Q&A: eye candy

Dudes, why did I not try upping my calcium for the clumsy PMS? I know calcium helps if a nursing mom's milk supply drops right before getting her period, so it's worth a try. And thanks to all the other people who admitted to the clumsy thing! I thought it was just my mom and me...

Today's question is from a male friend of mine. He asked me this verbally, so I'm paraphrasing:

How do your readers feel about the who eye candy issue? Specifically, my wife has started exercising to a DVD every night after the kids are in bed, and I'm totally supportive of her feeling good about her health. But the guy in the DVD is very attractive, and I don't know if I should be bothered by that or not. In general, what do we think the borderline is between appreciating a good aesthetic, and inappropriateness?

He was posing the question to me as a philosophical issue, and I don't think he thinks his wife's DVD boyfriend is a problem at all. I don't think so, either, as I know enough about their marriage to know that sometimes a downward dog is just a downward dog.

But I do think it's an interesting question. Where do you cross the line from "Jason from The Bachelor has abs I'd lick Nutella from" to sending naked photos of yourself to members of Maroon 5 and going on online forums to pretend you know them?

I'd argue that it's really all about your emotional health and the health of your primary relationship. If your relationship is good, then things won't go too far. But if focusing on this other person (whether real or famous or a fictional character) is a way of hiding or blocking yourself off from your primary relationship, then it's bad. No matter if it's actual porn or watching too many episodes of "Good Eats."

There are all kinds of ways to escape if your primary relationship is bad. Too much time reading or writing blogs, reality TV, cross-stitching, drinking wine, exercising, pouring all your energies into your kids so you're SuperMom--all these things can let you escape from something that's going off the rails. But if everything's fine, then things probably won't get out of balance.

Opinions? Anecdotes? Favorite eye candy?

Comments

[Shannon]

Patrick Dempsey.

[amy]

1. "Too much time reading or writing blogs"? Moxie. What are you trying to tell me?

2. "sanjay gupta would be our hottest surgeon general ever" (from the tag)? While true, you have to admit there's not a lot of competition in that realm.

3. I often tease my husband because he enjoys all kinds of eye candy in the morning before work. His favorites? (Yes, I know which ones they are.) Heather Tesh of the Weather Channel, especially in a sweater, and Robin Meade of Headline News. When I was feeling insecure about our marriage, post baby #1, I felt threatened by the morning eye candy, but now I don't. One of the things that helped was figuratively standing next to him and seeing it from his perspective. They *are* beautiful women, and yeah, I rather enjoy looking at them while Heather tells me about the dip in the jet stream and Robin calls me "Sunshine" as she's coming back from commercial.

It also helps that he and I talk about who's attractive on tv all the time. That seems to take the danger out of the dance between eye candy and symptom of a larger problem by making our thoughts available to the other person.

[flea]

The DVD isn't Gaiam's "Rodney Yee and His Enormous Package," as friends of mine used to call it, is it? Though personally Rodney Yee creeps me out.

[ML]

Shannon: I remember Patrick Dempsey from "Can't Buy Me Love" (bad '80s teen rom-com) and every time I see his (now) handsome mug on a cover of a magazine, I can hardly believe he was that nebbishy, awkward teenage boy.

But oh, that Daniel Craig...

[ikate]

Someone once told me "just because I'm satisfied with my dinner doesn't mean I don't want to take a look at the dessert cart", another has said she’d never join an all-female gym because seeing the “man meat” at her gym was her main motivation for working out. I think both are so right - a healthy fantasy life is part of a healthy relationship. Underline the fantasy part. Wanting to act on those urges, I think, signals an underlying dissatisfaction with your relationship.

Also, I snorted my Diet Coke through my nose at your mention of "Good Eats" because my husband teases me about my crush on Alton Brown. And now there are the lusty dreams I have after Michael Symon is on Iron Chef….let’s not even talk about the times I see him at his restaurant in my city – the man is HOT!

[Michelle G]

Hmmm...my husband and I joke about this pretty frequently. He'll claim the only reason I'll sit through Action Movie Of The Day is to check out the male lead. I like to accuse him of oggling random female passers by. The point is, it is all in good fun. Nobody's feelings get hurt. Both my husband and I feel pretty relaxed about the whole eye candy issue generally- I certainly could care less if he finds some lady on TV attractive. Actually, I sort of expect him to.

