Q&A: What's in a name?

Today's question is from a reader who wishes to remain anonymous. This one made me laugh, but only because it would piss me off to be on the receiving end of it:

"What do you say to family members who just aren't that dumb, but are acting like idiots?

In our family, we have four last names: MyLastName, Husband'sLastName, StepDaughter'sLastName and just to make things fun, we gave the last two kids in the family a hyphenated last name that is both ridiculously long and difficult for strangers to pronounce, MyLastName-Husband'sLastName.  Apparently we hate the kids.

Naturally, my in laws deliberately ignore everybody's actual last names and address everyone as Husband'sLastName, which is particularly confusing for StepDaughter, who will pick up invitations and cards and say "But...that's not my name."  She's old enough to know the difference.  For the record, her last name is neither long nor difficult to spell, nor has it changed recently.

I'm considering sending everyone a card with the correct names on it so they can keep it by the phone or something and stop with the "Oh, really?  I had no idea" crap.  Other ideas?  It's easy to say "Oh, gosh, it just doesn't matter," but eventually it does, as evidenced by my stepdaughter's reaction to her mangled name.

Second problem: One of the youngest babies has a very long name.  It's a beautiful name, and we love it, but it's also four syllables long and kind of overly formal for a teeny weeny little baby who still poops in her underpants.  Because of this, we have assigned her a teeny weeny little nickname.  It's a little old fashioned, but other than that, perfectly acceptable and very common.  We're not calling her Fifi Trixibell or Kal El, is what I'm saying.

I assume you won't be shocked when I tell you that the inlaws now refuse to use this nickname and insist on calling Not-Fifi by her full unweildy name?  This is not surprising, right?  And I know.  "She's a baby, who cares?  Why give her the name if you don't want people to use it?"  Well, because Not-Fifi knows her nickname.  She loves the sound of it, responds to it, and giggles when people say it over and over.  Not-Fifi does not know her full name.  It has as much meaning to her as Asparagus or Albuquerque, so I have to say, it kind of annoys me when my inlaws try to get her attention by using (to her) a nonsensical word.  They're starting to act like they think she's slow, since she 'doesn't respond to her name', despite our repeated suggestions to use her nickname if they want her to give a crap.

Third...I am just tired of this.  Calling people by their correct names is just not difficult.  It's Basic Respect 101.  A few of my inlaws have names that I don't care for or have unusual spellings, but I use their chosen names and spell the darned things correctly.  How big of a stick is it going to take to get them to return the courtesy?

Oh!  Bonus!  I just found out that in all the years I've been in this family (if my tenure with this family was a child, it would be in high school by now), they have never bothered to actually, uh, LEARN my last name, as in they still can't SPELL it.  Because my last name is half of the new kids' last names, this means that by extension, they don't really know the new grandkids' last names, either.

I think my head just exploded.  Sorry about the mess.

I know the standard patter of "Oh, it's no big deal, you can't change people, just ignore it," bla bla bla, but this is just full on ridiculous, and I think I'm about two years past ignoring this crap. What I need to know now is how to approach them, and if there is a place on the human skull that, if thwacked briskly, will knock the sense back INTO someone?

I'd rather be anonymous for this, so you can sign me:
Rumplestiltskin May Need Bail Money"

Here's the part in which I make this all about me: I am so glad I revealed my first name to you guys, because you'll understand when I say I really do know what it's like to have your name constantly messed up. My last name is a big hot ethnic mess that is completely phonetic in the language it's from but makes no sense to Americans or anyone else, really. And I didn't change my name when I got married.

So I had a different last name than my husband when I was married, and my kids have their dad's last name, so I have a different last name than they do. Now we're a four lastname household: mine, the kids', and the the cats' (Alex Rodriguez and Princess Blossom Pepperdoodle Von Yum Yum).

Plus, the whole "How do you pronounce Magda anyway?" issue. (After a long discussion with a linguist friend I finally figured out that I'm not sure Australians have the vowel sound that I use when I pronounce my name! If I could figure out how to record and upload a sound file I'd put it up so you could hear me say it.)

I've always chalked people screwing up my name up to their not really being aware of name issues. Just like I never really thought about what it was like to rely on wheels to get around the city until I had a stroller with me all the time, if your name has nothing particularly daunting about it you may just not be aware that other people's do. (I get called "Monica" ALL THE TIME because it's a normal name people hear when I say my name.)

So now back to Rumplestiltskin's problem: I think it's possible that the relatives, first of all, just don't get it. If they have a more common naming situation, they may just have problems processing the more complicated situation. And it doesn't mean that people who get your name wrong are deliberately trying to hurt you (for the first year or two, anyway.)

Add a little overlay of resentment for any number of reasons (I got a ton from older women in my family for not changing my last name, and I'm guessing there could be all sorts of things going on in Rumplestiltskin's family with a stepdaughter and twins and hyphenation and all kinds of stuff that seems to bug other people for no reason). And maybe some anger that they can't control things like they'd want to. And you have a recipe for naming hijinx and passive-aggressive games and heads exploding on all sides.

Basically, I think this is one of those situations you just have to breathe through. It's disrespectful and crazy-making, but it's also just a symptom of bigger issues of power and intimacy within the family. So if you're going to go head-on about this, you need to be prepared to deal with the rest of the iceberg that's under the surface. And it's probably not worth it, unless you're losing sleep about it. (The exception is that I think you do need to go to bat for your stepdaughter because it's clear that it is starting to bug *her*. If you can put it in those terms--"but it's for the children!"--it may click with the relatives.)

Also, it's not going to hurt or confuse your daughter to be called something else by extended family. Kids grow up with different nicknames on different sides of the family all the time, and they just figure out "oh, that's what Grandma calls me even though my name is X." When she's 30 you can have a conversation in which you confess that it made you crazy when they called her that, but she probably won't care, or will just chalk it up to "the older generation."

I hate to sound all Pollyanna-ish about things, but this is a chance for you to be generous with people who may or may not deserve your generosity, and a chance to model for your kids that they know who they are even when other people can't process it. Take a few deep breaths, relax, and smile, even while you're muttering curses on the inside.

Signed,
Monica

Naming stories?

Comments

[Julie]

@Malia....I'm voting "cabbage" as the last name of your partner.

;)

[colleen]

It's a sad thing about family, that while the love flows, they just can't get that you need respect first. Maybe they have a hard time finding respect for themselves. I say show yourself a royal amount of respect and maybe they will subconsciously come to your call--no need to dominate them, just steer their brainwaves a bit. . ..

[paola]

Wow, I wish Italians were as flexible when it came to naming as the rest of the world.

Firstly, up until the middle of this year, the only surname you could have was your 'father's', unless you didn't have a father that is, and then you got your mother's. 'Father' being the name of the male person down in your birth certificate. If you had a father, you were not able to take your mother's surname unless you are Alessandra Mussolini (a different set of rules apply to politicians), whose children have her name and not their father's. And forget 'inventing' names. Officially anyway, your surname is that of your pop.

