Q&A: End-of-year gifts for teachers, daycare providers, et al.

This is another one we talk about every year. Last year I made the mistake of rolling it in with a discussion about Santa, so when you read last year's post you'll have to wade through lots of (interesting, but off-topic) Santa-talk.

The stand-out comment from last year's thread was when a teacher said:

One parent actually said to me "You taught my daughter to love reading.....I'm not buying you f-ing soap." and she handed me a wad of money totaling $100.

Then we talked a lot about this idea that cash is somehow tacky, which led to the idea that women (which the majority of teachers and daycare providers are) are traditionally supposed to be "above" cash. And that things we wouldn't hesitate to give cash to men for we give soaps and candles to women for. That's just not right. Women have bills to pay, too.

So I'm going to vote that we stop with the cutesy gifts for women, and go to cash *or* things that really are just symbolic. I can't imagine that a teacher is going to feel bad that you can't afford a cash gift if your child makes a handmade card for the teacher.

Homebaked goods could go either way. Nut allergies? Chocolate aversion? A desire not to overeat? All these things could make homebaked treats not the loving act you intend them to be.

As I'm typing this I think I may be sounding a little like a Scrooge. But I'm think of all the really hardworking moms (many of them) who are teaching our kids to read and use the potty, and what the difference would be for them to be handed money at the end of the year or to go home with scented candles. Only one of those buys new shoes for their kids.

So, can we talk about amounts? Give the situation (daycare, preschool, or elementary school, public or private, how many teachers, where you live, etc.) and what the standard is there.

Also, anyone know what to give NYC bus drivers?? We have a different one in the morning and afternoon, and the morning guy has really gone out of his way to be awesome in several dimensions.

Comments

[Bobbi]

I am a SAHM to 4, ages 9, 7, 3 and almost 2. I am having a rough time with figuring this out this year. My older 2 go to parochial school and my 3 year old attends prescool there 2 mornings a week. I pay tuition for all 3 and staying home, the budget is tight. My 3 year old has 2 teachers, my second grader has a teacher and 2 aides, and my fourth grader is transitioning to middle school, so she has 4 teachers. I usually end up writing notes with a small monetary gift card, but where do you stop? I don't want to disclude the aides, as I feel they work almost as hard as the teacher. And with my oldest, she has a homeroom teacher, but that isn't her only teacher. I might lose my mind when all 4 of them are older - where should the line be drawn? Is it better to give more to fewer, or less to more?

They do so much. And teachers at my school do not get paid very well. I just wish I could do more...

[Katie]

Ohio college town. My husband teaches and has summers off, I work full year. Kids are still has sitters a few days a week during the summer.
Daughter 6 in parochial school kindergarten- There are 2 kindergarten classes and the teachers switch classes so it is equal time. Each teacher is getting $20 to Panera. The Administrative Assistant and Principal are each getting $10 to Panera, and the Extended Day head teacher is getting $10 to Panera. The college girls that help at extended day and recess are getting personal pizza coupons sold as a fundrasier.
The Panera gift cards ( and many other gift card presents this year) are part of the SCRIPTS/TRIPS program with daughters school. We buy the gift cards through the school and a small percentage is a discount on next years tuition.
Son 3.5 in preschool program at University- His teacher was also daughters teacher. She asked that we bring in items for http://hannahssocks.org/. I will do that but already had a $10 to Panera card for her so will give that as well. I have given extra craft items and spare boots and winter wear over the years. When all 3 kids are done there I expect to have a big family gift.
Son 6 months at home day care. Older son attends in afternoons after morning preschool. Our sitter is just fantastic. Her daughter was married this summer and our gift to them was the wedding photos (we have a side wedding photo business). I can't afford to give an extra weeks pay but I will be paying her full amount for short weeks around the holidays as well as $40. We also paid her the full week of Thanksgiving. Before I sold off much of my scrapbook supplies I let her and her daughter take what they wanted.
Her notes to us during the holidays are so wonderful I want to send her one as well.

[Bobbi]

Oops - north Chicago 'burbs...

[Shandra]

No no, I meant it honestly. I can't think of a man I would give a cash gift to. We own our home and when we've tipped (which is supposedly against the rules), we've given Tim Horton's gift certificates to our postal worker and garbage pickup guys.

I'm still not sure what we're doing at our daycare this year. When I had a nanny I gave her two weeks' pay because I was her employer. At our daycare the staff get those two weeks off, and last year we did $25 certificates... for 8 staff... which felt like a lot.

