Release the old

Thanks for all the answers yesterday. This is such a tough stage, and I'm going to have to focus more on emotions than I have been, I think.

Since today is the last day of 2008, I wanted to do something to commemorate that.

So for today, please put down a belief you have about yourself that's been holding you back. Type it here, in the comments section, and it will be anchored to 2008 forever, so you can go into 2009 being free of it.

My belief that's left in 2008 I already shared with you: That I'm a comic figure just trying to make it through the best I can.

If you've got a replacement belief about yourself, we'll put those down tomorrow so they can come into 2009 with us. If you don't have a replacement belief yet, don't worry-it'll come to you soon enough>
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Comments

[Shannon]

My 2008 belief is that I have no control over my mental health, that things like depression and anxiety are controlling me.

[Ashramama]

Ok here's my belief about myself that I would LOVE to leave behind:

I am a negative person whose first response to anything new is an automatic "I can't/that's too hard/I'll never be able to do that/I won't (or don't) like that" followed by all the reasons why "I can't".

What I would like to replace that with in 2009 is "Yes, why not??"

Thanks, Moxie, this is a really good idea.

[Peach]

The belief that's been holding me back (that I just discovered not too teribly long ago) is that I am not allowed to be happy if my mother is not happy.

Whole lot of family issues there and I'm just discovering this at 32!

But I've got my replacement ready...

[Ashramama]

Oh! Another one! That I will never find peace in love, and that I will never find my life partner.

[Maria]

My unhelpful belief about myself is that I'm not capable of accomplishing things. Also that I'm kind of basically unlovable.

[Amanda]

Moxie, GREAT idea! My controlling belief for 2008 has been way too much focus on the negative and the small daily annoyances of my life. A lot of sighing over here. (which is obnoxious). Overall, I have been very ungrateful.

For 2009, I have started a gratitude journal to chronicle the many, many blessings in my life and to shift the focus off of the negative. No more negative!

[enu]

It's all college apps all the time here right now, as the deadline for Little One's top choice is tonight at midnight.

In honor of Little One, I too am having problems responding to the prompt provided, so I will just say that 2008 is a year I am so glad to be leaving behind me, I'm wicked proud of myself for coming through it with even my job and marriage intact, no less alive. And I will wash 2008 away tomorrow with full immersion in the Atlantic at The Annual Lobster Dip in Old Orchard Beach, Maine.

And start 2009 looking forward and not back.

[paola]

That I am intrinsically lazy when it comes to establishing and maintaining friendships (although, I am getting better at it).

Replacement thought: Friendship requires work and effort from both sides to blossom so don't always wait around for the other person to make the first move.

[Carrie Anne]

The belief that's been holding me back is thinking that happiness will FIND ME. My replacement will be to recognize how truly blessed I am and to show my gratitude by no longer being the angry, irritable, ungrateful person I have become.

[Kimberly]

Great post - stupendous idea! My belief that has been holding me back (note the past tense in preparation for 2009) is that I am unable to achieve professional success.

[rudyinparis]

I think... maybe... maybe it's a belief that I'm a powerless agent, surrounded by forces beyond my control... i.e., that I have to do A, B, and C for reasons I don't control. That I have to be so-and-so person because of obligations I am powerless to avoid or control. That choices that have led me here are irrevocable; that certain things are irrevocable...

I've had to mull this over. In many ways, 2008 was a break-through year for me in personal achievements and growth... But I think I'm still held back by anger and feelings of helplessness. But then it gets confused, because I do think my feelings of anger and helplesssness are in many ways justified! I mean, don't we all make choices or are led down a path with unforseen consequences that we then must deal with? Maybe I'm overthinking this. I guess I just want to feel I'm more an agent of free-will in 2009.

I am also held back by my need for male-approval, and this need seems to grow oddly stronger as I age. I mean approval of my physical appearance, and I feel this need is really holding me back from being a more at-peace person. So I would like to feel some peace around that need.

