Q&A: What's in a name?

Today's question is from a reader who wishes to remain anonymous. This one made me laugh, but only because it would piss me off to be on the receiving end of it:

"What do you say to family members who just aren't that dumb, but are acting like idiots?

In our family, we have four last names: MyLastName, Husband'sLastName, StepDaughter'sLastName and just to make things fun, we gave the last two kids in the family a hyphenated last name that is both ridiculously long and difficult for strangers to pronounce, MyLastName-Husband'sLastName.  Apparently we hate the kids.

Naturally, my in laws deliberately ignore everybody's actual last names and address everyone as Husband'sLastName, which is particularly confusing for StepDaughter, who will pick up invitations and cards and say "But...that's not my name."  She's old enough to know the difference.  For the record, her last name is neither long nor difficult to spell, nor has it changed recently.

I'm considering sending everyone a card with the correct names on it so they can keep it by the phone or something and stop with the "Oh, really?  I had no idea" crap.  Other ideas?  It's easy to say "Oh, gosh, it just doesn't matter," but eventually it does, as evidenced by my stepdaughter's reaction to her mangled name.

Second problem: One of the youngest babies has a very long name.  It's a beautiful name, and we love it, but it's also four syllables long and kind of overly formal for a teeny weeny little baby who still poops in her underpants.  Because of this, we have assigned her a teeny weeny little nickname.  It's a little old fashioned, but other than that, perfectly acceptable and very common.  We're not calling her Fifi Trixibell or Kal El, is what I'm saying.

I assume you won't be shocked when I tell you that the inlaws now refuse to use this nickname and insist on calling Not-Fifi by her full unweildy name?  This is not surprising, right?  And I know.  "She's a baby, who cares?  Why give her the name if you don't want people to use it?"  Well, because Not-Fifi knows her nickname.  She loves the sound of it, responds to it, and giggles when people say it over and over.  Not-Fifi does not know her full name.  It has as much meaning to her as Asparagus or Albuquerque, so I have to say, it kind of annoys me when my inlaws try to get her attention by using (to her) a nonsensical word.  They're starting to act like they think she's slow, since she 'doesn't respond to her name', despite our repeated suggestions to use her nickname if they want her to give a crap.

Third...I am just tired of this.  Calling people by their correct names is just not difficult.  It's Basic Respect 101.  A few of my inlaws have names that I don't care for or have unusual spellings, but I use their chosen names and spell the darned things correctly.  How big of a stick is it going to take to get them to return the courtesy?

Oh!  Bonus!  I just found out that in all the years I've been in this family (if my tenure with this family was a child, it would be in high school by now), they have never bothered to actually, uh, LEARN my last name, as in they still can't SPELL it.  Because my last name is half of the new kids' last names, this means that by extension, they don't really know the new grandkids' last names, either.

I think my head just exploded.  Sorry about the mess.

I know the standard patter of "Oh, it's no big deal, you can't change people, just ignore it," bla bla bla, but this is just full on ridiculous, and I think I'm about two years past ignoring this crap. What I need to know now is how to approach them, and if there is a place on the human skull that, if thwacked briskly, will knock the sense back INTO someone?

I'd rather be anonymous for this, so you can sign me:
Rumplestiltskin May Need Bail Money"

Here's the part in which I make this all about me: I am so glad I revealed my first name to you guys, because you'll understand when I say I really do know what it's like to have your name constantly messed up. My last name is a big hot ethnic mess that is completely phonetic in the language it's from but makes no sense to Americans or anyone else, really. And I didn't change my name when I got married.

So I had a different last name than my husband when I was married, and my kids have their dad's last name, so I have a different last name than they do. Now we're a four lastname household: mine, the kids', and the the cats' (Alex Rodriguez and Princess Blossom Pepperdoodle Von Yum Yum).

Plus, the whole "How do you pronounce Magda anyway?" issue. (After a long discussion with a linguist friend I finally figured out that I'm not sure Australians have the vowel sound that I use when I pronounce my name! If I could figure out how to record and upload a sound file I'd put it up so you could hear me say it.)

I've always chalked people screwing up my name up to their not really being aware of name issues. Just like I never really thought about what it was like to rely on wheels to get around the city until I had a stroller with me all the time, if your name has nothing particularly daunting about it you may just not be aware that other people's do. (I get called "Monica" ALL THE TIME because it's a normal name people hear when I say my name.)

So now back to Rumplestiltskin's problem: I think it's possible that the relatives, first of all, just don't get it. If they have a more common naming situation, they may just have problems processing the more complicated situation. And it doesn't mean that people who get your name wrong are deliberately trying to hurt you (for the first year or two, anyway.)

Add a little overlay of resentment for any number of reasons (I got a ton from older women in my family for not changing my last name, and I'm guessing there could be all sorts of things going on in Rumplestiltskin's family with a stepdaughter and twins and hyphenation and all kinds of stuff that seems to bug other people for no reason). And maybe some anger that they can't control things like they'd want to. And you have a recipe for naming hijinx and passive-aggressive games and heads exploding on all sides.

Basically, I think this is one of those situations you just have to breathe through. It's disrespectful and crazy-making, but it's also just a symptom of bigger issues of power and intimacy within the family. So if you're going to go head-on about this, you need to be prepared to deal with the rest of the iceberg that's under the surface. And it's probably not worth it, unless you're losing sleep about it. (The exception is that I think you do need to go to bat for your stepdaughter because it's clear that it is starting to bug *her*. If you can put it in those terms--"but it's for the children!"--it may click with the relatives.)