Secondly, the State can intervene on the choice of name when you register it at the local council. There was a recent case of the name 'Andrea', here a boy's name', being chosen for a girl, and although originally approved, later rejected. The parents have taken it to the European Courts as they have had no luck fighting it here in Italy.

Boy, was I worried when we registered our son's name (Noah) at our council. Fortunately, the public servants had better things to do than dispute the appropriateness of my child's name. Certain names here though are just a no no. For example, Benito and Adolf are names, which are doomed to never come up at roll call again.

Oh, and yeah, Moxie, I hear you on the pronunciation. There are just some vowel sounds that Anglo's can not pronounce. I got 'polar' or 'payola' most of my life. Hell, what is so difficult about pronouncing it 'pa-o-la'

[sueinithaca]

@Malia - I was thinking "Haggis" - is that it?!

@Moxie - some members of my family (from southern Ohio) would pronounce the "a" in the first syllable in "magazine" and "dahlia" the same. Just sayin'. :-)

My data point comes from my husband - he has a very common first name, but with an "ethnic" spelling. His maternal grandmother didn't like his father, and so refused to spell my husband's name properly - instead she spelled it the "traditional" North American way. Obviously, their poor relationship was not caused only by this intentional misspelling, but is indicative of that grandmother's general approach to grandparenting (she's notorious for outright favoritism, aong other things). Finally, a few years ago, she was complaining to my SIL that my husband was a terrible grandchild and never kept in touch. FINALLY, SIL came out and said "well, if you had bothered to learn how to spell his name properly sometime in the past 31 years, he might be more invested in the relationship."

Next card we got had the correct spelling on it. (of course, he still doesn't really like her. can't erase the past)

[paola]

Oh, the only thing hip about the naming procedure here in Italy is that women keep their surnames. Unfotunately this means that even my brother and SIL don't know my children's surname and still after 4 years, my kids get parcel's mailed to them with their first name and my surname. Deep down it probably doesn't actually bug me that much as I have never corrected them.

[Erica]

We named our first daughter Catherine, but she goes by Cate.

When Cate was born my grandmother told me how stupid she thought it was that I named my daughter something we don't usually call her. (Nevermind my dad, her son, has always gone by his middle name.) After a year or so of making it clear how dumb she thought it was, she seemed to have gotten over it, except that she spells it "Kate".

Minor, I know, but it makes me mad. Cate was named after my mom's grandmother, and she DID NOT spell her name with a "K," which is the reason we chose the spelling we did. Cate is 3 1/2 and she stills spells it wrong every chance she gets. She tells me that she just likes it better that way.

My plan, now that Cate is practicing reading skills, is to tell her that I would like her to spell it correctly to reinforce what Cate knows, and so that she doesn't become confused.

I know StepDaughter is probably too old for this to work, but perhaps with the younger ones? Stress how much you're working on teaching them to spell and write their names correctly, and how you need everyone's help. I agree that the issue needs to be addressed at least in the matter of the children. They don't need to feel like the family is rejecting any part of them, and it is so rude for relatives to make such an issue out of it. Of course, mistakes in spelling are made, but it shouldn't happen more than once from any relative.

Or, if all else fails and you were to feel really passive agressive about things, start spelling their names wrong, or even start calling them by a nickname even if they've never had one - if her MIL's name was Rumpelstiltskin, call her "Rump" til she gets it.

[Chaosgirl]

My naming story:

1) I didn't take my husband's last name when we married because a) I didn't want to and b) I had already published a lot under my original name. And I didn't want to have profession/personal divide in the naming thing.

2) We hyphenated our son's surname. This was a practical decision because we both travel a lot and thought it would be tricky proving maternity/paternity when a) our kid doesn't really look like either of us (he's eurasian so is an amalgam but bears no striking resemblence to either of us) and b) doesn't have the same name as his parents and c) for some bizarre reason, children's citizenship documents don't really have information about parents/guardians. I get that hyphenation is seen, by some, to be cumbersome, outdated, and could make our kid's life tricky if he decides to hyphenate his children's names too, but it was the best solution we had at the time.

3) I am SO used to people mispronouncing my surname (friends, strangers, colleagues, media, you name it) and coming up with some misspelled version of my given name that, through shear habituation, I am no longer offended. What. Ever.

4) Passive aggression usually needs a partner to dance.

[Fahmi]

Kids are generally more flexible about names than we give them credit for. For about the first six months of my son's life, we used a word that means "Little Lord" instead of his name, which was hard for my in-laws, because they would be using his name and he wouldn't respond. But then we started using his middle name, and he started recognizing only that, again to my in-laws charign, because they'd just gotten used to "Little Lord". And at 2.5, he knows his first name, but if you ask him what his "full name" is, he says it's Firstname, middlename, "Little Lord" Lastname. He has scads of nicknames from different family members, and he's been able to differentiate them from about a year old.

I hear you on the family not using the names properly, thing, though. My father *hates* the first name we gave him and insists on calling him by the middle name, even though the middle name was something my husband and I hoped would be just *our* name for our son. I keep wanting to tell my father to cut-it-out, but my husband says it's not worth the "offended" hurt looks it will cause. But it drives me mad.

I would intervene in the case of the stepdaughter, but if it doesn't stop, just teach her to roll eyes and not get upset about it.

[rbelle]

This is timely for me, since I got married recently (ok, eight months ago) and have yet to change my name. At first it was because I couldn't decide between just taking his name, or hyphenating, but now it's just laziness - I even have all the paperwork filled out to start the process, I just haven't gotten around to getting stamps to mail it off. :P

Ultimately, I'm planning to hyphenate my one-syllable but oddly spelled last name with his three-syllable Hispanic name - but I'm already dreading the complications that may (or may not) ensue. Even people in my family have started calling me by his last name (on cards, packages, and in my mom's case, a savings bond). I haven't bothered to correct them since it's largely my fault I'm so behind and they don't know I'm planning a different change, but still, why assume, you know? And I have no idea how I'm going to correct them when I finally get everything done. A quick email that my name is now "officially Smyth-Garcia" will probably work for most of my family, but most people in his don't really communicate that way, and using address labels that still list our names as different hasn't given anyone the hint so far.

[Chaosgirl]

One more thing - please do not misunderstand my lack of outrage. I completely understand how irksome it is to have someone misspell or mispronounce your name, I just think that the vast majority of the time no one intentionally does such things to piss someone off. Chances are that the inlaws are embarassed and have never asked the question because it would mean admitting they've made a mistake and have perpetuated that mistake by never asking the question. For some strange reason, I get this. I don't support this course of action, but I get it.

[MrsHaley]

@Malia -- Limburger?