[caramama]

DC suburbs, 21 month old, nanny cares for in our house.

We are giving her one week's pay, which is hefty. Even though we are tight for cash right now, we still do really well overall. My nanny is going to college at night, and we know she could use the money. Also, I randomly think about that comment from last year that Moxie quoted all the time. I just believe in monetary tips and will likely always give those. I will also give her some of the holiday cookies I make every year.

@Anna - I love the idea of an Etsy-wide gift certificate! That would be so useful. You should suggest it to Etsy!

@Shandra - We do cash for the male postal worker and trashmen. But as I said above, we are cash givers.

[Mom in France]

Man, I would LOVE to give a cash gift! So easy. Nice card, trip to the ATM and done. However, that is just considered so tacky here in France that I could never never do it. So I'm still stuck searching for non-cheesy ideas.

[nora]

Another high school teacher here, and by this point I don't get a ton of gifts (with each kid having a coach, and an advisor, and 7-8 teachers, that's a lot for a family to deal with, I totally understand and I didn't give teachers many gifts at Holiday season when I was in school) but when I do I really appreciate heartfelt notes and gift cards. The school here is very close to a B&N, and as an English teacher, I can always find a use for a book gift card. Coffee cards are nice, too, and I take them with me when I travel to get a special treat if it's a sbucks card.

[Anna]

@Moxie-"Why is it different for a teacher or daycare provider, who works just as hard?"

I guess I DO see what our daycare provider does as different from being a doorman or even from my job, profoundly so, and want to recognize her in a meaningful way in addition to giving cash. I think that may be where the hesitation to give cash on the part of some of the givers (and receivers) may come from. Like it or not, we have an oddly intimate relationship with our childcare providers, and it is difficult to untangle our feelings about our children from the professional relationship.

In my case, she took my child from a situation where she was crying and refusing to take a bottle for 6-7 hours straight and taught her to enjoy her time away from me. I mean, money, yes, but holy cow, this woman enabled me to go back to work with joy instead of sadness and is one of the biggest reasons our family functions at all. I feel the need to express MORE than here's some cash in an envelope, thanks.

That said, yes, I am totally on board with cash gifts (in addition to something personal like a card), paid vacations, etc. etc. These people work HARD.

And as M. grows older and goes to preschool instead of getting this one-on-one care, I think the relationship will become more purely "professional" if that makes sense.

I suppose I am uncomfortable with framing this as a woman's work vs. man's work thing: I know plenty of people who tip their bikini waxers (also a traditionally "female" job) a ton and still neglect their nannies!

[Mom2Boys]

8 yr old in public school. 2 teachers.
14 month old in daycare. 2 teachers.

Card with a hand written note of thanks and a gift card inside for everyone. I don't have the time or energy to be more creative than that. Probably $25 for everybody unless I give more to the daycare teachers.

[melia]

I hate to sound like a Grinch, especially on a tangent, but I deal with this dilemma every year, so any insight is appreciated.

December is NOT my holiday season. It's not "that wonderful time of the year," my kids don't get wads of presents from family, I don't take time off to see my family and just revel in miracles or peace on earth. Growing up, my family worked on Christmas, and now, I am one of the few in the office around Christmas and Hannukah since I have no plans to go away. Neither my husband or I get an "end of year" bonus from our employers.

Our holidays fall at other times of the year, and for the most part, we scramble to make those days special while crammed in between school and work. We don't get time off automatically. You have any idea how heart-breaking it is for a little kid to have to make a decision between celebrating a holiday and getting that Perfect Attendance award?

So I shouldn't have to feel like I have to give my mailman, or my child's teachers, or any of the people I work with/for/etc, a special bonus for the holidays. Am I missing the point? I understand wanting to share the happiness of the holiday season with all the people who are wonderful and do stuff for us, but if it's not MY holiday, this becomes a chore, a burden. I understand that a bonus is helpful for people who work "for" me by keeping my children, but not all jobs and professions GET a bonus to begin with.

I read an article recently that said around this time, you are supposed to give bonuses/tips equal to the service. So if you get a $100 facial, you give a $100 tip. If you pay your nanny $800 a week, you give her a $800 bonus. The numbers are insanely high to me, but that's the numbers the parents in NYC seem to be going with. But the even bigger thing that just makes me the green Grinch is that why am I under this expectation that I participate in this cycle? I get that people can use money at the end of the year, but because it's tied to a holiday I don't partake in, it becomes yet another burden. It's hard enough trying to balance the very gift-oriented season with the kids not getting anything, and now having to figure out if my kids will get shortcharged by the teachers (I know they won't, but it makes me wonder) because they were the only ones to not give something for Christmas.