Also, it's not going to hurt or confuse your daughter to be called something else by extended family. Kids grow up with different nicknames on different sides of the family all the time, and they just figure out "oh, that's what Grandma calls me even though my name is X." When she's 30 you can have a conversation in which you confess that it made you crazy when they called her that, but she probably won't care, or will just chalk it up to "the older generation."

I hate to sound all Pollyanna-ish about things, but this is a chance for you to be generous with people who may or may not deserve your generosity, and a chance to model for your kids that they know who they are even when other people can't process it. Take a few deep breaths, relax, and smile, even while you're muttering curses on the inside.

Signed,
Monica

Naming stories?

Comments

[Slim]

Actually, my niece prefers that the family call her by one name (her nick) and the rest of the world call her by her nonnick. Her very own father can't manage this, even though she and my sister have told him, repeatedly.
And now they have both given up, although my sister did so only after saying, "It may not seem like a big deal to you, but it bothers her. You are hurting the feelings of a child by doing this, and you are therefore hurting your relationship with her. We are letting it drop because we are tired of fighting with you about this, but do not think that we have come around to your way of thinking on this issue. What you are doing is not OK with us."

[eccentriclibertarian]

Well, my name is Gretchen, which despite being a well-known name for about 500 years, is constantly misheard and misspelled. I am often called 'Bridget' or 'Ingrid'. WHY??? Neither of these names is any more common that Gretchen!

To Rumple's problem: my mother (thinks she) is a master of passive-aggressive moves. I struggled with this for years until I hit upon the solution about 2 years ago. In a calm and non-confrontational way, I simply ask her why she's doing/saying whatever it is she's being PA about. So in the case of the in-laws, I'd say, "You know, Nickname is used to that version of her name - she knows it and responds to it - why is it that you keep using her Fullname? There's plenty of time for that when she's a little older!" As for the last name situation, I'd tell that that they have confused Stepdaughter by omitting her last name, and ask if there is some reason why the continue to do so.

But I may be a little more willing to get into it - YMMV. My parents and in-laws are all people who would run roughshod all over me (they do to other family members), so I stand pretty tough & head them off at the pass, so to speak. It actually works better for everyone, as it allows us to have a relationship on mutual terms, rather than on their terms alone.

[Annie B]

I know I would have problems with my last name if I lived in the US. In addition of the fact that it has six vowels for two consonants, it needs three vowels to make the first vowel sound. Plus, the last vowel sound? Totally doesn't exist in English. So yeah, I'm glad I live in a French speaking place and I don't to deal with it in general, only when I speak to English speaking clients.

Plus, I don't really like how Annie is pronounced in English, but there's nothing I can do about that.

[Michelle]

I guess I'm a little confused as to how the reader wishes things to be addressed. If she was my relative I would probably address things to Husband FirstName LastName, Wife FirstName Last Name & Family. Otherwise, it would be hard to fit everyone and their various last names on the envelope.

My dad was very adamant that no one call me Shelly as my name was Michelle. Likewise, I named my son David and it bugs me when people call him Dave (his teacher did just this morning) but really I try not to get too annoyed.

However, I am currently pregnant and my husband would like to use his late mom's name as a middle name if we have a girl. I'm not particularly fondly of the name but I understand that he wants to honor his mom. My bigger concern that his dad will call the baby by her middle name rather than her given name. But I guess we'll cross that bridge when we come to it because we don't even know what we are having at this point.

[scantee]

Names are an issue for our family too. I didn't change my last name upon marrying my husband and most of the people from both of our families do not acknowledge that difference. Mostly I just ignore it, even though it burns me up inside because I KNOW they are doing it purposefully as a small way to stick it to my (fairly minor) unconventionality. My son has his father's name but, if we have another child, s/he will get my last name. When I've mentioned to people that that is our plan, they get a look like I just admitted to child abuse! Should we have another child, I'm sure the different surnames of our children will cause outrage in the family.

[eccentriclibertarian]

My name is Gretchen, which despite having existed as a name for about 500 years, is constantly misspelled and mispronounced, or greeted by a blank 'huh?' when I say it. I get called 'Bridget' and 'Ingrid' all the time. WHY?? Neither of these names is more common than Gretchen!

As for Rumple's problem - I like what Slim said. My mother (thinks she) is a master of passive aggression. I have learnt that the best way to handle it is to confront her - as gently as possible - and never let things slide. So I'd say "You know, Tiny recognizes that as her name - there's plenty of time to introduce Longerversion when she's older. Is there a reason why you want to use it now?" As for the last name issue, I'd bring it up directly. "X is my last name - I get the feeling that you either don't know it or don't want to acknowledge it. OK. I'm an adult and I can handle it. But when you omit Stepdaughter's last name, that confuses her and hurts her feelings. Her last name is Y. Please use it."

[eccentriclibertarian]

Oh - and the pronunciation of Magda...is the 'Mag' like the 1st syllable of 'magazine' and the 'da' somewhere between 'duh' and the 1st syllable of 'dahlia'? I don't know how to read, write, or type that international phonetic language alphabet, sorry!

[Diane]

I think the main issue here is the step-daughter's last name. That is probably what stands out here to me as being the most disrespectful. I'm assuming that the last names are coming into play via birthday cards and whatnot that come in the mail? I can't think of times when my extended family has had to use my last name for anything other than that.

The only thing I can ask is how does your husband feel about all of this? In my experiences dealing with in-laws, it seems to be better to let the blood relatives sort things out for themselves. If your husband feels as strongly about this as you do, can he talk to them about this?

