Q&A: 18-month sleep regression redux

I got a question from Kelli a few weeks ago, and then an almost identical question from Kyo a couple of days ago, about the 18-month sleep regression.

If you all recall (and those of you with kids over the age of 18 months probably do), there's a big developmental spurt that happens right in the 18-21-month corridor, so many kids who've been fine sleepers suddenly stop sleeping (either at nighttime or for naps or both) around 18 months and it lasts for anywhere from a few weeks to a few months.

It completely and utterly bites, and parents can feel blindsided and insulted and very very angry about it.

So, what Kelli and Kyo were asking was what they should do about it. Their kids were waking up in the middle of the night either once or a bunch of times, and they were having varying degrees of success with getting them back to sleep using various methods. The big concern seemed to be whether they were setting themselves up for later problems if they did things like nurse the kids back to sleep or bring them into their beds or use other sleep crutches that they'd mostly gotten away from before the sleep regression happened*.

I think that, as usual, it depends on your kid. By the time your child is 18 months old, you've been through a few sleep regressions already. So think back to what happened when your child came out of the 4 month regression and 9-month regression: Did your child go back to sleeping the way s/he'd been sleeping before? (Some kids just go right back as if the regression had never happened.) Or did you need to ease your kid back into sleeping and wean off processes of getting to sleep that you'd used to hold down the fort during the regression? (Bitey Biterson, for sure.)

Whatever happened with those other regressions is probably going to happen with this one. If you've been reading me for any length of time, you know that I figure that people just sleep the way they sleep, and there's not much parents can do to change that. So the sooner you can figure out how your kid sleeps, the sooner you can figure out both what's realistic for you and how you should approach sleep issues.

The other thing to think about, though, is "Do you care?" I know that, for me, it didn't matter if I knew I'd have to spend a few weeks breaking a habit again as long as I could get some !@#$% sleep in the meantime. If that's the way you are, then who cares, and do whatever it takes to get you all the max amount of sleep at any given night.

But if it will kill you to have to undo something, and you're not so fried at this moment that you just need to sleep By Any Means Necessary, then take a little time to think about how you could replicate conditions that will help facilitate sleep without actually going back into the processes or crutches you don't want to use. Either that or schedule a solo vacation at a spa for a week and let someone else deal with it. (If only. Can you imagine?)

Anyone want to share any fond memories of the 18-month sleep regression?  I would, except I seem to have blocked out a whole lot of it. I can, however, remember standing over my older son's crib wondering how I'd morphed from awesome to completely incompetent in a matter of weeks. Parenting is hard.

* In general, I think sleep crutches of all sorts, from pacifiers to rocking to loveys, get a super-bad rap. No one has to bring their mom along to college to nurse them to sleep. And so what if you have to sleep with a white noise machine? If it bugs you when you're 30 you can break the habit your own self, and leave your poor parents out of it. So I'm only talking about breaking habits because some parents really want to get away from sleep crutches because they're adding more stress to their lives. If sleep crutches are working for you as a family, then party on with them for as long as they work, and then figure out the next thing.

Comments

[meggiemoo]

Words to live by: "It's not a problem if you dislike the solution more."

I have this taped to my computer monitor, probably put up around the time that I was going to hurl myself off of the nearest bridge due to my child's sleeping issues.

For me, the "problem" of nursing to sleep, or co-sleeping, or whatever else I had to do to get some sleep was far less egregious than forcing my kid to sleep (as if I could have ever done such a thing).

For those of you with poor sleepers at 18 months (or even 2 or 3 years old), there's hope! My now 3-year-old was one of the world's worst sleepers, and now tells us when he's sleepy, reliably goes to bed at 8 pm with just his lovey and the sound machine, and falls asleep within minutes.

[parisienne mais presque]

We are in the middle of this one, and have been since late December. July baby = 18 month sleep regression hit during the holidays, which was great fun. Le Petit had been reliably sleeping through the night since he was about a year old. So do I feel insulted? Incompetent? Check, check.

The problem for us is that the favorite sleep prop -- nursing back to sleep -- has mostly stopped working. That doesn't stop le Petit from REALLY REALLY wanting to nurse in the middle of the night. It just means that I have to choose between nursing a squirmy and stubbornly sleepless baby, or lying in the other room with my head stuffed under a pillow while my husband tries to coax the same baby, screaming and indignant, to sleep by singing and patting his back. Either way we can be up in the middle of the night for literally hours.

At the moment, my husband has way more patience than I do so I send him in most of the time. As a general rule, we try to take over for one another when the other one Just Can't Take It Anymore, and I am so grateful.

One thing I'd add to what Moxie said is to keep trying things, even those that never worked in the past. Le Petit was never interested in loveys when he was smaller, but now we're having some luck helping him learn to cuddle with a teddy bear. Singing and patting suddenly started to help a few months ago, too.

We have also noticed that le Petit, who has been in his own room since five months old, often gets more upset if we come try and help him too quickly. If we let him fuss for a good five minutes he often falls back asleep on his own.

And now for a strange 18-month sleep regression anecdote: the last two or three times le Petit woke up inconsolable, my husband eventually calmed him down by letting him walk around the apartment. Every time, le Petit ended his tour by walking into the living room, pointing outside at the apartment building across the street, and babbling a long monologue in his own language.

We have no idea what he was trying to tell us. Maybe "Hey, Mom, Dad, I hear there's a great coffee shop over there, open 24 hours, why don't we all check it out sometime?" Not that such things exist in Paris, but anyway...

[cb]

Thank you for that, meggiemoo.
My daughter is almost two. I nurse her to sleep and she comes to our bed and nurses back to sleep anywhere 2+ times per night.
Right before Christmas, she slept in her bed until 5AM for a few nights one week. Then, it all stopped. I've been waiting for it to happen again.
We have a bedtime ritual and regular bed time. She has a great nap almost everyday (2 - 3 hours). But there's still that voice inside saying I should be doing something else to make her sleep. Even though I have no idea what it would be. I have to be constantly reassured. That's why I love this blog (and this month's issue of Mothering had reassuring articles about sleep).
Thanks.

