It's Christmas Eve and that can be a complicated time for families. Especially when you have young children to deal with. So if you need to vent, or ask for help, or want to offer support or funny stories, please post here. (People not having problems, please check in to help people with issues.) I'll be back with a regular topic on December 26.
I'll start with an *extremely* minor quibble: My mom is determined that we're all going to go to the carols service at her church, which kicks off with a bell choir concert. I hate bell choirs (apologies to any readers involved in bell choirs, but they're nails on a chalkboard to me) and really can't do that. Nor can my brother or future SIL. So now we have to figure out how to negotiate that.
Your turn.
@Julia - 15 minutes before you arrived?! What a slap in the face! So sorry to hear about that. FWIW, I know folks who've cut ILs out of their lives over a LOT less than the crap your ILs just pulled. I hope your DH is adept at boundary work!
@Ashramama - I find your story so compelling & dramatic. It doesn't always have to be like this, you know? I wish you healing & peace in your home in '09.
Posted by: hush | December 25, 2008 at 11:12 PM
After the p*ssing and moaning I allowed myself to do in my comment last night, we had a lovely Christmas, P and I. She slept til 7:30, was gratifyingly excited and happy with perfect reactions to really all of her presents, including the childsize MOP and she MOPPED the kitchen floor!
We decided at the last minute to go to dinner with relatives about 2 hours away. Most of these are people I haven't seen for 6 or 7 years, who have never even met P – there is very active Family Tension with some of them.
However we had really a lovely, convivial time, everybody participated in games that were appropriate for a 5 year old, everybody was tolerant of P's meltdown towards the end of the night, so much so that she actually recovered and we were able to part on quite a happy note.
I'm not deluding myself that all is rosy with these people now, or that we will suddenly have warm and rich relationships, but it was a good experience to put in the memory banks, and I feel a little better about myself and them.
Thanks everyone!
Posted by: Maria | December 25, 2008 at 11:34 PM
@Chris: My second daughter is not fond of being held by people she doesn't know well, so I completely identify with what happened with your father in law. My mother in law wanted to hold her after her baptism and I should've said no, but didn't (they live nearby but don't see the kids often, another issue altogether), and the baby ended up screaming her head off, so you definitely did the right thing, even if it was rough on you.
For everybody who's having a rough time this holiday, my heart goes out to you. We're busy, but happy and I feel lucky to be able to say that.
Posted by: Dawn | December 26, 2008 at 02:38 AM
*I* managed to find a replacement bit to cobble together the one big present. Whew. After 2 hours of searching, and poking around in the snow outside. We never did find it. At least DD got her present, which she loves, loves, loves.
Posted by: Two Names too many | December 26, 2008 at 04:24 PM
No specific stories to tell. Only that I will never again spend any holiday in the company of my in-laws. Never. Now that I have a kid, I want his holiday memories to be happy, or at least pleasant. Not wrecked by his brain-damaged, alcoholic, abusive grandmother. We don't have much extended family, so next year I think we'll spend the holidays in an entirely different country, and f**k any consequent family guilt.
Posted by: Laura | December 26, 2008 at 05:33 PM
I am lucky. really. I know this. I do have all my needs and many of my wants. I married a partner who grew up with Christmas as a family holiday but I did not. I adjusted and we embrace Christmas and Santa and presents.
Good peacemaker that I am, I bought many Christmas presents for in-law family this year, including, literally, the turkey, many thoughtful gifts (some higher priced, some not, but all thoughtful).
My gifts? In total = A $5 makeup brush from a drug store and single-serve instant coffee boxes. Yes, I needed a new blush brush and yes, I do use the instant coffee for my 5:30am cup. But... seriously? No other thoughts? Absolutely nothing else you know about me? A book, perhaps? A magazine even? In-law family has known me for more than ten years. Not worth getting annoyed over but I do shake my head.
Oh, and my side of the family's party = filled with plastic trains. After we'd been gently talking for years about how we buy wood or hand-me-down and how we want to be the ones to pick out a great heirloom train set when son is out of toddler-hood. The clothes that were size 2T, (when he is 5T size), were also interesting.
I will not sink into the trap of not being thoughtful for them next year, though. I resolve to stick to doing what I know to do. I will work to keep lowering my expectations in terms of gifts = showing they know me. {sigh}
Posted by: anonrantfornow | December 26, 2008 at 09:24 PM
Since Xmas has passed and I no longer really need to vent about all my crazy family crap, I will vent about my front-yard neighbor. It looks like Chistmas got drunk and puked in her yard. She is one of *those* people that has accumulated a lifetime of plastic holiday crap and insists on covering every inch of her yard with said plastic crap and lighting it to the hilt. It's tough to sleep in our room if she hasn't turned off her yard. Sheesh.
Since everyone is running for Mother of the Year, I nominate my DH for Father of the Year. He was one step behind our 17 month old as he rolled down an entire flight of metal-lined concrete stairs at the ski resort on Christmas Eve. In his defense, our ds is fearless and spirited, and my poor, poor dh was almost in tears when I came in from the arctic almost-too-cold-to-ski slopes and still rehashes the event because he just can't get over it.
@Hedra - how do I find your blog? Need. to. subscribe.
Posted by: nej | December 26, 2008 at 10:41 PM
At in-laws'. Who are lovely people.
Who are insane gift-givers. We opened over 100 gifts.
Posted by: Agnes | December 26, 2008 at 10:43 PM
Hedra's blog:
http://hedra.typepad.com/hands_full_of_rocks/
Thanks for the laughs. We had a very nice and quiet Christmas this year. I'm very thankful for that.
Happy New Year!
