Release the old

Thanks for all the answers yesterday. This is such a tough stage, and I'm going to have to focus more on emotions than I have been, I think.

Since today is the last day of 2008, I wanted to do something to commemorate that.

So for today, please put down a belief you have about yourself that's been holding you back. Type it here, in the comments section, and it will be anchored to 2008 forever, so you can go into 2009 being free of it.

My belief that's left in 2008 I already shared with you: That I'm a comic figure just trying to make it through the best I can.

If you've got a replacement belief about yourself, we'll put those down tomorrow so they can come into 2009 with us. If you don't have a replacement belief yet, don't worry-it'll come to you soon enough>
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Comments

[pocha]

"I don't deserve the wonderful things that happen to me, because they happen out of pure luck in the first place."

[sam]

That I should have done better.

That I have to be someone I'm not to be liked - by everyone.

That I can't trust my own instincts.

That my ideas/thoughts/plans have to be justified and agreed to by others.

[Sarah]

Old beliefs:

I am not a good enough mother and am incapable of being a good enough mother because of my mothers failures.

That to be a good mother/wife I have to be perfect

That to be a good enough wife/mother my 5 month old must take predictable naps in her crib and sleep through the night and be on a schedule...

That to be a good enough mother I must enjoy being home all day entertaining my five month old... BTW so far 5 mos is way better than 4 mos

That to be a good mother/wife I must be super organized and have the cleanest house

That having ADHD means I cannot be a good enough mother

Basically I leave behind any worries about the future that are based on my past or based on something I have read in a parenting book...

more later probably- this is my first post hello everyone. You all (and chocolate and Zoloft and therapy) has basically gotten me through these last five months called new motherhood. Thanks so much.

[Di]

My number one negative from 2008 - I'm not worth it. Not worth going to the gym, eating healthy, wearing nice clothes, decent shoes, or having fun doing the things I want.

It's my birthday tomorrow and I'm starting my year off the way I want to. And then I'm taking a burlesque workshop with my best girlfriends on Saturday. (With Howling Vic, thanks to your experiences..)

[Clementine]

I love this--a chance to tell some thoughts they won't be coming on the journey into the new year. The belief I'll leave behind is that 'it' isn't good enough. There are many 'its' in my life: my work, the time with my children, my marriage, our finances, my health, me, and on and on. Buh-bye to all of them!

[electriclady]

-That I'm not a creative person. For Pete's sake, I've been working in a creative field and doing pretty well in it for 13 years.
-That I don't deserve to be taken care of.

[Lisa]

The attitude I've been working on shedding lo these many years:

that if I make everyone else happy they will leave me alone and I can focus on what I need to in peace. Worked on this with family for a long time, then - surprise! - it has surfaced in my marriage, to great detriment.

and its replacement: that they will never leave me alone, nor do I really want them to. (OK, most of the time.) That I must compassionately confront those issues that need addressing, and must keep my needs in balance with them. That the more often I am my authentic self, the better all around.

in process, and remembering Beckett: "Fail. Fail again. Fail better."

Lisa

[A different Lisa]

To leave behind in 2008: a long-standing belief that I'm shy. It keeps me from meeting folks in my new city beyond work and keeps me from cultivating the adult relationships that I know I really need.

[Cobblestone]

That my life is happening at/to me and that all I can do is react anymore.

[Susan]

Here's the belief I'd like to leave behind: that the most important thing in the world is to be smart.
Another one: that other people have all the power to define me/decide who I am.
Replacement belief? Not sure I'm there with one yet, but I'd like it to be: the world won't end if I don't do what I'm "supposed" to do.

[anonymous]

The thoughts I'd LOVE to leave behind?

I will always be fat.

I will never get over the death of my mother.

[Sandra]

Having grown up in the "school of hard knocks", my limiting belief at middle age is that too many doors are closed because of some faulty decisions made when I was younger.

I always believed that I could "right" whatever decision it was but now that I am out of my 30's, I feel like that it's too late for a lot of things.

So, my limiting belief that I'd like to leave behind is that it's too late!

[shannon]

So many have articulated hopes that I've had myself. In one way it's comforting to know I'm not alone and yet I can't get over how hard we are on ourselves!I hope that everyone out there can be kinder to themselves next year. Here are my beliefs I'd love to ditch when the ball drops:
Feeling like I'm failing my children because I'm not the homemade play dough making, loves to get down on the floor and play for an hour or more every day (never happens for this long ever and I give myself so much grief over it)perpetually calm and never cranky earth mother I'd always hoped to become. That this is me I have things to work on (more patience, please! oh and consistency) but I do a lot of good things for my children too.

feeling like the house is never clean enough being consumed with trying to attain domestic perfection.

