Happy Thanksgiving! Are they growing up too fast?

Happy Thanksgiving to all the Canadians out there. And Happy Columbus Day to the Americans. (I hope you got the day off.)

Someone sent me a question that touched on something I've been thinking about for months now, ever since I went back to work. The question was in the middle of a bunch of other stuff, so I'm paraphrasing the relevant sentences:

"I worry that he grew up because he had to, not because he was ready to. And that no matter what I do, not having me during the day forced him to toughen up too soon."

I've wondered the same thing about my older son. When I went back to work, it was the end of his pre-K year. We had two different babysitters in four months, and I really did not have anything organized or running smoothly. (In addition, all my emotions were in upheaval because we were dealing actively with the divorce at that point, but the kids still didn't know.)

I stayed as connected as I possibly could, but he just didn't get the face time with me that he had had before. And then when he started Kindergarten, with that teacher that we both disliked so much, I just couldn't be there when he got out of school. That killed me. He grew up and toughened up so much in that year, and it's always going to haunt me.

But I also think that it might have happened the same way if I'd been there for him at home the whole time. He's very intense and feels things deeply, but is self-contained. He might have worked through all of it mostly in his own head in those four hours every day between when he got out of school and when I got home. And it's possible that being home might have made things worse for him somehow, too.

This may just be another one of those things that I feel guilty about for the rest of my life, but that may not have had a negative effect on my child at all.

Thoughts? About this specifically, or regrets and wonder in general?

Comments

[Shannon]

Oh boy, is this relevant for me today. I'm giving myself until 2:00 (CST) today to decide whether or not I want to quit my job. With the economy tanking like it is, I have visions of us standing in a soup line, depression-style. And speaking of depression, there's the issue of whether or not it would be good for me emotionally to be home all the time. Ideally I would pick up some freelance stuff, but, again, the economy.

[enu]

Whatcha gonna do? We're all of us not perfect. Stuff happens and you protect your kids as much as you can, but you can't keep the world from them all the time.

The kids I know who grew up with WOHM parents and the kids I know who grew up with SAHM parents are pretty much indistinguishable, btw. At ages 17-20. And the kids are alright. Much as we'd like to think we're necessary every second of the day ;-)

[Lerren]

I grew up because I had to. It made me a caring, strong, intelligent woman who is more than capable of getting things done when they need to be. My brother was protected and sheltered. He bounces from job to job, moves back in with my mom, has hit all the relatives up for money but refuses to actually spend time with them - he's addicted to more substances than I care to remember or list. I think that "having" to grow up is something that happens all over the world, and is something to admire, not something to denigrate. I'm not saying shove your kids into a snowdrift for fun, but don't worry if at times in their lives they have to sort stuff out on their own.

[peaceinyourcrib]

no expert here; yet i think our children may be BETTER off with this- as long as there is a SAFE place to return home too (to process, be a kid, get a hug, just be...).

as a child i grew up far far too fast out of survival/neccessity. in retrospect those experiences were not the 'problem'; it was that i had no safe place. no home. no loving parents.

thanks for this post.

[Mom2Boys]

The guilt. Does it ever end? I work days and go to school three nights a week. On Mondays I see the boys in the morning for about an hour and that's it. Except for today since the bean woke up at 4:45 and refused to go back to sleep so we got an extra couple of hours. I guess that's a plus side to the 55 week sleep regression.

I feel such guilt about the time I spend away. At one point the plan was for me to be able stay home days and go to school nights but it just never came together financially (I provide health insurance for the bean through my job) and now it is too scary to drop to a one income family.

The bean cries most mornings when I drop him off at daycare and he is my velcro baby every other waking (and lately sleeping) minute we are together. I wonder sometimes if he'd still be so clingy if we spent more time together. It sucks.

[Julie]

Totally agree with Lerren and peaceinyourcrib. It's the fact that you provided him with a safe and loving place to be....maybe not as much as you would have wanted, but there was still that space for him - both with you and his dad.

My parents divorced when I was about his age (5-ish), and it wasn't until my dad really flaked out and moved away and lost contact with us that I felt that I had to grow up faster than I would have liked. The plus side was that I was able to see my mom get her shit together and do what she needed to do to be the sole support for her two kids. The result: I'm not afraid to go it alone if need be. I know it can be done, and done well.

Much healthier for me than to have seen her stay in a marriage that was going nowhere.

[paola]

I'm a SAHM and have been with my kids 100% of the time, except for this year that my almost 4 year old started kindergarten and I STILL feel guilty about not spending enough time with my kids. I'm there for them at all hours, all day, in the middle of the night and I can't help but think I should be with them more. Totally wacky. I think we all feel we aren't there enough for our kids, however much or little time we do spend with them.

[Carrie Anne]

I too grew up faster than necessary being a latchkey in the city and product of a single working mom. While it sucked at the time, I really believe it has made me the person I am today-a responsible, self sufficient person.

@Mom2Boys-I wonder the same thing about my son who is also a VERY clingy (only with mommy)14 month old and I’m wondering if it’s due to age, gender, personality, separation anxiety or could it be from weaning him too soon/abruptly. I stopped nursing him at 13 months.

