My Q, your A: Kid not liking his name

I was all ready to do something baby-related this morning, but then my older son sprang something on my that's really bugging me. He told me that he wished he had a different name, because he hates his.

Those of you that read my ex-husband's blog know what his name is (I never wanted to post real names, but it was already out there), but for those of you that don't it starts with an R and is a very common, solid name.

Have any of you gone through this? Is it just a feature of the age (almost 7)? Or is this more serious? Is it something that can be solved by helping him choose one of the hundreds of possible nicknames for his name to go by? Or did we actually pick the wrong name?

He told me "We should talk about this later on so we have enough time."

Comments

[zimbabweanjen]

@pennifer
hello fellow redhead Jennifer! I'm 26 but I was born in Zimbabwe where they're a little behind the times...I did notice before there were a lot of Jennifers posting here...
When I was little I would nearly die if someone called me Jenny. I remember telling people not to call me that, they could have Jen and Jennifer but not Jenny. I am not really a Jenny. My mum never stopped me from asking people not to call me Jenny and as I grew up it stopped bothering me so much. I do remember being 7 and thinking of things like this so I think the best thing to do is talk to him and help him figure out why he doesn't like it and what he can do.
I taught English in Korea for a while and the kids all are either assigned English names or choose their own. This was such a strange concept to me but they didn't seem to have a problem with it at all and adapted easily. It was only later that I realised that Korean children don't really call each other by their names so much, it's more "older/younger sister" or "older/ younger brother". Maybe we attach this giant significance to names that doesn't exist so much in other parts of the world. In Zimbabwe most (African) people have a few names which they use interchangeably depending on the situation they're in.

On a final note, I asked a new student in the kindergarten in Korea what his English name was and he replied insouciantly, "Tarzan".
There you go. Total confidence!

[Diane]

This just rings out as normal normal normal to me. I never really liked my name. I'm 27, and I've never met anyone my age with my name. I've met approximately 8,000 Dianas, though. I get called that ALL THE TIME. Probably my biggest pet peeve, but I digress.

This is so common that I can actually remember an episode of Full House that dealt with it. Stephanie (at around this age, I'd bet) was getting called "step on me" at school. So she wanted to change her name. Her dad played along with it, but whatever name she'd come up with, he'd show her how that name could be made fun of too. Not sure why that always stuck with me, but it did.

I remember thinking my name wasn't glamorous enough for a while. Like having a different name would make me a different person. ("If only I'd been named Tiffany, I would be so popular" etc.) I also remember friends with trendier names hating their names for the opposite reason. People with common names hated sounding common and people with unusual names longing to blend in during role call. I think it's really just part of the age. I agree with PPs that you should try to find out why he doesn't like the name before you decide exactly how to approach it. If there are several other Rs in his class, maybe a nickname would solve it. If he feels the name is too "common", is his middle name any more eccentric?

[Joy]

@nej- an exclamation point! That's hilarious!

[Lisa M]

Wow, I can't believe the number of comments of people who hated their names (all around the 2nd grade). I thought I was the only weirdo!

I remember hating my name and all of the sudden I started signing school papers by my middle name, Elaine, without explaining first. So the teacher had to figure out why Lisa wasn't turning in work any more, but this "Elaine" person was.

I started liking my name when I learned that I was named after both grandmothers, just nicknames of both (Elizabeth & Helen became Lisa Elaine).

[Susan]

First of all, I'm delighted to see that one of the previous posters wanted to be a Susan, and had fantasies associated with that name, since that is my name and I have always thought of it as stolid in the extreme. I went through a name-hating faze right around 3rd grade (8 years old for me), and fantasized that I was named Jo-Jo, who was a super-cute and popular girl. So I think it's normal for kids to go through a name-hating phase and must be connected in some entirely normal and healthy way to explorations of identity, etc.

[Amanda]

To all you Katies, you'll love this. Guess what name I wanted when I was little. Yup, Katie. From about 2nd through 4th grade I dreamed of being a Katie...and then, all of a sudden, that just passed and I liked my name. Now, I think it fits me. So, I vote for a phase. (I'm 29, btw).

