Q&A: Keeping kids safe on social networking sites

I am not even going to pretend to know the answer to this question, but I thought I'd bring it up and see if we could come up with anything. It's actually a bunch of questions I've gotten from readers with children of different ages, but it all seems to be part of the same issue of keeping our kids safe on the internet.

I got a couple of questions about sites like Club Penguin, in which the kids create characters and their characters can interact with characters created by other players. My 6 1/2-year-old plays CP, and I have to say that it looks safe to me. The things the characters can say to each other are pretty locked down, and you can report other players for saying things they shouldn't.

Again, the real key seems to be keeping the computer in a common area so you can monitor what your kid is doing, and so your child knows you know what's going on. Talking a lot about what's OK and what's not helps, too. My son has clicked off games he's run into a few times because they had shooting or other things we've talked about not being appropriate for him.

The tougher questions I got were from moms of kids old enough to be on Myspace and Facebook. I'm not on Myspace, so I don't know all the intricacies, but it looks like it's easier to run into trouble there, but also easier for parents to monitor. Your page is just kind of out in the open so anyone can stumble on it and talk to you, but at the same time this means all your business is posted right there for your parents to see.

Facebook is trickier. In some ways it's way safer, because your profile is locked down (assuming you set your privacy settings!) so only people you add to your friends list can see anything about you. But there are also ways to communicate privately with other members on your friends list, so that there's no external evidence of that. One mom who wrote me said that she joined FB to monitor her child on it, and her child knows that and they're FB friends, and she regularly monitors her child's wall. I think that's excellent communication, BUT 1) her child could have her on "limited profile" so she doesn't see everything the child has posted, and 2) no one sees the private messages people send each other. (And, thinking about some private message conversations I've been party to,  well, yeah. There's all sorts of stuff you can't see by looking at people's walls.) So there's no way to know how much she's really seeing of what her daughter does on Facebook. As long as she understands that, it OK.

My 15-year-old cousin is on FB and I know I pop over there every other day just to make sure nothing untoward is happening on her wall (her parents aren't on FB so I feel like I need to watch out for her), but I also know there''s all kinds of stuff I can't see.

I think the trick, though, is that your kids know that you care. And that, yes, they can sneak around you and do stuff they're not supposed to (like we all did), but that you are there trying to keep them safe. The same mom who joined FB also has an agreement with her daughter, so her daughter has written down her usernames and passwords in a sealed envelope just in case her parents need them. That, I think, is an awesome level of trust, on both sides--that the child deserves privacy but her parents need to be able to protect her.

What do you guys think? I'd especially love to hear from parents with kids on social networking sites who are willing to talk about the process you went through with your kids to establish guidelines that respect kids' privacy but also adults' responsibility.

Comments

[Shandra]

@hush I think I agree about younger, but where the line is is hard to say.

Although I really do have a hard time understanding the sites for younger kids - get out in the dirt, already. I'm really not sure to handle the years from say 7-10.

And yet...my nephew is 12 and has a Facebook account, IM, and plays WoW - the last with my husband (we live 4 hours apart; they have a monthly 'date'). Actually all the kids in the family in his generation - from across Canada - have FB accounts and they talk on them a lot. It's kind of cool, when the old auntie can be bothered to check in. :)

Recently we were in his town and all went out for lunch and we asked him how he's enjoying high school (his starts in grade 7). He said that he was a little freaked out by all the drugs (my 13 yr old niece had said the same), and the drug checks of lockers. We asked him why he chooses not to get into drugs (with trepidation), and he said it's stupid. (Yay.)

But he also said that he doesn't want to mess up his life.

And his life really does include a lot of pleasure at being connected online (along with sports, projects, etc.) He has had a difficult time growing up with a lot of instability. I'm kind of impressed at how those tools have helped out.

I also remember being 12 and gaining the freedom to hang out with my friends at the mall, at the park, at the library. And we ran into situations there too - the flasher, temptation to shoplift, creepy college guy chatting us up. But taking those steps was really important.