[Delmaron]

My all-time eye candy would be Jennifer Aniston. (Please don't judge...)

[effective nancy]

I think it's an amusingly sexist question. After all, our American media landscape is littered with images of women whose bodies are widely considered to be both hot and unattainable by normal standards. I'm sure this husband sees these ALL THE TIME; why shouldn't his wife also get to look at hot and unattainable men?

Here's another thing that's come up in this house--the men in the media my husband is pretend-worried about me ogling are not the most physically attractive specimens--it's the ones who are competent at useful skills. So we've joked that Handy Andy from BBC's "Changing Rooms" was really the competition. And let's face it--in real life (not fantasy), you'd want someone who was more than nice to look at. Preening and moisturizing and working out are not skills that get dinner on the table for most people.

[paola]

Uhh, Clive Owen is totally hot. Also the actor that plays Luca Kovac in ER. Those two get my blood boiling. I know my hubby has his favourties also and I'm not at all bothered by it. Does having a regular squeeze exempt you from finding others attractive?

My mum has always admitted to being in lust with Roger Moore who played Simon Templer back in the 60's when she was pregnant with my brother, who actully scored the name (not Roger). I can't imagine ever calling any child of mine Owen though (hope I don't offend any mothers of Owens out there in Moxie land)

[Slim]

David Rintoul as Darcy.

And shouldn't looking be OK? As long as no one enters a trance while doing so?

I dunno, maybe the trance is OK too.

[june]

My husband and I attend a church in South Beach, and a huge portion of our membership is made up of professional models.
We're constantly faced with all kinds of "eye candy" and it's not really a big deal.
I think you hit it right on the head, if your in a healthy relationship, keep your appropriate boundries with people, attractive people shouldn't be a problem.
A workout dvd seems like no big deal.

[Andrea]

I regularly remind my husband that I'm going to leave him for Jack White from the White Stripes. Either him or Viggo Mortensen. He usually just says, "mmm hmm" and ignores it. We also share our sex dreams with each other, even if they involved people other than each other. We find it kind of hot. Although, I almost KILLED him when he woke me up from a sex dream involving Jonny Lee Miller. I got all pissed and told him, "You just COCK BLOCKED me and JLM! You jerk!" LOL. It also helps that I'm bisexual, so we will often ogle women together.

We evidently have few jealousy issues.

[enu]

"How do your readers feel about the who eye candy issue? "

Weee--eeel, I really prefer Christopher Eccleston, tho he's not strictly handsome, but you gotta dig the ears, anyway, and he's pretty cool when he's running, which is most of the time, and devastating when he's smiling which is rare but choice.

Tennant is more good-looking, but acts to goofy to drool over.

The New Doctor (Matt Smith) is very interesting looking but wayyy crosses the line on too young to drool over.

I'm not familiar with the older ones, Tom Baker, et. al.

Did I misunderstand the question???? ;-)

FWIW, I think fantasy is fine, good even, and I don't mind the thought of spouse engaging in it nor chide myself for it. After 31 years together, I'm still not "crush proof," but the key is, would nevah evah act on it.

[anon for this]

If some woman from a workout tape or equivalent real life individual at the gym were enough to get my husband exercising 2-3x a week (once! I'll take once a week!) to start chipping away at his high blood pressure and depression, I'd be really in favor. A little pride and preening would be great.

[AnonForThis]

My husband always gets sex the nights Jeffrey Donovan is on TV in Burn Notice. He has yet to complain about eye candy. Hee.

[zimbabweanjen]

cross-stitch? argh! i took this up a few months ago and find it maddeningly addictive sad to say...never thought it could enter the realm of 'distraction' like that...better watch how many little x's i cross!

[Jac]

My husband and I are totally open about it. I fully accept that I am not the most beautiful, sexy woman in the world so it doesn't bother me if he checks out other women. I might be more insecure about it if I thought he was with me because of my looks because then, presumably, he would prefer to be with someone better looking, but I know that's not the case.

