The road, cont.

Wow, that tapped into a lot of hurt yesterday. It sounds like so many of us are just tired of fighting through each day.

I'm sad that the post turned into a battle between people who would like accommodations for serious health issues and people who feel hurt by being asked to make those accommodations. I was thinking about it all last night, about how I am so willing to make accommodations now, when I wasn't so much a few years ago. I think one of the reasons is that my months of gluten intolerance* were so hard emotionally. I can remember just feeling like all the strength and will had been sucked out of me because I was afraid to eat anything I hadn't prepared from scratch myself. Friends would ask me to go places with them, with our kids, and I'd have to turn them down because I couldn't face going someplace and knowing there might not be anything safe I could eat. And all it was for me was intense stomach pain, nausea, dizziness, and hot flashes.

Thinking about kids being in that situation all day, of not feeling safe, of feeling like you could get sick at any moment from something you have no control over, breaks my heart. Even if it's not immediate danger of dying, it's still imprisoning to know you could develop hives, itching, difficulty breathing, wheezing, migraines, or any of the other symptoms.

Anyway, that is only part of it. I figured out that what makes me more willing to help other people is that I can finally ask for help for myself. For years, I really could not ask anyone for help. I spent years and years white-knuckling it through, feeling like I had to be the most competent, have it all together, be on top of everything. And that asking for help was something I couldn't do.

Honestly, of all the gifts divorce has given me, the ability--the need--to ask for help and accept it has been one of the best. And as I get deeper and deeper into being enmeshed with other people when I ask them for help and offer to help them, I've started to feel my false, painful boundaries disintegrating and my integrity of self increasing.

Someone commented on the evening routines post that she was lonely. Parenting is *such* a lonely proposition a great deal of the time. Reaching out and getting enmeshed helps, though. A lot.

It is my strong wish for all of us that this new year brings us the ability and desire to ask for and accept help from others.

* In summer and fall of 2006, my body was rebelling against my bad marriage and I developed a gluten intolerance (which may or may not be the correct term for it). Eating anything with even a tiny bit of gluten, even if I didn't realize it was there (soy sauce is hidden in a TON of foods!), would make me feel sick for hours. About a week after I told my then-husband that I needed to get out of the marriage I could eat wheat and gluten again with no symptoms. Taught me to pay attention to my body.

Comments

[anon]

Goddess Babe, I think the key for me has been to remember that all connections START superficially. Right? You have to start at the surface and move down. So if you put some effort into the dreaded superficial part, you may find something you like as the layers are peeled away. I am mixing metaphors, but you get the idea. Some folks, you'll know right away there's nothing for you underneath. But sometimes, as hush mentions, you'll be surprised.

Good luck! You obviously have a best friend, so you've done this before and you can do it again. Meeting people in general is just harder as we get older. (If only there were Mom dorms.)

[hedra]

And remember I'm actually in town as long as I'm unemployed. I will be needing breaks, and book proposal read-throughs. Like, um, how about tomorrow? Lunch-ish or late lunch or way early lunch? Walk Main St for a bit if it isn't raining?

No playdating, since I'm kidless during the day, but next month, if I'm not employed, we'll likely be pulling the kids out of after-care (at least the youngers), so you could come hang out here with them for a bit before facing dinnertime.

[hedra]

Oh, and those of us that connected with you instantly all the way down are anomalies. I think you've actually gotten lucky with those insta-links and have had more of them than typical (that is, more than zero), so don't maybe have the practice at the superficial-to-less-superficial conversion.

Most of my superficial meetings don't carry on much further, though, either. Maybe a layer down, but not many.

[Charisse]

Wow, chiming in late on this and yesterday. I too have trouble asking for help--I think I was raised with such a strong vein of "quit your blubbering, there are lots of people that have it worse than you" that I always assume I must be doing pretty well, but then why does it sometimes feel so shitty?