[P&P]

This is something I would definitely call a first world problem. Of course women throughout the world (and history) have wanted the best for their children, but whether you live in a mud hut or in a high-rise apartment, you have to let your children grow up.

I think that despite your son having a tough year with a difficult teacher, you might have done him a favor by not being there every single minute. If you had been there, you might have further projected your own problems with the teacher on him and compounded the problem even further.

You gave him room to stretch emotionally and develop coping mechanisms that will help him as he encounters more and more difficult people over the years.

My mother and I were discussing the current financial crisis yesterday and she said she didn't feel bad for all the fresh-faced kids working on Wall Street who are going to lose their jobs. For a lot of them, it's the first time they've had a major disappointment in their lives and they'll just have to toughen up like the rest of us.

I know that sounds heartless of her, but I think she has a point. We hear so much about helicopter parents and how so many young adults can't function without parental input.

Once upon a time, growing up quickly was a matter of survival. Maybe, despite our best efforts, it still is.

[hush]

Paola said it so well: "I think we all feel we aren't there enough for our kids, however much or little time we do spend with them."

I think if you're self-aware enough to see that something is in the grey area between "totally ok for my kid," and "way more of an emotional challenge than I'd ideally like for them to be experiencing right now..." and you just do the best you can to love & nuture your child by accepting all of their emotions as you teach them the sad & ever-important lessons of how to Mourn the Loss, then you're doing just fine.

Happy Anti-Columbus Day!!

[Cathy]

I wondered the same kind of thing when my MIL with Alzheimer's was living with us. My step-son who was 9 or 10 was pushed into more jobs and being more grown up than he probably would have liked to be or than we would have pushed him to be were circumstances otherwise.

It's tricky. I think P&P has a good point. They're not staving. They're not living in a war zone. Sure, it's a rough time and I tend to think our natural reaction is going to be to wish they didn't have to go through it, but....it's probably not going to wreck them. Especially as you support your child as best you can as he adjusts to the new picture.

[Dawn]

I think everyone (stay at home, work at home, work outside home, married, divorced, whatever) feels like they aren't doing enough for their kids, spending enough time with their kids, etc. At least, it's definitely not just me, and that's somehow comforting.

As someone else said above, I think the most important thing is that we provide our kids with a safe haven, that they always come back to a place where they have love, consistency, emotional support, etc.

I know, for me personally, the time that stands out in my childhood is one where there was immense emotional upheaval in our house (I had a brother who died as a baby), not the times when we didn't have a lot of money or whatever.

[stacy]

This really speaks to the totally unrealistic pressures we put on ourselves as moms, doesn't it?

It's funny. I'm home with my 22 month old, and have been since he was born. But I'm *always* thinking about going back to work. The current economic situation obviously has a lot to do with it, but I also worry that he's not getting "enough" out of life being home here with me. In fact, he has some developmental delays. And when I see my friends' daycare kids THRIVING at this age, I wonder if I caused the delays by not putting him in daycare. They know so much more than my son knows.

And I *know* that isn't logical, of course. But I just...I did this SAHM thing because I thought it was best for him, and now I'm just not so sure. I don't even like staying home that much. But I'm pregnant with #2, so going back to work is not feasible right now.

I really believe that in the end, it doesn't matter. It's more about genetics and peer group and luck and having active, involved parents who care, even if they're not home 24/7. My mom went back to work when I was 4, and I have no memory at all of feeling like I needed her more. Even though school was tough. (I was a fat kid, so social interactions were a problem.) My parents loved me and they were there when I needed them, and I never never never had any doubt about that. It simply didn't matter that they worked.

[Cloud]

This reminded me of a study I read about a while back, which showed that we're actually spending MORE time with our kids now than parents used to. I think I found a reference to that study here:
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/graphic/2007/03/20/GR2007032000073.html

Regardless, I think it will always be tough to find the right balance between protecting our kids and letting them learn to be self-sufficient. Another study I vaguely remember (but don't have time to go find) indicated that it is good for kids to have a mix- so it is OK if Mommy rushes to help at the first sign of trouble but Daddy lets the kid cry a bit first. That study gave Hubby and me a lot of comfort.

Oh, and @Carrie Anne- I'm still nursing, and we went through a velcro kid phase at about 13-14 months. And we're in another one now (at 18 months). I think kids just go through clingy phases. I'm trying to just enjoy the fact that my super active toddler wants me to snuggle her again! Except in the middle of the night. I refuse to try to enjoy that.

[Mom2Boys]

I'm not kidding about the overwhelming guilt. I was never one to look back or regret or feel particularly guilty for the things I've done - apologize, make amends if possible and move on. As far as my own life - it is what it is and I've been lucky and not so lucky all at the same time. But the moment I knew the bean was on his way the what ifs and guilt started up and haven't quit. I even feel guilt about the quilt, as though my guilt is some sort of radiation damaging him at his core. It's really insane.

To the mom who recently quit breast feeding - the bean was bottle fed from about a week on. Oh the guilt I carry about that. His every issue is directly related to that I'm sure. So in my world, 13 months of breast feeding would get you a gold medal and mom of the year award.

