTING to go back, do the day care shuffle, pump, etc. even for 3 days/wk.
I really think 8-12 weeks is a minimum. I don't know how people go back after less than that, but you do what you have to.
Best of luck and congrats!
Posted by: Anon | February 27, 2009 at 05:00 PM
Can you do some part-time work (temping) for the next few months to increase income? Some families need transitional nannies and you could do that and get some experience while you wait for your little one to arrive.
If you have twins in MA you get 16 weeks, not 12. I'm very lucky in that the Big Firm legal world has the most generous leave policy. 18 weeks paid (and I had 2.5 weeks of unused vacation out of 4 weeks) plus another 8 weeks unpaid - so I got 6 months total.
This is why women in the US don't BF - I stopped in anticipation of returning to work (on Tuesday). I agree with other posters - the first 12 weeks Kicked My Ass. But now it is so heart-wrenching to leave. I might have handled it better when they were napping monsters (as in, not at all).
Posted by: Mommy, Esq. | February 27, 2009 at 05:17 PM
I had a c-section, and I didn't physically feel better from that til 3 weeks. I had help full-time for the first 2 weeks. Then we had feeding issues, and those were resolved successfully by 5 weeks. I felt human at about 8-9 weeks. Tired, but functional. Much better by 12 weeks.
My job is somewhat complicated, and we had worked out the money part, so I just didn't push it. I didn't take a project til 9 months (self-employed). I had mild PPD, and looking back now, I don't know if maybe I should have been working. I think it's important to go with your gut.
If she's breastfeeding - a lot of sources recommend not even introducing a bottle til 4-6 weeks. If she's going back at 5 weeks, chances are she'd be trying to pump to build a stash, and frankly, it's rare to pump tons in the first few weeks, but some people get really discouraged from seeing a low output. Of course your kid's stomach is the size of a marble at first, so you don't need 5 ounces in a pumping session, but it can undermine people's confidence and also add to any existing early soreness. I typically vote not to pump until you absolutely have to (and remember that once she's back at work, she'll be replacing missed feedings, not trying to squeeze out extra while feeding a baby full-time).
I really can't imagine going back sooner than 8 weeks, at minimum, and this is a time you don't get back, so if you can swing it, shoot for as much as she can take. I like the idea of trying to see if she can go back part-time or work from home for a while.
Congrats to you both!
Posted by: Helen | February 27, 2009 at 05:18 PM