Posted by: Lisa in Canada | December 26, 2008 at 11:25 PM
Christmas ended up going well (at least part 1, part 2 is today, at my dad's).
Actually much better than usual. The huge huge blowup a couple years back with the IL family ended up setting off a family therapy session that cleared a LOT of old pain, and set us up to start actually talking about who we are and what we want. For the first time in 16 years, I had a conversation with one BIL that was about more than surface stuff or professional life. We stayed in the kitchen and chatted for over two hours, about family, and our histories, and how we were raised, and the ups and downs of that. And he'd also been very VERY opposed to 'group parenting' in the sense of 'we're all good parents here with similar approaches to our parenting even if the details aren't perfect, tell me your stories, I'll tell you mine, we'll talk about what we've done on X or Y, and if I see your child jumping on the sofa, I'll tell them to stop because we don't do that here, and you do the same for mine.' It was 'if you need to say something to my child you tell me and I'll do it and I would never DREAM of commenting on your parenting that's not my JOB, and I'll neither approve nor disapprove of anything you do (it will just show in the sour expression on my face)' AAAHHHHHH! The other two families are very much on the 'ooh, hey, I like how your kids are behaving on that, how did you teach that?' and 'X, get off the sofa back, you know the house rules'. And this year? THIS year, he shifted totally to 'hey, your kids are great, I like how independent M and R are being, and oh, yeah, that thing they're doing - totally normal, not a problem, they'll outgrow it.' Yeah, all things I knew, but he was communicating about it, which was GRAND. WOO! We've been working on seeing them outside of family gatherings, which has helped a lot, I think.
It was also rather an uncomfortable Christmas in some senses, because two of the grandkids are enlisted - one will be going in as an officer, so she's finishing school (and they're asking her to do grad school as well), so she has a delay before service (no idea how that is structured), and the other is about to go off to jump school for Army Airborne training. Seriously scary. But that's what he's wanted to do for a while, and he is finding it suits him, and he's thriving... I'm not opposed to the service, I just worry about him (since he's likely to end up SMACK in harms way). So that was kind of raw feeling. Good, but raw.
Other events went well, though there was a lot of grumping at my mom's due to the kids trying to race through their gifts - and there aren't many gifts given there. Trying to slow them down wasn't easy. Good conversations again, though, and easy family interactions except around the actual paper-shredding frantic zone.
Not perfect, but all in all, really solid and good.
Posted by: hedra | December 27, 2008 at 05:38 AM
@Chris- Good for you for standing up for yourself! I didn't do enough of that with my MIL when my son was little and we're still having these passive-aggressive fights now that he's a toddler. Over Thanksgiving he had a mysterious high fever (turned out to be Roseola), and my MIL was really pushing me to go out to dinner with the rest of the family and leave him at home with her. I thanked her for the offer, and said that I would definitely have taken her up on it if he were feeling better, but that he was clearly sick (and overtired and in a strange house) and I felt like I should to stay with him. She pulled out the same "So it's really about you, not him" comment, and I had to seriously bite my tongue. This after I had to convince her that no, we couldn't bring him out to dinner when he has a fever of 103.
Christmas was lovely, just the three of us, no stress from well-meaning but overbearing ILs. I highly recommend it.
Posted by: anon | December 27, 2008 at 12:59 PM
I'll try this again, just lost my first attempt.
My mother, who is only grandma to my almost 4 year old, is driving me nuts. Generally a fantastic grandma, and has even been very supportive to me, though was not as a mother to me. I do believe I received my first compliments from her ever, in the last 4 years and I am certain I have overheard her tell my son she loves him (in response only), more than she ever told me, which is never.
Anyway, all that said, I am pretty happy with their whole relationship. What is driving me insane is her disciplining or instructing him in my presence. I give her more latitude in her house or if she has been babysitting him and I arrive to pick him up, that type of thing. But she doesn't even seem to make an effort to back off in my presence. Truth be told, and the really annoying part is I think she is trying to demonstrate "how it's done". Frankly, while I don't mind if that is her choice, I don't seek to learn her whiny style of negotiation with him. Further It bugs me that she doesn't seem to 'get' that the reason I get the most challenges with him is because I am his mother, not because I am less effective than she.
Also she has referred to herself as his mother more than once in my presence. Granted, she does it in a absent-minded automatic sort of way, but she does not catch or correct herself. She is of perfectly sound mind and though she cares for him most Fridays, she certainly is not anything close to his primary caretaker.
The final, final straw was last night leaving a restaurant where first she did not shut the heck up when he stepped off the curb and I was correcting him and later she misunderstood his reaching for her hand to go into the parking lot as a request to go home with her...? It would be fine if he had made such a request, wouldn't hurt my feelings a bit; it was her narcisstic presumption that makes me crazy and the following whiny discussion about how she would see him soon, blah, blah, blah...
In the midst of my holiday meltdown, for which she supplied the final straws, I kept coming to the same question; why oh why am I clearly afraid to address these things with her? I am pretty certain that she would respond appropriatly, though she might not think my complaint valid. That may be the key, if I confront someone, I really want them to see the error of their ways! Ha! Not too realistic I suppose. I am more and more aware of my discomfort with a true disagreement, maybe that is more the issue than the confrontation itself...I believe I need to address the situation because I am feeling like I want to withhold my son from her lately. Not good.
Thanks for the space.
steph
Posted by: steph | December 27, 2008 at 02:50 PM
One of our better Christmases... my mom came down 2 days before Christmas and brought her dog (really her third child). Good on the most part because it is good for the boys to learn how to behave around the dog and also because they really like her too.