And the mom who stays home and thinks her child isn't thriving - Bean came home with a scribble on a coloring sheet with the letter K on it. Very cute. They are apparently working with the letter K this week. Bean has zero words at 13 months(so much for advancement through social interaction) and hates drinking out of a sippy cup and I worry he's not getting enough fluids during the day because they won't let him have a bottle anymore. I'd trade being home with him and making sure he got adequate rest and liquids/food and time with me over a scribble on a hand out any day.

[Cloud]

@Mom2Boys- I wish I could give you a big hug and tell you not to worry! I think your bean is probably doing just fine. We also had issues with sippy cups at that age. Pumpkin had to start drinking milk from a sippy cup instead of a bottle before she could move to the next room in day care. Oh, the stress I had over the sippy cup! She would drink water from a sippy, but threw any sippy with milk in it across the room. We finally found a sippy she liked, but we went through pretty much every brand before we did (she liked the Nuby, for what its worth, I think because the sippy spout is soft like a bottle nipple). Now she'll happily drink from any sippy.

Also, she wasn't talking a lot at that age, either. She just had a couple of words. Day care started doing sign language with her, so we started it at home, too. It made a HUGE difference. She picked up lots of signs and also some words from the Signing Time DVDs. She still does. (She's 18 months old now.) I blogged about both of these things- if you want to read more, search my archives.

Your Bean is going to grow up with you as a wonderful role model of a strong, independent woman. Just by watching you, he'll learn that women can do anything men can do, and that that women's life goals count just as much as men's. Hopefully he'll learn from watching your partner that real men do housework and consider it a normal part of life, not "helping" their spouse. I married a man who got those lessons from his parents, and I'm very, very grateful for that! (BTW, I think families with a stay at home spouse can teach those same lessons, but have to do it more actively.)

[mollyball]

this website continues to blow my mind. i can't go to the store for a carton of milk without feeling like my choices are being judged; family and friends are constantly letting comments drop that make me feel terrible, and yet here on the internet, a bunch of total strangers are trying to make each other feel better about whatever choices it is they have made/are making. it's really touching! i live in a neighbourhood where most people send their kids to daycare, partly because my province has an excellent subsidized childcare plan. but i'm at home with my kids, and feel guilt about that. i feel guilty that my oldest is working around the baby's schedule instead of frolicking in a stimulating daycare wonderland of kids her own age; i feel guilty that my baby is working around the oldest's schedule instead of having tender alone time with me like her sister did; i feel guilty that i'm feeling too guilty to relax and enjoy the choice that my husband and i have had the luxury of making because of his job; i feel guilty that my kids don't see me out there and busy in the workforce (they're both girls); i feel guilty about BPA and not keeping a journal and goldfish crackers and flame-retardant baby sheets and polyester sleepysuits and television and kraft peanut butter and OH MY GOD. but i think if you're the kind of mother who is on this website researching mommyhood, while treating the other people on this site with kindness and empathy, then you're probably a really good parent. and if we stand all our kids up against a wall when they're 25, we won't be able to tell who went to daycare at what age, and whose mother forgot to cut their grapes in half. we're doing great! yay us!

[stacy]

Oh, dear. If you really believe you have that much control, then of COURSE you're going to feel impossibly, overwhelmingly guilty. Just because I'm home doesn't mean my child sleeps enough, or eats or drinks enough, or talks at all. Of course I try, but most days he doesn't have much use for my efforts!

But seriously, if we believe that there is a right way to do mothering "if only" we made the correct choices or had the right opportunities, then of course we're going to be uncomfortable with the way we mother, no matter what. It's really all too easy to feel that way, though, and so hard to dig yourself out.

[Chaosgirl]

Happy Columbus Day & and Happy Thanksgiving! It's a particularly spectacular day here in Kingston. I should be napping but...

A couple of thoughts:

1) Oh do I get it. I just went back to work and my son (just 1) is at day care now, doing well, but also suffering through a host of food intolerances without his mummy to comfort him while he feels so ooogie. HUGE guilt and worry that I'm messing with his program.

BUT...the deterministic psychologist in me thinks...

2) (like Moxie) so much of temperament is pre-baked. I think children's personality etc. will continue to unfold no matter what the environment (unless extreme, like malnutrition or severe abuse, prenatal teratogens). The research I put weight in suggests that the amount of variability in outcome (pick your trait -- IQ, personality, emotional resilience, etc.) that we parents have to work with is so small that I think we can't possibly seriously mess up our kids unless we deprive them of some of the very basics of life -- food, shelter, protection, and love.

I think the effort we put in isn't really to effect change, but to express the love we feel for our children (it probably feels better to think that doing XYZ is going to make their kid happier, smarter, etc., particularly when it involves sacrifice).

I wonder if an approach where we make extraordinary efforts to provide an extraordinary environment for development, sets everyone up for disappointment in the future. "I did XYZ and this is how you turn out??"

Having kids is, on some ways, a genetic crap-shoot -- you roll the dice and hope for the best.