So I am curious: is the expectation that we (the outsiders) have to partake in this ritual?

I know parents who are giving their children's teachers and wine and cheese (expensive wine). And I feel like I have to do something just so my kid isn't the odd one out. But I feel entirely resentful about being placed in that kind of obligatory situation.

[ikate]

Due to a move last year (suburban Cleveland), this is our first holiday at our current daycare, which is part of a Jewish based school (we are not Jewish). Some of the questions I asked when we were looking for daycares were the pay range of the teachers, if they received healthcare coverage and if they got paid vacation days. These were all very important issues to us and since the place we go offers all of this (it IS a few hundred more a month than other daycares) I don't feel the *need* to suppliment their regular pay with gifts as I did at our old daycare. I do however like to make a gesture of kindness during the holiday season and Target gift cards ranging from $10-25 to the teachers and aids is our plan for this year.

[Cloud]

I don't think anyone should ever feel like they HAVE to give a gift or an extra tip at the holidays. I give because I can and I want to. However, when I made less money, I used to be careful not to schedule hair cuts, etc in December because I couldn't afford the extra tip. I think that is sad, but I doubt I'm the only one who did that.

@Perfectly Disgraceful - my Mom taught public school in an area where a lot of the kids were from families that made less than ours did. She did not get gifts from everyone, and I don't think she or her colleagues would have expected gifts from everyone. Some of the families who couldn't afford gifts gave cards, and she read every single one of them and appreciated the kind words as much as the gifts from the wealthier families. And I never, ever heard her say anything that would imply she viewed a kid differently based on what his/her parents did at the holidays. I think the thought would horrify her. Honestly, she always seemed to separate the kids from the parents. She was able to like and appreciate kids even if they had parent who made her life difficult.

@Melia- you make an excellent point. I'd like to think that no one is expecting gifts/tips from you. But realistically- I don't know.

[Jenny]

@iKate, you took the words out of my mouth. We carefully researched pay and benefits of our teachers, and pay extra for it all year, so we know large cash gifts aren't as necessary. My kids are 1 and 3 in Spokane, and we're giving hand-turned (by my husband) wooden pens and handmade (by me!) Japanese washi stationery this year, plus of course thank-you notes.

[Agnes]

@melia - I have to say, for this issue, I sometimes think it would be great to celebrate holidays at a different time. Present shopping - which can be fun - turns into a chore so easily when you've got all the other holiday things to deal with. So if this is the time one normally makes a special effort at your kids' school, well, why not write a note? And if there's another time of year which is "your" time to make a special effort, I can't imagine that anyone would object to a note and present at that time, rather than the "standard" ones.

Another reason for doing things is that it's the end of the year. Presumably you're on the Gregorian calendar! So you can feel free to write a note/send a present that says "Thanks for all your hard work this year!" without feeling you're endorsing a different tradition.

[Anna]

@Jenny-That's your "small" gift? Wow! I am genuflecting before you in awe and wonder...

[artsweet]

The PTA at my son's daycare (NFP child care center - upstate NY) collects a suggested $75 from each family to be distributed as teacher gifts.

At Thanksgiving, on an impulse, I scrawled little notes thanking his two primary teachers and the staff in the late room (sigh) for all that they've done for him and us, with lots of specific details. The director of the center stopped me in the hall to mention how much the teachers liked those. I say this not to toot my own horn, but just to emphasize how much individualized thanks can mean.

I will probably do the same for the winter holidays, perhaps with a gift for the classroom since I know that the PTA is doing gift cards.

[MLB]

@melia - if your issue is doing it at year-end, why not do the same bonus/thank-you/recognition whenever it is you celebrate your holiday? Doesn't that solve the problem? And I know of plenty of people here in the DC area that give their nannies, daycare providers, teachers, etc. Eid presents if the individuals are celebrating that, so I'm a little puzzled as to why the anger over different people's celebrations?

[dieg]

this is timely for me because its our first time. my daughter goes to a daycare center and is almost 13 months old. in the infant center where she still is (until she goes to one nap) there are three rooms and she has gone through all three rooms but has been in this "walkers" room for about 4 months now.

