Changing tone

To Suki and anon and anyone else who hasn't commented but feels a changing tone:

I'm sorry you feel sad and/or marginalized.

I've felt the same changing tone, too. In the beginning, I think people were just so happy to be at a site where they weren't being kicked in the gut for making little decisions that seemed huge at the time but are so minimal (the angst over pacifiers, for instance) that everyone was so nice to each other.

But over the past few years, I think Ask Moxie has gotten a reputation for being a place where anything goes. And, to some degree it is, in that I really do think people are trying to do the best thing for their own kids and it seems all the commenters do, too.

So when I step in, and make what sound like mean posts, or like everyone has to agree with what I say, I do it on two very specific occasions:

1) Advocating spanking and physical abuse as a valid disciplinary method. I do believe it's wrong, and my stance on that is not going to change. I do not look down on any person who spanks. But spanking itself as a valid choice I do not agree with, and I'd hope that people who use spanking specifically could look at other methods. This is never going to be a site that OKs violence against kids.

2) Comments that denigrate other people. And that's what the comment that started this yesterday did. The commenter basically said that moms who fed formula had no right to complain because they should have breastfed. A few months ago there was another comment that came out blazing against a huge segment of the moms who read this blog, and I responded the same way.

The very reason I started this site was so that people wouldn't be denigrated for making the decisions they do. And yet when I patrol the comments it's too mean.

I see a huge difference between being a safe space to confess weaknesses or talk through a process, and being a safe place to judge other people. Remember that this site gets around 40,000 hits a week. That's a lot of people coming to read and comment. Maybe it's just suffering the same fate as the rest of the internet--more posts = judgment.

I really wish we could get back to the days when no one dared to say anything mean about someone else. They expressed opinions, but not in an inflammatory or offensive way.

What's the solution? Should I just let commenters duke it out among themselves? Would that make things feel comfortable like they used to? I'm not sure it would. I feel like I need to step in when someone says something hurtful, or else I'm complicit in the hurt.

Thoughts?

Comments

[Mom2Boys]

Hedra is fabulous.

I love this site. I found it googling sleep deprivation when my son was seven months old. He's 14 months now and it seems like lifetime ago. He and I have both grown so much. As much as this site is an expression of Moxie herself, it makes sense to me that the site will reflect her growth - and maybe experience some growing pains, too.

I'm stressed lately and I try to avoid posting on blogs, websites, etc. because I am waaaay touchier than usual. But I have HUGE guilt issues (not regret yet, still guilt) about not breast feeding and not that my issue is BadMom's issue but that post was like a kick in the gut. So I appreciated Moxie coming in and restating that this site isn't a place to make anyone feel bad about their choices when we don't know what lead them to their choices in the first place. I am not the model parent for this site. I formula fed, he wears disposable diapers, he's in daycare, sleeps in a crib and my house is full of CPC but I still feel welcome here and that is in large part to the tone that Moxie sets and the majority of posters follow.

[peaceinyourcrib]

nothing but thankful for this site; and the posters.

yes i have observations.
yes they could probably become critisms.

but i feel like this is a 'real' relationship.
some i watch,
some i comment on,
and some i am actively vested in.

you guys kept me sane and laughing during a very desperate time in my life. a gift.

so gracegracegrace to us all.
and the biggest thank you to Moxie.

where's Hedra;
is she okay?

[anon.]

I am the original anon. from the previous discussion - the change of tone that I am referring to is not the change of content that others have discussed. The content is, of course, the province of Moxie, it is her blog, and if we want to read what she has to say we can, or not.

It is more of a harshness to some of the comments, sometimes from commenters, but honestly, it is more noticable when it comes from a Moxie-moderating comment. Often, lately, when there are moderating comments, I have felt that they were very harsh, black-and-white responses. For the BadMom comment, I like the gentle reigning in style of the rewrite offereed earlier in this thread rather than the "judgy and misogynistic" language that was used.

I absolutely agree that moderating is an essential part of keeping this blog the great community that it is, and it is certainly Moxie's right to do that. But it can be done gently to address and diffuse a comment rather than adding to the tension.