We've even adopted the Friends Freebie Five list. (i.e. we each have a list of five celebrity crushes that we have a free pass to hook-up with - if the opportunity should ever arise). We regularly update each other about who is on the list. It's my bad luck that he's actually met two of the people on his list. It's my good luck that both were terribly disappointing in real life :)

@effective nancy, the "usefulness" thing works both ways. My husband crushes on Nigella Lawson (the British cook) but I'm pretty sure it's 95% because her cooking looks so fantastic and I am completely useless in the kitchen.

[Amy]

Nigel Barker, hands down. No nutella required, I'll just lick him. Hubby's all about Kate Beckinsale. Doesn't really bother me. He also likes Andrea Jackson from the Daily Buzz...to the point he got an autographed photo via the website. I thought that was a little bit much, but...still. Not enough to really worry me. There's a big difference between hot famous people and someone you'd actually speak to in real life.

[hydrogeek]

All I have to say is I would TOTALLY take home the Take Home Chef.

Like others have said, as long as your relationship is healthy, eye candy isn't bad, and could even be good.

@Effective Nancy: The Take Home Chef could take over cooking duties! Useful AND hot, I'm digging that.

[sheSaid]

If you are not hiding anything from your partner, continue to communicate, and both of YOU feel comfortable, then all is good.

We personally encourage each other to have crushes... it makes monogamy more interesting, gives us new motivation to preen ourselves, and we talk about it.

Last night we were watching Stargate Atlantis (I enjoy this mostly for the eye candy) and John Shepard looked pretty hot in some roughed up denim, a dress shirt untucked, and a jacket. That look is so hot.

We got the wiiFit and you can pick your trainer... I picked male and was going ON and ON about his suggestive comments to my husband.... sometimes a downward dog is just that much nicer :)

[Ari]

I'm going to second Daniel Craig. And I think it helps to have a completely unattainable person to fantasize about when DH is being somewhat less than dear. If it were someone from the office, that would be another story. (someday DH will notice that our DVD of Casino Royale -- the only DVD I've ever purchased -- has grooves worn in it from the finger sucking and the emerging from the ocean scenes, but he hasn't noticed yet)

[m]

George Clooney. Peter Mansbridge.

(anecdote to follow...)

[Joy]

@ML- you took the comment right out of my mouth re: P Dempsey... every time I see him on a 'top hotties' list I have to laugh because I can't get the dorky image out of my head.
@Andrea- TOTALLY Viggo Mortensen. Also, I will watch Christian Bale in Batman as many times as my husband and son want to.

Does anyone remember that episode of Friends where Ross and Rachael their lists of five famous people they get 'free passes' for if they should ever have the chance? DH and I are always joking about our 'top five lists', and yes, I agree with Andrea that sharing these fantasies can be hot. My personal top five: Viggo and Christian, of course; Gerard Butler, Antonio Banderas, and Johnny Depp, who I've oogled ever since 21 Jump Street.

I think how confident you are, how secure with your own appearance you are, will have a lot to do with determining how much you are bothered by your partner's oogling of eye candy. This is a lot easier for me to say now, since I dropped 40 lbs. last year, and now feel way better about my supermodel competition. If you know your spouse may be sensitive to your oogling due to their own insecurities, you should be sensitive to that. I think the line should be drawn when you are doing anything you wouldn't want your spouse to find out about, unless it's something like hiding his xmas present or something.

[cileag]

I don't see any issue with lusting after the Delicious DVD Dude at all. However, I will say that each relationship has to set its own boundaries, and if he really is uncomfortable with it, then that's a valid point to bring up to his wife. I don't see a lot of difference between this and porn for example, which is another thing that people are very divided about, but ultimately, I think, just has be navigated by the individuals in the relationship.

[P&P]

"As long as no one enters a trance while doing so?

I dunno, maybe the trance is OK too."

Nah, trances are bad. I have an ex who would become rapidly entranced by an attractive woman on tv or walking down the street or even in a picture. His excuse was that he was "visually driven." What it really came down to was that he was always looking for the next thing to come along.

As long as it's more of an "eh, he/she is attractive, but hey, it's just a bit of eye candy," it's okay but as soon as it goes into "huh, yeah, um, wow" territory, you're in trouble.