3) A friend recently told me that Plato, after witnessing that too much parental attention was problematic, suggested that all children should be raised by the state (forgive me if I'm messing that up -- I'm a psychologist, not a philosopher). I'm not sure what data Plato had to go on, but I'm think that the best situation probably lies some where in between; we are social creatures, us humans, and it makes sense for us to be in a lively social environment from a young age.

[Mom2Boys]

@ Cloud - Thank you for the reassurances. :) I know in the long run these day to day issues won't matter so much, if at all, but it's still tough to work through them in the moment.

@ Stacy - I didn't mean to sound like I should have or thought you had complete control over your child's behavior. I was just sort of comparing the limitations of each situation but not very well apparently.

[stacy]

@Chaosgirl: "we are social creatures, us humans, and it makes sense for us to be in a lively social environment from a young age."

This REALLY resonates. As a young adult, I did Not Care At All about having my family around, or not. But going "back home" for a couple of visits this summer with my toddler? Changed everything. I saw how he benefitted from multiple sets of eyes and ears keeping track of him, and the joy he exhibited from bouncing around from person to person. While my son normally has a dozen tantrums a day at home or running errands with me (at least!) he was a JOY with the family. Not a peep out of him. Even despite the difficulties of travel. And I benefitted, too - I was much more relaxed, a better mom, a happier person, with other adults around to talk to and engage with.

It made complete sense to me, this summer, that humans evolved in groups. Even though I'm an introvert, I'm sold on the benefits. But it's just really hard to make the jump from that to daycare, you know? Sure you'll have the group aspect, but nobody at daycare loves your kid the way you or your "tribe" does. Somehow I just keep getting too hung up on that point to go back to work. There are days I actually wish my husband would force the issue, so that I could have "permission" to go back to work. Isn't that silly?

@mollyball: I love, love, love your guilt rant :) It's so true!

[Sunny]

I have been thinking of this so much because my son is 20 months old and here in my city of NY, some preschool programs start at 2 years. I am a SAHM and I love so much spending our days together. But the school I want him to attend until 8th grade has a program that begins at 2. It is much easier to get into the 2's programs because that is when the most spaces are available. The program meets from 9 to 11:30 am 5 days a week. How do I know what it will feel like in 1 year? Will we be ready to part or would I be forcing him into a situation that would have him grow up faster than he needs to because I have some idea about how perfect this school is? Does that make sense? I am having such a hard time imagining who he will be a year from now. He is happy and out going and independent but we do spend all of our time together really and I am not sure I am willing to give that up. Is that selfish of me? Would I be pushing him out into the world, making him begin school so early? Would he benefit more from attending a very play-based school in the mornings with other kids? I know no-one can answer these questions...but if anyone has any ideas, please let me know..

I also want to say that i grew up in a situation where my parents divorced at 7 because of my father's addictions and my mother's inability to take care of us girls and him and be okay... She was depressed and sad for ten years (until prozac). She didn't make lunches or car-pool, she went to alanon all the time, she cried and my father moved far away. BUT they BOTH always told me how much they loved me and how none of it was my fault and they were very open about what problems existed, I went to therapy... they both made sure i felt as safe as they could help me to feel and I have to say that although i may have grown up faster than the kids who had happy parents... I have always been able to take care of my self and others, i am emotionally quite stable and happy, i have an incredible marriage, i always did interesting work, i knew myself from a very young age, i knew i could take care of myself and that i always would be able to... i've never been afraid of things going wrong because I know you just work through them and that it does make you stronger. So a perfect childhood doesn't mean a perfect life.

Now, how do i help my son learn to work through things without having to shatter his world?

[peaceinyourcrib]

"Prepare the child for the path, not the path for the child". (ancient proverb?)

[Joy]

Yes, yes, yes to all the above comments. Can I just say I love this site?
I've been home, running my daycare in my home, since oldest was 1 (he's now 8). He gets this attitude sometimes like if I ask him to put his shoes away it's like I just told him to move out and never come back. He says I'm the meanest mommy ever, starts crying and says I make him feel like I hate him. I sometimes feel guilty that maybe having all these extra kids running around, taking my attention away from my own kids, is causing them severe mental anguish, even though I have all these extra kids running around so that we can afford for me to stay home with them while they're little. Catch 22, anyone?

At the end of the day, though, I agree with Enu, who says 'Whacha gonna do?' and Peaceinyourcrib, about the safe, loving place to land, and I think I've been doing the right thing. My kids, through the whole home daycare experience and having to share Mom all the time, have learned things and grown in ways they couldn't have otherwise, even though they may have 'had' to.

That's how we all grow, isn't it?

[sunny]

"peaceinyourcrib"... so perfect! thank you.

and moxie et all, what i wanted to say in my last post was -- boy, there were a lot of drugs around, so much crying, anger, hate, sadness, went from having lots of money to much less money, my mom didn't wake up before i went to school, she cried in her room all day long, my father moved so far away, my sibling was an angry, angry teenager & my mom couldn't handle it... and YET i was always loved, loved, loved and told very upfront what the problems were that we were dealing with as a family, and i was held and kissed and supported even though all that was going on and everything is okay with me. I didn't mean to brag and say i am happy and in love and so lucky but I am and I wanted to say that because my childhood was anything but perfect. In fact, i think i turned out okay not in spite of it all but BECAUSE of it all.