[cagey]

Since my name is also Kelli, I had bit of a start when my saw my name - as in "hey, did I ask that? Have I been drinking n' emailing again? Heh.

I would say the first 2-3 years involves all sorts of sleep regressions. Poor kids - they are going through so much in those first few years - new teeth, shots, illness plus growing mentally AND physically. In general, we have a Whatever It Takes approach to sleeping. We primarily co-sleep and that is what works. We ALL are sleeping and have had very few nights of no sleep.

I am not saying everyone should co-sleep, but I wish parents would feel less guilty about doing whatever they feel is best for their child. And I wholeheartedly agree, I wish nursing to sleep, rocking, walking pacifiers and comfort objects would get less of a bad rap, too.

I know that as an adult, I sleep best if I can read in bed for 15-30 minutes. If my child needs something to calm him/her down, what is the harm in that?

[kristen]

A sleep regression might imply that there was sleep to begin with. My 18 month old slept thru the night from 1 month to 4 months and hasn't since. We finally gave up fighting it and just would bring him to our bed when he first woke up at night. Hubby didn't particularly like it because he could sleep as well but he didn't dislike it enough to get up and help so....

We just moved Tike into a twin bed and it is working out much better for us. We do the normal bedtime routine (bath, pjs, brush teeth) then cuddles and stories in bed and lights out (instead of rocking for 45 min. just to have him wake upon touching the crib). I lay down with him until he is asleep and then go about my evening. He does still use pacifiers but I think I'm going to try weaning him off of those soon.

He is much easier to get to sleep this way and is staying asleep longer than before. When he wakes at night I go back in and either stay until he is asleep or just stay the rest of the night (depends on how tired I am and what time it is). One thing that seems to be helping is touching him as little as possible while getting him to sleep. If he falls asleep all snuggled up he usually wakes up easier when I leave than if he falls asleep with just a hand on his back.

I am longing for a time when he will sleep all night but no longer stressing over it. We have morphed into a "whatever works" family and really haven't seen lasting problems, yet.

[caramama]

This post is the epitome of why I love you, Moxie! You said exactly how I feel about the situation, how I think everyone has to find what works for them, and you've even explained why I do what works for us!

That said, we've just (mostly) come out of the 18-22 regression. My daughter is very physically capable, so we did a few things that probably aren't a good idea for everyone, but I'll share them.

First some background. The Pumpkin has hardly ever been a good sleeper and always takes months to go through the regressions, so there is never an easy fix for us. Prior to the 18-month regression (and into the beginning), what had been working was for one of us (hubby and I would take turns) to get her out of the crib when she was crying for us (she's always been a tension increaser) and cosleep with her in the twin bed in the nursery for the rest of the night. She usually slept much better and generally through the rest of the night without crying once we were cosleeping.

As the sleep regression started getting her up earlier and earlier in the night (as early as 10:30, which was about an hour after she feel asleep), we decided to try just moving her out of the crib and into the twin bed, since she seemed to sleep better there. Our transition went smoothly, but we knew the sleep regression wasn't going to be over for another few months (much to my husband's horror when I warned him... and warned him... and warned him).

Due to a door that wouldn't shut all the way on vacation, I discovered that the Pumpkin would get out of bed, open the door and come find me on her own when she woke up and needed to be with me. She did this without crying, which was such a relief to me.

So at home, we started shutting her door almost all the way, but not clicking it so she could push it open. Every night, we make sure that the babygates to the stairs are secured and the doors to rooms she shouldn't be in are closed tight. Now, she wakes up, pushes open her door, comes down the hall and climbs into bed with us.

There were still rough nights, but a lot less nights where we actually had to get out of bed.

Just 2 weeks ago, the regression seemed to end, and she slept through the night in her own bed a few nights. The other nights, she came into our bed and fell right back asleep. It was a beautiful week and a half. However, she's going through something the last few nights--but this seems pretty normal for her at this point.

Overall, these things worked for us because we just need to get some *&%$ing sleep (especially me because I'm exhausted from being pregnant and it being winter with my Seasonal Affective Disorder). Hubby and I are fine (and even enjoy) cosleeping with her, especially when she just goes right back to sleep and sleeps well. We actually prefer her coming into our bed because it is much more comfortable for us and we don't have to get out of bed. Also, we don't mind if she continues coming into our bed for years to come, so it's not something we are worried about having to force a change.

I hope that helps someone! If nothing else, hopefully it gets people thinking outside the box of the child sleeping in a crib all night. There are other options if you think your child might be ready.

[caramama]

Oh yeah, and singing has really helped her calm down when she's upset in the middle of the night and going to sleep. But I'm not going to get into what it takes to get her to sleep these days. That deserves a whole other long write up that I'll probably post on my blog.

I will say that we do still use bottles to get her to calm down at night while lying in her bed and to fall asleep for her naps. My child really seems to still need it, so we do it. She'll be ready to stop one day, but she's not now.

[Ann]

What if your 17-month-old is (and always has been) a crappy sleeper and you're still up with him 3-4 times/night? It's like Opposites Day, right, so he'll magically sleep well for a few months during the sleep regression?

Right?

Please?

[DiWriter]

I'm so glad someone brought this up again -- we've been dealing with it off and on for the last month or so. Most days she's OK, but there have been more 5:30 wakeups and more of the waking in the middle of the night to talk to the toys and yell such entertaining things as "YAY! Doggie doggie!, Mama-mama-mama..." which manage to wake me up in a cold sweat, but somehow the Husband can snore right through...of course, he also wears earplugs to bed.