[hedra]

my favorite version of this - ep admitting that he was oogling this hot chick in boots walking past our house (we're in a college town, between dorms and classes, much young eye candy passes by), and then realized that it was me. I was out checking on the garden.

We tend to compare notes, on the passersby eye candy thing. I think we're fine. It's the stuff that is hidden, not open, that for me is a risk scenario. If I hid my yoga tapes (like I have any - mine are all bellydance) that'd be a sign I was feeling guilty about the issue, and that's a sign of problems. No guilt, open communication, a little sharing of opinions, all part of flirting with one's spouse, IMHO.

[the milliner]

"...watching too many episodes of Good Eats." Bawhahahaha! Better watch DH. I think he has a man-crush on Alton.

Totally agree with your assessment Moxie. And also agree with the note by one poster that if it's out in the open (i.e. you joke about it / discuss it), and the conversation is comfortable, chances are things are on the up and up.

Other than Alton, Laura Calder from French Food at Home (cooking show here in Canada), Amanda Plummer and Cate Blanchett do it for DH (he's got some weird fascination with kooky women (except for CB)...which, yeah, I don't want to know how that relates to me).

For me, hands down, it's Hugh Jackman as Wolverine. Brooding, sideburn-wielding, manly, begrudging superhero...what more could a girl want?!

[ada]

I TOTALLY agree with Hedra. Its the crushes that are hidden that are dangerous.

I've been with my DH for 13+ years. I've had plenty of crushes that I've gladly shared with him, and vice versa. But once, about five years ago, I developed a crush on a co-worker. It was a big crush, red flags all over it. There were several weeks of flirtation. I started to feel really guitly because this was serious flirting, not just harmelss flirting. So I bucked up and told my husband about it. "Honey, the new guy in the mail room is SO cute! I think I have a new crush." And luckily for me, that was it. The crush sort of dissolved. Plus I was smart and stopped going into the mail room.

[Rbelle]

Forget eye candy, what about ear candy? My husband acts more pretend jealous because I absolutely love listening to two of the hosts from NPRs Marketplace programs than he ever has about me liking particular tv or movie stars. It cracks me up, because to me, listening to a pleasant voice on the raido is just relaxing (and informative!), nothing remotely sexual about it. But he'll tease me about turning up the radio to hear my "boyfriend" all the time. Then again, I've also had him accuse me of having an affair with a book I was reading when I was more interested in finishing the story than interacting with him, so maybe it's an attention issue.

[meggiemoo]

Both my DH and I truly appreciate beauty, in all its forms. I admire beautiful women as much as beautiful men. I think Hedra hit it on the head when she said it's the openness (or lack there of) that's the issue. I dated someone who ogled when he thought my back was turned, and that's a *completely* different feeling.

I may not be as beautiful as some women out there, but I know that I'm the best person for my DH, and that I know how to make him laugh like no one else. And vice versa. So we have no problem with noticing others.

If I were the person who asked the original question, I'd be much more concerned if my spouse became very close to someone he/she came into contact with on a daily basis. No one has an affair with the dude on the yoga tape.

P.S. Patrick Dempsey is soo not hot to me. I can only ever picture him riding that lawnmower with that ridiculous hair. But Viggo, yes, Hugh Jackman, yummy.

[Chris]

@anonforthis-Jeffrey Donovan=Yummy!! He is at the top of my list right now along with Steven Page of Barenaked Ladies and Nathan Fillion. I sort of dig the dorky vibe too! :) My hubby is totally into Allison Hannigan, Jenna Elfman and Drew Barrymore.

Doesn't bother either one of us-totally harmless.

[suzanna]

George Clooney!!!

[Shandra]

@Chris - Steven Page and Ed and I hung out once upon a time; one of my few claims to fame. :) Never got to kiss either of them for real though.

For the larger question I'm not into limiting anyone's inner life and neither is my husband, but I also have to admit that our relationship has its unusual aspects in that regard, so no clue what 'normal' looks like. As long as both parties agree, hey. :)

[mhati]

really? this what this discussion forum has come down to? I am really kind of embarrassed now that i send new moms to his site.