I LOVE her current teachers- one is a college student working her butt off and the other is a mom who gives me her kids hand-me-down clothes. They are genuinely loving and amazing with my daughter. But the adminsitration of hte daycare bugs me- its FOR PROFIT center & they (administration, not teachers) actually asked us to sell some crappy butter-braids (read: bad junk food) to raise money for the teachers bonuses. I was so uncomfortable with this idea because its for-profit and the product was pretty unhealthy AND my daughter is allergic to the eggs in it.

Anyway, I decided that I would give $25 to each of the teachers in her current room and homemade bath salts to the other teachers. I wanted to bake something but I know they are all trying to watch what they eat so the homemade bath salts made sense to me. Or maybe $5 gift cards to the coffee shop across the street instead of bath salts?

hhhhmmmmmm

[Jill]

Moxie, the last I knew, in New York if the gift is over $50 teachers have to declare it on their taxes. I don't know if this is true in other states, but you don't want to try to do something nice and then cause them harm. If you are going to go over that amount, maybe give smaller amounts on multiple cards.

[Andromeda]

Some schools may have policies on accepting gifts (especially if the parents are wealthy and tend to give extravagant things), so do check your own school and make sure you aren't putting the teacher in an awkward position of giving something he or she is supposed to reject.

[liz]

I had MM make a card every year for each of his (daycare) teachers and last year we gave Borders gift cards to his 3 main (kindergarten) teachers. Every year we also give a Harry and David's tower of treats to the whole school staff (daycare/kindergarten).

This year, I'm going to give a Border's card to his first grade teacher and to his two main after-school teachers. I'm thinking of doing a tower of treats to hand to his first-grade teacher to distribute to the specialty teachers he sees once or twice a week.

[Steph]

Suburban Maryland, 16 month old in a toddler room at a daycare center and a 5 year old in kindergarten.

This year I'm giving a "meal". We have a local company that makes all kinds of great jarred foods, and each teacher is getting a bag with: a giant can of spaghetti sauce, a giant can of marinara sauce, a package of Christmas-shaped pasta, and a spaghetti serving spoon thing (what are they called? They have "teeth").

In the past I've done Target giftcards, but my husband came up with this idea this year. Whenever hubby gets involved in this type of thing, I run with it.

[liz]

Oh, and of course, having MM make cards for all his teachers.

[Steph]

"giant cans"? Oops, I meant jars!

[professor mama]

Two sides of the coin here:

As a former public school English teacher, my favorite gifts were ornaments and books. Every ornament I have on my tree now is from a former student. I can almost remember who gave me what, and I love telling my boys about the ornaments and where they came from. And, my students/families could never go wrong with books.

Other side: I'm now a university professor in a small college town in the rural south. My 3yo goes to a Montessori school. The three teachers don't make much and don't get benefits. They have to put up with my DS pooping in his pants everyday. They keep him safe and happy. They're getting $50 each with a handwritten note from me.
(We usually pay off credit cards each month, but we're going to pay the minimum this month so that we can give to the teachers.)

[michaela]

I love this discussion - it's so interesting to read the varying points of view.

My data: 2.5-y.o. girl in large family-run daycare, where she's been since she was 8 months old. Just outside Portland, Me.

Last year we did $100 in Visa cards, split between the two women who run the place, plus some nonperishable homemade goodies. This year, we've decided to spend the same amount of money - which is 1/2 a week of tuition - but split it up into 4 gift certificates to local businesses: the bakery, the bookstore, the pizza place and the community center (pool). We've gotten to know our providers - who are a couple - really well in the last year, and know that they use & enjoy these places. They're also huge "buy local" supporters, so this feels right.

Also, FWIW, we pay for vacations & holidays - it's the daycare policy, which I completely support. (They set the days in advance for the year ahead.) I have heard some other parents grousing about paying for those days, and I just don't get it - yes, it's a hassle to find care/rearrange work for those days - but if anyone deserves paid vacation time, isn't it childcare providers?

[sheSaid]

I am sorry this is related but not on topic. You mentioned that women are supposed to be seen as above money... I think that is also true of things women do. We are expected to donate our skills and time but for more 'male' work no one expects that. I am a graphic designer and everyone always acts like I should donate my services, or are shocked at my rates, but when my husband works on a computer or does more 'tech' stuff, people pay VERY well.

I didn't really think about giving anything to our daycare.... he's in a montisorry school in the infant room and there 4-6 people in there. The only thing I could think of is food, I can't get something for everyone... but dietary restrictions? Oh My!