[kk]

My husband's "maiden" name is the same as my first name. As a result, there was never any question that I would NOT be taking his last name. It was important to both of us though that we share a last name (and, more to the point, that when we have kids we all share a last name). So we came up with a new last name that is a combination of his maiden name and my maiden name and we both took this new last name as a 2nd last name. So I am MaidenName NewName and he is "Maiden"Name NewName, but aside from legal documents we both use only NewName.

His family is pretty traditional, especially when it comes to names (husband is named after his dad and grandfather, who were named after their fathers and grandfathers, etc). They FLIPPED OUT when we told them what we planned to do. It caused a lot of drama and hurt feelings on both sides. My mother-in-law tried to convince me to change my first name (yes, really).

For several years after we got married all cards, etc. sent to our house were addressed only to our first names. The post office really doesn't pay any attention and it was, I think, the best that my in-laws could do because they were/are very hurt about the entire name thing. I am thankful that they did not choose to disregard our decision completely by using my husband's "maiden" name on correspondence. Maybe Rumple's family would be willing to just use first names if that is amenable to all. Family can get away with being casual like that, I think.

[Kate]

My data point is that my children have English names (for "administrative" purposes) and Hebrew names (what we call them).

My father insists on calling my daughter by her English name. It's quite close to her Hebrew name, and she knows when she's being addressed (although there was a point during infancy when she didn't respond to it), but it drives me crazy. I tried for a while to correct him, and everyone else in the family calls her by her Hebrew name, but to no avail. For a while I chalked it up to the fact that it has an unusual vowel combo/spelling, but when my stepmom and her whole family (all not Jewish) managed it by her second birthday, I threw up my hands and gave up. He's a wonderful grandfather otherwise, I just don't know what his damage is over the name.

Now we just have to get everyone to figure out that they're spelling my son's [four-letter] name incorrectly.

Anyway, I agree with eccentriclibertarian about the importance of using the stepdaughter's name. For me, part of being in a blended family was maintaining my own name/identity, and that meant having a different last name from my mom, stepdad, and [half]brother. If the people in my life could deal with this in 1985....surely 2008 could be a little more, um, with it?

[kristen]

I agree that people who have experienced name issues are much more sensitive about them than others, similar to someone who has personally dealt with a disability is sensitive to incorrect terminology dealing with that disability.

I hope no one is implying that Americans are the only people that butcher names. I think we all do our best to pronounce names according to our own ethnic naming customs. Out of all of my Asian friends, some of whom have known me for quite a while none can pronounce my name correctly. I know it is not intentional so I try not to let it bother me. I assume I am related to anyone who pronounces my very German last name correctly on the first try. Seriously it's a conversation starter if they do.

We intentionally gave our son a name that cannot logically be shortened and there is no common nickname for because that is a pet peeve of my husband. However some in my family have already found a way to butcher his name. The way I see it we give our children names. What they do with that name is up to them. When my son is old enough to have a preference of names I will go to bat for him with the family. Until then I politely correct mistakes and ignore intentional butchering.

I think Moxie put it best in that last paragraph. You can always just tell the kids in a loud voice "Crazy old Grandma isn't trying to hurt your feelings. She just can't ever keep names straight anymore" :-) And if she is trying to hurt feelings then I think it probably goes way deeper than a name.

[dee]

yeah, seriously what is it with people and names. I did not change to my husband's name when we got married, which still (5 years later) seems to confuse people. That was my preference at the time but if he had strongly wanted me to change it I would have. However, his opinion was I fell in love with FirstName X, not FirstName Y.

Now we have a 3 yr old and everyone assumes that her last name is the same as her dads. It's not, her last name is hyphenated MyLastName-HisLastName. We wanted her name to reflect that she was and is a joint effort. She also thinks it's pretty cool that she gets to have the same name as both of us, ie. I'm 'X' like mommy and 'Y' like daddy. It seems to make sense to her because she knows that we are both her parents.

It has definitely been an uphill struggle with our families but I think they're finally getting the point.

The thing that surprised me most was at her daycare. She was registered with her hyphenated last name but when they started talking about last names, they referred to her by only her Father's last name. This actually really upset her because, like I mentioned, she's pretty stoked about the idea of having both names. In addition to that they also started using a nickname for her (although no shorter, still 2 syllables like her true name) and it didn't help that I really didn't like the nickname.

In the end we decided to fight our battles over the last name and let the nickname slide. Soon enough she'll be at an age where she'll determine her own nicknames.

[Julie]

I agree with all of the above....seems rather passive aggressive to me, and not just clueless, more traditional-background behavior. Because after so many years, it seems to me it should have sunk in unless there was a real effort to keep it from sinking in.

I'm wondering what your husband's thoughts are on all of this - after all, this is his family. Has he addressed it with them? Perhaps that might be something to consider.....though if this kind of behavior is common within his family it's also possible that he has learned to deal with their passive aggressiveness by being passive in his own way.

I like the way people above have phrased addressing it.....but I also agree with Moxie that this is an opportunity for you to model for your kids how to behave and respond when people act like total shits.

[doublejen]

I agree with Diane about the stepdaugter's last name and about having hubby talk to his family about things! I also think that it's hard to quibble about them using baby's formal given name, rather than your chosen nickname...I feel like if it were the opposite (like what Michelle describes), and they were giving her a nickname when you prefer the longer name, it's a little different.