[kristen]

I agree with cagey about giving co-sleeping a try. I swore I would never allow my children in our bed. Professed it loud and clear. Until that fateful night when Tike wouldn't sleep except in my arms and I thought what if I just hold him in my arms while I'm laying down and then maybe, maybe I could get just a few minutes sleep...

It worked. He slept. I slept. We haven't looked back. We have a modified version of cosleeping I mentioned in my other comment and we have had some awful nights of squirming, restlessness and not wanting to go back to sleep, but overall we have all been blessed with much more sleep than if either of us had been "up" with him.

[yasmara]

We encouraged fairly rigid sleep rituals/loveys with our two boys, including tucking in with "special blanket" & sleepy bunny, turning on fan/white noise, etc. It might make it more difficult to travel or sleep on the go (although you can find a cheap fan almost anywhere & we just throw in some cheap nighlights in our suitcases & bring blankets/bunnies on the plane in the carry-on) but it seems to help them to realize that Now It Is Sleeping Time.

Someone above mentioned walking around the apartment during particularly hideous night-wakings. We've actually had some success with that too in the past when nothing else would stop the cycle of crying. Quietly walking around and pointing out that it's dark outside, that your brother is sleeping, that all the lights are off...somehow it seeps in (even when they are really little) that no one else is up playing or having fun and that it's OK to go back to sleep.

Even with all of that, to finally get a sleep breakthrough with our youngest when he was 15 months old I had to leave for the weekend with my older son while my husband sat through the younger's crying. Even if it was tension-releasing for him, it was tension-creating for me and I would be unable to fall asleep even after he had gone back to sleep, setting up a really terrible cycle. After two nights, my husband was able to break the bad sleep cycle for Younger and it's never been as awful again.

That said, both of our boys do wake up at night still at barely-2 and almost-4. Sometimes they put themselves back to sleep, sometimes they need a parental visit to resettle them, get a drink of water, etc. and sometimes we still have nights when one or both of them wakes up multiple times. Luckily those are fewer and fewer but I have a feeling that this is just how they sleep. After all, I still wake up multiple times a night as an adult, usually falling back asleep quickly but sometimes struggling with insomnia (which seems to be a problem for most of the women in my family).

[Nutmeg]

@Ann... I kind of have to say... I feel like That is what we've been having go on here. At 18 months we went from 90% of nights with 3-4 wakings a night (sometimes taking >45 minutes and a lot of screaming to get him to go back to sleep). At 18 months, we moved him into a bed (a great decision, actually because now he need not wake himself up all the way by starting to cry, he just comes in, we usher him back to his bed and he goes to sleep (usually) much more easily because he never gets worked up.

At 18 months, he actually went through a couple of months of waking up once (very occasionally twice) a night. That lasted for several months and now from about 23-25 months (where we are now) he is up 4 times a night and being really difficult to get back to sleep. He's getting his incisors and that probably really sucks for him.

There is a little blessing, in some ways, in a kid that has always been a terrible sleeper... we have never been shocked by a sleep regression!

Anyway, if your biggest problem is the length of time it takes to get the child back to sleep, then perhaps a bed would help. In our case, it did make a big difference.

[laura]

I tried to (laugh with me!) NIGHT WEAN during the 21-month growth spurt because suddenly she was waking up 3-4 times per night again. I figured that she wasn't going to be sleeping well anyway, why not combine the sleep regression with the angst of night weaning?

Ha. Ha. Ha.

What a nightmare!

After a couple weeks of that silliness, I finally just nursed her again, and in two days she was both finished with the regression AND AND!!!! AND she started sleeping through the night FOR THE FIRST TIME IN HER LIFE. Wooooo!

Of course, then we moved across the country and it took her 8 weeks to start doing that again, and after two blissful no-wakeup nights, she caught a cold and that brings us to now - a 3:30am wakeup. *sigh*

[Jen]

I think we managed to avoid this at night because we'd just -- at 17 months -- let her cry it out. After 2 or 3 nights, we got our first full night of sleep ever. She was happy, I was thrilled. I had sworn I'd never do it, and I'm glad we waited until she was older, but it was our saving grace. She goes to bed happily at 7 or 8pm after nursing, snuggling up with her teddy, elephant, pillow, and blanket (can you tell we tried lovies? :) ).

But we did get a regression at 19 months -- she gave up her nap. It was so frustrating, because it took well over a year to get her to crib nap, and she stopped!

We finally stopped fighting it after about a month. We just put her to bed earlier and enjoyed our ability to be out all day. Some days she really needs a nap, so my husband takes her in the jogging stroller. But most days, she just goes from 7am to 7pm -- happily.

Of course, just as we got used to that, she asked for a crib nap the other day! And she slept for 90 minutes without a peep. Nothing doing the next day, though. Figures. Kids are predictably unpredictable.

[Laura]

I have to admit (my kid is now 14 months old) that I've never seen any evidence of these periodic sleep regressions in him. He's always been a crappy sleeper. Sometimes he's a bit less crappy, sometimes a bit more. I think he's been in a permanent regression since birth, and it will probably end ca. age 12.

[Helen]

My crappy sleeper started sleeping better after the "regression." And then I started very slow and gentle nightweaning and finally had progress, as she seemed to have made the cognitive leap to understand some delayed gratification. We always co-slept and nursed to sleep, so regressions weren't a huge deal to manage. The day time behavior that goes along with a developmental leap was far more annoying to me! 18-20 months was like zomg who is this kid/can I get a refund! A real test of the gentle discipline ideals.

Oh. She was ready to move to a toddler bed at 21 months, so all in all, that period ended with big strides ahead. Just hang in there, and don't worry about "ruining" anything by getting the most sleep for the most people in the house. The other side of that period is a whole new ballgame in terms of what they can understand and do on their own.

[Amy M]

I'll add our experience since it is pretty clear in my head since it was just a few months ago. DD will be 2 in 2 weeks.