Try to actually like myself and take care of myself. Instead of walking around in ill fitting clothing and eating badly.

[E]

Old belief: I am not a good enough mother.

New belief: I am all the mother my son needs.

[Cynthia]

Thoughts to get rid of:

1) That being a WOHM (and liking it!) makes me a bad mother.

2) That I can ignore my marriage, and it'll take care of itself.

Replacement thoughts:

1) That I'm doing the best job I can juggling work and family responsibilities, and doing pretty well at both of them.

2) How soon can we schedule a date night?

[Jac]

Old belief: I am a fraud at work. Ask me the right question and you'll find out I'm not the expert I should be. Seriously, who in their right mind would be crazy enough to take advice from me?

[cathlu]

1. I am not good enough
2. They will find me out
3. I am not worthy
4. I spend too much time thinking instead of doing
can't wait for tomorrow.....already thinking of my new 2009 beliefs

[Alanna]

Old:
1. I'm not super-skinny, therefore not attractive.
2. My 18-month old has no set schedule and doesn't sleep through the night, therefore I have failed as a mum. Somehow people don't mind implying this.

New:
1. I look pretty damn good for having an 18-month old.
2. M is happy and thriving so everyone else can just get over it.

[Emily]

I hold on to this belief that I am a healthy person except for my big sugar consumption. Every time I eat or drink something sugary, I think it's going right to my cells to do damage. I need to either consume less sugar or lighten up about it. Will be back tomorrow to look ahead!

Happy new year, everyone.

[Anon]

To leave in 2008: "I'm so afraid of failure that I'll never complete and publish my novel or achieve success in any realm."

[Jen L.]

Thanks, Moxie, for giving us this opportunity!
I want to let go of the belief that I can either be a mother or "myself." Part of the reason my husband and I wanted kids was that we liked the people we've grown up to be. I need to let my son see more of that person instead of letting myself get lost in the day-to-day parental stuff and not taking time for me.

Amy: My heart goes out to you.

[Schwa de Vivre]

My belief to leave behind in 2008: That there's something lacking in me that makes me incapable of succeeding in the working world.

[eccentriclibertarian]

@Sandra - It's NEVER too late, until the minute you die. I (re)took high school algebra at age 40 at our local community college, after having failed all math classes back when I was in school & spending decades thinking I was bad at math. Guess what? I got an A, and then took Statistics and got an A in that. Admittedly, this is a kind of trivial example, but please believe that it is not too late to make the choices you want to make for today and the future.

@Emily - right there with you. Having gestational diabetes this year sort of refocused my attention on this, but I still have a lot of health management/improvement issues I've been avoiding doing anything about.

So the beliefs I'd like to let go of are:

-I will never make the diet & exercise changes I KNOW I need to make to stay healthy for many years to come

-I did not get the parenting I wanted/needed, so I have to be angry about this fact forever, and detest my mother for being the person that she is, rather than the one I'd rather her to be - miring us in a horrible, toxic relationship that I will never escape from

-I am too selfish to be the kind of loving, giving mother to my new son (he is 7 weeks old tomorrow) that he deserves

[J]

When people criticise me it means that they think I'm stupid and not good enough.

[Lmama]

That I'm always only second best at anything. Never the winner, not quite the loser. So does that make me the linner or the woser? There's gotta be a name for it. Always almost really good at a lot of things, but never the best at anything.

[Blythe]

Being unforgiving, of others and their imperfections, and then, of myself for being critical and having those same imperfections.

[m]

That I'm too lazy and not driven enough to be successful and therefore don't deserve success.

[anon]

That I can control my husband's alcoholism.

That I don't have any energy to help myself because I'm so drained by the problems caused by my husband's alcoholism and by the needs of an extremely clingy 16 month old.

That the future is bleak.

[Tanya]

Mine is that I will always feel this terrible anxiety and that I am not fixable.

[Beth]

I'd like to walk away from the feeling that... 1. I'm too old and out of shape to be a good parent to my toddler and a baby coming soon.

2.That turning on Noggin channel is a sign of failure.

[LauraLou]

My belief: If I can't do something perfectly, I shouldn't do it at all.

I give myself permission to try, fail, learn, and keep going.

