I've been on a self-imposed media blackout for several days now, so I could finish my first freelance project with no distractions. No internet, no TV, not even a phone.
It's funny, you know. I leapt headfirst into what feels like it's supposed to be my new life, quitting my full-time job, without really thinking about what the transition would be like. And I knew it was going to suck, because I'd taken on what was essentially a full-time freelance project while I still had fa full-time job to finish out. But I didn't realize how fully I'd fallen out of my old freelance mentality, and how painful it would be to shoehorn myself back into it.
As I see it, there were two big problems:
1) I just can't stay up anymore like I used to be able to*. At about 10:30 pm, my mind just shuts down. So trying to do anything substantive after the kids were in bed was dicey at best.
2) I'm not used to producing content. My freelance job is producing content (sort of educational in nature--the kind of thing you never think about an actual human having written), and for the last 1 1/2 years I've been doing a full-time job that was mostly about talking to people, fixing their problems, being the repository of knowledge (I do have a freakish memory for details about clients), and teaching people to do things. All of those things are process things. I can do two or three at a time, and they all fit together and time can always expand to do more of them.
But this freelance job is about producing actual content, on actual topics, with actual things that are right and wrong, and ways things have to be done. And I was completely out of practice with that. Somehow, I thought that I was going to be able to think the content into existence and have it magically appear in the right format. Or, basically, that I could just show up and figure things out to solve problems for people, like I do in every other task in my life.
Having worked on the freelance project for 60 of the previous 72 hours, I have discovered some things:
a) It's like riding a bike. If you could do something before, you can do it again. Getting back into the zone may have felt like giving birth again, but now that I'm here it's kind of fun.
b) It's one thing to a have a work ethic. It's another thing to realize you're a single mom and you just quit your easy, comfortable job and this is what's going to pay your rent and health insurance and buy bagels for your kids. When you can't think anymore at 2:30 am, set the alarm for 5:30 am, because Yes, We Can.
b.1) Hey--5:30! Wake up, switch laptop on, and jam on the work for 90 minutes in bed before the kids wake up. Dude. Who'd have thought?
c) I can only listen to '40s music for about four hours before I start to go a little batty. I sequestered myself in a cafe near my house to just slam through the work for two days straight, and they play a radio station that calls itself "High Standards" that plays nothing but singers and standards from the '40s and '50s. My previous time spent at that cafe was in three hour increments, and the music seemed cozy and fun. Who doesn't like a little Ella, you know? But after four hours, and then six hours, and then ten hours, I really just wanted to stab Jack Jones' eye out with a pencil. And what's with all the Ella? It wouldn't kill you to play some Keely or June once in awhile, you hackneyed dilettantes.
So now I'm pacing myself. Trying to work it out. Aiming for my life goal for the next few months: No, no drama. No, no, no, no drama.
What's up with you all?
* Does that construction really make
sense from an elegance-of-language point of view? Shouldn't we be able
to say in American English "I just can't stay up anymore like I used to
could"? Or is it just me?
CONGRATS to you, Caramama! Can't wait to hear how the journey goes for you. I hope the 1st-tri difficulties have been managable.
@Brooke - our baby boys must be almost the same age: 9/25? You? I am still surprised by the penis and very nervous & vigilant about its condition. My 23-month-old daughter can now say "penis" very distictly and with great enthusiasm. Awesome.
@Maria - You have been stressing about this move for so long ... I wish it were working out better. With time, it will. Strength & love to you.
We are struggling mightily through the Terrbile Twos + sibling adjustment. I am really flummoxed about which of the (many) exasperating/infuriating behaviors are developmental and which are adjustment-related. I don't know / can't tell. Not that it really matters. I am still flummoxed, exasperated and infuriated. And tired.
Big blow-up with DH about a longstanding issue that rears its ugly (ugly, ugly) head every few years. Our positions are just intractable. I have compromised all I can (which is very little). He may just have to live with it this way because I can't budge any more. Usually it seems like that is ok with him, but every so often ... GAH.
Marriage & parenthood is hard, y'all. HARD.
Posted by: MrsHaley | November 14, 2008 at 04:08 PM
Congrats, Caramama! That is such good news.