I have a similar last-name problem - I'm hyphenated, MyLast-HisLast, but my husband did not change his name (which is a story unto itself!). Our son (and soon-to-be daughter) both have the hyphenated last name (so it's the same as mine). His immediate family (mom and sister) are generally pretty good about addressing things to The MyLast-HisLast Family or to HisFirst HisLast and MyFirst MyLast-HisLast, but he has LOTS of friends and extended family who address things to Mr. and Mrs. HisLast, The HisLast Family, or even MyFirst HisLast, if it's something just for me. I usually make a snide remark and then just forget about it. As annoying as it is in the moment, I think Mon...I mean Moxie is right - it may be more due to the not getting it and general discomfort with it, rather than something that is intentionally disrespectful.

[Mom2Boys]

I think my head might explode if I had relatives that purposefully called my child a name other than the one he/she answers to - unless they had created their own "pet" name for the child and it was out of total affection for the child. To ignore a nickname that the child responds to (with laughs and giggles!!) in order to use a full given name that has zero meaning to the child- is clearly a power trip thing, conscious or not. I understand in families you have to forgive and forget many things and the dynamics of what works are different for each family and a sense of harmony is essential and what you should strive for. I get it and I do it and I'm pretty easy to get along with - but I would seriously consider drawing a line in the sand about messing with my kid's name in a disrespectful manner. Old and set in their ways is no excuse for being rude. My grandmother is 83 and she managed to get our two last names correct on the address of our Christmas card. Older son’s name is one letter away from being a super common boy name and lots of people mistake it. She knows that it’s one or the other and often asks to see if she’s getting it right. She doesn’t always but at least she cares enough to ask.

Maybe it's because my siblings and I all had different last names and maybe because I'm now in a two last name family and maybe it's the lack of control over something so personal...I don't know.

Maybe you can make a Christmas/Holiday piece of hand painted pottery, a plate with a hand print or coffee mug with a hand print and paint To Grandparent X, Love Nickname. Or a calendar and on each month’s picture have an overlay of Love, Nickname or cross-stitch a pillow World’s Best Grandparent, Love Nickname. Or all three. You get the idea.

[malia]

I have a name-related issue, that involves in-laws. My partner and I are expecting! That's great. But the name issue is already arising. I do not like his last name, never have. His name is a smelly, unpleasant kind of food; my last name is simple and classic. Frankly, I want my child to keep my own last name, but I fear widespread revolt and bitterness from my partner's family, who are already miffed that we've decided not to marry. But, seriously. I can't give my child this last name.

Sorry for the hijack... Any advice?

[meggiemoo]

I can totally relate...we had a dog named Lewis, and my friend insisted on calling him "Louie". This bugged me to no end, and it was just a *dog*!

When I married, I really wanted to keep my last name, but I knew it would cause strife with my old-fashioned in-laws (they already think I'm weird), so I compromised my hyphenating it with my married name. I used that for a few years, and then just got tired of saying it. So now I use my married name.

I can understand Rumple's frustration, and would definitely go to bat for the kids' feelings. For my own, though? I would just suck it up and make sure the correct names are on every return address label of everything I send out.

[Rachel]

Oh I know the feeling! I didn't change my name when I got married earlier this year, and my inlaws still act as if it is a personal affront to them. They never address cards etc. to me by anything other than my husband's name, and bring it up most times we meet (luckily infrequently) as if they hope I will have come to my senses at last! They also can't spell my first name correctly, which isn't hard.

We are having a child next year, and it will have my husband's surname - I'm mildly dissatisfied with this but we can't double-barrel as one of our names is already double, and I don't have anything against the name itself. I opted not to change my name because it just felt completely wrong to me, like losing part of my identity - just a personal thing.
I am learning to swallow my irritation, slowly! I'm very aware of how my child will see my attitude towards that side of his/her family and am really trying to rise above stuff like this.

[Amanda]

My husband's name is "Hicham" (hee-sham)--phonetic French and transliterated from Arabic. EVERYBODY here calls him "Hetcham." Our kids have similary hard-to-pronounce-for-Americans-names, so we just grin and bear it. What is weird for me is that this is the only country I know of where an "i" is not pronounced "ee."

I think naming issues are symptomatic of the post-postmodernist era we are in right now!

[meggiemoo]

I really liked what author Erica Jong had to say on the subject back in the 70s...she didn't want to take her husband's name because that seemed so paternalistic, but then she said that her maiden name came from her father, so that's paternalistic, too.

What would be cool is if we could choose a name together, as a couple when we marry, like one of the PPs did. Never would have worked with my in-laws, though, LOL.

[Joceline]

This definitely sounds passive aggressive to me. I'd take the direct confrontation approach as explained by eccentriclibertarian, at least for the step-daughter's last name.

I have to admit that, despite having my own first name and maiden name butchered my whole life, I have caught myself using the wrong last name for a friend who didn't take her husband's last name because I just forgot. I was quickly addressing Christmas cards or something and realized later what I had done. I felt badly about it, as I'm sure it annoyed her. Maybe the name card idea would be a good one, just so that everyone can see each full name written out in one place.

Good luck!

[Moxie]

I certainly don't think Americans are the only ones who butcher names, but I do think we may have the problem in greater concentration just because there are so very many different kinds of names to butcher here. Other countries don't always have as many cultures and languages and countries of origin all crammed in together.

RE: my name, the first syllable is *not* the same as "magazine" and that's the sound that grates on my ears. But I would correct you twice and then let it slide because I'd rather be your friend than worry about how you said my name. ;-) Both syllables are closer to the first syllable of "dahlia."