Our naming dilemma occurs when using DD's Firstname. We usually call her Nickname, a very common flower name. But we don't use it "officially." Her legal, full name is a longer version of the flower name with a European pronunciation on the last syllable instead of the American pronunciation. The spelling has changed to reflect the correct pronunciation but NOBODY gets it right on the first try. I find it incredibly irritating that people can't say her Firstname correctly when it is pronounced EXACTLY how it is spelled. Even an uncommon name should come out right the first time if it is phonetic according to American English.

I also get "What's your last name?" when I introduce myself as Firstname Lastname, because our last name is a common woman's first name. I have to do a lot of, "Lastname IS my last name." "WHAT is your last name, again?"

Gah. Names. Rumplestiltskin, you have my sympathy. Your ILs are being a$$holes. BTW, may we call you "Rump?"

[Mom2Boys]

I have to say that when reading payola and pa-o-la both sounded the same in my head. :) It took me a minute to figure out it must be Pah-o-lah?

It's not that I mind if people get my name wrong or my child's name wrong (I could have named him Sam if it was going to be a huge deal to me)...it's the lack of concern when it matters enough to me to correct them or in the case of the OP the intentional "mistake" or outright refusal to respect the choice a parent makes in naming their child, nicknames and all or specific lack thereof. And, yes, big picture, there are more important things to deal with, but, you know, respect is a big deal, too.

[hush]

@Mom2Boys - HA! Great comment (@1:39pm). You're right, people are going to do what they'll do. And we can't change 'em!

Your comment also goes to the issue of foreseeability, and the things we maybe CAN change & control. I'm thinking of a couple I know who named their son Andrew (great name, BTW), but they had many other names they liked, too. Now it's perfectly foreseeable that a little Andrew might be called, oh heck I dunno, "Andy" or "Drew," right? Well guess what? The couple HATES those names. It's like a Serious Dramatic Confrontation Time whenever some well-meaning person calls the boy Andy. Now to me, that's crazy. There are plenty of nickname-proof names out there in the world - prospective parents please, please find one if it's going to remotely become an issue, and for gawd's sake, don't act so shocked & shaken when the common nicknames get used. Some people just aren't good listeners nor very detail-oriented. :)

Personally, I try to be super vigilant about correctly speaking & writing folks' names, because I think it is a pretty accurate litmus test for whether or not someone is caring. If, after being politely corrected, they can't make the effort to get a name right, it almost like ipso facto proof that they kind of suck. (I'm talking here about the younger generations - let's be real, many Depression-era folks don't hear so well anymore and have never known any Jaidyns, Braidens, or Kadens and that's ok!)

As for our Rumplestiltskin, I heart you! Let DH handle any discussions with his family, and you handle any discussions with yours = a good rule of thumb in a marriage. Eccentriclibrarian's script (@11:43am) would be a good one for DH to follow.

[Naomi (Urban Mummy)]

Growing up, nobody could pronounce my name. I hated it, because it was unusual and different.

As an adult, I like it for the same reason.

As an aside, I don't have the same last name as my husband, but my kids do. We decided before the kids were born that any girls would have my last name, and boys would have my husband.

Fast forward to my older son at 4 years old, who is now very aware of names, and asks everyone what their middle name and last name are. When my dad told him what his last name was (same as mine), my son was very confused. "but that's a girl's name" he said.

[Cloud]

In Rumpelstiltskin's situation, I would probably make an issue out of people not using the correct last name for the StepDaughter, particularly since it is confusing/hurting her. I think that even if the challenge is unsuccessful, it might be good for StepDaughter to see the challenge being made.

I would start with the StepDaughter name issue as the most annoying one. I would fight a good fight on that, and if I won, I might consider moving on to the next issue.

However, names just aren't a big deal in my family, so my advice may not be relevant. I kept my last name when I married, for the same reason @Chaosgirl mentioned- I'd already published with it and I had watched other female scientists struggle to get "credit" for papers written under their maiden name once they'd switched to a married name.

BUT- it doesn't really bother me when someone calls me Mrs. HubbysName and I have always told my family that they can address cards to Mr and Mrs HubbysName if they want. Interestingly, almost no one does- not even the oldest generation.

And Hubby's family just don't care at all, probably because my FIL changed his last name from his moderately funny last name to his mother's unusual but not humorous last name. They are careful to use my last name, probably because they have always been very careful to be welcoming and respectful to me. I'm very lucky in that regard.

I do get called Dr. HubbysName every now and then, which is very confusing because (1) I don't use Dr. much even with my last name and (2) Dr. HubbysName is my FIL.
And Hubby gets mail to Mr. MyLastName, which is really confusing because my first two initials are M.R., so I get mail addressed to Mr. MyLastName, too.

Pumpkin has HubbysName, and no one has had any problems with that yet. We decided she should have his last name because, while still reasonably easy to spell and pronounce, it is far more unique than mine, so she'll have an easier time getting good email addresses and the like in the future. Really- that was our logic.

[Katie B.]

As noted in the last names post, my full first name is ALWAYS misspelled. I usually ignore it, because I know it's an unusual spelling (although I'm happy to explicate!), but it bugs me when it's misspelled on official documents... like ID, you know? I actually got someone on the phone right before I read this that called me "Kathy" (a nickname I intensely dislike for myself), who apologized profusely when I corrected it. Yay for people who get it!

For the PP who wishes she'd not hyphenated, but simply added HisLastName on the end of hers - I did that (attempting to make my maiden name a second middle name), and people assume it's hyphenated. You really can't win.

The Infanta (which I think is going to be her intarnet pseudonym henceforth) is named for my great-grandmother, but it includes as part of it my MIL's name - a nicely inclusive touch, which my MIL loves. We call her by the nickname my great-grandmother used, and she responds to that. DH's grandmother (the Infanta's great-grandma) calls her by her full name - but I'm not too upset by that, Great-Grandma's known for poor grandparenting skills (favoritism among other things), and we see her very rarely. What bugs me (and I know I condemned the mite to this, but...) is that people who encounter the name written first pronounce it like the state (CarolEYEna), not the way we do (CarolEEna). I actually asked them to make a note in her chart about it yesterday at the doctor's! Topping it off, it turns out that a lot of people around here see it as a Romantic name (Spanish/Italian), and want to say the first 'a' as they're said in Moxie's name. Dude, her's is like magazine, not dahlia! My mom referred to her in an email the other day as Lena, not Lina, but that's prolly just my mom not remembering how we're spelling it. She's usually pretty good about that stuff, especially if subtly reminded. To recap (because that got long and possibly incomprehensible): Carol-eena, not Carol-eyena or Car-olina. But Lina for everyday, anyway.

Rumpelstiltskin, your ILs suck. Totally go to bat for your stepdaughter! Also the rest of the last names. For your youngest - honestly, I think it's ok for some family members to use variations that *only* they get to use. My godmother is allowed to spell my full name with a 'C' and an 'e', and I have an adoptive great-aunt who's allowed to call me Kathy, because that's her daughter's name. My $.50.