We had 2 regression phases. The first hit right at 18 months. Bedtime went from being easy-peasy (pjs, teeth, books, kiss, bed, quiet) to a 60-90 rocking fest. It was like bedtime separation anxiety and DD did NOT want us to leave the room. We had to rock her until she was asleep or nearly asleep and letting her cry for a few minutes (previously necessary if she was overtired) just made it worse. That lasted about 2 weeks. And when it was over she started saying 2-3 new words *every day*.

And then the overnight, sporadic waking started again. At first it was just 1-2 nights a week, and at its worst it was 5-6 nights a week. We just brought her to bed with us when she woke up in the middle of the night and she coslept until morning. Some nights we all slept great and some nights she was a restless kicker. But we figured that if she was restless in our bed she would be prone to waking more times in her own crib, so we might as well be getting not great sleep in our bed rather than being woken up by cries every hour and having to get *out* of bed.

Just about the time we were severely doubting our decision to let her cosleep overnight the waking started to decrease again. And a night of good sleep helped to strengthen our resolve that we were doing the right thing for us.

In our case, the waking has decreased substantially (now it's 1-2 nights a week and I'm 90% sure she's teething molars) and we haven't had to "fix" anything. If she doesn't wake up, she stays in her crib all night and we're all happy.

Oh, and now that sleep is back to normal she's regularly speaking in 4-5 words sentences. Her brain has been working hard!

[paola]

18-21 months you say???? My daughter has only come out of that sleep regression and turned 2, 2 weeks ago. About 2 days after her second birthday there was an over night improvement in her sleep, from waking 3 to 4 times a night, wailing every time I put her down, and serious, I mean serious, seperation anxiety, to sleeping 13 hours in a row the first 2 nights out of the regression and now consistently pulling 10/11 hour nights. I don't want to get cocky as I know this will not go on for ever, but at least I know these regressions are only phases (albeit, sometimes damn long ones) which pass eventually (although, I seriously thought I would never see her sleep 10 hours in a row again)

[hedra]

@Ann, some kids do kind of hold the current pattern until whatever regression is their tipping point. Non-sleeper-through-all-stages may start sleeping at 11 months, or 15, or 18, or 22, if that's the stage where their brain grows in the way that it needs to in order to facilitate sleep.

That said, my worst sleeper didn't sleep through reliably until he had pediatric chiropractic, at (ulp) four YEARS old. Mr G had never slept well - very active sleeper, sweaty at night on a regular basis, and prone to snoring (usually quietly, but still snoring). These are all signs of apnea or other sleep disruption that may have a physical cause. So if you have miserable-sleeper with a lot of night kicking, squirming, rolling, pushing, and sweating or snoring (though sometimes you just get the activity), look for a health cause as well. It could be reflux, or sinus issues, environmental allergy, dietary intolerance (dairy is a huge sleep disrupter, good study out of Johns Hopkins on sleep disruption with preemies exposed to milk protiens through breastmilk or formula), etc. It can even be simple comfort issues - room temperature or the type of clothing used for sleep can make a HUGE difference.

With Mr G, we had to drop the room temp to quite cold for him to be able to sleep at all. I think we did a dozen different things to improve general sleep pattern around this age - colder room, white noise, air filter for allergens, yadda yadda yadda - and they all helped a little (the room temp helped a LOT, but still left us with at least two wakings a night, often four - yeah, he was a six+/night kid on a regular basis). It wasn't until he was four and his preschool teacher noted that he didn't play at recess, but sat and watched the other kids play, that all my alarms went off for serious. I tried chiropractic with my fingers crossed, never having gone that route before, and HOLY MOLY, if that wasn't the problem for him - granted, his neck was so severely torqued that I could see it with the naked eye on x-ray, and was shocked that I had never noticed just looking at him - but he tended to hold it straight, intentionally - it was only when he closed his eyes that his head would drift to one side and turn. Two weeks later, he was sleeping through the night, no snoring, no more falling out of bed or being found at the far end of the bed or crosswise, no sweating, better mood (though he'd always been sunny, he was now even more so), not tired in the morning at school, and PLAYING on the playground. WOO! We didn't tell the teachers what we were doing, and they asked on their own - huge difference. So... whether the answer is chiropractic or cranial-sacral or diet or something else entirely, just worth considering whether there's an underlying health/comfort issue. It certainly sucked to realize that 'normal' for Mr G was 'too uncomfortable to sleep'. Yeah, not my shining moment as a parent, letting that ride for four years (I know, I didn't know anything else, how could I have spotted it?) Anyway, passing my hard lesson on, just in case it saves someone else some misery.

And of course, it could still just be a normal pattern waiting for the right brain development to shift...

[End of tether]

Can the 18 month sleep regression start at 16 months? Today I am at the end of my tether. Between my darling husband and my 16 month old, I got woken up every 2 hours last night. I'm 7 months pregnant and I cannot exist on this amount of sleep.

Little Miss has always been a very poor sleeper. She goes down into her cot asleep after her bedtime routine and bottle. She usually wakes up and cries at about 10pm (we've checked, there's no noise waking her that we can hear). She's a tension increaser and becomes hysterical/inconsolable within a few cries. CIO is not an option for us.

We then bring her into bed with us. She used to co-sleep quite happily and we were quite content with it, but these days she continually pulls my hair, kicks me, headbutts me, pokes me in the face and if she sleeps, she ends up lying across-ways and pushes me out of bed. If I am there she won't go to my husband. In desperation I now go to the spare room if she starts this kind of behaviour, or else I am going to loose my temper and smack her one of these nights. I really don't believe in smacking, but after 3 and a half hours of being hurt by her (no exaggeration), my temper hangs on a thread.

She has been getting a bottle during the night (she used to take it and go straight back to sleep) but as this no longer works and she doesn't really need it we are watering down the milk in the hope that she will think its not worth waking up for.
We're changing her over from babygro's to pjs, 'cos she seems to sleep better in them, and we're going to get her a duvet in the hope that she'll sleep better with that than with a sleepysac and blankets.