[peaceinyourcrib]

@sunny- so glad you received that as the encouragement it was meant to be! cyber-communication is hard sometimes...

journeying with you all.
thank God i am not alone...

[Michelle]

But most of us don't have the choice to grow up completely on our own schedule. As I have mentioned, my stepson has had a lot of medical challenges. And yes it is heartbreaking that he has had to grow up and experience more surgical procedures, etc than most adults. But it is what it is.

And when/if you add a 2nd or 3rd child, the older siblings inherently have to grow up a bit just due to changing family dynamics.

[Sharon aka Mommie Mentor]

"I worry that he grew up because he had to, not because he was ready to. And that no matter what I do, not having me during the day forced him to toughen up too soon."
I believe most parents will experience feelings like that several times while raising children.

No parent can control every situation that happens in life. There are circumstances that show up that will always be beyond our control; this country’s economic issues are a perfect example. And if your life’s circumstances force your child to grow a bit, then I believe you begin by finding ways to support the child as he’s being forced to grow, versus focusing on the guilt you feel that this is happening at all.

A man by the name of W. Mitchell came up with a statement after his entire world came crashing down around him, literally. He was in a motorcycle accident and then several years later he was in a plane crash. He was paralyzed from the waist down and burned over 3/4 of his body and he said, "It isn't what happens to you, it's how you deal with it!"

Since no one can control what happens in life, not really, then the only thing left is to be aware of how you deal with it. How do you support your child as they’re being forced to grow up a bit?

When difficult things happened as Tall and Taller where growing up I’d have given anything to have protected them from it. However now I wouldn’t trade that growth for anything. They remember what it took deep inside of them to make the leap needed so they could accept the new situations. I learned that those tough times not only created growth but also afforded me the perfect way to empower them next time. All I needed to do was remind them that they had everything they needed inside them to do this, they had faced adversity before and triumphed and they could do it again.

[Beth]

What a great post! Thank you everyone for your input, and mollyball, especially for completely identifying all my guilty feelings for me and making me smile about all of this.

Where do I start? I have been struggling with this issue since back in August when I had to start leaving my child with someone who was not his parent for more than 3 hours a day. I am finishing my last semester in law school and have to commute 3 hours away to attend classes, so I spend two nights a week with friends in the city away from my precious child. I am heartbroken every Monday morning when I leave him and wonder what impact it is having on him to not have mommy around at all 3 days in a row each week. I just keep reminding myself that this is a short term situation. But almost as soon as this phase of my life is over, we will all be entering a new one by welcoming baby #2 into the world. I am feeling so guilty about the time I could be spending with him, just us, before the new baby arrives and wondering how he will cope when the baby gets here.

All that said, I am incredibly lucky. His grandma, who he loves and adores and who loves and adores him, is the person I leave him with for those 3 days until daddy gets home from work. And I am so encouraged by all this talk about it taking a village and that exposure to different personalities being good for him. It is making me feel so much better about having to leave him with someone else. His grandma (my MIL) and I could not be more different, and while that is a source of contention at times for me, it is likely a benefit for him to experience how someone else lives life and makes decisions, etc. And I have been lucky that I was not forced into being away from him earlier and that 4 days out of the week we spend as much time together as possible, and I can make up for the missed hugs from Monday through Wednesday.

And I completely agree with previous posters on a couple of issues. Those who said that no matter how much time we spend with our kids, it will somehow never feel like enough are absolutely right. Also, some of my mom and dad's parenting decisions were not ones I would ever choose to make and I was definitely a latchkey kid, but I had parents who loved each other and loved me and provided that safe haven you all have talked about. And I feel so blessed by that. I think if we can do that for our kids, they will be able to face whatever else life hands them. I know I have.

[toomuchstrong]

I heard something on NPR a while back that stuck in my head and now I'm going to try to articulate it here. It was a report about grown children's relationships with their mothers. The best relationships grown children had had a common theme in which the mothers were happy. Many of these mothers pursued interests outside of the home, worked-wise or hobby-wise which made them feel fulfilled. The situations varied greatly: some were rich, some poor, some divorced, some widowed, some married... All in all, the report seemed to strongly suggest that the best thing you can do for your children is to make sure YOU are happy. So counter-intuitive, but it changed my life hearing this. For a very long time, I think I believed that as a mother, you had to become a bit of a martyr, but after hearing that it's quite the opposite. Now, I always sort of "encourage" myself to pursue my own happiness. It's a work in progress for me for sure.
Another thing about this report that just hit me is how important the mother's (as opposed to the father's) happiness is to children.

[MrsHaley]

@mollyball, you are a riot. Your guilt rant came right from inside my brain ... BPA, sleepsuits, TV, peanut butter ...