[Jen]

My belief about myself that I want to leave behind is that if I'm not perfect people won't like me.

[victoria]

my belief about myself that I would like to leave in 2008, is that everyone needs to be happy before I can be. I spend too much time putting everyone else before me, that I have nothing left to give myself. Looking forward to 2009

[mollyball]

belief to leave behind: that i don't deserve the lovely life i have, and will thus be stricken with some sort of tragedy/terminal illness any minute now. and that i will have deserved it. honestly, for a perfectly healthy person, i have a lot of anxiety about my health.

replacement belief: that everyone deserves to be happy and healthy. my family, myself, my friends, everybody. the end.

[Abacaxi Mamao]

I have so much to let go of and get away from, it feels staggering at times.

I think that the thing that I need most to let go of, though, is the idea that there is some kind of not-me out there that I can become by shedding me. I need to learn to love and accept and work with the me that I am, faults and talents, both. It's very hard, though. Anyone have any thoughts on how this can be done?

[hedra]

How many can I list?

I'm supposed to finish the things that are important to other people before I work on the things that are important to me.

I'm half-way through working on that one, but swing wildly back and forth still between working on the things important to me, and the things important to others. And I don't have it figured yet how to ask for help in my tasks, and not feel like that's asking too much from everyone else (see, there's the trap - everyone else can ask from me, but I'm not supposed to ask from them).

Yeah, that's the pivotal one right now, I think. Or two, maybe that's two, but they're tangled up together.

[Abacaxi Mamao]

I have so much to let go of and get away from, it feels staggering at times.

I think that the thing that I need most to let go of, though, is the idea that there is some kind of not-me out there that I can become by shedding me. I need to learn to love and accept and work with the me that I am, faults and talents both. It's very hard, though. Anyone have any thoughts on how this can be done?

[Kelly]

I have a difficult time selling myself and what I do. So I am leaving behind any thoughts that I am not an accomplished, worthy person.

[amy]

Last New Year's I made a few resolutions, and I realize now that they really were all about me doing things for other people. I, too, want to let go of the idea that I have to take care of everyone else (husband, kids, friends) before I do anything for myself.

[Fiona]

That my book has to be perfect because if there are any mistakes my career will be over.

Whew!

[Sarah]

I spent 2008 obsessing about getting pregnant and staying pregnant, but with the birth of a darling baby, I think I released that one already.

The belief I'd like to leave in 2008 is that I am mediocre at this mothering thing. 7 years in and 3 children, I default to thinking I suck at it. And I don't want to think that anymore.

That said, I find myself thinking about money and work and growing up in 2009, I want tomorrow's belief to make that as positive as I can make it.

And thank you for another terrific year, Moxie!

[MomAbroad]

The thing I need to let go the most is the fear of dealing and exchanging with people in a foreign language and quit being so embarrassed to ask if they speak English when I really need help... I sometimes hate going out because than I have to face my inadequacies in this foreign language and it shames me to no end! I have to take it with a grain of salt, learn not to take myself so seriously and enjoy this country as much as I can for the time that we have left here...

Right and quit worrying about tomorrow already! Why is it that we women (in the most general of terms) think about all theses things when we go to bed as opposed to our partners who manage to insta-sleep the minute they hit the pillow!?

Whew, that felt better too! Thank you!

[eep]

I leave behind me the belief that good enough is not good enough. Perfection is not an unattainable goal, and I will cease punishing myself for not reaching it. I shed myself of the belief that imperfections and bad days make me a failure as a mother, wife, daughter, and professional.

[caramama]

My belief that I want to let go of, but am not sure that I can, is a two-parter caused by the same issue:

That I won't be a good mother because I don't have enough energy to be the kind of mom I want to be year round and that my winter depression will ruin part of my children's childhood.