[nej]

@mhati - Amen! I'm hoping that this is a total anomaly. I've been pretty disappointed with the last few threads, especially when I recently sent in a desperate plea for help and it has gone unanswered. I assume that all the mothers out there have not all by some miracle of the heavens found themselves without one. single. maternal. concern. and there are more important topics that need to be addressed. This is the kind of stuff I talk about with my neighbor because she's 25 and has no kids. Not really what I'm looking for on my personal savior of a forum.

That being said, I can't help myself - my DH loves telling people that I have a crush on Brian Williams from The Nightly News. Not a want-to-rip-you-apart kind of crush, but more like a want to sit across from the dinner table with you and admire your perfection kind of crush.

But I'm still upset that this is what we're talking about! There are so many more important things!!!

[Sherry]

Hmm. We have a male friend who openly ogles women in front of his wife, and I think it shows disrespect. All of us are smart enough to tell when it's okay and when it isn't.

[Jill]

Why isn't talking about what is healthy in an intimate relationship worthwhile? I love that these chats get intermingled with the parenting stuff.

George Clooney also gets my vote.

[hush]

@Jac - DH and I have a similar list! I agree with hedra -- it's the unspoken secrets that do the most harm to a relationship. Fantasy with good boundaries can be a wonderful thing! I'm thinking of course of Vampire Bill Compton from "True Blood."

@mhati - It seems painfully obvious... but perhaps this site is no longer a good fit for you? So now that you finally see how it is, you have a choice to either accept the status quo or move on.

@nej - Do tell what your urgent issue is. Some folks call that a thread hijack. And yes, we're aware that there are always "more important things" to discuss -- always have been, always will be -- but today's post is a prefect reminder that a healthy life is all about balance. ;)

[nej]

IMO it's like asking any one of the above mentioned hotty chefs to make you a grilled cheese sandwhich...a waste of resources.

[nej]

I didn't want to be "that" girl - the thread hijacker, but here it goes...

I want to know how other mothers reconcile their need for safety and whatnot with the way their husbands parent. I keep my mouth shut and am thankful that my husband is one of the "good" ones, but at the same time, when he's wrastling our 17 month old and it seems dangerous to me or when I look at the clock and it is well past bedtime and I can still hear them upstairs, or when I come home and the first thing out of my DH's mouth are "Everything's ok but..." (this was when Muppet rolled down a flight of concrete metal-edged stairs) or when his idea of watching him on a Sunday is taking him to the Steeler's bar and letting him throw things because it "kept him busy"...well, you get the point.

How do other mothers balance their parenting style with their husband's parenting style without micromanaging or "ruining" it for dad. Is it worth the undoing? For example, it took weeks to get Muppet to stop throwing everything he could get his hands on. Is it worth the good time he had at the bar with his dad and the Coors Light girls (a different topic altogether...eye roll.) Is it worth the bruises, cuts, scrapes and potential concussions to let boys be boys and to let dad feel like he's an equal?

Also, I'm curious to see the disparity between the fathers of daughters and the fathers of sons.

[anon]

The "borderline between [appreciation]... and inappropriateness", as the post asks, is when you turn another person into a sex object without their explicit (and in-person) consent. The drooling, whether from women or men (when it jumps from "so-and-so is pretty cute" to "omfg I would so hit that") is obnoxious because of that borderline.

[Jen L.]

My husband and I both LOVE Law and Order SVU. He loves Mariska Hargitay, I looooooooooove Chris Meloni. It's a win-win situation. :)

For what it's worth, I find topics like this refreshing. It provides what so many of us moms so desperately need: A break for ourselves to think about something other than breastfeeding woes or dirty diapers!

[mom2boys]

It's overcast and cloudy, with slight rain and a cold front moving in here. A perfect day to curl up on the couch with a good book or watch a movie by yourself that no one else in the family would want to watch with you. I can't remember the last time I had an afternoon like that. But I'm at home today. I was let go from my job yesterday. So in between answering ads and emailing my resume around, I'm reading blogs and today on Ask Moxie it was a fluff topic. There are really serious topics of conversation available for discussion everyday and some days it's fun to avoid them altogether. Not everybody is always on the same schedule though, so a laid back day for one might be a really intense - need to connect on a deeper level for someone else.

NEJ- share your question. someone here is likely to have gone through or is going through the same thing and would gladly offer advice, support or sympathy even off-topic.