ITA that no matter what parenting choices we're making, we're constantly second-guessing ourselves. But part of what I've learned from hanging around here for the past 2 years is that there are SO MANY ways of approaching it all and almost all those ways can be successful, so locking yourself in to whatever you think is the "perfect" way is useless because there's sure to be a Moxite out there who has done it the opposite way and achieved good results too!

I also think about people who have had truly disadvantaged or neglected childhoods and who turned out well despite all that. I know a lot of people like that -- people who are a lot less screwed up than they'd have a right to be, considering their backgrounds. I choose to believe this indicates that the comparatively minor mistakes I'm making may be overcome by the sheer strength and beauty of my children's character(s).

[Cloud]

@toomuchstrong- thanks for posting that. I know I need to remember it! And I'm not even feeling particularly guilty (right now) about any of my parenting decisions.

[Jo-Ann]

This is a topic I struggle with as well. My oldest son was in daycare from 6 wks till he was 2.5 years, when he was asked to not return. When he was born his Dad was unemployed and got a job right as I had to go back to work. It was awful. Daycare was always a struggle with him from the time he was very a small baby till the day the 3rd daycare asked him to leave.(we attended 3 daycars) He now has an ADHD/LD diagnosis and the daycare issues were the beginning that something was wrong. Since he left daycare I have worked a few evenings a week and he is 5. I felt like he had to toughen up way too young and he still struggles when I go to work at night and he is with his Dad.
The opposite is my 2nd born who went to daycare from the ages of 4 - 6 months. He has a confidence that being able to hang on my hip for a long time took care of. He was a needy baby and as a young toddler. Shy with undiagnosed food allergies was a deadly combo. At three he is very confident and never blinks an eye when I leave him at school.
I feel guilt daily still over leaving my oldest so young for so many hours a day. When he was little I lessened the guilt by EBF. At least I am here now and helping him with his issues daily..........

[Num Num]

My son had to become responsible for himself at a young age. I was a single mom. It's had good effects and not-so-good effects. He always knew he came first. That no office or job kept me from him when he needed me. Of course that meant that I never took a job that would have required that. We both paid for that. I greeted his self-sufficiency with happiness, as we should. When a kid realizes he can take care of something himself, that part is a plus. When he has no one to talk to at night, or no one who'll come and get him when he needs someone, that's not so good.

[Liss]

I have heard that in a lot of cases, kids cope well with change on the surface but underneath are just barely _not_ struggling. You can't change the way your life has gone, but just be aware that even _if_ they seem "okay", they might just be putting on a front, consciously or unconsciously.
Good luck!

[Alex]

Honestly? I read these comments and I'm just mystified. Not by absolutely all of them, and I "get" being concerned about the impact that the tension in a household preparing for separation/divorce (per Moxie's post) has on the kids, but...really...if what's here is typical (and as Mollyball notes, it can't be, simply because we're a lot nicer than average), I am just nowhere near anxious or guilt-ridden enough.

My son goes to daycare with a paid provider 2 days a week, has since he was 2 months old. I wanted to start him there young so he'd be used to the providers by the time he was old enough to have separation anxiety. For us, this worked. He loves the place. An additional two days a week he's with my mom (an arrangement that there's no question I'm phenomenally lucky to have access to). I work, and I like what I do, and my paycheck contributes about 50% of our family's resources. But I also go to the library, the grocery store, the gym, while DS is with those people (paid provider or grandma) or his dad. And I -- ahem -- don't feel guilty about it. I also spend a ton of time with him, and I'm lucky to be able to do so, and I love (most of) it. But really, the abilities and interests of a toddler and myself? Not perfectly aligned. So...yeah. I go off and do my own thing some, and enjoy doing that, knowing meanwhile that he is safe and well cared for, with adults and (if the paid providers) other children whose company he enjoys.

[joanne]

Wow, this totally struck a chord. I'm currently on mat leave for one year with my second child and have my older daughter, 2.5, in full-time preschool. I feel utterly guilty about it but at the same time she's a total handful - in a good way. Very social, very curious, independent, daredevil and keeps all her teachers busy. I feel that having her home with me would be doing a disservice to her because my little one needs so much of me. I think my older wants to be with friends, learning and playing. And at the end of the day she runs into my open arms and we have a wonderful evening together. I know I'd be stretched too thin, maybe even losing my temper if she were home with me. My husband works very long and unpredictable hours so I'm single-momming it a lot. I'm envious of SAHMs who have two, three or more children at home and have their routines in place. It makes me want to try it but I know this is the most suitable for the time being.

[Gina]

@Mom2Boys and Cloud: The sippy cup issue is one of my great pet peeves of parenting. Forgive my language: But why the hell does the daycare care what your child is drinking out of? They should care that the child is fed and well-hydrated. Period. I had this arguement with more than one of our daycare providers until I simply put my foot down and told them my son had to have his sigg bottle rather than a sippy cup.

A bit off topic, but I have noticed that I have a reluctance to be firm with daycare providers that I think stems from guilt over leaving my son in daycare at all. I find it strange and distrubing. I have sung in front of thousands of people, briefed generals, and taken on major corporations, but the thought of talking to my son's daycare provider about sippy cups or changing his diaper more frequently made me extremely uncomfortable. It is almost as if by giving them "parental authority" over my son for a period of time, I mentally give them control over all aspects of his care while there. I have had to very conciously remember that I am his parent and I know best for him.