[amy]

In the abstract, the belief I'd like to leave behind is the idea that I don't deserve the good things that happen to me or the kindnesses offered to me by others.

In the practical, I'd like to be done with my doubts that people actually like me, a doubt which leads me to believe that I'll never be able to make new friends, which leads me to holding back from trying to make the new friends I desperately need.

[Lorraine]

Goodbye to you, idea that I am not good-enough, that I am the second choice, the runner-up.

[Quadelle]

I'm leaving behind the belief that I lack self-discipline.

[clr]

I am ready to be done with being afraid to take risks and just put myself out there.

[MrsHaley]

I really appreciate reading everyone else's self-defeating beliefs because mine feel less burdensome since I see most of them reflected several times in a group of wise moms who I really respect.

I'm leaving behind the belief that the standard of perfection I set for myself is actually reachable. I have never actually met all of my own expectations when it comes to being in consistent control of the things I think I should be -- housekeeping, cooking, parenting and wife-ing (yes it should be a word!). I need to let go of expecting perfection from myself in these areas and then being disappointed and down on myself when I don't achieve it. I'm trying. That's enough.

[stacy]

I need to drop the idea that it is my job to make everyone else happy.

Even if I love you, you can be disappointed sometimes. We'll all survive. And I need to believe that you won't withdraw your love just because you feel let down.

[Jen]

I'd like to let go of the idea that I'm less of a person since I left my career to raise my daughter. It's been a year now, and I still try to define myself by what I did, not what I'm doing.

I need to accept that I've lived that part of my life already. I'm in a new stage of my life that I chose to move to, and it's an important one. Not as glamorous, sure. But it makes a huge difference in the life of the little one we brought into the world.

I'd like to embrace my SAHM life -- be a more patient mom, do more around the house. Take pride in the home I run for all of us. Make it our little corner of the world.

[Jeanette]

I'll never have enough love to fill me up. I'll never be very happy because of this. Emotionally, I'll never have what I need.

[Shelley]

Thanks, everybody, for being so open -- I share a lot of these but will throw a few more into the pot. I've made progress on some, but less on others. I know them to be categorically untrue, but need to let them go once and for all.

-That I am somehow less of a mother because I have only one child.

-That I'm not accomplished enough professionally.

(Anon with the alcoholic husband -- my heart goes out to you.)

[sudru]

I'd like to say goodbye to fear, but...I've always had fear, so perhaps I need to say hello to the fear and ask it to come along for the journey, keep it close by and consult it for big decisions.

[cat19]

My belief to leave behind: that I can't change the habits I don't like about my life (procrastination, overeating, not exercising).

[Chaosgirl]

My annoying 2008 mantra -- I am too broken to be successful, and any successes I have enjoyed up to this point are the result of chance, not any intrinsic qualities I possess.

Patoooi! Can't wait to be rid of those buggers...

[Eva]

I want to leave the idea that I've never accomplished anything and that I have nothing to build on to accomplish things in the future.

2009 goal: Acknowledge what I have done, stop lingering over things I haven't, and clearly define what I want to work toward in the future.

[Karen]

Lots of great things mentioned already and I identify with many of them. I think the one I'm going to choose is this: I release the need to always be right.

[lynn]

The belief that's been holding me back is that people don't like me. That my husband doesn't like me. Also that I'm lazy and have no self-discipline.

I'm going to leave those beliefs behind in 2008. Thanks!

[Mary]

I leave behind:

I am worthless.

[noodlemama]

Leaving behind the belief that I can't have another baby. Secondary infertility sucks almost as much as the first time around.

Also (in other areas of my life) that I am doomed to always procrastinate.

[Amanda]

Embarrassing but here it is:
I have this stupid belief that I am destined to be overweight and exhausted and that I cannot change it. I also hold onto a belief that I am a victim of this things. Time to stop this!

[Chaosgirl]

My replacement thoughts:

Stop fearing success.

Stop being humble about the good stuff if your life; there is no reason to be ashamed of happiness.

The common denominator for the good stuff that's happened -- me.

Loving yourself is not the same as being conceited or arrogant, nor is it a sign of being wrong/bad/evil.

And last - your mind and body are *your* playgrounds. Have fun!

*sigh* this is going to take some time, adopting these replacement thougghts of mine. Already that automoatic shrinking wallflower feeling is taking over, making me feel crappy about what I wrote above.

My work is cut out for me this year. Balance....here I come.

Happy new year to everyone!