[Liss]

Names...isn't this a sort of loaded topic? I was a jr. high teacher, I could tell you about names....
As for my name, I had a name that was somewhat popular when I was born (not Jennifer) but I actually didn't run into any other people by that name until jr. high. Then I hung out with two others in high school, two of us had the same last initial, so a friend started calling us (x name)3 (think the cubed/mathematical symbol).
When I was about 7 or 8 I wanted to be named Sunny--my best friend's name at the time. It must be a phase..... I do remember hating being called a shortened form of my name in high school. I felt like the kids who called me that couldn't bother learning what my name was exactly since there were three names that could use that nickname.
My mom's point in naming all of her kids was to give names that meant something and weren't one syllable (she has a one syllable name). Too bad we went by our one syllable nicknames....
As for my own kids, I have given them names that come from the family tree--something that I planned for a long time because all of the boys on my side of the family and my husband's have middle names that come from somewhere in the family tree.
My oldest child (boy) is actually named after my mom. It was a joke--I had no clue of the gender but couldn't think of a boy name. She suggested if it were a boy to name him Jonah as a nod to Joan. I sort of picked out another name but when he came out, he didn't look like the other name at all. So Jonah he is. Of course, it's a sound thing, but he _is_ named after my mom.
Speaking of nicknames, both of my grandfathers had nicknames that had nothing to do with given names: Bob (Raynold) and Phil (James). No clue what was up there.
Oh, the funniest/weirdest name issue was when my husband's brother got married. During the ceremony the names used were their given first names, except that both of them went by their middle names.
I suppose everyone at one point or another wants a different name, but usually if there is real meaning behind why that name was chosen, the person tends to like it more, down the road.

[iris]

I hated my name growing up--it's a traditionally male name but with a slightly feminine spelling. I have only met one or two other females with my name (and sadly, only as an adult--I would have LOVED to know someone else with my name as a child). (Btw, it's not iris.) I also have no middle name and my name can't be shortened to a nickname. I am still not completely in love with my name, but I am really glad to have an unusual name. But, the comment I wanted to make is that my own hatred of my name stemmed from mockery by other kids. Moxie, you might want to consider the source of your son's feelings. If others are making fun of him, that might warrant a different approach than if he simply doesn't feel that it fits him. I wish that my parents had been a little more sensitive to how odd the name was and given me a feminine middle name--I often make one up if I want people to know that I am woman. Iris appears as my middle name on my resume, for example. I still get a lot of mail addressed to Mr....

[Katherine]

Add me to the list of dissatisfied Katies. I was Katie until I graduated high school, and then I insisted on going by my given name, Katherine. I HATED being "Katie" - enough that I spelled it about five different ways throughout school. Once I insisted on being called my given name, my parents said they always figured I would shorten it to "Kate" at some point, which I still don't get. Why did they name me Katherine and call me Katie if they really wanted me to be a "Kate?"

My brother goes by his middle name, always has, because his first name is the same as my Dad's.

I feel your son's pain, take it seriously.

[Matilda]

Growing up, I hated my name since it seemed so dowager-like and bovine. I like it now because it's not common (I have ever only met one other Matilda around my age in 35 years), but as a child it didn't help that creepy (but generally well-meaning) middle aged men would break out into either "Waltzing Matilda" or the calypso song ("Matilda...She take my money an' run Venezuela."). Nicknames never "took" and I especially hated "Mat" since all Matthews were called that (and there were a few Matthews in my classes).

I think Twyla Tharp writes that renaming yourself is a very creative, transformative act: she uses Cassius Clay/Mohammed Ali and her own name as examples. She claims her mother saw the word "Twyla" at a country fair and her mother could imagine that name in lights. It's been a while since I read the book, but I think Tharp writes that renaming yourself unburdens you from your past and looks to the future.

[violingirl]

I think it depends on his reasons- if it's because of an alphabetical order deal where he's not getting to go first or because he wishes for a nickname, it's not such a big deal and he'll get over it.

I didn't like my name for awhile around that age, but I think mostly because I longed for a nickname and you couldn't make one out of my plain name (Dad's choice). After hearing what my mom wanted to name me, I'm glad she didn't get her way!

DH was originally named with his dad's middle name as his first name and a completely different middle name. When he was 4 he told his parents he really wanted to be named after his dad. they waited a year to see if he really meant it and when he was 5 they legally changed his name so that he is now named the II after his dad. This is a really important thing to DH, actually so important that we named our son the III after the two of them. DH goes by his middle name, DS goes by a completely random nickname. He might tell us later that he wants to go by his legal name and that would be fine.

So if his reasoning is solid I think it's okay to consider a change if that's what he wants- maybe picking a nickname will put the whole thing to rest. I do know that it was really hard on my mom when I told her as a 7 year old that I hated my name. Although she was hugely pregnant at the time, so I'm sure that played a part in how upset she was.

[christina2]

Ack! Now I'm panicking because we named our two year old daughter Katrin -- she's going to hate me when she's a tween apparently, even though we don't call her Katie.

And yes, I too hated my name for most of my life, but like christina #1, Tina or (gasp! choke!) Chrissie sounded even worse. I ended up adopting a very unusual nickname given to me by a friend and used that exclusively for my angst years.