[stacy]

My mother does not know how to spell my (married) last name correctly. This drives me crazy. Granted, she has a host of...problems...but a bit of effort to learn my last name might be nice.

It also irks me when people call my son "Ben" or "Benji." And they do it allllll the time. We call him "Benjamin." If he decides to go by a nickname when he's older, we'll support that, of course. But for now, he's Benjamin. Come on. Is it THAT hard to say the two extra syllables?

All that said, in essence I agree with "Monica" up there. I have to make a decision every day, am I going to let these things bother me? Some days I do, but I'm happier on the days that I don't. It's a lot easier to control your reactions than to try to change obtuse people. It may be worth the trouble to try and stick up for the stepdaughter who feels hurt by this - and to point out that she feels hurt by this - but otherwise, it sounds like sheer cluelessness. And there aren't a whole lot of ways to buy a clue for people :)

[Jessica]

We have had a problem for years with my husband's family and my daughter's name. It is a medium-common longish name that has a very common nickname. A nickname that is also used for another much more common name. We NEVER call her by any nickname that is a shortened version of her actual name. Everyone in our family was told of this plan upon her birth and my enitre family and much of my husband's family is very respectful of our choice. However, both of my SILs insist on calling her/giving her mongrammed things, etc. that use a nickname. To complicate matters, they each have chosen their own (different) preferred spelling of the nickname and they have instructed my daughter's cousins to call her by the nickname.

Since I agree that this behavior is a passive-agressive way of acting out about other beneath-the-surface issues that I can never solve, my husband and I have chosen the following approaches to dealing with the problem. Admittedly these all aren't the most mature options, but they make us feel better/smile. 1) We make a big point of saying her actual name constantly in front of them, particularly in lage family goupings. For example, if the offending Aunt says "nickname, come over here" then one of us responds "Yes, FULL NAME, go see Aunt X." 2) We do not publicly correct adults that mis-state her name, but we do correct the child cousins. 3) My husband told the oldest cousin that if he continued to call M by the wrong name, then he would call the cousin a fake name. My husband kept it up for a few months very consistently and now virtually all of the cousins have stopped doing it. Or if they do slip, they correct themselves and apologize (Even though their mother keeps doing it and I know actively encourage their ids to se the wrong name.) 4) We told our daughter to politely correct her Aunts/Uncles whenever she feels like it. My husband wanted to tell her to just not respond to them, but I overruled that idea because it is just rude. Since our daughter actively dislikes the nickname, she will correct her offending relatives most of the time. Also, we don't make her display any of the personalized items she gets with the nickname since she really does not like it and it's not her name!

[Anon for this]

I didn't take my husband's last name, and people in his family address things to Mr. and Mrs. Husband's First Name Husband's Last Name. I don't even get a FIRST name. Drives me totally nuts and makes me feel like I don't exist. Then again, half of his large family didn't send us so much as a card when we got married, so we're not what you'd call close. I do think all this name stuff is a symptom of something bigger. My father-in-law doesn't even know what I do for a living, and we've been married now for six years. There's some backwards (to my way of thinking) gender stuff going on. I try my best to let it roll off me, because it is not worth a fight, and I'd like my son to have a relationship with my husband's family. I do a lot of praying for patience and take many, many deep breaths and long walks when they're visiting us.

I wonder if Rumplestiltskin's in-laws would hear it better coming from their son. My in-laws seem to be deaf to things that come from me, but hear oh, maybe 40% of things that come from my husband. He has a penis and, thus, his voice must be easier to hear than mine.

Yeah, I still need to work on that patience/acceptance/anger thing.

[TodayWendy]

Wow, that sounds so control-freakish and horrible! It is so easy to mess up someone's last name by accident, especially if they're someone who you don't write to very often...but people who are really close and still deliberately doing it wrong...

I like your idea of writing a little note explaining exactly whose name is what, and why. I know I kept butchering the spelling of my cousin's name, even though he kept correcting me, it just never stuck in my head until he walked me through a simple little way to remember (Just take this other name, take this letter out, and you have my name!). And this was someone I really didn't want to upset, but kept doing it every year until he helped me figure it out. It doesn't seem like that's quite what's going on here...but putting it in writing and sending it to everyone...it might get through to at least one of them.

On the nick-name topic, that just seems bizarre that they don't want to use the name that she's responding to. One of my friends decided to call my daughter by an alternate nickname...right up until the day where she started responding to the nickname we were using...and now we're all using the same one. I'd start responding to their snarky comments with something like "Oh, you think *she's* the one who is slow, huh...that's interesting". But I think snark-backs always sound better in my own head, and I can never think of them in the moment anyway.

[eccentriclibertarian]

Oops - sorry for double post. The 1st one didn't show up after a few refreshes, so I figured it was lost in the ether.

@Moxie - M*ah*gda...got it! If we should ever meet in person, I will not grate on your ears! At least, I will not do so when saying your name.

[Cathy]

My step-son has his mother's last name. He will get occasional correspondance addressed to Monkey Dad'sLastName. I'm not sure if he feels strongly about it or not. I think it helps that no one really addresses him the wrong way on purpose - it's more that they think of him as part of our family and forget he has a different last name.

As someone who grew up clarifying "Cathy-With-A-C", I think there's a big difference between antagonizing you and doing it because you don't know any better. It's a good opportunity to coach step-daughter (if you haven't already) on how to broach the subject with her grandparents, explaining that it hurts her feelings that they can't get her name right.