[z]

Haven't read all comments but the name thing brought up feelings that i thought of sharing.. I kept my last name when we got married. I briefly thought about changing it when the babies were born but for religious reasons (not that i am very) i decided that for now i will follow scripture and not change it. later on if it gets complicated with kids and so forth i may change it and keep maiden name as middle name but for now i am a different name in my family.
hubby couldn't care less. most inlaws live overseas and so there isn't much of a name issue. when i am visiting overseas i get called by mrs.husband's first name since that is the culture... doesn't bother me.

but what bothers me is the mispronunciation of my first name especially if you know me and are acquainted/ social with me. I can forgive a few mispronunciations etc since it is unusual but most of the times people resort addressing to me as an alcoholic beverage. which again is not a big deal initially but especially when it comes to professional relationships i would much rather not be introduced as a beverage.

[velveeta]

I have two extremely unusual names that are difficult for people to remember correctly. As in, people I have worked with for a year or more will still occasionally slip and call me by the wrong name.

I don't really care. Because you know what, when you have unusual names that people have a hard time remembering, that is going to happen to you all your life, so you better learn to shrug it off.

It's not disrespectful. (I find the insistence that it's disrespectful particularly silly, I'm sorry to say.) People are not intentionally being a big jerk to you to mess up your day. They just don't remember! And instead of being prickly and offended, I just try to shrug and remember that that happens to me all the time. It took me weeks to learn to pronounce my Vietnamese coworker's name correctly, or to remember that my other coworker's name was spelled "Stephenie", not "Stephanie".

People are not getting your kids' names wrong to mess up your day. It's unnecessarily ego-centric to go through life thinking that way, and to be honest, you saddled the kids with these names, that is the response they're going to get for life: if even their family who loves them slips up and/or is confused, people they meet in schools and at jobs are not going to be magically better at it. People are just not automatically going to intuit the perfect way to address them. I strongly suggest that you lose the chip on the shoulder, adopt a philosophical attitude, and learn to shrug to your kids and say "Well, we do have complicated names, I guess! Isn't it nice that Grandma sent you a card, though?"

Or else you're going to raise people who will get vociferously angry when the Starbucks employee mangles their name on the paper cup, and it's just not worth it to go through life perpetually pissed off about something so minor.

[Katie B.]

Paola, I (mentally) say your name POW-la, probably because a college friend's partner was Paolo, pronounced POW-lo. Where the heck would people get pay-o-la?!

[Mom2Boys]

Last post I swear -

My uncle has called my sister Adele her whole life. Not all the time but whenever he would first see her it was always a greeting to Adele. My sister's name is not Adele. My sister was supposed to be a boy and when the family asked what her name was going to be if she were a girl, her father cheekily replied Adele. Now this nickname has love and humor behind it and if it had ever bothered my sister to the point of I just can't hear that name one more time, my uncle would have stopped but it didn't and it's just part of their relationship now. And for sure my mom never had any intention of naming my sister Adele. (no offense to any adeles out there)

[Anon for this]

I would be inclined to address the problem directly, but that is my nature and not always the best approach. The direct approach seems most appropriate for helping your stepdaughter who seems hurt. It's frustrating when your in-laws seem to do something just to make you mad. Good luck to you.

My story about names:

Names are important to me and I think it's disrespectful and rude to misspell or mispronounce a name once you know the correct name. My daughter has an unusual middle name and we call her both her first name and her middle name (a "double name" in the South where we are). I wanted to just call her the first name, but my husband (from NY so it surprised me) wanted to call her both names because the middle name came from his side of the family. Okay, I agree. Then it's HIS family who will not call her the correct name. She's 2.5 and several people in his family still won't call her by the correct name.

So...

When we had our second daughter, we just call her the first name and don't call her the double name like her sister. It's less complicated and I'm guessing my older daughter will drop the double name and just go by her first name in a few years anyway because her middle name is so unusual.

[rudyinparis]

What jumped out at me, Rumple, --can I call you Rumple?--is when you wrote: They're starting to act like they think she's slow, since she 'doesn't respond to her name' about your youngest DD. Oh my goodness, that would give me seizures. You have my sympathy.

DH's paternal grandparents simply don't acknowledge that I kept my name. I let it go. That's not my hill to die on.

We hyphenized our kids, poor dears. I wanted them to just have my last name, but DH had opinions on that... so... it's called compromise when both sides walk away feeling they didn't get exactly what they wanted. I do get very tired about comments about how complicated that is. I guess I don't see the whole package--not just hypens, but step-children, not-married-partners, and so on, as that freakin' complicated. I think people act as if it's complicated in order to make sure their problems with how the world is today are known. They can't say (at least, the reasonably polite ones can't) that our choices Are Bad, so they fuss over how confusing the choices are. And they pretend not to understand.

Hmmm. Rumple, I think you need to get it off your chest, either via you or DH. So I would lay it out on the table, but be willing to move on if you lay it out there and they ignore what you've said. But perhaps having clearly spoken your piece will help.

[AmyinMotown]

I kept my own name when I got married and due to several recent deaths in the family,I realized people are clueless. My name was on the obits --BUT IT WASN'T MY NAME. It was Firstname HisLastname. I can forgive my ILs because I am 98 percent sure the person who wrote the obit doesn't actually know I kept my last name, but my OWN FATHER wrote the obit for my grandma and this is the first time he's pulled that crap in my 8 years of marriage.

And? I realized when my first child was born that women CANNOT WIN no matter what we do namewise. I got a lot of flak (from surprising quarters) for keeping my name; then when my daughter was born my now-ex BFF was all "now WHY are you giving her your husband's name?" Grrr.

As far as your family, I agree with everyone else -- stick up for your stepdaughter and let the rest slide.

[Mom2Boys]

Okay, I lied back again, but my starbucks name, the one they write down after I say my name, (because everyone messes up my name and really, I don't go ballistic when it's just a perfect stranger or even my 60 year old boss who sometimes calls me his old assistant's name so really that can't have much to do with my name at all) is Aidrienne and I like it. It's more fun than my real name, so for that it makes me happy that they can't get my name right. I wonder what they would put on my cup if I said my name was Aidrienne...

[Nella]

I too, did not take my husband's name when we married. My in-laws were (and still are) offended by this. As my mother in law said, "you just don't want to be part of the family". Um, no. I just don't think women should have to change their names. This is my name, my identity and I choose not to change it. Why doesn't your son change his name to be the same as mine?

Regardless, once our little one was born, there was a bunch of hubbub about who's name he would have and I was fine with giving him my husband's last name but I wanted him to have a name from my side of the family as well, which he does, and that's the rule for all the kids. I just want a somewhat equal representation.

