Commiseration/Support

It's Christmas Eve and that can be a complicated time for families. Especially when you have young children to deal with. So if you need to vent, or ask for help, or want to offer support or funny stories, please post here. (People not having problems, please check in to help people with issues.) I'll be back with a regular topic on December 26.

I'll start with an *extremely* minor quibble: My mom is determined that we're all going to go to the carols service at her church, which kicks off with a bell choir concert. I hate bell choirs (apologies to any readers involved in bell choirs, but they're nails on a chalkboard to me) and really can't do that. Nor can my brother or future SIL. So now we have to figure out how to negotiate that.

Your turn.

Comments

[Kate]

Any chance she'd go for something like Handel's Messiah instead? Shame you're not in NYC where there's something Christmassy happening on every block.

So we had an evening planned with the grandparents moving abroad (we eat takeout and play poker on Xmas eve), but my little one has the flu and my MIL cancelled before I could even finish telling her. Later on she offered to take my daughter to brunch tomorrow (nice idea), but I had to have my husband call her back and say that my daughter would probably like to spend time with *both* of the grandparents who are moving. Sigh. We are really going to have to spell this out for them--they are not seeing the forest for the trees.

[MrsHaley]

Why didn't you guys TELL ME last-minute Christmas shopping on Christmas Eve with a 2-year-old and an infant in a driving rainstorm would not end well?!?

Instead, we are all soaked, one gift was purchased and the 2y/o has eaten half an apple core she found in the PARKING LOT! IN THE PARKING LOT!!!! I tried to whirl around to get her to put it down (because, of course, she would not hold my hand without screaming and collapsing into a heap on the (wet, wet) ground). But I was holding a 10-lb bag of QuikCrete (OMG don't even ask why I'm giving someone concrete for Christmas) and the ginormous infant "travel system" seat and so not so fast on the apple core takedown. I grabbed her arm to shake it out of her hand (I was hoping not to have to touch the thing) and she immediately began to howl and collapsed in the middle of the parking lot, in a LITERAL puddle. I had to drag her, LITERALLY kicking and screaming, the last 15 feet to the car, during which time her BOOTS CAME OFF. CARS HAD TO DETOUR AROUND US. Yes, I am the dripping, grim-faced mother you saw in the parking lot with the drenched infant and the wailing toddler WHO HAD NO SHOES ON in the pouring rain (35 deg. F) on Christmas Eve.

Merry Christmas from the Mother of the Year.

[Amy]

Take your iPod to church, and turn on some loud rockin' Jingle Bells during the bell choir thing. :)

Merry Christmas to you!

[Diane]

Nothing to add here, just wanted to say to MrsHaley that I hope things improve soon! Maybe the driving rain washed off the apple core? We can hope, anyway.

Just try to think of how fun that story will be to tell her future significant others!

[Helen]

Oh MrsHaley, all apple cores in parking lots are completely sterile in December. It is one of the many miracles of the season. Now you have to tell us why you are giving someone concrete.

Moxie, you could fake the Norwalk virus?

I got nothing, just waiting for some stock to cook down.

[Kris]

I just dumped 5 lb of flour all over the kitchen floor, had to substitute cranberry sauce for whole cranberries in my pie, the shell of which cracked so now I'm calling it a crumble, and part of my kitchen faucet just broke off.

Yesterday we noticed a yellow/green stain in the snow under my husband's car. No clue what it is.

When can I start drinking?

[sueinithaca]

Oh MrsHaley - I totally hear you and may be in contention for mother of the year. My son (almost 2) also won't hold my hand, but has developed an unfortunate habit of running off in the parking lot. Not cool. Last time we were at Barnes and Noble (also in the driving rain) I had to scoop him up, drop my coat, my purse, and my purchases in a puddle in th parking lot, and haul his screaming, flailing little body to the car. He got in nicely when I offered him a bit of chocolate as a bribe, but then I had to go back to the scene of the crime and collect my bedraggled, formerly white down jacket and soggy gifts. Sigh.

My husband decided that we needed to rearrange the furniture this morning, two hours before guests came. Before I'd had a chance to mop the floor. And the furniture he wanted moved was the couch that I *knew* had all the toys/petrified cheesesticks/cat vomit under it (I'd been avoiding looking). Sure enough. It did. Cleaned it up, moved around the living room. Then he said we should move it back.

Once the guests arrived, they brought out their gifts. Which included make-up. For my daughter. Who if FOUR years old. GAH! OF course, we thanked them nicely and I've been spending the afternoon telling my daughter why mommy doesn't approve of 4 year olds wearing makeup (and trying to not bring sex into it. yee gads)

Anyway. We're getting the kids dressed for a Santa party (Santa will arrive and bring candy canes and then read 'Twas the night Before Christmas or some other Christmas book). Di I mention my children have been petrified of every Santa they've ever met? Not sure why I accepted this invitation.

Later tonight, I get to wrap all the Christmas presents.

The ridiculous thing is, my husband and I are both agnostic. We are categorically nonreligious. Why then are we playing this game? (the answer is powerful family and social pressure)

[pocha]

@Moxie: I second the ipod idea (Amy). Or the Norwalk Virus?

I'm having house-related issues, or I should say house-envy issues. We bought a house this summer and it's lovely (hardwood floors etc) but very small. So small that I got all anal about the tree and requested that we keep it (decorated with bulbs and lights) on the front porch (semi-enclosed). Bump -- offspring -- is just over two so he doesn't quite realize what he's missing. But it has made me sad to think that for now Christmas is all about trying to bring less, not more, into our tiny (<800sf) house. Also, husband and I aren't getting along right now and that makes me very sad, more sad than the house does.

Marriage is not easy when a two-year-old, a small house, and a wimpy bank account are in the bag.

To Mrs. Haley: do not worry about the apple and, i agree, before you know it you'll be laughing about the "Christmas Eve Parking Lot Incident."