I still haven't really recovered from my best mom friend moving away 2 years ago when Mouse (and her daughter Z, who's almost exactly the same age) was 2. I miss her so much--and of course we still talk, and we've managed to meet up for a couple of wonderful family vacations, which makes us extra lucky. But we're not there to help each other in a practical, daily way, which we used to do all the time. It was a real blessing to have 2 years of having someone who would have been a close friend regardless of parenthood (though we met through our babies when they were 8 and 10 weeks), along with a kid who was uniquely compatible with my little geeklette, living a block away. Someone who could easily run to the store for you (or vice versa) if your family was sick, could pick up the kiddo in a pinch, trade evenings out, etc. I appreciated it at the time, but I want more of it. It's hard to remember how it started, I know we met at one of those baby movies, somehow discovered we were into the same kind of yoga and then one of us confessed that she hadn't been able to do it, at all, since the baby's birth and was really frustrated about that. And suddenly the conversation was open, on a real level.

We have a nice preschool community now and people do pick up kids in a pinch and so forth...but nobody has evolved into close friends, and I wouldn't ask most of them for more help than that.

But I should remember, that admission with J, whichever one of us said it first it gave us both space to express our frustration and then do something about it, together. So I went to her house to do yoga (J in Charleston, are you reading this? I know I've recommended this blog to you a million times but I don't know if you're here. Miss you, as ever.) and the babies interrupted lots of times and we groused about how heavy our bodies felt, and then she offered lunch...and it was something really simple, scrambled eggs and avocado or something. And I realized I could invite someone over for lunch and do something simple and easy, and maybe they wouldn't judge me. I need to get back to that--lately I feel like I'm supposed to be back to my old dinner-party prowess, etc.--I should remember how happy I was for scrambled eggs and honest conversation. Maybe somebody I'd like to offer something to would be up for the basics too.

[Chaosgirl]

@Jan -- I'm glad you delurked.

Enjoy the chance to be at home? And what, chew your own leg off from boredom, inactivity, and lack of fresh air?

My son was 2-4 months at that time, the PPD was peeking out from every corner, and we were snowed in. I couldn't even escape to the mall (ick) because the car was either snowed in on the street or I feared losing my parking spot and having to dig out another one with my son cheering me on.

I wish I was still in Toronto (recently moved to Kingston) so we could get together and curse the winter over something warm.

[Maman_du_Petrus]

Same story here, just in a different country...Just another comment to say "me too, I am alone". I have my husband and my son. That's it. We see our families (6-8 hour drives) 3-4 times a year. I have no friends in this city. Husband and I haven't been to see a movie or to a restaurant in 3 years (never had a babysitter since our son was born) and we have no outside activities of our own. The only adults we see are at work. My husband is presently on a business trip to Europe and I realised this morning that if I fell sick, I would have NO ONE to call in this city and ask to go fetch our son at daycare and take care of him while I rest or go to the hospital. Hum...fun...

[Cloud]

@hush- there is actually quite a bit of published, peer reviewed literature from non-wacky places like the NIH and Stanford about the link between stress and physical illness and the physiological reasons for that link. Check out the book "Why Zebras Don't Get Ulcers" or something like that from a guy named Sapolsky for a book on the subject aimed at the reasonably scientifically literate non-scientist. Or skim it for references you can throw at the next uninformed person who tells you its all in your mind....

Congrats to Mrs. Haley!

To all those of you struggling with isolation- I hear you. Hubby and I often talk about how few friends we have who are also parents. I'm a strong extrovert, and I don't keep up with my mommy friends/make real connections with other mommies as much as I would like. My problem is that it is hard to find the time to do it, which is sad. I've been making a real effort lately, setting up playdates and lunches. But the flip side of that is that I'm even more tired than usual, because I'm not getting to nap on the weekends to try to make up some of the sleep debt that accumulates during the week (Pumpkin is an exceptionally crappy sleeper). It is hard to find the balance.

[hedra]

yay for Mrs Haley! Yay yay!

