Q&A: Managing your reaction to danger

"True Christmas confessions" over at my personal blog today. Feel free to submit your own, and branch out to Hanukkah or any other holiday that's on your mind right now.

Kristie writes:

"I think I need a reality check. My daughter is a year old, and I just found out that my parents wanted to buy her a walker* for Christmas. I put an end to that plan, but am now living in fear of what other things people might give my child. All the talk about lead paint and contamination, small pieces that are choking hazards, etc.

I realize that I can't protect her from everything, but I'm starting to get freaked out about everything that could go wrong. Intellectually I know I should just relax, but I'm not sure I can. That scares me, because it makes me feel out of control and almost crazy. Can the readers help?"

* This is the old-school thing that a kid sits in and the feet touch the ground, and it has wheels, so the kid theoretically learns to walk while assisted by the contraption. They've pretty much been proven not to help anyone learn to walk, and to be death traps if a kid wheels to the stairs and then falls over in the walker.

I think the first step is to cut yourself some slack for worrying. As a parent, it's really your job to worry. Evolutionarily speaking, if parents didn't worry, we wouldn't have survived as a species, and a monkey would be typing this column and having a running joke about Trained Human Assistants to replace pacifiers in the middle of the night. (Ah, opposable thumb jokes--Are they ever not funny?) If worrying wasn't hard-wired into us, dingos would have stolen our babies long ago.

So worrying is your job, and it sounds like you're doing a good one! Now, the trick is to make sure it's not getting out of control.

People can give you all sorts of advice and basically blame you for getting into a worry/anxiety cycle, but I think a lot of out-of-control worrying is caused by something being biologically a little off with our bodies. especially at this time of year, it's super-easy to get out of balance. I have a couple of suggestions that should be easy to implement to give you a better body balance so you might be able to assess the dangers more realistically:

1. Stop eating so much sugar. Sugar. corn syrup, et al. really screw with your system by causing glucose/insulin reactions. All that stuff messes with your hormones and causes mood changes and anxiety cycles. It also depresses your immune system pretty seriously, making you vulnerable to illness. If you can keep it at a decent level and only have one Christmas cookie instead of five, you might find you feel better in general.

2. Take some magnesium. Lack of magnesium is a big culprit in anxiety. You can pop some magnesium supplements, but it's actually absorbed better through the skin (the tops and bottoms of the feet are particularly good places) so if you can find magnesium oil and rub it on your feet every night before bed you might notice a big change in anxiety levels. (I order my magnesium oil from Joan at www.health-and-wisdom.com and have had great experiences. Joan's also a font of knowledge about minerals.)

3. B complex vitamins. Excellent for mood. You can buy a bottle of the sublingual drops at any pharmacy or Target for a couple bucks. (They taste like gross orange drink, but do the trick.) If I'm feeling down I can feel my mood lift within 10 minutes of taking some B complex drops. Taking a regular daily dose helps keep me on an even keel.

4. Sleep. Easier said than done, but if you're staying up just because, force yourself to go to bed earlier and you may see a big difference in mood.

5. Hang out with other people who are more realistic about worrying. If you hang out with people who are freaked out about every little thing, it'll rub off on you. So see if you can cultivate some friendships with people who are concerned about safety but not consumed with it. There are lots of us out there.

You notice I haven't said anything about the actual dangers. That's because there are so many of them. You just take each one as it comes and try to strike the right balance between protecting your child and allowing him or her to learn by doing.

Readers, whaddaya got for Kristie?

Comments

[effective nancy]

Here I come from my completely left-field perspective with exposition on Moxie's point #5... The opposing-thumb thing (with fascinating monkey babysitter footage!) is an interesting conceit, because I'll tell you, our non-human primate cousins are champions at child care. I took data studying the different parenting styles of four captive gorillas and their infants, and learned a LOT. You know, when your kid can wobble off the couch and hit the floor 18" down, it's scary. When that fall is 20-30 FEET straight down, it's terrifying. When you're watching someone else deal with that problem, it's very interesting indeed.

The two best moms I studied were both experienced, and in this case, both had young sons. One was hand-reared herself, and had to be taught how to breastfeed her first infant by watching, I kid you not, instructional (human) videos. She tended to be permissive but watchful, and allowed her kid to roam around and fall down and, frankly, hurt himself a bit in some situations, but when holding him at any height above about 2' off the ground tended to keep him close. As he aged, she loosened the leash pretty rapidly. The kid is about 4 now, and is wonderful with the other youngsters and adults in the group.

The other mom was raised by her actual gorilla mother and was rearing her fifth child. Two previous sons died from falls; one daughter had died from an infection; none of the first four had been successfully breastfed because of a supply issue. For this son, she kept him close--so close his sex would not have been known for years except that she's very cooperative with keepers (anything for pickles!). The maximum drop in her habitat was about 20', onto relatively soft bark mulch, but she didn't let the kid roam on his own for a YEAR, and she hardly ever took him with her off the ground. She trusted no one with that baby until she was ready, and he was ready. He's perfectly well adjusted now, and at only 3 is probably one of the most comfortable and confident animals in the group. And of course, she can retrieve him from the back of beyond by signaling that she'll nurse him.