I just don't see social media as fundamentally different - the HYPE is that online is teeming with predators. The reality is that there are predators in life and each situation requires knowledge and trusted adults to overcome... but online isn't actually that different: it may be easier for a predator to make contact, but it is also harder to get physical access.

So ultimately after all this typing... I think I will make the decision based on how my child is doing, what his own reasoned arguments are for this or that, and where things are when he's old enough.

I don't know. I realize I'm a bit off centre in this regard but I think the media is actually fundamentally fine; it's people that are always the problem at the heart of things... and a life without people in general really sucks.

[enu]

@hush I'm only a gun owner by proxy.... when Mr. enu and I started our lived together (long long ago) we agreed to share all our worldly possessions. I can't even access them, as I have asked him to not divulge the combination to anyone, even me. I have no use for guns - I was made to take riflery in summer camp one year and that was more than enough!

A lot of people own guns illegally. I expect they would be far more likely to lie about it than those who have gone through the surprisingly arduous (based on what you might think from reading the papers) process. I used to have an FID just so's I could pick up a box of 22s if Mr. enu needed them, but then they changed the laws so that you needed a license just for ammo, and I started to work on that but eventually bailed as it was too time consuming (training classes, interview with the local police, documentation, etc.)
Although I agree that the categories of people you list will likely have a gun - Mr. enu is a long time pistol league member - you'd probably be very surprised at all the just ordinary folks who turn out to have a gun.

I think the primary reason for social networking sites (as opposed to some other Net resources) is... to socialize. Would I advocate use for under 12s, I don't know. For one of my kids it is a really important link to the people she only sees during the summer, who come from across the globe, but with whom she shares many interests, including academic ones, so I wouldn't say it is purely social, either. Much of what they do is pure silliness. Okay, but I confess, I spent a great deal of time as a youth making funny noises into my old panasonic tape recorder, playing numerology games with my name and the name of a guy I liked, and lining up plastic animals in rows....

[hush]

@Shandra & enu - You make some excellent points. It seems to me that for certain kids, like Shandra's nephew who lacks stability, FB & the like are a comforting constant in his life. And for enu's kid who uses the sites to stay in touch with international friends - wow, that's definitely a cool thing. I'm starting to get on board with what's good about the sites for certain teens, or for more mature preteens. It really depends on the situation doesn't it? For ill or disfigured children who are socially isolated, I can see how social networking sites could be a real blessing.

Maybe I'm perseverating too much on the "opportunity cost," for lack of a better term, of younger kids/preteens spending their time on the sites instead of doing more physical play. Even if it's walking the mall, where they could get into loads more trouble. There's also the habit-forming aspect of internet use & gaming, generally, that also has me a little concerned about starting kids too young. Lots of food for thought...

@Enu, I actually think the activities you described doing as a kid are healthy, and I would love it if, when my kid is older, he could have the freedom to do those kinds of random, wacky things. Imaginative play, where kids' days aren't so scheduled, and kids get to be bored sometimes & have to come up with self-directed play - I really feel this also a very good thing. Yes, my kid could definitely play at your house. ;)

There's a difference between the type of gun-owning family you are (gun not routinely used, locked in safe), versus the type of gun-owning families who live around me (one gun is on living room wall rack, another is on truck rack, etc.) My kids still get to play with their kids, but they'll be playing at our house or other gun-free site (if they exist anymore). Oh, and I'm reminded of the chapter in "Freakonomics" where the authors assert that it's actually more dangerous to let your child play at the house of a friend whose family has a swimming pool than it is to let your child play at the home of a gun-owning family. Statistically, I'm sure they're correct, but unfortunately my fears don't believe in stats! ;)

[Jac]

@hush - your comment about your fears not believing in stats, is exactly my point yesterday about being scared of online predators. I know that the chances are miniscule - knowing that really doesn't make me feel any better.

[Shandra]

@hush - so with you on the fears. :)

I don't think there are easy answers to any of this stuff.