[Imanitsud]

I'm going to go out on a limb and offer very practical hands-on advice here, knowing full well it's just me and worth a grain of salt.

a) ask your husband to speak to his family; he'll have better luck not offending them.
b) try something somewhat non-confrontational, such as email (but email can come across much more harshly than intended so you'll have to load it with all kinds of soft talk).
c) address the issue with a single goal, and state that goal to the people you're asking to change. (So, don't try to get them to understand why you chose your naming scheme, don't try to get them to like it, etc). use language that implies you understand their confusion.
d) offer them a graceful out ("it's not you, it's us. I know we chose something unconventional and you would never have chosen it, but I would be honored if you would show me and our children the respect of at least making an effort to address us by our correct names." but clearly state your desires. Then, conclude with "if you are either unwilling or unable to change this approach, please know that just because I don't fight it doesn't mean I respect your decision."

I don't know you or your family, and only you can know if this would create more problems than it solves. I guess you need to decide if the risk of making things worse is worth it. If it is, then go for it. If it isn't, then be proud of yourself for being the bigger person and move on.

If all else fails, you can start calling them all different names (try using their first and middle names every single time you address them, misspelling their names on envelopes, and making your own nicknames for them. How's that for passive aggressive? Kidding! I kid, I kid!

[Jill]

wow moxie you're nicer than I am. I would totally start mis-spelling all of those IL's names and making up new nicknames for them and then getting all pissed when they didnt' respond to their new names. I might stop short of making up nicknames like "butthead" but I'd want to. :)

I had a friend at work with an unusual middle eastern name, and she always complained about how no one could pronounce it (it actually is pronounced exactly like it looks) and no one could spell it, etc... but then she continually would misspell and mispronounce other peoples' names. Even my friend JENNIFER.. she'd write "Jenn" instead of "Jen".... and it drove Jen crazy. You'd think that if someone has name issues, they'd be on top of other people's names. But not if you're really self-centered I guess. :)

Anyway, I would probably drop a card in with my Christmas cards this year like a "we've moved" type of card that just says "Our Names Haven't Changed..." and list them. Then at the bottom in small print say "It may seem inconsequential to you to use Husband's Name for everyone, but it is confusing to the children, and we would prefer if our correct names could be used on future correspondence... thanks for taking the time, and please feel free to call or ask if you have any questions about how to spell or pronoune any of them!"

[shirky]

my view is that this is one of the things you can't control and can't change and thus..you know...you may need to let it go. It probably is infuriating but you've given them all the info you can give them, they're just going to be like that.

My grandfater tried to introduce the whole family at a big function recently...like he had a microphone and all eyeballs were on us...and he once again fucked up every name. One aunt does take this pretty hard but her tears & admonitions have changed nothing over the years, which is why I am convinced it won't ever change.

[Megan]

Is there a bigger issue than this with the inlaws? Something underlying? I don't know. I didn't change my name but I like my inlaws, think they are just traditional and generally just let it roll off my back. My gut reaction to reading this was... "aren't there bigger things in life to expend so much time and energy getting upset about?" and then I thought maybe there are ... is the fact that they disregard name choices a smaller piece of a bigger picture? Like a general trend of disinterest and disrespect of ALL your family's choices? I hope I'm explaining myself well - in my circle of friends, we often discuss this and even complain about it, but more in a roll your eyes at them kind of way. When things are otherwise good as they are in my family, it doesn't seem worthwhile to make a big deal about it. Good luck to you.

[mamamilkers]

When our daughter's were born my husband and I were not yet married. The girls got my last name, but my husband's last name as their second (and therefor RARELY) used middle name.

I swear every person on my now husband's side of the family still called the girls by my husband's last name. We never corrected it, it wasn't worth the struggle to us.

I totally agree that people will do what they're going to do, and truly if it's really affecting you, then try to help them change, but don't just do it out of annoyance.

OR start calling THEM all the wrong name. I'll bet they'll notice then! ;)

[M]

@ malia - my daughter's father and I were intentionally unmarried when our daughter was born as well. *Everyone* asked if we had plans to marry, but thankfully we only heard of people's serious discomfort with the situation once we did marry years later.
Anyway, we decided to give her his last name, largely I think to ease everyone's discomfort about our being un-marrieds. Also because my last name is weird and prone to nicknames and his is normal (though very very common). But I wanted a part of her name as well, so my last name is her second middle name. It's not a perfect solution, but in our case it seemed the best way to incoporate it, and it can be written out, initialed, or skipped as the need arises. So maybe you could appease your partner's family by putting his last name in that position. Now that she's older, she definitely enjoys that she's got a name in common with each of us! Of course it led to confusion initially, even though we explained it clearly, people would sometimes assume that it was a hyphenated last name.

Regarding holiday cards and name woes: my husband's grandmother has always addressed the cards to Mr. and Mrs. His Name (even before we were married!), and I would complain about her imposing her ideas on me. He would insist that she is just absent-minded and forgetful. This year, he made sure to point out that she misspelled his first name (which is very common and easy to spell!) on the envelope, and that the card inside was addressed to another couple all together!

[Charisse]

oy. As I mentioned in the last name thread, my real name is Cynthia and I was called Cindy as a child; I had one great-aunt who insisted that was the wrong spelling and constantly addressed cards and sent monogrammed gifts (including christmas ornaments and things she expected to see displayed) with it spelled Cyndy. It drove my parents bonkers, but said aunt was also pretty constantly spoiling for a fight in her oh-so-polite passive-aggressive way, so they let it slide. My mom would just about blow up every time something arrived though.