Hugs and happy cheer to all (thanks, Moxie!!)

[flea]

Oh, Mrs Haley, what a flair you have for storytelling. I am DYING to know who you are giving 10 pounds of concrete, and why. Bless you.

We are at home alone as a nuclear family, so all stress is of our own making. But mr. flea appears to have bought me a present this morning, so I won't have to face only one present for me, which I've wrapped myself (from my in-laws). Man can't plan his way out of a paper bag, which is hilarious, given he's an engineer.

[Maria]

Poor Mrs. Haley!

I fear my MIL showing up tomorrow with sweets for Mio again - he has discovered he likes this one particular kind which he had once at a party at daycare and she has jumped on that. I don't mind him having candy occasionally, especially when it's at a place other than home. But I do mind him associating his grandma with getting candy (at our home!), and I definitely did not enjoy hearing 'More candy please?' coming from my 2,5 year old boy last time she visited (the 'please' notwithstanding - liked that!) Sigh. Better read Hedra's posts on grandparenting again...

[Kate]

@ flea: In my professional life I edit procedures written by engineers. The lack of planning can show up elsewhere. :-)

[Kate]

And MrsHaley, the learning curve of being out and about with toddler and baby in bad weather (or anytime?) is enormous. For me it got better at about age 1 and almost 3; so fine for about a month and then we started in with the potty.

I recommend an endless supply of raisins and whole wheat crackers.

[shannon]

Currenty ducking out with a beer in computer room under the premise of wrapping gifts. Our water is shut off due to water main break up the street. We're hosting dinner. Three small children involved. Door bell just rang now I really do have to start wrapping!!!

[WaltzInExile]

Oh, thank God, a place to vent. Where to start?
Goat Daddy is taking a nap (AGAIN) (YES, AS IN 2ND NAP TODAY.) *I* on the other hand, was up and out of the house at 8:00 this morning since an ice storm canceled all of my last-minute pickups yesterday. I got back at noon and made lunch for the goats (while nap #1 got underway) and then got the kitchen cleaned up so we could bake cookies. Got the cookie mess cleaned up just as nap #1 ended. Then a package arrived while I was folding laundry, so the goats decided to open it without consulting me. So much for that big surprise for tomorrow morning. Then I started cleaning up the kids' rooms because ohmyGOD the mess and what the hell, they're going to have more toys tomorrow? Then I had to give Goat #1 his antibiotics for strep throat, and hold down Goat #2 to put the pink eye drops in her eyes (YES. Sick kids for Christmas. Yea me.) Then I had to separate the goats because they were trying to kill each other. Then I went back into the kitchen to find a mess because someone had decided to make lunch for himself. You know, between naps. Got the kitchen cleaned up again. Separated goats again, sending #1 to his room to start picking up while I got started on #2's room. Apparently, cleaning up one's own room/mess on Christmas Eve at the tender age of 6 is akin to waterboarding. Eventually told #1 that if he didn't stop screaming, I was calling Santa and if Santa had already left and I couldn't reach him, then he could open the gifts and look at them tomorrow and then trundle them off to the homeless shelter because the meanest.mother.in.the.world. wasn't going to let him keep them. Screaming started anew. Mother of the Year walked away (sorry, Mrs. Haley, but I've got it locked up) and ran into Father of the Year (aka He Who Really Ought To Fucking Know Better) in the hallway, and HWROTFKB said "Can't you keep him quiet, I'm trying to sleep." He went downstairs for some reason and I muttered some very unChristmasy things under my breath as I headed back into #2's room. Five minutes later, #2 is thirsty so downstairs we go, to find 1/2 the plate of cookies gone. The cookies I told the kids they couldn't have because we were saving them for Santa. Muttered more unChristmasy things under my breath. Have decided that it does not matter if the rooms are clean. Am now contemplating a bottle of Bailey's and a bottle of tequila, and trying to figure out which one I want and how soon I can put the kids in bed. Could use tips on how much cold medicine is enough to get them to sleep (the 6 year old weighs 51 pounds and the 3 year old weighs 36 pounds.) Yeah, I'm bitter and grumpy and would love 10 minutes to myself to take a shower. Also starting to ponder if anyone has ever run away on Christmas Eve.
But my secrets are safe here, right?

[hush]

@MrsHaley, if it makes you feel any better, when I was about 7, I very clearly recall eating an egg salad sandwich that I found on the playground. Tasted great, and I'm now very healthy & a good eater, too!

My 14-mo-old DS's nose & eyes are still too bruised from the brawl he got into with the kitchen floor last week. Nothing was broken, thank heavens, though he looks like an abused child. So we don't wish to take him out in public, where we are sure to get many, many icy stares.

I'm hidden away like Shannon right now in the computer room, supposedly wrapping crap For like Everyone, From Everyone, including things I actually bought for myself -- because both my mom & DH say they didn't get me "enough" according to them, and they've each asked me to help them not look like jerks when we all open presents tomorrow. (BTW, DH is definitely not a jerk, and that's not why my mom's a jerk....) Good times, pass the Bailey's please.

[TB]

My holiday 2008 vent is that I'm sick. I'm weak as a kitten. And have been for days. So the presents aren't wrapped, the house is a mess, the kid is going crazy from not being outside enough and watching too much TV, and the DH feels put upon because he's had to do *everything*.

Plus my mom is just as sick as I am (from the same virus - we were at her house two weekends ago and we both got sick simultaneously a few days after!) and we're supposed to be trekking up to her place. My dad is chronically ill and so there will be no one with any energy to do any of the things we normally do on a holiday.

Poor little dd, she's so excited about Christmas and everyone is sick. Except DH and he is crabby as all hell. Sigh.