That said, we've recently split the boys into 2 rooms (we only have a 3 bedroom home so that means no real guest room - the guest room bed is in S's room) and have been trying really hard to get them to think of it as their own space. We figured my mom would sleep in the guest bed (with the dog) and the other son while S slept in his crib so they could all be in the same room. Well when it came time to go to bed, S freaked out and said he didn't want Grandma to sleep in his room (find out after talking to him it is because he doesn't want the dog in there cause the dog moves around while S tries to sleep) - we tried to talk him into letting Gma sleep there and he really pushed back and was crying and saying it was his choice because it was his room (which I tend to agree with), etc. So we told him fine and we got the air mattress out to put in N's room. After lots of noise with N and S, we finally separated them and put N back in his room (meanwhile it is well past 9 and we are having a horrible bedtime with the boys). My mom was really bent out of shape that she wasn't going to be able to go in and read with the light on since N was in his room (which was now her room too). She really thought she'd be able to go in there while N was awake, turn the light on and read and that N would just go to sleep. I feel bad that we don't have more space for my mom and can't give her her own room but sadly that's where we are right now. It's hard also because bedtime is one of those hot topics between her and I and while she was here we had some doozy bedtimes.
She wound up leaving earlier than she had originally told me but claimed it was to avoid traffic. I really hope it was that cause I'm feeling really sad about the visit and that I handled everything wrong. Not sure what I should have done - put her needs over the boys because of the respect they (and I) should be showing her?
Otherwise, actual Christmas day was amazing. The boys are 3 1/2 and we didn't open stockings until a good 45 minutes after they woke up. We then had a nice breakfast and then started openning the presents under the tree. They would play with their new toy for quite awhile before we moved on to the next thing. We didn't finish all the gifts under the tree (and there really weren't that many) until close to lunch time! Made me happy to see that it wasn't quite the normal frenzy.
ILs came over today and I think overall the visit went really well. Tried to slow things down when they first came in as they wanted the boys to open everything immediately but once we slowed things down, it went really well.
Posted by: mo | December 27, 2008 at 06:36 PM
Well, just got back from visiting my parents for Xmas. And it was, probably for the first time in my life, a disappointment.
It was our first Xmas with the wee one (6 months) and I was looking forward to holiday memories I could look back on with fondness. But, shortly after arriving at my parents, caught my dad smoking in the kitchen with the stove fan on (he smokes outside when we are there as I don't want the little guy exposed to 2nd hand smoke). So, quickly things escalated with my Dad getting really defensive (long story...he's been sick for years and is less and less in control of the things in his life, hence, much more defensive than pre-sickness). It basically ends with my Dad telling me to 'Get the fuck out of his house'. I should point out that my Dad has never sworn at me EVER or told me to get out of his house EVER. I lost it. Hurt, angry, tired from no sleep the last 6 months, tired from the somewhat stressful drive to see my parents -weather wasn't great, annoyed from trying to treat the dog's infection in her paws without enough light (what I was doing before the big fight). I ended up screeching at my father that I couldn't believe he told me to get the fuck out of his house, and if that's what he wanted, fine, we were leaving with the baby.
And the worst part, this all happened in front of the little guy. And my mother & DH (who I'm pretty sure was standing there with his jaw agape). BIG. PARENTING. FAIL. He apparently cried a bit (little guy, not DH). I was so livid with my father I barely noticed. Ran downstairs & called my brother, sobbing, asking if we could possibly stay at their house. I think I scared my brother. I probably sounded like someone died. Of course, I'm kind of coming to my senses thinking it's too much work to load up the car and shuffle the already tired little guy around...perhaps I would give my father one more chance not to smoke inside. Meanwhile, I can hear my mother asking my father what he was doing upstairs and telling him she said he could smoke in the kitchen BEFORE we arrived, not while we were there. DH had escaped downstairs and gave me a much needed hug. Come back upstairs to tell my father it was up to him - we could stay if he did not smoke even once or we would go stay at my brothers and see them for dinner on xmas day. We almost went to blows again when I tried to explain that 2nd hand smoke increases the risk of SIDS. Grumble grumble...He apologized and said he would not smoke.
This little event pretty much ruined xmas for me.
Then I got my period for the first time since DS was born (still BFing so, um, not fair!...but kinda explained my lower back pain).
Xmas day was OK, but we waited around for my bro & sis in law to arrive to open gifts at 3pm. Thought it might be a bit late, but hey, the little guy is only 6 mos - what does he know?! Well, as we did this late in the day, the already small living room was divided in 1/2 (dinner table set up), so we were crammed into 1/2 of the living room, elbow to elbow opening gifts. For some reason it was like speed gift opening - things were flying fast & furious. My dad was holding the little guy while I was opening his and my gifts. My Mum kept handing them over so quickly (there was no space to put them around me) I actually had to tell her to please stop giving me gifts. The noise was steadily growing and the little guy finally lost it and had a meltdown. Hell, I was practically having a meltdown - too much commotion. So off I go to put him to bed. Took a while as he was upset & tired & overstimulated. I come back upstairs - gift giving was over - wasn't even sure if I had opened my gifts. My dad asks me to help my mom in the kitchen. Exhausted I replied that I really needed to take a break & I would help after. Realised at the end we got no pictures of the little one during the gift opening. By then I was in a rotten mood again and had a headache (as did 3 other of the 6 adults in the house). Oh, and the dog ate the baby's spoon. That about covers it. Xmas experience was a mess (usually, I really like Xmas at my parents). But this year, it was just all too much. The crowded house, the blow up with my dad, the hustle and bustle. We're staying home next year. Maybe in 2 years, we'll go back and try everything differently. The worst part is I just finished talking to my Mum and I can just tell that she feels like me having a bad xmas was all her fault. And it wasn't. None of it. Yucky.