Oddly, now I like my name. I think it's one I had to grow into first.

[Sharon aka Mommie Mentor]

Don't have time to read all the posts, sorry if I’m repeating.

Overall seven is a very heady age. The child is doing a great deal of thinking at this age. He takes in all of the peer information he experiences each day and begins to thread it through his life. As a result he can be bold and empowered and thrilled by all that he thinks about. At other times he can be sulky and seem depressed and very dramatic about his life. He has reasons for feeling like his life has come to an end (this is how a 7 will describe his life, they hate me, I have no friends) and no one can talk him out of it. It may because he wasn’t invited to a party or no one picked him for dodge ball or he got the idea that his name wasn’t as good as someone else’s. He is very serious about his body and how it appears to others. He can be very grown up at times and filled with curiosity about the world around him and in the next moment he can seem sulky and withdrawn and then get very emotional when asked why he is so serious.

Here’s a poem written by a 7 yr old child that I found, it describes this age perfectly.
My misery is my mind
And it is my clubhouse too.
And I go up there when I want a hideout
And my little sister comes in my eyes and out my ears
And goes down my misery.

Most 7’s require that you take all of this as seriously as they do, and to a degree you should, just make sure you don’t join them there. There’s such a wide range of behavior at this age; no parent really knows which direction their child will head as they move through this developmental stage. As with any age it is a roll with the punches and support, support, and empower, and empower! This is the age when you begin "pulling it through the brain" as I say. You begin asking more questions than solving things for them. This is the beginning of logical thinking and 7's need help to apply this new type of thinking. This is the time when your conversations begin to show a child how to break down a situation and look at it logically and then make the best decision you can. All parents will work with this part of parenting until a child leaves home.

This is the age when one of my sons came to me and said stop calling me by my full name, no one does that but you and I hate it, then he took a breath and said, please mom.

[Katie in Upstate NY]

I'm a Katie, and my feelings are getting a little hurt! "makes my skin crawl"!! Jeepers. No, really, I'm fine.

As a child, I always thought that when I became a grown-up I would claim my more dignified full name, Katherine. Between jobs at the age of, oh, 24 or 25, I decided to make my move. I changed my resume to Katherine for a big mailing. Shortly afterwards, I saw an ad for my dream job, and one of the adjectives they used was "fun". For that one job, I kept Katie: it just seemed like more fun than Katherine. I got the job and remain Katie to this day.

My daughter Madeleine was Maddie for her first five years. When she met her kindergarten teacher, I (nicely) corrected the teacher b/c she'd posted "Madeleine" even though I'd said in all the paperwork that she went by Maddie. Right there, my daughter insisted that she wanted to be Madeleine from now on. Tolerant with old friends who kept using the old name, she would actually say, "Maddie? There's no Maddie here!" to her father and me.It's been a year and a half and it's still hard for me.

[Katie B.]

"and really wished that my name were Katharine (K. Hepburn spelling!). Can't win."

How funny - that is how my proper name is spelled (I'm 32 for the poll), and while I love it, I'm always misspelled Katherine. Always.

My parents called us by our full names until we decided on nicknames for ourselves, although there were certain variations my mom vetoed. I love being Katie, and almost always have (except for the period where I felt it was juvenile and wanted to be Kate). At the age in question, I was in first grade with 4 other Katies, including one with the same last initial - so while she got to be Katie S, I had to be Katie Sw. I hated it, and tried Kate for a little, but that was too close, so I went with a nickname from my middle name. My mom even got all my school records changed to that! So the next year, when I could be Katie again, it was a pain changing them all back... but worth it. To this day, my family still call me Kate sometimes ("and sometimes Kate the Curst"), and I answer to it easily, but I always introduce myself as Katie.

Matilda - I hear you. I've been plagued all my life by "k-k-k-katie, beautiful katie~". But we took the words and warped them, so it's a touch easier to bear. I still hate that song, though.

I wanted to name a daughter Carolina (to be called Lina, for my great-grandmother) from the time I found out that my little brother was nearly named that. So that's what my daughter is named and called - and if she chooses to be called something else when she's older, that's ok. I'll probably always call her Lina, though. :)

[Sharon aka Mommie Mentor]

P.S. I don't like my name. I can't relate to being called Sharon and never have. My DH asks me what I want to be called, and I have no idea. I just don't relate to who I am being called Sharon. Funny, when I type too fast I spell my name Saharon????

[stacy]

I think this is pretty common. At some point - I think it was 3rd grade - I discovered that my legal name, "Stacy" is thought to be a derivative of "Anastasia."