We can't actually think of anything else beyond these measures, apart from CIO, which really doesn't work for our little girl. She is a bright, wonderful girl but pretty intense and very determined. Any ideas would be welcome. In desperation tonight, I am going to bed in the spare room at 8pm and letting husband and Little Miss get on with it, as there is no way I can cope tomorrow without a few hours sleep.
Sorry for the long moan - can you tell that the sleep deprivation is really getting to me? Will be reading the posts with interest.

[Jo-Ann]

When the 18 month sleep regression and working nights was kicking my ass I posted this quote from you fair Moxie in the middle of my computer screen, "Your kid may have a serious, mind-blowingly awful sleep regression at around 18 months. It's not your fault, and it will pass."

It REALLY helped.

[obabe]

I don't have much to add, since (thankfully) we havent had tons of sleep issues (or, ive blocked them out of my mind!!)

but all this talk of lovies reminds me of an email i got yesterday from the comfort silkie people - they need more business! my oldest son got one as a gift when he was a baby and still has it at age 5.5, even though its seperated on 3 out of 4 sides and is see through, its been through so many washings!!! obivously, he loves it. so if anyone needs a lovey, order one of theirs.

[kristen]

@ End of thether, Hugs first :) I wish I had good advice for you on this one. I have been there, not with the pregnancy on top of it, but a very active to put it nicely baby in between me and a loud snorer husband. There have been nights where I had to get up and take a "time out" to control my temper.

Some how when I am at my most desperate, end of the line, try anything moments, Tike magically gets better. Usually the night after I break down and start calling/emailing desperate for help, he will sleep all night. It doesn't last long but it is enough to regain my perspective.

I hope tonight gives you some rest.

[suzanna]

I've stopped paying a lot of attention to how my now 22-month twins sleep, but I do remember things IMPROVING around 18 months. I decided to night-wean one of them (the other had already done it) at that time, and MY sleep has been a lot better since. It was tough for a few weeks, but after that, my husband could finally take an equal part in the nighttime duties, and we take turns being 'on call' which means I get nearly whole nights of sleep. Now we're running into the problem that the boys have definite preferences for which parent they want, so taking turns doesn't work so well, but still, sleep is better for me now than it's been since they were born.

[Tamar]

I'm totally behind the Any Means Necessary approach, but the thing is, we're still looking for the necessary means. Maybe there be an "I'm Doing Everything Including Nothing But Am Still Getting No Sleep" post for parents of toddler sleepers so bad that sleep regressions are simply not discernible?!

(Also, please tell me I'm not the only one who has never found nursing in bed all that comfortable? It beats sitting up, but I'm hardly ever able to fall asleep while breastfeeding. I want to be one of those people who gets rhapsodic about just rolling over and going back to sleep.)

[Cloud]

Pumpkin is almost 22 months old now. I think we're done with the regression and just back to our usual not so great sleep. She has slept through the night 3 times in her entire night. Right now, she's up 1-2x/night most nights- for a while it was always 2 and OH! so hard to get her back down (she nurses, but has never nursed to sleep, really), and now it is easing back to usually being 1. In our past regressions, we would often have to sleep with Pumpkin for the last stretch in the night, and she always stopped needing that once the regression was done. So this time, we just started bringing her into bed. I'm not sure she's going to stop wanting that, but I think I've figured out how not to care. Two things helped:

1. I rock her pretty much back to sleep (or at least to pretty darn sleepy) before I bring her into bed. If I don't do this, she spends what seems like an eternity (but is probably only 5-10 minutes) thrashing about, pulling my hair, etc. and I end up grumpy and awake.

2. She likes to touch my hair. I was letting her do this while facing her or lying on my back, and that was leading to hair pulling and grumpy, awake Mommy. One night, I rolled over in frustration and turned my back to her. Ta Da! Everyone sleeps! My hair is easier to get to in the back.

And I have to share what happened just last night. We are starting to nightwean again- we mostly did this at about 10 months, but could never get rid of the last feeding. Our current rule is that if she wakes up before 2, she doesn't get nursed. The first three nights we had this rule in place, she slept past 2, so no drama. Last night, she woke up at 12:30. Hubby went in. Screaming ensued. Finally, after about 20 minutes of off and on screaming I went in, thinking I'd nurse or whatever but just let me go back to sleep! I held her, she whimpered "boppy" (her word for nursing) a few times, and she fell back to sleep. I brought her into bed with us, and she slept the rest of the night through, and didn't even want to nurse first thing in the morning. So maybe she's just been waking up to get company for the last few months??? Who knows. We were never cosleepers, but it looks like we're heading that way, at least for the bit after she wakes up. Why fight it and not sleep when we can give in and sleep?

[Tamar]

(Whoops, that wasn't supposed to be some kind of Middle English-y literary subjunctive, I meant to write "maybe there could be.")

[lucy]

I am with Moxie The idea that we have to punish babies to sleep by denying them the things that comfort them is medieval. Pacifiers, boobs, lovies, teddies, wave music...whatever gets you through the night. I am in the middle of the 15 month regression and molar teething, and it is driving us both up the wall. But we have our stinky rabbit and we have our pacifier and thank god for them both! ...and my boobs as well. Denying them does not encourage better sleep. These regressions are normal and unfortunately inevitable. Sharing the load with the spouse/partner helps a lot. Having a grandparent come and take over morning breakfast so the parents can sleep in is also great...the only way out is through!

[Cloud]

@End of tether- how do you feel about drugs? Seriously, when we're in a particularly bad sleep place with Pumpkin, I sometimes get so stressed by the whole situation that I can't sleep even when she is asleep. So I resort to benadryl (diphenhydramine, in case it goes by a different brand name in your locale). I actually take tylenol PM, but the sleep inducing agent is the same. It is safe during pregnancy and breastfeeding- my ob/gyn recommended it when I was complaining about having to get up every 5 minutes to pee. He said it would give me about 5 hours of solid sleep, and he was right.