I have heard lots from friends/family about how when our kids are in school it will be a hassle and no one will believe that he's my child, etc. but my mom always had a different last name from my brother and me and hey guess what? No one ever thought we weren't her kids! Shocking!

As for getting things addresses to Mrs. Husband-last-name and not my own, it kind of burns me depending on who it's from, but I can see why people just assume it should be so. It's tough to break a cultural norm.

[Lawprofmom]

Wow-- this post seems to have touched a lot of nerves. Names are a terribly personal issue that strike right at the heart of our identity. However, I'd like to offer an alternative view to some of those expressed here. Hopefully I won't get flamed for it. :)

It seems that the problem in a lot of these situations is old-fashioned etiquette and manners meeting new-fashioned senses of identity and freedom. I'm all for the later, but you've got to help out the folks still practicing the former.

There was a time (including when I was growing up-- and I'm not that old) that addressing an envelope to "Mr. and Mrs. John Smith" did two things: first it showed that you were being polite (and not informally addressing someone). Second, it made clear which family members you intended to include in the invitation. (Children not listed? They are not invited). Thus, the invitee never had to embarrass the inviter by calling and asking "did you mean to include the children?" (the embarrassment arising when the answer was "no.").

In lots of modern families, we've created a name stew. We can hardly snark when the traditionalists around us have no idea what to do when faced with sending a Christmas card or a party invitation to the family. How *should* the grandparents address the Christmas card in Rumplestiltskin's case? I count 4 different last names in this family. Should the grandparents list all members of the family individually? Send 4+ separate cards? Address it to the Smith/Jones/Adams/Smith-Jones family? I'd be tempted to address it to "Residents" and be done with it. (Joke, please, it's a joke).

As the chefs who created the name stew, I think these parents (specifically the son-- who should address the problem with his own parents) should make some suggestions to help the grandparents out.

How about this? "We know there are a lot of names in this family, and it can be hard to address an envelope to us. We would be fine if you address it to the Smith-Jones Family. However, Stepdaughter doesn't share either of these names, and it hurts her feelings when her name is left off. Would you be willing to either list her separately on the envelope or send her a separate card? If you'd like, we'd be happy to do X to help you remember."

Only once the issue has been openly, calmly, and politely addressed should we assume that the grandparents are being purposely disrespectful. They might be willing to do the right thing if given a little help.

As for the baby's name, I think you have to accept that various family members may end up calling the child by different names. When the child is old enough to express a preference, then the child's wishes should be respected. Rumplestiltskin says that "It's a beautiful name, and we love it, but it's also four syllables long and kind of overly formal." If that's the only objection, then remind the grandparents that it may be a while before baby answers to the given name and move on. After all, you can hardly complain that they are using the name you gave your child.

I'm surprised at how quickly some folks chose to jump on (or write off) others who call them or their children by a common nickname. Can't you just politely correct the person and continue the conversation? While I do my best to spell and pronounce people's names correctly, I may just need a pleasant and polite reminder that this Dave is David, this Zach is Zachary, this Kris is Kristine, and this Catherine is Catharine.

Before you all shout at me, I too have had my name hurdles. Does it bug me to get a Christmas card addressed to Dr. and Mrs. OurLastName, when I have a doctorate too? Yep. Does it bug me to get an invitation addressed to "Professor and Mrs. OurLastName" when I'm a professor too? Yep. Does it bug me to get a card addressed to Mr. and Mrs. HisFirstName OurLastName? Hell yes-- I have a name too. But I realize that these folks are mostly just trying to do the right-- and what they think is the polite-- thing. They deserve a polite response.

[Chiara]

I am not Italian, but I understand that my name is well-known in Italy. It's Chiara - pronounced "key-are-a." However, the "ch" as "k" sound is rare to Americans, so I grew up like someone else said, always knowing when my name was about to be called when someone squinted and hesitated. I can always spot a telemarketer because it's "shy-ra" "chee-air-a" or "ch-eye-ra." Attempted nickname caused its own problems. There are people who have known me for years who still say "key-air-a." I usually correct a couple times, then give it up. I totally agree that some people don't hear the difference in certain vowel pronunciations because I have corrected only to hear, "right, key-air-a!" Uh, yeah, nevermind.

Until the internet came along, I never heard of another Chiara out there, but now I know there are many (hi!).

So then I meet my husband and he has a rather unfortunate Austrian last name that 1)would need an "e" on the end for correct pronunciation
2)is a synonym for butt
But, in some ways I'm an old-fashioned girl, so taking his name was never in question. I try not to think about what I thought of it when I first met him, ha. He just says I must have really been in love with him to end up with a first name AND last name that no one can say on first glance.

My grandfather had no problem saying my name, but never, ever could spell it right. He brought me a brooch he had made somewhere with "Chaira" spelled out in gold. I don't know if I ever wore it out, but I love it. It's the most "him" thing I have and nothing else brings back so strongly the memory of how much I loved him.

[shirky]

That's it, I am calling everyone Buddy. I cannot risk this level of wrath if I mispronounce!

[Jill in Atlanta]

My FIL misspelled my first son's name for three years, despite corrections. He even ordered a magazine subscription for him at age 3 with the wrong name. Since son was already able to spell his name, he's the one that corrected his grandfather the last time- the time that "took".

[Emily]

Oh HO! Do I have a story to contribute today! Baby's about to wake up so didn't read all the comments yet but I will asap -- I'm interested to see if anyone else has similar issues.

My husband and I combined our names when we married. His name was a longish uncommon surname and mine was shorter but completely weird and unpronouncable. Our new name is half his and half mine and is way easier to spell and pronounce. Or so we think, anyway.

We made this decision in about 2 minutes, while standing in line to get our marriage license at City Hall. I really have NO IDEA what we were thinking.

The last year -- the first of our marriage -- has been a long series of conversations about Names and What They Mean. It's been eye-opening, and that's a giant understatement.

We're finally at a place where everyone in our immediate families feels okay with the name but it was a long, long road.

My feminist mother (who kept her name when she married and throughout my childhood would actually throw away mail addressed to her in my father's name) loved the concept and my father was amused. My in-laws were predictably baffled and hurt, though less hurt than they might have been. Extended family on my husband's side continues to be low-level outraged. It was even hard for my husband to finish all the name-change paperwork, and it was entirely his idea!

I'm afraid I have no real advice. I'm pretty much following Moxie's suggestion that it's an exercise in generosity for me to ignore any name issues...though my son is still too young to feel hurt or confused by them. For me, the take-away message is: do not underestimate the depth of our inner feelings about what we call ourselves. WOW.

[Nick]

Paola, I don't know if this makes you feel any better, but I have a cousin in the Trieste area who has your name and she is constantly complaining that other Italians screw up her name.

She being the only Italian-Italian (as opposed to IT-American, IT-Canadian, etc.) Paola I know, I presume she has a point that it's one of those names, even to Italians. . . but it might be a dialect thing too, I never thought to ask.