I was asked earlier for an example of the change in tone, and I offered one on the previous thread but just to get it in the right place I am going to paste it here:

[paraphrasing myself]
The only specific example I can think of right now is sort of a lame one, but it was the conversation about the motrin/baby wearing ad - maybe this reflects badly on me but I was a little amused by that ad. I pretty much felt like an imposter as a mother since I found out I was pregnant, like I was playing house, and I clearly remember wearing my daughter in her sling for the first time and thinking, "wow I look like a real mom", like the line from the ad, which was roundly criticized by others. So I was thinking about writing a comment with something to that effect, but then the whole exchange happened about someone who actually admitted to having pain and being ok with it after trying everything possible to deal with it... The response to that poster was not understanding and not warm; it felt very condescending. And it just didn't feel like an open discussion after that.

Finally (sorry this is so long), regarding Hedra - I think she is ok. She has her own blog that I check up on every now and again - it is full of the same type of thoughtful, well-written, and insightful writing that we saw in her comments here. Not sure if this is appropriate to post (sorry if not!) but the address is http://hedra.typepad.com/hands_full_of_rocks/

[rudyinparis]

Right. I think Hedra's okay (probably shouldn't have used the phrase "the loss of Hedra" as that seems like a prompt to pull out the sackcloth and ashes)--but I'm pretty sure her job situation changed and...well... things change.

[MLB]

I fully support your right to moderate or choose what approach you take - as others have said, it's your blog Moxie. My only comment with regard to yesterday was that I felt you reacted quickly, perhaps too quickly, to someone who was intentionally goading the commenters here. And maybe that's an argument for moderating the blog so that those comments never make it to the light of day here. At this point in our lives rehashing the old "evils of formula" spiel just seemed like a blatant attempt to gain attention and create drama. And it worked, which is sad because it often seems to me that is what people who crave drama want the most.

Just my .02

[MonkeyMom]

Just a quick comment. I too really miss the Q&A. When I first started visiting the site, it was amazing. Such great questions, a lot of good information and amazing support. Now it seems more geared towards ruminations...things I would talk about with friends or my husband over coffee. That is fine, but not the site that I need right now I guess. I feel like I did when Buffy went to college. It is sort of the same, but not as good. At least for me. I would also like to comment about the comments. :) It is just too much to wade through 84 comments..many of them saying the same thing. That seems to have changed too somehow, but I'm not sure why. I remember having time to read the comments, but not anymore. I've started only searching through the archives instead of participating on a daily basis. And I just rewatch those early seasons of Buffy. :)

[Jan]

I think the tone has changed because the topics have changed.

The Q&A format, which was the staple for a long time, gave commenters a chance to express their ideas as one possible solution. The emphasis on the idea that different things work for different families meant that (virtually) no suggestion was really out of line, especially if it was proven by the original commenter's family.

This new trend of posting more general -- "discuss" -- type of stuff, seems to lead more to pontificating. I suspect it's because it allows us to be more removed from those we're judging. If you know that a specific mom wrote in with a specific problem that's really weighing on her, I think your human kindness stops you from landing nasty judgment on her. When it's a more general "people" that we're judging, it's just more likely to happen.

That's my POV, anyway.

And Moxie, I think you'd be better off deleting comments that you think are over the line than responding to them here. Yesterday, if you'd sent your exact same response in an email, then deleted the original comment, doesn't it seem like that would have been better?

[pnuts mama]

a super quick thought- moxie, i remember the days where this was more q&a, and your personal site dealt with current events, personal thoughts and reactions, tv shows, etc. then when you were going through a lot of the edgy stuff i know you understandably cut back on posting there, and i stopped going over there. i know you post there again, and maybe you could link here when you post there if you are going to do less 'ask moxie' type posts and more 'hey, this is what's going on with me, how bout you' posts? just an idea. feel free to do what's best for you.