[hedra]

Couldn't get online yesterday.

But I'm with enu on this one.

It's really easy to forget, when they're this little, how a) resilient they are, and b) how many many layers of learning and experience and inner life and reprocessing there will be to come.

I have some huge regrets with Mr G. And Mr B. And Miss M, and Miss R, and for myself, and for epeepunk, and... but I find I mainly just put them aside once I've acknowledged them. They'll come out in their own time to tap me on the shoulder. (Like, oh, the huge huge regret that I didn't freak out over Mr G's eating behavior soon enough for the feeding clinic to be able to reset his oral sensitivity before it was entrenched... but instead listened to everyone who said, 'this is typical, you're just a first time mom, ignore those huge red flags going up, your mommy instinct is wrong.')

Growing up too soon is what I did, not what our kids are doing. At 1 year old, I knew that one had to be wary about what parts of the body were exposed in view of men. At 7, I was contemplating suicide. That, to me, is a level set of the higher order. Not that I'm aiming for 'anything above that is fine' but that I know what it took to grow me back to healthy, and the damage they're taking in the normal storms of a season of life aren't really severe. Growing up mentally healthy is what I'm aiming for, and that's a long track with a lot of loops and repeats, seasons, opportunities, rehash and review.

there are so many seasons to go, from here. When I look at it from my kids view, it seems that more of my regrets have to do with putting myself in their shoes, not just viewing THEM in their shoes. If it were me... but it isn't. It is them, and there will be lumps in there I never saw, and things they'll go on about in therapy that were way below my radar. Even Mr G's eating stuff - he's personally HAPPY being a very picky eater. He's glad he didn't have to face a feeding specialist when he was younger than he was. He's relieved that he wasn't forced to do oral exercises and tolerance work when he was four. It's all good, from his perspective, because it's all past. We handle things however we can manage, and move on. In the midst of it, he's not thrilled, definitely, but then he's done, because he's mentally healthy to start with, and he's him, and there's time, and there will be times he brings stuff up himself (or I do) to air out and un-crease and shake off. When he was younger, we didn't do that stuff.

gotta run.

[toomuchstrong]

@Alex: Your attitude is very healthy, but probably more unusual than many of the other sentiments expressed here. Any tips for the guilt-ridden masses out there?

[Shandra]

Wow this was an excellent post and a great discussion. I struggle with this too. I know my son enjoys his daycare and is learning a lot there but at the same time I know it is about 8-10 more hours a week than is probably good for him.

Most days it is fine but sometimes I pick him up and he is just so tired out and not in a good way. He's outgoing but sensitive and I think when it's a "Jonah day" for his class he just can't detach or tune out. I have so much guilt on those days for the lack of the cosy stay-at-home nest. I love my job, is the problem. If I hated it I might at least feel I was suffering too.

I try just to be honest about it. He gets 8-10 hrs of not-ideal time a week. My husband and I have made that choice for him. If it ruins him we will pay for his therapy.

Anyways, I think that as someone who had a truly traumatic childhood I have seen that the really, really big deal is acknowledgement. Things are going to be introduced in our kids' lives that are hard and difficult. I think a big thing is acknowledging that to our children and not burying it under excuses. Excess guilt can make us defensive.

[Julie B]

Once again, a timely post. I quit my job in July to stay home full time with our then 1-year old. I was only able to do this b/c of an inheritance we received that is just enough to get us by for about 4 years. We have to make some major lifestyle changes.

I went back to work when my son was 6 months old. I REALLY struggled leaving him with someone else. He seemed to thrive and always seemed happy when I got home, but something inside me just kept screaming that it just isn't right for me not to be home with him. I am still overwhelmed with guilt about it.

I WISH I could be one of those moms that can not feel like she has to have total control and know what her child is doing all day. Maybe it comes down to finding a provider you trust?

I brought home more than 60% of our income and it is going to be a struggle, but I don't see a better way. So then of course, I feel guilty about not being able to provide all of the fancy toys/classes/etc. that I thought we would be able to do.

However, I know that the only thing this kid really needs is LOVE, FOOD, SHELTER. I try to remind myself of that daily.

I still have a feeling of guilt when I put him to bed every night. I am not sure what that is about, but will that ever go away?

[Cloud]

I think a lot of the guilt comes from feeling insecure about our choices. I don't actually feel guilty (most days) about sending Pumpkin to day care. It was obvious to me from the moment I went back to work that I prefer to be a working mom. I am just not that good at the mechanics of child care. I honestly think it is better that she is at day care with providers who took early child development classes and actually have ideas about what age appropriate activities are. I absolutely love spending the weekends with Pumpkin and look forward to picking her up at day care. But during the day, I am happy knowing she is having fun and learning with some great day care providers.

When I first went back to work, I had some guilt about preferring to be at work, but once I realized that this arrangement was better for my family, I stopped feeling guilty about the day care decision. Now, if she were a child who was having a hard time adjusting to day care or something like that, I'd probably feel differently. And anytime we go through a rough patch at day care (like that sippy cup thing), I tend to second guess and feel some guilt.