Posted by: Cloud | November 14, 2008 at 05:17 PM
@ ramy: we must live parallel lives.
i don't dare take the paci from the 3 1/2 year old yet. he is punishing us for having his brother (7 months old) by still pooping in his pants everyday. before the baby was born, i was hesitant to start potty training and pacifier weaning because of the potential regression. now i wish i had because we're in so deep with the resistance that i'm sure the baby will be weaned and potty trained before his older brother!
sigh.
Posted by: professor mama | November 14, 2008 at 09:06 PM
@caramama.....hooray! I know how much your heart wanted this second baby. I will be reading your blog religiously so I don't miss the big reveal. Thanks for sharing!
Posted by: Julie | November 14, 2008 at 10:48 PM
YAY caramama! :) (I had to remind myself to not go to your blog and leap about there..)
Posted by: hedra | November 15, 2008 at 06:41 AM
@professor mama, did he regress shortly after turning 3? Because if I recall correctly stool-control regression is NOT unusual at that age for boys, and it might not be entirely baby-related.
My nephew did the same thing, total loss of the control he was gaining until he was nearly 4. It took different strategies at that point as he moved into the more physically regulated capacity of a near-4-year-old, but he trained in about three days when he was a month shy of 4. Mainly he needed HUGE amounts of empathy. My mom took him for three days, and spent a lot of time saying 'you REALLY don't want to go potty. YOU HATE when people tell you to go try. YOU DON'T WANT TO! YOU DON'T WANT TO! It makes you ANGRY. You feel REALLY ANGRY.' until all she was hearing back from him was "YES! I ANGRY! YES!" Once she seemed to be completely on his team (as angry as he was, for him, or appeared to be at least fully able to empathize all.the.way.down.), he became willing.
Totally sucks trying to do that with a crawler/pre-crawler in tow, too.
Anyway, that's how it worked out over here. He had soft stools (he's a fiber-hound), he was in the physically-less-coordinated/lower-sensory-processing 3 1/2 zone, and he wanted to feel understood before he would comply.
He also got loads of positive words, attention, and praise (plus treats) for using it, so there was also a reward system. X for trying, X+1 for pee, X+3 for poop.
It is also the age that the potty presents thing seems to work - who was that who did the potty presents? It was someone here.
Anyway, my sympathies. Not sure if you are interested, have time, or have already done so, but the book Siblings Without Rivalry was a huge turnaround for us when we added Mr B to the mix. G was Not Happy even though he'd asked for a sibling repeatedly. Just a few tweaks from that book changed everything (or enough, anyway - they still get in tangles, but there's plenty of love, too).
Posted by: hedra | November 15, 2008 at 07:01 AM
Way to get knocked up, Caramama!! That's fantastic news.
And a whooo hooo! for Moxie! Yes, you can.
I second the "my brain doesn't work after 10:30pm" sentiment, and that capturing time in the wee hours (which was anathema to me for most of my life) is one way of packing in the hours. I have SAD and do light therapy every morning so I have to get up at least an hour before everyone else to get my light. Sometimes I goof off and check my fav. blogs (particularly on weekends, like today), but most mornings I work.
It is amazing how we can adapt to our circumstances. We are currently swimming in the day care petri dish and are learning how to function when you're always unwell to some extent. I impressed myself a few weeks ago when I learned that I could take care of my son by myself (DH away for work) while I too was running a fever. You just do it because you have to.
A practical question - My 13 mo son has been *screeching* on the change table for about two months now, since he started day care . The child is inconsolable while being changed or clothed and, though we can cope, I'd like to find a less traumatic way of getting these tasks done. I've tried all the distractions -- toys, singing, etc. but the only one that works is giving him a bottle. I now suspect that he screeches because he expects the bottle so I'm working on breaking that association. But I wonder if there's something else going on. Has anyone else fought a similar battle?
Also, our son has started the tantrums. Oi vey. Isn't that for the terrible twos?? He knows a handful of signs but has started refusing to use them. I had enough of this screeching for everything this past week so I intervened with some radical behaviour modification.
He's slowly starting to use them again but not after about 45 min of screaming while I calmly said, "No, we don't scream for a bottle, we use our signs" (and my insides self-pureed.)
Tell me it's not going to get worse than this when he's two. Tell me that my son is just "advanced" and will not ramp up to some unknown level of hystrionic protest in about 6 months. Yes please...PLEASE LIE to me...tell me those sweet sweet lies that keep us going....