Too bad about the record books thing, though. ;) Not that you mind not being preggers forever...

[hush]

Thanks, Cloud! Sounds like the perfect book for an armchair scientist like me who at once believes in theories of evolution & plate tectonics, and yet threw $10 away this weekend on a lark visiting a psychic (who knew her stuff).

[Maria]

Still packing. Still all by myself. I never knew there were Moxie-ites so close, in Delaware/Philly! I'm on the Eastern Shore of MD, but of course I'm moving next week, so I won't be anymore. Sigh. But a good move I hope. But sigh.

I'm in transition, can you tell??

[Kristin]

@zimbabweanjean: Thank you! I think that's exactly it. (Must be, because I just got all teary again when I read your comment on my comment!) I don't necessarily need anybody to fix anything for me. I certainly don't need to act as if what's on my plate is heavier than anybody else's. I just need it to be SEEN. Just, "Yep, I get it," would often be enough.

I have to remind myself that other people need that as well. If I get frustrated with somebody who seems to always be going on about something hard (especially if the hardness is somehow supposed to be my fault...), I have to remember that maybe this person just needs me to say, "Wow, that must s*ck for you right now. I'm so sorry."

[Mamalooper]

Hey to Jan and Chaosgirl - fellow Torontonian here.

If you met me you'd never believe that I am both on the isolated side and also having a hard time making mommy friends. I have made a couple of them but me and the girl (almost 3) don't have the playdates that the neighbourhood kids have.

I too have stomached hanging out with some women that I have pretty much nothing in common with just to have some conversation.

Gah - feel like a bit of a nerd and wondering why it's so much harder to make friends now. Not asking for a zillion, just a few.

[MrsHaley]

We're back! Thanks for all the good wishes -- they did the trick. :)

[Goddess Babe]

@andrea2 I don't think we actually met Sunday. Bummer! I'm sure we can fix that though.

thanks, in general for the encouragement.

@hedra Sorry I missed you today, but snotty sneezy kid in the car... figured I'd spare you. After vaca is over, YES YES YES.

Interesting point about insta-connect. You're right. I have little to no experience turning superficial into anything else. I've had enough insta-connect that I expect it, quickly, if not instantly.

When I do try the superficial connect thing, it's all weird and desperate and fake feeling...

[Sarah]

wait...Moxie and Laid Off Dad are divorced?

[Shelley]

"When I first read your post, a part of me was thinking, uh-oh, this could be fodder for the doubters who believe so many of the medical issues often unique to women are "all in our heads."

See, the thing is -- the symptoms are REAL, regardless of the root cause. An emotional cause is just as real and as important and worthy of attention and care as a physical one.

Man, I wish I had had the grace to accept and ask for more help when my daughter was tiny, and I was new in this community. I remember the leaden feeling I had filling in the daycare form and not having someone to put as an emergency contact.

These days it's a little easier, as I've been fortunate enough to find some true friends, as well as a good circle of acquaintances (although like most of us I could use more).

But still, God give us all the grace to accept help when it is offered - that is hard for me. I'd infinitely rather be the helper than the helpee. I need to work on that.

[hush]

@Shelley - couldn't agree with you more. Emotional wounds often cut much deeper than physical ones, and yet are hard to "diagnose" and to heal. One of the many reasons I love Moxie is that she tells the truth about our lives.

[Bobbo]

It may be a flash in the pan movementbut it is a dicret response to the Political Class Warfare against the middle class and the poor that started during the Regan Administration and continues right up to this day.

[Purnomo]

Downloaded the plugin with great excoetatipns but after installing and all the setting, tried to save and all I got is:Latest CommentMilk News* All New CommentMILK Version 1.0 BETA is Ready!General SettingsDo you want CommentMilk Default Campaign on for all Posts [NO]Current Running CampaignsUnknown column keyword_unchecked_text' in field list'Meanwhile I've set the default campaign to YES but it's showing NO Please any suggestion?