i've never seen this as an AP site in the sense of what dr sears calls AP- b/c dr sears is in many ways full of sh*t- he has completely hijacked the concept of attachment parenting to suit his own marketing needs, and obviously it's worked for him. don't get me wrong, some of his stuff is great, but he condescends way to much and is way to close minded to other ways in which we can parent and still raise happy, content, attached children. i see this as an AP site in the sense that moxie is willing to let all theories come to the table and hash around what works for each individual family dynamic, which really is what the original attachment theory research showed- it showed (in a nutshell) that parents (mothers, really) who responded to their childrens needs had children who were more securely attached. period. ainsworth and bowlby et al never addressed babywearing or breastgeeding or cosleeping or any of that- they merely observed what happened when a baby cried, how the mom responded, and how the baby developed based on that. which doesn't mean that sometimes those moms didn't let the kid cry- it was more of how she responded and how the baby understood/experienced the response. i get so frustrated with the way current pop-pediatricians and pop-psychologists have used the term "attachment parenting" to basically sell books and continue the cycle of moms/parents feeling guilty and feeling like shit over their choices. boo to that. i love this community for saying "here's what worked for me, maybe it could work for you, and i love my kid more than anything, or else why would i be here obsessing and analyzing and searching out how to be an even better parent" without reservation on how we'll react to each other.

w/r/t the q&a posts- i know you don't like doing repeat posts when you've addressed the issue already and it can be found in the archives, *however* since we have so many new members who i'm sure have plenty of new experiences and datapoints, perhaps it's not such a big deal to post a new question on a topic already covered. i certainly don't mind hauling out my tried and true "what about letting your baby sleep in a swing til they're 14" mantra...seriously. maybe you could link to an archived post, respond a bit, let the new folks contribute their datapoints as well.

and hedra, i miss you too, even though i too have had a hard time coming here and commenting the way i like to- i.e., not rushed and crazy and unedited- but i know you and epeepunk and your job and the kids have you busy, and i too am thinking of you and wishing you all are doing well.

[michelle G]

The tone has changed. Less Q & As, and a great deal about divorce. But people change, including Moxie. Nobody HAS to read her blog and, obviously, many of us still find it interesting and helpful.

And- you know - I might be the only one out here who just isn't that concerned with hostility. The way I see it, the Internet may not be the best place to seek a 100% "safe" space. Yes, what is so great about AskMoxie is that it provides a supportive community. But, on the other hand, we comment-posters ought to realize that if you put your personal life and problems on the Internet for the world to read about...then some folks may have something critical or at least less flattering than what you might like to hear.

Again, I do appreciate the caliber of thought and spirit of helpfulness behind most of the posts. But I like the honest responses.

And -- perhaps this is exactly the unsupportive tone people don't like, BUT, @Shannon, what kind of comment on an AskMoxie page could make you cry? I remember your question about your baby shower, but I didn't read all the comments. The most strident thing I remember is that some folks thought you should just be happy your friend wanted to throw you a shower. Did I miss something? Do we all have to be "hugs hugs" all the time?

[L.]

I essentially agree with Cassie about the shift in tone resulting from content. I miss the Q&As, and think the current format/content of questions is more prone to fostering controversy, less prone to nurturing supportiveness.

Other things: I am sure the increasing readership makes a difference in commenting and moderation. An originally small community becomes harder to hold together, and there are more trolls.

Most of all, I recognize that Moxie has been going through an enormous life shift and accompanying transformation. Something so big can't really be controlled, it's all-consuming, and so it's no wonder that her presence/posts on the blog may have changed at the same time.

I wish that the content could be more like it used to be, and the posts are not as much for me any more, but I recognize that a) it's her blog and b) maybe that's just the way it has to be.

[meggiemoo]

I agree with a lot of the PPs...the tone here has definitely changed. The change in content has been noticeable, with more generic postings. I think that once new moms get out of a crisis mode (as I was in when I first started visiting here), we like to stay on to possibly help another new mom. I mostly check in now to see if I can help someone else. But when the posts are non-specific ones, I don't even read the comments.

What I liked about this site was that it was a dynamic, changing thing. It breathed life. Now it feels a bit stagnant. I don't really care what choices other people make when parenting their kids (as long as there's no obvious abuse/neglect, etc). This community is a bit self-selected anyway...no one would take the time to read this blog if she/he didn't care about becoming a better parent.

I belong to a positive discipline email listserve, which is heavily moderated, but what I like about the mods is that they don't offer judgement in their moderation. It's more like a gentle steering back on track, or asking for an end to a discussion that's just going in circles. So I'd like to see Moxie moderate, for sure, but I'd like it to be more of an objective moderation, if that makes sense. Moxie's comments of late have felt a bit defensive to me. I'd like her to stay above the fray and address comments more generally, but firmly. Wow, I feel like I'm really rambling, sorry. Must be the terrible cold I have.