Because of my Seasonal Affective Disorder, I will never have the same amount of energy in the winter as I do in the summer. And I will likely get depressed every year. But after this pregnancy, I want to believe that I will be able to find the right medication to take during the winter to feel good year round. And even if there is no perfect solution, I need to be okay with my limitations and not feel like a failure as a mother, wife, friend, etc.

I'll be thinking about how to reframe this for my replacement belief for tomorrow.

Thanks to Moxie and all the commenters for another wonderful year!

[Amy]

Wow, I have never said it outloud! My belief holding me back has been that my body deserves to be punished for loosing my twins at 22 weeks gestation. Therefore, I haven't been the best at taking care of this one body that I do have and looking at it for the son it did create after loosing my twin boys. Ack, time to change this and get the bad out of my head and do something better for my body in 2009.

[Tess]

My 2008 belief is that I'm some kind of Emotional Cripple. I'm not.

[rudyinparis]

Amy, I'm so sorry for your loss.

[Not telling this time]

I am not just his daughter and I don't have to parent like he did for my daughter to turn out ok. I will not resort to fear and I am in control of my temper.

[Nicol]

Since becoming pregnant this year, I have been filled with fear and anxiety over the prospect of a second child before I am "ready" for two. I think I have held back when it comes to bonding with this baby. Thus, I have feelings of being a terrible person/mother for worrying this way. I know exactly how I should feel and this exercise might help make the rest of my pregnancy a little brighter!

[&BabyMakes75]

Excellent idea! Thank you!

Some of my beliefs to say goodbye to as 2008 is ending:

1. I am not in control of my weight gain.
2. Exercise is punishment.
3. I don't have time to read for pleasure, (yet I find time to watch silly things on hulu or netflix so clearly that is a 2008 belief!)
4. Graduate work is to be procrastinated as much as humanly possible.

I'm sure there are more but I'll stick with those for now.

[&BabyMakes75]

I just read through the comments.

Amy (11:40am), you have a lot of courage. Warm thoughts to you and I am so sorry for your losses.

I know there is something in my mothering and wife-ing (that isn't a word but it should be) that I need to say goodbye to along with '08 but I can't put it into words right now.

[Erin]

That I have to control everything! In actuality, I control nothing, let it go!

[KTC]

I need to leave behind the thoughts that I will never succeed in my chosen career. Or that in order to follow my career I will have to neglect my role as a wife and mother. I guess I need to believe that I can succeed in all of those things at the same time.

[Julie]

I think I need to really re-examine my relationship with my parents. I've been stewing on this topic over the last week or so - reading the holiday posts, thinking about our own holidays, and other recent developments in my life with my husband and son and OUR core family and how my parents' opinions, ideas, thoughts, and advice color the way I see my OWN family. I just don't think it's healthy, and I also think that I need to re-examine the boundaries I've set (or rather not set) with my mom in particular. It's difficult because she is there for us in so many ways and provides loving childcare for our son and future son......but still. Boundaries need to be set and I need to start seeing myself as a mother and a wife FIRST and a daughter second.

I really really think that the problems I've been having in my marriage over the last few years stem from my inability to separate properly from my parents. I'm 37 years old. I want to leave that dependency behind and start living my life with my family. And stop being so afraid to make mistakes - which is why I seek out their approval for pretty much everything we do.

2009 is probably going to be a really good year for my therapist.

:)

[ML]

Amy: I too am very sorry for your loss.

Nicol: I feel similarly! I'm pregnant with #2, a year or more earlier than I would have liked and I feel sad for #1 (who is 2 and LOVING being doted on). I feel somewhat badly about this but I know this is because of my own sibling issues.

But I'd like to leave behind the idea that I'm incapable of professional success because I lack the psychological constitution to be managerial. There will always be skills that I hate, but I can work on some of them during this economy.

Happy New Year, fellow Moxites. I am deeply grateful for this community and the support and advice you offer. May next year be brighter than the last for everyone.

