Happy Thanksgiving! Are they growing up too fast?

Happy Thanksgiving to all the Canadians out there. And Happy Columbus Day to the Americans. (I hope you got the day off.)

Someone sent me a question that touched on something I've been thinking about for months now, ever since I went back to work. The question was in the middle of a bunch of other stuff, so I'm paraphrasing the relevant sentences:

"I worry that he grew up because he had to, not because he was ready to. And that no matter what I do, not having me during the day forced him to toughen up too soon."

I've wondered the same thing about my older son. When I went back to work, it was the end of his pre-K year. We had two different babysitters in four months, and I really did not have anything organized or running smoothly. (In addition, all my emotions were in upheaval because we were dealing actively with the divorce at that point, but the kids still didn't know.)

I stayed as connected as I possibly could, but he just didn't get the face time with me that he had had before. And then when he started Kindergarten, with that teacher that we both disliked so much, I just couldn't be there when he got out of school. That killed me. He grew up and toughened up so much in that year, and it's always going to haunt me.

But I also think that it might have happened the same way if I'd been there for him at home the whole time. He's very intense and feels things deeply, but is self-contained. He might have worked through all of it mostly in his own head in those four hours every day between when he got out of school and when I got home. And it's possible that being home might have made things worse for him somehow, too.

This may just be another one of those things that I feel guilty about for the rest of my life, but that may not have had a negative effect on my child at all.

Thoughts? About this specifically, or regrets and wonder in general?

Comments

[Mar]

So many of the previous commenters voiced my own thoughts about feeling generally good about working outside the home so I'll just add "me too" to that. THe one low point in my 2year old's daycare tenure happened during a two week period when he was having a tough time transition to a new room. THEN I felt guilty and sad for him and HATED the people who told me that it was "good for him" to face this uncomfortable transition. He wasn't even two at that point! But we worked it out, patiently, between the daycare teachers, our son, and ourselves, and now he's once again so happy to arrive at daycare and happy at the end of the day. I think it all goes back to Moxie's "parenting as a dialogue" trope -- which just feels so organicall correct to me, true for small rifts, big ones, and those times when we're just going through the days.

[anna]

Delurking.... S isn't even 11 months old and already in daycare four days a week, which just feels like too much for him, and for too long hours (I only get to see him for 15 mins to nurse before I head out, and then to bathe and put to bed when I get home) but then I don't even love looking after him (most) days when I do have him. So. There's some guilt.

[hedra]

@Mar, I hate the 'it's good for them' thing - though I do think that the process of working out whatever IS your reality, with care and consideration, no matter how un-ideal it is in our ideal worlds, is definitely good for them. Watching us place value where we place it is illuminating for them.

I was lucky to have care providers who mainly ADORED my kids, who miss them, who were tender, gentle, and loving towards them, who gave them back to me with a hint of reluctance at the end of the day. I didn't worry so much about them under those conditions.

I also tend not to feel guilt. Guilt is about believing that we have made an error we KNEW we could have avoided, or made a choice out of selfishness or shortcutting or other self-serving intentions, and that we feel requires redress. When you feel guilty, you're required to take additional action in order to re-balance the scales.

I think most of us actually feel regret, not guilt, but Americans in particular are NOT taught to separate the two feelings. Regret is from having made a considered choice that is imperfect and may have consequences for others, but for which there is no need to do more than acknowledge the regret exists. It's a clean feeling, not a sticky one. It doesn't accumulate other feelings or snowball. It just is what it is. Regret is part of life, universal, typical, normal. Guilt is not necessary most of the time, but guilt is what we're taught to feel. If not shame (which is when we feel we personally are less-than, failures as people, unworthy in comparison to other humans).

Anyway, just re-reading the feeling as regret can make a huge difference. Try it sometime!

[AmyinTexas]

I totally regret my divorce for my kids' sake (not for my own... I'm happy with my decision for me). It makes me so sad to see a happy nuclear family. Even when we are out and about--the 5 of us--we are all keenly aware that we are a "modern" family with all the baggage that entails. I wanted "Leave it to Beaver" for my kids... I gave them something very different. I feel guilty about making them deal with that.

[Chaosgirl]

@stacy -- Yeah, you're right. Ideally, the social group our children is raised in is one formed by their tribe, not a random collection of adults and children.

I also want to echo the feeling guilty about not feeling guilty sentiment. I think my son is doing pretty well in day care. In fact, I know he's doing better there than at home because he's around a group of people engaging in stimulating activities. When he's home with me, he gets restless and bored. When I'm at home with him, I get restless and bored (hmmm...must be something genetic going on).

After a day of fun & games (him at day care, me in my laboratory), we get together and play for a few hours. So far, it's working out pretty well (food intolerance stuff aside).