If you're breastfeeding, check that your kid doesn't have an atypical reaction to benadryl first- a small percentage of kids get wired instead of sleepy. For that matter, check that you don't have an atypical reaction!

For us, it works great. I take my pill right before bed, go to bed stupidly early, and get a solid stretch of sleep. Hubby is in charge of first response to Pumpkin if she wakes up that night. He brings her to me if she needs to nurse.

I don't do this often, but it has been a life-saver for the times when Pumpkin's sleep was really bad.

[caramama]

@End of tether - In addition to my being pregnant, this is also a very tough time of year for me. When we have nights like you describe (and we've had MANY), my husband now gets out of bed and cosleeps with our girl in her room. If she doesn't even see me and it's not our bed where she's expecting me, then she does better with him. In fact, he's had two really tough nights in a row. Fortunately it's he who insists on taking the really tough nights because of my situation.

For you, I suggest maybe having your husband take your child into the spare room and cosleep in there, while you get to remain in your bed and sleep. Yes, it's harder on him. But you are hard at work making a baby.

Also, in order to ease things for him, I've been doing almost all of the putting her to bed. This is a very difficult task that takes close to 2 hours these days, but one I'm still able to handle at this stage of my pregnancy. I probably do it 5-6 nights a week. And if he's had rough nights, he can go to bed early while I put her to bed.

So if your husband does take on the rough nights while you are pregnant, maybe there is something you can do that he usually does or that you share to ease his childcare duties in other ways.

Good luck! It really is rough, but it is just a phase. It will get better. Even the worst sleepers will eventually go to sleep on their own and sleep through the night (or so I've been told)!

If you have any further questions for me on this subject or others, feel free to email me (caramamamia at gmail dot com).

[Charisse]

Oh, I remember! At 17 months, Mouse was sleeping through with one quick nursing session around 5AM. At 18 months, we moved her to a new daycare...and the weekend before that started I stuck my finger in her mouth and discovered 4 teething bumps for 4 molars. She had been decreasing nursing, I'd been planning to wean soon, and our best solution basically involved forgetting all about that until she was through the next 2 or 3 months...then at 21 months she got really sick (RSV requiring hospitalization followed by rotavirus a couple weeks later)...and then suddenly things got better--much better than they had been before the illnesses in fact. We came out of that tunnel about 22 1/2 months I think, and she started sleeping all the way through, eating a much bigger variety of food than she had been, and generally behaving like a bigger kid.

So there's another data point in the "plough on through and do what you have to" column--hugs to anybody still going through it!

[caramama]

And I completely agree with Cloud, who suggested that I try the tylenol PM (or benedryl equivalent). I'm too nervous to take it on nights when I am cosleeping with the Pumpkin, but I have definitely taken it while pregnant and it has really helped.

@Cloud - I also discovered that laying with my back to the Pumpkin gave her better access to my hair, which lead to less pulling and uncomfort for me. It's really a great trick for those of us with kids who are obsessed with our hair.

[ML]

@Tamar: Glad to hear I'm not the only bfing mom who never thought breastfeeding lying down was ever comfortable!

[Ladre]

Hmmm...this makes me wonder if the plan to move the 14-month old out of our room in the next few days and into the bedroom with his 33 month old brother is a terrible idea. Both are pretty much sleeping through the night and it's like a friggin' miracle. I'll probably cry if we back-slide, but it sounds almost inevitable. I think I'll just cross my fingers, hope for the best...and keep the empty pack 'n play in our room for awhile, just in case.

As for advice: we've tried everything and what worked for us in the past was a combination of cuddling, rocking, nursing to sleep with a dash of I-know-you're-100%-okay-so-you-need-to-CIO-for-a-few-minutes if they do wake up in the night. Best of luck! It really will pass but until it does: try and get some help so you can sleep too. You *have* to take care of yourselves as well.

[sherry]

You know what makes me crazy? When people have that quote about "drink coffee; you can sleep when you're dead" at the bottom of their emails. Obviously, those people are getting plenty of sleep.

Yes, at 21 months, my girl has had several phases of night-wakings, lasting about a week each. She will usually fall back asleep with some milk, some walking around, and sometimes, some crying. She will usually put her head on my shoulder if I tell her to, and then she'll get sleepy pretty quickly. I really shouldn't complain. She's a very good sleeper overall.

[Cloud]

Can you tell I think a lot about sleep?

I have one more tip, discovered by my Hubby:

Sometimes we have to tell Pumpkin to close her eyes. If she is not screaming or anything, but is not going to sleep, it is sometimes very helpful to just say "Close your eyes. Go to sleep." Its like she forgets she needs to close them.

@caramama- if someone could explain why Pumpkin is so obsessed with hair, I'd be very happy. We can't get her attached to any lovey or stuffed animals- she says "No! 'Way!" and tosses them away. She looooves my hair though. I have thought half-seriously about getting a short cut and having the hairstylist give me a ponytail of my hair....

[caramama]

@Cloud - My girl is the same way! Forget lovies, she just wants my hair. And I've also half-seriously considered getting a ponytail of cut off. But what if it needs to be attached to be "right" for her? The HORROR! I had a nightmare once that I did get my hair cut about chin length, and my girl flipped out cause she couldn't reach it!

[Cathy]

@Cloud - La, one night when she was resolutely not sleeping, she complained that her eyes were dry - I told her to rest her eyes (by closing them) to make them feel better. Since then, when she decides that she's ready to settle down and go to sleep she tells me, "I'm going to rest my eyes now." Which, my husband thinks is hilarious. She's 6 now and she goes to sleep pretty well, most of the time. I still keep her company, but it lasts 10-15 minutes, not 2 hours (like when she was 2 or 3).

