Q&A: terrified of preschool social scene

Christy writes:

"With the upcoming school year approaching I was hoping to get you and perhaps your wonderful commenters to help me through something. My daughter (who just turned three) is starting preschool in September and I’m so incredibly nervous. Not for HER. For ME. This child is one of the most outgoing, excited, adventurous little people on planet earth and she wants so much to be out of the house and exploring with other kids. (For some back round- she was in home daycare until she was 13 months and I’ve been home with her since. Aside from a couple of gym classes, this will be her first real classroom experience with lots of other kids.) I certainly don’t expect perfection but I know she’ll do great. So onto me. I don’t have an easy time making friends and parent involvement is a big part of the preschool we chose. I did this on purpose because I know I have to make the leap into the league of  “preschooler parents”, but I truly am scared shitless. I really don’t have any other mom friends my age (late 20’s) and I feel so intimidated by the whole process. I’m not exactly sure what I’m looking for here…maybe an idea of what other moms look for in their “parent friends” or some helpful preschool parent etiquette? I certainly don’t want to use my child to gain a social life but it would be nice to feel comfortable with a couple other moms to share the experience of life with a 3 year old. ANY advice surrounding this topic would really help ease me in to preschool life!"

I think making friends is a system. People who do it naturally don't think of it as a system, but it's something that can be learned. I'll break it down into the steps I can think of, and if anyone else thinks of more, please add them.

1. Be yourself. Your mother's been saying it for years, but she's right. You have a ton of outstanding qualities that would make people want to be your friend, whether you're shy or loud, an optimist or a pessimist, snarky or earnest, or you like dark chocolate or milk chocolate. People want to be around people who are comfortable with themselves, so make no apologies, let your freak flag fly, and be who you are.

2. Pick the right school for you and your child. This all goes back to #1, which is that you have to be able to be who you hare. If you've gotten yourself into a school in which everyone else is waaay different from you, you're going to feel like the odd woman out all the time.

If your interests are in sustainable agriculture and environmentalism, then you probably won't be super-happy at a school in which everyone drives Denalis or Canyoneros or whatever the hugest SUV is. If you like lots of structure then the crunchy preschool where the only curriculum is running around and painting each other purple may not be the place you're going to find bosom friends. That doesn't mean you focus on externals, because the mom wearing the Motorhead T-Shirt and the mom in heels and a suit for work could be best friends because they just click, but if you find displays of wealth crass and your preschool is a feeder school for the cast of Gossip Girl, then things may not be a great fit.

3. Join up, in a way you feel comfortable with. The best way to get to know other parents is to be around other parents. So volunteering is a good way to meet people. But pick something that you'll at least halfway enjoy doing. Maybe you want to help sort and label books for the library, or plan fundraisers or put together information packets or do the newsletter. All of these things are giving you opportunities to talk (or email with) other parents. I definitely believe that 90% of life is showing up, so pick something and keep showing up.

4. Take it off site. After a couple of sessions of sorting permission slips or editing copy, you can suggest that you take it off school grounds or off email. "I could use some caffeine. Do you want to get a cup of coffee?" Memorize it, then use it.

5. It's for the children! If #4 scares you too much, then turn it into a playdate. "Poindexter comes home every day talking about Tigerlily. It sounds like they like to play together a lot. Do you guys want to come over on Saturday at 10 for a playdate?" Because then it's not about you, it's about the kids. But you'll be talking and getting to know each other. Unless the playdate ends in violence, you'll probably have another one.

6. Don't put all your eggs in one basket. Sometimes it's easier to approach someone if it's kind of a group thing. Plus, if you end up not really clicking with one person, there are a couple of others to mitigate at that, and maybe you'll click with one of them. You can approach it as a group playdate (outside works really well for groups of kids) or as a kind of "parents night out" kind of thing.

Anyone have anything else?

Comments

[laura]

Icebreaker Ideas--

asking for help/ advice: if most extroverted types are anything like me, they LOVE to give advice!

if you think the mom is a WOH, ask what she does and then how she got into it. The how she got into it question is the really good one.

Some questions I've been asked that led to great conversations-
"Where did you get that belt/ bag/ lipstick?"
"This is a crazy question-- but does your daughter take ballet/ horseback riding/ piano-- I'm trying to find a class"
"I heard that you guys just got back from Disney/ the beach/etc" (Clue: Disney vacations are a guaranteed 30 minute conversation starter.)

I have NEVER thought someone weird who came up to me out of the blue while at an activity pick up or at school or a birthday party and asked me something random like that.

[hedra]

So last night at the back-to-school night for 1st grade, I spied another mom who looked nervous and was asking 'ohmygodwillmychildsurvive' questions. I felt for her, her child and my child both did not attend this school for K, so they're both coming in fresh, I though 'okay, she's my pick, I'll talk to her' and then someone else spotted ME, cornered ME as someone they were going to get to know, and I looked around at the end of that and the other mom was gone.