@Caramama -- indeed. If his day care wasn't good, I'd be worried and feeling terrible.

[Cloud]

@Stacy- I somehow missed your comment earlier. I can't imagine that any developmental delays would be caused by NOT being in day care. If you don't mind reading a book heavy on the science, go get "What's Going on in There" by Lise Eliot. I read that in the last few weeks before Pumpkin was born, and came away feeling a lot better. Yeah, there is a lot of (mostly suggestive, not conclusive) research about how we can give our kids the best possible developmental chances, but none of the effects were particularly big, unless the researchers did something drastic, like raise mice in absolute darkness or something. A lot of development comes down to genetic luck.

To actually cause a developmental delay you'd have to be doing something insane, like leaving your kid in a crib and not interacting with him all day.

I wish we could all find more peace with our parenting decisions. We are all doing what seems like the best thing to do for our kids and our families. So much is out of our control as parents, and yet we seem to feel that we need to do everything just right, or bad things will happen to our kids. Rationally, I know that is not true, but emotionally, I feel that, too. (Interestingly, Hubby does not, and can't figure out why I feel like others are judging my mothering. I don't know what, if anything, that tells us.)

[heather]

I recently read David Eddie's "Housebroken: Confessions of a Stay-at-Home Dad". The one part that most resonated with me (even though I'm not a Dad nor am I current SAH) is when David takes a tour of the daycare centre across the street from his home. He sees all these kids running around and having fun with many toys and he worries that his infant son is "understimulated". I thought YES! That's exactly what almost every new mom I've met has thought...could/should I be doing more?

Not to say SAH is better or worse than daycare...just to say that I found it interesting that a new Dad also grapples with the "am I a good enough parent?" question (and in print nevertheless!)

[Alex]

Good to know I'm not the only one.

I've been thinking about this, and I completely agree that having childcare that one is comfortable with is huge. I feel very lucky to have what I do; truth be told, I also gave up some serious opportunities to stay in my hometown (where my mom, who provides about 50% of my son's non-parental care, lives). Worth doing, but also worth mentioning...

Beyond that, I've said this here before but I'll say it again. I started motherhood as a stepmom to two teenagers and they're good kids (now good adults), but pretty early on (I'm also a college educator so, sadly, have been a witness to a number of tragic events over the years, some closer and some more remote) I realized that even if you raise good kids with love in a good community, at least in contemporary US society there's going to come a point where the best advice you can give them is, "Just don't drink so much you pass out and aspirate your own vomit" (I am thrilled to report, though, that at least if my SKs and their friends are representative, the "don't drink and drive" message seems to have permeated the airwaves). And once you get there, a lot of the rest of this stuff just seems like splitting hairs. And no, I don't believe that the quality of daycare in the infant/toddler years is going to determine who needs, and who doesn't, the above advice.

I really don't fully "get" how we reached a point where we (sometimes seem to) think it is better for kids to have a single adult (mom) who is exclusively responsible for them, rather than having a small hoard of competent, caring individuals with different expertises and specialties and energies all nurturing children. I know that some of it is that many of us don't have access to a small, reliable hoard and are doing the best we can where we find ourselves, but that the SAHM on call 24/7 (even for non-emergencies) is in some sense the "ideal" strikes me as bizarre.

In this vein, I'll sort of recommend reading Judith Warner's Perfect Madness, though I think its length and density could have been cut by 1/3 or more to its benefit.

[Alma]

I am coming late to the discussion here. I just started back to work today after 3.5 years home with my little one. Once I'm through training, I'll work part-time, per diem with a mostly virtual office where I can schedule my field time to coincide with preschool hours. Theoretically it should be more or less ideal for now. But the training is much more rigorous and requires a mishmash of help between my husband, grandma, and other care providers from preschool/church over the next few weeks.

My daughter started playing out mommies working during my interview period and once she was told the plan for the week while I'm working started having sleep troubles. Two nights ago she started crying in her sleep and when I went it cried out "I need you!" tonight she again started crying in her sleep. She says she doesn't have words to talk about it when asked directly but immediately volunteers a toy to talk about its mommy and daddy working.

I know she's working the transition out in a normal and healthy way, and yet it tugs at my heart strings more than I knew it would. How to manage MY feelings is the issue for me, here. I know how to support my daughter in her process, less aware of how to support myself in mine during this phase....

@Hedra - I appreciate your distinction of regret vs guilt. Thank you for posting it.

[suzanna]

@ Hedra: I also tend not to feel guilt. Guilt is about believing that we have made an error we KNEW we could have avoided, or made a choice out of selfishness or shortcutting or other self-serving intentions, and that we feel requires redress. When you feel guilty, you're required to take additional action in order to re-balance the scales.