In the meantime, my parents and peer group are all in the "hovering" camp, and my husband and I, for our various reasons, are trying desperately to be more on the "non-hovering" (thanks, Hedra!) side when it comes to basic physical experiences. "The radiator cover is pretty hot, and it'll hurt if you hold on too long." "Last time you did that, you hit your head. You weren't too pleased about it." "I see what you're doing. I'll be here if you need me." These are commonly said to my non-walking one-year-old, who has learnt a hell of a lot of caution from her experiences so far. (Interestingly, she's not a big risk-taker, and she avoids behaviors that lead to discomfort--her best skill these last five months, from her perspective, might be sitting down carefully from a standing position.) At the same time, we're at the doctor (or on the phone) for many an infectious malady; I've graded her toys into play now/play supervised/play next year groups, and allow access accordingly; and I have had no problem getting rid of toys or other objects that I consider too dangerous (e.g. phthalates, PVC). OTOH, the kid's latest non-toy joy is a fundal-height retractable tape measure. (Don't ask.)

I'm a crazy, PTSD-afflicted former perfectionist, and I'll tell you, those gorillas taught me the most about how to prioritize dangers, real and imagined, and how to address them proactively. My mom-peers, my family, my in-laws, and the internets have nothing on those two (hairy) ladies for helping me learn to trust my gut and know what I NEED to do about a safety situation. Sure, it'll be tougher once my child is no longer interchangeable with an infant gorilla, but I've started patterns that I hope will help me develop my priority sets in the future. In the meantime, my kid does admirably well already in just about every situation where she can feel that "rubber band" connecting us, so I feel we're doing all right on that particular front. Now what to do about leaving her *sight*...

[Goddess Babe]

@hedra

Re: Vitamin D, D3 (cholecalciferol) is the type strongly preferred. D2 (ergocalciferol) is much less well-absorbed. Since Vitamin D is an oily substance (a hormone, actually) most "dry" versions are either D2, or according to some sources, degraded D3. Those little liquicap type things or dropper bottles are the best choice.

[No links 'cuz it's an easy Google with many many info sources.]

[Dee]

@hedra Interesting about low response to dopamine being linked to risk taking. I have ADHD (low dopamine), which could explain my non-hovering parenting style.

Does DD get hurt sometimes? Yes. Is it the end of the world? No. I intentionally allow her to explore and understand how the world and her body work. That's what she's supposed do be doing at this age (13 months). I'm the oldest child in my family and my mother was over-protective. I was so afraid of hurting myself that I missed out on a lot of fun, especially sports. DD is my first but part of my relaxed attitude is from really good parenting advice, "treat her like your fourth." Maybe I'm over-compensating based on personal history but it's working for us.

Also, I believe it's every parent's right to choose toys that are appropriate for his/her child.

[akeeyu]

What's wrong with walkers?

American Academy of Pediatrics says:
"Because data indicate a considerable risk of major and minor injury and even death from the use of infant walkers, and because there is no clear benefit from their use, the American Academy of Pediatrics recommends a ban on the manufacture and sale of mobile infant walkers."

With regards to supervision:
"Adult supervision also cannot be relied on to prevent infant walker-related injuries. Moving at more than 3 ft/sec, an infant can be across the room before an adult has time to react. In one study, 78% of children were being supervised at the time of the injury, including supervision by an adult in 69% of cases."

And for good measure:
"One study that evaluated children between 6 and 15 months of age demonstrated that walker-experienced infants sat, crawled, and walked later than no-walker controls, and they scored lower on Bayley scales of mental and motor development."

From here: http://tinyurl.com/5hxt7e

And re the "Why isn't someone watching your kids?" question: Because everybody poops, and only two members of the household can do it in their pants.

[akeeyu]

...and I'm all for kids getting hurt while they're learning to walk, climbing trees, playing, throwing blocks at their sister, etc, because hey, getting hurt is a normal part of growing up.

I even emailed my pediatrician when Fitz-Hume was learning to creep and said "So, look, I'm not supposed to be following her around catching her when she falls over, right? Because she seems to be doing fine on her own," and got the response "They will have a million tiny head injuries by the time they're in school. It is not a big deal," so I'm pretty darned laid back.

I just don't want my kids breaking their neck or suffocating against a plastic tray (I have no idea how that works, but it has happened more than once) because of some toy that has already been declared unsafe by a whole lot of pediatricians.

Kids are really good at hurting themselves. They certainly don't need my help in making the situation worse.

[Air Jordan Classic 87]

graduate school, as if she hasn't learned by now that