Crud. BUT, having been so inspired by y'all, I'm going to email the teacher and ask her if she will send my email to the other mom as a reassurance connection.

[pnuts mama]

oh hush, i think i love you! i totally had that page dog-eared! also never going to happen, but a girl can dream, right??

banana head group open house/happy hour/cocktail party...mmmm...

[LC]

@marsupial jones:
>for example, i cannot be friends with someone whose kid has been sleeping through the night since 6 weeks. my kid is 15 months old and is still up 3 times a night usually.<

Want to start a club? I'll come be a charter member. And I'm also one of those 'too busy triaging (at least mentally) to do more than chat in the hallway' types.

I'd be very happy to make more Mom friends, but arranging to get together with the ones I've brought forward from our single days is hard enough around school schedules, my work, family time, errands, . . . I wonder if sleeping through would help any. :)

[hedra]

(can I admit I try to studiously ignore those magazines because I know I'd be hooked? I'd be an addict on the first try. Instead we get ones that kind of work as professional resources for ep (architecture), like Dwell. My clean-lines modernist no clutter sure-my-furniture-can-be-white fantasies reside there...)

[enu]

17 years ago this week (?) I was new in town, with a toddler and an infant, and I went to a playgroup sponsored by the university. It was pretty ghastly - too many kids running around and trampling the little ones and a huge din, but one nice lady with children a little older than mine approached me and invited me to her house for lunch!!!! I was flabbergasted, but I got up the courage to go. It turns out, that's just the way she is, and she helped integrate me into the social scene wrt babysitting coops and other things like that.

I've tried to be that way for other people in as much as I can, but some of it is a personality thing. Still, if you can, do!

[liz]

FACEBOOK! If you aren't already on, get there! And then every so often, search for the parents you know from school. It's a lot easier to send a casual "hey, what do you think of the new lady in room 7?" email to strike up a conversation than it is to make small talk when you are all running for the door. Let technology work for you!

[Tsubaki]

I only have a few minutes and haven't read all the comments, but I just want to encourage this mom not to be intimidated--in my experience, making friends with other parents is much easier than any other kind of friend-making, because it's a time in life when everyone needs to make new friends and you all have something major in common. I think you'll find that most people are really friendly.

[jimmie]

Okay, I know this is old news, but I just wanted to comment in case someone ever comes back to read it. First, I'm not even a parent yet, but I definitely have this adult-onset social anxiety thing caused by years of growing up with the in-crowd (think: "Mean Girls" movie), then actually growing up, subsequently growing fatter, and losing my social self esteem because I know what those "mean girls" are thinking about me.

So. I can only imagine what it's going to be like when hypothetical children start having playdates and preschool and all that. I am *not* a social butterfly...but I can say this. I recently joined a gym and have been forcing myself to go to some of the group exercise classes to break up my elliptical monotony...and the first night, I was surrounded by all types of women...fat, skinny, young, middle-aged, ballerinas, clutzes, whatever. Yet here I was, scared shitless to even talk to them. And then...THEN...a couple of the "pretty" ones just started talking to me out of the blue, LIKE I WAS ONE OF THEM. And then it dawned on me...I AM one of them. Just a normal, 20-something female workin' on my fitness at the gym. Yeah, I'm still a bit overweight, but so were half of them, and who really cares. I had an epiphany that night, and I've realized that if I can get over myself, I'll be just fine. :-)

Besides, once you have kids, it should give you an instant conversation starter...i.e., "Don't you just love this age?"

[Sarah]

I'm reading all of the comments - which are great and help me realize I don't have the only two-year old boy with a Viking complex - I have already started incorporating these ideas and the hitting is declining - whether that is me or because he is getting older who knows.

However, what do I do about daycare? There the concepts are - hit or push and he gets a time out and is written up if it is hard hitting/pushing or if it is the 2nd time that day. I don't know what to do about the behavior there. I can't punish him after school - for a 2 1/2 year old he doesn't understand why or for what I'm punishing him 3 hours later. Many times he hits just because, but he often hits in retaliation for hitting or a toy being taken.

We are at a new daycare because when he had just turned 2 (he is significantly taller, bigger and more physically advanced then other 2-year-olds) I had a teacher tell me that my child has a disorder because he hit when kids took his toys or pushed when they didn't move out of his way. I went and talked to a professional who informed me that often it was out of boredom and frustration that he reacted that way - particularly since he did not react that way anywhere but daycare. He is a very social child and does not hit/push anywhere except daycare. He has hit me 1 time when he was 2 because I told him no and he reacted strongly. The teacher saw this and declared that any child that would hit a parent like that had to have a problem.

I'm really frustrated with how to stop the hitting/pushing at daycare when I'm not around to perform any of the items that are working for him. The conferences are not very productive. HELP!

[Sarah]

Oops sorry I posted this on the wrong string!

[jordan retros]

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