Exactly! Regret is definitely a better way to think about it.

[Claudia]

Perhaps it's just noise to most of you, but I guess I should give my input that is closer to Alex's than the others. Admittedly, my circumstances are a bit different.

I live in Denmark, and had nearly a year of maternity leave (actually, it's just leave. After the first 3 months where the child stays home with mom, the parents can divide it up between them however they like). Then my daughter was put into daycare 5 days a week, about 7 hours a day.

What a revelation for me! I could relax, clean, shop, whatever and not be tense about whether I was neglecting her or neglecting myself. We both got our needs taken care of.

She's now 2.5, and very happy with her daycare lady. It's a small, in-home one with 3 other kids, though it's a business run by the county. There are scheduled and surprise visits. They get together with other daycares 3 times a week in the local preschool and the local grade school gym, so the providers have some adult contact, and the kids get to hang out with other kids. The kids also get familiar with these places before they actually attend them. I love that.

They also don't care what the heck the kids drink out of. Whatever the family does, is what they do.

I have guilt about all sorts of things, but most of it I can acknowledge as minor and let it go. She's a happy girl, and adjusts well to many situations. I realize she just is this way, and my influence may be small. However, I now have a very fulfilling job, and it's clear that "if mama ain't happy, nobody's happy."

And an aside pet peeve: I really think it diminishes the experience of a real single mother to call ourselves single mothers when the father is away from home, but still providing half/the lion's share of household income. Yes, we're on our own as far as taking care of the daily stuff, but the job situation is vastly different. And no, I'm not a single mother.

[kelly]

Oh, wow. I am sitting in a hotel ballroom in Shanghai - a world away from a 4-year-old and a 15-month-old, doing a big fat job that I love but feeling guilty all the while. This is exactly what i needed.

[Julie B]

WOW! Regret vs guilt. That totally make sense! That will forever change my perspective and take some of the weight off. Thank you Hedra!!! That is huge for me.

[diedre]

the guilt is endless from what i can tell and ive only been at this for 11 months. i feel guilty no matter what i do. my boss gave me some good advice when i came back to work and asked for 32 hours a week- she said to remember that its a moving target and to just pay attention to my daughter, my career and practical matters (like helath insurance and a paycheck) and make changes as needed. that what works one month might not work the next and the only way to survive and not martyr yourself or your child is to stay flexible. best working mom advice ive had yet.

but moxie, maybe this is tied into some guilt around the divorce? im sorry if im armchair analyzing you but just a thought. im sure the emotions around it are so big and cover the full spectrum and this might be tied to it? i know very little about you and your life so ignore me if im totally off base!

[CTalley]

Okay, throwing in my 2 cents here.

From my own personal experience, I understand now, as an adult, that my mother had to do whatever she could to raise 3 kids by herself after 2 divorces, the first when I was 7 and then second when I was 13.

However, as a child, I just wanted my mommy and I didn't understand why she was gone the majority of the time. I cannot hear the MASH theme song to this day without tearing up, because I used to try everyday to stay awake until she home from her 2nd shift, which she worked because it paid shift differential.

Fast forward to now and I have my own 1 year old daughter and I'm college educated and not using my degree. Instead, I opted to work the night shift at a job; which is completely unfulfilling, so I can be at home with my daughter during the day. I really hated being in daycare. I've never been an outgoing person and daycare sucked for me.

Blah, blah, to wrap up an extremely long and therapeutic comment...I missed out on a lot of time with my mom when I was young and it affected me enough to where I wanted to change it for my own daughter, but I understand that my mom struggled to raise us, because she loved us.

I wished she would've done things differently, but I don't resent her in the least bit for it. She did the best she could with what she had. Sorry for the novel...hopefully something in here helped lessen your guilt, at least a little.

[Moxie]

@diedre: I've thought about that a lot, about the guilt from the divorce. I know that back then, I did feel a ton of guilt about the divorce. I knew it was the only choice, and thought of it as chewing my foot off to get myself and my kids out of a trap. But I still felt enormous guilt.

Now I feel like it is what it is. I was in a horrible relationship that had never had a center, so one couldn't be fabricated out of nothing. In that situation you pick your poison: Screw up your kids by getting a divorce, or screw up your kids by staying married. I picked what I see as the least damaging of the poisons. And I'm fine with it.

I wonder, really, if this was all coming up now for me because I get to leave my full-time job. So it's like I feel safe enough now to feel regret about it?

[hedra]

Or powerful enough, or confident enough. I was talking with my mom about this today, and she said that regret is not only clean, it is also dignified and powerful. She has a lot of regrets, some of them pretty much chewing off feet situations. But no guilt.

Still quite cool.