I'm not immune from the guilt, though- I do still feel guilty about some other decisions and feel defensive about some choices (the big ones right now are our choices about how to handle her sleep issues and her picky eating). I think the guilt and the defensiveness are linked. I wonder if there is something I should be doing differently, so I'm very sensitive to anyone else suggesting I could do something differently. But for the most part, I'm confident that we've made the choice that is best for us, so don't worry about it too much.

[Cloud]

Oh, I forgot to add- @Gina, my day care would have been fine with a Sigg bottle. They would have been fine with the bottles we were using with a sippy top rather than a nipple (our brand was interchangeable). The nipple is what had to go, because if one kid in the bigger baby room had an actual bottle, they would all want one. And at about 1 year, some parents work very hard to get their babies weaned from bottles with nipples to cups. I think this is recommended for formula fed babies because of concerns about teeth. But Pumpkin was breastfed, so I don't really know that for a fact.

[Eve]

All of these comments really resonate, even the ones that seem so opposite. Mollyball put into words the constant litany of worries and guilt that runs through my head ... and yet, I really feel more like what Alex verbalized. When we listed our morning routines, I admitted that I actually drop my daughter off at daycare an hour before I need to be at work and take that hour for myself. And I really DON'T feel guilty about it. I mean, it's not like I'm tossing her in her crib with a box of CheezIts and going on my merry way -- she's being CARED FOR by someone who CARES FOR children professionally. So Alex, you're not alone. I just wanted to let you know that –– because sometimes I feel guilty over NOT feeling guilty.

[rudyinparis]

Fantastic comments here. As a WOHM I particularly appreciate the SAHMS who express self-doubt... (I think it's easy, too easy, in my bracket to see being a SAHM as the top of the hierarchy, end of story... with not enough real introspection on the issue, not enough consideration of how all people and families are different...)--I loved how Paola pointed out that she's with her kids ALL THE TIME (mostly)and *still* feels a weird sense that she doesn't do enough somehow...

Anyway. I was running with a mama friend on Sunday and I said: You know, I've really come to believe that the best way to raise happy and healthy kids is to be a happy and healthy person yourself, you know?

And she said: I think it's the only way, Rudy.

These comments here are really valuable and supportive of each other. I'm so lucky to have stumbled on this community.

[sudru]

Growing up because he had to…that resonated for me. I worked in day care for a year and now that I have a child, 14 mos, of my own, I just can’t see putting him in the same situation. The toddlers that I took care of just had to develop independence, there were only 4 staff to 20+ toddlers & some of the kids handled it better than others, it was a long day for many of the kids. So as a still at home mom, there are days where I’m bored and for now I’m definitely putting the interests of my son first, not much of a balance right now. And who would have thought that a mother being at home with her child would be such a luxury, but I will need to return to work sooner than later. It's hard.

[Jac]

Am also with Cloud and Eve. My biggest source of guilt is not feeling guiltier. I don't really want to spend more time with my son (eek, there, I said it). As a working mom I suddenly have reserves of patience and love and fun when I am with my son, that always ran dry at about 3 p.m in the afternoon when I stayed at home. I am always excited to see him (and it seems reciprocal). And, while there was certainly some transition clinginess when he started with his nanny - I actually never questioned my decision because, she is a trained childcare professional. She plays the banjo, and teaches sign language, has figured out ways to cook veggies so he will eat them, and takes him on outings to the pumpkin patch. I like to think I am a good mum because I know my own limitations and am not uncomfortable or jealous of the fact that someone else can do things for my son where I don't have the knowledge or stamina. I think it's just bonus for him to have one more person in his life looking out for him!

[Jenn]

My daughter has been in daycare since she was 3 months old and is three now. Last week she started a full day preschool and all the old guilty feelings are swelling up again. In an ideal world I would prefer to work part time, but that wasn't possible and is even less possible now that her dad and I are separated, which is a whole other boatload of guilt issues. She's been acting out a lot at home this week (but doing well at preschool the teachers say). I'm thinking it's just being overwhelmed with the transitions so I'm trying hard to be patient and compassionate. She also talks about missing her daddy so I just say that she'll see him soon and I offer to call him for her so she can talk to him. I don't know if all these changes are making her grow up too fast, but I think they are hard on her and that makes me sad.

[caramama]

I'm another one who just doesn't usually feel guilty about my choice to be a working (OH) mom.

However... when the Pumpkin was really sick last week and was super clingy to mommy-and-only-mommy and I had to work long hours due to big deadline at work... I felt guilty then. I called home and my husband was caring for her, but I heard her calling for me in the background. It's times like those that I feel the guilt. Even though I did take last Monday off just to be with her while she was sick.

Now, she is all better, and although still clingy (since last month at 18 months), I'm back to being happy to go to work and come home in time to see her.

For those of us who don't feel guilty about being away, I think part of it is that we all seem to be very happy about our childcare situation. I might feel different if I didn't think our babysitter was so fantastic.