Well. You tell an 8 year old girl that her name comes from something as exotic and feminine as "Anastasia," and good old "Stacy" sounds pretty dull. I was also big into the Anastasia Krupnik books by Lois Lowry. So of course, I was *convinced* that Anastasia was the name I was destined for.

In addition, I tended to combine Anastasia with my mother's maiden name rather than my own last name. I shared my last name with a dog food company - it has since gone out of business - and was damn tired of kids teasing me about it.

So for me, it was a little bit of both. Normal age appropriate stuff, plus some teasing. It all passed in time. If there had been another option - if Stacy really was short for something else - I probably would have tried on the longer name for a while. But since there was no other option, I just muddled through. I still don't love my name, though.

I never approached my parents about it, but one day my father did come across my notebook where I had doodled my "better name" all over the place. He asked me for an explanation, but never pressed beyond that.

@Diane: I was also going to mention the Full House episode. Corny as hell, of course, but it goes to show how normal this is. Also, I have two friends named Diane, both near my age (30) and they also complain that they get Diana all the time. I blame the deceased princess.

[Jennifer]

I'm another Jennifer born in 1971!

I hated being called Jenny and preferred the nickname Jenn, but I insisted it had to spelled with two "n"s. I also had a lot of Jennifers in my class, and disliked my name for that reason. Now in my circle of colleagues and friends, I don't know any other Jennifers. Isn't that odd? I like my name now. I named my daughter Brigid, but everytime I introduce her to someone they reply back, Hello Bridget. Sigh. I guess I didn't think that through. I'll be interested to know what she thinks of her name as she gets older.

[Katie P.]

I vote for the "it's just a phase." I think it was about that age that I started playing with my name, too: another Katie/Kathryn here. I went by Kathryn for a while, and by my middle name for a while, but always came back to Katie. I even had a teacher mishear me and call me Kate for a while, until I corrected her.

Mostly I didn't like that no one ever spelled Kathryn correctly (and it's still a toss-up), but I got over it. Plus, I'm named for my grandmother, who was named for HER grandmother, so now I appreciate the tradition.

My son goes by his middle name, which is unusual but sounds like a lot of other popular names, because he's named after my father-in-law. My husband also goes by HIS middle name, since he has the same first name as his dad, too. My daughter goes by a diminutive of her first name. I suspect they will both go through name drama, too.

[doublejen]

I totally agree with what others have said about letting him choose something, that it may be a phase, and trying not to make him feel guilty - and try not to feel guilty yourself! I'm agonizing over what to name my daughter (due in ~35 days). We had picked out a boy name and a girl name for our first, and when he ended up a boy, I just assumed we'd use the girl name if our second was a girl. However, the name (Ava - hi Elana!) has spiked in popularity since then, and as a Jennifer born in the 70s (hi y'all!), I'm not sure I want to do that to my daughter. I'm fine with my name now, but I hated being one of a million when I was younger. (I also hated it when people called me Jenny - I'm so not a Jenny! I mostly go by Jen now, and have since grade school.)

We've pretty much decided to go with Ava. For one thing, I still love it, and for another, it's used at about 1/3 the frequency that Jennifer was at the height of that name's popularity (#1 name from 1970-1984, believe it or not!). I figure if nothing else, she can go with her middle name (which will be Lily) or her Hebrew name (which will be Aviva), so she'll have options. Plus, I'll be able to empathize!

Finally, I just wanted to share that my mom named my sister Catherine (she's 27), but nicknamed her Katy. I have *no* idea why she used the C for Catherine but the K for Katy! And then, when my sister was about 8 or 10, she decided she wanted her nickname to be Katie (not Katy). And Katie she is now. :)

[doublejen]

@Liss - my son's name is Jonah, too! He's named in memory of my dad, whose name was Jonathan. I love your story!

[Sarah]

My daughter, who is 4.5, has always said she doesn't like her name. She likes her nickname which is what most people call her. She can read and write her nickname but has no interest in learning her given name and sometimes gets upset when people call her that (although me and her dad do a lot).

It hurts my feelings a bit because I obviously love her name but I love her nickname too. Growing up I always wanted a nickname because my name is so common but I like it now. I don't remember ever expressing such a strong dislike (she may have even said hate a few times) for my name but I respect that she doesn't like hers. I hope she will grow to like it. She has asked that her name be changed to her nickname and I told her when she grows up she can do that if she wishes and until then she can tell people she prefers to go by her nickname.