[Julie]

@melia, I don't think giving a gift around a holiday season you don't celebrate is required. And I don't think it makes you a scrooge to feel resentful because you feel it is implied by society that you should. As a teacher (yes, the one who got handed that surprising wad of bills), I don't expect, want, or need presents around the holiday season. It's a nice gesture that some families do...nothing more than that. I don't think there are teachers out there who are mentally counting up their loot ahead of time with dollar signs in their eyeballs. If you are uncomfortable giving something now, then don't. I think that's fine. If, at the end of the traditional school calendar (May or June for most people in the US), you want to show your appreciation for an outstanding teacher, then maybe that would be a more comfortable time for you to do so, when it's not tied to any religion, holiday, or tradition. Teachers don't keep a tally of who gave what and when. We simply have too much else to do.

And as for going with cash/gift cards versus soap or candles or lotion.....it is true...we get lots of soap, candles and lotion. I didn't re-read my post from last year, but I do know that scent is a very personal thing for many people, and what smells good to someone else may not smell good to me, or vice versa. ANY gesture that involves the child is appreciated - so get your children involved if they are old enough. A note, letter, card, whatever is valued much more than something that someone's mother clearly picked out and when you thank the child for it later they look at you like you've lost your mind because they have no idea what their mom bought for you.

And for those (like us) who are really struggling financially right now.....make a card, write some thoughtful, heartfelt words inside, have your child do the same, and give that. As I said above, the holiday season isn't the only time of year parents typically show appreciation for teachers through gift giving...the end of the school year is another opportunity. And so maybe shoot for thoughtful for the holiday season, and something with a monetary value at the end of the year. IF you feel you want to. Again, it's not expected. Appreciated yes. Expected, no.

Also (could there be more?) if your child has a sh*tty teacher, a basic card (or nothing at all) is perfectly appropriate. Only show appreciation if it is truly deserved.

[Carmen]

My daycare provider is a saint whom I love! We give her $100 cash for her Chistmas bonus and I may still buy her a small friendship gift... depends on if I see anything that screams her name.

(For perspective purposes, we pay 135/week in childcare so we give her almost a week's pay.)

[Mom2Boys]

Hmm...I pay $215 a week in child care not including the bi-yearly supply and technology fees. It's a little more than half of what I'd pay if I had a fulltime nanny, which is why I don't have a fulltime nanny. It really never occured to me to think I should be gifting either of his teachers what would be a week of what I pay the center. And I really can't imagine giving a nanny, no matter how dear, an $800 bonus/christmas present which is what two weeks paid vacation would be. That boggles my mind. I must be the cheapest person on the planet.

[Kate]

Western Mass. Son has been in Montessori pre-school since mid-October. There are 8 teachers in the school, none of which is "his."

Thankfully, the school's December newsletter included a note about not giving gifts individual teachers. Instead, they had a short wish list of things for the school as well as the suggestion that people could donate to a staff dinner.

My son picked the gift that he wanted to give (after deciding against one that he really wanted for himself). We gave the school the cash with a general card thanking them for welcoming him to the school.

He doesn't know the teachers well enough yet to write individualized notes, but we'll definitely do that next year.

[J]

I am in SF and have a toddler in family daycare.

While we are not struggling for $$$, I do pay $325/week in daycare costs and have to take time off during the holiday to care for my child because the daycare is closed. I'm thinking $325 (even split 4 ways, for the owner and her 3 helpers) is WAY TOO MUCH for us to pay in gifts. I think the one week thing makes a lot of sense if you live in an area where you don't pay a ton. Since we are struggling to make ends meet in an expensive place I really hope our daycare provider will forgive me if I don't give the full amount to her and her staff!

Worries aside, here is my question:
in a case like mine, where there is one daycare owner and three young (in twenties) helpers, how do you split it up? The daycare owner takes on the responsibility of scheduling and spends a lot of time with the kids, but the helpers spend MORE time with them. How should I split whatever I can afford to give them?

(oh, and Mom2Boys, we were in a nanny share spending $550/week on daycare plus taxes - the nanny was making $1100 total. part of the reason I made sure we ended the nanny share back in Sept was that I literally could not reason through, in my head, why the nanny who makes as much as *i* do should get an $1100 Christmas bonus for taking care of just two little ones, and having all her meals provided... so I think I win the cheapness award :0) - oh, and lest anyone think I am evil for ending the nanny share, I made sure to give them six weeks notice that I was ending it, and the nanny and my share partner are totally happy with a new family now).