I too have my original last name; Mouse has Mr. C's last name (eh, it's traditional, I figured, and easier to spell than mine). When obnoxious people at company functions call me Mrs. X, I've been known to respond with "it's Y, and it's Ms., but anyway everybody calls me Nickname". (Nice people at company functions just get "oh, call me Nickname".) But family is different.

I like the solution of asking them to address things to everybody's first names if they can't get the last names right--I'd talk to them about it with that as an option. And I'd probably make a special effort on behalf of Stepdaughter, since it sounds like her name and own identity is understandably important to her.

[BethanyWD]

I had no plans to take my husbands last name. NONE. He, however, had plans of his own, and I compromised and hypenated.

From the beginning, however, I decided that my kids would only have my husband's last name - I felt strongly that the hyphenation was a "burden" that I took on, and I didn't want them to deal with it (plus, what if they married a person with a hyphenated last name - they would then be expected to have 4 last names? CRAZY).

I think being generous is good advice. Now that my son is in school, while I fill out all his paperwork with my legal (hyphenated) last name, I'm "Mrs. Dunn" at school. I am fine with that (especially since my maiden name is really hard to spell and even harder to pronounce.

Looking back, I wish I would have done things bit diferently. I would have just added his last name (rather than hypenating), as I think it would have added some flexibility to things. I would have also just continued to use my maiden name ONLY at work. The hyphen seems to drive people crazy with jokes about feminism and other shit like that!

[Mom2Boys]

Right - in general people are going to do what they are going to do...like name their son Adolf Hitler and wonder why the bakery doesn't want to make him a personalized birthday cake.

[karen]

We ran into this same problem with our baby. We loved his name, but didn't like a common nickname for it. The name itself is fairly old-fashioned, and the common nickname makes me think of a 60 year-old man, so I never thought that people would call him nickname. Hubby especially hates the nickname as he had some weird family stuff with it growing up.

All that to say, in utero, EVERYBODY asked if we would call him "nickname". Even after we made our feelings about the nickname clear, people STILL referred to him as nickname. After he popped out, I haven't heard one comment about it and everyone calls him what we call him. It seems we were worried for nothing. Most people will eventually call your kid what you call them and what they call themselves.

I'd definitely let the upset feelings over the hyphenated kids' names go, especially if you're dealing with an older generation. And as for the stepdaughter, probably time to teach her the fine art of rolling her eyes.

[malia]

@megan,
Yes, I agree -- I think the names are just the tip of a much larger iceberg involving in-laws and respect. Unfortunately, the tension between people and their in-laws often comes out in these teeny, tiny, but oh-so-irritating and hurtful ways.

So.. why all this in-law angst? I'm certainly victim to it, and never saw it coming. It's by far the most difficult thing I've dealt with in this relationship of over ten years. We've had our ups and downs, but the truth is that it's never 100% pleasant. I feel guilty, too, realizing that it brings out the worst in me.

[Amanda]

My husband's SIL did not take my BIL's name (my married name) when they married. My MIL (both men's mother) has told me that she intentionally disregards this decision and addresses things to Mr. and Mrs. HisLastName. She has even discussed it with SIL's mother in England and they gleefully conspire in this regard. Whenever she brings it up, I say, "Oh really? I always use her chosen name as a way of showing respect. Hm, do you think it bothers her...?" And I've mentioned that other cultures (even highly traditional ones!) do not have the same naming conventions that we do and it is not expected that the wife will change her name upon marriage. I admire Moxie's grace and forbearance, which is certainly the higher road, but for me, I would need to address it if I had tried to let it go (for years!) and it was still bothering me.

[Helen]

I kept my name because I was too lazy to update every last thing. I was also feeling resentful of his family and their control issues. The child has his last name, but that's because mine only makes sense if you speak Welsh. I am used to knowing it is my turn for something when someone tries to say my name and ends up trailing off and coughing.

I list all our names formally on return addresses, but I am used to getting back a bizarre outcome written on envelopes addressed to us. Some people just go for first names only. Some (older) people go with "The HisName Family." Some go for "The HisName-HerName Household." Some have been perceptive and switched to correct usage after receiving card after card from me with our names listed as we are legally called. If it bothered me, I would have my husband address it, as we have a "we each deal with our own family of origin" rule.

In the case of the child who is bothered, I think you have a great "Gosh, I know it's a mouthful, but do it for the children" angle. If checks or savings bonds or college fund contributions are coming in with the wrong name, that's a huge hassle too. They should be properly addressed on any correspondence directed to them individually. Honestly, with that many names, it is a bit of a chore to fit it on a single envelope, so in that case, would you be mortally offended by first names only or first names plus correct initials for anything short of a formal wedding invite or a subpoena?

Also, change your email address to firstname@mylastname.com or something along those lines, if you don't already use something like that ;) Then they have to type it/watch it pop up in auto-complete. Poke, poke.

[Caroline]

Oh, Rumplestiltskin, my very mature advice is to say "F 'Em" and have a glass of wine. And for whatever it's worth know that you have the support of a whole bunch of us in the same boat. Well, to a lesser extent. Your relatives take the cake, big time. If the crappy behavior is that deep, and has been going on for that long, there's no changing it, and I think your best bet is to protect yourself emotionally in the best way you can.

Oy. Good luck. I'm mad at them now.

[emily]

@Malia - I'm so curious! Is it Herring?