[Charisse]

Eh, nothing truly exceptional here--I did just burn about 1/3 of my right palm while cleaning up after a quick quesadilla lunch, stepping over Mouse who was making a maze out of cupcake frills on the kitchen floor and I'm out of energy to redirect her because I've been with her 24/7 since Saturday, including at the office the last 2 days, and she's been very good, but she IS 4 so I am mentally fried...but I'm pretty sure it's first degree.

And my mom has called about 15 times in the last 2 days (we're flying to her tomorrow after doing stockings here) with very minor updates on The Weather Forecast!! and Where She Might Park At The Airport!! and What The Side Dishes Will Be!! and Who Can Sit Where In The Car!! and I know she's just really excited but her being amped up is a big anxiety trigger for me, so I am trying to hold it together but wondering why I decided to save $ by staying at her house for a couple nights, where there is no escape.

Humbug. Thank you Moxie, this is a great idea!

MrsHaley, you are awesome. Thank you for sharing that story.

[Cecily T]

There are some doozies on here!

I spent some quality time with my steam cleaner this merry Christmas eve.

Hubby woke up with the Christmas spirit in his heart, determined not to let anything get him grumpy on christmas eve. (Sometimes he has a bad temper.) So, the lobster tails (I know, poor us!) leaked all over the fridge, so he had to clean that up, and then the fancy tree stand that has a tank attached for giving water to the tree magically sprung a leak overnight and dumped 2 gallons of water all over my carpet. And V gives us H-E-double-hockey-sticks if the tree lights aren't on, so we were totally in trouble with an 18-month-old for the tree being out! of! place!

I got blackberry stains on the first white shirt I have worn since our 18-month-old was born, I swear.

I've done six loads of wash today instead of the planned two.

I discovered that the orange-chocolate mousse cake that was supposed to be dessert needs 3 hours at room temp, and 8 hours chilling in the fridge. We had *exactly* enough sugar in the house to make the banana muffins I needed to make with the bananas that were one second away from rotting, plus our Xmas morning french toast (best recipe ever for Xmas morning, let me know if you want it), plus the cake I had planned to make. This limited my options for replacements, but I think I can pull off espresso-molten chocolate cakes (minus the espresso for V) for dessert.

I spent quite a lot of today using the steam cleaner to both get up the water from the tree incident as well as the stinky, smelly carpet in the dining room where our flashing is ruined, and we have been waiting like 10 weeks for the damn contractor to get to fixing it already! Home-owners' insurance, here we come!

Also, hubby swears up, down, left and right that he absolutely didn't have any free time at all whatsoever to wrap my presents until 5pm today (when I was busy spending V's cranky time trapped on the couch underneath her) despite the fact that he was up at 8am playing StarCraft this morning!

But!! The best news is that dinner is on track, and we have commenced the drinking!! (okay, not much for me as I'm a lightweight) But a Toasted Almond does wonders for your mood.

Good luck to all of us! (and thank FSM that the in-laws are coming to us, and not vice versa!)

[LuckyJen]

I have cancer (well, technically in remission) and just had chemo one week ago. I'm still feeling extremely, um, vomitous (I know! not a word! but it so perfectly describes my volatile stomach) and exhausted.

I have a 2 year old. (nuff said, right?) She's delightful, most of the time, but I'm still nervous to put her in a party dress and expect her to be on her best behavior for lunch today...and dinner tonight....and dinner tomorrow (see below for why: short answer is many extended family obligations).

My parents are in the middle of getting a divorce after 35 years of marriage. It's not completely, how shall I say?, amicable. My in-laws are also divorced so we have basically four sets of parents to visit in the next two days.

Did I mention that I just had a round of chemo?

Wish me luck. Heh heh. Good thing I still have my sense of humor and a stellar husband.

[taggie]

It's just the three of us: me, husband and 18 month old son. We took a strong stance and decided to spend holidays without extended families. Fake smiles and disfunctional conversations with my divorced parents and his estranged ones were not how we wanted to spend our time.

So now it's just us. With no visitors, no pressure to decorate, cook, etc. Which of course means no decorations or special cooking. So basically, it's like any other day of the week. Since we're not religious and don't like to buy into a commercial xmas, no santa. Only one present for the son (I like this part).

While I like not having the family stress, I have to admit it's awfully lonely. I actually get jealous listening to others describe their crazy families. I don't know if my marriage is strong enough to handle just the three of us all. the. time. Crazy families at least break up the monotony. What does this say about my marriage?

[Jo-Ann]

No one in our families will deal with my food allergic kid or my adhd wonder. (my friends tell me that our families suck regularly) My husband found out Monday that what he thought was a minor heart condition is much worse. We had one visitor today because our childfree friends thought we were too complicated to visit after 13 years on Christmas eve.

Instead I got a recipe for cupcakes made with cake mix and 7-up so my food allergic kid had a treat. We just got done dancing to my old band on you tube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jw-okxvMBy0 while my kids yelled there is Mommy, there is Daddy and assorted other bands.

It is us against the world folks and tonight after a vodka drink I feel ready to take it on.

To everyone from @Lucky Jen to Mrs Haley I hope the holiday gets better.

3.5 years ago on Christmas eve when I was pregnant with my younger son, my older son was 18 months old at the time. I spent the night on the phone with poison control because he drank bleach. I always win the good Mom award.

[Koshercow]

I just feel so bad, lots of angst, so much heart-pain because so much for our idealistic, non-commercial "small" Christmas. I had such grand plans in my head for how my 6 year old was going to learn about giving, make donations, do something other than just get a bunch of stuff. But we had a baby this year and all that stuff got pushed aside in the sleep deprived delirium. We didn't go nuts with his presents but when you add in the stuff for him from grandparents etc. it looks like a ton.

It was important, still is and I feel like we really messed up/missed an opportunity here. And of course a local business just sent out an email about the orphanages they helped this year in the Ukraine. The little kids in the photo look just like mine. I am just in pain thinking about how lame we are. Again. I want to go back and make it right.