[pnuts mama]

i'm wondering if he's being teased at school? i remember this age was so bad for obnoxious kids picking on each other for any.little.thing. and perhaps someone harassed him over his name? there's a q&a i've been meaning to send in- how to deal with bullies who pick on your people-pleasing sweetheart of a kid who loves school but is having anxiety over some little sh*thead who won't stop teasing her. sigh. i digress. anyway i could tell you horror stories about grade school teasing/bullying in a magnet class- just cause they're advanced intelligence wise doesn't mean they are kind and compassionate, often the opposite. i've often wondered if the competitive environment almost enhances the hostility.

i'll bet it's a phase as well and he will be happy picking a substitute (either a nickname from his name or middle name) for now until it works out. i love that he wants to talk to you about it- what a great relationship you have with him. is he named for someone? perhaps you could tell him the story of why you and his dad picked his name, and do the research on what his name means, it's history of historical figures, etc.

fwiw, i have a name that is long and formal and i was always called the little girl nickname as a kid. i grew to hate it- it was babyish and seemed attached to a person i didn't like very much, so by high school i introduced myself as a different version of the same name (still a common nickname, but a more mature one) and that has stuck. my family and folks who knew me as a kid still call me the babyish nickname, but obviously by now i could care less since i am an adult and don't focus on crap like that.

i love having a formal name with many choices of nickname (and i insisted we do the same for our kids)- professionally i go by my formal name, and i still refer to myself as my chosen nickname when i introduce myself. except now, of course, i am known as pnut and bean's mommy. sigh.

[heather]

I too disliked my name when I was a kid (definitely around Grade 5, although probably earlier too). I remember disliking Heather because I got teased with rhymes ("How's the weather, Heather?", etc.) and because Heather just doesn't work in other languages (we lived in a non-English speaking country when I was in high school).

My parents said I could choose another name but they would always call me Heather. I tried other names but everyone was so used to Heather that nothing ever stuck. And now, many moons later, I'm happy I didn't change it. Heather is reasonably unique and, at least in the English-speaking world, easy to recognize and pronounce.

Moxie, my point is maybe your son dislikes his name for a very valid reason, like it gets mispronounced by someone he's around frequently or he gets teased about his name (perhaps because of things it rhymes with?). Since he wants to discuss later, perhaps he will tell you why?

[Gabrielle]

I hated my name - especially around that age. Everyone misspelled and mispronounced it and I didn't know anyone with the same name. I LOVE my name now and would be so sad if my parents had given into my whim to change it. I experimented with nicknames a lot and am glad to have left some of them far behind but I still have my name...

[Johanna]

I hated my name in elementary school. I wanted to be either Samantha or Stephanie. Coming up with my own nickname (Anna...creative, eh?) helped, although it didn't stick and I eventually stopped caring. I don't think names are that important in the long run. I would definitely have the conversation with him (I'm sure you're planning to), and tell him something to the effect of: in our country, it is up to parents to pick a name that they love for the child, even before they know anything about their child. Maybe if you and I had been able to pick a name together, it would have been different. But I love your name and it was my responsibility to give it to you. What if we talk about some nicknames that you might like better? And then, when you're older (16, 18?) if you still want a different name, then you'll be able to actually change it!

I haven't read any of the other comments because I don't have much time, so I hope I'm not repeating what someone else said!

[Kate]

@ Katie B: I also grew up with "K-k-k-katie," but only from my grandpa. I didn't love the teasing, but I loved him--I was the only granddaughter on that side of my family and he spoiled me rotten :-)

@ doublejen: This is just FYI. I really liked the name Aviva and considered giving it to my daughter as a middle name (or as a first name for a future daughter). But my Israeli SIL--who we used as a sounding board about our kids' names because we are seriously considering moving to Israel--informed me that as a Hebrew name it's kind of a made up anglicization of a Hebrew name, in that you won't find an Israeli with that name. Boys are named Aviv (although I do know an American-Israeli girl named Aviv), girls are named Avivit.

I was kind of crushed, but it was good to know. Also made up? The name Yonina, which I love. I never would have been allowed to use it, though, because my BIL's name is Yoni. Never mind that Yonina comes from Yonah (dove) and Yoni is a nickname for Yonatan (given by Gd) so they are NOT the same name at all...logic? Not so much.

Although contemporary Israelis sometimes give their kids strange names...kind of like the '70s arrived there 10 years ago.

[Elisabeth]

I think it's just normal at any age -- for that matter, I've never been wild about my given name because it feels very boring. Help him pick a nickname, if he wants, and let it go at that.

[another Sarah]

I’m surprised we haven’t heard from too many Sarahs yet. I was always one of several in my class and for a period from 4th-6th grade, I desperately wanted to be Stacey (thank you, Babysitters Club – as a previous poster noted!). Once I became aware of the book "Sarah, Plain and Tall" I hated my name even more because most of the time I felt, well, plain and tall :) I did try to make Sarah seem less common by spelling it without the “h” for a while.