I do know American Paolas who have been shocked that I know the "real" pronounciation of their name-- they all seem rather resigned to being called "Paula."

[Slim]

"It's not disrespectful. (I find the insistence that it's disrespectful particularly silly, I'm sorry to say.) People are not intentionally being a big jerk to you to mess up your day. They just don't remember!"

I buy this is some situations, not in others. I do know some charmingly ditsy types who screw things up, and they mean no harm. But I also know people who deliberately get things wrong either to make a point that they don't like your decision or because they can't be bothered to get right something you have made clear is important to you, and in those cases, I think not getting irritated is a favor you do yourself, not a courtesy you owe them.

People have a right to do what they want. Other people have a right to feel about it the way they do. You don't get to claim one part of that equation and deny the other.

[J]

I read the post and walked away for a while and thought about it, and am now coming back after a while. I haven't had time to read every single comment yet so I may be repeating (but the baba is waking up from nap and I only have a minute).

I think what would be hardest for me in this situation is thinking that the in-laws consider the youngest one "slow" for not responding to her name. That sucks, to think that anyone is judging your child at all, much less negatively and incorrectly. I think others have stated well that kiddos are resilient and figure it all out. It's probably hardest not for your littlest one in this situation, 'cause she will get it eventually, but for you. I liked what Moxie said about laughing about it thirty years from now.

But for the rest, I have put a lot of thought into this - into why people have such a hard time with the newfangled way we have of not taking our husbands' names automatically, and naming our children in the manner that is best for us and our little nuclear families. It sounds like lots and lots of us are facing this. And that's why I can't get it out of my head.

I really think other generations and cultures may sometimes see this as an affront to the way they were raised. And they may not be able to separate their own feelings about "people who don't take the married name" from the actual situation. For example, my stepmother did not take my dad's name when she married him, and it is odd for friends and family. I think they see it as her "trying to give herself an out if she needs one", or trying to find a way to make divorce easier should she want to go down that path. Of course, they have been married now for oh, twenty years and are as much in love as the day they married so I personally don't think that, I am just reporting what others have hinted about.

Alternatively some people may personally have taken their husband's name as a sign of the commitment to the new family they are creating, and because they took the name in such a deliberate and thoughtful way, they may judge others who view it differently. Is that right? Not necessarily. But I think it may have a lot to do with why people are so passive-aggressive about this - particularly husbands' parents, who may hold on to their own beliefs so tightly that it prevents them from seeing that their daughters-in-law can be completely committed but still want their own name.

Anyway, I guess distilled, I have three points:
1) unless your husband's family does tons and tons of other hurtful things to you, I agree with those who say, try to let it go - if they are basically kind and loving people to you. Because it's just not worth it to try to fix the feelings behind their actions.
2) If you really, really need to make a statement, maybe consider giving them pre-printed ADDRESS labels. This will help them see how you want things addressed and maybe will make a point while still being something useful. And you can make a joke out of it.
3) This is to all of you with complicated names :-) go easy on all of us who inevitably get it wrong when we try to send you holiday cards :-) It sounds to me like most of you do. But it can be so hard to keep all of our friends' naming conventions straight. Most of us really do our best though.

Oh, and I was thinking - is the stepdaughter directly related to your husband's family (it can be so hard to tell and I wasn't clear on it based on what was written above)? And how old is she? Maybe if she's in that great 6-10 year old age range, maybe you can encourage her to speak up herself... unless you think that would be hard for her and she may get hurt out of it... but maybe they will take it well when she states clearly what her name is. Just a guess though.

[agnes]

I would say to go easy on people who just might not know/remember. I've had this issue when sending out the Christmas cards - I know my second cousin's wife kept her name, but I don't quite remember what it is...
This was my explanation for why we got so many "Mr and Mrs hisname hislastname" cards from his side, though people seem to be able to remember what my husband's last name is, even if they were my childhood friend and never met him, and I didn't change my name.

Also - hello, charities out there? Can you please allow for donations in the name of couples who have different last names? The latest one was something addressed to Mr. and Ms. Hisname Hislastname. That doesn't make sense on any front.

[sunshine]

When I married, I took my hubby's last name. My maiden name was my father's name, and I had no relationship with him. My inlaws were already closer to me than my dad ever was, so I was happy to take their name. (both names are common and easy to spell)

Hubby's first name is now commonly a girls name. Mine can go either way, but the spelling is clearly feminine. When we picked DD's name, we picked the feminine spelling. Didn't know it would become a hugely popular boys name. ( boy's spelling is 1 letter different than the girl's version)

So, nobody can figure out just by our names who is the husband/wife. ( sure makes it easy to screen junk mail and telemarketers!)
And nobody can correctly spell my name or DDs.

In my opinion, we all have beautiful names.

[Dana]

I have a complicated naming situation, too, but I don't care if people get it wrong. It also helps that I don't have inlaws, I'm sure! I think if you set up a complex naming situation you maybe shouldn't be shocked when people get it wrong, even if they are purposely getting it wrong because it annoys them. I might make a point of the stepdaughter's last name being different, and let the rest go. The inlaws will learn to use the nickname the little one responds to, or the little one will learn to respond to the longname.

My name, Dana, can be pronounced Daa-na or Day-na or Dah-na. I don't particularly mind which version people use. Sometimes I'll correct people if they try Diana or Donna, though. I think Magda is a beautiful name as Maa-gda or Mah-gda.

My husband's original last name was impossibly long and foreign, so he changed it when he emigrated to Canada. Unfortunately he changed it to a name associated with a nationality he does not possess, this creates mostly amusing confusion. (E.g., calling yourself Kruger when you have an accent but you aren't German.) He's so estranged from his family of origin that they don't even know his new name. I come from a big clan, and I would never have changed my name anyway, let alone to his red-herring of a name. Our kids have my last name. They also have first names that are traditional with lots of traditional nicknames, some of which I try on from time to time.

So, we get called all sorts of stuff. I might get Mrs. Husbandname, he might get Mr. Wifename, who cares? We're entitled to use each other's names if we want to, and I do use Mrs. Husbandname if it's convenient, like in a hotel. He can use Mr. Wifename when dealing with the school when the time comes. Some of the family will address us (e.g., on a Christmas present tag) as "the Husbandnames," even though, of course the only one in the family with that name is husband. Maybe they know our kids' last name is mine, maybe they don't, but it's the easiest way to distinguish our particular family among the extended family anyway. With the nicknames, well, of my sons is named Frederick: call him Fred, call him Freddie, call him Federico, I don't care, just enjoy him and talk to him. I wouldn't have picked a long name with common nicknames if it would bother me when people used them. When he learns to talk he can tell people if he doesn't like one of them.