Posted by: Chaosgirl | November 15, 2008 at 07:09 AM
@chaosgirl, your son is advanced and will stop screaming tomorrow. he'll come to you calmly and make the sign for 'change' so you can lovingly change his diaper, then inspect the potty and give you eye contact letting you know he'll do that next time.
how's that? :)
my 2-year-old-dec-1st is almost standing by himself! woohoo! he'll be walking soon, and maybe talking! i'm envious of those who can talk about so & so week regressions, etc, since his preemieness and 7 1/2 months in the hosp & developmental delays makes him totally all over the map.
Posted by: marci | November 15, 2008 at 09:43 AM
Yay - Moxie's back! Great for you, I'm infinitely impressed with how you've managed your major life changes these past few months. You're an inspiration.
Usually a lurker, but will share that we're 12 weeks along with #2! Wondering how (or if we can) transition #1 into a big-girl bed? She'll be 21 mos. when #2 is born. Any think that's too young? Any advice is appreciated. Really don't want to buy another crib, want to move her into her "new" bedroom and let #2 have the gender-neutral nursery!
Posted by: jennyG | November 15, 2008 at 09:52 AM
@chaosgirl, have you tried standing changes? From about 14 months to about 20 months, that's the primary method for us (and touch your toes to do the poopy wipes, something I learned from the kids being in preschool). They're messy, but better than the screaming.
And our tantrums started at 15 months on the dot, every time. As soon as they finished up the 14 month misery, they started working the tantrums. Sigh. Empathy, boundaries, empathy, boundaries, picking battles, waiting for the nice voice before saying yes, finding yes instead of no, highlighting positive behavior and neutral/boring negative (not even related behaviors, usually, just 'next positive thing gets my attention'), litanies (see my blog, I don't have the mental energy just now to go over them), I'll try to think up the others and do a 'toddler management' post soon.
Brain totally fried. Work is ... just odd. They desperately need my help, and I can't see them being willing to accept the help they need. Bonus, I managed to overstep an undrawn boundary with the client (whee). Nothing like being told by two higher ups and the client that they want to hear it straight (and that I was being given the power and authority to manage the entire function I'm assigned), and only later find out that the client cannot tolerate anything but sucking up, but just tells you that they want it straight so you can phrase your suck-up so it doesn't sound so much like a suck-up. Oh, and that power and authority, nobody is supposed to know you have any. Uh, great. So... sigh. Not a good day, Friday.
Posted by: hedra | November 15, 2008 at 12:10 PM
congrats caramama!
Posted by: Lisa F. | November 15, 2008 at 12:12 PM
and congrats jennyg!
hedra, hugs for Friday, ugh.
Posted by: Lisa F. | November 15, 2008 at 12:14 PM
good grief, could I manage to say everything I need to in one post...sheesh.
Mrs Haley, I hear you re: parenthood & marriage. holy crap.
right now I hate everyone in my house. my period is late (no reason for worrying unless it's another immaculate conception just reason for IRRITABILITY) the kid was up screaming 5 times last night, needed to pee, too tired to. Day 7 of DH at home "staycation", reeeeeaaaaalllly relaxing, yeah. DS not eating, probably damn molars which are barely visible in gums meaning we have weeks and weeks of this lovely crap.
and we were supposed to visit preschool/drop off paperwork but new childcare provider didn't call when she said she would, again. I'm sympathetic, she has a 4yo, 2yo, and 4month old, and she was at vet's for pet emergency when I caught her yesterday, but I'm feeling anxious about her being so overwhelmed.
Posted by: Lisa F. | November 15, 2008 at 12:20 PM
@hedra & professor mama, we did the potty presents for poop, it worked brilliantly for intense little Mouse, who was pee-trained but withholding. Key things were to follow the method exactly:
-wrap up the little presents and put them in a bowl somewhere in the bathroom (can be out of reach if the kid would grab)
-say NOTHING about it, wait for the kid to ask even if it takes a week
-when they finally ask, answer partially and calmly and immediately change the subject, a la "oh, those are your poopoo presents--do you want to go to Greg's house later?"
-wait, while saying NOTHING, for the next question ("what's a potty present?")