My tennis doubles partner in high school was also named Sarah so we became Team Sarah. And my roommate/best friend in graduate school? Yup, also a Sarah. We collectively became known as “the Sarahs”… or just by our last names. I also had a nickname version of my maiden last name that I miss now that I am married.

I don’t mind Sarah so much now, though. As it turns out, my first and middle name are after a great-great-grandmother and I like the idea of being connected to family history. My husband wants to name future son/daughter an ethnic Scandinavian name. I have a couple of traditional family names in mind myself. We’ll see who wins out!

[Bethany]

Hi!

I don't have time to read other comments, but just wanted to say that I bet something made him say that. Did someone make fun of his name at school, etc.? My first question would be, "Honey, why do you say you don't like your name?" - esp. since he wants to have plenty of time to talk about this later on - LOL!!

I remember going through a stage like this. Especially if his name is a solid, common name, I think it's just a stage. If he had a very unusual name, he might feel uncomfortable with it in the long run (versus just a stage), but I would highly doubt it with typical name.

Can't wait to hear about that conversation!

[Rbelle]

I'm in the "it's a phase" camp, although it could be a very long phase, and as others mentioned, he might be feeling this way for a lot of different reasons. I think it's important to find out what those reasons are and work to find compromises or nicknames he likes, but I think letting a seven-year old pick an entirely new name is problematic.

Honestly, I read voraciously as a child, and from about 2nd grade to, oh, college maybe, consantly imagined my name was something else. And it all depended on what was popular at the time or what the characters in the books I was reading were called. My mom once told me she'd almost named me Caroline, and I wished for two or three years that she had so I could be called Carly. Now I can't stand the name because so many characters on TV or in movies have it and they're all awful ;)

I'm not saying it shouldn't be taken seriously, but if my mom had called me any of the two dozen or so names I wished to be called or had taken my hatred of my name too much to heart, I might now have a name I hated even more (Whitney; Cordelia; *Philadelphia*). Once I became a professional I really learned to "own" my name, and go by my full name for work, and a nickname with friends and family. Now even if I could I wouldn't change it, because it's who I am. I wouldn't pass it on to my kid, but ... it's my name and it's become just another part of my identity.

And as a little footnote, my "online" name, Rbelle, is an adaptation of my first name (Rebecca) and middle initial (L), and my mom even considered using Rebel as a nickname for me. As a kid, I wished she had, but now I'm glad she didn't. It's a perfectly good online persona, but I can't imagine all my friends and family calling me that today :P

[Clare]

I disliked my name in elementary school as well, mostly because it was constantly misspelled "Claire." And no one had that name, so I felt really conspicuous. Coupled with an ethnic, always-unpronounced-but-really-not-that-hard last name, I was a mess. Then I got married and decided I wanted to keep my name, and now my first name is trendy (though it is still constantly misspelled). Things change!

[Kate]

@ doublejen: Further clarification...I didn't mean to sound judgy at all about the name Aviva :-) (growing up & living in the US I've known several); just wanted to give you a perspective from the other side of the ocean.

[Cloud]

When I was around that age I wanted to change my name to Jesse Jo so that I could be a country-western singer.

Now I wouldn't dream of changing my name, have realized that I don't sing that well, and am not really that into country-western music.

Kids are weird.

[wendy]

Is he too old for the Henkes book Chrysanthemum? We have the scholastic DVD version of it and it's fantastic (narrated by Meryl Streep, I believe).

Might be one way of suggesting that lots of people don't like their names...

[Nella]

Lots of good comments already, but my two cents:

About your son's age I decided I wanted a different name as well. It never caught on, so I gave up.

Same happened with my brother. For months he insisted on being called "Jack" which is nowhere near what his real name is. My mom just went along with it and eventually he gave that up too.

I wouldn't worry about it. I'm sure he'll move onto something else in the next month or so.

[wix]

I would give serious thought to letting him choose a nickname, and if that sticks, maybe consider changing his name. I am keen on taking kids seriously when they present these kinds of concerns (not implying that you aren't - I know there are people who dismiss this kind of thing as a phase/stage and I'm just not that person).

If he is really, truly unhappy with his name, I think it is worth at least entertaining the thought of changing it or going by a variant, along with having a serious three-party discussion as to why you chose the name that you chose and what it means to you and his father. Maybe if he can appreciate the context of the choice of his name, he can make peace with it.