Oh - and if you have to keep someone company while they're falling asleep, laying with your back to them is helpful because it's not as distracting - La would keep her eye on me, and then it would turn into a staring contest and still no sleep.

[Auburn]

given that my kid never recovered from the 4 month sleep regression (he's 13 months now and has slept longer than 4 hours straight exactly twice in the last 9 months-the day he learned to crawl and the last time he got his shots)I just pray it can't get any worse at 18 months. Please tell me it can't get any worse!

[mom2boys]

Anyone dealing with babies that are crying but still sleeping and won't wake up to be comforted? He's been sleeping relatively well for the last month or so. He's 16 months now but the past couple of nights he's started crying out. Last night he was crying and not settling himself back to sleep so I went in to rock him back down and I swear me being there made it worse. He became hysterical, pushing against me and fighting me but when I put him back in his crib, he cried louder. It was awful and I don't think he ever woke up. He finally seemed to just wear himself out and let me hold him until he fell into a deep enough sleep for me to put him back down. I really don't want to go through that again.

[Katie B.]

@Tamar - I can't sleep while nursing in bed, and some nights, especially lately, it takes me a loooong time to get back to sleep. Of course, I also have SAD, verging this year on PPD, and we're coping with the beginning of the 8-month regression, so sleep is both precious and hard to get right now, and I'm refusing to feel guilty about sleeping late (I'm SAH, so I can).

[caramama]

@mom2boys - That sounds like what I've read about night terrors. You may want to do some research on those. I forget what my research said to do, mainly because I quickly realized that was not what my daughter has.

[Sarah]

Moxie - this was a supremely great post! You reminded me (oh, yeah, and it was timely too!) just what I needed to do and gave me that we're-all-in-this-together feeling. THANK YOU!

[pnuts mama]

god help me, i had parental amnesia-blocked all the sleep hell we had gone through with the pnut...the bean is a terrible sleeper as well, damnit. he wakes up so much and it's starting to kill me! i need to start figuring it all out but i am so damn tired...he is 7 months now, who knows what damn regression/developmental spurt/teething crap he's going through but i am done...it doesn't matter if he's in the swing or co sleeper, he won't go longer than four hours, period. ugh.

and i think it's b/c my boobs aren't big enough for me to ever lay down and nurse on my side- i do the four pillows behind me body pillow as a boppy thing when he wakes up to nurse- really comfortable in a full size bed with a 6'2" husband and a cat trying to muscle in some space too...she usually goes in the cosleeper while he's in bed with me, then they switch. i just want 6 hours of me, sleeping alone, in my bed. that's all. that's not too much to ask, right? sigh.

[Julie]

DS is 3.5 years old. Most of the time, he goes to bed without much fuss and most of the time he sleeps all the way through the night. Unless he's sick. When he's sick, all bets are off and I might be up 2-3 times in the night. We use a sound machine every night - all night, he loves his paci, and we have a predictable routine.

The biggest sleep prop we have and still use to get him to go back to sleep in the middle of the night is a bottle of milk. Yes, you heard me right. A BOTTLE AT 3.5 YEARS OLD. And it works. In the middle of the night, if he wakes up, a bottle of milk will send him (usually) back to sleep. It doesn't even need to be a big bottle of milk. Sometimes I wish we hadn't set it up this way....I'm days away from delivering #2 and often wonder what will happen when they both want ME in the middle of the night.....but the bottom line is, it works for us. And I'm not too worried we'll be doing this when he's 4, or 5 or 6....it's just what he needs now to comfort himself back to sleep. I spent a lot of time when he was younger worrying about setting up bad habits for later.....I spent hours patting and rocking and doing everything but giving him milk to soothe him back to sleep because I didn't want him to depend on that later to go back to sleep.....but then I realized I had a choice...I could either spend an hour *or more* time trying to get him back to sleep using the method *I* thought he should use to go back to sleep, or I could spend TEN minutes using the method *he* thought he should use to get back to sleep.

And we all know that you can't argue (and win) with a baby. Or a toddler. And especially not a preschooler. Though I think my preschooler would love love LOVE to have one of Moxie's trained monkey assistants come give him milk at 2 AM so please, let me know when you have that farm up and running.....

[hedra]

@mom2boys, I agree - sounds like night terrors. They're typical around that age. Freaky, too. The best thing to do if you must go in is to say you love them calmly and gently a few times, don't touch them, and then just hang out if you can't make yourself leave. The more you interact, the worse it gets until they get out of the dream state. (essentially, they're in dream state but without the body-paralysis that usually comes with dream state. If the behavior sticks around, you may end up with a sleep walker - Mr B will sleep-walk on occasion, still, at 7, which isn't usually too scary unless, say, he tries to walk out the hotel room door without saying a word at 2 AM... AAHHHH!)

@End of tether, same child (Mr B - second boyo) did what we called 'sleeping like a helicopter' - in his case it wasn't quite as thrashy/kicky (not the hugely disruptive sleep his brother had), but pushing, the odd arm-whack-across-the-nose, rotating through to the H position, pushing, rotating head down, rotating across, pushing, ... all night. Even in my mom's huge bed with nobody but him and his grandma, helicopter boy. He outgrew it. He's now a pretty decent bed-sharer. So it may come.

Other ideas - try to keep her feet and hands cool (no socks, keep hands free of blankets), while body warm (the pj's may be working because of this) - sleep sack also is a problem if her feet get warm. She may have trouble regulating her night temperature without being able to kick off and pull on blankets/layers or expose her feet to keep them cool. A six degree difference between hands/feet/face (cooler) and body (warmer) is I think the ideal for sleeping conditions - I'd have to check the research, to be certain.