[Cathy]

Things are very quiet here - it's me, DH and the 2 girls. The monkey is at his mom's house until next Tuesday - he's been a part of my Christmases since he was 4 (and he turned 15 yesterday). Usually my folks and/or my sister (and family) are around and they're not this year - each at their own respective houses. As grouchy as I am with the commotion (there is no place to get a time-out), it's really strange for it to be us 4. A nice break, but feels like something's off. I hope the monkey is doing OK, but don't want to over-call and disrupt his time with his mom. His birthday was yesterday - my mom and sister both asked for his cell number so they could call and sing to him. We called and left a Happy Birthday rendition on his voice mail. He called back in the afternoon - he was babysitting his three other sisters on his birthday. Didn't know of any dinner/cake plans. El (the 1 year old) said his name when she was on the phone with him and she's been checking his room for him every now and then.

@the other Mothers of the Year, if this is the worst thing that happens, then that's not so bad.

@Kris - I would be not surprised if the yellow/green car discharge is coolant.

Is it wrong that I enjoyed going to Target today (by myself) in the hustle and bustle? I sort of wanted to hit another store after I was done.

[Jamie]

The cat is going senile. So, after a freezing cold Midwest day I was looking forward to having a cup of tea and putting my little tootsies in my warm, cozy slippers. Although, when I slid my foot into that anticipated cushy bed of goodness it felt like I had stepped instead onto a bed of rocks. What were the rocks, you ask? A big...dry...pile...of...senile...cat...poop!
Happy Hanukkah to me, from Mr. Cat.

[Biwani]

so we always host a christmas brunch for our friends but this year i was just not in the mood so when a well meaning friend offered her home i jumped on it like a 2 year old on a trampoline.(Christmas present for the mini). being me of course I felt guilty so offered to bring appetizers and cookies and the kids' dish. Its almost 10pm. i have not started yet. %^#@!

[Sarah]

I am surprised at quite how much physical dread I have about the big family Christmas tomorrow. We always gather with my mom's family on Xmas day. As a result, Santa has us on a special list to come a day or 2 early every year (if you're feeling mean, do this to your kids--they'll believe for far too long because it takes some of the impossibility out of the trip if he can spread it out over say a week. I think I was 10~) (Alternately, do this and it is sweet because your kids will believe longer :)

My mom's family is 2 hours away so we stay over at my grandparents' house. The "party," this year at an aunt's, isn't crazy. It isn't funny. It isn't joyous. Everyone comes (5 kids, spouses, 14 grandkids and 9 great-grands) so I know my cousins, superficially. Because we all come to Xmas and to Easter as well, there is no "long time no see, what do you do now?" casual conversation that generally lets me small talk in a room of acquaintances.

I've tried games, family photos, forced small talk. Alcohol works, but I am breastfeeding so I can't get really toasted or anything.

I raised the specter to my mom of not going (she dreads it too) and she is too afraid that my grandparents will die. They are both 80+ and quite healthy, but, still, we're not talking about more than 10 more years of this, I think. And I do relate to that. Precious time and regrets and yadda yadda.

It is only 5-6 hours of my life, 2-3 times a year. I can make it.

On the plus side, I get to go to a Chanukah celebration on Saturday with someone I am glad is in my life and whose company I enjoy.

[Maria]

It's just the two of us, me and a 5 year old in the house. I'm feeling a bit glad of that because it is more relaxed, less pressure, but I'm feeling incredibly lonely and left out. My extended family is having a big family dinner tomorrow, my closest friends are having multiple meals/parties with their families, and we are, well, I'm *not* thinking pathetic and unloved…

My biggest gripe though is about P's father who took her to KB Toys today, on CHRISTMAS EVE, and bought her everything she pointed to. Seriously, it wouldn't all fit in my car and I was so mean I didn't let us bring it all home with us, and while I didn't say this to her, there's no way we're keeping all that crap.

Needless to say she was completely overstimulated and tantrumy for the rest of the day, which made me pretty overstimulated and tantrumy too. She told me it was all my fault. I yelled at her.

Definitely in contention for Mother of the Year here.

Ironically, I got her too much stuff too (though mine is at least of decent quality and age appropriate). I'm trying to make up for my own feelings of deprivation, trying to recreate my grandmother's extravagance, and worst of all trying to compete at least a little with his overindulgence. You know, so maybe it won't ALL BE MY FAULT.

Theoretically I believe in a small, reasonable Christmas, but the truth is I like the choosing, the shopping, the giving. I love filling stockings. So once again I spent too much money and am probably going to have an overwhelmed child tomorrow morning. Who will probably still be mad at me, not play with anything I got her, and whine all day about not having the crappy sh*t he got her today.

Not that I'm bitter. I don't have a bad attitude, really.

[lwh]

This year it's just the three of us (DH, DD and me) and the first year I haven't been with my parents on Christmas. Kind of nice just to be our nuclear family here together. But we're not off the hook for family time. We get on a plane Friday morning to go see the extended family, including my brothers who have been in South Korea for a year and a half.

DH's family always does Chinese takeout on Christmas Eve, which I always look forward to, so we continued that tradition tonight. Lovely food, and no pressure--highly recommend it. Tomorrow we're sharing a late lunch/early dinner with another couple who lives in our town, so I have some things to bake for that.

We let DD open her presents from one grandparent tonight, and she had a ball playing with them. I'm concerned we've gotten her too many things this year and that she'll be totally overwhelmed when she starts opening gifts tomorrow morning. This is only her second Christmas, so I should have done a better job of reigning things in. But she's going to LOVE her play kitchen.

Thanks to all the PPs for sharing their stories, especially MrsHaley. I was laughing so hard, DH wondered what was going on.