-when they do ask, follow the same method--answer calmly and immediately change the subject
-at least for us, this got us to the point where Mouse was talking about which present she wanted to open the first time she pooped in the potty...and a couple days later she needed to go, I said "do you want to get that present?", she said ok, she did it, opened the present, and that was basically the end of that (we kept carrying a little present with us on outings and keeping them up for a while--eventually she stopped needing them)
I think this worked because a)she was definitely physically ready; b)it gave us a structured way to be casual about it; c) presents are hard to resist :)
&hedra, ouch, sorry you had to deal with crazy corporate stuff your first week! Hope it will improve.
Posted by: Charisse | November 15, 2008 at 01:42 PM
@ hedra --- thank you for your thoughtful response.
i don't know if this is regression or not because he has pooped on the potty maybe 5 times, i think, since we started "training" 6 months ago. he is a daily pooper (sometimes 2X per day) so i wouldn't think those 5 isolated times created any sort of benchmark.
we've tried rewards (stickers, the bowl of little gifts, buying him something big), but once he got the reward, he reverted back to putting his poop in his underpants. when we took the reward away, he said, "that's okay. i'll just hold my poop." which led to some serious constipation.
we've tried going naked. he just poops on the floor.
we've tried sitting, and sitting, and sitting. sitting at the same time everyday, making it relaxing, reading books. he sits, and then poops in his underpants as soon as he gets up.
he tells us repeatedly that he's still a baby and that's why he doesn't want to use the potty. not sure how much of a reliable narrator he can be at this age, but anyway.
we've tried compassion and totally taking off the pressure, but not so much the empathy words that you described. we can try that, but we're really not too optimistic that anything will work...
he is 3 1/2 and developmentally advanced in all areas. he's as stubborn as a mule, self-willed, and highly independent. he's a montessori kid, and tells us, "i am choosing to poop in my underpants." um, hello? who would choose THAT?
i've read SWR and love that book. i couldn't find anything relevant to potty training, though....
can you tell i'm swimming in a sea of pessimism? i wash out 2 or 3 pair of poopy underwear A DAY and i am sick.of.it.
Posted by: professor mama | November 15, 2008 at 01:47 PM
@professor mama, big hugs, tons of them!! He sounds like a very bright kid, well capable of outwitting an exhausted parent. No advice beyond enjoying the good parts and commiserating here about the rough parts--I swear it's been several months since Mouse went to bed before 10pm because, well, she somehow gets around everything. No doubt it will work out for your DS, but it sucks that you have to deal with the dirty underwear while it's happening. So, um, hugs.
Posted by: Charisse | November 15, 2008 at 03:06 PM
@professor mama--that totally sucks.
my girl has always pooped in the potty (she got that first), but since this summer she has started leaking pee. We aren't sure if this is regression or if she simply gets too interested in whatever she is doing to go to the bathroom. and then fights us when we remind her to go. I"m so sick of stinky underwear and trousers. Plus, the recycled tire groundcover at daycare might be soft for falls, but it turns pants BLACK when mixed with pee.
oh, and dd's paci? she lost her last pacis just after the baby was born and we moved. So we gave her a pink paci that came in one of his packs (he refuses to take one) b/c we didn't want to take away everything all at once. She chewed on it so much I started to wonder if she's teething and then I noticed she's chewed holes in it. I'd warned her about that so I was able to throw it away with minimal complaint at the time.
that said--she hasn't gone to sleep at a reasonable hour in a few days now b/c she pretty much has to drop to sleep w/o a paci. and comes into our bed early. fingers crossed for improvement. Our bed is too small for 2 grown ups 2 kids and a cat.
Posted by: ramy | November 15, 2008 at 03:42 PM
Good to see you’re back Moxie.
I was watching a birthing program the other day, I’m weird that way, and I learned a new sleep solution that I have to share.
I don’t remember if this method was ever mentioned in the recent Sleep post.
If it was mentioned, please forgive me. If it hasn’t been mentioned give it try and let me know how it works! I must also admit I didn't hear who created this method. If someone knows the woman who created this, please share—credit where credit is due!
This method says children begin learning about sleep patterns between 6-8 weeks. This also works for older children.