Map the wakings. If there is ANY pattern, you won't be able to spot it until you look at it in the daylight. I mapped the wakings (including 'seems hungry/drank a lot' and 'seemed thirsty' or 'wanted comfort' - basically checkboxes) with Mr G, and was able to spot the times when it was more appropriate to just give straight water - it turned out that there were times he really didn't want to NURSE, he was JUST thirsty. Nursing annoyed him and made him wake more, though it was still the best option until I introduced a sippy of water to the overnight routine. So, try two options, instead of JUST watering down the milk, try one milk, one water. When I did that, it became clear that 2 of the wakings didn't need me at all. I just dropped a few sippies of water next to him so he could find them in the dark. That helped a LOT. A snack right before bed helped eliminate one waking for nursing, too. He just wasn't done eating yet. (I swear he'll be a midnight-raid-the-fridge teen...)

Reflux meds also helped (he also had silent reflux, no symptoms except some minor but ongoing congestion - yeah, sixty million issues, sigh). And the chiropractic. And the white noise. And blackout curtains. And air filter (source of the white noise, actually). And cooler room (his body temp is lower than average, so a 'room temp' room is too hot for him to sleep in. Night setback to 65 is juuuuust fine with him.)

Changing to flannel sheets year-round also helped - even though he had a low temp preference, he was sensitive to the temperature change if he rolled onto an exposed area of flat weave sheets.

One of my kids is very light-sensitive, so even light under the door was too much.

Another needs ideas for what to dream about when she goes to sleep, sometimes. Try the book 'Sleep Ponies' for the concept. Miss M likes to picture dreaming about riding sharks through the ocean, or having the biggest garden in the world, where she can pick any flowers she wants and nobody will ever scold her for pulling off their petals (resolution of a bad parenting moment, there... invent your own where you said no, and they'd love to hear yes, for them to dream about).

Two kids needed to be reminded that the body has to be still to sleep, so put your hands and feet and head down and hold still.

One needs to stretch a lot before bed, and will sneak out the Yoga deck (cards of positions) before bed. For him, massage, pulling on and pushing on limbs (stretch/compress joints), and head-stroking help a lot.

One needed a weight on her belly (an arm or hand across).

Heh, it looks like I have 45 kids... but just four, with many different intersecting issues that affect comfort and sleep. And yet - Mr G goes to bed without complaint (though he does tend to stay up reading), Mr B only sometimes needs some PT help (yoga, stretching, large-muscle activity like bouncing on the mini-trampoline for a while), but mainly just gets into bed and is asleep in 10-15 minutes. Miss R and Miss M still need coaching and don't really WANT to settle down and sleep (four year olds and sleep... different issues, more about choice and control), but once they're down, they usually go out like lights.

So, there is hope. Really. It may seem forever away, but it exists. Keep trying things, you may find some odd thing that helps. Or you may just give yourself something to do until it gets better on its own. Either way, your sanity will improve, and sleep will eventually come.

[hydrogeek]

Just sympathizing/venting here. My daughter is a pretty good sleeper overall, but had some rough times (waking up screaming 2-4 times a night several times a week) from 18-21 months that I was thankfully prepared for because of Moxie. Not that I could DO anything about it, but at least I was expecting it. She got back to sleeping all night at about 22 months. Her little brother was born when she was 23 months old and she kept right on with the great sleeping....until I went back to work after maternity leave ended at the first of the year. Now, she's up almost every night 1-2 times AND she has woken up for the day between 5:15 and 6am every morning when she had been sleeping until 7 or 7:30. Since I'm not hearing anything about 25-26 months sleeping problems, it seems like this is an attempt to get more mom time since I went back to work after I was home for 6 weeks. Ugh. If that doesn't make a mommy sad nothing will.

[shirky]

Mom2boys,

I know this is going to sound awful but. What you are describing sounds like "Night terrors". This is a different sleep cycle than the dreaming (REM) part and yes, it is difficult to wake the sleeper. My sister had these, and my son had a few episodes. They sure feel awful. My mother would take my sister and put her on the living room floor surrounded by pillows to let her thrash, bcause it seemed like in the crib she'd crack herself good.
I told myself over and over that unlike "bad dreams", sleepers don't seem to remember these night terrors. So that's one good thing about them.
other than that, they grow out of them, and some people may have a couple and never again. My sister is grown and did not have them ever again after she was little.

[Sarah]

I have no idea why my 24 month old isn't sleeping. He has always been a great sleeper (sorry, but honestly he's so difficult in other ways he makes up for it). Until 22 months. He was sick for a month so I figured he was waking at night due to that. Now he's been well for a month but still waking 1-2 times a night. He wants to be held for one minute than goes back down no problem. I struggle with insomnia so am often up all night as a result. Not fun. I have no idea what to do to get him to break this pattern. I don't think I can do CIO at this age. Will it pass eventually on it's own? Has anyone ever experienced this strange turn in sleep habits?

[hedra]

@hydrogeek, after 2 years old, the cycles trend toward the half-years. 2 1/2, 3 1/2, etc. Unfortunately, they also become very individual in cycle - some have very long phases that start early (just a few months into the year), others have phases that start early/end early, or start late end late, start late end early...

My kids all cycle into the disregulation (including sleep and eating behavior) around 5 months into each year, and run a good six months (sigh) with various peaks and valleys (plus a short sinkhole right around their birthdays again, but that's maybe a month and a bit). If you watch for it, you'll find the pattern. Check out the Your X Year Old series, they'll pick up where the Wonder Weeks left off.

My mom every year around January thinks it would be a grand idea to have my kids over more often, say, for the entire summer. By May, she's certain she must have been crazy to consider it. All my kids are born at the same time (three share a birthday, one is two weeks earlier), so they all disregulate at once. It's, uh, fun. Summer sucks. My kids have more accidents, more disruptions, more attitude, more tantrums, more food and clothing resistance, more everything from March on to about mid-September.

Anyway, you may have hit the disregulation introductory bit for the half-year stages. I know a few kids who hit it around 3 months after their birthdays, at least at this age (fortunately it gets less... um, LOUD as they get older, mostly. Maybe just 'different'? Still different is good...).