[CaliBoo]

And I thought I was the only one who felt completely out of whack for the holiday. We used the "but we have the baby" card to get out of flying across the country and doing the schtick with our families (ringing bells, midnight mass, obnoxiously stinky pork products in the oven at 5 am) - I'm glad for it (hurray for starting our own traditions with our new family) but at the same time feel a bit lonely and like it's a bit of a cop-out. Other things I copped out of: taking dd to see Santa, buying presents for anyone that isn't a close blood relative or been sleeping with for double digit years, or any sort of truly special meal. However, I did pick up a can of Batter Blaster in the store the other day, so that will beat the pants off of cold cereal for breakfast tomorrow.
And, to Mrs.Haley: thanks for the laugh, and think of it this way - your toddler is voluntarily eating fruit...

[liz]

the winter uglies have hit us hard this year and to make it even better, little one has the worst case of diaper rash i've ever seen. i've let her air out most of the day, naked play rules she discovered. am not looking forward to all day at the in-laws tomorrow, but i'm am very grateful for the mellowness of their christmas (no gift exchanges! just brunch and a lengthy hike in the afternoon).

[Chris]

First time mother. First xmas party with dd, 10.5 mo. First time poster.

This is the story of No Boundaries (I think... it's 1am, I'm still reeling from this so it may not be a boundary issue at all. Read on).

I got into a 'fight' with my FiL because I wouldn't let him hold dd when he wanted to. It was the beginning of the evening, too late for dd really, new and loud pp, new location. She was petrified.

I actually had to defend, repeatedly, that I was the mommy and should make decisions on my dd's happiness (she's not 3+ and can reason this out, ya know?). He told me it wasn't about my dd, it was about me. I just about kicked his teeth in. My dh finally jumped in.

I was expecting to defend my feeding choices, diapering choices, sleeping location choices with a confident and cheery, "Well, this works for our family!" I had been practicing in a mirror and with different inflections. But this one. What to do.

By the end of the evening, it appeared that my dh had fixed it and my FiL hugged me and apologized for our miscommunication. But WTF? I had been reading about this kind of craziness but I was hoping/praying that it wouldn't happen to me.

Even moxie's past post that ended with mantras that included, eff you, you effing effers, didn't make me laugh at the time.

Venting, in need of support, talk me down from the ledge, make me laugh, give me ammo for next time... Thanks for letting me vent.

[Two Names too many]

My DH just lost the key bit to make DD's one big gift. ! hour later and he/we can't find it. Present won't work without it. Grr. GRRRRR.

[Jutta]

My heart goes out to all of you. The mother of my charges went nuts today, trying to make X-Mas special for the two. I felt bad for her, because she works 10-12 hour days. So, I started her decorating, which she was grateful for.

@Cecily T- please make sure that you check things out before getting the home owner's insurance involved. Here in California it isn't a good thing when a house has water damage and it gets onto the record. The client that I talked about earlier reported her water damage and is now paying a heavy price for it. $500.- inspections every 3 months to make sure there is no mold. AND - it shows in the reports, which makes it very difficult for prospective buyers to get funding.

[noodlemama]

@ Chris: The good news is if you protect her boundaries now, she'll protect them herself sooner than you could believe.
Case in point: I foolhardily brought my 2-year-old to work today. The Noodle mowed down my loud, loving, handsy, borderless co-workers like Rambo with an M60. As each one moved in with a "Sooo cute!" "Hug?" "Cootchy-coo!" "Hug?" she ran the gauntlet with an ever-more emphatic, "No. *No.* NO!!" Seriously, I know it is just because they care for me and her, but they haven't seen her since she was an infant. What makes them think she's going to handle this onslaught of strange environment, strange people, strange week with open arms?
Poor thing. Even my co-worker's 6-year-old and 10-year-old who were there too are both in their own stages of wanting to love on "babies" and could not stop trying to get in her face/ carry her/ "help" her as she shrieked louder with every advance. And to top it off, as she was staring, blissed out, at the major holiday bling in one nook of the office, another co-worker started to entertain her with all the random crap on her desk including... a fake alien body preserved in a jar? WTF? She said, "Uh-oh, I think I scared her," and slunk off. A few minutes later, after looking at the holiday lights some more, Noodle asked tremulously, "What in da bottle?" I predict nightmares tonight.
But it was almost all worth it when we got to the end of the seemingly endless hallway to the gruffest, most sarcastic guy in the office who, of course, did not attempt to hug her. But he did size her up and say, in a voice that suddenly went all froggy, "She really is just sooo cute."
All I can say, Chris, is I never had the chance to enforce her boundaries because she beat me to it, loudly and forcefully. Although I am still kicking myself for not seeing that alien thing coming.
And @ Charisse--I am utterly fried from 4 hours of having my kid at work, much less 2 days!

[Gina]

@ LuckyJen: That sucks! Goodness, if you have cancer your family should at least have the good sense to come to you, play nicely with one another, and to bring a nice dinner with them so you don't have to deal.

@Jo-Ann: I am with you on the food allergies. My 2 year old is severely allergic to eggs, sesame, garlic, pepper, and a few fruits. And the extended family relatives just don't get it. (Thankfully, the grandmothers do get it). Is your son allergic to eggs (the 7-up cake rang a bell with me)? I have developed a lot of egg free baking recipes (cake, brownies, cookies, pretzels). If you need any, email me. Most can be made dairy-free too.

My vent for the day is that I was feeling great and on top of things this morning when I dared to eat breakfast. I am 24 weeks pregnant and *still* throwing up on a regular basis. On top of that I started having pre-term contractions at 22 weeks. I didn't get halfway through my breakfast this morning before I lost it all and trigged a fresh round of contractions. Enough already.

[Stassja]

Ugh, going to see the In Laws, thankfully it will be brief. MIL made a big breach of trust not too long ago (going back to abusive husband, oh yay, and after he actually messed with me. No apology) and really hurt the hubs (and me too, I really did/do love her) and now apparently we're supposed to suck up and be calling her all the time like nothing ever happened.