[&BabyMakes75]

Parent of toddler in Montessori, east coast US.

My son's class parents just sent out a note yesterday that they are collecting $15 from each family who wishes to participate for a class gift of a credit card type gift card. That $15 will be distributed to the two teachers. Before I received the notice, I was planning to give $15 cash to each of the two teachers but now think I'd feel odd giving more than the $15 requested. I will use the $15 I'd planned to give to the after-care person. I wish I had the extra cash to bring in bagels for all the staff one day because that is nice, (and cheaper than lunch I think). That sounds like a great idea. Perhaps I could do that in January.

I'm planning to give our 2x/month babysitter either $25 extra cash when she is with us this weekend or a $25 gas card,(I'm leaning towards the cash but it seems impersonal. I'll write a nice note with it so I think that'll help get the impersonal out.) I arrived at the $25 thinking about half a night's pay. (Yes, we pay $10/hour and are typically out about four hours. But she is fantastic so I think the rate is worth it. I actually am rethinking and perhaps he "real" holiday present will be for me to work w/ my husband about how much to raise her hourly wage, perhaps to $11 or $12.)

UPS delivery person? Some years I do, some don't. Typically homemade cookies, not cash, but no time this year to bake.

I'm also a teacher and honestly can say I appreciate the notes more than any gift. But, perhaps more families are in tune with what has been said here, because in the last few years I have gotten more and more terrific gift cards. I am delighted by $5 to a big coffee place or to a bookstore. When my son was an infant, I got several wonderful baby gifts and that was really nice; he still sleeps with one of the stuffed animals a student got him. The larger gifts are a wonderful surprise, (larger ones have been gcerts for manicures or $20 retail store or mall certif.), but I do feel a bit awkward. I am a subject teacher so my students have at least four other teachers in their day. I do not expect gifts since they do have so many teachers but are certainly delighted to receive them.

Feel free to skip the knick-knack-y and candle items, but you should know that many teachers trade them with each other, regift, or put in a drawer. So if you're thinking of whatever is near the checkout for about $5, please consider just a $5 book store gcert or even $3 cash. But if your life is hectic, take that stress out of the equation and do whatever works for you.

I also think that parents can certainly cut themselves a little slack and give a homemade card or gift in January. Perhaps you'll have more time to create something over a Winter Break. And, to repeat what someone said earlier, the present never affects how I treat a child.

Here's to a little hibernation time for all!

[hedra]

@melia, absolutely give at your season of giving, or at an appropriate time in the school calendar (secular style).

I've had more heartfelt responses from teachers and administrators when I've called or sent notes 'outside the rush'. It's one of the things I enjoy particularly, sending a thank-you at a time that is not a collective/cultural-reflex/'traditional' thank-you time. I definitely get a grin out of surprising the administrator or teacher with a note of appreciation. I usually do so in response to the actual feelings - for example, after the first report cards at the NEW school came out, I sent a note of appreciation to the teachers and staff at the OLD school, expressing my gratitude for their collective efforts, and telling them how well Mr G did on the transition.

Even our PTA-collected mid-year gifts are 'at your discretion only' in big letters. They do not keep records of who gave what, it is actually against their rules.

So, don't feel obliged by the cultural tradition. Give earlier, give later, or not at all. Do what is meaningful to you, and that will come through to the teacher.

[A]

Our nanny started at the end of November, so we made the week between Christmas and New Year's unpaid (but she gets 3 paid holidays). I'm happy to give her cash, but I am struggling with how much is appropriate- given the short time she works for us, and she *is* great.

[Mar]

NYC suburbs, two under two at a NFP daycare, with 4 fulltime teachers (Two each). We're doing $25 gift cards for each of the main teachers. My quandary is what to do for the handful of other teachers who have been special for us at various times this year. I suppose a $10 starbucks card with a meaningful thank you note can't hurt.

[Mar]

A - just as I posted my above, I realized I had another problem, which you echoed -- how to tip/gift our babysitter who has a standing gig with us for one day a week? She started in September, has been great, but doubling her weekly pay seems extreme considering she's literally only been at our house some 12 days for 2008. I'm considering adding an extra $50 to her pay (so something less than 1/2 of her normal pay) along with a thank you note/Christmas card. What do you think? A kind of pro-rated approoach>

[Moxie]

Melia, here in NYC I never think of it as Christmas gifts since half the kids in class seem to be Jewish or Buddhist or whatever. I always thought of it as "end-of-year" or New Year gifts.