And I also think that the two of you (because I feel like this is an issue you will need to discuss all together) need to try to get as close as you can to why he doesn't like his name - is he being teased? Is it being worked into some kind of obnoxious limerick? Does he feel like he needs a new name because of the circumstances of his new, post-divorce life?

I don't really like my first name, but I love my middle name. I mounted a campaign to go by my middle name, but didn't do so early enough and it didn't catch on with anyone - I'd already known been known to my schoolmates as _____ for many years(plus my middle name is rather unusual). Now that I'm older, I can live with the shortened version of my name, or my nick (long or short), and at this point most friends call me one or the other. I'm still not crazy about my first name, but there are much bigger fires to put out in my life.

[Almost Jennifer]

Funny, I was born in 1971, and my parents *almost* named me Jennifer!

Instead, they went with a name so unusual I don't want to post it (although it's more common in Europe). I've always had mixed feelings - love that it's unusual and memorable, love the name itself. But the misspellings and mispronunciations have driven me nuts all my life (why do corporate emails so often use first and last names?).

When it came to naming our son, my husband wanted an unusual name, but I insisted that it had to be easy to spell and pronounce, too. I think we came up with something great (well, of course *I* do), but it remains to be seen what our now018 mon old son thinks someday....

[Danielle]

@mommie mentor, that is an incredible poem! Way to be in touch with his emotions!

@another sarah, in my extensive personal research, I have found that Stacey is a b- name. Present Staceys excepted, of course. I LOVE Sarah, partly because it's my niece's name.

Personally, I wanted to be Ashley Nicole, and had my Cabbage Patch doll offically renamed accordingly. I didn't know any other Danielles until high school and could never find personalized items like license plates for my bike. Family called me Dani, but being in love with John Travolta and Grease, I wasn't so into that, either.

Now I love Dani (though no one calls me that), and I get pissy if there are other Danielles around - I like being the only one!

All that to say I vote phase, too, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't take him seriously now.

[nej]

@Danielle I forgot about that whole personalized license plate thing! My mom (who named me Nanette in the first place!) used to get me shoelaces, etc with the name "Nancy". Seriously. I wanted to die. Somedays I look back and wonder how I'm not institutionalized...yet!

[Jutta]

In all the years that I have worked with Children (Actually since I was 13, 53 now)most children have complained about their name to me. I remember either complaining out loud/or fantasizing about doing it out loud. Other children made fun of my name, teased me and I so hurt about it.
My son, now 36, was teased about his name and I made sure to name him something that was acceptable in both the US and Germany. Of course, I had no idea that 'Ralf Mouth' would be a character on a sit com.
Most children want to change their names at one point or another. I think it goes along with finding out that one can choose to be whoever one wants to be. "Oh, I can be a SoAndSo. Well, then my name should reflect that" kind of thinking. I may be a little off about the interpretation about this, but I do believe that it is perfectly normal.
I always tell the kids that they can ask me to call them something different and I will try to it. But I so love their name that it may be a little difficult for me to remember the new one all the time. Usually a month at most and we've gone on to a new mane to be tried out.

[Noël]

I had no idea that people with "normal" names hated them!

I'm not born anywhere near Christmas. My parents weren't religious at all. In fact, for a female, my name is spelled wrong. It should be Noelle (and to think my mother actually majored in French). Around Moxie's son's age, I discovered the umlaut over the 'e' and have tried to use it ever since.

One of the problems I have with my name is that I get a lot of mail to Mr. Noel Xyz. And of course I'm often called "Nole" when people first read my name. I'm called Nicole a lot as well.

My son is Noah, and now people get us confused because of the N sounds. He's 2 1/3, but he can't say his name yet. He says "Wah-wah" even though he can say other N words. Maybe that's a sign he doesn't like his name?

Another can of worms of course is last names. My maiden name was easy to spell and pronounce, but I was happy to discard it and its associations. My married name is difficult, but I feel comfortable with it.

[Jutta]

@wix - I would be concerned if a child were to be given the right to change his/her name. I am in the camp that believes that children are given too much choice and too much power too early these days and end up with an insecure and overinflated ego often.
Keeping the name one is given, unless it is so awful that the name itself is abuse, is a good way for children to learn to deal with something that may not always be optimal at one point, but later ceases to be a problem. It gives them the experience to remember: "Ah, I got over that one, too."

[Sandra]

Add me to the list of people who hated their name growing up. If I have to hear "Look at me I'm Sandra D" one more time I'm gonna throw up. My family called me Sandy from the get-go, which I have decided in recent years is not what I want to be called professionally. But I'm having a helluva time making Sandra stick!