Glad to be back home now, but sad that things didn't turn out better this year. Hope one day I'll be able to look back on this and not feel sad.
Thanks for letting me rant. (If parts don't make sense, please forgive me...too tired, and too sad maybe, to re-read this).
Posted by: anonforthis | December 27, 2008 at 07:43 PM
The madness is over, but I spent my holidaze defending my co-sleeping, breast feeding, and basically myself at the in-laws. SIL is a childcare worker and a teacher (who has no kids) and had a solution for everything and everybody. The same SIL who told me to dip pacifier's in honey for my one week old baby. Then that she should cry it out and was manipulating us and being too spoiled.
I hope her kids get botulism.
Then my step mother bought baby a little fugly outfit for summer, which she will fit into NOW. It's -30 outside right now.
Oh, and the gift was written as being from my step sister, her husband, and my dad, but not from her.
Yesterday my dad told us how sick step-mother is and how she only has months left to live, yet she hosted an elaborate celebration with millionaires attending her supper and she can't afford her cancer medication. My dad works 24 hour days to pay the bills and pay for her lifestyle and her medication. Sorry, if I couldn't afford my medication I think I'd downsize my new SUV's and house renovations.
Uh, sorry, but my dying wish and legacy WON'T be $100 G in house renovations and new vehicles.
It wasn't much of a holiday for us. I hadn't seen my dad for a year, and we ended up meeting at my grandmothers house because my step mother was playing hostess to a bunch of people I don't know. How do I tell my dad on Christmas that their two gifts from last year (a microwave and a food processor) never did work.
I know we all have family issues, but I think ours would take up a week of Dr. Phil episodes!
Posted by: bandwidow | December 27, 2008 at 09:37 PM
Sorry for the negativity, gals... I'm not Catholic, but I went to mass on Christmas Eve with dh and I prayed for my step mom to live to see her unborn grandchild (step sister is pg) and then I found out she hosted this whole event on Christmas day and we weren't invited. Earlier this week we were told she was dying (even more than she has for the past ten years) and I felt really bad for thinking evil thoughts. I won't re-cant my prayer, but I don't think it's right to tell people you're dying any day now and then host huge elaborate meals for "friends" and certain family.
Step mom also recently asked my oldest dd in the middle of a shopping mall why *I* never phone her house. Honestly, an eight year old isn't going to know the answer to that question. The last few times I've called to talk to my dad, they tell me he's not home and don't give him the message. We called to tell him about the birth of our baby and my dad was pissed that he didn't get the message. GRRRRR.
Thanks for the vent.
Posted by: bandwidow | December 27, 2008 at 09:46 PM
OK, I used to celebrate a non-religious Christmas with my family but several years ago converted to Judaism. But Christmas still makes me a little bit sad - and my born-Jewish hubby doesn't really understand that at all. And not celebrating Christmas in a non-Jewish community means that we're stuck at home with no where to go and nothing to do - plus a freak winter storm kept us housebound this year for a while. UGH.
Plus, what's up with our non-Jewish friends? We invite them to our Hanukkah celebrations (they look forward to latkes for months), our son's bris, Rosh Hashanna dinners, etc. But none of them bother to invite us to their holiday gatherings. We're not busy and would love the company. Just 'cause we don't celebrate the holiday doesn't mean we don't like good food and fun!
Posted by: new jew | December 28, 2008 at 12:54 AM
Am starting to regret Santa's gift to my 2 and 4 year olds. Thought it was so inspired to get them a set of 130 pieces of fruit/veg/other food and a 130 piece set of plastic kitchenware to go with the wooden kitchen Mummy and Daddy bought. So that's 260 pieces of plastic that I invariably end up putting away after the kids have played with them for 2 seconds ( of course they do 'help', but you can't expect much of a 2 year old). Am I the only parent who flips out every time they so much as look at the box containing all those plastic bits?
Posted by: paola | December 28, 2008 at 07:39 AM
@paola: We have a lot of toys like that (legos, Magna-tiles, kitchen toys)--sometimes the kids are willing to race each other or (rarely) will pick up before dinner with minimal begging.
I have to do a lot of the "games"--pick up 6 green pieces, 5 yellow, etc. Which can be as mentally exhausting as just doing it myself, but I can do it from on high (i.e., parked on the couch).
I have a fair tolerance for clutter, but there are some days when I want to torch the whole house and start over!
Posted by: Kate | December 28, 2008 at 11:58 AM
I need to vent about our 3 year old's sleep. What is up with the 3 year olds and the waking up in the middle of the night and not being able to go back to sleep? WTF people? And we are not the only ones struggling with this issue - many of his friends are pulling this crap too. I am 34 weeks pregnant and I'm sorry, I'm about to lose my shit with ONE child up between 1:30 and 4 AM (with an eventual 6 AM wake up for the day, HOORAH).....I don't even know what I'm going to do when I'm bopping between TWO kids. My husband tries to help, but what to do when ONLY mommy is wanted in the dark hours of the night??? And I don't anticipate him cooperating and saying, "Oh, Mommy is busy feeding the baby right now and can't come cuddle with me? NO PROBLEM! I'll just sit here and wait my turn."
ya, right.
Posted by: Julie | December 28, 2008 at 12:53 PM
We're in the middle of the four-month sleep regression and I'm a total zombie....yet we had 12 friends over last night WAY past the baby's bedtime for a potluck dinner, of which I scarfed a few bites before passing out cause I haven't slept for more than 4 continuous hours all week....so I basically got to stress and cook and clean and bake and stress some more ALL FUCKING DAY LONG only to eat a few bites, say "hello" to people, and then retreat to bed with earplugs cause I'm TOTALLY EXHAUSTED yet I SURVIVED and the family/friend obligations are OVER and I could not be happier. NEVER AGAIN.