So, I guess, I would let go of as much of this as possible, but I suppose that's easy for me to say because, while I do have a crazy naming situation, I don't attribute any meaning to people getting it wrong.

[Lisa]

I changed my last name to my husband's when we married, and made my old last name my middle (neatly shedding an insipid middle name I'd never liked). Many reasons:

- aesthetics - he has a beautiful last name, and I was never crazy about mine, but felt it was nonetheless a part of me.
- I'd published under the original name a fair bit, and didn't want the confusion associated with shedding my original last name.
- support -he had mixed feelings about his own last name, which came from his con-artist father. (Me: "But honey, he always used an alias!")
- failure to come up with a new last name that worked well for both of us.

Anyway, this has worked pretty well, despite people assuming I've hyphenated when I haven't and so throwing me into alphabetization-related confusion I was trying to dodge.

BUT.

The one real issue has come from my family, who collectively tend toward the, um, self-referential. They occasionally - not all the time but often enough - address cards, etc. to me using my original name. Annoying. Then my sister addresses a card to my *son* using my original name. Knowing DH has some name issues. Gah.

OK, she felt terrible when I gently pointed it out - but, c'mon, how hard is it? We just go with "be gracious but firm," and then roll our eyes later. Still...

[marci]

ok, i mainly agree with rudyinparis and lawprofmom.

my birth cert name is 'marcia' which can legitimately be pronounced 'marsha'. i correct with 'it's marSEEa, i go by marci'. not usually a problem, but i know what it's like to constantly feel you are defending your name/identity. i've also not changed my name in marriage before, but i wasn't all up in arms about christmas cards addressed incorrectly.

anyway, in perfect fantasy life, i would have a caring calm assertive conversation along the 'it's not you, it's us, i know it's confusing but please respect our choices' and then *let it go* with respect to me but not the kids - that one i'd keep gently correcting and trying to not be snarky or sarcastic so as to preserve the kiddos' relationships.

in real life, i'd steam and steam and totally freak on hubby when i got him alone in the car after a visit. sigh.

anyway, yet another 'pick your battles' kinda thing - if they know and use the children's names correctly, i'd let mine mainly go. and i wouldn't sweat the nickname, though i would require hubby to very firmly take care of any slights on baby's intelligence.

[Amy]

My oldest daughter's first name is Mary Grace. Not Mary. Not Grace. Mary Grace. She has no middle name, but when she's in trouble, I call her "Mary Grace Elizabeth Lastname" because Elizabeth is my middle name and my second daughter's middle name.

We arrived at this name because I wanted to name her "Grace," but so did everyone else in 2005, so I changed it without making it unpronouncable. I think it's a beautiful, classic name.

My two uncles call her Mary. And at 3, she doesn't recognize that they're talking to her at all. My husband's best friend and his family call her "Gracie" and she responds to that. Not sure why. Maybe she only hears the last part of the name when I call her?

But everyone else calls her "Mary Grace." That's her name. And when my uncles call her "Mary" it just drives me insane. How hard is it to add that extra syllable and call her by her name?

I think it's fine for kids to have different nicknames from different groups/family members/friends, etc. Although I was "Aimothy George" - a joke because my cousin was Timothy George - with my dad's family and I hated it. I guess I wouldn't sweat it if the 'rents are calling the kid by its given name instead of the nickname. Maybe they're just more formal. But I wish we had veto power over nicknames and shortened names.

I guess it's just part of the parents' eternal struggle to let go.

The last name thing, though, that's just passive aggressive, and I'd be sorely tempted to mark incorrectly addressed mail "return to sender."

Amy @ http://prettybabies.blogspot.com

[Jen]

I haven't read all the posts yet but . . .
you obviously have every right to take or not take whatever name you would like. And to name your child whatever you'd like. And, the hangups about women taking the DH's last name is antiquated in some respects. But it is also the woman's choice . . .

That having been said, the OP has a lot of rules/issue going on re: names. From the family's point of view, it might be a bit much. It is even from mine and I don't have an interest either way. So, maybe just relax a little and pick your battles. Is calling baby her correct name rather than a nickname THAT big of a deal? I grew up with about 4 diff names/nicknames . . . Just putting this out there.

[Laura]

My son is 18 months and his name is John. I was suprised by how many people had a problem with this standard male name. I think many think its boring, but I think it is classic and strong and kind. I thought for sure I would never call him Johnny, but now you look in his baby eyes, and, well.... he's a Johnny. My baby nephew's name is Samuel and I call him Sam or Sammy or Sambo or Samalama or... etc. I do it out of the utmost adoration of the little guy. I always thought people using nicknames was cute (but obviously not in the case of the writers' in-laws, who are clearly sticking it to her in my book). I think in many cases nicknames are truly just a sign of major endearment.

[beyond]

my name is the germanic version of a name that exists in many other versions. usually people make the effort. a few people deliberately mispronounce it, like my ex-boss' husband. i have learned to correct people once and then i usually let it go. because it just doesn't really get to me. i think it's a power thing. rumple's in-laws are playing with her, however it doesn't seem like she has made her wishes clear either.

[Laura]

re: my nephew Samuel... I guess I need to check in with my SIL to make sure I'm not driving her crazy...

[Sherry H.]

re: paola. thanks for describing how to pronounce your name! now i'll be ahead of the curve when i meet someone with your name. i am one of those types who make it a personal point to try to pronounce names correctly. sometimes i even avoid saying someone's name altogether until i hear them pronounce it.

regarding in-laws not specifying the correct last name... i have been gently corrected by my aunt and sister about their new last names, in one instance switching from old husband's last name to new husband's last name, and another with spelling. but honestly i was doing the best i could given a lack of upfront information.

-Sherry H.

[Danielle]

My 2 cents and a silly story:
My MIL will occasionally call me by DH's old girlfriend's name. Old as in, from HIGH SCHOOL. But she loved her dearly, or at least wanted people to think she did for various reasons, and is yet another master of the passive aggressive, so she does it. Honestly, I don't give a s&*^ and would agree with the have a glass of wine comment. BUT - if she did this to a CHILD who was old enough to be confused by it, I would definitely let her know that that it is confusing and would be much appreciated if she could make some extra effort to get that right.
As far as the baby, eh, grandparents and babies have pet names amongst themselves. If they want her to respond when they call, they may or may not figure it out. Again, just my two cents.
Now the silliness: my best friend's name is Christa and never went by anything else. Unfortunately, she fell in love with a man named Chris. His sweet old grandfather used to call them both Chrissy. Anyone else would have gotten the look of death for it, but Grandpas and sweet old men have special privileges, I suppose. :)

[Eva]

I come at this issue from the side of being the the obnoxious relative who never gets anyone's name right. But it's a pronunciation issue since they live in another country and I honestly can't say, or even hear, some of their names correctly. I say my own husband's name kinda wrong. But the truth is I could definitely try harder. One sister-in-law has a lovely name that I butcher into some twangy American-sounding thing, and I can say it mostly right if I try but, um, well, I don't. It's too hard. Especially when in the middle of an English sentence. I don't know that she cares--I'm pretty sure my American-o-phile brother-in-law loves that I say his name the American way--but I imagine she would prefer to be called by her actual name. Of course, they pronounce my name the way it is in their language and that irritates me a bit since, after all, that's not my name, but I also find it a little charming and inclusive, so...