Anyway, I'll be forever grateful to this site and the people who troll it, even if it completely changes and I don't visit anymore. It kept me from the edge of the cliff on many, many occasions!

[L.]

Also, what Jan said.

I thought the response to badmom was not over the line, though in retrospect it could have been worded a little more neutrally. But what she said was really awful, and I think some element of condemnation was appropriate.

[Julie]

Your site, your rules :-) I agree that it seems that common courtesy has left the internet. Thus I appreciate coming somewhere where people honestly try to help each other regardless of whether they get anything out of it themselves.

[Cloud]

This site is so much "safer" than the techie blogs I also frequent, that I can easily disregard any harsh comments. There have been a few times when exchanges got heated, but nothing like the flame wars or purposeful meanness I see on some other sites.

That said- Moxie, its your site, and you can moderate how you see fit.

Re: Hedra- I believe she posted that she wouldn't be able to read/post from work at her new job, so would be a less frequent visitor for awhile.

[caramama]

I do think the tone has changed in both the post content and the comments, but I kind of expect it and am not disappointed or anything.

I think that the tone of the posts has changed due to what people have said above. I think Moxie has been busy with all that's going on in her life and with her kids growing up. I guess I expect it will go back to more Q&A when Moxie has more time to devote to answering questions. I really appreciate that Moxie has been open about what is going on and how she's been busy. I feel like she is letting us know that she knows things are different and she has told us she will devote more time to this site soon. I'll be here through whatever she wants to post.

As for the tone of the comments, I attribute that to the growing audience. I am always surprised to see a truly mean comment on this site, and I'm always glad when I see that Moxie steps in to moderate and when other commenters help moderate. I appreciate her policy of not deleting but responding. Overall though, I really feel the supportive community is still here for each other and I really feel that I've gotten to know a lot of you, which also why I like some of the general posts where the commenters all talk to each other too. I no longer visit message boards because this site often provides that function for me.

About badmom's post (I had to go back and read through yesterday because I was too busy at work to read then), I agree with what Kate said. If Moxie was harsher than some would like, I attribute it to the fact that she had specifically said that she didn't want that news to contribute to anti-formula feeding and making mother's feel bad. It was like that commenter didn't even read what Moxie wrote!

Finally, Moxie does have a manifesto. Click her link in the upper left where it says, "This is my philosophy."

Moxie, I always love your site. You do what you want on it. And thanks for this post.

[Julie]

I was kind of glad that Moxie jumped in yesterday to let badmom know her comment was inappropriate. I usually like it when she does that, the same way maybe kids like it when an adult steps in to stand up for something that is clearly rude/mean/judgemental. Granted, she could have phrased it better......but badmom clearly ignored Moxie's original request to refrain from making the thread about formula vs. bf-ing. I've been coming here for 2 years now BECAUSE of this type of response to "I'm better than you and you are a horrible parent" type of comments so common on other parenting sites. I don't know how long badmom has been reading or commenting, but that kind of tone is uncommon here, and when it crops up either Moxie or other regular commenters usually address it. I also felt that way when Shannon felt so dumped on about the shower thing. But then again, I also feel like Shannon is a friend of mine, I know what she's going through from reading her other comments, and I thought what was said to her about taking/not taking people's advice was uncalled for. Especially for Shannon (virtual hugs to you Shannon.)

I think this is just a product of more and more people coming here and commenting - when you start garnering a huge audience (like dooce, who I adore, but never read the comments because they are in the thousands and are usually just thoughtless rants) this is sometimes what happens. So I for one appreciate Moxie stepping in to keep this site from turning into a free-for-all. This is a place I come to visit with my friends, support them, and when someone comes along and makes judgemental comments that are mean or hurtful to my friends, I expect a response....if not from Moxie, then from one of us to say "Hey, that's not really what is done here...." and usually those people either change their tone, or they go elsewhere. I thought Moxie's response to badmom was appropriate and timely. To me, there is a clear line between disagreeing and attacking/judging on this site. And attacking/judging won't be tolerated by Moxie. For which I am glad. And if that means that badmom won't be coming back to comment, that's fine with me. This site is meant to be a resource for parents struggling with parenthood. Badmom's comment was not informative or helpful to me in any way. And if those kind of responses to comments like badmom's keeps this site's readership somewhat limited or small....I don't necessarily think that's a bad thing.