That's the really fun part, because while she and HIM were seperated everything was open, talking about past badness etc, and now it's all under the rug again. We're being the "Bad Kids" and not falling into line and making nicey nice. We're not openly mean or rude or anything, we just don't go out of our way for them.

So we've had all this passive aggressive BS from her, hearing from other siblings how she wants hubs to call her, boohoo, but I've gently (as I could) prodded her numerous times now trying to get her to CALL HIM. But no, she's too busy, etc etc. She feels guilty as sin in my book and I wish she'd just own her shit.

Yeah, it'll be sooooo fun. *headdesk*

[hedra]

Wow, so many in need of sympathy.

First:

@Koshercow, 7 is a better year for understanding the giving to others. You have years and years and layers and layers of seasons to bring that stuff in. You only missed one small space for it. It comes again in tides (and at 6, my kids are So Not Into Giving - at 7, they think about what others want, love being of service, and are totally disorganized about it, but at 7, their social brain is starting to develop faster than the logical brain. Next year will be easier.) I promise you didn't so much miss out on a great opportunity, but on a small one that might have been a sore disappointment if you'd gone ahead with your plans.

@Gina, nausea SUCKS. I'm sure you've tried a zillion solutions. I ended up swearing by preggie pops (especially the raspberry and tangerine flavors) and whole lemon chopped up in cool water (skin required - the lemon oil helps, inhale as you get ready to drink), different pregnancies. And also (!!) those snore-stopping nose things. HUGE difference after three days with those, though I'd still forget to use them. On my blog, there's a link to my preggie journal for the twins, and I go down a list of anti-nausea methods I used. Maybe one might be new.

@Chris, you ran smack into the grandparent love, hard. I have a post on that topic on my blog (a few back, actually two or three or four) that talks about how to give them a Real Job so they don't try to do YOUR job for you (or tell you you're doing it wrong, etc.). It has to be something you don't really care about details-wise (teach them to love gardening is okay, but teach them about the outdoors might have issues if they're hunters and you're Not). But also something you can be happy they're doing (like 'teach them about history' or 'help them explore the arts' - even if they skew it, it will be educational). Picking something they have a passion for - not just the specifics of the hobby but the process or bigger picture - gives them a place to put all that love. A sit-down discussion that says, "hey, I'm the mom, but you're also the grandparents. You're important, and you love him, and I'd love for you to have a place to put that love without worrying too much about whether you're slipping toward acting like the parent, instead of the grandparent... I'd love it if you took on something I won't be able to do completely from my role, since there's so much to what I need to do as Mom... would you be willing to (insert Big Grandparent Job here)?" Just do not pick a smaller part of a task that You Own As Mom (diet, attire, deportment/discipline, values/religion, schooling). ... And as for enforcing boundaries, thank you from someone who remembers being MADE TO KISS EVIL STRANGE RELATIVES. :shudder: You're teaching your child that they have a right to control who touches them, when, and how. Baseline, that's the goal, yes? I didn't get that lesson, I got the 'if your relative says they want to touch you, you must let them or face shame and ridicule' - and hence I was raped by my great uncle when I was seven. I didn't have the slightest idea how to say No, or even when I should. That's worst case scenario, obviously, but it's real, too. You rock. If you need more reasons to back you up than that, try reading Protecting The Gift. It's real clear that you need to understand all the lessons you're teaching under those conditions.

There are others I'd love to respond to, but I'm finally feeling tired (stayed up making *most* of the remaining presents that haven't been made, had too much coffee, couldn't sleep, and we have three different Christmases tomorrow... aaaahhhhhh!), and so should go to bed for the 2 hours or so before the alarm goes off.

First, though, my main gripe is that ep doesn't do well being unemployed not-by-choice, and so there's a great deal more grouchiness around, and I'm not in good moods entirely, either - the job is turning into a permanent position (woot!) but that also means who-knows-what for the books I was writing (serious issue, they are eating me from the inside out). The job is going to be really interesting (already is, will be more so), and perfectly aligned with many of my strengths and interests... and still isn't the books. I feel torn in two.

Or three. Because the job is also longer hours, so I'm less available for the kids. I've never (NEVER) missed a parent-teacher conference, until this job. They've always had that priority. And now, since they're not getting it in the hours, I'm getting 90% of the time someone wants to be carried or have extra-special treatment from me, every blessed second of the day. I can't cram the amount of attention they used to get into the available time, and having Daddy at home doesn't make the difference to them. I've been extra super grouchy for Christmas as a result. Yeah, that was me yelling, "NO, for the last time I will NOT give you Uppies!" to one of the 4-year olds, who very quietly then said, 'I just wanted a hug' and walked away with her head down.

Bleah.

[Chaosgirl]

Normally, I read everyone's posts then comment etc., but I really need to vent fast.

My brother is being an ass.

And my mother is defending him.

And I've been chastised for being "mean" and bascially told that I am not allowed to have an opinion about being treated like crap by my brother, at least while I'm in my mother's company. She has always maintained a very pollyannish and naive position when it comes to my bro - he can do no wrong (despite the very long list of transgressions, including defrauding the government) while her other children get ignored.

Long story short -- brother has excommunicated me for transgressions committed 4 years ago and cannot, WILL not, let go of the past. Every time we have attempted a convo, he dredges up the hurt and tries to rub my face in it. The hard part is that most of his angst is paranoia -- that I ruined his career by purposely spreading rumours about him, that I deliberately said and did things to wreck his life, etc. I have, on several occasions, apologised and explained that I am human, I got angry, and I said some stuff I regret. He doesn't buy this, however, and continues to tow the rope that I am evil incarnate. He is slowly poisoning my parent's beliefs about me too, feeding them stories about how I manipulate and mindf**k people to my advantage because I'm a psychologist.