None of this is helpful. I like the idea of asking them, all innocent, why they call so-and-so by an incorrect/not-preferred name.

[anaximander]

My best friend has a similar problem. Her real first name is something male, and incredibly common in middle eastern countries. She hates this name - doesn't consider it who she is. Her chosen nickname is also distinctly male, and her family HATES it - her mother specifically chose something that could not be nicknamed. However, I don't think of her as anything other than her nickname, so I exclusively use that. I usually accompany her to family dinners and such, and so I use her nickname to refer to her without thinking, and am ... ahem... gently corrected by her mother, while they both seethe. It's escalating into world war four. We haven't found a solution, either.

I'm planning, should things progress that far, to use my boyfriend's last name privately, but publicly and legally retain my own last name in honour of my grandfather. Children will likely take their father's name just to simplify, but first names will be heavily associated with my family.

My boyfriend actually doesn't care about names at all - considers them representations of a person, not part of a person, and are thus mutable. I like that idea.

[hedra]

I'm with asking them about why they do that. It's a kind of Miss Manners-ish answer. Kind of like 'why do you ask?' for nosy questions - it will stump those who are doing it to be mean (because they won't admit it), and it will draw out the reasons for those who aren't.

MANY of my family members mess up what name I use. I know for a fact that my elder sister L loves me, is fond of me, and respects me a great deal. She can't remember whether I took ep's last name, hypenated, or kept my own. She's been sending me checks for tuition help for the kids for a few years, now, and only in maybe the last year has she settled to the correct name, and that's after checking how I endorsed the check on a monthly basis for that long. My little brother can't remember how to spell my kids names (three of the four), and I messed up his son's name a good half-dozen times before I figured out how to remember it. My mom still mispronounces Miss M's name regularly, and I'm absolutely certain that she loves, respects, and admires her, and also thinks her name is super cool. It just doesn't have enough precedent in her language capacity for her to hold the cadence, inflection, and sounds all at once. She'll get one right, but not the others.

So.

Then there's me. I was born with one name, informally adopted my step-dad's last name, formally adopted my step-dad's last name (through affidavit, so not LEGALLY formally, just enough to get my passport and drivers license and SSN in it... that loophole is closed, I think, but anyway), and when I got married, I declined to take ep's last name - it just sounded silly together. My eldest sister took her dad's last name, my second eldest swapped to her birth dad's last name, then took her husband's last name and KEPT that name through two subsequent marriages. My next sister kept the step-dad's last name, the next brother down (still above me) took our dad's last name (not step-dad's), I have my step-dad's, my little brother (half) has his step-dad's.

Head spinning yet? Long story short, we mess up whose names are whose sometimes. Mainly we have it right after about a decade or two. We try to make clear that it isn't a love thing, or a respect thing, it is just a brain function thing. And we do keep trying to get it right.

Now, for the common ground issue that seems to be at the heart of the whole deal here - the ILs seem to have issues with the MEANING of the name-being-used. Not the meaning of the actual name, but the implications and metamessage of using one vs the other. Address this, and you may find a comfortable place in the middle.

You're stuck both valuing the naming, it seems - they value one side, you value the other. You wanted to choose for your family, they wanted to choose for their family - and that included you. That may be part of your common ground - that you both know that names carry complex relationships with them, and that you both want to control how your family's names are presented and what they represent.

There's also a load of emotional mangle and hurt feelings involved. Yours (please call them what I want you to call them), and theirs (please let us call you what we want to call you).

So, 'I notice that you can't remember that I have a different name than you, and that you can't remember how my name is spelled. I wonder if you feel I didn't want to be part of your family because I didn't take your name? I worry that you always felt that this was a wall between us. I also wonder if you feel that our reasons are a rejection of the things you value most?' And at the same time, 'I like to choose how I present myself to the world, and for now we'd like to set the stage for how our kids present themselves to the world. Names are part of that self-image, and it is important, we feel, to allow that to follow forward with everyone who loves them - to respect their name AS USED is to respect who they are right now. They may change their minds later about how they wish to be addressed, but it's so important to their sense of identity - both as individuals and as members of a multi-layered family - that we'd really like you to pay attention to this and get it right. Would you be willing to try to be more accurate to the AS-USED names for now?'

I think it's okay for the child to be called by the long-formal-name by people with a particular relationship to the child. That's like a nickname, but in reverse - a pet name, really, an act of affection. Both lengthening and shortening names are acts of affection. It may be more uncomfortable right now because there are so MANY other name-related issues involved, it smacks of 'one MORE thing that they will not attend to with respect!' - but in fact, that one may be a totally different function. It just smells similar.

Meanwhile, just talk to them about the meaning of names - maybe get into family history, genealogy, and so forth. Maybe mention that you're glad that the kids have husbands-last-name so that the history will be easy to track, and you're equally glad they have yours so that your name won't get lost, either - and talk about your family history. Also, talk about other people who have done the same things, how the rules change with each generation, and how we're in the generation that is still figuring out how to do this - maybe next generation will change their minds, but for now, this is what we've done to get the maximum usefulness from the process. Plus it means something to you (clearly) so express that, too.

Okay, back to work for me. I wish I could read all the replies, but it is WORKSHOP day tomorrow. The BIG workshop that the little workshops all were preparation for. My brain is melting.

[hedra]

urg. Little step-brother has his DAD's (my step-dad's) (and the eldest sister has a different dad than me, too, so that's a further different name). Oh, and my mom goes by her maiden name.

[Christiana]

For Rumplestiltskin: try having your husband talk to his parents and tell them that it's offensive that they don't even try to get it right. As for the grandchild's nickname thing - if you've repeatedly told them over and over, then there's nothing you're going to be able to do about it. The rule in our family was that when we announced our daughter's name, WE got to choose what she was called - her full name and a nickname of our choice.

My own naming story? My mother wanted to name me Christiana and nn me Christy. At birth, the nurse spelled it wrong and while my mom was dealing with a severe infection post-c-section my father allowed the misspelling of Christina to go on the birth certificate. I was 5 years old before I knew my name wasn't legally Christy and I was in high school before I adopted the name I was supposed to be. :)
My father hates that I go by Christiana. And he misspells my name all the time. My family are the only ones who call me Christy/Christi (I changed the spelling to a "shortened version of my true name" in jr high) still and my dad can't even get my preferred spelling right. I don't think it's because he's being obstinate, I think he truly doesn't notice/care.