[Shandra]

Wow.

I missed the baby shower post I think. I don't remember it anyway.

I really value this site a lot for reasons people have said already but just to reiterate - it's smart, people are generally respectful of "many paths to same destination" and I feel like kids and parents come before dogma. It's actually the closest to my RL parenting guru friends to anything else on the 'net that I have seen.

For changes in tone - I agree that the format change may have impacted on comments a bit in that it is in some ways easier to be positive when problem solving (try this, try that) than it is when discussing (I like this, I don't like that).

But I think it's also a function of audience and time - not just numbers, but I think as all of us get more confident and set in our ways as our kids age we may get a bit more judgy mc judgerson.

I think this discussion is a good reminder to try not to do that.

Moxie, thanks so much for your work and effort.

I do not think there is any one answer to community moderation any more than there is in parenting - there will always be things you wish you had handled differently in retrospect and things you're glad you addressed the way you did. I for one really appreciate your time in doing it.

[paola]

I'm another one who has seen a change here. Some good, some not so good. I put these changes down to a new sense of liberation, assertiveness, power, and that's how I explained some of your interventions recently, which, IMHO,you have every right to.

Unfortunately not all changes have been for the better. I miss the main parenting/child care angle and have noticed a bit of repetition in the Q&A(I guess after 3 years there is only so many new things to talk about.) I really do miss the reader calls and the variety of comments and hope to see these continue in future.

[MrsHaley]

#1 - I miss the q&a posts too. That is the 'change in tone' I've noticed. I feel as though the more general, philosophical posts garner the more heated responses. I started coming here for the practical parenting advice because I go elsewhere for the philosophical stuff.

#2 - I have *always* felt this was an "anything goes" kind of place and that bothers me. Often I have refrained from commenting because I disagree and I don't feel like my dissenting voice would be welcome. Mostly this happens when there is a moral or ethical issue at hand and I disagree with what I see as an attitude of moral relativism about an issue for which I feel there is a clear moral or ethical perspective. But morals and ethics are so fluid among people, so keeping my mouth shut is probably better.

So FWIW, the Q&A posts avoid situations like that, which is why I like them better.

[Auburn]

This site is the only place that makes me feel okay about having an 11 month old who is a crappy sleeper. Everywhere else I go seems to want me to try to "fix" him, but here I feel like it's okay to just say he is a crap sleeper, it's okay and it will eventually get better. Everyplace else makes me feel like I'm not aloud to complain about it unless I'm willing to let him scream himself to sleep every night. So for that, I thank you!

The tone here doesn't bother me. That said, my experience having moderated an active message board for an organization I worked for (one that HAD to remain civil because it was associated with a well known nonprofit org so we really couldn't let it get ugly)is that when you respond to comments like the one you criticized yesterday you are better off simply removing the comment and posting that you removed the comment because it was in violation of your posting rules and saying nothing more (and then emailing the commenter personally). Or, if you aren't comfortable removing just post something like, "@rudecommenter - your comment is in violation of our commenting rules. Please be respectful in future comments or they will be moderated. Other commenters - Please refrain from posting anything in response to @rudecommenter. Comments referring to to @rudecommenter's post may be moderated." It keeps the ugly back and forth and "ganging up" that tends to happen where one poster is going against the grain under control. Put it also does kind of makes you feel like you are playing "mom" to the group which can get annoying.

[Brooke]

The one thing I really hate in the comments is when one commenter says something and tons of people jump on her. I think giving people the benefit of the doubt and/or just leaving it alone after a bit should happen more.

Do we really need to pile on to someone whose circumstances we don't know? Maybe she just worded something poorly, maybe her dog just died. Seriously, if you are going to respond to someone, READ THE REST OF THE COMMENTS FIRST. Maybe she came back and clarified or apologized. Let someone say, "hey we don't work that way here" and then let it be.

And yes to 40million commenters saying "don't beat yourself up if you can't breastfeed" when a woman is asking for help TO breastfeed being counterproductive.