[Katie B.]

Sexuality is part of parenting - both modeling it for our children, as well as that generally speaking that's how we become parents in the first place (there are of course exceptions - adoption being one of them). Besides, this is timely for me!

I recently found out that a college friend whom I have possessed lustful feelings for for pretty much the whole of our acquaintance (so did everyone else, she's OMG hot, so I'm not at all bothered by that part) makes sex movies. I'm a little bothered that I can now enjoy her in this vicarious fashion... but not so much that it will stop me enjoying her work! Besides, I'm pretty sure DH will happily join me. ;) So yes, I know the artist in question... and it doesn't help that she's an amazingly sweet, smart person... but I know in actual fact that I'd never have gone there in reality anyway, so a little extra-spicy fantasy is just something to make a few nights a little steamier. :)

Is there a line for Viggo? Or are we just going to mob him?

[lucy]

Clive Owen and James McAvoy are my candy and I would have to say sometimes my marital aides. My partner knows this and is all for it...and our relationship is not all its cracked up to be with a one year old in the house. Fantasy can be a great help to a relationship. It can get out of hand yes, but its up to the individual to stay on top of this. Similarly its just as dangerous to be possessive and jealous of your lovers' fantasies or choice of eye candy. Repression breeds nasty things...so keep to the celluloid screen and enjoy. Its part of a healthy sexuality and a healthy partnership.

[Michelle]

@nej: I think that dealing with the differences is sort like parenting, you have to sort of pick your battles.

I mean accidents can happen to either parent so I generally don't hold that against my husband even if the accident occured because he was doing something differently than I would have.

But spell out what issues are important to you and ask that these concerns/preferences be respected.

Dads often wrestle with their kiddos so I don't see a big issue with this even if I wouldn't do it myself. And a kid staying up 30 minutes past bedtime playing with daddy? Also not a big issue in my mind. But taking a 17 month old to a bar and allowing him to participate in throwing things, yeah that is not ok at all.

Now I realize whether I see it as a big issue or not is irrelevant but my point was more to pick the areas that really concern you and spell them out to your husband.

My husband took our 2 boys sledding on Sunday and what was supposed to be an hour or so turned into 4 hours! So our toddler missed his nap. Not at all how I would have done things but I made daddy deal with the cranky toddler when they got home and he went down for the night really early.

I think mothers often have a tendency to get a little control freak-ish; since obviously our way is the right way. But I think there is room for compromise and trying not to sweat the small stuff.

[ada]

I'm all about having a light hearted discussion every now and again! Its what life is about! We can go back to talking about sleep regressions and breast feeding problems (again) tomorrow.

[WireGryphon]

And here I thought I was the only one crushing on Alton Brown!

[Lisa]

Viggo, circa LOTR, mmm with a spoon.

@nej: Much to mull over (and say) on the partners and safety topic. (It goes both ways for us, with each person having different limits in different areas). But alas, a freelance deadline calls. I'll try to think more and check in later, for what it's worth...

[Cloud]

@nej- my hubby is less concerned about potentially risky things (like climbing on the big girl jungle gym, etc) than I am. On the flip side, he is more likely to want to use a time out to solve a problem like screaming at the dinner table (what is it with toddlers and ear-piercing screams?) whereas I am more likely to want to try ignoring or distracting. We try to discuss our comfort zones on these things at times OTHER than the heat of the parenting moment, so to speak. We don't always succeed, which leads to weird conversations where we try to present a united front while also arguing about our different opinions. But we do try. When I'm at my wifely/motherly best, I make a note of the thing that we disagree about, and try to bring it up in a non-confrontational way during a later conversation time (we do most of our talking on family walks on the weekend or over Friday night beers after we get Pumpkin to bed).

Also, I saw a study once that said it is good for kids' emotional health to have one parent who tends to be more protective and one who tends to be more permissive- that made us feel a lot better. I can't remember the details of the study now, though.

On the eye candy thing- hubby is a kiwi so we watch a lot of rugby. The backs are often quite good looking. The NZ #10 is an underwear model, and it shows.... Hubby teases me about my motivations for watching rugby with him, but neither of us worries much about this sort of thing.