Our troubles are just beginning: I kept my last name, and my elder has it as is one and only middle name. We switched for the second kid. So our kids are Firstname MyName HisName and Firstname HisName MyName. Both last names are longish, full of consonants, and easy to misspell. My FIL - the one who once introduced me as "The future Mrs. HisName" and asked if I was some kind of feminist when I objected - has yet to notice/comment (younger is a baby). Weirdly, it's my mother who has the hardest time with this. She keeps explaining, when, to my mind, our kids have a first name, a middle, and a last. She also had a hard time understanding that I was keeping my name.

Anyway, I'm just venting. I too haven't prepared a non-offensive response (I lock horns with these two figures enough already), but I know I'll have to so am glad to read these.

Oh - incidentally,, I avoided being called "Auntie Em" for years until my nephews figured it out, and I got them to kick the habit by calling them "Nephew Nickname You Dislike".

[meera]

my husbands last name and mine are super complicated so when we had our son we decided to pick an altogether new last name for him (which is a combo of his first name and my last name). Traditionally our families actually use first name as last name (so each generation has a new last name!) and wife takes on husbands first name as her last name. (I didnt) Anyways, i dont know if this soln will work or my son will hate us forever but just wanted to put that out as another data point! So far its okay since nobody calls him by last name anyways.

[Kathy]

I think eccentriclibertarian has the best advice to be upfront and ask directly why they are not using the correct chosen names. It is one thing if someone messes up your name unintentionally. My daughter is Juliana, for example. We pronounce it Julie.Anna but people almost always say Julie.Ah-na even though we always introduce her as Julie.Anna. It think some people just can't hear the difference even though it is obvious to me. But to have your in-laws act so passive-aggressive and controlling and rude is incredibly irritating. I don't know how you could just grin and bear it. I lived with a lady who insisted on spelling my name (Kathy) with a "C" every time she left me a phone message regardless of how many times I left her notes signed with a K. It was clearly a power thing, like you are not important enough for me to bother to learn your correct name. It bugged me, but I only had to live with it for a couple of months. I couldn't have done it for a lifetime. I was just thankful I wasn't her son's girlfriend whose name was Alison, but the lady insisted on calling her Gayle because "it suited her better." Puh-lease!

[cara]

seems like a lot of folks have similar name issues... as someone above stated, i agree, it seems like a lot of passive aggressiveness to me... i'm sorry that you have to deal with it all, especially the nickname thing with the baby and the step daughter's different lastname...

i also wanted to add, i too have name issues, i LOVE LOVE LOVE my maiden name, first and last both begin with C's, my maiden ln is italian and means a lot to me. i kept my ENTIRE maiden name (middle name and all) and just tacked my married ln onto the end of it all.

in regards to pronunciation issues... oh god... my name is Cara, pretty simple right? well... i get Carol 95% of the time. and this ONLY started after i took on my married last name, Rolinson.... (sounds like robinson sorta) basically i intro myself and it sounds like Cara Rarablah... yeah say that to yourself... it's annoying, people somehow hear carole in that whole thing and it makes me crazy... it's almost like they stop listening after i start to say my name. thus no one can EVER remember my name... ever.... it makes me sad that i will have to deal with this for the rest of my life.

i hope you get your name issues sorted out soon.

[Caroline]

Emily, the "What are you, some kind of Feminist?" comment might have caused steam to come out of my ears.

Um, yeah, I AM some kind of feminist.

Pisses me off to no end that that word has been so twisted that now reasonable people, who ARE feminists won't go near it.

[Vanessa]

I'm big on making sure I spell and pronounce people's names right. Like when I was writing Christmas cards I asked my husband if he knew how to spell his cousin's son's name and he spelled it out for me and told me he was 100% sure. I found out the day after I mailed the card that he was wrong. That just drives me insane!
So yes, I understand the whole importance of names, but I think with the whole complicated nature of names and last names and hyphenated names and nicknames instead of full names...I think a little grace needs to be shown to the inlaws. That is seriously one crazy, complicated name issue to wade through and figure out.
And I'll just say it straight out that I think hyphenating last names just makes things way more complicated than it needs to be but that is of course my own personal opinion, I don't have a name that rhymes or sounds ridiculous with my husband's last name so it's not an issue for me.
I do like the commenter who thought it important to have the same last name as her husband and they made up a new last name for them both. Kuddos to her and to her husband for being willing to take this route.
I'd hate to be a geneologist 100 years from now. Sorting through who belongs to what family is going to be INSANE.

[Kristine]

I have been with my husband for 12 years. My FIL STILL does not spell my name correctly. It became and issue when he bought some property in our names. And then we sold it and the paperwork almost had issues.

I have always gone by Kristine, not Kris or Kristi, it bothers me when people shorten my name - or when they misspell it, but I decided long ago that if I wasn't going to deal with that person more than twice, it wasn't worth the effort to make them get my name right. My FIL on the other hand - 11 YEARS, corrected everytime I see it, still does it. It's become pretty clear in the past few years that to him I was always just a vessel for grandchildren anyway. Clearly he had no intention of learning my name.

Anyway, I would continue to correct or at least attempt to open up communication about why they do it.

[sudru]

My inlaws just think they are the bees knees, the complete bees knees. I on the otherhand, DON'T! I didn't take their name when I married their son, in their myopia, they took this as an afront to them, rather than, as I see it, a choice to maintain my name and my identity. They never address any type of card to me with my own name, always my husbands name. Annoying to say the least, but they are not going to change. And really it's their loss, loss of a good relationship with me, the woman their son married. They just don't have it in them, so I say move on. The clincher for me, was after the birth of our son...12 days after the death of my father, with my mother in the hospital...my mother in law came to help for 4 days and left, didn't come back for 6 months. OK...move on!