I do like that it having a husband isn't the assumed default here.

[Jenny]

I miss Q&A, too. It was eerie how often I'd be dealing with something and the next morning I'd wake up to find a post on that very issue. Lately, I'd think, "Either I run away to Tijuana or I write to Moxie," but I'd rethink, because I knew how mired in all her own stuff Moxie was -- my problems could wait! Maybe that's an issue, too. (Anyone want to give me any hints on the 3.5-year-old INCESSANT WHINING?)

So these days, I skim and nod and rarely comment. But I'm still here.

[wix]

For those of you who miss the Q&A posts, is it because they offer you a chance to share your own opinions and experiences regardless of how Moxie has framed her response, or is it because you just want to read a cut-and-dried advice column (with an interactive feature) and not something more personal that might not be relevant to your current circumstances?

[dieg]

I didnt have time to read everyone's posts and I'm a regular lurker who has commented a small handful of times. But what I really like about Moxie is that there is no dogma. My friend turned me on to this site when we were both walking the halls late at night with sleepy but wide awake babies and Moxie was not just a great resource but a nonjudgmental, nondogmatic place where its not about philosophy or The Right Way or The Wrong Way but about finding solutions that work in every way for you and your kids. And she told us we were doing a good job when we really needed to hear it :-)

I think Moxie shoudl moderate and keep this site as she sees fit. it is evolving as her children grow and thats great- change is good. I might not check in as often because mine is so tiny still but others will who are at the same place as Moxie.

Thanks Moxie for a great site and keeping it safe for everyone. You are doing a great job.

[Chaosgirl]

I started reading your blog soon after my son was born, 14 months ago. My first dose of Moxie was a wonderfully unorthodox entry on sleep problems with an even more wonderfully unorthodox bedtime lullaby (go to sleep, go to sleep, go to sleep you little a**hole...). In my sleep-deprived haze, I burst out laughing, then crying, then laughing again. And boy did I need that laugh. (I also hummed the tune with a wry smile while rocking my son for an hour to eke out a 5 minute nap, during which I rapidly learned to pee, eat, and check your blog all at the same time!)

The warmth and connection I find in your blog is the safety of a place to be human -- not a supercrazydoitallmomwhodeniestheresanythingwrong, but a real woman struggling, succeeding, trying, failing, living, loving -- all complemented by a lively edge.

This blog is an extension of who you are, Moxie and some of who you are has changed significantly over the past few months (I'm thinking of your divorce, career switch, etc). But what hasn't changed is the flavour, your personality. There is still that glorious edge, and there is still the nonjudgemental softness where we can relax and be. The content is a bit different (I too miss the Q & A), but I'm sure I'd be right on board if I were walking in a pair of shoes kind of like yours right now.

(In fact, the first post I ever sent to Moxie, when I was pregnant, had me wondering if I was going to be a single mom in the near future. Go figure...)

Moxie, you do what feels right for you. Like @J said, this is your dinner party. I think it's great that you stepped in on Badmom and called her on it. Your position of power does give your words some extra weight which might leave some smarting, but that should not in turn silence you. You have every right to express your opinion on your blog, just as your posters have every right to get up from the dinner table, thank you for an interesting time, and dine elsewhere.

[Chaosgirl]

and I miss Hedra too.

[TheGoriWife]

I think you're doing a great job - and a great service - here. Thank you so much for fostering this place which has become exactly what you hoped it would, for me at least. I have found so much support and guidance here. Thank you. Thank you.

[hedra]

I'm fine, sorry - swamped with work, dialing in AM and PM to get a set of workshops off the ground. I will try to catch up!

[Alison]

Like many many others this site has kept me sane for the last 10 months of my son's life...and like others, I do miss the Q&A posts but also understand why things have changed - if indeed it is a permanent change! At least we always have the archives - its amazing how much good stuff is in there and how timely and relevant it is even if some of it was written a while ago. I will keep checking in now and then to see how things are going and to check the archives of course, and will remain ever thankful to Moxie + commenters for helping me keep it together on many, many occasions.

[hedra]

Quick jump back in, again.