This excommunication also extends to his nephew, who he hasn't seen since 4 months (he's now almost 15 months). Nice.

Recently, there was dialogue about us meeting to discuss "issues" but this was promptly followed by radio silence once I extended an invitation, and now, facebook defriending and blocking. That's right. The other facebook junkies on the list will know what I mean - he set his privacy settings to that neither my husband nor I can see his profile, basically an e-excommunication. *sigh*

The amusing/ironic/sad part about this is that this means of coping (through avoidance, excommunication and stubbornness) is endemic in my family: maternal grandfather did it to my mother; paternal aunt to paternal grandmother; paternal aunt to father; maternal uncle to mother. It's ridiculous. No one has ever been able to resolve an interpersonal issue on both sides of my family.

I have tried to put an end to the trend, but apparently apologies are just not enough. My brother will not stop until he has extracted his pound of flesh.

I am trying to ignore all this BS and enjoy the day.

*sigh*

THanks for the vent, Moxie. I needed that.

Merry Christmas!

[MomAbroad]

Just wanted to send positive thoughts to all who need it! I almost feel guilty for having, what I would describe as the funnest Christmas ever! Almost, because we are far from most of our friends and families for the first time (I think some would argue that this is a good thing, and in some instances, I would agree! Heck we all have that unpleasant black sheep that dampers our spirits)... Actually, had we been home, we would have been part of the mini extended family Christmas dinner at my aunt's. Both my cousins have recently had babies, and the youngest cousin has announced that no one is to touch the baby unless we've washed hands and face! So, I have to say, having two wee ones of my own, I am extremely happy not to have to be part of that and refrain from making any comments...Worst, is that they (my cousin and his wife) are both doctors and should know better!

However we did not have to deal with that, we were blessed with the company of a couple of good friends wanting to discover a Scandinavian Christmas with us! So apart from a very nasty case of stomach flu, of which we all fell victim to, in the countdown to Christmas and now a case of pink eye that seems to have gotten the better of my 9 month old and husband, we've managed to have a truly wonderful time...Dancing like retarded spiders on DDR and eating a mix of Canadian and Scandinavian delicacies!

All I wish for Christmas is that everyone has a good time too! Hang in there, at the very least, phase one is on it's way to being complete and hopefully you'll have a quieter New Year's!

[Cobblestone]

If I was santa claus each one of you would walk into your own homes to find warm cinnamon rolls and mimosas just waiting for you.

Merry Christmas, and good luck to us all.

[Num Num]

Warm cinnamon rolls please!
@Mrs. Haley, thanks so much for your story. Keep it in a file.
We're having a very happy birthday for granddaughter C-A, born four years ago on a very sunny, cold morning in NYC. She now knows about cake and presents and loves them all. They are off to a movie and then here for rock cornish hens for grownups and mac and cheese for all of us, since we're kids at heart. Happy holidays all.

[Sharon aka Mommie Mentor]

I’m sick and very sad that I’m not with family today so I hope this all makes sense. Mrs. Haley, great story. And to the others whose two year olds won't hold hands, what about giving them the option to hold onto your clothes. It’s hand or clothes or I pick you up and take you to the car. What about the baby you say? Well, this is a ProActive idea. You'll need to take a trip to the store without baby. I know that’s hard but it's going to be worth it, and it will teach the two year old that he/she is never allowed to walk without touching you in a parking lot! This requires a practice session without baby so the two year old knows you mean business. All you do is leave the car and offer your hand. If the child balks you offer the belt loop on your pants or something like that. If the child balks, you silently pick the sweet one up and walk back to the car. Put the sweet one in the car seat and lovingly wait until the child stops crying and inform he/she that from now on the choice is my hand or my belt loop, let’s try this again. And you do this as many times as is needed to teach the lesson. It should take about 5 minutes, and it’s over. Now the two year old has it down and you can more easily bring baby.

I also want to address another issue mentioned here, carrying the car seat. How much can a parent carry? Why is everyone picking up the car seat and the child? Is your child sleeping 100% of the time, is that why you pick up the car seat too? Several years ago I read an article from Mothering Magazine that made me really rethink the carrying of an infant. Read the article and it may change your mind, help your back and help you deal with the amount of things you have to take with you everywhere you go? http://www.mothering.com/articles/growing_child/child_health/car-seats.html

Chris, here's an Idea for the FIL. Instead of taking the heat for protecting your daughter, which in my opinion is perfect and is the true definition of mom—defender of the innocent even if you have to protect her against those you are related to, LOL!

Try this instead, if you are game. Why not let your daughter speak for herself. I know she can’t speak but her body language and her crying or hesitancy should do the trick. I would switch your words around. Instead of saying or using your body language to send the message of “here, let me take her, she seems uncomfortable.”
Try, “Dad that look on her face and her trying to push you away (I’m filling her behavior based on what my kids did at that age) I’ve come to recognize is her way of telling us that she isn’t a happy baby right now, maybe we can both make her more comfortable together. Let’s try allowing me to hold her while you engage her and make friends. She’s just going through a developmental phase where she’s slow to warm up, let’s work together to make her fall in love with you! Switch the words to fit any family.

I'm very lonely today; it’s the first year with no sons or family around, so today sucks. Moxie thanks for this post and to the moms who needed to grip, I needed to try and make someone feel better, cause I can’t seem to make myself feel better today. Anyone know of any jobs in SF, time to get out of here.
Merry Christmas.

[Ashramama]

Our Christmas is over, but I'll share the good stuff: the Prince was an angel pretty much all day, and didn't even scream when he saw the uncle that he usually is terrified of. Instead there were smiles and high fives. Admittedly he didn't let said uncle out of his sight for a second (just in case he instantaneously transformed into the boogeyman?!), but no screaming or crying. Yay! Prince was also not too overwhelmed with gifts, so that was nice. Also, my usually distant and generally unthoughtful mother actually bought some great gifts for the prince and for me. I'm actually stunned.