[Kate]

Thank you for giving us the space and prompt to do this!

I am leaving behind my belief that I can't develop and maintain healthy habits.

[finnsmom]

I'm leaving behind the thought that what I do is not enough. That I am lazy, and should be doing more. And also leaving behind the resistance to 'doing' for fear that someone will come to expect more from me on a regular basis. A constant struggle.

[anonfor2008]

O' 2009, leave behind the tendency to look for a model to follow-- as if models really existed! Stop looking around to see how everyone else is doing things. Listen to your instincts and intuition. Trust and embrace them wholly so you never need double-check yourself.

[hush]

I've been focused too much in '08 on everyone else's faults & not enough on my own. I am the architect of my own destiny.

[Katie B.]

I want to leave behind the bone-deep belief that I'm just an overgrown teenager, faking being an adult and mother.

[Charisse]

oh mollyball, I am so in the same boat!

I'd like to leave behind the idea that I am a loser because I have a hard time getting creative work done with everything else, and that if I was really a disciplined/serious individual I would somehow fit it in. Possibly it would be good to leave behind the idea that I am a loser in general.

Thanks Moxie! What a ride 2008 was--I'm glad it came out the way it did but I'm also glad it's over.

[ada]

I'm leaving behind the belief that I'm just destined to be slightly overweight and that I have no control over it. I do have control over it.

[Julieta]

Can I just hijack some of the other beliefs, because I was reading through these going, "Me too! Oh my gosh, that's me!"
@Amy, I'm so sorry about your twins.
@Shannon, I am with you about the anxiety thing. My negative thoughts are so much stronger than my positive ones.
@Mollyball, I keep waiting for the awful thing to happen to me/my family. Even though my Dad just passed away Dec 20th, which is awful enough, I'm still expecting something else!! I have been this way for as long as I can remember, and I am a total hypochondriac.
@KatieB, I still feel like a dorky 12 year old and who trusted me with these kids to take care of?

Hmm, a new replacement belief will have to be something poetic I can chant because I'm going to have to say it All. Day. Long.

[Mogget]

I have a couple for 2008, I hope that's OK!

1. Worrying/being upset that people (especially my co-worker's) don't like me. We don't have to be best friends to work well together.

2. That I'm not smart/intelligent. It's pretty bad when my boss has to tell me 2 performance reviews running that I sell myself short, and need to have more confidence.

3. This one is kind of strange, but it is a control issue. I want to quit worrying every time I get in the car that we will end up in a horrific accident. It makes the commute each day dreadful.

I do want to take the time to thank Moxie and everyone here for providing a comfortable place here on the web. I appreciate the community, the conversation, the information. I'm so glad I stumbled across this site.

[Marsha]

That I can just will myself into being "mindful" (=slowing down).

[mo]

I just want to leave all of 2008 behind me. I've been so unhappy and so scared to do the necessary changes to turn things around. So, I guess my belief (and not sure I can just drop this in 2009) is that I am not special, that I don't have what it takes to find alternative employment, that pushing myself to do those things is too scary so that I'm willing to sit with the results of being stagnant - unhappy every day, stressed about money, unhealthy all the time, etc. Not sure why I am so reluctant to put myself out there.

[Erin]

The belief that has been holding me back is that I will never find love again. (Sayonara to that belief!)

Another belief I would like to leave in 2008 is that it's too late for me to make big career changes.

This is a cool idea, very cathartic. Goodbye 2008 and good riddance old beliefs!

[Mom2Boys]

I want to leave behind the belief that my mother's problems are my burden and legacy and therefore I will never be capable of being a good mother to my own children.

[violingirl]

2008 was a pretty terrible year for us. I'm happy we get a new shot tomorrow.

I'm leaving behind the idea that I'm a researcher and not a do-er. I end up doing very little that I plan because I'm so worried about being perfect. I need to stop researching and just do it.

[Amanda Too]

"I can't."