[enu]

@hush - funny you contrast it with swimming pools. That was one of the areas that I really was a hard*ss about. I would totally grill other parents about supervision around the pool, and would not allow child to go over if I found out that the parent was away from the pool at all while the kids were in. Then again, my child was in a pool accident when she was very little. We were just passing by and the other kids invited her in - there were no other adults around it was just one of those 18 inch deep snapset pools- she jumped in and for reasons never adequately explained to me her eyes rolled up in her head and she started to go under. I grabbed her and took her out and she quickly regained consciousness. But I was the only adult there and we got there last. The other kids ranged from 18 months to about 7. Scary!

[Mimi]

Internet Social Networks (ISNs) are a HUGE topic for me! Between my hubby and I we have 5 children. My DS-22, DD-20, his DD-16 and DS-12 and then we have a DD-3 together. My.Space was becoming popular when the oldest two lived with us and I signed up for it in order to be able to not be left out, but in reality I never hardly went there or observed other than over their shoulders. We have a relative in my kids' family that was actually one of the 14 yr old horror stories of being enticed by an older man online and had lied her way into spending a weekend with him a couple hours away from here. The plan failed when father and step-father showed up to bring her home, but very scary about what could have happened all the same. So everyone learned about her and what not to do then (about 7 years ago).

No last names online, no phone numbers given out in IMs, no street address or school names can be posted, or pm'd and if a photo has the school or city within it then pick another photo. (Mostly photos with team/city or school names.) Friends lists must have friends, not somebody who knows somebody that wants to see your stuff. Until you're 18 years old your friends list has age considerations, such as anyone over 18 that is not related to you is not appropriate for a 12 yr old to have on their list.

Biggest and most important of all is that there is no expectation of privacy. If you want access, we have access. We know that you change your mind and change passwords, but you also know that we understand enough about technology to use software that enables us to view any activity that you are involved with while using our computer as well as many activities on ISNs from alternate locations. We don't plan on spying on you any more than we expect you to lie to us. If one thing happens, then the other might. It works both ways so this is tricky, but somewhat necessary because we are not the only ones parenting them and limits are often different between two households.

There's a basic rule around our house now that says that you don't swear. The truth is that kids don't swear in front of adults. If you go on an ISN and have any swears there then you'd better be prepared to say them to Daddy! If not, then remove them! Photos are a sore point between Daddy and I, as well as some of the public type of communication (status updates) that happen. I wish we could go back to the old days of passing notes in a classroom and maybe 4 of your best friends (max!) know what was in the note. These days you change your status instead and then your list of 279 friends know about your social ups and downs, ins and outs, and get that ultra personal look into your soul. Ugh!! Between that and the girls trying to best each other with captivating photos for the enjoyment of potential admirers or to show what a bad@$$ they are to intimidate other girls there are pages of photos available on any given kid's profile.

Yes, I'm on both ISN's and have only recently become more interested in using FB. The two seem strikingly similar in their security features and it really does come down to the choices that you choose to activate or utilize. One gives you more opportunities to design 'your space' and the other allows for some separation of information that is different from the first, but it is ultimately up to the poster.

Yes, keep the computer in open view. DO the POS (Parent Over Shoulder) and stop to look at what your child is viewing and then talk to them about it! As my older children have moved out the ISNs are a convenient way to touch base with them, have a little fun and see them interacting with their peers.

Oh, and I've had the internet turn on me. Both times it was because I let personal information become public and became lax in thinking that the rest of the world would see through my rose colored glasses. In one instance I was parodied and in another I had someone contact me privately. Both were very unsettling to say the least and why I am more strict about what the kids do online. Our kids think that I'm a tyrant and totally over the top about internet safety but until they are 18 they will have to listen to me give them grief about it! Thanks for the topic Moxie!

[snarkapuss]

Check out this interesting NYT story on the sociological/cultural benefits of online social interactions for teens (viewing may require free login/registration to NYT site):

http://www.nytimes.com/2008/11/20/us/20internet.html?hp