Anna, a few months ago I walked into my regular shop to get an eyebrow wax and the owner, who is male, waxed my eyebrows because everyone else was busy! I was stunned. And really happy I hadn't needed a bikini wax right then...

And I get your point about wanting to recognize in a "meaningful way." I guess I don't think of cookies or scented candles as a meaningful way. Even though I like scented candles in general. (Which is strange, because I never did while I was married. Go figure.)

Mom2Boys, $215 a week?? That makes me want to cry.

[Zanfirico]

I'm a dead-broke, unemployed single mom whose son is in his first year at a private preschool, thanks to state-provided financial aid. The parent-run school board sent out a note a few days ago stating that "the Board hopes that each family will contribute $50 to purchase gift cards for the teachers." I find that utterly offensive -- $50 dollars is my budget for Christmas gifts for my entire family (including my son) this year, and while I can maybe contribute $5 or $10, I think it's revolting and insensitive to ask for a specific amount. I hate @!#$ing Christmas.

[Eva]

My little girl goes to an in-home place two afternoons a week, and I give the lady (who is on a very restricted diet for health reasons) something expensive she can eat (like avocados and almonds) and I overpay her more than usual (she charges less than five dollars an hour, which is unconscionable considering she is caring for my child); maybe a week's pay extra or so. Plus I write her a nice card and give her a picture of my kid.

[Jen L.]

My little guy's not in daycare yet, but we are giving our favorite babysitter a Visa gift card. She's graduating from college, so she can use the $30 (what she usually makes for a long evening of sitting for us...this is just like a bonus session as her gift) for food, shoes, bills, whatever. We are also giving her a cute framed picture of her with our son taken on Halloween.

Last year, I gave my favorite NYC bus driver $20. (that was what we could afford at the time) I was massively pregnant and he always seemed to get stuck with me on his bus on my way to dr. appointments. He was always so sweet and asked how I was doing and made sure I got a seat and such.

[electriclady]

My 22-month-old goes to a toddler program at a local preschool--it's one morning a week (75 minutes!), parent/caregiver stays with the child the whole time. There are two teachers in the room in addition to the parents. I've been debating what seems reasonable to give--thoughts? (This is in NYC, but not fancy NYC.)

Also, we've had a babysitter two days/week for the month of December. Should I give her a gift too? Again, I'm inclined to say yes because she helped us out when we were in a tight spot and scrambling for care, but I think not as much as I'd tip a regular sitter, right?

[hush]

@Mar & electric lady - re: how/if to tip the new (young adult?) babysitter -- I say YES to tipping if you possibly can afford it. (If you've ever seen the film "My Blue Heaven," think of the scene where Vinnie is trying to tip a flight attendant & says "I tip EVERYBODY." I like it...) If this is to be the beginning of a beautiful friendship, then by all means, give the gift of green if you're able. Like others have said, I think the right way is as a "bonus" payment (in cash or Visa Check Card) in the amount roughly equivalent to what s/he can expect to earn from you on a weekly basis. For us (in the small town NWest US), we pay our 15-year-old babysitter $5/hour per child, and she watches DS once per week. So we'll hand her a cash bonus of $30 (a bit more than one night's pay) on the last night of the year she's going to be working for us, plus we'll send her & her family a Christmas card with a loving note expressing our gratitude to her.

I agree 100% with everything Moxie, sheSaid, & et al have said about "women's work" and the stark gender inequities around income. In so many areas of life, we women are expected to give but not so much to get. We're not supposed to be too ambitious (read: greedy) or show too much leadership (read: bossy). End rant.

I wish we could all finally get over the feeling that cash gifts are "tacky." The good news is that historically, the etiquette rules always evolve a bit around times of social & economic change, just as we are experiencing today. I wouldn't be surprised if this cash = tacky nonsense goes away within the next 25 years. After all, just 25 years ago, gift registries were still considered by many to be tacky, but now most people employ them routinely. Pragmatism usually wins in the end.

Many of the stores whose gift cards we'd like to give might not be in business this time next year. Cash is king, y'all! ;)

[emily]

Here's my advice:

If money is tight this year, skip the candles and lotion and instead, write a note or card -- in addition to saying "thank you," mention at least one thing that was memorable or special or appreciated about the teacher or the class.