(I kept thinking, "When these people have four month old babies, I'm inviting 12 of my closest friends over to THEIR house at 9:30 pm for beer and enchiladas, two fucking days after Christmas.")
Posted by: Andrea | December 28, 2008 at 01:02 PM
I just had to explain to a family friend that my BIL was not coming in to see him and his kids at a playdate they had arranged two days ago. FF had driven an hour in the snow to get there. Next year we are going away on our own, I've effing had it. In fact, I might cancel Xmas altogheter.
Posted by: Anonforthis | December 28, 2008 at 04:35 PM
Seriously, I've had enough. I just had to explain to a family friend that my BIL was not coming in to a playdate. They made the plans two days ago in my presence. FF had driven an hour in the snow to get there. Next year we're going away. FAR AWAY.
Posted by: Anonforthis | December 28, 2008 at 04:44 PM
The in-laws are here for "2nd Christmas", and my MIL made dinner last night. It was chicken, and it was NOT cooked. We all sat there and ate it anyway. I swallowed tiny pieces whole, because I couldn't stand chewing raw chicken flesh. I get the shivers just thinking of it.
Posted by: BeBe | December 28, 2008 at 07:23 PM
There are some seriously horrible stories on here, but my vote for worst story yet is for BeBe and her raw chicken dinner...and I'm the wife of the guy who rolled his kid down the stairs.
I mean, I'm still not over it. Seriously?...raw chicken. Even if it didn't make me sick, I'd puke anyways from the thought of it. You're are a good DIL, BeBe...a good DIL indeed!
Posted by: nej | December 28, 2008 at 08:01 PM
Bebe gets my vote too. Am nauseous just thinking of it!
Posted by: A | December 28, 2008 at 09:13 PM
@newjew - I understand (converted myself) - Christmas is hard for me as I miss all the decorating. Even the decorating I do for Chanukkah doesn't make up for the lights of Christmas. I like to think about all the other holidays that I gain :) BUT you should hint at your friends how nice it would be to have something to do on the holidays. I know I did this when we lost DH's side of the family (dispute) and had no place to go for the Jewish holidays. It's amazing how many friends now invite us to join them!
My rant? I'm 13 weeks pregnant and still can't eat. I'm very grateful to be pregnant (and not bleeding anymore) - but the hyperemesis is getting old. I'm still down 15 lbs and tied to tubes that makes it hard to sleep at night (getting IV TPN/fluids 14 hours a day). Everything I attempt to eat after noon just comes up - and everything I eat before noon makes me more nauseous. And my oldest (5) told me that she doesn't want to have kids because she doesn't want to be sick all the time.
But I'm very lucky that my husband is amazing - that my daughters are healthy and happy. With the weight loss, I'm actually able to feel some movement from this little mouse.
And that this, too, will eventually pass. Can we just make it soon??? I miss food.
Posted by: Toni | December 28, 2008 at 09:22 PM
Chris,
Uh, let me try this without swearing a bunch. It'll be hard.
At the end of the day, screw your FIL. Seriously. He's a grown man, and if he doesn't understand that babies get scared and have stranger anxiety and need Mommy when they cry, he can take a long walk, etc.
Wait, does "screw" count as swearing? Hell.
Here's how we deal in our house:
When one or both of the girls get uncomfortable around someone or wants to get out of someone's lap, I walk over and say "Oh, hey, baby, how are you doing? That good, huh? You want to come sit with me for a few minutes? Yeah? Okay. Come here, baby."
Pick up baby, do not make eye contact with jackass saying "No, no, she's fine, she can stay with me, bla bla bla." Do not engage them. Ignore their protests. Pretend that you are so wrapped up in conversing with your child (even if she is preverbal) that you can't even hear anybody else's voice. TOTALLY IGNORE THE JACKASS. This is key.
Move three feet away/across the table/into the next county, whatever it takes to make the baby comfortable.
After that, I generally say one of the following:
"Oh, you know how kids are at this age. What are you gonna do, huh?"
"Feeling better, Baby? Yeah? That's your (grandma/aunt/hamster) over there. She sure does love you. Did you know that your (grandma/aunt/hamster) once [insert amusing/sweet story here]? Isn't that neat? Oh, look, she's smiling at you!"
"Boy, how about those Mariners? Do they suck, or what?"
I just don't debate this stuff anymore, because...uh, I don't care. Not that I don't care about my kids. I do. I just don't care what other people think about how I'm raising them, so it's kind of a nonstarter.
My fall back is always "Hey, this is how kids are," trying to make the other person feel engaged while respecting my child's boundaries and wow, the Mariners suck.
Posted by: akeeyu | December 29, 2008 at 03:32 AM
Oh, and I learned this the hard way.
The "I did not listen to my instincts and failed to force others to respect my baby's boundaries/temperament and ended up hiding in the CAR with a screaming baby for TWO HOURS while she calmed down. TWO HOURS, PEOPLE" way.
So. Never doing THAT again.
Posted by: akeeyu | December 29, 2008 at 03:39 AM
@anonforthis, next year is 18 months, and after that, you're facing the half-year disregulation stage EVERY CHRISTMAS until about 10 years old (when it stops being quite so calendar-driven). Plan accordingly. Make visits in the summer so they can see the grandkid at best function, too. One of the things the disregulation stage does is utterly wipe out parental patience (especially mommy), mental function, etc (likely through disrupted sleep), so plan for your comfort and capacity, too.