Bad stuff: I have terrible heartburn, even though I didn't eat too much or drink too much. Am therefore mystified. Also, I was sad that this year Christmas seems to have passed me by completely - normally I'm really into it, but our house does not boast a single Christmas ornament and we haven't even put up the cards (happily the prince is too young to know the difference - next year I will do better, I promise!). Also, the peanut and I are barely speaking to each other (our relationship collapsed some months back and we have so far been unable to work out the details of moving apart), so my Christmas evening is spent reading all your stories, when what I'd really like to be doing is curling up on the sofa with a man I love, toasting each other for a wonderful day planned and spent with the prince. Instead, I am in one room and the peanut is in the other doing his thing, whatever that is. And finally, I had a chance at something which may have been the perfect love, but due to circumstances which are way too complicated to go into here, we have had to make the agonising decision to remain friends and live our separate lives. I am in a state of numb, heartbroken shock. And therefore incredibly resentful of the peanut for essentially putting a stop to something which may have had a chance at success (basically he's refusing to let me relocate with our son, which I can understand, but I'm still gutted - new person is unable to make the move due to elderly and sick parents). Basically, all the events of this year have wiped me out, totally, and I seem unable to muster any sense of joy. I am numb. And terrified of how I'll be when the numbness wears off.

Sorry to be such a moaning minnie. I hope you're all having a wonderful holiday season, nutty families notwithstanding. I shall raise a glass to you all.

[amy]

I worried that I was somehow breaking some kind of Christmas rule because I did not get my daughter (4.5) a single thing she specifically asked for, but it was all for naught. She loves the things that her grandmas and I thought she would love and she even likes the baby toys we got for the 3 month old. And the one thing she wanted desperately and got from a grandma isn't even unpacked from the grandma's-house bounty. Instead, she's been playing happily with a popping ball baby toy I got for her brother (3 months). Bonus: it's a loud-ish toy and for now she prefers to play with it turned off rather than on. How's that for a Christmas miracle?

[WaltzInExile]

I have no idea who that grumpy impostor was, posting under my name yesterday. Oh, wait. That was me, doing my best impression of Mother and Wife of the Year. (Oddly, even with sick kids, it simply did not occur to me that Goat Daddy was under the weather, because I was too busy feeling put upon. Whoops.) I'm SO sorry for that; I really do know better than to just think about myself, especially during the holidays. That wasn't very Christmasy of me, especially considering how very NOT bad I have it.
My apologies, also, to those of you who clicked on my link and found your way to the rambling incoherence I call a blog.
I hope everyone had a lovely holiday. I certainly did (you know, once I got over myself.)

[Julia]

We drove four hours today, so that we could spend Christmas Day with both sets of grandparents. We were supposed to just be at my parent's house, but my MIL got very upset that we were going to come on Saturday and not on the REAL day, even though we went to her house for Thanksgiving. It's like she won't let my family exist. Whole different rant. Anywho.

So, breakfast/brunch at my parent's, then a drive across state to MIL's. We're in communication the whole time - calling when we past certain places, we're almost there, etc.

We pull up. The cousins are loading their cars. They had just opened the gifts.

Fifteen minutes before we arrived.

Fifteen minutes.

They didn't wait for lunch, which we understood (again: had brunch at my folk's). But the gifts? WTFF?

I will not do this again. My three-year-old is overstimulated and exhausted, and I'm treated like I don't matter. It won't happen again.

[amy]

@waltz:
go easy on yourself. when we're caught up in the crazy and bustle of the holiday, it's easy to miss those subtle indicators that something is amiss.

case in point: my 4.5 yo has been having pee accidents again latly. my husband and i have been watching her carefully and preemptively sending her to the potty to minimize accidents. last night, she completely peed herself while playing in her new princess tent. of course it went through to the carpet, as well. argh! we missed all the pee pee dance signals right when we needed to be extra vigilant. so frustrating!

[MrsHaley]

@Sharon -- thanks for the link! Excellent points, all. I will have to give 'parking lot training' a try. I can tell you know already I am loathe to leave the house without the baby, but getting squashed in the street for not holding hands is a good reason for DD and I to extricate ourselves for a 'lot lesson.' This was not the first time we've had a run-in about it.

I try not to lug the carseat with me -- we typically wear him, but yesterday I thought he would stay drier because of the retractable canopy on the seat and the waterproof winter bundler. The coat under which he fits when I wear him is not waterproof, which was my main concern.

Of course, he was soaked to the bone anyway. We all were.

And might I recommend giving concrete for Christmas? It goes over well and produces many fascinating (if incorrect) gift guesses before being unwrapped!

FWIW, it was part of a "kit," sort of. I got molds and mosaic tiles and gave each separately-wrapped element to my parents (Concrete first. You should have seen their faces: "Wooow. Cement! Thaaaanks.") for them to make stepping stones with DD. Their Grandparent Job (TM Hedra) is "The Arts" so I facilitated a little.

[Foster]

We went to our church for the Christmas Eve service yesterday. DFD, who is three weeks old & has a ton of dark brown hair, was wearing an ivory dress w/ sparkles on it. The service is a candlelight one, where they turn off the lights at the end and everyone holds a lighted candle. DFD was laying in my arms & the candle light cast her in an absolutely angelic light. Everyone spontaneously started singing Silent Night & she fell asleep in my arms. My beautiful little lamb, warmed in holy light, sung to sleep by the entire congregation. Truly, truly, we are blessed.

[Sharon aka Mommie Mentor]

Mrs. Haley I hope you know I wasn't criticizing your choice to carry the baby in a car seat in the rain, I would have lost my mind in that situation but you did an amazing job and a great job telling the story!
I just wanted to let all the moms who are reading know about the link so they could make up their minds about carrying a car seat everywhere.