I agree with the general opinion that we ALWAYS tended to get iffy on tone when it was a discuss topic. Q&A is more clear and directed, so we know where we're going and where others are going and don't get blindsided and react.

[L.]

wix, I miss the Q&A because I'm a pragmatic person and it was about finding solutions to problems. But it was like brainstorming, and in fact I thought it was very individual and personal, with each person bringing their own judgment and experience to the table. And, with all sorts of different people asking questions, there was usually a very empathetic core to the subject: here was this person, whom you could sympathize with and offer help to, maybe just kind words but still something. The actual letter also focuses comments very well: detailed situation, detailed/specific response.

With the philosophical/general question posts, I don't mind them, but (to be brutally honest) I'm not necessarily as interested in reading all the comments and hearing what everyone thinks. I already know what I think and why. Sure, there are topics on which I want (and will seek out) additional information, but there are also others I'm not interested in visiting in great detail.

In contrast, I am perfectly interested in reading Q&A about older children, even though my son isn't two yet. One day he'll be older and I like to be prepared.

[Jen]

I like the Q&A b/c they helped me and I always learn something. Even though the girl is 18 mos. now, I still find useful infor and I'm sure others do too.

BTW, several people have said that they find "don't feel bad if you can't BF" counter-productive if people are seeking help BF'ing. I don't see it as that way AT ALL. Rather, as someone who did not, it makes them realize that there are alternatives if it doesn't work out and that is it is FINE and that they are not bad moms if that is how it ends up. I don't see that as a bad thing.

Moxie- this is your site. I don't always agree with you but it is your choice when and how to moderate. If people are unhappy, there are other forums that they can turn into. Don't mean to be blunt . . . just typing fast as I'm in a hurry.

[Jen]

I like the Q&A b/c they helped me and I always learn something. Even though the girl is 18 mos. now, I still find useful infor and I'm sure others do too.

BTW, several people have said that they find "don't feel bad if you can't BF" counter-productive if people are seeking help BF'ing. I don't see it as that way AT ALL. Rather, as someone who did not, it makes them realize that there are alternatives if it doesn't work out and that is it is FINE and that they are not bad moms if that is how it ends up. I don't see that as a bad thing.

Moxie- this is your site. I don't always agree with you but it is your choice when and how to moderate. If people are unhappy, there are other forums that they can turn into. Don't mean to be blunt . . . just typing fast as I'm in a hurry.

[Shelby]

This post is why I read this blog. You do an excellent job of making it a safe place for moms to respond to things without being judged. I think it is amazing.

[MaggieO]

I think Moxie is completely right to respond to an out-of-line commenter, but like everything else it's all in how you do it. Someone who has always amazed me at her calm yet firm responses is Kate at Sweet and Salty (sweetsalty.com, for anyone who's not already reading). See her posts on cloth diapering for some examples.

Anyway, clearly it's up to Moxie what kind of feel she wants -- she may not want to be quite so diplomatic. I've always wondered how she has the commitment to keep up with this site day in and day out. I could not get enough of Ask Moxie when my son was born so I definitely hope it continues and doesn't stray too far from the advice pieces that make it so great.

[MomAbroad]

This is the first time I've posted on your site, but I felt compelled to simply say thank you for being here. I'm sure you'll be going through all these comments, weighing which direction you want to go, but I just wanted to say thank you for being here and offering us this forum to express ourselves. Your blog has been a great haven for me, even though I simply read and have never posted in the past. For myself, I take solace in that I'm not alone in these daily struggles as I currently live in a foreign country where I still can't read most of the labels of what I buy (ahh the joys...) or understand the language, though I'm working on it as I manage my two adorable terrorists ;o), the copious amounts of people we've received and the simple pleasures of living in a different culture...

I do believe that this is your site and you have every right to step in and arbitrate when need be. Your not forcing us to visit your site and your not trying to brainwash us, you simply offer us a medium in which we can share. If one of us gets out of hand, one should be informed, I know I'm not always very adept at getting my point across (as I confuse three languages in my head), and should I be rude, I should be told...I certainly wouldn't let my kids or any of my friends at that, be rude. Sometimes, I think we have forgotten about being compassionate as opposed to quickly voicing our opinions...