This method advocates putting baby/toddler to sleep while drowsy but still semi-awake. It also advocates feeding upon waking, not feeding to go sleep.
After you have laid her down in the crib, get down on your knees to the level of the mattress, so you're at eye level with the child.
For those little ones that can stand this means she doesn't need to stand up to see if you’re still there—which wakes her up again.
Begin patting the mattress, NOT the child. This allows the child to experience the same comfort of being patted to sleep AND encourages her to find her own internal self-soothing techniques so she can use them for her entire life.
I know this would have worked with Taller because it would have allowed me to create a pattern that taught him—you lay down when you’re tired and use your own self-soothing methods to fall asleep. And while you’re learning I’m right beside you patting the mattress, but not touching you. There’s no abandonment, which is what Taller couldn’t take.
Posted by: Sharon aka Mommie Mentor | November 16, 2008 at 12:20 PM
"Used to could" is Southern. Totally, totally Southern.
Posted by: Katherine | November 16, 2008 at 04:18 PM
@caramama- yay for you!! omg i am so happy for you- congrats and be well!
i have to say, i am so happily surprised how well the weekend went- still can't believe we are finally upstairs, had a busy but manageable weekend, baptized the bean (he was a champ!) and it was great having family and friends over afterwards to see our progress. maybe we changed the chi or fung shue in the house but things seem so good and peaceful, for a welcome change. today we vegged out and did nothing, which is wonderful for a change. miss my sister and nephew too much already- i still sort of can't believe they're gone from here. have a teeny bit of work to do tonight for work, then back to relaxing. sigh :)
Posted by: pnuts mama | November 16, 2008 at 05:33 PM
Hm, this seems like an opportunity to post a question about ibuprofen-
My daughter has been working on her canine teeth for MONTHS. All her other teeth took two or three bad weeks, but these have been bothering her off and on since August. (Anyone else experienced that?) So we've been giving her a single shot of motrin more nights than not for months. (Tylenol does nothing.) I hate using the motrin, but it's the only way she'll, um, "sleep" (read, have a less-horrific night than if she had no motrin). Our Dr. said it's fine, but I would like to hear other opinions. I often get my best info on this site.
Also, if anyone has or has had a baby who still slept terribly at 17 months or beyond, could I email you? I'm feeling very alone in that department, which makes me feel worse.
Thanks!
Posted by: joanna | November 16, 2008 at 08:57 PM
@pnuts mama, forgot to congratulate you on the renovation being done! must be wonderful, and glad to hear weekend went well.
@joanna, HUMONGOUS hugs to you dear, canine teeth SUCKED (all teething has sucked in our house but oh well) my son would smash his face on his little wood table. we dosed the hell out of him on baby motrin & tylenol, after using the homeopathic stuff which helped some w/initial teeth. I was like, "can we get some morphine, PLEASE???"
I think starting w/canines & then to molars the teeth are so much chunkier, harder to get through the gum. and it does seem like it takes forever.
am so sorry to hear that you are dealing with this, and know how alone you must feel, no one I know in real life has had such a bad time as we have had, we get folks saying "Really?! well, we *never* know when she's teething, just all of a sudden, she's got more teeth!" which just makes me insane.
You Are Not Alone. And You Will Get Through. I can't think of anything that will help except time which sounds shitty and useless. Sorry!
Posted by: Lisa F. | November 16, 2008 at 10:11 PM
@ Joanna - Hello! This is now my life! I often joke that my poor kid has a raisin for a liver due to all the tylenol and motrin given to her, with homeopathic stuff, over the course of her life. Truly - it is kind of crazy to think that most days than not, at least recently, she has had something. Sleep is now for shit in my house too and she is 19 months. Email me at onehappycow at gmaildotcom if you want to commiserate! (FYI, I am a nurse and my doc also said that if you are dosing appropriately to weight and using the recommended time frames, there is no harm in using tylenol or motrin. at least that is what i tell myself:))
@ caramama - I totally suspected, but wasn't sure, and I don't even know why I did. Maybe all the tired posts? Anyways - CONGRATS! I am so happy for you and praying for you and your family. Hopefully week 14 comes soon and you get into the golden trimester:)
@ Moxie - glad you are back - I missed you!