One of the things we've done to help with the structure of the events is to state goals out loud before the event (often on the way). Saying them can help expose a lot of what we're hoping for that wasn't said before, and that would be potentially catastrophic if we were working that angle unconsciously at the same time as the conscious goal. Most of the time the goal is, "the kids have fun, we feed them before they are really hungry, and we help them solve problems before they escalate" - which means that I interrupt my mom's conversation to go snack the kids, etc. BUT, I can do it without being reactive or grouchy myself IF I'm working that goal. If I'm not working that goal, I do it anyway, but I'm unhappy about it, and that leaks to the kids and then the kids get unhappy at each other and... even with one kid (over six months anyway), it transfers. Not that it would have helped your situation this year - it's advice for next time, really.
You're still in the transitional stage of the family, by the way - your parents are trying to transition to being grandparents, and you to a parent with parents. In labor, transition is marked by confusion and doubt, with belief that you can't succeed at this, you want to stop, go home, try another day, quit, whatever. Sound familiar? Because emotionally, ALL transitions work that way. So your reaction is spot-on normal. Things DO mangle at these stages. Nothing flows right, everything is out of kilter, and if you're lucky, the transition is short and can be shrugged off as just an odd few moments. Most people don't end up with just an odd few moments of transition, though.
Read something sustaining, and regroup, and try again for something else. While you're at it, you can try seeing if you can get to the meta-message-out-loud stage with your parents. Your dad likely was in the midst of feeling guilty and blamed for hurting his grandchild, you were maybe in the midst of feeling your parent-role was being ignored in favor of someone else's conveniencce, sometimes just saying those parts out loud can clear the underlying 'I don't feel like you understand' stuff. Sometimes, anyway.
Not like you want to go walk into the mess again, I'm sure. Consider holidays a work in progress. At least this one won't likely be a standing memory for your boyo, and you learned a lot of important things - like pacing is important for the gift opening (this happens with us on a regular basis - one or another family will have one of the speed-opening-over-stimulated-wrapping-paper-flying mad scrambles, and we at least now know to say something sooner rather than later, since we know how it will turn out if we don't say something ASAP. Still *starts* that way every couple of years, somewhere, but ... we know it can be tweaked even mid-scramble).
Good luck for next time. There's a lot to be said for not being in transition the next time you do it, too.
Posted by: hedra | December 29, 2008 at 05:59 AM
My sympathies go out to all who suffered through a less than joyful holiday!
Overall, I will remember this Christmas as a really good one. Some yucky things happened, no communication from my mom or brother or sister and that made me really sad since I reached out to them and they didn't respond. But the bean got to see my 83 year old grandmother and my 63 year old aunt with cerebral palsy (who was released from the hospital Christmas Eve morning) and the visit with them went very well. The bean was so adorable (no tantrums and lots of smiles for everyone) and I know it really brightened their day. I only see my dad twice a year and he came over and spent all day Saturday with us and it was so good to see him.
The best part of all of it – Bean said Mama for the first time on Christmas Day. Seriously, on Christmas Day the kid looked at me and said Mama! The next day he pointed to a yellow ducky said duck and saw a fish made the sign for fish and did a fish face at the same time. Fish face on a 15 month old - quite possibly the most adorable thing ever! So, yeah, it was a good Christmas - even though the best parts weren't all that Christmasy. And too bad for the members of my family that missed it.
Posted by: Mom2Boys | December 29, 2008 at 10:43 AM
What Hedra said. My kids go through the half-year disregulation in the beginning of the winter, just when the weather goes really cold & it gets dark soon after school (so outdoor time to run around is more limited). It's been reflected in my daughter's parent-teacher conferences, and I've tried to explain that it will be better in the spring...but I'm told a whole season a long time to a kid (true), but at the same time some of the things that I know would make it better are not available (we live in NY, not in Florida).
Anyway, anonforthis, don't feel like you have to apologize for putting your baby first.
Posted by: Kate | December 29, 2008 at 11:09 AM
Oh, Christmas.
We had to travel 5 hours to the BiL's house. MiL and FiL were there too. We were supposed to travel on Christmas Eve but couldn't due to a giant storm, so we made the drive on Christmas day. The in-laws were pissy about that, but we weren't going to risk getting stranded or in an accident with two one-year olds.
After an exhausting drive and a questionable lunch in a filthy Burger King (the only thing open on the road on Christmas day), we arrived at BiL's in the afternoon. They spent about an hour with us, and then they LEFT to go to SiL's parents' house for dinner. They hadn't informed us of this plan ahead of time, it was a total surprise. We had two babies to feed and put to bed, so we couldn't go, so they just left us. We ended up eating Christmas dinner alone at my BiL's house after the babies went to sleep. Dinner was leftovers that I'd packed in the cooler for our car trip, since there was nothing in the house prepared for us for dinner. The in-laws didn't return that night until after we'd already went to bed.
Oh, and they'd opened presents without us before we arrived that day. Merry Christmas.
MiL then proceeded to complain about how she doesn't see the babies enough (hint -- maybe if we drive 5 hours to visit with you, you shouldn't then take off for the entire afternoon/evening). The presents were, of course, inappropriate and explicitly counter to what we've communicated we're comfortable with for the kids. The guilt trips were frequent. And on our drive home, our son projectile vomited all over himself, me, and the carpeted floor in the family restaurant we stopped in for lunch.
It's good to be home, and next year we will not be seeing the in-laws for the holidays.
Posted by: albe | December 29, 2008 at 01:39 PM
We had a pretty good Christmas all told, but I want to send out my sympathies to those whose holidays weren't so great. I read through all of the comments here and a lot of them made me wince. I hope you guys all have better holidays next year, whatever you decide to do. This time of year is hard enough logistically; it shouldn't be hard emotionally too (even though it so often is).