Living abroad has made me struggle with my values as opposed to this country's values, but it has also made me take a step back in trying to understand where they are coming from as opposed to where I'm coming from...I don't live in a third world country, but I do get a lot of pressure to do things differently with my kids, that in which I chose not to do it because it doesn't feel right to me at this time and in this moment. I ultimately know that the people around me here are only doing what they think is right and mean no harm, but that, from time to time, I need to tell them that they are being slightly hurtful and to please respect my choices...And, darn it, I'm the mother, these kids are safe, well fed and tremendously loved, so leave me alone! Whew, I've actually vented!

All this being said, I will continue to come here, as I thoroughly enjoy reading your blog and as per usual, will continue to take what works for me and enjoy reading what others are doing when faced with their own struggles. I think, one of the wisest things you've pointed out to us is that every parent, every child and every circumstance is different and there is no blanket approach to making it all better and what works for one may not work for another. However, sharing the knowledge brings us one step closer to collective bliss within our own homes.

Thank you for being here, I don't think I'll ever be able to express how much this blog keeps me "connected" all the time, sane most of the time, and actually makes me laugh out loud when I need it the most.

[wavybrains]

I miss the old tone. In fact, I had thought about emailing about it, but decided against it because it felt too selfish. However, since you posted, I will say I miss the questions. It's started feeling like every other parenting blog and not ASK Moxie. If you aren't getting questions anymore, perhaps you could ask for them? I miss the real people with real problems and your well-reasoned, amazing responses with your practical sense with a little research thrown in. I know it probably felt like Sleep? Really? More sleep questions? But I really enjoyed having each stage of parenting validated, and that's been lost in recent months. However, it's your site, and you get to take it in whatever direction you see fit, and my own selfish longings are just that. You go in the way your heart leads.

[Laura]

Moxie, another feature I remember liking but haven't seen in a while was your weekly book/product review. It got me thinking that maybe a loose weekly structure would help focus things for you and the readers again. Maybe you could see if there are general trends in the kinds of questions you're getting and address them on different weekdays (i.e. Monday do pregnancy/childbirth, Tuesday do infant issues, Wednesday do toddlers/preschool, Thursday do school-age, and Friday do a review). Maybe it would be worth having periodic guest posters, especially on issues that you're not dealing with on a daily basis anymore (pregnancy, infant care, etc.). Just a few thoughts... and thanks again for all the good work you do here.

[anon]

I **really** wish you'd address some of the stuff being said in this comment section. I agree that your blog has changed from "Ask Moxie" to "Moxie Wants to Know" (or "A Day in the Life of Moxie" with a question in the bag).

Seriously!

[anon]

I **really** wish you'd address some of the stuff being said in this comment section. I agree that your blog has changed from "Ask Moxie" to "Moxie Wants to Know" (or "A Day in the Life of Moxie" with a question in the bag).

Seriously!

[Schwa de Vivre]

You know, I've noticed a change in tone, but mainly in the comments section. I've been reading the past nine months or so -- DS is eleven months, and you saved my sanity with all the information about developmental spurts and sleep. In any case, my read was that AskMoxie readership had burgeoned, and the new comment-leavers (my "generation" and after) weren't always fitting in with what had been. All of which is to say that I don't think any tone problems are coming from you, Moxie -- and beyond that, you're a godsend.

[Lioness]

For what is worth, Moxie, I think you were absolutely right to step in. People make all sorts of choices for valid reasons and this site is and always has been a haven, and for someone to be that judgemental in general, in absolute terms, is incomprehensible and should never be acceptable.

For what is worth, too, I don't even think you were hostile. I found your reply quite restrained and clever. I think a lot of it is cultural; I just came back from Canada and my, I love Canadians, honestly I do, but bring a few to a Portuguese dinner party and they'll think we're all trying to kill each other. It boggled my mind how different we are, they - probably Americans as well - consider "fighting" abuse, i.e., if any shouting is involved - we just shout at each other at times and forget about it. But even from what I personally call an Anglo point of view I don't think you were mean at all - your site, your boundaries, freedom of speech is fine when one respects those boundaries, anyone reading you should know how this site works and respect the rules, anyone not respecting them should get a slap on the wrist, yes. How are we to feel safe if this turns into yet another one of those everything-goes sites?

In a nutshell: Moxie, muito obrigada!

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