Posted by: onehappycow | November 16, 2008 at 11:27 PM
@ Joanna - I swear she is getting a mouthful of teeth (very slow in that dept) at once too which makes even the daytimes oh so much fun! good luck and email if you want!
Posted by: onehappycow | November 16, 2008 at 11:28 PM
@Joanna and onehappycow, not there now, but wanted to let you know I was TOTALLY there this time 3 years ago--you are so not alone. Slow, clustery teether, right in the 18-month sleep regression (and for us, a daycare change too); giving her ibuprofen most nights and worrying about it despite doctor's ok. It. Will. Pass. For a while I really wanted to embroider a sampler that says "This tooth shall pass"...except I can't embroider. But it will. You guys and your little darlings will get through this, and you're doing the right thing to help them as much as you can.
Posted by: Charisse | November 17, 2008 at 01:40 PM
So glad Moxie is okay and is back. I missed all of the wonderful posts!
@joanna Feel free to email me, carries@iuoe825 dot org. I have a 15.5 month old and we have had sleep issues since the beginning. It has gotten better since I stopped nursing at 13 months, but he is still not sleeping through the night. We are currently going through some bad teething as well. One on the top and one on the bottom-both are one of the bigger molar like teeth. We usually give the Gentle Naturals drops or the Humphrey's tablets. Neither work for these teeth so now we are using Baby Orajel Nighttime Formula. That works, temporarily ;) We seem to get a couple of hours. I was thinking about trying Motrin since Tylenol does nothing for us as well. Maybe Motrin and Orajel?
I'm just starting to feel better (not sure if it's temporary or not) after months of lonely, depressed, angry hopelessness. Sleep deprivation is the most evil inhumane problem I've endured.
On the potty training subject, we put my daughter in big girl underwear when she went poopy on the potty about two weeks ago. She only did that twice and then resorted to going in her pants. I read how some kids do that for months, years even and did not want to end up there. I searched on Amazon and found Where's the Poop? & Even Firefighter's go to the Potty... These two books seemed to help her within two days. I think she just needed to make the connection that everyone poops in the potty. Can’t be sure, but whatever it was it worked. Hope this helps someone else.
Posted by: Carrie Anne | November 17, 2008 at 03:47 PM
@chaosgirl; We went through that. Wants to move, wants to communicate, SO MUCH going on inside and wants to TALK - has to slow down to use signs and WANTS TO DO IT ALL NOW and you are trying to get him to lie down calmly for, like, two whole minutes. AAAGH!
what helped us; combo of more signing, more choices (red sippy or blue sippy? sneakers or boots/ whatever), validating/recognizing his emotions dramatically (found the Happiest Toddler on the Block video stuff useful for this).
also: try doing a change standing up. Standing up while holding a book or toy is even better.
Posted by: Lisa | November 17, 2008 at 04:10 PM
and: Yay, caramama!
Posted by: Lisa | November 17, 2008 at 04:12 PM
and; Joanna, seconding the Motrin + homeopathy + time. Plus fruit-juice popsicles. My god, am I glad to be through teething - sending good thoughts your way.
Posted by: Lisa | November 17, 2008 at 04:12 PM
and: Maria: Good thoughts, and strength, to you as well. Please let us know how it's going.
Posted by: Lisa | November 17, 2008 at 04:13 PM
and finally: Charisse! We must dish. Was it F______ school that underwhelmed you? Why? What's your secret public? Just getting a jump on the anxiety (I'm strangely calm about the preschool scramble).
Posted by: Lisa | November 17, 2008 at 04:14 PM
Joanna: my email is lisa AT ampedit DOT com. Write me if you wanna talk nonsleeping toddlers.
Posted by: Lisa | November 17, 2008 at 04:17 PM
@Lisa, yes, high time for coffee! And yes, it was F______ ...and it's not that there was anything exactly wrong with it, it just didn't feel like us--SO shiny, SO structured, such a very scripted tour, so very white. And somehow, an Eastern vibe--my little 5th-gen California girl needs a Cali school. :) (Not that I'm sad to not be applying to a school that costs $23k before you even add aftercare or summer--I'm pretty sure our mutual alma mater was less than that when we were there.)
And the "secret" public bears the name of a famously murdered supervisor. Happens to seem to suit us, not sure everyone would be into it.
More over a caffeinated beverage soon? Hope you and T are well!
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