Posted by: L. | December 29, 2008 at 01:43 PM
@Hedra and Kate,
YOu mention half-year disregulation which, yeah, I have identified in my 4 year old, but I have also noticed disregulation around birthday time too. 2 year old in a week is pretty all over the place with sleep at the moment (who'd have thought the second year could be worse than the first) and 4 year old in 3 weeks is stuttering heaps, finicky at meal times, and more tantrumy than usual. Am I correct in presuming this will be a regular occurence every December/January????
Posted by: paola | December 29, 2008 at 03:07 PM
@albe - that sounds like the worst Christmas ever! Your ILs sound like they've got absolutely no imagination!
Our "no presents" Christmas with my dad's extended family went really well, turns out that the "no presents" doesn't extend to kids, so everyone went overboard getting stuff for E (2yo), but opening presents wasn't a focus. I remember every Christmas growing up being overwhelming, so I'm glad we're finally moving away from it, although I think my grandmother managed to guilt everyone into secretly giving her presents (I'm supposed to bake her cookies now because I'm the only one who didn't...but I think that getting presents is her way of feeling loved, and being loving...and she's always been generous with us).
The miserable part came the next day which we were going to spend with my mom's family, but E woke up with either flu or food poisoning, and when a 2yo asks to be put back in her crib and spends most of the day sleeping...you sort of want to just go with that. It turned what would have been a hectic day into a very relaxing one, except for the fact that I had a very sick kid on my hands.
It's funny, but I can tell which of my aunts & uncles have been over to visit and which haven't. The ones who have seen our tiny apartment buy clothes and small toys for E. The ones who haven't gave us several large boxes full of small plastic pieces, more than 200 pieces in fact. I'm working at turning "putting the pieces back in the bag" into a fun game.
One last note. If your toddler wakes up in the middle of the night and you climb into bed with her to help her sleep better...double check that someone didn't put her to bed wearing shoes. The "no wearing shoes to bed" rule appears to have malfunctioned last night, somewhere around 2am. I have bruises on my back to prove it. (I failed to notice the shoes until this morning...I was very tired).
Posted by: TodayWendy | December 29, 2008 at 03:14 PM
I have been slowly reading through these today... oh, it's good to have a place to vent, isn't it?
OT, but I wanted to mention that in today's NY Times business section there's a round up of the years best and worst ads and the Motrin-baby-in-sling-as-fashion-accessory got a big raspberry. Rightfully so.
Posted by: rudyinparis | December 29, 2008 at 04:31 PM
Some of you are so funny.
This Christmas was more odd for me than "us". I've just been a huge cranky beeatch. Why my husband can't read my mind, I don't know. And I can only blame man brain for his deeply held belief that an iPhone is higher priority than house repairs. (This is a stretch, but I'm cranky, remember?)
I highly recommend finding ways to not participate in family shennanigans. The last two holiday seasons were the first I've ever NOT spent with the family. I love them, there's only the regular weirdness, but it's quite and peaceful with just DH, DS and I. (Most Christmases historically have had at least one screaming episode, by, yes, me, because I'm treated as some crazy demanding loose cannon, pardon me for trying to keep 84 year old dad from carrying heavy suitcases after surgery, etc. )
Anyway. Not to be *that person* but really this year I'm just thankful warts and all for what I have. I've got friends going through a non-insignificant medical crisis with their 3 year old and it's hard to think of anything else in the big picture.
You are all my favorite moms.
Posted by: rebecca | December 29, 2008 at 04:50 PM
hey everyone- at BIL/SIL's enjoying the internet access and their hospitality while my MIL is suffering a stomach virus, poor thing. we are also trying to re-pay some of the help they have gifted us with coming down so often to work on our house- anyway i am opening both pages of comments and will be reading when i get back to the in-laws when i get the chance!
here is a mini-rant, which really isn't one anymore since it's over and done with and it's almost new years already!:
decided since my husband had to work a 1/2 day (which really turned into a 3/4 day) and the bean was the baby jesus in our children's mass nativity pageant (so freakin cute, really) we'd wait to drive the six hours to the inlaws for christmas break til christmas morning, after we did xmas morning at our own house...thought it would make our lives a lot easier- it was a good plan, in theory...here's where it went wrong:
1. stomach virus the week before xmas descends upon entire family, taking them each down, one by one...precious holiday time spent elbow deep in puke and poop- nothing says holiday cheer like bodily fluids! cut down on our prep time...
2. wedding to go to the 21st of december, wiping out an entire day of prepping for the holiday- a great wedding, but we seriously needed that day...minus one more day to prep xmas stuff...
3. add to that that i am the world's most disorganized person, really, if martha stewart had an exact opposite, it would be me- best intentions and no execution skills anymore, they seem to have abandoned me since i had kids...so maybe i could have gotten it together to leave after opening gifts, but since i was still doing laundry at that time, we weren't packed yet, and follow that chain of chaos...
4. so we never left the house on christmas day til 6pm! for a 6 hour drive! needless to say we had christmas dinner on the road, in the car! it was mcdonalds! for christmas! sigh.
5. but we're here now, the pnut is having a friggin blast with her grandma, the poor bean caught his dad's cold, and i'm enjoying eating my weight in christmas cookies.
we are blessed, indeed.