I'm a teacher and I have a special box where I keep all the cards students have written me. They are very important to me.

[The Accidental Hausfrau]

Tis the season for this conversation. The moms at pickup were talking about it this afternoon and it was discussed at great length at the last parent-school meeting. In my DD preschool, the homeroom parent takes up a collection ($25 a kid was the suggestion given) and gives the teacher(s) an Amex/Visa gift card. Then, the indvidual families decide what, if anything, they will do themselves. I don't want to give these women food or stuff they don't want so I'm thinking a gift card from a bookstore (that's what I do for our regular sitter).

[LD]

My son is 3 years old and goes to a private preschool in Westchester County, NY. The "class parents" (2 parents that volunteer to help out with certain duties during the year such as calling everyone in the event of a school closing-- I was one of them) usually collect money from all of the parents for a class gift. Last year, we had 3 teachers and 11 students. We collected $30 from each child and purchased $100 Visa gift cards for each of the teachers, along with a small gift and card from the entire class. We are doing something similar this year.

I highly recommend the Visa gift cards from TD Commerce Bank, as they do not charge a fee (Amex and most banks charge a fee of $5-$15 per card).

[Donna]

Practically rural mid-atlantic, one child in a home day care 2-3 days a week. I will give the provider at least one week's pay and more if I can swing it. My family is truly blessed to have found this woman and I cannot put into words how happy I am with the care she provides for our daughter.

[TheLuckyGal]

I personally think of a holiday gift as a little token of thoughtfulness, not as extra remuneration for duties. Not to sound snarky, but these people are paid a wage... granted it is an insufficient one in many situations, but an extra $50 or $100 from me isn't going to close that gap. My approach is, sit on PTA committees and go to school board meetings (and vote) to change policy re: pay, etc. and at the holidays, give a little gifty something. I think baked goods are fine. When I have a party, I get way too many soaps and candles, too - oh well. At least I know my friends / guests were thinking of me. It is a gesture. For teachers, I normally do personalized notepads (www.thestationerystudio.com has a nice selection). Last year, my kid drew a cute portrait of her teacher, so I too a photo of it, uploaded the JPEG to Shutterfly and had a set of notecards made with it. (This is a great grandparent gift, too - photograph your kid's art and make stuff on Shutterfly.) For mail carriers, milk man, etc. I do Starbucks cards. I long ago got over feeling like every present has to be perfect for every person (maybe my milkman hates Starbucks? sorry Jerry!) - it really is the thought, blah, blah, blah.

[ramy]

mid-atlantic college town very near urban areas. 4 year old in ridiculously expensive daycare, but its next to the bus station and incredibly convenient to home.

Last year I gave little homemade wheat breads and 10$ gift cards to the co-op/coffee shop 1/2 block away where many teachers go for a quick coffee. This year I may skip the bread (save sweets for my department's admin staff who are helpful and I know love cookies), and just up the amount of the gift cards a bit. She has 3 teachers, 2 for most of the day and then another who comes in at nap time. I really don't know what the other families do. I pay nearly an extra mortgage for 3 days a week (last year I paid as much as our former rent). I do try to give things throughout the year (notes, homemade jam when DD and I made it, etc).

crud. I forgot the cook. there is a new one, just came a week ago, but my dd is one of the kids with food allergies so I always drop stuff off for the cook at the same time as the teachers. darnit.

clearly I haven't thought this all out yet.

@melia--I'd go for the end of term. I was interested in your post. After watching SuperWhy on PBS this morning actually have Twas the Night Before Christmas as their book of the day--what are those kids who don't have Santa coming to think? And the Jewish kids in DD's dance class--are their parents weirded out by all the Nutcracker hubaloo?

and do I need to give a gift to her dance teacher? its 1x a week for 45 minutes. And its also crazy expensive (and may get axed from the budget next year). I'm thinking she makes a decent amount doing it. but its also a job that I think would cost me heavy in extra booze on Saturday afternoon...

btw (could I use more words?)--I usually give bread to the mail carrier sometime in Jan/Feb. I think they share it at the posta. At least I hope they do, we tend to rotate carriers and I'm never sure who is delivering the mail.

[Erin]

Baltimore.

For my daughter's 2yo preschool class, the class mother sent out an email saying that she would collect money from anyone interested in participating and pool it together for gift cards for the teacher and her assistant. I had no idea how much to send, so I gave $30. I was so pleased that the class mother organized this.