Over time, I've decided that I do like Sandra - I can't recall knowing any other Sandras growing up. My husband and I wanted to give our son a unique name that we hoped could still be spelled and pronounced easily. We went with Bryson. I love his name, but rarely call him Bryson. It's Bry or Bug or Boo or Mr. Boo or Boo-Boo McBoodlePants. There have been periods since he's been born (he's 2) when I've wondered whether we made the right choice, though. Bottom line: naming is hard, huh?

I am glad we didn't go with one name we were seriously considering. My husband had put out a suggestion box in his high school classroom when I was pregnant. Husband's favorite submission? "Ram the Destroyer" So if you're in need of nicknames...

One other random comment in this already random comment. This post reminded me of the Simpsons episode when Homer and Marge are thinking back to how they chose Bart's name. Homer is going through the alphabet to figure out whether Bart could be turned into something for which other kids would tease him: "Aart, Bart, Cart, Dart, Eart...Nope, don't see any problems there!"

[Shanna]

I definitely went through a phase for a couple of years, I think around that age, when I wished my name was Rebeccca, nickname Becky. Never got anyone to call me that (I don't even think I asked), but the thought was pretty firmly lodged in my brain, to the point where I don't think I could ever name a daughter that because it's MY (alternate) name.

The middle name option, if he likes his middle (skipping comments here b/c I'm in a rush) is a good one, as is going through all possible nicknames for his first name. He may dislike the latter option, because it just reminds him of his unfavored name. There are also people out there who have nicknames that are completely (inexplicably) unrelated to their real names. I know a guy about 70 years old int his situation - without using either real name, let's say his commonly-used (by EVERYONE, including his wife and coworkers) name is "Bobby" and his real (legal) name is David. Bobby bears no relation to his middle name, his surname - nothing. So your son wouldn't be the first person out there with a left-field nickname, if he so chooses.

Maybe try to find out what aspect of his given name he dislikes, what he is looking for in a name. For me, it was that I wanted something Normal. He may want something more unique. Or something androgynous. Or he may feel like his name has no meaning behind it, or carries too MUCH family history. Depending on what aspects bother him, you may be able to jointly come to an agreement on what he should be called, or else find a way to make him happy with his name as it is. The big catch will be at school - I imagine that teachers are not thrilled with changing the names they call their students mid-year, especially to names that bear no relation to the child's given names. I mean, can you imagine a classroom full of 25 kids all asking to change their names every other week? Unfortunately I have no good suggestions here.

[Lisa]

I have never liked my name, Lisa, because there were a million in my age set and because it never seemed to go anywhere. I am named somewhat after my great-grandmother, Elizabeth. My younger sister's name, Claudia, was more syllables, more unusual, more everything. My two cousins, who I grew up with were Nicole & Danielle. Lisa? Come on, its only 4 letters! On the other hand, there were always those vanity plates with Lisa on them but not Claudia.

I don't know why but early on, I began changing my name. On a trip with my family when I was two, I told everyone on the plane my name was Sylvia. Anyway, once a tween, I went nuts with my middle name, which I don't have officially: Tiffany & Kathryn were some faves. Then at camp, I got everyone to call me Nick (as in Nicholas) when I was 13. That only lasted the summer. Then my pen-name, Isabeau.

At my first job, I told them my name was Lolita. Then it just became easier to insist that people not call me Li (only my sister and dad call me that). Or, the unfortunate Lis, which I loathe. At my last job, there were 3 Lisas.

My husband's name is Matthew, there were a million of those as well. We call our son Chet but named him officially Charles so that he has somewhere to go if he hates Chet. Right now, we all have 4 letter names, even the pets, so I am ok with it.

And this post is rambling because my dad (who chose Lisa) is officially dying again (cancer cell count had doubled) and this is the most supportive online group ever.

[Carmen]

I distintly remember hating my name in Kindergarten (when I had to start writing it on my assignments). I always wanted to spell it with a 'K' for some reason. I'm sure its normal. I love my name now.

[Sandra]

Forgot to chime in with everyone else who said that giving your son some ownership/say in what he calls himself seems important. But I can't imagine that you wouldn't do that anyways.

[Johanna]

@Jutta: I think that's a really good point. I would agree that, at least in my family, that would seem more like assuming that my child wouldn't be able to handle the emotional process of dealing with something they don't like. I think it would teach the wrong lesson, although I can certainly understand the desire to honor kids' feelings.

[Shannon Capanna]

@Sharon, so what do you think a person named Sharon should be like? Because people often call me Sharon by mistake, and I always think that does NOT describe me!

Also on Full House, the alternative name Stephanie chose for herself was "Dawn Arielle Tanner." I have NO IDEA why I remember that, because I think I only saw the episode once or twice. It was the one where they met Annette Funicello.