Posted by: pnuts mama | December 29, 2008 at 05:45 PM
@paola, yes, there can be other standard stages, but they're usually 6 weeks max (especially the ones marked by stuttering) - they're actually (IMHO) a POST-PHASE adjustment, as the mental skills have leapt hard upwards and have solidified, but the physical execution hasn't caught up yet. So you get greater mental dexterity plus same physical dexterity equals ARGH until the physical catches up a bit. At the same time, sometimes on the side-of-brain switches, you'll have a measurable loss of function/skill (slight, and short - again the ~6 week thing), which causes frustration. So you may see that more on some years than others. I recall that happening, but it was really mild for most of my kids (compared to the disregulation, which is HOLY MERRY HECK at our house, perhaps because every blessed one of my kids is born at the same time, three on the same day, the fourth just a couple weeks earlier... so I have everyone disregulating in synchrony... whee? eep!), um, anyway, it looms very small on my mental checklist at this point, and it shows as a kind of grumpy period with clumsiness (and sometimes a growth spurt physically) - more banging into things, falling down, ER visits, that sort of thing. (I'm going to have to check the medical records, I wonder if ALL the major ER visits were at the same time period, about 2-3 weeks after the birthday.)
Posted by: hedra | December 29, 2008 at 05:56 PM
@hedra, paola, kate- i was going to agree that my kid(s) seem to always go through that 1/2 year adjustment phase- birthdays and 1/2 bdays, in a variety of ways- physically, emotionally, intellectually, etc. so mid-summer and mid-winter for us, as well.
for all of you who struggle with family who wants to snuggle and cuddle your kids and they want nothing of it, i've found this to be effective: "well, research shows that little kids who are taught that they are in control of their bodies are significantly less likely to be victims of child abuse. and that, to us, is one of the greatest gifts we can give our kids." i've even gone as far as to remind my husband, who has a hard time not squeezing the pnut super hard sometimes to the point of her discomfort and then will say "i can't help it! i love her so much!" since if she really believes that an adult can't help doing something to her body that she can't stop, she won't try. sorry to be a downer. but man, i take that sh*t seriously!
and finally, yes, we got some craptastic gifts for the kids this year...i know most people just don't get us, and what we want for ourselves and the kids, but we also got some great ones!! so much plastic, such good (and not so good) intentions...ah, christmas, you've won this round...there's always next year!
Posted by: pnuts mama | December 29, 2008 at 06:58 PM
where are the posts moxie/ c'mon. either take down the site and get back to helping mothers and fathers again.
Posted by: mhati | December 29, 2008 at 08:32 PM
@mhati: Seriously?!
Posted by: Kate | December 30, 2008 at 07:28 AM
@mhati, too: yeah, what kate said.
Posted by: Lee | December 30, 2008 at 08:48 AM
C'mon you guys...I'm sure mhati is just joking and is desperately awaiting the next thread like the rest of us. I'm guessing if she really meant it as mean, she'd chicken out and post as anon. Remember, sense of humor doesn't always come across the computer screen, so I'm sure that we're missing something. Either that, or she's just a bitch.
(See, that's funny, but it could be interpreted as mean if you totally miss the humor in it.)
Posted by: nej | December 30, 2008 at 09:05 AM
Thank you for the support, Mom's!
What helped is your stories of what to do now... And what yucky things might happen if I don't. That was the support and ammo that I needed.
Looking back, I'm proud that I didn't back down, and that I didn't drop the eff-bomb. I'm in talks with the dh to begin setting boundaries *now*, unfortunately he doesn't like confrontation and setting bpundaries with boundary-less family will result in confrontation. We're working on it.
Thanks everyone including Moxie, for having this available to us!
Posted by: Chris | December 30, 2008 at 12:22 PM
I had a great (although disconnected from the internet) Christmas at the inlaws.
However, I'm very depressed. The medication and light therapy does not seem to be doing enough, but I can't up the dosage or change meds because of the pregnancy. Some days, I just want to stay under my covers and cry all day. Today is one of those days. I hate the winter.
Posted by: caramama | December 30, 2008 at 01:17 PM
hang in there, caramama. The darkest is past.
I assume you also take vitamin D on top of the light therapy? No idea what the advice for pregnancy is for that, but it does help another little extra bit. (And fish oil, you know about that.)
Posted by: hedra | December 30, 2008 at 03:09 PM
@chris, melody beattie's earlier codependency books may help on the boundary setting.
Posted by: hedra | December 30, 2008 at 03:11 PM
@Hedra, Thanks for the outside & been there done that perspective. Visits with my parents (we've already made several so far as they are only a few hours away) were all good & fairly relaxed (my parents are good about not giving too much advice and letting me do things/parent my way...I've always been an independent kid - they had lots of practice in my teen years!). I think since all of the other visits were fairly smooth sailing (and a nice break for me), I was really thrown for a loop when this visit fell apart.
All the points you make, make sense. I kinda forgot about the 1/2 year disregulation. Our guy is pretty easy going anyhow, and he was actually doing pretty well through the whole visit.
But I think the disregulation is starting to kick in (or reach a max) now...including going board stiff during diaper changes (gawd, just got over the instant crying on change table during the week 26 wonder week fussy period), growling like a dinosaur, pulling my hair hard and all_the_time, and quicker to throw a mini tantrum. Also, I can see now that his mind has made leaps and bounds and his body is struggling to keep up (though I suspect that's not far behind - he rolled over for the first time on Xmas day & seems like he'll be crawling soon).
The biggest eye opener from your post though was to remember about the transition phase, and that my parents are still getting used to the idea of their child being a parent. It's all firsts for us (first grandchild, first kid for us), and we're not spring chickens, so I imagine that it's a jolt to the system we've perfected over the years.
I'm so used to planning, planning, planning now with the little guy, that I think I took a planning vacation while at my parents figuring someone else could do it for a few days. But alas, we now know that the days of winging it are over (at least for a while).
Happy New Year everyone!
Posted by: anonforthis | December 30, 2008 at 04:07 PM